ellen degeneres2

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INDOXXI
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A NETFLIX ORIGINAL COMEDY SPECIAL

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[crowd cheers]

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[background song]

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Thank you so much.

5
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Thank you.

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That is lovely energy.

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I appreciate it.

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Thank you so much
for being here, Seattle.

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So it's been 15 years
since I've done stand-up

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and when I decided to do this special

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a friend of mine was at my house
and I told him:

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"I'm going to do stand up again."

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And he said: "Really?"

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And I said:

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"Yeah. I was hoping for more of a really."
But it was really.

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And I said: "Yes, why?"
And he said:

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"Well, do you think
you're still relatable?"

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And...

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[crowd laughs]

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I said: "Yes, I do think
I'm still relatable.

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I'm a human being."

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He said: "Well, I mean, your life
has changed so much."

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And... I said:
"I know but I still think I'm relatable."

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And anyway, just then, Batu, my butler,
stepped into the library...

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and...

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He announced
that my breakfast was ready and I...

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[crowd laughs]

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I said: "We'll continue this conversation
another time.

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This is... ridiculous."

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And... hum...

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So I'm sitting in the solarium
eating my breakfast and...

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I was on my third or fourth bite
of cute pineapple that Batu was feeding me

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and...

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I said: "Batu, I'm not hungry,
I've lost my appetite.

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My friend has really upset me
by what he said."

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And...

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he said: "Well then,
I shall draw you a bath ma'am."

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And...

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I said: "You don't have to announce it
all the time. Just draw the bath."

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So I'm sitting in the tub

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and I'm looking out of the window
at the rose garden and...

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Tatiana was tending
to the roses and...

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I knocked.
"Ma'am."

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And... anyway. I get out of the tub

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and Batu had forgotten to put the towel
next to the tub.

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Again!

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And...

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So, I had to do that bathmat scoot
all the way across...

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the bathroom to get to the towel.

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And, it's a big...
You can imagine how big the bathroom is.

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It's like...

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[crowd laughs]

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Doing the bathmat scoot.

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And then I stopped and I was like:
"Oh my God...

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this is relatable."

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[crowd claps]

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People do the bathmat scoot

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when the butler forgets to put the towel
next to the tub.

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And I thought: "Oh my God,
I am gonna go downstairs

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I'm gonna write the most relatable
special that anybody has ever seen."

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So after Lupita got me dressed
and combed my hair...

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I just couldn't wait, I was just...

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the whole way down the escalator,

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I'm like, this is gonna be so good.

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So I get downstairs

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and my friend is still down
wandering around in the hallway

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and I'm like: "What are you still
doing here?"

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And he's like: "I'm lost."
And I'm like: "Oh my God."

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"How many times
have I shown you the front door?

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It's down the hall

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pass the Medal of Freedom,
pass the Emmys

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pass the People's Choice Awards

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past the Kids' Choice Awards,
the Teens' Choice Awards

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the Mark Twain Prize,
the Peabody.

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Take a left at the gift shop,
and that is the front door."

76
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I think people have a tendency...

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We look at somebody
and we decide we know all about them.

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We put someone in a box so,
you know

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I think everyone thinks that all
celebrities live exactly the same.

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Like we all live behind big gold gates
down a long winding driveway and...

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to a big round motor court with a...

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fountain in the center
shooting up in the air and...

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double doors leading to a two-story
entrance and matching curved staircases

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to the second floor

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and a chandelier made of crystal

86
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and gold toilets, and...

87
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What else do I have?

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[crowd laughs]

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Gold toilets...

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We do... We have a tendency
to stereotype people.

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This is...

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This is a true story.

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I was talking to this woman

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and she was telling me
about her kid's recital or something.

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You know, how people are, and...

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I said: "I gotta get going.

97
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I gotta get home to feed my cats."

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And...

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She said: "Oh, how many cats do you have?"

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And I said: "Three."
And she goes: "Oh, you are a lesbian."

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[crowd claps]

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I said: "I got news for you, that's not
what makes you a lesbian, it's..."

103
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Nuts...

104
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It's other stuff. It's...

105
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I said: "I have three dogs.
Does that cancel it out in any way or..."

106
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What if I had two cats,
does that make me questioning

107
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or am I not quite gay at that
point?

108
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I don't know...

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I am still gay by the way.

110
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Still...

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Oh, thank you.
[crowd cheers]

112
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Thank you very much.

113
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Thank you.

114
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Thank you.

115
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Yes, I'm enjoying it. It's...

116
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really working out for me now.

117
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It's...

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at the beginning, not so much, but now...

119
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Yeah, it was tough in the beginning.
For five minutes it was really celebrated

120
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and then everyone changed their minds.

121
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But I really...
For a few minutes there

122
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it really seemed like it was going well
and I thought

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everyone in Hollywood that's closeted
is gonna come out after me

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I pictured like a stampede
of wild elephants like...

125
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every closeted actor and actress
in Hollywood...

126
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But instead,
they were like little meerkats

127
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coming out of their little
meerkat closets. Just...

128
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"How's this gonna go?

129
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Is she gonna be OK?

130
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Before I make a decision
I wanna see how this is.

131
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Nope, not going well.
I'm going down...

132
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back in...

133
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stay there for a little while."

134
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I just think, it would help
if more people came out.

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There are a lot of children
that it would impact

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a lot of kids would be helped
by that, you know, and...

137
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[crowd cheers and clap]

138
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It's not just actors and actresses.

139
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I mean, there are gay football players,
there are gay baseball players

140
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there are gay hockey players,
there are gay doctors, lawyers

141
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there are gay hairdressers, you guys.

142
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I just think
when something is talked about

143
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and when you see representatives
of whatever the subject is

144
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it demystifies it.

145
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People aren't afraid of it anymore like...

146
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dandruff.

147
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I mean...

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People weren't talking about dandruff.

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Everybody was all nervous about dandruff

150
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and then Sofia Vergara does this
Head & Shoulders commercial...

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Her son has dandruff.
He's a handsome boy.

152
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We don't care.
He's got dandruff.

153
00:08:35,181 --> 00:08:38,351
Nobody's worried about talking
about dandruff anymore, you know.

154
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Jen Aniston has dry eye.

155
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We know that now.

156
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[crowd laughs]

157
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She's your friend,
she's my friend.

158
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She has dry eye and that's okay.

159
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She's actually... She is my friend
and she hid that from me.

160
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I had to learn about it
on the commercial. She was...

161
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ashamed.

162
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So, I think, you know,
if more gay people would endorse...

163
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and not in a commercial,
like, but, although...

164
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Can you imagine:

165
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"Hi, I'm Ellen DeGeneres.
Now I'd like to talk to you about gay.

166
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Do you find yourself in love with,
attracted to or just curious

167
00:09:27,692 --> 00:09:28,692
about the same sex?

168
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Maybe it's time you try gay.

169
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[crowd laughs]

170
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[claps]

171
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You'll notice the difference
in as little as 48 hours.

172
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And I should know.
I'm not just a spokesperson, I'm a gay.

173
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Side effects may include: Loss of family,
loss of friends, unemployment."

174
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[crowd laughs]

175
00:10:04,562 --> 00:10:06,564
[crowd claps]

176
00:10:12,153 --> 00:10:14,989
Yep, unemployment is a side effect.
That is definitely...

177
00:10:15,782 --> 00:10:18,576
I lost my sitcom when I came out and...

178
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It's not like nobody warned me.

179
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I mean everybody warned me.

180
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My publicist, my agent, my manager

181
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anyone making money off of me said:
"Don't do it."

182
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But, you know,
my worst fears came true because...

183
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you know, and that's why
people stay closeted.

184
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The same people who loved me,
overnight, just hated me.

185
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Just because they knew I was gay.
Everything changed.

186
00:10:41,349 --> 00:10:45,353
And you know, I went through a depression
and people made fun of me

187
00:10:45,603 --> 00:10:48,898
and people were writing articles about me,
dissecting the whole process

188
00:10:48,982 --> 00:10:51,359
and why I did it
and that I shouldn't have done it

189
00:10:51,442 --> 00:10:53,778
and you know,
it was just a really tough thing.

190
00:10:53,862 --> 00:10:56,531
It took three years for me
to get back on television.

191
00:10:56,614 --> 00:10:59,367
And, so when I was offered this talk show

192
00:10:59,450 --> 00:11:02,537
I was really excited about it,
but they were trying to sell the talk show

193
00:11:02,620 --> 00:11:06,749
and a lot of people didn't wanna buy it
because no one thought they'd watch.

194
00:11:06,833 --> 00:11:10,003
There was this one station manager,
and this is a quote:

195
00:11:10,253 --> 00:11:11,296
"No one's gonna watch it.

196
00:11:11,379 --> 00:11:13,256
No one's gonna watch
a lesbian during the day."

197
00:11:14,174 --> 00:11:16,176
[crowd laughs]

198
00:11:18,219 --> 00:11:21,806
I said: "Well, they weren't watching me
at night. What time of day is good for...

199
00:11:23,016 --> 00:11:24,016
a lesbian?"

200
00:11:26,227 --> 00:11:27,227
So...

201
00:11:27,937 --> 00:11:29,939
[claps]

202
00:11:31,399 --> 00:11:34,319
Yeah, and then I get on the air
in the first season.

203
00:11:35,028 --> 00:11:37,822
I'm sure you have it archived.
if you look back at the first season.

204
00:11:38,823 --> 00:11:42,243
I kinda had to tone it down a little bit,
I had to dress differently.

205
00:11:42,327 --> 00:11:43,536
I was, you know...

206
00:11:43,620 --> 00:11:44,996
My hair was different.

207
00:11:45,079 --> 00:11:47,874
I had to wear necklaces,
crazy things, really. Just...

208
00:11:56,174 --> 00:11:57,675
"Is Ellen wearing a necklace?

209
00:12:00,345 --> 00:12:01,471
It's very delicate.

210
00:12:03,514 --> 00:12:05,683
She may not be gay anymore,
I don't know.

211
00:12:08,770 --> 00:12:11,231
Does she still have the cats?
She may not be gay."

212
00:12:16,653 --> 00:12:18,738
But then, you know, the years went on

213
00:12:18,821 --> 00:12:20,823
and people watched the show
and liked the show

214
00:12:20,907 --> 00:12:23,117
saw that I was the same person
I was before

215
00:12:23,201 --> 00:12:25,828
plus I started giving stuff away
and people love free stuff.

216
00:12:28,373 --> 00:12:30,083
Oh yeah!

217
00:12:33,795 --> 00:12:35,463
"I got a TV from the gay lady.

218
00:12:37,131 --> 00:12:38,424
I sure do like her."

219
00:12:44,347 --> 00:12:48,059
Yeah, so, starting season 16
this year and now...

220
00:12:48,142 --> 00:12:50,144
[crowd cheers and claps]

221
00:13:01,572 --> 00:13:04,742
So, it turns out they'll watch a lesbian
during the day. They...

222
00:13:08,246 --> 00:13:10,581
So, now everybody's pretty cool
with the fact I'm gay.

223
00:13:10,665 --> 00:13:11,791
Everybody's fine with that.

224
00:13:11,874 --> 00:13:13,554
The one thing people get really
upset about

225
00:13:13,626 --> 00:13:15,044
is when they find out I'm
vegan.

226
00:13:15,128 --> 00:13:16,379
Oh boy.

227
00:13:17,839 --> 00:13:20,717
"You're vegan?
Where do you get your protein?

228
00:13:21,676 --> 00:13:23,594
Why do you care
where I get my protein?

229
00:13:23,761 --> 00:13:25,763
[crowd laughs]

230
00:13:27,348 --> 00:13:29,350
[claps]

231
00:13:32,562 --> 00:13:34,272
Where do you get your riboflavin?"

232
00:13:42,780 --> 00:13:43,906
It's hard to be vegan.

233
00:13:43,990 --> 00:13:46,534
If you go to a restaurant,
unless it's a vegan restaurant.

234
00:13:46,617 --> 00:13:47,744
they don't know what to do.

235
00:13:47,827 --> 00:13:49,412
You know, you say: "I'm vegan.

236
00:13:49,495 --> 00:13:51,456
So well, then you can have the chicken?

237
00:13:51,539 --> 00:13:52,874
No can't have the chicken.

238
00:13:53,750 --> 00:13:56,711
- I'll get the asparagus.
- Well, that comes with Parmesan cheese.

