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sofiasari Dec 21st, 2018 997 Never
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  1. 0
  2. 00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:15,000
  3. INDOXXI
  4. Support dengan like & share :)
  5.  
  6. 1
  7. 00:00:12,262 --> 00:00:16,558
  8. A NETFLIX ORIGINAL COMEDY SPECIAL
  9.  
  10. 2
  11. 00:00:19,394 --> 00:00:21,688
  12. [crowd cheers]
  13.  
  14. 3
  15. 00:00:27,736 --> 00:00:29,738
  16. [background song]
  17.  
  18. 4
  19. 00:01:00,686 --> 00:01:02,062
  20. Thank you so much.
  21.  
  22. 5
  23. 00:01:06,149 --> 00:01:07,149
  24. Thank you.
  25.  
  26. 6
  27. 00:01:07,442 --> 00:01:09,152
  28. That is lovely energy.
  29.  
  30. 7
  31. 00:01:09,236 --> 00:01:10,237
  32. I appreciate it.
  33.  
  34. 8
  35. 00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:12,406
  36. Thank you so much
  37. for being here, Seattle.
  38.  
  39. 9
  40. 00:01:18,120 --> 00:01:19,920
  41. So it's been 15 years
  42. since I've done stand-up
  43.  
  44. 10
  45. 00:01:19,997 --> 00:01:22,082
  46. and when I decided to do this special
  47.  
  48. 11
  49. 00:01:22,165 --> 00:01:24,793
  50. a friend of mine was at my house
  51. and I told him:
  52.  
  53. 12
  54. 00:01:24,876 --> 00:01:26,628
  55. "I'm going to do stand up again."
  56.  
  57. 13
  58. 00:01:26,712 --> 00:01:28,213
  59. And he said: "Really?"
  60.  
  61. 14
  62. 00:01:28,755 --> 00:01:29,840
  63. And I said:
  64.  
  65. 15
  66. 00:01:30,424 --> 00:01:34,219
  67. "Yeah. I was hoping for more of a really."
  68. But it was really.
  69.  
  70. 16
  71. 00:01:34,303 --> 00:01:36,054
  72. And I said: "Yes, why?"
  73. And he said:
  74.  
  75. 17
  76. 00:01:36,138 --> 00:01:38,307
  77. "Well, do you think
  78. you're still relatable?"
  79.  
  80. 18
  81. 00:01:38,932 --> 00:01:39,932
  82. And...
  83.  
  84. 19
  85. 00:01:39,975 --> 00:01:41,643
  86. [crowd laughs]
  87.  
  88. 20
  89. 00:01:41,810 --> 00:01:44,021
  90. I said: "Yes, I do think
  91. I'm still relatable.
  92.  
  93. 21
  94. 00:01:44,104 --> 00:01:45,355
  95. I'm a human being."
  96.  
  97. 22
  98. 00:01:45,439 --> 00:01:48,233
  99. He said: "Well, I mean, your life
  100. has changed so much."
  101.  
  102. 23
  103. 00:01:48,317 --> 00:01:52,070
  104. And... I said:
  105. "I know but I still think I'm relatable."
  106.  
  107. 24
  108. 00:01:52,195 --> 00:01:55,741
  109. And anyway, just then, Batu, my butler,
  110. stepped into the library...
  111.  
  112. 25
  113. 00:01:56,617 --> 00:01:57,617
  114. and...
  115.  
  116. 26
  117. 00:02:00,621 --> 00:02:03,040
  118. He announced
  119. that my breakfast was ready and I...
  120.  
  121. 27
  122. 00:02:03,498 --> 00:02:04,750
  123. [crowd laughs]
  124.  
  125. 28
  126. 00:02:04,875 --> 00:02:07,419
  127. I said: "We'll continue this conversation
  128. another time.
  129.  
  130. 29
  131. 00:02:07,502 --> 00:02:09,546
  132. This is... ridiculous."
  133.  
  134. 30
  135. 00:02:09,630 --> 00:02:10,630
  136. And... hum...
  137.  
  138. 31
  139. 00:02:12,090 --> 00:02:15,135
  140. So I'm sitting in the solarium
  141. eating my breakfast and...
  142.  
  143. 32
  144. 00:02:17,179 --> 00:02:21,016
  145. I was on my third or fourth bite
  146. of cute pineapple that Batu was feeding me
  147.  
  148. 33
  149. 00:02:21,308 --> 00:02:22,308
  150. and...
  151.  
  152. 34
  153. 00:02:23,477 --> 00:02:26,104
  154. I said: "Batu, I'm not hungry,
  155. I've lost my appetite.
  156.  
  157. 35
  158. 00:02:26,188 --> 00:02:28,357
  159. My friend has really upset me
  160. by what he said."
  161.  
  162. 36
  163. 00:02:28,440 --> 00:02:29,440
  164. And...
  165.  
  166. 37
  167. 00:02:29,733 --> 00:02:32,069
  168. he said: "Well then,
  169. I shall draw you a bath ma'am."
  170.  
  171. 38
  172. 00:02:32,152 --> 00:02:33,153
  173. And...
  174.  
  175. 39
  176. 00:02:34,571 --> 00:02:37,451
  177. I said: "You don't have to announce it
  178. all the time. Just draw the bath."
  179.  
  180. 40
  181. 00:02:39,743 --> 00:02:41,078
  182. So I'm sitting in the tub
  183.  
  184. 41
  185. 00:02:41,161 --> 00:02:44,081
  186. and I'm looking out of the window
  187. at the rose garden and...
  188.  
  189. 42
  190. 00:02:45,332 --> 00:02:48,043
  191. Tatiana was tending
  192. to the roses and...
  193.  
  194. 43
  195. 00:02:48,669 --> 00:02:50,087
  196. I knocked.
  197. "Ma'am."
  198.  
  199. 44
  200. 00:02:50,504 --> 00:02:52,881
  201. And... anyway. I get out of the tub
  202.  
  203. 45
  204. 00:02:52,964 --> 00:02:56,468
  205. and Batu had forgotten to put the towel
  206. next to the tub.
  207.  
  208. 46
  209. 00:02:57,135 --> 00:02:57,969
  210. Again!
  211.  
  212. 47
  213. 00:02:58,136 --> 00:02:59,136
  214. And...
  215.  
  216. 48
  217. 00:02:59,971 --> 00:03:03,100
  218. So, I had to do that bathmat scoot
  219. all the way across...
  220.  
  221. 49
  222. 00:03:03,517 --> 00:03:05,560
  223. the bathroom to get to the towel.
  224.  
  225. 50
  226. 00:03:06,561 --> 00:03:09,439
  227. And, it's a big...
  228. You can imagine how big the bathroom is.
  229.  
  230. 51
  231. 00:03:09,523 --> 00:03:10,357
  232. It's like...
  233.  
  234. 52
  235. 00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:11,358
  236. [crowd laughs]
  237.  
  238. 53
  239. 00:03:11,441 --> 00:03:12,984
  240. Doing the bathmat scoot.
  241.  
  242. 54
  243. 00:03:14,903 --> 00:03:17,614
  244. And then I stopped and I was like:
  245. "Oh my God...
  246.  
  247. 55
  248. 00:03:18,448 --> 00:03:19,700
  249. this is relatable."
  250.  
  251. 56
  252. 00:03:22,703 --> 00:03:24,705
  253. [crowd claps]
  254.  
  255. 57
  256. 00:03:29,126 --> 00:03:30,585
  257. People do the bathmat scoot
  258.  
  259. 58
  260. 00:03:30,669 --> 00:03:34,089
  261. when the butler forgets to put the towel
  262. next to the tub.
  263.  
  264. 59
  265. 00:03:35,507 --> 00:03:37,551
  266. And I thought: "Oh my God,
  267. I am gonna go downstairs
  268.  
  269. 60
  270. 00:03:37,634 --> 00:03:41,138
  271. I'm gonna write the most relatable
  272. special that anybody has ever seen."
  273.  
  274. 61
  275. 00:03:41,930 --> 00:03:44,516
  276. So after Lupita got me dressed
  277. and combed my hair...
  278.  
  279. 62
  280. 00:03:46,351 --> 00:03:47,745
  281. I just couldn't wait, I was just...
  282.  
  283. 63
  284. 00:03:47,769 --> 00:03:48,996
  285. the whole way down the escalator,
  286.  
  287. 64
  288. 00:03:49,020 --> 00:03:50,814
  289. I'm like, this is gonna be so good.
  290.  
  291. 65
  292. 00:03:54,443 --> 00:03:55,527
  293. So I get downstairs
  294.  
  295. 66
  296. 00:03:55,610 --> 00:03:58,572
  297. and my friend is still down
  298. wandering around in the hallway
  299.  
  300. 67
  301. 00:03:58,655 --> 00:04:00,455
  302. and I'm like: "What are you still
  303. doing here?"
  304.  
  305. 68
  306. 00:04:00,490 --> 00:04:03,160
  307. And he's like: "I'm lost."
  308. And I'm like: "Oh my God."
  309.  
  310. 69
  311. 00:04:04,995 --> 00:04:07,247
  312. "How many times
  313. have I shown you the front door?
  314.  
  315. 70
  316. 00:04:07,330 --> 00:04:08,330
  317. It's down the hall
  318.  
  319. 71
  320. 00:04:08,582 --> 00:04:10,792
  321. pass the Medal of Freedom,
  322. pass the Emmys
  323.  
  324. 72
  325. 00:04:10,876 --> 00:04:12,586
  326. pass the People's Choice Awards
  327.  
  328. 73
  329. 00:04:13,003 --> 00:04:15,422
  330. past the Kids' Choice Awards,
  331. the Teens' Choice Awards
  332.  
  333. 74
  334. 00:04:15,922 --> 00:04:18,383
  335. the Mark Twain Prize,
  336. the Peabody.
  337.  
  338. 75
  339. 00:04:20,218 --> 00:04:23,138
  340. Take a left at the gift shop,
  341. and that is the front door."
  342.  
  343. 76
  344. 00:04:31,980 --> 00:04:33,607
  345. I think people have a tendency...
  346.  
  347. 77
  348. 00:04:33,690 --> 00:04:36,109
  349. We look at somebody
  350. and we decide we know all about them.
  351.  
  352. 78
  353. 00:04:36,193 --> 00:04:38,028
  354. We put someone in a box so,
  355. you know
  356.  
  357. 79
  358. 00:04:38,111 --> 00:04:40,989
  359. I think everyone thinks that all
  360. celebrities live exactly the same.
  361.  
  362. 80
  363. 00:04:41,072 --> 00:04:45,952
  364. Like we all live behind big gold gates
  365. down a long winding driveway and...
  366.  
  367. 81
  368. 00:04:46,036 --> 00:04:48,872
  369. to a big round motor court with a...
  370.  
  371. 82
  372. 00:04:48,955 --> 00:04:51,666
  373. fountain in the center
  374. shooting up in the air and...
  375.  
  376. 83
  377. 00:04:51,750 --> 00:04:56,421
  378. double doors leading to a two-story
  379. entrance and matching curved staircases
  380.  
  381. 84
  382. 00:04:56,505 --> 00:04:57,964
  383. to the second floor
  384.  
  385. 85
  386. 00:04:58,048 --> 00:05:00,550
  387. and a chandelier made of crystal
  388.  
  389. 86
  390. 00:05:00,634 --> 00:05:02,344
  391. and gold toilets, and...
  392.  
  393. 87
  394. 00:05:03,220 --> 00:05:04,387
  395. What else do I have?
  396.  
  397. 88
  398. 00:05:04,721 --> 00:05:06,723
  399. [crowd laughs]
  400.  
  401. 89
  402. 00:05:09,142 --> 00:05:10,268
  403. Gold toilets...
  404.  
  405. 90
  406. 00:05:14,856 --> 00:05:17,692
  407. We do... We have a tendency
  408. to stereotype people.
  409.  
  410. 91
  411. 00:05:17,901 --> 00:05:18,901
  412. This is...
  413.  
  414. 92
  415. 00:05:19,152 --> 00:05:20,237
  416. This is a true story.
  417.  
