Beach Bum Anon Chapter 3: Beware the Albanian

Oct 14th, 2016
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  1. >"Wake up, wake up, the sun is up!"
  2. >The girly voice from last night rouses you awake
  3. >It's tinted with a slight accent that reminds you of that Albanian in Jacksonville that used to sell you crack
  4. >You look up to see that the teal filly still has the bag over her head
  5. >A neon pink, short tail sprouted from hear ass, and you see little tufts of the same pink hair peeking out from under the bag
  6. >"C'mon, they're gonna be looking for you around here. We need to get farther away, they don't care enough to send search parties out too far."
  7. >You rise to your hooves and she slaps a large bundle of what looks like pine needles your face
  8. >"Chew on this, it'll help you wake up."
  9. >You oblige her, and find the needles absurdly tough but pleasantly sweet
  10. >She grabs your foreleg and starts pulling you forward, wordlessly encouraging you to hurry the fuck up
  11. >The pine has been ground into a thick, heavy mush that you swallow almost automatically
  12. >Minutes pass and the only sound is that of your hooves and hers crunching dead leaves on the forest floor
  13. >There's a faint rustling all around as a calm breeze lazes through the treetops above and then is gone without a trace
  14. >You aimlessly scan the area as she leads you away, and see around you an expanse of willows and oaks, small clusters of grass and shrubs covered in the bristles that looked like what you had in your mouth only moments before fighting competitively for the limited groudn space where sunlight made it through the canopy unfiltered
  15. >Various types of lichens and oversized mushrooms sprout up between the dead leaves that litter the ground under the shade of the trees
  16. >The forest looked almost fantastical
  17. >You turn your head to look at your guide
  18. >This filly that has just rescued you from the grasp of the medical field and the assorted wizards contained therein
  19. >Who wore a silly brown paper bag over her head
  20. >Who sounded faintly like a dirty moneygrubbing gypsy
  21. >Or maybe an elf
  22. >In horse form
  23. >Maybe the bag was like a ski mask for budget thieves
  24. >And maybe elves thieved little boys in order to turn their skin into folksy arts and crafts
  25. >And then they sold those folksy arts and crafts to upper-middle class mine-drinking art students
  26. >And they cursed those arts and crafts to render their art degrees useless!
  27. >Which means you've just been taken out of the concentration camp and into the burn pit
  28. >The thought makes you shudder
  29. "Y-you aren't an elf or anything... are you?"
  30. >You had a friend who was stalked by elves
  31. >He got run off the road one night by what you can only assume was a malevolent fae and crashed through the windshield when he hit a tree
  32. >If only he believed in seatbelts with the same zeal he believed in house gnomes
  33. >The filly looks at you with a raised eyebrow
  34. >"Come again?"
  35. >You gulp
  36. "You're not some kind of faefolk what turns innocent people into lampshades, right?"
  37. >She blinks and then laughs
  38. >"I guess whatever they put in the water there still hasn't worn out of your system then."
  39. >You aren't sure whether to feel relieved or more frightened
  40. >But before you have to make that decision, your body decides it has its own priorities and you puke with the force of a fire hose
  41. >And not in a short spurt, you shoot out a steady stream of stomach acid and oats, splattering against the ground with such ferocity that dozens of massive droplets coat your legs and chest
  42. >Some even gets on the mystery filly, whose laughs turn into what can only be describe as incomprehensible goat screams
  43. >Deep in your gut you feel your stomach squeezing down to the size of a baseball
  44. >Seconds pass and the torrent has ended, and you collapse onto the ground and moan in pain
  46. >All this vomiting has got to be damaging your larynx
  47. >Your disgusted companion frantically wipes puke off of her hooves and grumbles inaudibly while you sit exhausted in your filth
  48. >At least the grogginess is gone
  50. >Thankfully, a stream was nearby for you both to wash yourselves off in
  51. >To your surprise, she kept the bag on her head and only let the water get as high as her neck
  52. >What a wierd girl
  53. >But everyone knows that elves can't stand water
  54. >They're like housecats
  55. >Which means she's safe
  56. >And if by some feat of horrible science she wasn't, then now would be the best time to discern her true, supernatural identity
  57. >Since the water is where demons are weakest
  58. "Who are you?"
  59. >Your voice cuts through the ambient noise of the forest, carrying a slight edge
  60. >Some might even say it carries an accusational tone
  61. >"Hm? Oh, right. The name's Monster Mash. I already know who you are, Speedy."