239
00:13:57,211 --> 00:13:58,338
Can you do it without?

240
00:14:00,340 --> 00:14:04,010
- Alright, I'll just get the salad then.
- Well, that's soaked in ham juice.

241
00:14:04,218 --> 00:14:06,220
[crowd laughs]

242
00:14:09,057 --> 00:14:12,101
- Why?
- That's how we do it, don't know."

243
00:14:17,607 --> 00:14:20,610
I'm not really vegan,
I say it for the joke. But I'm not...

244
00:14:21,027 --> 00:14:23,029
[crowd laughs]

245
00:14:23,237 --> 00:14:25,615
Oh, look...
how happy you are.

246
00:14:26,949 --> 00:14:29,202
Oh my God, you're so happy
I'm not vegan.

247
00:14:30,828 --> 00:14:35,375
"Thank God, Ellen. I was trying
to laugh along with the vegan bit, but..."

248
00:14:38,628 --> 00:14:40,630
And all the vegans are like:
"Oh, Ellen!

249
00:14:43,091 --> 00:14:45,218
You were helping us for a minute there."

250
00:14:46,844 --> 00:14:50,348
I was vegan for 8 years and I really do
believe that is great for you.

251
00:14:50,431 --> 00:14:53,184
I was healthier than I'd ever been,
I love being vegan.

252
00:14:53,267 --> 00:14:55,228
But just in the last year or two

253
00:14:55,686 --> 00:14:58,856
for no reason, really. I just started
eating a piece of fish once in a while

254
00:14:58,940 --> 00:15:01,526
and I'll eat eggs
from chickens that I know.

255
00:15:01,609 --> 00:15:02,769
You know what I mean? Like...

256
00:15:03,194 --> 00:15:05,196
If they're in someone's backyard

257
00:15:05,279 --> 00:15:07,079
and they're wondering around
and they're happy

258
00:15:07,115 --> 00:15:09,435
and they don't have a husband.
Do you know what I'm saying?

259
00:15:09,784 --> 00:15:10,784
You know...

260
00:15:11,452 --> 00:15:12,620
You know what I mean...

261
00:15:14,622 --> 00:15:16,207
You know what I mean, yeah.

262
00:15:22,046 --> 00:15:24,726
Some of the restaurants are trying
to figure out how to help vegans.

263
00:15:24,799 --> 00:15:26,679
There's not a lot of option
at most restaurants.

264
00:15:26,717 --> 00:15:29,220
But the fine dining. I love that phrase.
"Fine dining."

265
00:15:29,303 --> 00:15:30,805
"- How's the dining?
- Fine."

266
00:15:31,180 --> 00:15:33,182
[crowd laughs]

267
00:15:37,728 --> 00:15:40,773
They try to be so fancy
when you go into the "fine dining".

268
00:15:40,857 --> 00:15:42,275
"Have you dined with us before?

269
00:15:42,900 --> 00:15:45,319
No, but I've dined in other places before.

270
00:15:46,571 --> 00:15:48,990
Something different gonna happen in here?

271
00:15:50,950 --> 00:15:52,827
Sit down and eat and pay
and leave, right?

272
00:15:53,453 --> 00:15:54,453
OK.

273
00:15:59,417 --> 00:16:01,627
Some of these restaurants
they have the waiters that...

274
00:16:01,711 --> 00:16:04,630
I get so much anxiety from
the waiters

275
00:16:04,714 --> 00:16:07,216
that refuse to take your orders
and write it down.

276
00:16:07,300 --> 00:16:09,510
They insist on memorizing your order.

277
00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:12,346
Oh my God, I have so much anxiety.

278
00:16:12,430 --> 00:16:15,683
I don't know why they insist on doing it.
like they're impressing us in some way.

279
00:16:15,766 --> 00:16:18,978
You know, like, we're gonna go home
later that night lying in bed talking:

280
00:16:19,061 --> 00:16:21,606
"I still can't get over that waiter.

281
00:16:23,191 --> 00:16:24,191
Oh.

282
00:16:28,738 --> 00:16:31,199
Every single thing, he remembered.

283
00:16:36,829 --> 00:16:40,041
Yep, the green beans.
I thought about that too, on the side...

284
00:16:41,959 --> 00:16:42,959
Good night."

285
00:16:48,466 --> 00:16:50,468
If I see
they're not gonna write it down.

286
00:16:50,551 --> 00:16:53,721
I'd say: "Do you mind if I write it down
and give it to you and then...

287
00:16:54,222 --> 00:16:55,306
you take it in
the kitchen?

288
00:16:55,389 --> 00:16:56,599
Is that okay? 'Cause...

289
00:16:57,433 --> 00:16:59,018
I'd like it to come out right."

290
00:17:01,395 --> 00:17:04,649
It's just so... I'm filled with anxiety
when they come up to the table

291
00:17:04,732 --> 00:17:06,067
and they just come up and:

292
00:17:06,317 --> 00:17:07,735
"And the lady will have?

293
00:17:17,286 --> 00:17:18,286
Thank you.

294
00:17:20,748 --> 00:17:21,916
And for the gentleman?

295
00:17:28,756 --> 00:17:31,425
Shouldn't be a problem.
I'll speak with the chef and... yes.

296
00:17:31,592 --> 00:17:34,428
And the green beans on the side.
I'll do that, thank you.

297
00:17:36,097 --> 00:17:37,181
And for you?

298
00:17:37,890 --> 00:17:39,767
[crowd laughs]

299
00:17:41,894 --> 00:17:44,188
Deathly allergic.
Alright, I'll remember that.

300
00:17:44,855 --> 00:17:46,732
Yes.
No, deathly allergic.

301
00:17:46,816 --> 00:17:48,609
I got it right there, thank you.

302
00:17:50,945 --> 00:17:51,945
And next?

303
00:18:04,417 --> 00:18:05,417
Thank you.

304
00:18:07,211 --> 00:18:08,629
And this side of the table?

305
00:18:08,754 --> 00:18:10,756
[crowd laughs and claps]

306
00:18:15,177 --> 00:18:16,177
Excellent choice."

307
00:18:16,220 --> 00:18:18,639
I hate when they say "excellent choice"
right after me.

308
00:18:18,723 --> 00:18:21,225
Like: "What was my choice?
It wasn't...? Why?

309
00:18:21,726 --> 00:18:23,227
Why do you say that to her?"

310
00:18:27,356 --> 00:18:30,818
Some of the nicer restaurants have
the bathroom attendants in there

311
00:18:30,901 --> 00:18:33,779
which is a... I don't understand
how that job got started.

312
00:18:33,863 --> 00:18:35,114
That was somebody's idea.

313
00:18:35,615 --> 00:18:36,949
I don't know who started that.

314
00:18:37,033 --> 00:18:40,328
I don't know if some person,
a customer in the restaurant.

315
00:18:40,411 --> 00:18:41,871
"I'd like to speak to the manager.

316
00:18:41,954 --> 00:18:44,999
I'm the manager. Was there a problem
with the meal, everything OK?

317
00:18:45,082 --> 00:18:47,627
Everything was fine, thank you.
Delicious, as a matter fact

318
00:18:47,710 --> 00:18:49,670
but when I went into the bathroom...

319
00:18:50,588 --> 00:18:51,922
I was all alone.

320
00:19:00,890 --> 00:19:01,974
Nobody was in there.

321
00:19:04,060 --> 00:19:07,104
Alright, so you would like someone
to go in with you?

322
00:19:07,188 --> 00:19:08,022
No.

323
00:19:08,105 --> 00:19:11,525
I'd like someone already in there
before I get in there waiting...

324
00:19:12,401 --> 00:19:13,401
listening.

325
00:19:13,569 --> 00:19:15,571
[crowd laughs]

326
00:19:31,504 --> 00:19:33,589
The bathroom attendant
used to be a simple thing.

327
00:19:33,673 --> 00:19:36,717
There was a woman in there
and there was a hair brush and some mints

328
00:19:36,801 --> 00:19:39,220
by the way, who's using that hairbrush?
That's...

329
00:19:40,304 --> 00:19:42,181
There's hair in it already
and you just...

330
00:19:54,527 --> 00:19:56,153
Now, it's like, it's grown.

331
00:19:56,237 --> 00:19:59,117
It's like, now, there's anything
you could possibly want in the bathroom.

332
00:19:59,156 --> 00:20:00,950
It's like, a whole bodega
is set up in there.

333
00:20:01,033 --> 00:20:03,244
There's like...
There is a make-up display

334
00:20:03,327 --> 00:20:06,789
there's is a curling iron,
hair extensions

335
00:20:08,332 --> 00:20:09,542
crudités

336
00:20:11,252 --> 00:20:13,963
Oh, are those strawberries in season?
Those look good.

337
00:20:17,049 --> 00:20:18,929
You leave the bathroom
to go back to your table.

338
00:20:18,968 --> 00:20:20,886
"I'm full, I ate in the bathroom.

339
00:20:21,429 --> 00:20:22,805
I don't need anything.

340
00:20:24,140 --> 00:20:25,766
Oh, and the hummus was good."

341
00:20:30,688 --> 00:20:33,107
If I go in there
and if I don't have any money on me

342
00:20:33,190 --> 00:20:35,192
and they're trying to hand me the towel

343
00:20:35,276 --> 00:20:36,694
I feel like: "No, thank you.

344
00:20:36,777 --> 00:20:37,778
I can't... No.

345
00:20:38,320 --> 00:20:39,196
I don't... No.

346
00:20:39,280 --> 00:20:41,532
I don't deserve it,
give it to the lady there.

347
00:20:42,241 --> 00:20:43,951
No, thank you. I'm good."

348
00:20:44,285 --> 00:20:46,287
[crowd claps]

349
00:20:48,497 --> 00:20:50,897
That's a job, there are so many jobs
when you think about it.

350
00:20:50,958 --> 00:20:52,835
There are so many different types of jobs.

351
00:20:52,918 --> 00:20:53,794
I like my job.

352
00:20:53,878 --> 00:20:56,380
I have a good job.
I... a few years ago

353
00:20:56,464 --> 00:20:59,550
I started ending my show by saying:
"Be kind to one another."

354
00:20:59,967 --> 00:21:00,968
And...

355
00:21:01,051 --> 00:21:03,053
[crowd cheers]

356
00:21:09,852 --> 00:21:11,645
Yeah, that's what I thought. But...

357
00:21:13,898 --> 00:21:17,359
And it's a wonderful thing, it is,
but here's the downside

358
00:21:18,235 --> 00:21:21,906
I can never do anything unkind,
ever now, ever.

359
00:21:22,448 --> 00:21:23,699
I'm the be-kind girl.

360
00:21:23,949 --> 00:21:24,949
I'm...

361
00:21:25,242 --> 00:21:26,869
And I'm kind, I'm a good person.

362
00:21:26,952 --> 00:21:29,288
I know I am, but I'm a human being
and I have bad days

363
00:21:29,371 --> 00:21:32,333
and I'm in traffic like you, I drive

364
00:21:32,541 --> 00:21:35,669
but I can't do the things you do
because I'm the be-kind girl.

365
00:21:35,961 --> 00:21:36,961
You know.

366
00:21:38,339 --> 00:21:42,009
I mean, if someone does something rude
in traffic to you, you can honk...

367
00:21:42,092 --> 00:21:44,762
and let them know
your disapproval and I...

368
00:21:44,929 --> 00:21:46,449
I shouldn't even have a horn
in my car.

369
00:21:46,514 --> 00:21:48,224
There's no reason for me
to have a horn.

370
00:21:48,390 --> 00:21:50,184
I can't honk ever at anyone.

371
00:21:50,267 --> 00:21:52,937
Like, if someone cuts me off
in a dangerous way

372
00:21:53,020 --> 00:21:54,980
if I honk, they are like: "Ellen?"

373
00:21:55,523 --> 00:21:57,525
[crowd laughs]

374
00:22:03,322 --> 00:22:05,324
[crowd laughs and claps]

375
00:22:13,582 --> 00:22:15,000
Yeah, that and the dancing.

376
00:22:15,084 --> 00:22:16,710
That was a mistake, too.
That...

377
00:22:22,716 --> 00:22:23,801
I'm not a dancer.

378
00:22:23,884 --> 00:22:25,594
I just danced as a joke.