  418. 93
  419. 00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:22,197
  420. I was talking to this woman
  421.  
  422. 94
  423. 00:05:22,280 --> 00:05:24,908
  424. and she was telling me
  425. about her kid's recital or something.
  426.  
  427. 95
  428. 00:05:24,991 --> 00:05:26,952
  429. You know, how people are, and...
  430.  
  431. 96
  432. 00:05:31,456 --> 00:05:32,833
  433. I said: "I gotta get going.
  434.  
  435. 97
  436. 00:05:32,916 --> 00:05:34,876
  437. I gotta get home to feed my cats."
  438.  
  439. 98
  440. 00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:35,960
  441. And...
  442.  
  443. 99
  444. 00:05:36,294 --> 00:05:38,046
  445. She said: "Oh, how many cats do you have?"
  446.  
  447. 100
  448. 00:05:38,129 --> 00:05:41,049
  449. And I said: "Three."
  450. And she goes: "Oh, you are a lesbian."
  451.  
  452. 101
  453. 00:05:41,132 --> 00:05:43,134
  454. [crowd claps]
  455.  
  456. 102
  457. 00:05:51,226 --> 00:05:54,396
  458. I said: "I got news for you, that's not
  459. what makes you a lesbian, it's..."
  460.  
  461. 103
  462. 00:05:56,022 --> 00:05:57,022
  463. Nuts...
  464.  
  465. 104
  466. 00:06:03,154 --> 00:06:05,365
  467. It's other stuff. It's...
  468.  
  469. 105
  470. 00:06:09,703 --> 00:06:13,123
  471. I said: "I have three dogs.
  472. Does that cancel it out in any way or..."
  473.  
  474. 106
  475. 00:06:13,623 --> 00:06:16,001
  476. What if I had two cats,
  477. does that make me questioning
  478.  
  479. 107
  480. 00:06:16,084 --> 00:06:18,795
  481. or am I not quite gay at that
  482. point?
  483.  
  484. 108
  485. 00:06:18,879 --> 00:06:19,879
  486. I don't know...
  487.  
  488. 109
  489. 00:06:20,755 --> 00:06:22,215
  490. I am still gay by the way.
  491.  
  492. 110
  493. 00:06:22,299 --> 00:06:23,425
  494. Still...
  495.  
  496. 111
  497. 00:06:23,842 --> 00:06:25,135
  498. Oh, thank you.
  499. [crowd cheers]
  500.  
  501. 112
  502. 00:06:25,343 --> 00:06:26,595
  503. Thank you very much.
  504.  
  505. 113
  506. 00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:28,387
  507. Thank you.
  508.  
  509. 114
  510. 00:06:29,639 --> 00:06:31,641
  511. Thank you.
  512.  
  513. 115
  514. 00:06:32,434 --> 00:06:34,311
  515. Yes, I'm enjoying it. It's...
  516.  
  517. 116
  518. 00:06:36,563 --> 00:06:38,148
  519. really working out for me now.
  520.  
  521. 117
  522. 00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:39,231
  523. It's...
  524.  
  525. 118
  526. 00:06:40,150 --> 00:06:42,444
  527. at the beginning, not so much, but now...
  528.  
  529. 119
  530. 00:06:44,654 --> 00:06:48,533
  531. Yeah, it was tough in the beginning.
  532. For five minutes it was really celebrated
  533.  
  534. 120
  535. 00:06:48,617 --> 00:06:50,535
  536. and then everyone changed their minds.
  537.  
  538. 121
  539. 00:06:51,828 --> 00:06:53,538
  540. But I really...
  541. For a few minutes there
  542.  
  543. 122
  544. 00:06:53,622 --> 00:06:56,583
  545. it really seemed like it was going well
  546. and I thought
  547.  
  548. 123
  549. 00:06:56,666 --> 00:06:59,878
  550. everyone in Hollywood that's closeted
  551. is gonna come out after me
  552.  
  553. 124
  554. 00:06:59,961 --> 00:07:02,964
  555. I pictured like a stampede
  556. of wild elephants like...
  557.  
  558. 125
  559. 00:07:03,048 --> 00:07:05,592
  560. every closeted actor and actress
  561. in Hollywood...
  562.  
  563. 126
  564. 00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:07,480
  565. But instead,
  566. they were like little meerkats
  567.  
  568. 127
  569. 00:07:07,510 --> 00:07:10,263
  570. coming out of their little
  571. meerkat closets. Just...
  572.  
  573. 128
  574. 00:07:11,139 --> 00:07:12,515
  575. "How's this gonna go?
  576.  
  577. 129
  578. 00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:14,726
  579. Is she gonna be OK?
  580.  
  581. 130
  582. 00:07:15,143 --> 00:07:17,896
  583. Before I make a decision
  584. I wanna see how this is.
  585.  
  586. 131
  587. 00:07:18,730 --> 00:07:21,399
  588. Nope, not going well.
  589. I'm going down...
  590.  
  591. 132
  592. 00:07:21,983 --> 00:07:22,983
  593. back in...
  594.  
  595. 133
  596. 00:07:23,443 --> 00:07:25,111
  597. stay there for a little while."
  598.  
  599. 134
  600. 00:07:33,954 --> 00:07:36,373
  601. I just think, it would help
  602. if more people came out.
  603.  
  604. 135
  605. 00:07:36,456 --> 00:07:38,541
  606. There are a lot of children
  607. that it would impact
  608.  
  609. 136
  610. 00:07:38,625 --> 00:07:41,503
  611. a lot of kids would be helped
  612. by that, you know, and...
  613.  
  614. 137
  615. 00:07:41,586 --> 00:07:43,588
  616. [crowd cheers and clap]
  617.  
  618. 138
  619. 00:07:49,177 --> 00:07:51,471
  620. It's not just actors and actresses.
  621.  
  622. 139
  623. 00:07:51,554 --> 00:07:54,283
  624. I mean, there are gay football players,
  625. there are gay baseball players
  626.  
  627. 140
  628. 00:07:54,307 --> 00:07:56,685
  629. there are gay hockey players,
  630. there are gay doctors, lawyers
  631.  
  632. 141
  633. 00:07:56,768 --> 00:07:59,062
  634. there are gay hairdressers, you guys.
  635.  
  636. 142
  637. 00:08:06,861 --> 00:08:09,239
  638. I just think
  639. when something is talked about
  640.  
  641. 143
  642. 00:08:09,322 --> 00:08:12,283
  643. and when you see representatives
  644. of whatever the subject is
  645.  
  646. 144
  647. 00:08:12,367 --> 00:08:13,493
  648. it demystifies it.
  649.  
  650. 145
  651. 00:08:13,576 --> 00:08:15,954
  652. People aren't afraid of it anymore like...
  653.  
  654. 146
  655. 00:08:16,037 --> 00:08:16,871
  656. dandruff.
  657.  
  658. 147
  659. 00:08:16,997 --> 00:08:17,997
  660. I mean...
  661.  
  662. 148
  663. 00:08:19,666 --> 00:08:21,209
  664. People weren't talking about dandruff.
  665.  
  666. 149
  667. 00:08:21,292 --> 00:08:23,003
  668. Everybody was all nervous about dandruff
  669.  
  670. 150
  671. 00:08:23,086 --> 00:08:26,339
  672. and then Sofia Vergara does this
  673. Head & Shoulders commercial...
  674.  
  675. 151
  676. 00:08:30,051 --> 00:08:32,137
  677. Her son has dandruff.
  678. He's a handsome boy.
  679.  
  680. 152
  681. 00:08:32,262 --> 00:08:33,638
  682. We don't care.
  683. He's got dandruff.
  684.  
  685. 153
  686. 00:08:35,181 --> 00:08:38,351
  687. Nobody's worried about talking
  688. about dandruff anymore, you know.
  689.  
  690. 154
  691. 00:08:39,894 --> 00:08:41,521
  692. Jen Aniston has dry eye.
  693.  
  694. 155
  695. 00:08:41,604 --> 00:08:42,604
  696. We know that now.
  697.  
  698. 156
  699. 00:08:42,856 --> 00:08:44,858
  700. [crowd laughs]
  701.  
  702. 157
  703. 00:08:48,278 --> 00:08:49,988
  704. She's your friend,
  705. she's my friend.
  706.  
  707. 158
  708. 00:08:50,071 --> 00:08:51,740
  709. She has dry eye and that's okay.
  710.  
  711. 159
  712. 00:08:55,201 --> 00:08:58,163
  713. She's actually... She is my friend
  714. and she hid that from me.
  715.  
  716. 160
  717. 00:08:58,246 --> 00:09:00,623
  718. I had to learn about it
  719. on the commercial. She was...
  720.  
  721. 161
  722. 00:09:01,916 --> 00:09:02,916
  723. ashamed.
  724.  
  725. 162
  726. 00:09:09,299 --> 00:09:12,594
  727. So, I think, you know,
  728. if more gay people would endorse...
  729.  
  730. 163
  731. 00:09:12,677 --> 00:09:15,221
  732. and not in a commercial,
  733. like, but, although...
  734.  
  735. 164
  736. 00:09:17,015 --> 00:09:18,099
  737. Can you imagine:
  738.  
  739. 165
  740. 00:09:18,183 --> 00:09:21,394
  741. "Hi, I'm Ellen DeGeneres.
  742. Now I'd like to talk to you about gay.
  743.  
  744. 166
  745. 00:09:24,689 --> 00:09:27,609
  746. Do you find yourself in love with,
  747. attracted to or just curious
  748.  
  749. 167
  750. 00:09:27,692 --> 00:09:28,692
  751. about the same sex?
  752.  
  753. 168
  754. 00:09:30,612 --> 00:09:32,197
  755. Maybe it's time you try gay.
  756.  
  757. 169
  758. 00:09:32,614 --> 00:09:34,616
  759. [crowd laughs]
  760.  
  761. 170
  762. 00:09:35,575 --> 00:09:37,577
  763. [claps]
  764.  
  765. 171
  766. 00:09:41,915 --> 00:09:44,709
  767. You'll notice the difference
  768. in as little as 48 hours.
  769.  
  770. 172
  771. 00:09:49,297 --> 00:09:52,258
  772. And I should know.
  773. I'm not just a spokesperson, I'm a gay.
  774.  
  775. 173
  776. 00:09:54,928 --> 00:09:58,556
  777. Side effects may include: Loss of family,
  778. loss of friends, unemployment."
  779.  
  780. 174
  781. 00:09:59,015 --> 00:10:01,017
  782. [crowd laughs]
  783.  
  784. 175
  785. 00:10:04,562 --> 00:10:06,564
  786. [crowd claps]
  787.  
  788. 176
  789. 00:10:12,153 --> 00:10:14,989
  790. Yep, unemployment is a side effect.
  791. That is definitely...
  792.  
  793. 177
  794. 00:10:15,782 --> 00:10:18,576
  795. I lost my sitcom when I came out and...
  796.  
  797. 178
  798. 00:10:18,660 --> 00:10:20,245
  799. It's not like nobody warned me.
  800.  
  801. 179
  802. 00:10:20,328 --> 00:10:21,704
  803. I mean everybody warned me.
  804.  
  805. 180
  806. 00:10:21,788 --> 00:10:24,207
  807. My publicist, my agent, my manager
  808.  
  809. 181
  810. 00:10:24,290 --> 00:10:26,751
  811. anyone making money off of me said:
  812. "Don't do it."
  813.  
  814. 182
  815. 00:10:30,255 --> 00:10:33,424
  816. But, you know,
  817. my worst fears came true because...
  818.  
  819. 183
  820. 00:10:33,508 --> 00:10:35,385
  821. you know, and that's why
  822. people stay closeted.
  823.  
  824. 184
  825. 00:10:35,468 --> 00:10:38,555
  826. The same people who loved me,
  827. overnight, just hated me.
  828.  
  829. 185
  830. 00:10:38,638 --> 00:10:41,266
  831. Just because they knew I was gay.
  832. Everything changed.
  833.  
  834. 186
  835. 00:10:41,349 --> 00:10:45,353
  836. And you know, I went through a depression
  837. and people made fun of me
  838.  