  62. >O SHIT
  65. >Something tickles your leg and you duck underwater, swimming with the current like the dolphin that you wish you were
  66. >You slide through the river grass with all the grace of a dugong and pull up any underwater vegetation unlucky enough to be in your path
  67. >At this point you are coated in enough miscellaneous green shit to make a decent Creature from the Black Lagoon costume
  68. >You get a wonderful idea to throw the witch off your tracks
  69. >If she is following you, that is
  70. >You halt your advance and pop up out of the water, arms outstretched and snarling aggressively
  71. >As it turns out, she WAS following you, flying a few feet off the water
  72. >When you appear, she jumps a little, then giggles
  73. >"So that's what you were doing, eh?"
  74. >She's totally unphased
  75. >Before she gets a chance to pluck you out of the river, you bob back underwater and start swimming even faster than before
  76. >It's not long before your muscles are screaming in agony, unused to slogging through water like this
  77. >But something is pulling you from behind
  78. >You surface once more to see the filly has grabbed you by your tail and stopped you dead in your tracks
  79. >That's some impressive strength right there
  80. >Or you're just exceptionally weak
  81. >"Enough of this, we're still on the run, you know."
  82. >You twist around and bring up your leg to kick her in the ribs, taking her by surprise and knocking her into the water
  83. >The bag is knocked off her head and as she flails to keep afloat you get a glimpse of her head and promptly shit in pure terror right then and there
  84. >Most of her face is normal enough, but on her left cheek pokes out a second, hideously deformed muzzle and just a little above that rest tiny buldging eyelids
  85. >Four tiny, twisted, grotesque legs dangle from under her lower jaw, and the entire lower left half of her face is coated in sickly-looking veiny lumps
  86. >You scream out in pure terror and dart over the shoreline and out of the river, worried that being in the same water as the abomination might spread her corrupted essence onto you
  87. >Once on dry land you run as fast as you can away from the river
  88. >The soft breezes that wafted through the forest have now turned into gusts of wind at your breakneck pace, and you are uncertain if you have ever run so long or so fast in your life
  89. >Eventually you collapse under a massive, ancient looking oak and almost pass out as you almost hyperventilate
  90. >Collapsing is something you seem to be doing a lot of lately
  91. >In fact, there's a lot of things you've been doing more often since this whole ordeal started
  92. >Like screaming, and hurting yourself, and running from horrible magic
  93. >Not vomiting though, that's stayed consistent with your old life
  94. >So at least there's comfort in that
  95. >You could fucking kill for some horse tranquilizer right about now
  96. >Maybe some skag
  97. >You're surprised you haven't had the shakes yet, it's been days since you last chased
  98. >Scratch that, not very surprising since Discoman already saved you from your laundary list of other health blunders
  99. >Something is crunching the leaves nearby
  100. >Unsteady, rhythemless crackles and crinkles slowly make their way to the tree, coming from behind as far as you can tell
  101. >You slink into the network of massive roots that poke out of the ground at the tree's trunk and wait for whatever is to pass
  102. >It stops somewhere close to the side opposite of you, and then you hear the sound of liquids being poured out onto the ground
  103. >Your curiosity overtakes your fear, coming to the conclusion that since the witch can fly, she wouldn't be looking for you on foot
  104. >Or on hoof, since horses don't typically have feet
  105. >Although with witches, anything goes really
  106. >You peak around the trunk and get the rear-view of a deer taking a leak on the tree
  107. >It's a whitetail, and his antlers look like they've been sloppily chipped off
  108. >One of the stumps is quite a bit bigger than the other, but neither have any extra nodes sprouting off of them and both look pretty jagged at the tip
  109. >The deer lazily pokes his face into a big brown satchel he has hanging over his side and eats something inside it, then stumbles against the tree, falls into his piss puddle, and laughs at himself
  110. >You catch the foul but somewhat comforting stench of rotting fruit eminating off of him
  111. >Overall, you get the feeling that this guy is of upstanding character
  112. "You'd better watch out, there's a witch running amok in these parts."
  113. >The deer chortles and turns around to look at you
  114. >"What?"
  115. >His goofy grin is so large it might split his head in two
  116. "I said there's a witch around here, looking for good folk to eat."
  117. >He chuckles
  118. >"Whatever you say little dude. Hey, you seen any pikewheat bushes around here?"
  119. "Pikewheat?"
  120. >"You know, bristles and stuff, little green berries on the branches. Look kinda like blueberry bushes, but, you know, pikewheat."