379
00:22:26,470 --> 00:22:29,056
And then I danced
the second day too good

380
00:22:29,181 --> 00:22:32,268
and then the third...
And I was locked in, I was the dancer.

381
00:22:33,435 --> 00:22:34,270
Like, I mean

382
00:22:34,353 --> 00:22:38,023
Baryshnikov doesn't get asked to dance
as much as I get asked to dance.

383
00:22:39,608 --> 00:22:41,920
People see me, whenever they see me
anywhere, they're like:

384
00:22:41,944 --> 00:22:43,487
"Dance Ellen, dance."

385
00:22:43,946 --> 00:22:44,947
And I'm like...

386
00:22:46,532 --> 00:22:49,118
"I'm getting a mammogram.
I can't move right now.

387
00:22:49,618 --> 00:22:51,620
[crowd laughs]

388
00:22:57,001 --> 00:22:59,003
How did you get in here, anyway?"

389
00:23:07,845 --> 00:23:08,679
Yeah, I can't...

390
00:23:08,762 --> 00:23:10,347
When I'm in traffic, here's the thing.

391
00:23:10,431 --> 00:23:12,933
I love to drive and I like to drive fast

392
00:23:13,017 --> 00:23:16,854
and I'm safe, but I do like to go fast
and so slow drivers...

393
00:23:17,187 --> 00:23:21,275
irritate me, because they're going so slow
and let's be honest.

394
00:23:21,358 --> 00:23:22,985
It's usually a Prius, isn't it?

395
00:23:23,152 --> 00:23:25,154
[crowd claps]

396
00:23:31,785 --> 00:23:34,246
They've got the "coexist" bumper sticker
on the back

397
00:23:36,332 --> 00:23:38,167
listening to NPR

398
00:23:39,585 --> 00:23:41,170
knitting a hemp scarf...

399
00:23:46,216 --> 00:23:49,261
If I see a Prius going fast, I'm like:
"Good for you!"

400
00:23:58,020 --> 00:24:00,481
I don't know why it is.
Whenever we pass someone going slow

401
00:24:00,564 --> 00:24:03,317
we have to see what they look like.
We're always like...

402
00:24:05,110 --> 00:24:06,737
"That's what you look like.

403
00:24:10,449 --> 00:24:11,867
I thought so, I thought..."

404
00:24:12,034 --> 00:24:14,036
[crowd laughs]

405
00:24:22,920 --> 00:24:26,840
There's nothing more embarrassing
than when you pass up a slow driver

406
00:24:26,924 --> 00:24:29,802
to show them the proper way of driving.
You go around them

407
00:24:29,885 --> 00:24:32,221
and show them how they should be driving

408
00:24:32,304 --> 00:24:33,806
and then you hit a red light.

409
00:24:35,516 --> 00:24:39,603
And you're watching them slowly creep up
in your rearview mirror, and you're just:

410
00:24:40,646 --> 00:24:43,273
"Please, change. Please, change.
Please, change."

411
00:24:43,941 --> 00:24:47,695
And the light doesn't change
so they just creep up alongside of you.

412
00:24:49,029 --> 00:24:51,365
"I'm just gonna look down here
and touch that.

413
00:24:51,991 --> 00:24:54,493
I'm gonna see what that is,
right there, with that

414
00:24:54,576 --> 00:24:56,870
because I have to see this and...

415
00:24:56,954 --> 00:25:00,874
No, I know you're next to me but you're
still wrong, even though you caught up.

416
00:25:01,917 --> 00:25:04,878
And I'm gonna do that with my finger
for a while because..."

417
00:25:04,962 --> 00:25:06,964
[crowd laughs and claps]

418
00:25:13,387 --> 00:25:16,265
I don't wanna judge. You don't know
why someone's going slow.

419
00:25:16,348 --> 00:25:19,309
You have no idea.
Maybe they're transporting a bowl of soup.

420
00:25:19,476 --> 00:25:21,311
I don't know, you know.

421
00:25:29,361 --> 00:25:32,364
I really don't like to judge,
except for people who say "libary".

422
00:25:32,448 --> 00:25:33,448
Then I do.

423
00:25:35,617 --> 00:25:36,702
"Libary"...

424
00:25:36,785 --> 00:25:38,078
Really?

425
00:25:38,162 --> 00:25:39,162
OK.

426
00:25:40,622 --> 00:25:42,082
The place with all the words?

427
00:25:42,958 --> 00:25:43,958
OK...

428
00:25:44,418 --> 00:25:46,670
You know what word's not in there?
"Libary".

429
00:25:46,795 --> 00:25:48,047
[crowd laughs]

430
00:25:55,846 --> 00:25:57,246
No, I don't like to judge 'cause...

431
00:25:57,306 --> 00:25:59,933
I do stupid things, we all do...
Everyone does stupid things.

432
00:26:00,017 --> 00:26:02,144
But the difference is,
when you do something stupid

433
00:26:02,227 --> 00:26:04,521
you're just a person someone saw
doing something stupid.

434
00:26:04,605 --> 00:26:06,899
When I do something stupid,
it's a story.

435
00:26:06,982 --> 00:26:10,527
I went to a gas station
to put gas in my car

436
00:26:10,611 --> 00:26:13,572
And there's a group of teenage boys
across the way and they're like...

437
00:26:13,655 --> 00:26:14,531
really cool.

438
00:26:14,615 --> 00:26:16,658
They were vaping and...

439
00:26:21,246 --> 00:26:23,446
And they were like:
"It's Ellen, oh my God, it's Ellen."

440
00:26:23,499 --> 00:26:24,499
And I'm like...

441
00:26:25,000 --> 00:26:27,002
[crowd laughs]

442
00:26:42,142 --> 00:26:43,142
and...

443
00:26:43,811 --> 00:26:47,481
then I realized I pulled up,
and the gas pump was over here

444
00:26:48,941 --> 00:26:51,777
and my tank was back here,
on this side of the car.

445
00:26:56,240 --> 00:26:59,451
They're looking at me,
and I'm looking at them and...

446
00:26:59,743 --> 00:27:01,286
I get back in the car...

447
00:27:02,121 --> 00:27:03,330
and I pull around.

448
00:27:06,708 --> 00:27:08,585
Now, it's still on the wrong side...

449
00:27:10,295 --> 00:27:12,005
because I've just pulled around.

450
00:27:16,844 --> 00:27:18,554
And they're still looking at me...

451
00:27:20,097 --> 00:27:22,017
And I'm like:
"I don't wanna look like an idiot."

452
00:27:22,224 --> 00:27:24,184
So, I just filled up the back seat.

453
00:27:24,268 --> 00:27:25,102
I just...

454
00:27:25,185 --> 00:27:27,187
[crowd claps]

455
00:27:30,858 --> 00:27:32,693
I'll buy a new car, I don't care.

456
00:27:32,776 --> 00:27:34,778
[crowd laughs]

457
00:27:36,238 --> 00:27:38,240
[claps]

458
00:27:44,454 --> 00:27:46,915
I don't have that many
childhood memories.

459
00:27:46,999 --> 00:27:49,459
And I think because my mother told me
she was rocking me

460
00:27:49,543 --> 00:27:52,671
when I was a little baby
and we went over backwards and...

461
00:27:53,338 --> 00:27:56,300
I thought, how fast
do you have to be rocking...

462
00:27:56,383 --> 00:27:57,718
a baby?

463
00:27:59,136 --> 00:28:01,263
How is that soothing for either of us?

464
00:28:07,144 --> 00:28:10,272
She said she held my head.
I don't think she did. She...

465
00:28:11,356 --> 00:28:13,775
And she has no memory either.
I think we both hit our heads.

466
00:28:13,859 --> 00:28:14,859
I'm not sure.

467
00:28:16,153 --> 00:28:18,155
But the only memory,
I have a couple of memories

468
00:28:18,238 --> 00:28:21,158
when we would go to a gas station
when I was a little girl.

469
00:28:21,241 --> 00:28:24,286
My dad would only get
a dollar's worth of gas, all the time.

470
00:28:24,453 --> 00:28:26,788
Every time we'd go get
a dollar's worth of gas

471
00:28:26,872 --> 00:28:28,790
so I'm like:
"Just fill it up once, just..."

472
00:28:28,874 --> 00:28:31,043
And I look back now
and I'm like: "Oh, we were poor."

473
00:28:31,126 --> 00:28:32,211
That's why. He had...

474
00:28:32,628 --> 00:28:33,670
only a dollar.

475
00:28:34,129 --> 00:28:35,129
Makes sense now.

476
00:28:36,465 --> 00:28:38,842
I was raised in New Orleans and...

477
00:28:39,051 --> 00:28:40,051
we...

478
00:28:40,719 --> 00:28:45,849
It's a wonderful place to grow up
and I was raised Christian Science.

479
00:28:45,933 --> 00:28:47,053
That was a religion we were.

480
00:28:47,100 --> 00:28:49,394
And if you don't know Christian Science,
it is a religion

481
00:28:49,478 --> 00:28:51,563
that does not believe in doctors
or medicine.

482
00:28:51,688 --> 00:28:55,400
So my entire childhood, I never had
a vaccination, never had any medicine.

483
00:28:55,651 --> 00:28:58,946
They believe we are spiritual beings
having a material experience

484
00:28:59,029 --> 00:29:03,617
in the material world and the mantra
that they say is: "Know the truth."

485
00:29:03,700 --> 00:29:08,080
And the truth is, there is no pain
unless you give it pain with your mind.

486
00:29:08,789 --> 00:29:09,789
I was 10 years old.

487
00:29:09,831 --> 00:29:13,210
I split my knee open
and my bone was exposed.

488
00:29:13,627 --> 00:29:16,546
And my dad told me
to "know the truth" and I said:

489
00:29:16,630 --> 00:29:17,630
"Well...

490
00:29:17,673 --> 00:29:18,674
the truth is...

491
00:29:22,552 --> 00:29:24,596
My bone is exposing its...

492
00:29:25,764 --> 00:29:28,433
material-self to the material world.

493
00:29:30,394 --> 00:29:31,394
Help me."

494
00:29:32,229 --> 00:29:33,355
And then I passed out.

495
00:29:37,859 --> 00:29:40,404
Yeah, we never had a vaccination,
never had...

496
00:29:40,487 --> 00:29:42,781
But they even kept, like, medicine...

497
00:29:42,864 --> 00:29:44,491
I didn't know anything about medicine.

498
00:29:44,574 --> 00:29:46,761
It's amazing, we were poor
'cause we never had medicine.

499
00:29:46,785 --> 00:29:49,288
We never bought anything.
We should've saved a fortune on that.

500
00:29:49,454 --> 00:29:50,454
But...

501
00:29:50,998 --> 00:29:53,667
my grandmother lived with us
when I was a little girl

502
00:29:53,750 --> 00:29:56,378
and if an Aspirin commercial
came on the air

503
00:29:56,461 --> 00:29:58,672
she would get up from the sofa,
go to the TV

504
00:29:58,755 --> 00:30:02,342
turn it down, stand in front of it
and hum a hymn really loudly like...

505
00:30:02,759 --> 00:30:06,888
[Ellen hums a hymn]

506
00:30:07,931 --> 00:30:11,059
So you can imagine my fascination
with Aspirin when I was a little girl.

507
00:30:11,143 --> 00:30:12,143
Like...

508
00:30:12,686 --> 00:30:14,104
"What is Aspirin?

509
00:30:16,523 --> 00:30:17,774
What is happening?"

510
00:30:21,486 --> 00:30:23,447
Oh my God, it was just like...

511
00:30:23,530 --> 00:30:26,742
I mean, we'd be in the car,
driving past the drugstore

512
00:30:26,825 --> 00:30:29,369
and I'd be like:
"I'm gonna get Aspirin someday."

513
00:30:35,834 --> 00:30:37,544
My parents divorced when I was 13.

514
00:30:37,627 --> 00:30:40,088
I went through
sort of a bad girl phase, I was...

515
00:30:40,547 --> 00:30:42,090
on Aspirin.
One, two a day.

516
00:30:42,215 --> 00:30:43,258
I was like...

517
00:30:43,342 --> 00:30:44,843
[crowd laughs]

518
00:30:44,968 --> 00:30:46,094
I was on Aspirin a lot.

519
00:30:51,725 --> 00:30:54,311
My parents were obsessed
with celebrities

520
00:30:54,394 --> 00:30:56,188
and so, hi, here I am.