  839. 187
  840. 00:10:45,603 --> 00:10:48,898
  841. and people were writing articles about me,
  842. dissecting the whole process
  843.  
  844. 188
  845. 00:10:48,982 --> 00:10:51,359
  846. and why I did it
  847. and that I shouldn't have done it
  848.  
  849. 189
  850. 00:10:51,442 --> 00:10:53,778
  851. and you know,
  852. it was just a really tough thing.
  853.  
  854. 190
  855. 00:10:53,862 --> 00:10:56,531
  856. It took three years for me
  857. to get back on television.
  858.  
  859. 191
  860. 00:10:56,614 --> 00:10:59,367
  861. And, so when I was offered this talk show
  862.  
  863. 192
  864. 00:10:59,450 --> 00:11:02,537
  865. I was really excited about it,
  866. but they were trying to sell the talk show
  867.  
  868. 193
  869. 00:11:02,620 --> 00:11:06,749
  870. and a lot of people didn't wanna buy it
  871. because no one thought they'd watch.
  872.  
  873. 194
  874. 00:11:06,833 --> 00:11:10,003
  875. There was this one station manager,
  876. and this is a quote:
  877.  
  878. 195
  879. 00:11:10,253 --> 00:11:11,296
  880. "No one's gonna watch it.
  881.  
  882. 196
  883. 00:11:11,379 --> 00:11:13,256
  884. No one's gonna watch
  885. a lesbian during the day."
  886.  
  887. 197
  888. 00:11:14,174 --> 00:11:16,176
  889. [crowd laughs]
  890.  
  891. 198
  892. 00:11:18,219 --> 00:11:21,806
  893. I said: "Well, they weren't watching me
  894. at night. What time of day is good for...
  895.  
  896. 199
  897. 00:11:23,016 --> 00:11:24,016
  898. a lesbian?"
  899.  
  900. 200
  901. 00:11:26,227 --> 00:11:27,227
  902. So...
  903.  
  904. 201
  905. 00:11:27,937 --> 00:11:29,939
  906. [claps]
  907.  
  908. 202
  909. 00:11:31,399 --> 00:11:34,319
  910. Yeah, and then I get on the air
  911. in the first season.
  912.  
  913. 203
  914. 00:11:35,028 --> 00:11:37,822
  915. I'm sure you have it archived.
  916. if you look back at the first season.
  917.  
  918. 204
  919. 00:11:38,823 --> 00:11:42,243
  920. I kinda had to tone it down a little bit,
  921. I had to dress differently.
  922.  
  923. 205
  924. 00:11:42,327 --> 00:11:43,536
  925. I was, you know...
  926.  
  927. 206
  928. 00:11:43,620 --> 00:11:44,996
  929. My hair was different.
  930.  
  931. 207
  932. 00:11:45,079 --> 00:11:47,874
  933. I had to wear necklaces,
  934. crazy things, really. Just...
  935.  
  936. 208
  937. 00:11:56,174 --> 00:11:57,675
  938. "Is Ellen wearing a necklace?
  939.  
  940. 209
  941. 00:12:00,345 --> 00:12:01,471
  942. It's very delicate.
  943.  
  944. 210
  945. 00:12:03,514 --> 00:12:05,683
  946. She may not be gay anymore,
  947. I don't know.
  948.  
  949. 211
  950. 00:12:08,770 --> 00:12:11,231
  951. Does she still have the cats?
  952. She may not be gay."
  953.  
  954. 212
  955. 00:12:16,653 --> 00:12:18,738
  956. But then, you know, the years went on
  957.  
  958. 213
  959. 00:12:18,821 --> 00:12:20,823
  960. and people watched the show
  961. and liked the show
  962.  
  963. 214
  964. 00:12:20,907 --> 00:12:23,117
  965. saw that I was the same person
  966. I was before
  967.  
  968. 215
  969. 00:12:23,201 --> 00:12:25,828
  970. plus I started giving stuff away
  971. and people love free stuff.
  972.  
  973. 216
  974. 00:12:28,373 --> 00:12:30,083
  975. Oh yeah!
  976.  
  977. 217
  978. 00:12:33,795 --> 00:12:35,463
  979. "I got a TV from the gay lady.
  980.  
  981. 218
  982. 00:12:37,131 --> 00:12:38,424
  983. I sure do like her."
  984.  
  985. 219
  986. 00:12:44,347 --> 00:12:48,059
  987. Yeah, so, starting season 16
  988. this year and now...
  989.  
  990. 220
  991. 00:12:48,142 --> 00:12:50,144
  992. [crowd cheers and claps]
  993.  
  994. 221
  995. 00:13:01,572 --> 00:13:04,742
  996. So, it turns out they'll watch a lesbian
  997. during the day. They...
  998.  
  999. 222
  1000. 00:13:08,246 --> 00:13:10,581
  1001. So, now everybody's pretty cool
  1002. with the fact I'm gay.
  1003.  
  1004. 223
  1005. 00:13:10,665 --> 00:13:11,791
  1006. Everybody's fine with that.
  1007.  
  1008. 224
  1009. 00:13:11,874 --> 00:13:13,554
  1010. The one thing people get really
  1011. upset about
  1012.  
  1013. 225
  1014. 00:13:13,626 --> 00:13:15,044
  1015. is when they find out I'm
  1016. vegan.
  1017.  
  1018. 226
  1019. 00:13:15,128 --> 00:13:16,379
  1020. Oh boy.
  1021.  
  1022. 227
  1023. 00:13:17,839 --> 00:13:20,717
  1024. "You're vegan?
  1025. Where do you get your protein?
  1026.  
  1027. 228
  1028. 00:13:21,676 --> 00:13:23,594
  1029. Why do you care
  1030. where I get my protein?
  1031.  
  1032. 229
  1033. 00:13:23,761 --> 00:13:25,763
  1034. [crowd laughs]
  1035.  
  1036. 230
  1037. 00:13:27,348 --> 00:13:29,350
  1038. [claps]
  1039.  
  1040. 231
  1041. 00:13:32,562 --> 00:13:34,272
  1042. Where do you get your riboflavin?"
  1043.  
  1044. 232
  1045. 00:13:42,780 --> 00:13:43,906
  1046. It's hard to be vegan.
  1047.  
  1048. 233
  1049. 00:13:43,990 --> 00:13:46,534
  1050. If you go to a restaurant,
  1051. unless it's a vegan restaurant.
  1052.  
  1053. 234
  1054. 00:13:46,617 --> 00:13:47,744
  1055. they don't know what to do.
  1056.  
  1057. 235
  1058. 00:13:47,827 --> 00:13:49,412
  1059. You know, you say: "I'm vegan.
  1060.  
  1061. 236
  1062. 00:13:49,495 --> 00:13:51,456
  1063. So well, then you can have the chicken?
  1064.  
  1065. 237
  1066. 00:13:51,539 --> 00:13:52,874
  1067. No can't have the chicken.
  1068.  
  1069. 238
  1070. 00:13:53,750 --> 00:13:56,711
  1071. - I'll get the asparagus.
  1072. - Well, that comes with Parmesan cheese.
  1073.  
  1074. 239
  1075. 00:13:57,211 --> 00:13:58,338
  1076. Can you do it without?
  1077.  
  1078. 240
  1079. 00:14:00,340 --> 00:14:04,010
  1080. - Alright, I'll just get the salad then.
  1081. - Well, that's soaked in ham juice.
  1082.  
  1083. 241
  1084. 00:14:04,218 --> 00:14:06,220
  1085. [crowd laughs]
  1086.  
  1087. 242
  1088. 00:14:09,057 --> 00:14:12,101
  1089. - Why?
  1090. - That's how we do it, don't know."
  1091.  
  1092. 243
  1093. 00:14:17,607 --> 00:14:20,610
  1094. I'm not really vegan,
  1095. I say it for the joke. But I'm not...
  1096.  
  1097. 244
  1098. 00:14:21,027 --> 00:14:23,029
  1099. [crowd laughs]
  1100.  
  1101. 245
  1102. 00:14:23,237 --> 00:14:25,615
  1103. Oh, look...
  1104. how happy you are.
  1105.  
  1106. 246
  1107. 00:14:26,949 --> 00:14:29,202
  1108. Oh my God, you're so happy
  1109. I'm not vegan.
  1110.  
  1111. 247
  1112. 00:14:30,828 --> 00:14:35,375
  1113. "Thank God, Ellen. I was trying
  1114. to laugh along with the vegan bit, but..."
  1115.  
  1116. 248
  1117. 00:14:38,628 --> 00:14:40,630
  1118. And all the vegans are like:
  1119. "Oh, Ellen!
  1120.  
  1121. 249
  1122. 00:14:43,091 --> 00:14:45,218
  1123. You were helping us for a minute there."
  1124.  
  1125. 250
  1126. 00:14:46,844 --> 00:14:50,348
  1127. I was vegan for 8 years and I really do
  1128. believe that is great for you.
  1129.  
  1130. 251
  1131. 00:14:50,431 --> 00:14:53,184
  1132. I was healthier than I'd ever been,
  1133. I love being vegan.
  1134.  
  1135. 252
  1136. 00:14:53,267 --> 00:14:55,228
  1137. But just in the last year or two
  1138.  
  1139. 253
  1140. 00:14:55,686 --> 00:14:58,856
  1141. for no reason, really. I just started
  1142. eating a piece of fish once in a while
  1143.  
  1144. 254
  1145. 00:14:58,940 --> 00:15:01,526
  1146. and I'll eat eggs
  1147. from chickens that I know.
  1148.  
  1149. 255
  1150. 00:15:01,609 --> 00:15:02,769
  1151. You know what I mean? Like...
  1152.  
  1153. 256
  1154. 00:15:03,194 --> 00:15:05,196
  1155. If they're in someone's backyard
  1156.  
  1157. 257
  1158. 00:15:05,279 --> 00:15:07,079
  1159. and they're wondering around
  1160. and they're happy
  1161.  
  1162. 258
  1163. 00:15:07,115 --> 00:15:09,435
  1164. and they don't have a husband.
  1165. Do you know what I'm saying?
  1166.  
  1167. 259
  1168. 00:15:09,784 --> 00:15:10,784
  1169. You know...
  1170.  
  1171. 260
  1172. 00:15:11,452 --> 00:15:12,620
  1173. You know what I mean...
  1174.  
  1175. 261
  1176. 00:15:14,622 --> 00:15:16,207
  1177. You know what I mean, yeah.
  1178.  
  1179. 262
  1180. 00:15:22,046 --> 00:15:24,726
  1181. Some of the restaurants are trying
  1182. to figure out how to help vegans.
  1183.  
  1184. 263
  1185. 00:15:24,799 --> 00:15:26,679
  1186. There's not a lot of option
  1187. at most restaurants.
  1188.  
  1189. 264
  1190. 00:15:26,717 --> 00:15:29,220
  1191. But the fine dining. I love that phrase.
  1192. "Fine dining."
  1193.  
  1194. 265
  1195. 00:15:29,303 --> 00:15:30,805
  1196. "- How's the dining?
  1197. - Fine."
  1198.  
  1199. 266
  1200. 00:15:31,180 --> 00:15:33,182
  1201. [crowd laughs]
  1202.  
  1203. 267
  1204. 00:15:37,728 --> 00:15:40,773
  1205. They try to be so fancy
  1206. when you go into the "fine dining".
  1207.  
  1208. 268
  1209. 00:15:40,857 --> 00:15:42,275
  1210. "Have you dined with us before?
  1211.  
  1212. 269
  1213. 00:15:42,900 --> 00:15:45,319
  1214. No, but I've dined in other places before.
  1215.  
  1216. 270
  1217. 00:15:46,571 --> 00:15:48,990
  1218. Something different gonna happen in here?
  1219.  
  1220. 271
  1221. 00:15:50,950 --> 00:15:52,827
  1222. Sit down and eat and pay
  1223. and leave, right?
  1224.  
  1225. 272
  1226. 00:15:53,453 --> 00:15:54,453
  1227. OK.
  1228.  
  1229. 273
  1230. 00:15:59,417 --> 00:16:01,627
  1231. Some of these restaurants
  1232. they have the waiters that...