  121. >He moves his hooves as if describing the size of a fish he caught
  122. >You see dozens of plants matching his description scattered about the forest floor and point to one
  123. >His head follows your directions and he scratches his chin
  124. >"No no, not wheatpike. Pikewheat."
  125. >He holds his hooves up about a foot apart, then frowns at them and moves them a few inches together
  126. >At a loss for what to do, you point at another, identical bush and he chuckles
  127. >"Niiiiice. Thanks, little man."
  128. >He starts walking towards it, jumps in his tracks and stands completely straight, then digs into his satchel with one hoof and pulls out a single green berry, then turns to you
  129. >"You want one?"
  130. >Normally, having already been attacked by a witch once in any given forest makes you suspicious of accepting gifts from mysterious strangers asking questions about botany within the afformentioned forest, but you were getting a good vibe from this guy
  131. >So instead of running and screaming like you've done so many times in recent memory, you nod and reach out to take his offer
  132. >You pop it into your mouth and bite down, finding it juicy and bitter
  134. >"So, like, basically, if you don't have cloven hooves, you can't be trusted. Unless you can. It's all... something from antiquity. You know, Starbeard the great and stuff."
  135. >You nod
  136. "Not only do I, but yes."
  137. >He smiles
  138. >"I knew you knew better. But anyways-"
  139. >The both of you sat in the center of a grove of pikewheat and tall grass, munching the pikeberries that your new friend Selkie seemed to adore
  140. >And you understood why
  141. >It was as though someone stuffed a tab of acid in a potted peyote plant and then threw the pot in the woods to let nature take its course
  142. >Overall, the experience it left you with was spiritual and euphoric
  143. >The sunshine seemed to get brighter, the grass tickled your back and belly, and the screaming cicadas didn't break your eardrums like an egg
  144. >"Hey Selkie. I see you've met Speedy."
  145. >You'd recognized that voice anywhere
  146. >It's the Albanian's daughter, come to suck your dick for weed money
  147. >You turn around to greet her and see Monster Mash wearing a slightly soggy and torn paper bag and looking at you with a venomous glare
  148. >You feel like you should be terrified, but remain placid and happy
  149. "You look like a carpet."
  150. >Her coat seemed unusually fluffy since last you saw her
  151. >"Sorry I gotta ruin your playdate, Selkie, but I really need to get this boy outta here before the search parties find him."
  152. >He shrugs
  153. >"Whatever, man."
  154. >Monster grabs you by the foreleg and you barely have enough time to scoop up a hooffull of the berries the two of you had piled onto a bed of dead leaves before her freakish strength pulls you away
  155. >She swats them away, though, and you pout at her
  156. >"Don't eat those, they'll rot your brain."
  158. >The walk wasn't so bad
  159. >For most of it you were barely treading the line between conscious and fucking dead, but in a good way
  160. >All you had to do was enjoy the sights while Monster Mash led you by the hoof
  161. >Everything seemed so much more alive
  162. >The trees swayed a bit more
  163. >The leaves twirled like dancers when they fell
  164. >The clouds you saw through holes in the canopy swelled and shrunk as if breathing
  165. >You somewhere along the way you were distracted by Monster's tail
  166. >In that moment it looked like cotton candy, and you began to wonder how it tasted
  167. >You can vaguely remember the last time you had cotton candy
  168. >Tallahassee fairgrounds
  169. >The North Florida Fair was in town
  170. >Fairs are always a prime place to scavenge food
  171. >You had just finished up a half-eaten turkey leg you found in a garbage bin when you noticed that some poor sod left his stand unattended
  172. >As casually and inconspicuously as a man wearing trash bags for clothes can, you moseyed on over to the cart and examined the displayed cargo
  173. >There was a big-ass pretzel (not to be confused with an ass pretzel, a personal invention of yours that revolutionized the world of jenkem) and an imperial shit ton of bagged cotton candy
  174. >But most of it was the shitty yellow banana flavored fuckery
  175. >Of course, banana flavored candy being the absolute worst and completely inedible for humans, you were about to give up hope on finding anything worth stealing
  176. >Aside from the jar of cash the fool had left laying in some unlocked compartment, which would no doubt turn into 15 funnel cakes by the end of the night
  177. >Suddenly your eyes light up as you spot a hidden treasure
  178. >A big sticky wad of pink shit that was inside of a plastic Wal-Mart bag also filled with napkins and various wrappings
  179. >You grabbed a fistfull and promptly shoved it into your mouth before a burly colored man in a black polo with the word 'security' written across the chest came to punch you in the gut and literally fucking toss you over the chain-link fence that surrounded the fairground
  180. >He also confiscated your green paper funnel cakes
  181. >You look down at your muzzle and realize that you're chewing on the ends of Monster's tail, which tastes more like rope than a sugary treat
  182. >"Stop that."