521
00:30:58,648 --> 00:31:02,611
Yeah, they really made it known that
celebrities wear something and...

522
00:31:02,694 --> 00:31:04,988
I remember, Charlton Heston
came to town

523
00:31:05,072 --> 00:31:08,450
and I was four years old
and everybody was crowding around

524
00:31:08,533 --> 00:31:10,827
trying to get a good look
at Charlton Heston.

525
00:31:10,911 --> 00:31:14,247
And my dad put me on his shoulders
to get a better look at him

526
00:31:14,331 --> 00:31:17,084
'cause you know
how four-year-olds love Charlton Heston.

527
00:31:22,047 --> 00:31:24,299
He was using me as bait, hoping
that Charlton would go:

528
00:31:24,383 --> 00:31:26,760
"Oh, cute little girl."
And come over, you know.

529
00:31:26,843 --> 00:31:30,180
'Cause people do that to me. If I'm out
somewhere and people have a baby

530
00:31:30,263 --> 00:31:31,848
They'll hold it out towards me

531
00:31:31,932 --> 00:31:34,559
like, for me to hold it and I'm like:
"This is cashmere, no."

532
00:31:35,102 --> 00:31:37,104
[crowd laughs]

533
00:31:38,397 --> 00:31:40,399
[claps]

534
00:31:49,449 --> 00:31:51,677
But you know, so then I grew up going:
"Oh, celebrities!"

535
00:31:51,701 --> 00:31:54,579
I guess, everybody's like that
but like, I mean, I was 16.

536
00:31:54,663 --> 00:31:57,290
I was younger than that I think
Michael Jackson was in New Orleans

537
00:31:57,374 --> 00:32:00,585
and I was so... I heard where he was,
that what street he was on

538
00:32:00,669 --> 00:32:02,754
and so, I chased, I didn't chase.

539
00:32:02,838 --> 00:32:06,258
I was walking, he was walking,
he started running, I had to catch up.

540
00:32:06,341 --> 00:32:07,217
And...

541
00:32:07,342 --> 00:32:09,344
[crowd laughs]

542
00:32:13,348 --> 00:32:15,100
So I was excited by celebrities.

543
00:32:15,183 --> 00:32:18,145
I was really like, you know,
and like I said...

544
00:32:18,228 --> 00:32:20,308
Do you wanna finish laughing?
I don't wanna stop you.

545
00:32:20,397 --> 00:32:22,399
[crowd laughs]

546
00:32:24,776 --> 00:32:25,776
Hm.

547
00:32:29,322 --> 00:32:32,325
But I really, you know,
as much as that was an imprint

548
00:32:32,409 --> 00:32:36,371
that celebrities were special
and, you know, I knew that

549
00:32:36,455 --> 00:32:38,135
I didn't think I was gonna be a celebrity.

550
00:32:38,165 --> 00:32:40,250
I didn't have a talent,
I didn't play an instrument

551
00:32:40,333 --> 00:32:43,253
I didn't sing, I wasn't in drama class,
I didn't act

552
00:32:43,336 --> 00:32:44,838
I wasn't a class clown

553
00:32:44,921 --> 00:32:47,257
I was just kind of a regular kid.

554
00:32:47,340 --> 00:32:50,594
And I didn't know what I was gonna do.
I graduated high school

555
00:32:50,677 --> 00:32:51,553
I'm still lost

556
00:32:51,636 --> 00:32:54,431
I just was doing anything
to pay rent and...

557
00:32:54,514 --> 00:32:56,892
I shucked oysters,
and I sold vacuum cleaners

558
00:32:57,017 --> 00:32:58,977
and I worked
for a landscaping company

559
00:32:59,060 --> 00:33:00,729
I was a waiter, which by the way

560
00:33:00,812 --> 00:33:03,565
I think everyone should wait tables
at least once in their life.

561
00:33:03,732 --> 00:33:05,734
[crowd cheers]

562
00:33:08,737 --> 00:33:09,737
Yep.

563
00:33:11,531 --> 00:33:14,201
That and coal mining
'cause that seems hard, too.

564
00:33:16,912 --> 00:33:19,789
But I didn't know what I was gonna do
and my life changed

565
00:33:19,873 --> 00:33:23,251
when I was 21 years old
and my girlfriend at the time

566
00:33:23,335 --> 00:33:24,753
was killed in a car accident

567
00:33:25,003 --> 00:33:27,631
And I passed the accident.,
it had just happened.

568
00:33:27,714 --> 00:33:30,175
I didn't know it was her
'cause she was in a different car.

569
00:33:30,258 --> 00:33:33,345
I almost stopped
but then sirens were right behind me

570
00:33:33,428 --> 00:33:36,598
and showing up so I kept going
and I found out later it was her.

571
00:33:36,723 --> 00:33:38,558
And... so...

572
00:33:38,642 --> 00:33:41,186
I had to move out of the...
place we were living

573
00:33:41,269 --> 00:33:43,109
'cause I couldn't afford
to live there anymore.

574
00:33:43,146 --> 00:33:45,690
I had no job, I had no car, no money.

575
00:33:45,774 --> 00:33:48,318
I moved into this
tiny basement apartment

576
00:33:48,401 --> 00:33:51,696
and you could hardly stand up in it.
It was two rooms and...

577
00:33:52,364 --> 00:33:53,949
I had a mattress on the floor

578
00:33:54,324 --> 00:33:57,118
and the entire basement
was infested with fleas.

579
00:33:57,202 --> 00:33:58,495
There were fleas everywhere.

580
00:33:59,246 --> 00:34:02,666
And I was laying there
and I just couldn't believe...

581
00:34:02,749 --> 00:34:05,502
It was the first person I ever lost
that I loved

582
00:34:05,585 --> 00:34:10,799
I was just... how is this possible?
This beautiful young girl is gone

583
00:34:10,882 --> 00:34:11,716
and fleas are here.

584
00:34:11,800 --> 00:34:13,093
I don't understand...

585
00:34:13,843 --> 00:34:17,681
what fleas do even.
I was so angry at fleas and I was like...

586
00:34:17,764 --> 00:34:21,226
And I just thought they must do something
because I do truly believe

587
00:34:21,309 --> 00:34:23,311
that everything in nature
works together.

588
00:34:23,395 --> 00:34:26,815
Even if we don't understand it,
it does something for something else.

589
00:34:26,898 --> 00:34:28,233
And I wanted to understand this.

590
00:34:28,316 --> 00:34:31,152
And I thought I would like to talk to God,
not just pray

591
00:34:31,236 --> 00:34:33,822
but I would love to be able to pick up
the phone and call up God

592
00:34:33,905 --> 00:34:35,991
and ask questions
and get the answers.

593
00:34:36,116 --> 00:34:39,077
'Cause I used to write all the time.
I journaled and I wrote poetry.

594
00:34:39,202 --> 00:34:43,456
So I started writing what it would be like
to have a phone call with God

595
00:34:43,540 --> 00:34:45,292
to find out why fleas are here.

596
00:34:45,375 --> 00:34:47,002
and it wasn't meant to be funny.

597
00:34:47,085 --> 00:34:49,087
I'd never done comedy before and...

598
00:34:49,170 --> 00:34:51,631
but I started thinking,
well, it would ring for a long time

599
00:34:51,756 --> 00:34:54,092
it's a big place and then

600
00:34:54,175 --> 00:34:56,803
he'd put me on hold
because he's a busy guy and...

601
00:34:57,512 --> 00:35:01,266
Onward Christian Soldiers would play
but it was live, not a tape and...

602
00:35:02,976 --> 00:35:05,854
I'm not gonna do the whole thing.
Go back and watch the special but...

603
00:35:06,980 --> 00:35:08,565
Anyway, I finished writing it.

604
00:35:08,648 --> 00:35:11,192
I literally wrote without stopping,
I finished writing it

605
00:35:11,276 --> 00:35:13,945
and I read it and I said to myself:

606
00:35:14,112 --> 00:35:15,864
"I'm gonna do this on Johnny Carson

607
00:35:15,947 --> 00:35:18,116
and I'll be the first woman
in the history of the show

608
00:35:18,199 --> 00:35:20,952
to be called over to sit down
to talk to Johnny Carson."

609
00:35:21,328 --> 00:35:22,162
And...

610
00:35:22,287 --> 00:35:24,289
[crowd cheers]

611
00:35:25,040 --> 00:35:27,042
[claps]

612
00:35:30,670 --> 00:35:35,508
I mean, I'm in a basement on a mattress
with fleas, never done comedy.

613
00:35:35,675 --> 00:35:38,928
I make that statement,
six years later, this happens.

614
00:35:40,138 --> 00:35:41,681
Thank you very much!

615
00:35:41,890 --> 00:35:43,892
[background song playing]

616
00:35:55,070 --> 00:35:57,489
- That's well done!
- Thank you.

617
00:35:57,614 --> 00:36:01,117
Yeah, that's very clever
and very fresh, and..

618
00:36:01,660 --> 00:36:03,620
Well, that's wonderful
hearing that from you.

619
00:36:03,703 --> 00:36:05,163
No, I mean it, it's good material.

620
00:36:05,246 --> 00:36:07,207
- Thank you.
- How long you've been doing it?

621
00:36:07,374 --> 00:36:09,376
[crowd cheers]

622
00:36:10,627 --> 00:36:12,629
[claps]

623
00:36:15,382 --> 00:36:17,133
That was before I got my new voice.

624
00:36:17,217 --> 00:36:19,260
That was my first voice I had and...

625
00:36:22,889 --> 00:36:25,392
Sinbad dressed me for that, by the way.
That was...

626
00:36:31,022 --> 00:36:32,941
I wish that was a joke, but it's not.

627
00:36:34,984 --> 00:36:35,984
He did.

628
00:36:37,153 --> 00:36:42,325
So, now, that particular look,
the mullet, the outfit, everything

629
00:36:42,742 --> 00:36:45,495
is on the internet forever
and ever and ever.

630
00:36:45,829 --> 00:36:47,288
That's the thing about the internet

631
00:36:47,372 --> 00:36:49,999
and social media has changed
all of our lives.

632
00:36:50,083 --> 00:36:53,670
I mean social media is... I think there's
good things about it obviously

633
00:36:53,753 --> 00:36:56,631
and we can reach a lot of people
and the world is more connected now

634
00:36:56,715 --> 00:36:57,549
but...

635
00:36:57,674 --> 00:37:00,051
we don't talk anymore,
our phones never...

636
00:37:00,135 --> 00:37:03,346
if our cell phone rings...
"Who's calling me, who would...?"

637
00:37:03,596 --> 00:37:07,100
You know, I found, Portia and I,
on a Sunday afternoon.

638
00:37:07,183 --> 00:37:09,561
I'm laying on the sofa,
I have my phone.

639
00:37:09,644 --> 00:37:11,688
She's laying on the other sofa,
she has her phone

640
00:37:11,771 --> 00:37:14,524
and we were in that Instagram vortex
that you get stuck in

641
00:37:14,607 --> 00:37:16,568
and you just find
all these different things

642
00:37:16,651 --> 00:37:19,821
but instead of finding something cute
and sharing it and going over there

643
00:37:19,904 --> 00:37:22,073
and saying... Like she's four feet
away from me.

644
00:37:22,157 --> 00:37:26,077
We are just silently, without talking,
sending things back and forth...

645
00:37:27,829 --> 00:37:29,414
Like, I'd send her this.

646
00:37:29,539 --> 00:37:30,539
[message sent noise]

647
00:37:30,582 --> 00:37:32,584
[crowd laughs]

648
00:37:36,796 --> 00:37:38,131
And she'd send me this.

649
00:37:38,381 --> 00:37:39,591
[message received noise]

650
00:37:39,716 --> 00:37:41,384
[crowd laughs]

651
00:37:41,551 --> 00:37:42,677
I'd send her this.

652
00:37:42,927 --> 00:37:44,846
[message sent noise]
[crowd laughs]

653
00:37:45,680 --> 00:37:46,890
She sent me this.

654
00:37:47,140 --> 00:37:49,142
[message received noise]
[crowd laughs]

655
00:37:49,392 --> 00:37:50,435
I send her this.

656
00:37:50,685 --> 00:37:52,687
[message sent noise]
[crowd laughs]

657
00:37:53,271 --> 00:37:54,355
She sends me this.