  1233.  
  1234. 274
  1235. 00:16:01,711 --> 00:16:04,630
  1236. I get so much anxiety from
  1237. the waiters
  1238.  
  1239. 275
  1240. 00:16:04,714 --> 00:16:07,216
  1241. that refuse to take your orders
  1242. and write it down.
  1243.  
  1244. 276
  1245. 00:16:07,300 --> 00:16:09,510
  1246. They insist on memorizing your order.
  1247.  
  1248. 277
  1249. 00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:12,346
  1250. Oh my God, I have so much anxiety.
  1251.  
  1252. 278
  1253. 00:16:12,430 --> 00:16:15,683
  1254. I don't know why they insist on doing it.
  1255. like they're impressing us in some way.
  1256.  
  1257. 279
  1258. 00:16:15,766 --> 00:16:18,978
  1259. You know, like, we're gonna go home
  1260. later that night lying in bed talking:
  1261.  
  1262. 280
  1263. 00:16:19,061 --> 00:16:21,606
  1264. "I still can't get over that waiter.
  1265.  
  1266. 281
  1267. 00:16:23,191 --> 00:16:24,191
  1268. Oh.
  1269.  
  1270. 282
  1271. 00:16:28,738 --> 00:16:31,199
  1272. Every single thing, he remembered.
  1273.  
  1274. 283
  1275. 00:16:36,829 --> 00:16:40,041
  1276. Yep, the green beans.
  1277. I thought about that too, on the side...
  1278.  
  1279. 284
  1280. 00:16:41,959 --> 00:16:42,959
  1281. Good night."
  1282.  
  1283. 285
  1284. 00:16:48,466 --> 00:16:50,468
  1285. If I see
  1286. they're not gonna write it down.
  1287.  
  1288. 286
  1289. 00:16:50,551 --> 00:16:53,721
  1290. I'd say: "Do you mind if I write it down
  1291. and give it to you and then...
  1292.  
  1293. 287
  1294. 00:16:54,222 --> 00:16:55,306
  1295. you take it in
  1296. the kitchen?
  1297.  
  1298. 288
  1299. 00:16:55,389 --> 00:16:56,599
  1300. Is that okay? 'Cause...
  1301.  
  1302. 289
  1303. 00:16:57,433 --> 00:16:59,018
  1304. I'd like it to come out right."
  1305.  
  1306. 290
  1307. 00:17:01,395 --> 00:17:04,649
  1308. It's just so... I'm filled with anxiety
  1309. when they come up to the table
  1310.  
  1311. 291
  1312. 00:17:04,732 --> 00:17:06,067
  1313. and they just come up and:
  1314.  
  1315. 292
  1316. 00:17:06,317 --> 00:17:07,735
  1317. "And the lady will have?
  1318.  
  1319. 293
  1320. 00:17:17,286 --> 00:17:18,286
  1321. Thank you.
  1322.  
  1323. 294
  1324. 00:17:20,748 --> 00:17:21,916
  1325. And for the gentleman?
  1326.  
  1327. 295
  1328. 00:17:28,756 --> 00:17:31,425
  1329. Shouldn't be a problem.
  1330. I'll speak with the chef and... yes.
  1331.  
  1332. 296
  1333. 00:17:31,592 --> 00:17:34,428
  1334. And the green beans on the side.
  1335. I'll do that, thank you.
  1336.  
  1337. 297
  1338. 00:17:36,097 --> 00:17:37,181
  1339. And for you?
  1340.  
  1341. 298
  1342. 00:17:37,890 --> 00:17:39,767
  1343. [crowd laughs]
  1344.  
  1345. 299
  1346. 00:17:41,894 --> 00:17:44,188
  1347. Deathly allergic.
  1348. Alright, I'll remember that.
  1349.  
  1350. 300
  1351. 00:17:44,855 --> 00:17:46,732
  1352. Yes.
  1353. No, deathly allergic.
  1354.  
  1355. 301
  1356. 00:17:46,816 --> 00:17:48,609
  1357. I got it right there, thank you.
  1358.  
  1359. 302
  1360. 00:17:50,945 --> 00:17:51,945
  1361. And next?
  1362.  
  1363. 303
  1364. 00:18:04,417 --> 00:18:05,417
  1365. Thank you.
  1366.  
  1367. 304
  1368. 00:18:07,211 --> 00:18:08,629
  1369. And this side of the table?
  1370.  
  1371. 305
  1372. 00:18:08,754 --> 00:18:10,756
  1373. [crowd laughs and claps]
  1374.  
  1375. 306
  1376. 00:18:15,177 --> 00:18:16,177
  1377. Excellent choice."
  1378.  
  1379. 307
  1380. 00:18:16,220 --> 00:18:18,639
  1381. I hate when they say "excellent choice"
  1382. right after me.
  1383.  
  1384. 308
  1385. 00:18:18,723 --> 00:18:21,225
  1386. Like: "What was my choice?
  1387. It wasn't...? Why?
  1388.  
  1389. 309
  1390. 00:18:21,726 --> 00:18:23,227
  1391. Why do you say that to her?"
  1392.  
  1393. 310
  1394. 00:18:27,356 --> 00:18:30,818
  1395. Some of the nicer restaurants have
  1396. the bathroom attendants in there
  1397.  
  1398. 311
  1399. 00:18:30,901 --> 00:18:33,779
  1400. which is a... I don't understand
  1401. how that job got started.
  1402.  
  1403. 312
  1404. 00:18:33,863 --> 00:18:35,114
  1405. That was somebody's idea.
  1406.  
  1407. 313
  1408. 00:18:35,615 --> 00:18:36,949
  1409. I don't know who started that.
  1410.  
  1411. 314
  1412. 00:18:37,033 --> 00:18:40,328
  1413. I don't know if some person,
  1414. a customer in the restaurant.
  1415.  
  1416. 315
  1417. 00:18:40,411 --> 00:18:41,871
  1418. "I'd like to speak to the manager.
  1419.  
  1420. 316
  1421. 00:18:41,954 --> 00:18:44,999
  1422. I'm the manager. Was there a problem
  1423. with the meal, everything OK?
  1424.  
  1425. 317
  1426. 00:18:45,082 --> 00:18:47,627
  1427. Everything was fine, thank you.
  1428. Delicious, as a matter fact
  1429.  
  1430. 318
  1431. 00:18:47,710 --> 00:18:49,670
  1432. but when I went into the bathroom...
  1433.  
  1434. 319
  1435. 00:18:50,588 --> 00:18:51,922
  1436. I was all alone.
  1437.  
  1438. 320
  1439. 00:19:00,890 --> 00:19:01,974
  1440. Nobody was in there.
  1441.  
  1442. 321
  1443. 00:19:04,060 --> 00:19:07,104
  1444. Alright, so you would like someone
  1445. to go in with you?
  1446.  
  1447. 322
  1448. 00:19:07,188 --> 00:19:08,022
  1449. No.
  1450.  
  1451. 323
  1452. 00:19:08,105 --> 00:19:11,525
  1453. I'd like someone already in there
  1454. before I get in there waiting...
  1455.  
  1456. 324
  1457. 00:19:12,401 --> 00:19:13,401
  1458. listening.
  1459.  
  1460. 325
  1461. 00:19:13,569 --> 00:19:15,571
  1462. [crowd laughs]
  1463.  
  1464. 326
  1465. 00:19:31,504 --> 00:19:33,589
  1466. The bathroom attendant
  1467. used to be a simple thing.
  1468.  
  1469. 327
  1470. 00:19:33,673 --> 00:19:36,717
  1471. There was a woman in there
  1472. and there was a hair brush and some mints
  1473.  
  1474. 328
  1475. 00:19:36,801 --> 00:19:39,220
  1476. by the way, who's using that hairbrush?
  1477. That's...
  1478.  
  1479. 329
  1480. 00:19:40,304 --> 00:19:42,181
  1481. There's hair in it already
  1482. and you just...
  1483.  
  1484. 330
  1485. 00:19:54,527 --> 00:19:56,153
  1486. Now, it's like, it's grown.
  1487.  
  1488. 331
  1489. 00:19:56,237 --> 00:19:59,117
  1490. It's like, now, there's anything
  1491. you could possibly want in the bathroom.
  1492.  
  1493. 332
  1494. 00:19:59,156 --> 00:20:00,950
  1495. It's like, a whole bodega
  1496. is set up in there.
  1497.  
  1498. 333
  1499. 00:20:01,033 --> 00:20:03,244
  1500. There's like...
  1501. There is a make-up display
  1502.  
  1503. 334
  1504. 00:20:03,327 --> 00:20:06,789
  1505. there's is a curling iron,
  1506. hair extensions
  1507.  
  1508. 335
  1509. 00:20:08,332 --> 00:20:09,542
  1510. crudités
  1511.  
  1512. 336
  1513. 00:20:11,252 --> 00:20:13,963
  1514. Oh, are those strawberries in season?
  1515. Those look good.
  1516.  
  1517. 337
  1518. 00:20:17,049 --> 00:20:18,929
  1519. You leave the bathroom
  1520. to go back to your table.
  1521.  
  1522. 338
  1523. 00:20:18,968 --> 00:20:20,886
  1524. "I'm full, I ate in the bathroom.
  1525.  
  1526. 339
  1527. 00:20:21,429 --> 00:20:22,805
  1528. I don't need anything.
  1529.  
  1530. 340
  1531. 00:20:24,140 --> 00:20:25,766
  1532. Oh, and the hummus was good."
  1533.  
  1534. 341
  1535. 00:20:30,688 --> 00:20:33,107
  1536. If I go in there
  1537. and if I don't have any money on me
  1538.  
  1539. 342
  1540. 00:20:33,190 --> 00:20:35,192
  1541. and they're trying to hand me the towel
  1542.  
  1543. 343
  1544. 00:20:35,276 --> 00:20:36,694
  1545. I feel like: "No, thank you.
  1546.  
  1547. 344
  1548. 00:20:36,777 --> 00:20:37,778
  1549. I can't... No.
  1550.  
  1551. 345
  1552. 00:20:38,320 --> 00:20:39,196
  1553. I don't... No.
  1554.  
  1555. 346
  1556. 00:20:39,280 --> 00:20:41,532
  1557. I don't deserve it,
  1558. give it to the lady there.
  1559.  
  1560. 347
  1561. 00:20:42,241 --> 00:20:43,951
  1562. No, thank you. I'm good."
  1563.  
  1564. 348
  1565. 00:20:44,285 --> 00:20:46,287
  1566. [crowd claps]
  1567.  
  1568. 349
  1569. 00:20:48,497 --> 00:20:50,897
  1570. That's a job, there are so many jobs
  1571. when you think about it.
  1572.  
  1573. 350
  1574. 00:20:50,958 --> 00:20:52,835
  1575. There are so many different types of jobs.
  1576.  
  1577. 351
  1578. 00:20:52,918 --> 00:20:53,794
  1579. I like my job.
  1580.  
  1581. 352
  1582. 00:20:53,878 --> 00:20:56,380
  1583. I have a good job.
  1584. I... a few years ago
  1585.  
  1586. 353
  1587. 00:20:56,464 --> 00:20:59,550
  1588. I started ending my show by saying:
  1589. "Be kind to one another."
  1590.  
  1591. 354
  1592. 00:20:59,967 --> 00:21:00,968
  1593. And...
  1594.  
  1595. 355
  1596. 00:21:01,051 --> 00:21:03,053
  1597. [crowd cheers]
  1598.  
  1599. 356
  1600. 00:21:09,852 --> 00:21:11,645
  1601. Yeah, that's what I thought. But...
  1602.  
  1603. 357
  1604. 00:21:13,898 --> 00:21:17,359
  1605. And it's a wonderful thing, it is,
  1606. but here's the downside
  1607.  
  1608. 358
  1609. 00:21:18,235 --> 00:21:21,906
  1610. I can never do anything unkind,
  1611. ever now, ever.
  1612.  
  1613. 359
  1614. 00:21:22,448 --> 00:21:23,699
  1615. I'm the be-kind girl.
  1616.  