  183. >Her voice has an authoritative edge, like a mother chastizing her child, and you release her hair to go back to staring at the sky
  185. >In this clearing sits a small covered wagon
  186. >Pulling this wagon is a lanky Glass Joe type character
  187. >He was just a regular ol purple pony, no horns or wings to speak of
  188. >Nothing odd about this fella
  189. >Aside from being freakishly tall and so thin you might think he was a skeleton
  190. >If he wasn't purple, that is
  191. >Monster says something quiet to the cart-puller and helps you into the back of the wagon
  192. >The floor is covered in straw and at the far end of the cart is a large wooden chest
  193. >You walk over and reach out to open it, but Monster grabs you and shakes her head
  194. >"Didn't your mother ever tell you to not poke around in other ponies' things?"
  195. >You tap your chin
  196. >You couldn't draw up any recollection of any such event
  197. "No, I don't think so."
  198. >She rolls her eyes
  199. >"Whatever. Get comfortable, this is gonna be a long ride."
  201. >This was a bad idea
  202. >You had taken a nap and woke up to discover the pikeberries or whatever the hell they were called had worn off
  203. >Now you were able to fully appreciate how fucking terrifying your situation is
  204. >Monster is sitting at the ass end of the wagon, blocking any sort of escape
  205. >This is how cultists get victims
  206. >And forced converts
  207. >No doubt Selkie was planted where he was to drug you so the dark harvest would be easier to complete
  208. >Whatever dark harvest they were planning
  209. >It could be a blood sacrifice to gain the favor of some malevolent skeleton demon, they might fuck your virgin butthole to become sex gods, perhaps even eat your brain to gain your knowledge
  210. >Anything is possible with dark gods
  211. >You were pretending to be asleep while you formulated a plan
  212. >Monster Mash must think her vile concotion has yet to wear off, for she is passing the time braiding her tail
  213. >You don't know what glass Joe is doing out there, but you assume it has something to do with the cart and pulling
  214. >Suddenly, the wagon grinds do a halt and you are aware of music and lots of talking
  215. >Monster pokes her head out of the back of the wagon, and you take this distraction as a sign to make the third great escape of this adventure
  216. >You spring into action, quickly closing the length of the cart and leaping out of the back
  217. >That's another thing you've been doing a lot of, leaping
  218. >You could probably crush a watermelon with these thighs when you get home
  219. >Upon landing, you freeze as the sight of dozens of heads turning to face you
  220. >But not in a blood circle or anything
  221. >This is more of a large hippie camp
  222. >Tents, a bonfire, some faggot playing an acoustic guitar, various cooking pots comically similar to witch cauldrons
  223. >But everyone has stopped doing whatever it was they were doing to stare at you
  224. >And you realize too late that you are screaming
  225. >You don't know when you started, but you are
  226. >A lump forms in your throat and the scream is cut off
  227. >You are frozen in fear, your heart fluttering like a frazzled bumblebee
  228. >Now that you are quiet, most of the surprised faces grow into warm smiles
  229. >Some look down and start rocking in place
  230. >Others are pacing nervously around the camp
  231. >But most are still looking at you
  232. >You finally find the strength to start backing away, shrinking down like a frightened animal
  233. >"Speedy-"
  234. >Monster Mash climbs out of the wagon and accidentally steps on your tail
  235. >In an instant your strength returns and your legs turn into a whirlwind as you try to beat a hasty retreat
  236. >But Monster's freakish strength keeps your tail pinned and you only succeed in hurting your ass, falling over and scraping your ankles
  237. >Glass Joe appears out of nowhere and scoops you up as a wave of calm suddenly washes over you
  238. >Not enough to settle your fear, but enough to turn your pure terror into bug-eyed anxiousness
  239. >The ponies go back to business and you close your eyes so none of them can turn you into stone with a wicked gorgon gaze
  240. >Moments pass and you are aware of being set down
  241. >When you open your eyes you can see that you are in some sort of grand teepee, complete with a smoky fire in the center
  242. >At the other side sits a blue unicorn wearing a silly looking wizard hat and star-printed cape on a colorful mat
  243. >"The kind and merciful Trixie welcomes you to our family. She is told your name is Speedy, is it not?"
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