658
00:37:54,773 --> 00:37:56,775
[background song in the video]

659
00:38:07,952 --> 00:38:09,412
And then I sent her this.

660
00:38:10,955 --> 00:38:12,957
[rap song playing]

661
00:38:17,545 --> 00:38:18,671
Yeah, yeah

662
00:38:18,838 --> 00:38:22,008
♪ Ay, I remember syrup sandwiches
and crime allowances ♪

663
00:38:22,091 --> 00:38:24,177
♪ Finesse and nanno with some
counterfeits ♪

664
00:38:24,260 --> 00:38:25,595
♪ But now I'm countin' this ♪

665
00:38:25,678 --> 00:38:27,555
♪ Parmesan where my accountant lives ♪

666
00:38:27,639 --> 00:38:29,140
♪ In fact, I'm downin' this ♪

667
00:38:29,224 --> 00:38:31,226
♪ D'USSÉ with my boo bae,
tastes like... ♪

668
00:38:31,392 --> 00:38:32,392
Yeah.

669
00:38:32,435 --> 00:38:34,437
[crowd claps]

670
00:38:39,567 --> 00:38:42,278
If you look up:
"Birds that dance to music."

671
00:38:42,362 --> 00:38:43,882
You'll see, there are so many of them.

672
00:38:43,947 --> 00:38:47,909
Birds... it turns out, love music.
And you can see they have rhythm.

673
00:38:47,992 --> 00:38:51,454
They are on the beat and I was like:
"Oh my God, that's crazy."

674
00:38:51,538 --> 00:38:54,458
And then I started really thinking
about it, 'cause I love animals so much

675
00:38:54,541 --> 00:38:57,669
and I thought: "I don't know how I feel."
Because when people get birds as pets

676
00:38:57,752 --> 00:38:59,512
they clip their wings,
they put them in cages

677
00:38:59,587 --> 00:39:01,089
they don't get to fly anymore

678
00:39:01,381 --> 00:39:04,634
but these birds get to dance
and they know music and they're...

679
00:39:04,717 --> 00:39:07,345
listening to music
that they'd never otherwise hear

680
00:39:07,512 --> 00:39:09,514
if they were in the jungle, you know.

681
00:39:10,849 --> 00:39:13,643
Because the birds in the jungle
have never heard Kendrick Lamar.

682
00:39:13,726 --> 00:39:15,061
They don't know who he is.

683
00:39:15,854 --> 00:39:18,022
They're flying
and they think they've got it all

684
00:39:18,106 --> 00:39:18,940
but they don't.

685
00:39:19,023 --> 00:39:21,734
They're missing out on music
that they could be flying

686
00:39:21,818 --> 00:39:23,820
and then getting down on the...
you know.

687
00:39:25,613 --> 00:39:27,866
I'm torn, I don't know how I feel.

688
00:39:28,116 --> 00:39:30,118
[crowd laughs]

689
00:39:31,452 --> 00:39:34,247
Because I feel like animals should be
in their natural environment.

690
00:39:34,330 --> 00:39:35,748
That's what they should be doing.

691
00:39:35,832 --> 00:39:37,672
They should be
wherever they're supposed to be.

692
00:39:37,750 --> 00:39:40,670
I have an issue
with all the emotional support animals

693
00:39:40,753 --> 00:39:42,088
that people are flying with now.

694
00:39:42,630 --> 00:39:44,090
It's just gotten out of hand.

695
00:39:44,173 --> 00:39:47,093
There was a woman trying to get
on the plane with a peacock the other day.

696
00:39:47,552 --> 00:39:50,889
They didn't let her on, thank God,
but I mean, not that she doesn't need it.

697
00:39:50,972 --> 00:39:52,140
Clearly, she's crazy.

698
00:39:52,307 --> 00:39:53,141
You know...

699
00:39:53,266 --> 00:39:55,268
[crowd laughs]

700
00:40:00,607 --> 00:40:04,402
I don't know what the requirements are
to get an emotional support animal

701
00:40:04,485 --> 00:40:06,571
but I don't think
they are too tough to...

702
00:40:07,030 --> 00:40:09,532
It's the same doctor
that prescribes medical marijuana.

703
00:40:09,616 --> 00:40:11,284
I'm pretty sure that, you know...

704
00:40:12,535 --> 00:40:14,996
- "Doctor, sometimes I worry...
- I've heard enough.

705
00:40:21,044 --> 00:40:23,171
I'm gonna prescribe you pot and a pet."

706
00:40:23,838 --> 00:40:25,840
[crowd laughs]

707
00:40:33,222 --> 00:40:34,974
Now when you fly, it's like...

708
00:40:35,141 --> 00:40:38,353
I mean you're walking down the aisle
to your seat, which is you know

709
00:40:38,436 --> 00:40:39,854
10B or whatever it is

710
00:40:39,938 --> 00:40:42,023
It's like Noah's Ark.
There's a woman with a ferret

711
00:40:42,106 --> 00:40:45,109
there's a man with a mongoose,
there's a lady with a donkey.

712
00:40:48,196 --> 00:40:50,198
I say 10B,
does a plane go back that far?

713
00:40:50,281 --> 00:40:51,658
I've never been back there.

714
00:40:51,741 --> 00:40:53,743
[crowd claps]

715
00:40:54,243 --> 00:40:55,328
Are there ten rows?

716
00:40:56,537 --> 00:40:58,039
Are there ten...
I just guessed.

717
00:40:59,749 --> 00:41:01,501
I don't know, I just guessed.

718
00:41:12,845 --> 00:41:13,845
People...

719
00:41:16,933 --> 00:41:19,227
People used to take Xanax
when they were stressed out.

720
00:41:19,310 --> 00:41:21,729
Now, they're carrying animals
around with them...

721
00:41:23,189 --> 00:41:24,065
I...

722
00:41:24,148 --> 00:41:25,775
There are so many pills.

723
00:41:25,900 --> 00:41:28,319
If you look at the commercials
that are on the air, most...

724
00:41:28,403 --> 00:41:31,572
every commercial is for some type
of medicine, some kind of pill

725
00:41:31,656 --> 00:41:33,256
and I don't know if you've noticed it...

726
00:41:33,282 --> 00:41:36,619
the medicine commercials...
The side effects are so long...

727
00:41:37,328 --> 00:41:39,956
that the people on the commercial
are running out of activities.

728
00:41:40,039 --> 00:41:41,039
They don't even...

729
00:41:43,584 --> 00:41:46,379
They've done some gardening,
they've gone on a picnic

730
00:41:46,671 --> 00:41:49,716
they're on the lake in a boat,
they've gone to get ice cream.

731
00:41:49,799 --> 00:41:53,052
They've gotten a pottery class,
they've played frisbee with a dog.

732
00:41:54,387 --> 00:41:56,139
They're still listing the side effects.

733
00:41:56,723 --> 00:41:59,183
"Whooping cough, back hair, crying..."
And it's just...

734
00:42:00,810 --> 00:42:02,090
They should say anything at all:

735
00:42:02,145 --> 00:42:03,825
"Side effects could be,
think of something.

736
00:42:03,896 --> 00:42:05,398
Yep, you could get that for sure.

737
00:42:05,606 --> 00:42:07,108
You might not but you might."

738
00:42:10,528 --> 00:42:13,781
And then at the end it says: "Ask your
doctor if Trulicity is right for you."

739
00:42:13,865 --> 00:42:15,926
It's like: "I don't even know
what's wrong with them.

740
00:42:15,950 --> 00:42:18,619
They seemed fine, like,
I don't know what it is.

741
00:42:19,412 --> 00:42:21,247
Maybe it's right for...
I've gardened.

742
00:42:21,330 --> 00:42:22,874
I don't know if I should get it."

743
00:42:25,835 --> 00:42:27,795
"Ask your doctor
if Trulicity is right for you."

744
00:42:27,879 --> 00:42:28,921
Why is that my job?

745
00:42:29,255 --> 00:42:30,255
Like...

746
00:42:30,840 --> 00:42:33,801
You're at the doctor's office:
"Ellen, you seem pretty sick.

747
00:42:34,427 --> 00:42:37,555
Got your eye on any good medication
you want to tell me about?

748
00:42:37,722 --> 00:42:39,724
[crowd laughs]

749
00:42:44,854 --> 00:42:46,147
Trulicity? I...

750
00:42:50,151 --> 00:42:51,611
That could be right for you."

751
00:42:59,827 --> 00:43:02,163
And now,
I saw an advertisement for a pill

752
00:43:02,246 --> 00:43:05,083
that stops headaches and migraines
before they start.

753
00:43:06,292 --> 00:43:08,711
That's some good marketing
right there, isn't it?

754
00:43:10,213 --> 00:43:12,298
- "Are you in any pain?
- No, not at all.

755
00:43:12,632 --> 00:43:14,217
I'm gonna give you something for that.

756
00:43:15,760 --> 00:43:16,594
But...

757
00:43:16,761 --> 00:43:18,763
[crowd claps]

758
00:43:23,893 --> 00:43:26,604
- But I'm not in any pain...
- And you won't be."

759
00:43:33,694 --> 00:43:36,322
I think that's why I don't wanna have to
take any of these things

760
00:43:36,405 --> 00:43:38,241
I see advertised on...
I just...

761
00:43:38,324 --> 00:43:40,243
I wanna eat right,
I wanna take care of myself,

762
00:43:40,326 --> 00:43:41,577
I wanna work out.

763
00:43:41,661 --> 00:43:42,703
I used to work out a lot.

764
00:43:42,787 --> 00:43:46,249
I was working out like six days a week
and then I had a sports injury.

765
00:43:46,332 --> 00:43:47,834
I pulled a muscle...

766
00:43:47,917 --> 00:43:50,169
putting on a sports bra and...

767
00:43:53,131 --> 00:43:55,675
Those are too tight,
they are too tight. They are.

768
00:43:57,385 --> 00:43:58,385
Yeah.

769
00:43:58,636 --> 00:44:00,638
[claps]

770
00:44:01,013 --> 00:44:04,392
And then when you're sweaty,
trying to take them off... It's like...

771
00:44:05,852 --> 00:44:08,479
I've never taken one off.
I have 15 on right now.

772
00:44:08,604 --> 00:44:10,606
[crowd laughs]

773
00:44:14,569 --> 00:44:18,114
First one is from 1984 jazzercise
class I took. That's...

774
00:44:23,411 --> 00:44:27,415
I do have an injury that's...
kind of a problem for working out now.

775
00:44:27,582 --> 00:44:30,459
So I was having pain
in my third and fourth toe.

776
00:44:30,543 --> 00:44:33,087
If you don't know, one had roast beef
and the other had none.

777
00:44:33,421 --> 00:44:35,423
[crowd laughs]

778
00:44:38,426 --> 00:44:39,426
But...

779
00:44:40,136 --> 00:44:41,136
So...

780
00:44:42,138 --> 00:44:45,683
I've had this pain
and I went to go see a podiatrist

781
00:44:45,766 --> 00:44:48,394
and so he looks at my pods
and he said that...

782
00:44:49,270 --> 00:44:52,440
He said: "You have a neuroma."
And I said: "You have a neuroma."

783
00:44:54,942 --> 00:44:56,027
I said that to him.

784
00:44:56,235 --> 00:44:57,235
Hum.

785
00:44:59,572 --> 00:45:00,572
But...

786
00:45:00,990 --> 00:45:03,051
I said: "What do I do about that?"
He said: "Nothing.

787
00:45:03,075 --> 00:45:05,494
You can't do anything about it,
it's a inflamed nerve

788
00:45:05,578 --> 00:45:07,205
from wearing
the wrong kind of shoes."

789
00:45:07,288 --> 00:45:09,768
He said: "Do you wear like soft-soled
shoes, like tennis shoes?

790
00:45:09,832 --> 00:45:12,394
I said: "Yes, that's what I wear."
He goes: "That's the wrong kind

791
00:45:12,418 --> 00:45:14,338
of shoe for you.
The best shoe for you to wear...

792
00:45:14,420 --> 00:45:15,504
is a cowboy boot.

793
00:45:15,922 --> 00:45:17,924
[crowd laughs]

794
00:45:24,805 --> 00:45:25,805
Goodbye."

795
00:45:26,140 --> 00:45:28,142
[claps]

796
00:45:34,148 --> 00:45:36,859
So I had to go buy new shoes
with harder soles

797
00:45:36,943 --> 00:45:40,154
and when I was trying on shoes,
I realized, when we try on shoes

798
00:45:40,238 --> 00:45:41,906
we do things
we're never gonna do in them.