  1617. 360
  1618. 00:21:23,949 --> 00:21:24,949
  1619. I'm...
  1620.  
  1621. 361
  1622. 00:21:25,242 --> 00:21:26,869
  1623. And I'm kind, I'm a good person.
  1624.  
  1625. 362
  1626. 00:21:26,952 --> 00:21:29,288
  1627. I know I am, but I'm a human being
  1628. and I have bad days
  1629.  
  1630. 363
  1631. 00:21:29,371 --> 00:21:32,333
  1632. and I'm in traffic like you, I drive
  1633.  
  1634. 364
  1635. 00:21:32,541 --> 00:21:35,669
  1636. but I can't do the things you do
  1637. because I'm the be-kind girl.
  1638.  
  1639. 365
  1640. 00:21:35,961 --> 00:21:36,961
  1641. You know.
  1642.  
  1643. 366
  1644. 00:21:38,339 --> 00:21:42,009
  1645. I mean, if someone does something rude
  1646. in traffic to you, you can honk...
  1647.  
  1648. 367
  1649. 00:21:42,092 --> 00:21:44,762
  1650. and let them know
  1651. your disapproval and I...
  1652.  
  1653. 368
  1654. 00:21:44,929 --> 00:21:46,449
  1655. I shouldn't even have a horn
  1656. in my car.
  1657.  
  1658. 369
  1659. 00:21:46,514 --> 00:21:48,224
  1660. There's no reason for me
  1661. to have a horn.
  1662.  
  1663. 370
  1664. 00:21:48,390 --> 00:21:50,184
  1665. I can't honk ever at anyone.
  1666.  
  1667. 371
  1668. 00:21:50,267 --> 00:21:52,937
  1669. Like, if someone cuts me off
  1670. in a dangerous way
  1671.  
  1672. 372
  1673. 00:21:53,020 --> 00:21:54,980
  1674. if I honk, they are like: "Ellen?"
  1675.  
  1676. 373
  1677. 00:21:55,523 --> 00:21:57,525
  1678. [crowd laughs]
  1679.  
  1680. 374
  1681. 00:22:03,322 --> 00:22:05,324
  1682. [crowd laughs and claps]
  1683.  
  1684. 375
  1685. 00:22:13,582 --> 00:22:15,000
  1686. Yeah, that and the dancing.
  1687.  
  1688. 376
  1689. 00:22:15,084 --> 00:22:16,710
  1690. That was a mistake, too.
  1691. That...
  1692.  
  1693. 377
  1694. 00:22:22,716 --> 00:22:23,801
  1695. I'm not a dancer.
  1696.  
  1697. 378
  1698. 00:22:23,884 --> 00:22:25,594
  1699. I just danced as a joke.
  1700.  
  1701. 379
  1702. 00:22:26,470 --> 00:22:29,056
  1703. And then I danced
  1704. the second day too good
  1705.  
  1706. 380
  1707. 00:22:29,181 --> 00:22:32,268
  1708. and then the third...
  1709. And I was locked in, I was the dancer.
  1710.  
  1711. 381
  1712. 00:22:33,435 --> 00:22:34,270
  1713. Like, I mean
  1714.  
  1715. 382
  1716. 00:22:34,353 --> 00:22:38,023
  1717. Baryshnikov doesn't get asked to dance
  1718. as much as I get asked to dance.
  1719.  
  1720. 383
  1721. 00:22:39,608 --> 00:22:41,920
  1722. People see me, whenever they see me
  1723. anywhere, they're like:
  1724.  
  1725. 384
  1726. 00:22:41,944 --> 00:22:43,487
  1727. "Dance Ellen, dance."
  1728.  
  1729. 385
  1730. 00:22:43,946 --> 00:22:44,947
  1731. And I'm like...
  1732.  
  1733. 386
  1734. 00:22:46,532 --> 00:22:49,118
  1735. "I'm getting a mammogram.
  1736. I can't move right now.
  1737.  
  1738. 387
  1739. 00:22:49,618 --> 00:22:51,620
  1740. [crowd laughs]
  1741.  
  1742. 388
  1743. 00:22:57,001 --> 00:22:59,003
  1744. How did you get in here, anyway?"
  1745.  
  1746. 389
  1747. 00:23:07,845 --> 00:23:08,679
  1748. Yeah, I can't...
  1749.  
  1750. 390
  1751. 00:23:08,762 --> 00:23:10,347
  1752. When I'm in traffic, here's the thing.
  1753.  
  1754. 391
  1755. 00:23:10,431 --> 00:23:12,933
  1756. I love to drive and I like to drive fast
  1757.  
  1758. 392
  1759. 00:23:13,017 --> 00:23:16,854
  1760. and I'm safe, but I do like to go fast
  1761. and so slow drivers...
  1762.  
  1763. 393
  1764. 00:23:17,187 --> 00:23:21,275
  1765. irritate me, because they're going so slow
  1766. and let's be honest.
  1767.  
  1768. 394
  1769. 00:23:21,358 --> 00:23:22,985
  1770. It's usually a Prius, isn't it?
  1771.  
  1772. 395
  1773. 00:23:23,152 --> 00:23:25,154
  1774. [crowd claps]
  1775.  
  1776. 396
  1777. 00:23:31,785 --> 00:23:34,246
  1778. They've got the "coexist" bumper sticker
  1779. on the back
  1780.  
  1781. 397
  1782. 00:23:36,332 --> 00:23:38,167
  1783. listening to NPR
  1784.  
  1785. 398
  1786. 00:23:39,585 --> 00:23:41,170
  1787. knitting a hemp scarf...
  1788.  
  1789. 399
  1790. 00:23:46,216 --> 00:23:49,261
  1791. If I see a Prius going fast, I'm like:
  1792. "Good for you!"
  1793.  
  1794. 400
  1795. 00:23:58,020 --> 00:24:00,481
  1796. I don't know why it is.
  1797. Whenever we pass someone going slow
  1798.  
  1799. 401
  1800. 00:24:00,564 --> 00:24:03,317
  1801. we have to see what they look like.
  1802. We're always like...
  1803.  
  1804. 402
  1805. 00:24:05,110 --> 00:24:06,737
  1806. "That's what you look like.
  1807.  
  1808. 403
  1809. 00:24:10,449 --> 00:24:11,867
  1810. I thought so, I thought..."
  1811.  
  1812. 404
  1813. 00:24:12,034 --> 00:24:14,036
  1814. [crowd laughs]
  1815.  
  1816. 405
  1817. 00:24:22,920 --> 00:24:26,840
  1818. There's nothing more embarrassing
  1819. than when you pass up a slow driver
  1820.  
  1821. 406
  1822. 00:24:26,924 --> 00:24:29,802
  1823. to show them the proper way of driving.
  1824. You go around them
  1825.  
  1826. 407
  1827. 00:24:29,885 --> 00:24:32,221
  1828. and show them how they should be driving
  1829.  
  1830. 408
  1831. 00:24:32,304 --> 00:24:33,806
  1832. and then you hit a red light.
  1833.  
  1834. 409
  1835. 00:24:35,516 --> 00:24:39,603
  1836. And you're watching them slowly creep up
  1837. in your rearview mirror, and you're just:
  1838.  
  1839. 410
  1840. 00:24:40,646 --> 00:24:43,273
  1841. "Please, change. Please, change.
  1842. Please, change."
  1843.  
  1844. 411
  1845. 00:24:43,941 --> 00:24:47,695
  1846. And the light doesn't change
  1847. so they just creep up alongside of you.
  1848.  
  1849. 412
  1850. 00:24:49,029 --> 00:24:51,365
  1851. "I'm just gonna look down here
  1852. and touch that.
  1853.  
  1854. 413
  1855. 00:24:51,991 --> 00:24:54,493
  1856. I'm gonna see what that is,
  1857. right there, with that
  1858.  
  1859. 414
  1860. 00:24:54,576 --> 00:24:56,870
  1861. because I have to see this and...
  1862.  
  1863. 415
  1864. 00:24:56,954 --> 00:25:00,874
  1865. No, I know you're next to me but you're
  1866. still wrong, even though you caught up.
  1867.  
  1868. 416
  1869. 00:25:01,917 --> 00:25:04,878
  1870. And I'm gonna do that with my finger
  1871. for a while because..."
  1872.  
  1873. 417
  1874. 00:25:04,962 --> 00:25:06,964
  1875. [crowd laughs and claps]
  1876.  
  1877. 418
  1878. 00:25:13,387 --> 00:25:16,265
  1879. I don't wanna judge. You don't know
  1880. why someone's going slow.
  1881.  
  1882. 419
  1883. 00:25:16,348 --> 00:25:19,309
  1884. You have no idea.
  1885. Maybe they're transporting a bowl of soup.
  1886.  
  1887. 420
  1888. 00:25:19,476 --> 00:25:21,311
  1889. I don't know, you know.
  1890.  
  1891. 421
  1892. 00:25:29,361 --> 00:25:32,364
  1893. I really don't like to judge,
  1894. except for people who say "libary".
  1895.  
  1896. 422
  1897. 00:25:32,448 --> 00:25:33,448
  1898. Then I do.
  1899.  
  1900. 423
  1901. 00:25:35,617 --> 00:25:36,702
  1902. "Libary"...
  1903.  
  1904. 424
  1905. 00:25:36,785 --> 00:25:38,078
  1906. Really?
  1907.  
  1908. 425
  1909. 00:25:38,162 --> 00:25:39,162
  1910. OK.
  1911.  
  1912. 426
  1913. 00:25:40,622 --> 00:25:42,082
  1914. The place with all the words?
  1915.  
  1916. 427
  1917. 00:25:42,958 --> 00:25:43,958
  1918. OK...
  1919.  
  1920. 428
  1921. 00:25:44,418 --> 00:25:46,670
  1922. You know what word's not in there?
  1923. "Libary".
  1924.  
  1925. 429
  1926. 00:25:46,795 --> 00:25:48,047
  1927. [crowd laughs]
  1928.  
  1929. 430
  1930. 00:25:55,846 --> 00:25:57,246
  1931. No, I don't like to judge 'cause...
  1932.  
  1933. 431
  1934. 00:25:57,306 --> 00:25:59,933
  1935. I do stupid things, we all do...
  1936. Everyone does stupid things.
  1937.  
  1938. 432
  1939. 00:26:00,017 --> 00:26:02,144
  1940. But the difference is,
  1941. when you do something stupid
  1942.  
  1943. 433
  1944. 00:26:02,227 --> 00:26:04,521
  1945. you're just a person someone saw
  1946. doing something stupid.
  1947.  
  1948. 434
  1949. 00:26:04,605 --> 00:26:06,899
  1950. When I do something stupid,
  1951. it's a story.
  1952.  
  1953. 435
  1954. 00:26:06,982 --> 00:26:10,527
  1955. I went to a gas station
  1956. to put gas in my car
  1957.  
  1958. 436
  1959. 00:26:10,611 --> 00:26:13,572
  1960. And there's a group of teenage boys
  1961. across the way and they're like...
  1962.  
  1963. 437
  1964. 00:26:13,655 --> 00:26:14,531
  1965. really cool.
  1966.  
  1967. 438
  1968. 00:26:14,615 --> 00:26:16,658
  1969. They were vaping and...
  1970.  
  1971. 439
  1972. 00:26:21,246 --> 00:26:23,446
  1973. And they were like:
  1974. "It's Ellen, oh my God, it's Ellen."
  1975.  
  1976. 440
  1977. 00:26:23,499 --> 00:26:24,499
  1978. And I'm like...
  1979.  
  1980. 441
  1981. 00:26:25,000 --> 00:26:27,002
  1982. [crowd laughs]
  1983.  
  1984. 442
  1985. 00:26:42,142 --> 00:26:43,142
  1986. and...
  1987.  
  1988. 443
  1989. 00:26:43,811 --> 00:26:47,481
  1990. then I realized I pulled up,
  1991. and the gas pump was over here
  1992.  
  1993. 444
  1994. 00:26:48,941 --> 00:26:51,777
  1995. and my tank was back here,
  1996. on this side of the car.
  1997.  
  1998. 445
  1999. 00:26:56,240 --> 00:26:59,451
  2000. They're looking at me,
  2001. and I'm looking at them and...
  2002.  
  2003. 446
  2004. 00:26:59,743 --> 00:27:01,286
  2005. I get back in the car...
  2006.  
  2007. 447
  2008. 00:27:02,121 --> 00:27:03,330
  2009. and I pull around.
  2010.  
  2011. 448
  2012. 00:27:06,708 --> 00:27:08,585
  2013. Now, it's still on the wrong side...
  2014.  
  2015. 449
  2016. 00:27:10,295 --> 00:27:12,005
  2017. because I've just pulled around.
  2018.  
  2019. 450
  2020. 00:27:16,844 --> 00:27:18,554
  2021. And they're still looking at me...
  2022.  
  2023. 451
  2024. 00:27:20,097 --> 00:27:22,017
  2025. And I'm like:
  2026. "I don't wanna look like an idiot."
  2027.  
  2028. 452
  2029. 00:27:22,224 --> 00:27:24,184
  2030. So, I just filled up the back seat.
  2031.  
  2032. 453
  2033. 00:27:24,268 --> 00:27:25,102
  2034. I just...
  2035.  
  2036. 454
  2037. 00:27:25,185 --> 00:27:27,187
  2038. [crowd claps]
  2039.  
  2040. 455
  2041. 00:27:30,858 --> 00:27:32,693
  2042. I'll buy a new car, I don't care.
  2043.  
  2044. 456
  2045. 00:27:32,776 --> 00:27:34,778
  2046. [crowd laughs]
  2047.  
  2048. 457
  2049. 00:27:36,238 --> 00:27:38,240
  2050. [claps]
  2051.  
  2052. 458
  2053. 00:27:44,454 --> 00:27:46,915
  2054. I don't have that many
  2055. childhood memories.
  2056.  
  2057. 459
  2058. 00:27:46,999 --> 00:27:49,459
  2059. And I think because my mother told me
  2060. she was rocking me
  2061.  
  2062. 460
  2063. 00:27:49,543 --> 00:27:52,671
  2064. when I was a little baby
  2065. and we went over backwards and...
  2066.  
  2067. 461
  2068. 00:27:53,338 --> 00:27:56,300
  2069. I thought, how fast
  2070. do you have to be rocking...
  2071.  
  2072. 462
  2073. 00:27:56,383 --> 00:27:57,718
  2074. a baby?
  2075.  
  2076. 463
  2077. 00:27:59,136 --> 00:28:01,263
  2078. How is that soothing for either of us?
  2079.  
  2080. 464
  2081. 00:28:07,144 --> 00:28:10,272
  2082. She said she held my head.
  2083. I don't think she did. She...
  2084.  
  2085. 465
  2086. 00:28:11,356 --> 00:28:13,775
  2087. And she has no memory either.
  2088. I think we both hit our heads.
  2089.  
  2090. 466
  2091. 00:28:13,859 --> 00:28:14,859
  2092. I'm not sure.
  2093.  
  2094. 467
  2095. 00:28:16,153 --> 00:28:18,155
  2096. But the only memory,
  2097. I have a couple of memories
  2098.  
  2099. 468
  2100. 00:28:18,238 --> 00:28:21,158
  2101. when we would go to a gas station
  2102. when I was a little girl.
  2103.  
  2104. 469
  2105. 00:28:21,241 --> 00:28:24,286
  2106. My dad would only get
  2107. a dollar's worth of gas, all the time.
  2108.  
  2109. 470
  2110. 00:28:24,453 --> 00:28:26,788
  2111. Every time we'd go get
  2112. a dollar's worth of gas
  2113.  
  2114. 471
  2115. 00:28:26,872 --> 00:28:28,790
  2116. so I'm like:
  2117. "Just fill it up once, just..."
  2118.  
  2119. 472
  2120. 00:28:28,874 --> 00:28:31,043
  2121. And I look back now
  2122. and I'm like: "Oh, we were poor."
  2123.  
  2124. 473
  2125. 00:28:31,126 --> 00:28:32,211
  2126. That's why. He had...
  2127.  
  2128. 474
  2129. 00:28:32,628 --> 00:28:33,670
  2130. only a dollar.
  2131.  
  2132. 475
  2133. 00:28:34,129 --> 00:28:35,129
  2134. Makes sense now.
  2135.  
  2136. 476
  2137. 00:28:36,465 --> 00:28:38,842
  2138. I was raised in New Orleans and...
  2139.  
  2140. 477
  2141. 00:28:39,051 --> 00:28:40,051
  2142. we...
  2143.  
  2144. 478
  2145. 00:28:40,719 --> 00:28:45,849
  2146. It's a wonderful place to grow up
  2147. and I was raised Christian Science.
  2148.  
  2149. 479
  2150. 00:28:45,933 --> 00:28:47,053
  2151. That was a religion we were.
  2152.  
  2153. 480
  2154. 00:28:47,100 --> 00:28:49,394
  2155. And if you don't know Christian Science,
  2156. it is a religion
  2157.  
  2158. 481
  2159. 00:28:49,478 --> 00:28:51,563
  2160. that does not believe in doctors
  2161. or medicine.
  2162.  
  2163. 482
  2164. 00:28:51,688 --> 00:28:55,400
  2165. So my entire childhood, I never had
  2166. a vaccination, never had any medicine.
  2167.  
  2168. 483
  2169. 00:28:55,651 --> 00:28:58,946
  2170. They believe we are spiritual beings
  2171. having a material experience
  2172.  
  2173. 484
  2174. 00:28:59,029 --> 00:29:03,617
  2175. in the material world and the mantra
  2176. that they say is: "Know the truth."
  2177.  
  2178. 485
  2179. 00:29:03,700 --> 00:29:08,080
  2180. And the truth is, there is no pain
  2181. unless you give it pain with your mind.
  2182.  
  2183. 486
  2184. 00:29:08,789 --> 00:29:09,789
  2185. I was 10 years old.
  2186.  
  2187. 487
  2188. 00:29:09,831 --> 00:29:13,210
  2189. I split my knee open
  2190. and my bone was exposed.
  2191.  
  2192. 488
  2193. 00:29:13,627 --> 00:29:16,546
  2194. And my dad told me
  2195. to "know the truth" and I said:
  2196.  
  2197. 489
  2198. 00:29:16,630 --> 00:29:17,630
  2199. "Well...
  2200.  
  2201. 490
  2202. 00:29:17,673 --> 00:29:18,674
  2203. the truth is...
  2204.  
  2205. 491
  2206. 00:29:22,552 --> 00:29:24,596
  2207. My bone is exposing its...
  2208.  
  2209. 492
  2210. 00:29:25,764 --> 00:29:28,433
  2211. material-self to the material world.
  2212.  
  2213. 493
  2214. 00:29:30,394 --> 00:29:31,394
  2215. Help me."
  2216.  
  2217. 494
  2218. 00:29:32,229 --> 00:29:33,355
  2219. And then I passed out.
  2220.  
  2221. 495
  2222. 00:29:37,859 --> 00:29:40,404
  2223. Yeah, we never had a vaccination,
  2224. never had...
  2225.  
  2226. 496
  2227. 00:29:40,487 --> 00:29:42,781
  2228. But they even kept, like, medicine...
  2229.  
  2230. 497
  2231. 00:29:42,864 --> 00:29:44,491
  2232. I didn't know anything about medicine.
  2233.  
  2234. 498
  2235. 00:29:44,574 --> 00:29:46,761
  2236. It's amazing, we were poor
  2237. 'cause we never had medicine.
  2238.  
  2239. 499
  2240. 00:29:46,785 --> 00:29:49,288
  2241. We never bought anything.
  2242. We should've saved a fortune on that.
  2243.  
  2244. 500
  2245. 00:29:49,454 --> 00:29:50,454
  2246. But...
  2247.  
  2248. 501
  2249. 00:29:50,998 --> 00:29:53,667
  2250. my grandmother lived with us
  2251. when I was a little girl
  2252.  
  2253. 502
  2254. 00:29:53,750 --> 00:29:56,378
  2255. and if an Aspirin commercial
  2256. came on the air
  2257.  
  2258. 503
  2259. 00:29:56,461 --> 00:29:58,672
  2260. she would get up from the sofa,
  2261. go to the TV
  2262.  
  2263. 504
  2264. 00:29:58,755 --> 00:30:02,342
  2265. turn it down, stand in front of it
  2266. and hum a hymn really loudly like...
  2267.  
  2268. 505
  2269. 00:30:02,759 --> 00:30:06,888
  2270. [Ellen hums a hymn]
  2271.  
  2272. 506
  2273. 00:30:07,931 --> 00:30:11,059
  2274. So you can imagine my fascination
  2275. with Aspirin when I was a little girl.
  2276.  
  2277. 507
  2278. 00:30:11,143 --> 00:30:12,143
  2279. Like...
  2280.  
  2281. 508
  2282. 00:30:12,686 --> 00:30:14,104
  2283. "What is Aspirin?
  2284.  
  2285. 509
  2286. 00:30:16,523 --> 00:30:17,774
  2287. What is happening?"
  2288.  
  2289. 510
  2290. 00:30:21,486 --> 00:30:23,447
  2291. Oh my God, it was just like...
  2292.  
  2293. 511
  2294. 00:30:23,530 --> 00:30:26,742
  2295. I mean, we'd be in the car,
  2296. driving past the drugstore
  2297.  
  2298. 512
  2299. 00:30:26,825 --> 00:30:29,369
  2300. and I'd be like:
  2301. "I'm gonna get Aspirin someday."
  2302.  
  2303. 513
  2304. 00:30:35,834 --> 00:30:37,544
  2305. My parents divorced when I was 13.
  2306.  
  2307. 514
  2308. 00:30:37,627 --> 00:30:40,088
  2309. I went through
  2310. sort of a bad girl phase, I was...
  2311.  
  2312. 515
  2313. 00:30:40,547 --> 00:30:42,090
  2314. on Aspirin.
  2315. One, two a day.
  2316.  
  2317. 516
  2318. 00:30:42,215 --> 00:30:43,258
  2319. I was like...
  2320.  
  2321. 517
  2322. 00:30:43,342 --> 00:30:44,843
  2323. [crowd laughs]
  2324.  
  2325. 518
  2326. 00:30:44,968 --> 00:30:46,094
  2327. I was on Aspirin a lot.
  2328.  
  2329. 519
  2330. 00:30:51,725 --> 00:30:54,311
  2331. My parents were obsessed
  2332. with celebrities
  2333.  
  2334. 520
  2335. 00:30:54,394 --> 00:30:56,188
  2336. and so, hi, here I am.
  2337.  
  2338. 521
  2339. 00:30:58,648 --> 00:31:02,611
  2340. Yeah, they really made it known that
  2341. celebrities wear something and...
  2342.  
  2343. 522
  2344. 00:31:02,694 --> 00:31:04,988
  2345. I remember, Charlton Heston
  2346. came to town
  2347.  
  2348. 523
  2349. 00:31:05,072 --> 00:31:08,450
  2350. and I was four years old
  2351. and everybody was crowding around
  2352.  
  2353. 524
  2354. 00:31:08,533 --> 00:31:10,827
  2355. trying to get a good look
  2356. at Charlton Heston.
  2357.  
  2358. 525
  2359. 00:31:10,911 --> 00:31:14,247
  2360. And my dad put me on his shoulders
  2361. to get a better look at him
  2362.  
  2363. 526
  2364. 00:31:14,331 --> 00:31:17,084
  2365. 'cause you know
  2366. how four-year-olds love Charlton Heston.
  2367.  
  2368. 527
  2369. 00:31:22,047 --> 00:31:24,299
  2370. He was using me as bait, hoping
  2371. that Charlton would go:
  2372.  
  2373. 528
  2374. 00:31:24,383 --> 00:31:26,760
  2375. "Oh, cute little girl."
  2376. And come over, you know.
  2377.  
  2378. 529
  2379. 00:31:26,843 --> 00:31:30,180
  2380. 'Cause people do that to me. If I'm out
  2381. somewhere and people have a baby
  2382.  