799
00:45:41,989 --> 00:45:42,989
We stand up.

800
00:45:44,617 --> 00:45:45,617
"These are good.

801
00:45:50,456 --> 00:45:51,456
These are good.

802
00:45:51,832 --> 00:45:53,834
[crowd laughs]

803
00:45:54,835 --> 00:45:56,837
[claps]

804
00:45:57,713 --> 00:45:59,757
If I have to do that, that's good.

805
00:46:01,676 --> 00:46:03,594
These are good, I like these.

806
00:46:09,225 --> 00:46:11,811
That's good. If I have to do that,
that'll be good.

807
00:46:15,815 --> 00:46:17,692
These are good if I have to do this.

808
00:46:26,450 --> 00:46:28,661
Yep, I like these, I'm gonna get these.

809
00:46:29,745 --> 00:46:30,745
Yep."

810
00:46:31,872 --> 00:46:33,874
[claps]

811
00:46:38,713 --> 00:46:39,880
When we try on shoes

812
00:46:39,964 --> 00:46:42,133
there's a little tiny mirror
on the ground.

813
00:46:43,217 --> 00:46:45,803
For the shoes to see themselves,
'cause you can't.

814
00:46:48,180 --> 00:46:50,308
"What do you guys think,
do you like them?

815
00:46:50,433 --> 00:46:52,435
[crowd laughs]

816
00:46:53,185 --> 00:46:54,185
I can't see.

817
00:46:56,230 --> 00:46:57,230
Do you want them?"

818
00:46:57,565 --> 00:46:59,567
[crowd laughs]

819
00:47:07,033 --> 00:47:10,661
Shoe salesmen are like no other salesmen
for any other thing you buy.

820
00:47:10,745 --> 00:47:13,664
You say: "I'd like to try those
on a size six."

821
00:47:13,748 --> 00:47:14,999
They come out with boxes.

822
00:47:15,082 --> 00:47:17,293
"We didn't have a six
but we had a nine and a half."

823
00:47:17,835 --> 00:47:18,669
And...

824
00:47:18,794 --> 00:47:20,796
[crowd laughs and claps]

825
00:47:28,512 --> 00:47:32,600
We try on everything that we're gonna put
on our body except for socks, I realize.

826
00:47:32,725 --> 00:47:33,851
We don't try socks on

827
00:47:33,934 --> 00:47:35,936
because we trust...
Because the size is so...

828
00:47:36,020 --> 00:47:38,272
It's like size three through 11.
It really...

829
00:47:38,814 --> 00:47:39,814
It's like...

830
00:47:40,024 --> 00:47:41,024
It's gonna fit.

831
00:47:41,108 --> 00:47:44,320
It's like your childhood, through your
adulthood, you wear those things.

832
00:47:47,031 --> 00:47:48,616
But they are so, the thing is

833
00:47:48,699 --> 00:47:51,702
if you have a sock that you like,
everybody has their favorite socks

834
00:47:51,786 --> 00:47:54,789
and you will wear those socks
as long as you possibly can.

835
00:47:54,872 --> 00:47:57,153
You'll wear them
until there's a little tiny hole starting

836
00:47:57,208 --> 00:47:59,210
and you're like: "That's not that bad."
That's...

837
00:47:59,460 --> 00:48:02,046
a simple little hole
that you can just...

838
00:48:02,129 --> 00:48:06,467
Your heel can be poking through,
it's like a halter top for your foot.

839
00:48:06,592 --> 00:48:07,592
It's like...

840
00:48:09,011 --> 00:48:11,323
Little holes everywhere, you think:
"Who's gonna to see it?

841
00:48:11,347 --> 00:48:13,617
I'm just gonna keep shoes on,
they're not gonna see that."

842
00:48:13,641 --> 00:48:16,560
Then you go to somebody's house
and they have a shoes-off policy.

843
00:48:16,727 --> 00:48:18,729
[crowd laughs]

844
00:48:20,898 --> 00:48:22,566
I gotta get the fuck out of here.

845
00:48:22,817 --> 00:48:24,819
[crowd claps]

846
00:48:26,320 --> 00:48:28,322
[crowd cheers]

847
00:48:45,214 --> 00:48:46,215
We keep things

848
00:48:46,298 --> 00:48:49,051
we all keep things that are, you know,
I don't like to waste things.

849
00:48:49,135 --> 00:48:51,387
I don't like to...
waste food.

850
00:48:51,470 --> 00:48:52,888
I don't think that's a good thing.

851
00:48:52,972 --> 00:48:55,307
So I try to keep everything
and use everything

852
00:48:55,391 --> 00:48:57,560
except for when ketchup gets
down to that...

853
00:48:57,643 --> 00:48:59,871
part where it starts making that noise,
I'll throw it out

854
00:48:59,895 --> 00:49:03,441
because there's no need in keeping it
when it makes that noise.

855
00:49:03,524 --> 00:49:04,524
That's...

856
00:49:06,777 --> 00:49:07,945
But, like toothpaste

857
00:49:08,028 --> 00:49:12,283
I will use every single bit of toothpaste
in that tube.

858
00:49:12,366 --> 00:49:13,742
I will, yeah.

859
00:49:14,285 --> 00:49:15,285
Oh, yeah.

860
00:49:16,537 --> 00:49:18,706
And it's not about the money.
You know that.

861
00:49:18,831 --> 00:49:19,665
I mean...

862
00:49:19,748 --> 00:49:21,750
[crowd laughs]

863
00:49:22,460 --> 00:49:23,502
It's about winning.

864
00:49:24,044 --> 00:49:26,046
[crowd laughs]

865
00:49:26,797 --> 00:49:29,717
When I roll it, I make sure
there's nothing in there, in the pockets.

866
00:49:29,800 --> 00:49:31,010
I roll it real tight.

867
00:49:31,760 --> 00:49:35,389
I'll take my black American Express card
and I'll just squeeze it.

868
00:49:36,182 --> 00:49:37,183
Flatten it out.

869
00:49:37,266 --> 00:49:39,268
[crowd claps]

870
00:49:43,147 --> 00:49:46,108
If I have a gold bar laying around
I'll take the gold bar.

871
00:49:55,409 --> 00:49:56,911
Yeah, we all have our little quirks.

872
00:49:56,994 --> 00:50:00,331
We all have our things that we do,
that kind of doesn't make sense.

873
00:50:00,414 --> 00:50:04,502
But I think that one thing that we all do,
that I've noticed that is...

874
00:50:04,835 --> 00:50:06,962
We all have our song, right.
We have the song like:

875
00:50:07,046 --> 00:50:08,464
"Oh my God, that's my song."

876
00:50:08,547 --> 00:50:11,300
And if we're at a club
and that song comes on

877
00:50:11,383 --> 00:50:16,305
you wanna dance but you will not dance
until you hit the designated dance floor.

878
00:50:17,640 --> 00:50:21,435
That's what I've noticed. Only when you
hit the dance floor, will you dance.

879
00:50:23,521 --> 00:50:25,523
[crowd cheers]

880
00:50:27,900 --> 00:50:29,902
[song playing]

881
00:50:37,284 --> 00:50:39,513
♪ Got birds and I'm runnin', yeah,
bout a hundred, yeah ♪

882
00:50:39,537 --> 00:50:41,914
♪ Girl, you looks good,
won't you back that ass up ♪

883
00:50:41,997 --> 00:50:44,667
♪ You'se a fine motherfucker,
won't you back that ass up ♪

884
00:50:44,750 --> 00:50:47,086
♪ Call me Big Daddy
when you back that ass up ♪

885
00:50:47,169 --> 00:50:49,547
♪ Hoe, who is you playin wit?
Back that ass up ♪

886
00:50:49,630 --> 00:50:52,132
♪ Girl, you looks good,
won't you back that ass up ♪

887
00:50:52,258 --> 00:50:54,718
♪ You'se a fine motherfucker,
won't you back that ass up ♪

888
00:50:54,802 --> 00:50:57,096
♪ Call me Big Daddy
when you back that ass up ♪

889
00:50:57,263 --> 00:50:59,640
♪ Hoe, who is you playin wit?
Back that ass up ♪

890
00:50:59,765 --> 00:51:02,184
♪ Girl, you look good,
won't you back that ass up ♪

891
00:51:02,268 --> 00:51:04,770
♪ You'se a fine motherfucker,
won't you back that ass up ♪

892
00:51:04,853 --> 00:51:06,939
♪ You got a stupid ass, yeah,
make me laugh, yeah ♪

893
00:51:07,022 --> 00:51:09,400
♪ Make a nigga want to grab that,
autograph that ♪

894
00:51:09,483 --> 00:51:11,777
♪ I'm sweatin' in the drawers, yeah,
hard and long, yeah ♪

895
00:51:12,027 --> 00:51:14,029
[crowd cheers]

896
00:51:14,446 --> 00:51:16,448
[claps]

897
00:51:22,329 --> 00:51:26,125
But if that's your song when you're 30,
it's still your song when you're 85.

898
00:51:26,208 --> 00:51:28,210
[crowd laughs]

899
00:51:29,336 --> 00:51:31,296
♪...with the money, yeah,
don't act funny, yeah ♪

900
00:51:31,338 --> 00:51:34,091
♪ Got birds and I'm runnin', yeah,
bout a hundred, yeah ♪

901
00:51:34,216 --> 00:51:36,677
♪ Girl, you looks good,
won't you back that ass up ♪

902
00:51:36,802 --> 00:51:39,221
♪ You'se a fine motherfucker,
won't you back that ass up ♪

903
00:51:39,305 --> 00:51:41,599
♪ Call me Big Daddy
when you back that ass up ♪

904
00:51:41,682 --> 00:51:44,018
♪ Hoe, who is you playin wit?
Back that ass up ♪

905
00:51:44,143 --> 00:51:46,520
♪ Girl, you looks good,
won't you back that ass up ♪

906
00:51:46,645 --> 00:51:49,315
♪ You'se a fine motherfucker,
won't you back that ass up ♪

907
00:51:49,398 --> 00:51:51,525
♪ Call me Big Daddy
when you back that ass up ♪

908
00:51:51,692 --> 00:51:54,236
♪ Girl, who is you playin wit?
Back that ass up ♪

909
00:51:54,361 --> 00:51:56,739
♪ Girl, you looks good,
won't you back that ass up ♪

910
00:51:56,822 --> 00:51:59,103
♪ You'se a fine motherfucker,
won't you back that ass up ♪

911
00:51:59,158 --> 00:52:01,535
♪ You got a stupid ass, yeah,
make me laugh, yeah ♪

912
00:52:01,660 --> 00:52:03,954
♪ Make a nigga want to grab that,
autograph that ♪

913
00:52:04,038 --> 00:52:06,832
♪ I'm sweatin' in the drawers, yeah,
hard and long, yeah ♪

914
00:52:07,082 --> 00:52:08,834
♪ Want to walk it like a dog, yeah... ♪

915
00:52:09,460 --> 00:52:11,045
♪ At the starting of the week ♪

916
00:52:11,128 --> 00:52:13,130
♪ At summit talks you'll hear them speak ♪

917
00:52:13,255 --> 00:52:15,507
♪ It's only Monday ♪

918
00:52:17,676 --> 00:52:19,553
♪ Negotiations breaking down ♪

919
00:52:19,637 --> 00:52:21,930
♪ See those leaders start to frown ♪

920
00:52:22,056 --> 00:52:24,058
♪ It's sword and gun day... ♪

921
00:52:24,600 --> 00:52:26,602
[crowd cheers]

922
00:52:27,019 --> 00:52:29,021
[claps]

923
00:52:33,734 --> 00:52:36,779
I am 60 years old
and I'm dancing to "Back That Ass Up".

924
00:52:37,613 --> 00:52:39,615
[crowd claps]

925
00:52:45,954 --> 00:52:47,498
Yes, I turned 60 this year.

926
00:52:47,581 --> 00:52:49,708
I turned 60 in January and...

927
00:52:49,958 --> 00:52:51,960
[crowd claps]

928
00:52:54,129 --> 00:52:56,090
So, for my birthday this year

929
00:52:56,173 --> 00:52:59,301
my wife, Portia, gave me
the most amazing gift.

930
00:52:59,426 --> 00:53:01,679
She established
The Ellen DeGeneres Wildlife Fund

931
00:53:01,762 --> 00:53:03,263
to save the mountain gorillas.

932
00:53:04,598 --> 00:53:06,850
In Rwanda, so...

933
00:53:09,645 --> 00:53:13,023
So we went to Rwanda
for my birthday this summer

934
00:53:13,107 --> 00:53:15,484
to go see the mountain gorillas
and see the the site

935
00:53:15,567 --> 00:53:19,488
where we're building my campus,
and it was unbelievable.

936
00:53:19,571 --> 00:53:21,573
It was really, really special.

937
00:53:22,199 --> 00:53:24,118
But you know,
to find the mountain gorillas

938
00:53:24,201 --> 00:53:28,455
they live in the mountains and they are
in the jungle in the mountains.

939
00:53:29,039 --> 00:53:32,251
And... it's a jungle out there.
I'll tell you that. It's...

940
00:53:32,751 --> 00:53:35,129
And it was raining for a long time
before we got there

941
00:53:35,212 --> 00:53:37,756
like a month before we got there
and so it was really muddy

942
00:53:37,840 --> 00:53:42,094
and there's like stinging thistles
and all kinds of brush everywhere

943
00:53:42,177 --> 00:53:45,139
that you've got somebody
hacking away with a machete

944
00:53:45,222 --> 00:53:46,515
and you're trying to get through

945
00:53:46,598 --> 00:53:50,227
and sometimes you had to crawl
this far under, we're sinking in the mud

946
00:53:50,310 --> 00:53:52,312
like, to our knees and...

947
00:53:52,396 --> 00:53:55,899
three hours up the mountain at some point,
I was like...

948
00:53:57,317 --> 00:53:59,737
♪ Happy birthday... ♪

949
00:53:59,820 --> 00:54:01,155
[crowd laughs]

950
00:54:01,280 --> 00:54:02,531
♪ to me ♪

951
00:54:04,074 --> 00:54:06,326
♪ Happy birthday... ♪

952
00:54:07,119 --> 00:54:08,162
♪ to me. ♪

953
00:54:08,746 --> 00:54:09,621
[gasps]

954
00:54:09,705 --> 00:54:11,874
♪ Happy birthday... ♪

955
00:54:13,584 --> 00:54:15,169
♪ dear Ellen ♪

956
00:54:16,253 --> 00:54:18,714
Oh my God, it was so hard but...

957
00:54:18,797 --> 00:54:20,966
It is so worth it
'cause when you get there

958
00:54:21,049 --> 00:54:23,469
and you see this thing
five feet away from you...

959
00:54:24,178 --> 00:54:26,513
So majestic, so beautiful.

960
00:54:27,222 --> 00:54:29,224
[claps]

961
00:54:32,644 --> 00:54:36,023
Portia and I took a picture
and this guy photobombed us back there.

962
00:54:38,776 --> 00:54:41,111
But yet, so you can see like her hair
is soaking wet

963
00:54:41,195 --> 00:54:43,071
she's got mud on her face
and we're...

964
00:54:43,155 --> 00:54:45,824
So we get down to the bottom
and we take a picture with our group

965
00:54:45,908 --> 00:54:47,993
that we went with,
and you can see the mud where...

966
00:54:48,076 --> 00:54:50,704
we had all fallen
and sank into the mud.

967
00:54:50,788 --> 00:54:53,791
If you wanna see how happy I am,
if you'll zoom in on my fist there...

968
00:54:54,500 --> 00:54:56,502
[crowd laughs]

969
00:54:57,127 --> 00:54:58,127
Yeah.

970
00:55:01,632 --> 00:55:02,632
That's...

971
00:55:03,884 --> 00:55:06,094
That's my "Happy Birthday" fist
right there.

972
00:55:08,430 --> 00:55:09,430
Yeah.

973
00:55:14,853 --> 00:55:16,980
The thing is, I didn't pack correctly.

974
00:55:17,064 --> 00:55:20,067
That's what was wrong
because I packed to go on Safari

975
00:55:20,150 --> 00:55:21,401
and I looked good.

976
00:55:21,485 --> 00:55:24,696
I went on safari and I looked
like I should have been on safari.

977
00:55:24,780 --> 00:55:27,300
I didn't have waterproof clothes,
I didn't have waterproof shoes

978
00:55:27,366 --> 00:55:28,606
I didn't have the right things.

979
00:55:28,659 --> 00:55:30,619
But I find, when we go on vacation

980
00:55:30,786 --> 00:55:34,289
we pack for who we want to be,
we pack for this...

981
00:55:34,373 --> 00:55:38,085
fantasy personality that we're gonna have
when we go away.

982
00:55:38,961 --> 00:55:42,923
When we're on an island, they don't know
we don't wear white linen all the time.

983
00:55:43,966 --> 00:55:45,509
Beads in a big floppy hat.

984
00:55:45,592 --> 00:55:47,094
That's who we are, you know.

985
00:55:48,428 --> 00:55:51,390
We just, we're like:
"Well, for sure I'm gonna work out

986
00:55:51,473 --> 00:55:53,851
'cause there's a gym in the hotel,
so I'm gonna bring my...

987
00:55:53,976 --> 00:55:57,312
running shoes, I'll run on the beach
every day. And then I'll do...

988
00:55:57,437 --> 00:55:59,189
yoga on the pier.

989
00:55:59,273 --> 00:56:01,316
I've seen that in the brochure, and...

990
00:56:02,985 --> 00:56:05,904
I'll bring a poncho in case
there's a bonfire on the beach.

991
00:56:05,988 --> 00:56:07,781
I'll wanna have a poncho on.

992
00:56:08,615 --> 00:56:11,410
I'll bring a gown in case
there's a captain from a boat

993
00:56:11,493 --> 00:56:13,120
that I have to have dinner with.

994
00:56:13,203 --> 00:56:15,205
[crowd laughs]

995
00:56:16,957 --> 00:56:19,084
I'll bring some books,
I'll read for sure.

996
00:56:19,167 --> 00:56:20,167
I'm gonna read.

997
00:56:21,295 --> 00:56:24,464
I don't read at home, but I'm gonna
read there, I'll have a lot of time.

998
00:56:24,840 --> 00:56:27,634
I'm there three days,
I'll bring six books and...

999
00:56:29,052 --> 00:56:30,052
Yeah.

1000
00:56:31,430 --> 00:56:35,017
Cut to you, sitting at a bar, drunk,
in the same outfit the entire time.

1001
00:56:35,183 --> 00:56:37,185
[crowd laughs]

1002
00:56:38,687 --> 00:56:40,689
[claps]

1003
00:56:47,946 --> 00:56:51,450
I love that we imagine that we're gonna
curl up and read a good book.

1004
00:56:51,533 --> 00:56:52,534
I love that expression.

1005
00:56:52,618 --> 00:56:54,828
I'm gonna go curl up
and read a good book like...

1006
00:56:54,912 --> 00:56:57,581
You don't curl up for a magazine,
you don't curl up for...

1007
00:56:57,664 --> 00:56:58,916
Although, when I read the paper

1008
00:56:58,999 --> 00:57:01,335
I curl up in the fetal position
now, that's...

1009
00:57:02,085 --> 00:57:03,420
That's for sure.

1010
00:57:03,503 --> 00:57:05,505
[crowd claps]

1011
00:57:09,927 --> 00:57:13,472
But I do love these expressions.
"Curl up and read a good book" or

1012
00:57:13,555 --> 00:57:15,766
you know, "a bird in the hand
is worth two in the bush".

1013
00:57:15,849 --> 00:57:17,684
Did someone have a bird in the hand

1014
00:57:17,768 --> 00:57:19,728
and said:
"There's two in the bush.

1015
00:57:19,811 --> 00:57:21,772
Yeah, but I got one in the hand so...

1016
00:57:22,981 --> 00:57:25,418
- But there's two in the bush.
- Yes, but I got one in the hand

1017
00:57:25,442 --> 00:57:27,110
and that's worth two in the bush.

1018
00:57:27,527 --> 00:57:29,071
- It is?
- Yes

1019
00:57:29,154 --> 00:57:31,281
one in the hand is worth two in the bush."

1020
00:57:34,034 --> 00:57:35,702
Why do you call it the hand?

1021
00:57:35,786 --> 00:57:36,786
It's your hand.

1022
00:57:36,828 --> 00:57:38,205
Why do you say "the hand"?

1023
00:57:38,455 --> 00:57:40,457
[crowd laughs]

1024
00:57:43,377 --> 00:57:44,211
"For Pete's sake!"

1025
00:57:44,294 --> 00:57:46,838
Who is Pete, and why are we doing
everything for his sake?

1026
00:57:46,964 --> 00:57:48,924
[crowd laughs]

1027
00:57:50,258 --> 00:57:51,258
"Fit as a fiddle."

1028
00:57:51,301 --> 00:57:53,303
Is that a good shape? I don't know.

1029
00:57:53,470 --> 00:57:55,472
[crowd claps]

1030
00:58:01,061 --> 00:58:04,022
My favorite expression is,
"best thing since sliced bread."

1031
00:58:05,065 --> 00:58:07,359
Really, Is that the benchmark
right there? That's...

1032
00:58:07,567 --> 00:58:09,569
[crowd laughs]

1033
00:58:12,114 --> 00:58:14,032
Sliced bread really came about...

1034
00:58:14,116 --> 00:58:17,369
In 1928 somebody decided
to slice it, in 1928.

1035
00:58:17,452 --> 00:58:20,205
That's not that long ago.
Bread has been around forever.

1036
00:58:20,288 --> 00:58:23,000
Jesus broke bread.
He didn't even know how to slice it.

1037
00:58:23,250 --> 00:58:25,252
[crowd laughs]

1038
00:58:30,882 --> 00:58:33,260
I mean all throughout history,
no one sliced it?

1039
00:58:33,343 --> 00:58:36,138
Like, soldiers with swords,
they're putting their swords down

1040
00:58:36,221 --> 00:58:38,598
so they could grab bread
and gnaw on it, like...

1041
00:58:41,143 --> 00:58:42,853
They probably "took a stab at it"

1042
00:58:42,936 --> 00:58:45,522
which is where that expression came from.
They stabbed at it...

1043
00:58:45,605 --> 00:58:46,648
with their sword.

1044
00:58:46,773 --> 00:58:48,316
Nothing happened, so they just...

1045
00:58:54,656 --> 00:58:58,285
And then finally, in 1928, some gay guy,
you know he was gay, for sure.

1046
00:58:58,368 --> 00:58:59,202
I mean...

1047
00:58:59,369 --> 00:59:00,495
[crowd laughs]

1048
00:59:01,079 --> 00:59:03,290
"I refuse to be a barbarian anymore.

1049
00:59:05,083 --> 00:59:06,251
I'm slicing it.

1050
00:59:09,212 --> 00:59:10,212
Heathens."

1051
00:59:13,717 --> 00:59:15,427
He was popular, too.
I mean, the fact

1052
00:59:15,510 --> 00:59:18,305
that he has that, you know,
title of sliced bread...

1053
00:59:18,388 --> 00:59:20,108
Like he was probably at a party
in the '20s.

1054
00:59:20,182 --> 00:59:22,601
Can you imagine
that Thomas Edison is there

1055
00:59:22,684 --> 00:59:25,270
and the Wright brothers and...

1056
00:59:25,353 --> 00:59:28,607
"Is the guy who sliced the bread here?
I heard he was coming to the party.

1057
00:59:29,316 --> 00:59:30,316
Is he here?"

1058
00:59:34,613 --> 00:59:36,490
I mean, it should be
like best thing since...

1059
00:59:36,573 --> 00:59:39,201
fire, or the wheel, or the ladder.

1060
00:59:39,409 --> 00:59:40,285
You know...

1061
00:59:40,368 --> 00:59:42,128
I mean, the ladder,
we take that for granted.

1062
00:59:42,162 --> 00:59:44,522
I know you don't think
that's as important but it really is.

1063
00:59:44,581 --> 00:59:45,957
What did we do before the ladder?

1064
00:59:46,041 --> 00:59:48,794
We all had to have a tall friend
to reach things for us.

1065
00:59:48,877 --> 00:59:49,711
You know...

1066
00:59:49,795 --> 00:59:52,089
It was probably a tall guy
who invented the ladder going:

1067
00:59:52,172 --> 00:59:54,549
"I have aspirations of my own.
I am not gonna...