  2383. 530
  2384. 00:31:30,263 --> 00:31:31,848
  2385. They'll hold it out towards me
  2386.  
  2387. 531
  2388. 00:31:31,932 --> 00:31:34,559
  2389. like, for me to hold it and I'm like:
  2390. "This is cashmere, no."
  2391.  
  2392. 532
  2393. 00:31:35,102 --> 00:31:37,104
  2394. [crowd laughs]
  2395.  
  2396. 533
  2397. 00:31:38,397 --> 00:31:40,399
  2398. [claps]
  2399.  
  2400. 534
  2401. 00:31:49,449 --> 00:31:51,677
  2402. But you know, so then I grew up going:
  2403. "Oh, celebrities!"
  2404.  
  2405. 535
  2406. 00:31:51,701 --> 00:31:54,579
  2407. I guess, everybody's like that
  2408. but like, I mean, I was 16.
  2409.  
  2410. 536
  2411. 00:31:54,663 --> 00:31:57,290
  2412. I was younger than that I think
  2413. Michael Jackson was in New Orleans
  2414.  
  2415. 537
  2416. 00:31:57,374 --> 00:32:00,585
  2417. and I was so... I heard where he was,
  2418. that what street he was on
  2419.  
  2420. 538
  2421. 00:32:00,669 --> 00:32:02,754
  2422. and so, I chased, I didn't chase.
  2423.  
  2424. 539
  2425. 00:32:02,838 --> 00:32:06,258
  2426. I was walking, he was walking,
  2427. he started running, I had to catch up.
  2428.  
  2429. 540
  2430. 00:32:06,341 --> 00:32:07,217
  2431. And...
  2432.  
  2433. 541
  2434. 00:32:07,342 --> 00:32:09,344
  2435. [crowd laughs]
  2436.  
  2437. 542
  2438. 00:32:13,348 --> 00:32:15,100
  2439. So I was excited by celebrities.
  2440.  
  2441. 543
  2442. 00:32:15,183 --> 00:32:18,145
  2443. I was really like, you know,
  2444. and like I said...
  2445.  
  2446. 544
  2447. 00:32:18,228 --> 00:32:20,308
  2448. Do you wanna finish laughing?
  2449. I don't wanna stop you.
  2450.  
  2451. 545
  2452. 00:32:20,397 --> 00:32:22,399
  2453. [crowd laughs]
  2454.  
  2455. 546
  2456. 00:32:24,776 --> 00:32:25,776
  2457. Hm.
  2458.  
  2459. 547
  2460. 00:32:29,322 --> 00:32:32,325
  2461. But I really, you know,
  2462. as much as that was an imprint
  2463.  
  2464. 548
  2465. 00:32:32,409 --> 00:32:36,371
  2466. that celebrities were special
  2467. and, you know, I knew that
  2468.  
  2469. 549
  2470. 00:32:36,455 --> 00:32:38,135
  2471. I didn't think I was gonna be a celebrity.
  2472.  
  2473. 550
  2474. 00:32:38,165 --> 00:32:40,250
  2475. I didn't have a talent,
  2476. I didn't play an instrument
  2477.  
  2478. 551
  2479. 00:32:40,333 --> 00:32:43,253
  2480. I didn't sing, I wasn't in drama class,
  2481. I didn't act
  2482.  
  2483. 552
  2484. 00:32:43,336 --> 00:32:44,838
  2485. I wasn't a class clown
  2486.  
  2487. 553
  2488. 00:32:44,921 --> 00:32:47,257
  2489. I was just kind of a regular kid.
  2490.  
  2491. 554
  2492. 00:32:47,340 --> 00:32:50,594
  2493. And I didn't know what I was gonna do.
  2494. I graduated high school
  2495.  
  2496. 555
  2497. 00:32:50,677 --> 00:32:51,553
  2498. I'm still lost
  2499.  
  2500. 556
  2501. 00:32:51,636 --> 00:32:54,431
  2502. I just was doing anything
  2503. to pay rent and...
  2504.  
  2505. 557
  2506. 00:32:54,514 --> 00:32:56,892
  2507. I shucked oysters,
  2508. and I sold vacuum cleaners
  2509.  
  2510. 558
  2511. 00:32:57,017 --> 00:32:58,977
  2512. and I worked
  2513. for a landscaping company
  2514.  
  2515. 559
  2516. 00:32:59,060 --> 00:33:00,729
  2517. I was a waiter, which by the way
  2518.  
  2519. 560
  2520. 00:33:00,812 --> 00:33:03,565
  2521. I think everyone should wait tables
  2522. at least once in their life.
  2523.  
  2524. 561
  2525. 00:33:03,732 --> 00:33:05,734
  2526. [crowd cheers]
  2527.  
  2528. 562
  2529. 00:33:08,737 --> 00:33:09,737
  2530. Yep.
  2531.  
  2532. 563
  2533. 00:33:11,531 --> 00:33:14,201
  2534. That and coal mining
  2535. 'cause that seems hard, too.
  2536.  
  2537. 564
  2538. 00:33:16,912 --> 00:33:19,789
  2539. But I didn't know what I was gonna do
  2540. and my life changed
  2541.  
  2542. 565
  2543. 00:33:19,873 --> 00:33:23,251
  2544. when I was 21 years old
  2545. and my girlfriend at the time
  2546.  
  2547. 566
  2548. 00:33:23,335 --> 00:33:24,753
  2549. was killed in a car accident
  2550.  
  2551. 567
  2552. 00:33:25,003 --> 00:33:27,631
  2553. And I passed the accident.,
  2554. it had just happened.
  2555.  
  2556. 568
  2557. 00:33:27,714 --> 00:33:30,175
  2558. I didn't know it was her
  2559. 'cause she was in a different car.
  2560.  
  2561. 569
  2562. 00:33:30,258 --> 00:33:33,345
  2563. I almost stopped
  2564. but then sirens were right behind me
  2565.  
  2566. 570
  2567. 00:33:33,428 --> 00:33:36,598
  2568. and showing up so I kept going
  2569. and I found out later it was her.
  2570.  
  2571. 571
  2572. 00:33:36,723 --> 00:33:38,558
  2573. And... so...
  2574.  
  2575. 572
  2576. 00:33:38,642 --> 00:33:41,186
  2577. I had to move out of the...
  2578. place we were living
  2579.  
  2580. 573
  2581. 00:33:41,269 --> 00:33:43,109
  2582. 'cause I couldn't afford
  2583. to live there anymore.
  2584.  
  2585. 574
  2586. 00:33:43,146 --> 00:33:45,690
  2587. I had no job, I had no car, no money.
  2588.  
  2589. 575
  2590. 00:33:45,774 --> 00:33:48,318
  2591. I moved into this
  2592. tiny basement apartment
  2593.  
  2594. 576
  2595. 00:33:48,401 --> 00:33:51,696
  2596. and you could hardly stand up in it.
  2597. It was two rooms and...
  2598.  
  2599. 577
  2600. 00:33:52,364 --> 00:33:53,949
  2601. I had a mattress on the floor
  2602.  
  2603. 578
  2604. 00:33:54,324 --> 00:33:57,118
  2605. and the entire basement
  2606. was infested with fleas.
  2607.  
  2608. 579
  2609. 00:33:57,202 --> 00:33:58,495
  2610. There were fleas everywhere.
  2611.  
  2612. 580
  2613. 00:33:59,246 --> 00:34:02,666
  2614. And I was laying there
  2615. and I just couldn't believe...
  2616.  
  2617. 581
  2618. 00:34:02,749 --> 00:34:05,502
  2619. It was the first person I ever lost
  2620. that I loved
  2621.  
  2622. 582
  2623. 00:34:05,585 --> 00:34:10,799
  2624. I was just... how is this possible?
  2625. This beautiful young girl is gone
  2626.  
  2627. 583
  2628. 00:34:10,882 --> 00:34:11,716
  2629. and fleas are here.
  2630.  
  2631. 584
  2632. 00:34:11,800 --> 00:34:13,093
  2633. I don't understand...
  2634.  
  2635. 585
  2636. 00:34:13,843 --> 00:34:17,681
  2637. what fleas do even.
  2638. I was so angry at fleas and I was like...
  2639.  
  2640. 586
  2641. 00:34:17,764 --> 00:34:21,226
  2642. And I just thought they must do something
  2643. because I do truly believe
  2644.  
  2645. 587
  2646. 00:34:21,309 --> 00:34:23,311
  2647. that everything in nature
  2648. works together.
  2649.  
  2650. 588
  2651. 00:34:23,395 --> 00:34:26,815
  2652. Even if we don't understand it,
  2653. it does something for something else.
  2654.  
  2655. 589
  2656. 00:34:26,898 --> 00:34:28,233
  2657. And I wanted to understand this.
  2658.  
  2659. 590
  2660. 00:34:28,316 --> 00:34:31,152
  2661. And I thought I would like to talk to God,
  2662. not just pray
  2663.  
  2664. 591
  2665. 00:34:31,236 --> 00:34:33,822
  2666. but I would love to be able to pick up
  2667. the phone and call up God
  2668.  
  2669. 592
  2670. 00:34:33,905 --> 00:34:35,991
  2671. and ask questions
  2672. and get the answers.
  2673.  
  2674. 593
  2675. 00:34:36,116 --> 00:34:39,077
  2676. 'Cause I used to write all the time.
  2677. I journaled and I wrote poetry.
  2678.  
  2679. 594
  2680. 00:34:39,202 --> 00:34:43,456
  2681. So I started writing what it would be like
  2682. to have a phone call with God
  2683.  
  2684. 595
  2685. 00:34:43,540 --> 00:34:45,292
  2686. to find out why fleas are here.
  2687.  
  2688. 596
  2689. 00:34:45,375 --> 00:34:47,002
  2690. and it wasn't meant to be funny.
  2691.  
  2692. 597
  2693. 00:34:47,085 --> 00:34:49,087
  2694. I'd never done comedy before and...
  2695.  
  2696. 598
  2697. 00:34:49,170 --> 00:34:51,631
  2698. but I started thinking,
  2699. well, it would ring for a long time
  2700.  
  2701. 599
  2702. 00:34:51,756 --> 00:34:54,092
  2703. it's a big place and then
  2704.  
  2705. 600
  2706. 00:34:54,175 --> 00:34:56,803
  2707. he'd put me on hold
  2708. because he's a busy guy and...
  2709.  
  2710. 601
  2711. 00:34:57,512 --> 00:35:01,266
  2712. Onward Christian Soldiers would play
  2713. but it was live, not a tape and...
  2714.  
  2715. 602
  2716. 00:35:02,976 --> 00:35:05,854
  2717. I'm not gonna do the whole thing.
  2718. Go back and watch the special but...
  2719.  
  2720. 603
  2721. 00:35:06,980 --> 00:35:08,565
  2722. Anyway, I finished writing it.
  2723.  
  2724. 604
  2725. 00:35:08,648 --> 00:35:11,192
  2726. I literally wrote without stopping,
  2727. I finished writing it
  2728.  
  2729. 605
  2730. 00:35:11,276 --> 00:35:13,945
  2731. and I read it and I said to myself:
  2732.  
  2733. 606
  2734. 00:35:14,112 --> 00:35:15,864
  2735. "I'm gonna do this on Johnny Carson
  2736.  
  2737. 607
  2738. 00:35:15,947 --> 00:35:18,116
  2739. and I'll be the first woman
  2740. in the history of the show
  2741.  
  2742. 608
  2743. 00:35:18,199 --> 00:35:20,952
  2744. to be called over to sit down
  2745. to talk to Johnny Carson."
  2746.  
  2747. 609
  2748. 00:35:21,328 --> 00:35:22,162
  2749. And...
  2750.  
  2751. 610
  2752. 00:35:22,287 --> 00:35:24,289
  2753. [crowd cheers]
  2754.  
  2755. 611
  2756. 00:35:25,040 --> 00:35:27,042
  2757. [claps]
  2758.  
  2759. 612
  2760. 00:35:30,670 --> 00:35:35,508
  2761. I mean, I'm in a basement on a mattress
  2762. with fleas, never done comedy.
  2763.  