1068
00:59:55,550 --> 00:59:57,594
continue to do this the whole time."

1069
00:59:59,346 --> 01:00:01,348
[claps]

1070
01:00:03,225 --> 01:00:06,061
The ladder is an adult purchase
if you really think about it.

1071
01:00:06,144 --> 01:00:07,944
You don't buy a ladder
when you're a teenager.

1072
01:00:07,979 --> 01:00:10,023
You buy a ladder
when you're an adult.

1073
01:00:10,524 --> 01:00:13,252
When when you have a house,
and the bigger the house the more ladders.

1074
01:00:13,276 --> 01:00:14,611
I have a lot of ladders...

1075
01:00:16,571 --> 01:00:18,156
I have a six-foot, I have an eight-foot

1076
01:00:18,240 --> 01:00:20,450
I have the extension,
the 20-foot aluminum.

1077
01:00:20,575 --> 01:00:23,662
And when I married Portia,
she had a little ladder.

1078
01:00:23,745 --> 01:00:26,706
So I have a step ladder,
but I love it just the same, I do.

1079
01:00:27,040 --> 01:00:29,042
[crowd laughs]

1080
01:00:31,837 --> 01:00:33,839
[claps]

1081
01:00:37,384 --> 01:00:38,510
I wrote that at 3 a.m.

1082
01:00:38,593 --> 01:00:41,429
I thought either this is gonna be
the worst joke I've ever written...

1083
01:00:42,347 --> 01:00:43,347
or the best.

1084
01:00:43,723 --> 01:00:45,142
I've decided, it's the best.

1085
01:00:45,684 --> 01:00:47,686
[crowd cheers]

1086
01:00:48,061 --> 01:00:50,063
[claps]

1087
01:00:53,316 --> 01:00:55,819
I think a junk drawer,
that also is an adult thing

1088
01:00:55,902 --> 01:00:58,530
that happens when we're adults.
We get a junk drawer.

1089
01:00:58,613 --> 01:01:01,825
If you go home, we all have the same
stuff in our junk drawer.

1090
01:01:01,908 --> 01:01:03,636
We all have...
For some reason we won't throw

1091
01:01:03,660 --> 01:01:05,954
a rubber band away
There are tons of rubber bands

1092
01:01:06,037 --> 01:01:08,165
like 24 rubber bands are in there, like...

1093
01:01:08,415 --> 01:01:11,793
in case, a bunch of little girls come over
for pigtails one day. I don't know...

1094
01:01:16,214 --> 01:01:18,300
There's a red ink pen in there just...

1095
01:01:18,383 --> 01:01:21,553
in case you have to grade papers
or something. I don't know, just like...

1096
01:01:24,890 --> 01:01:26,224
There's a roll of Scotch tape

1097
01:01:26,308 --> 01:01:29,019
that's out of the container,
just the roll, and it's...

1098
01:01:29,769 --> 01:01:33,231
You can't get it started
'cause it's half-way broken anyway

1099
01:01:33,565 --> 01:01:34,649
and you just keep it.

1100
01:01:35,150 --> 01:01:38,361
There's a AA battery. Does it work?
I don't know, I just don't...

1101
01:01:38,945 --> 01:01:40,155
I put it in there.

1102
01:01:40,780 --> 01:01:42,782
[claps]

1103
01:01:45,452 --> 01:01:47,746
There's a key and you don't know
what it's to.

1104
01:01:50,415 --> 01:01:52,959
You won't throw it away,
'cause what if someone finds it

1105
01:01:53,043 --> 01:01:54,961
and opens something?
What do they... like...

1106
01:01:56,546 --> 01:01:57,881
Walk around, opening...

1107
01:01:58,298 --> 01:02:00,300
[crowd laughs]

1108
01:02:04,054 --> 01:02:07,057
I heard someone say that a junk drawer
is a metaphor for your life.

1109
01:02:07,140 --> 01:02:09,893
Like we're holding on to things
that we don't need to hold on to

1110
01:02:09,976 --> 01:02:12,079
that we should let go of.
I don't know if that's true.

1111
01:02:12,103 --> 01:02:16,274
People are always looking into things
and looking for signs of what things mean.

1112
01:02:16,691 --> 01:02:17,691
I don't know, I...

1113
01:02:17,776 --> 01:02:19,236
For a while there, I was...

1114
01:02:19,319 --> 01:02:21,947
Every time I looked at the clock
it was 11:11

1115
01:02:22,030 --> 01:02:25,408
and every time, and I started wondering,
like, what does this mean?

1116
01:02:25,492 --> 01:02:27,702
And for me it was a dead battery, but...

1117
01:02:27,994 --> 01:02:29,996
[crowd laughs]

1118
01:02:32,499 --> 01:02:34,501
[claps]

1119
01:02:42,550 --> 01:02:46,596
We all have people, that we know,
that look into signs way too much.

1120
01:02:46,680 --> 01:02:50,267
You know, they'll be like: "I don't know
if I should be in this relationship.

1121
01:02:50,350 --> 01:02:53,144
There's a squirrel. Squirrels live
in trees. Trees have leaves.

1122
01:02:53,228 --> 01:02:54,228
I should leave him."

1123
01:02:54,312 --> 01:02:56,314
[crowd laughs]

1124
01:03:01,111 --> 01:03:02,737
I think we're all looking for signs

1125
01:03:02,821 --> 01:03:05,699
because we're all looking for validation
that we're on the right path.

1126
01:03:05,782 --> 01:03:07,450
And when we see signs like that

1127
01:03:07,909 --> 01:03:10,161
we think that means
that we're on the right path

1128
01:03:10,245 --> 01:03:12,289
which by the way,
we are all on a path.

1129
01:03:12,372 --> 01:03:14,374
We're all on our own individual path.

1130
01:03:14,457 --> 01:03:16,543
Nobody should be on anybody else's path.

1131
01:03:16,626 --> 01:03:18,253
We should be on our own path.

1132
01:03:18,837 --> 01:03:20,839
[crowd claps]

1133
01:03:24,175 --> 01:03:27,679
Unless you're lost in the woods
and you see a path. Follow that, but...

1134
01:03:30,056 --> 01:03:33,810
I think that signs do help us
and I think that if we pay attention

1135
01:03:33,893 --> 01:03:37,230
to those signs, they do guide us.
And some signs are easier...

1136
01:03:37,314 --> 01:03:40,942
to spot than others. And I had something
that was pretty significant

1137
01:03:41,026 --> 01:03:42,902
that happened to me and...

1138
01:03:43,653 --> 01:03:47,073
I didn't even know I was struggling
with coming out.

1139
01:03:47,157 --> 01:03:50,410
I mean, whenever you're closeted,
you're always thinking about it.

1140
01:03:50,618 --> 01:03:53,455
It's on your mind 'cause you're worried
that someone's gonna find out.

1141
01:03:53,538 --> 01:03:55,749
You're worried
that someone's gonna know

1142
01:03:55,832 --> 01:04:00,045
and so, it is on your mind,
so subconsciously we're aware of that.

1143
01:04:00,128 --> 01:04:02,922
But I didn't realize that
until I had this dream.

1144
01:04:03,506 --> 01:04:07,761
I had a dream that I was holding
a baby finch, like a little precious bird

1145
01:04:07,844 --> 01:04:12,599
and it was my pet and I put it back
in its cage which was this beautiful

1146
01:04:12,682 --> 01:04:15,310
multi-tiered bamboo cage

1147
01:04:15,727 --> 01:04:19,522
and the bird became me,
when it went into the cage and...

1148
01:04:20,023 --> 01:04:22,859
all of a sudden it realized
that it was up against the window

1149
01:04:22,942 --> 01:04:26,446
all alone, and the window was open
and the bars were wide enough

1150
01:04:26,529 --> 01:04:29,657
for the bird to fly out.
And it had been the whole time.

1151
01:04:29,783 --> 01:04:33,161
And I looked at the bird and I said:
"Don't leave, you're safe in here."

1152
01:04:33,244 --> 01:04:35,955
And the bird looked at me and said:
"I don't belong in here."

1153
01:04:36,039 --> 01:04:37,040
And flew out.

1154
01:04:37,165 --> 01:04:39,292
And the next morning,
I woke up and I said:

1155
01:04:39,626 --> 01:04:40,626
"I'm coming out."

1156
01:04:41,044 --> 01:04:45,090
[crowd cheers]

1157
01:04:46,966 --> 01:04:49,803
[claps]

1158
01:04:59,938 --> 01:05:00,938
And...

1159
01:05:01,231 --> 01:05:02,857
before I had that dream

1160
01:05:02,941 --> 01:05:06,736
I didn't realize I was in a cage.
I had no idea I was in a cage.

1161
01:05:06,820 --> 01:05:07,904
I had a great life.

1162
01:05:08,029 --> 01:05:09,447
I had a successful sitcom.

1163
01:05:09,531 --> 01:05:12,951
I had fame, I had money,
I had everything that I thought...

1164
01:05:13,326 --> 01:05:16,413
that was important.
But I was hiding a part of myself

1165
01:05:16,496 --> 01:05:20,125
and whenever we hide anything
from anybody, it's because...

1166
01:05:20,208 --> 01:05:22,961
we're worried about
what someone else is gonna think of us.

1167
01:05:23,086 --> 01:05:24,796
And, even though...

1168
01:05:25,380 --> 01:05:26,923
I knew that was gonna be difficult.

1169
01:05:27,006 --> 01:05:29,426
I had gotten to the point
where it was more important for me

1170
01:05:29,509 --> 01:05:32,095
to feel proud of who I was
and live my truth

1171
01:05:32,178 --> 01:05:34,639
than worry about
what other people thought of me.

1172
01:05:34,722 --> 01:05:35,974
[crowd claps]

1173
01:05:36,141 --> 01:05:37,141
And...

1174
01:05:38,560 --> 01:05:40,562
[claps]

1175
01:05:44,732 --> 01:05:46,818
And that time, after I came out, was...

1176
01:05:46,901 --> 01:05:49,654
really one of the hardest periods
of my life, it was.

1177
01:05:49,946 --> 01:05:51,948
But it was the best part of my journey.

1178
01:05:52,073 --> 01:05:55,702
Because it is when I realized
how strong I was.

1179
01:05:55,827 --> 01:05:57,537
It's when I learned compassion.

1180
01:05:57,620 --> 01:06:00,373
It's when I learned
that the truth will always win.

1181
01:06:00,790 --> 01:06:01,790
And...

1182
01:06:02,041 --> 01:06:05,962
That's when you grow.
Like everyone has a fear

1183
01:06:06,045 --> 01:06:07,797
everyone's scared of something.

1184
01:06:07,881 --> 01:06:10,633
But it's not until you've faced
that fear head-on

1185
01:06:10,717 --> 01:06:12,677
that you realized your power.

1186
01:06:12,760 --> 01:06:15,847
And that's when you grow
and that's what we all want.

1187
01:06:15,930 --> 01:06:18,016
We wanna grow,
we wanna feel good about ourselves

1188
01:06:18,099 --> 01:06:19,934
we wanna feel proud of who we are...

1189
01:06:21,227 --> 01:06:22,228
We're all the same.

1190
01:06:22,520 --> 01:06:26,566
So, whether your bathmat scoot
is 50 scoots to get to the towel

1191
01:06:27,734 --> 01:06:29,777
or three scoots to get to the towel...

1192
01:06:30,445 --> 01:06:33,239
Whether you're gay,
or have dry eye...

1193
01:06:33,823 --> 01:06:35,825
[crowd laughs]

1194
01:06:37,827 --> 01:06:39,454
We are all the same...

1195
01:06:39,537 --> 01:06:40,580
and we are all...

1196
01:06:40,663 --> 01:06:41,663
relatable.

1197
01:06:42,499 --> 01:06:43,708
Thank you.

1198
01:06:44,000 --> 01:06:46,002
[crowd cheers]

1199
01:06:47,545 --> 01:06:49,547
[claps]

1200
01:06:52,926 --> 01:06:56,221
[crowd cheers]

1201
01:06:58,097 --> 01:07:00,099
[song playing in the background]

1202
01:07:17,325 --> 01:07:19,577
Subtitle by Matheus Modesto

1203
01:07:56,406 --> 01:07:59,117
Thank you so much.