  2764. 613
  2765. 00:35:35,675 --> 00:35:38,928
  2766. I make that statement,
  2767. six years later, this happens.
  2768.  
  2769. 614
  2770. 00:35:40,138 --> 00:35:41,681
  2771. Thank you very much!
  2772.  
  2773. 615
  2774. 00:35:41,890 --> 00:35:43,892
  2775. [background song playing]
  2776.  
  2777. 616
  2778. 00:35:55,070 --> 00:35:57,489
  2779. - That's well done!
  2780. - Thank you.
  2781.  
  2782. 617
  2783. 00:35:57,614 --> 00:36:01,117
  2784. Yeah, that's very clever
  2785. and very fresh, and..
  2786.  
  2787. 618
  2788. 00:36:01,660 --> 00:36:03,620
  2789. Well, that's wonderful
  2790. hearing that from you.
  2791.  
  2792. 619
  2793. 00:36:03,703 --> 00:36:05,163
  2794. No, I mean it, it's good material.
  2795.  
  2796. 620
  2797. 00:36:05,246 --> 00:36:07,207
  2798. - Thank you.
  2799. - How long you've been doing it?
  2800.  
  2801. 621
  2802. 00:36:07,374 --> 00:36:09,376
  2803. [crowd cheers]
  2804.  
  2805. 622
  2806. 00:36:10,627 --> 00:36:12,629
  2807. [claps]
  2808.  
  2809. 623
  2810. 00:36:15,382 --> 00:36:17,133
  2811. That was before I got my new voice.
  2812.  
  2813. 624
  2814. 00:36:17,217 --> 00:36:19,260
  2815. That was my first voice I had and...
  2816.  
  2817. 625
  2818. 00:36:22,889 --> 00:36:25,392
  2819. Sinbad dressed me for that, by the way.
  2820. That was...
  2821.  
  2822. 626
  2823. 00:36:31,022 --> 00:36:32,941
  2824. I wish that was a joke, but it's not.
  2825.  
  2826. 627
  2827. 00:36:34,984 --> 00:36:35,984
  2828. He did.
  2829.  
  2830. 628
  2831. 00:36:37,153 --> 00:36:42,325
  2832. So, now, that particular look,
  2833. the mullet, the outfit, everything
  2834.  
  2835. 629
  2836. 00:36:42,742 --> 00:36:45,495
  2837. is on the internet forever
  2838. and ever and ever.
  2839.  
  2840. 630
  2841. 00:36:45,829 --> 00:36:47,288
  2842. That's the thing about the internet
  2843.  
  2844. 631
  2845. 00:36:47,372 --> 00:36:49,999
  2846. and social media has changed
  2847. all of our lives.
  2848.  
  2849. 632
  2850. 00:36:50,083 --> 00:36:53,670
  2851. I mean social media is... I think there's
  2852. good things about it obviously
  2853.  
  2854. 633
  2855. 00:36:53,753 --> 00:36:56,631
  2856. and we can reach a lot of people
  2857. and the world is more connected now
  2858.  
  2859. 634
  2860. 00:36:56,715 --> 00:36:57,549
  2861. but...
  2862.  
  2863. 635
  2864. 00:36:57,674 --> 00:37:00,051
  2865. we don't talk anymore,
  2866. our phones never...
  2867.  
  2868. 636
  2869. 00:37:00,135 --> 00:37:03,346
  2870. if our cell phone rings...
  2871. "Who's calling me, who would...?"
  2872.  
  2873. 637
  2874. 00:37:03,596 --> 00:37:07,100
  2875. You know, I found, Portia and I,
  2876. on a Sunday afternoon.
  2877.  
  2878. 638
  2879. 00:37:07,183 --> 00:37:09,561
  2880. I'm laying on the sofa,
  2881. I have my phone.
  2882.  
  2883. 639
  2884. 00:37:09,644 --> 00:37:11,688
  2885. She's laying on the other sofa,
  2886. she has her phone
  2887.  
  2888. 640
  2889. 00:37:11,771 --> 00:37:14,524
  2890. and we were in that Instagram vortex
  2891. that you get stuck in
  2892.  
  2893. 641
  2894. 00:37:14,607 --> 00:37:16,568
  2895. and you just find
  2896. all these different things
  2897.  
  2898. 642
  2899. 00:37:16,651 --> 00:37:19,821
  2900. but instead of finding something cute
  2901. and sharing it and going over there
  2902.  
  2903. 643
  2904. 00:37:19,904 --> 00:37:22,073
  2905. and saying... Like she's four feet
  2906. away from me.
  2907.  
  2908. 644
  2909. 00:37:22,157 --> 00:37:26,077
  2910. We are just silently, without talking,
  2911. sending things back and forth...
  2912.  
  2913. 645
  2914. 00:37:27,829 --> 00:37:29,414
  2915. Like, I'd send her this.
  2916.  
  2917. 646
  2918. 00:37:29,539 --> 00:37:30,539
  2919. [message sent noise]
  2920.  
  2921. 647
  2922. 00:37:30,582 --> 00:37:32,584
  2923. [crowd laughs]
  2924.  
  2925. 648
  2926. 00:37:36,796 --> 00:37:38,131
  2927. And she'd send me this.
  2928.  
  2929. 649
  2930. 00:37:38,381 --> 00:37:39,591
  2931. [message received noise]
  2932.  
  2933. 650
  2934. 00:37:39,716 --> 00:37:41,384
  2935. [crowd laughs]
  2936.  
  2937. 651
  2938. 00:37:41,551 --> 00:37:42,677
  2939. I'd send her this.
  2940.  
  2941. 652
  2942. 00:37:42,927 --> 00:37:44,846
  2943. [message sent noise]
  2944. [crowd laughs]
  2945.  
  2946. 653
  2947. 00:37:45,680 --> 00:37:46,890
  2948. She sent me this.
  2949.  
  2950. 654
  2951. 00:37:47,140 --> 00:37:49,142
  2952. [message received noise]
  2953. [crowd laughs]
  2954.  
  2955. 655
  2956. 00:37:49,392 --> 00:37:50,435
  2957. I send her this.
  2958.  
  2959. 656
  2960. 00:37:50,685 --> 00:37:52,687
  2961. [message sent noise]
  2962. [crowd laughs]
  2963.  
  2964. 657
  2965. 00:37:53,271 --> 00:37:54,355
  2966. She sends me this.
  2967.  
  2968. 658
  2969. 00:37:54,773 --> 00:37:56,775
  2970. [background song in the video]
  2971.  
  2972. 659
  2973. 00:38:07,952 --> 00:38:09,412
  2974. And then I sent her this.
  2975.  
  2976. 660
  2977. 00:38:10,955 --> 00:38:12,957
  2978. [rap song playing]
  2979.  
  2980. 661
  2981. 00:38:17,545 --> 00:38:18,671
  2982. Yeah, yeah
  2983.  
  2984. 662
  2985. 00:38:18,838 --> 00:38:22,008
  2986. ♪ Ay, I remember syrup sandwiches
  2987. and crime allowances ♪
  2988.  
  2989. 663
  2990. 00:38:22,091 --> 00:38:24,177
  2991. ♪ Finesse and nanno with some
  2992. counterfeits ♪
  2993.  
  2994. 664
  2995. 00:38:24,260 --> 00:38:25,595
  2996. ♪ But now I'm countin' this ♪
  2997.  
  2998. 665
  2999. 00:38:25,678 --> 00:38:27,555
  3000. ♪ Parmesan where my accountant lives ♪
  3001.  
  3002. 666
  3003. 00:38:27,639 --> 00:38:29,140
  3004. ♪ In fact, I'm downin' this ♪
  3005.  
  3006. 667
  3007. 00:38:29,224 --> 00:38:31,226
  3008. ♪ D'USSÉ with my boo bae,
  3009. tastes like... ♪
  3010.  
  3011. 668
  3012. 00:38:31,392 --> 00:38:32,392
  3013. Yeah.
  3014.  
  3015. 669
  3016. 00:38:32,435 --> 00:38:34,437
  3017. [crowd claps]
  3018.  
  3019. 670
  3020. 00:38:39,567 --> 00:38:42,278
  3021. If you look up:
  3022. "Birds that dance to music."
  3023.  
  3024. 671
  3025. 00:38:42,362 --> 00:38:43,882
  3026. You'll see, there are so many of them.
  3027.  
  3028. 672
  3029. 00:38:43,947 --> 00:38:47,909
  3030. Birds... it turns out, love music.
  3031. And you can see they have rhythm.
  3032.  
  3033. 673
  3034. 00:38:47,992 --> 00:38:51,454
  3035. They are on the beat and I was like:
  3036. "Oh my God, that's crazy."
  3037.  
  3038. 674
  3039. 00:38:51,538 --> 00:38:54,458
  3040. And then I started really thinking
  3041. about it, 'cause I love animals so much
  3042.  
  3043. 675
  3044. 00:38:54,541 --> 00:38:57,669
  3045. and I thought: "I don't know how I feel."
  3046. Because when people get birds as pets
  3047.  
  3048. 676
  3049. 00:38:57,752 --> 00:38:59,512
  3050. they clip their wings,
  3051. they put them in cages
  3052.  
  3053. 677
  3054. 00:38:59,587 --> 00:39:01,089
  3055. they don't get to fly anymore
  3056.  
  3057. 678
  3058. 00:39:01,381 --> 00:39:04,634
  3059. but these birds get to dance
  3060. and they know music and they're...
  3061.  
  3062. 679
  3063. 00:39:04,717 --> 00:39:07,345
  3064. listening to music
  3065. that they'd never otherwise hear
  3066.  
  3067. 680
  3068. 00:39:07,512 --> 00:39:09,514
  3069. if they were in the jungle, you know.
  3070.  
  3071. 681
  3072. 00:39:10,849 --> 00:39:13,643
  3073. Because the birds in the jungle
  3074. have never heard Kendrick Lamar.
  3075.  
  3076. 682
  3077. 00:39:13,726 --> 00:39:15,061
  3078. They don't know who he is.
  3079.  
  3080. 683
  3081. 00:39:15,854 --> 00:39:18,022
  3082. They're flying
  3083. and they think they've got it all
  3084.  
  3085. 684
  3086. 00:39:18,106 --> 00:39:18,940
  3087. but they don't.
  3088.  
  3089. 685
  3090. 00:39:19,023 --> 00:39:21,734
  3091. They're missing out on music
  3092. that they could be flying
  3093.  
  3094. 686
  3095. 00:39:21,818 --> 00:39:23,820
  3096. and then getting down on the...
  3097. you know.
  3098.  
  3099. 687
  3100. 00:39:25,613 --> 00:39:27,866
  3101. I'm torn, I don't know how I feel.
  3102.  
  3103. 688
  3104. 00:39:28,116 --> 00:39:30,118
  3105. [crowd laughs]
  3106.  
  3107. 689
  3108. 00:39:31,452 --> 00:39:34,247
  3109. Because I feel like animals should be
  3110. in their natural environment.
  3111.  
  3112. 690
  3113. 00:39:34,330 --> 00:39:35,748
  3114. That's what they should be doing.
  3115.  
  3116. 691
  3117. 00:39:35,832 --> 00:39:37,672
  3118. They should be
  3119. wherever they're supposed to be.
  3120.  
  3121. 692
  3122. 00:39:37,750 --> 00:39:40,670
  3123. I have an issue
  3124. with all the emotional support animals
  3125.  
  3126. 693
  3127. 00:39:40,753 --> 00:39:42,088
  3128. that people are flying with now.
  3129.  
  3130. 694
  3131. 00:39:42,630 --> 00:39:44,090
  3132. It's just gotten out of hand.
  3133.  
  3134. 695
  3135. 00:39:44,173 --> 00:39:47,093
  3136. There was a woman trying to get
  3137. on the plane with a peacock the other day.
  3138.  
  3139. 696
  3140. 00:39:47,552 --> 00:39:50,889
  3141. They didn't let her on, thank God,
  3142. but I mean, not that she doesn't need it.
  3143.  
  3144. 697
  3145. 00:39:50,972 --> 00:39:52,140
  3146. Clearly, she's crazy.
  3147.  
  3148. 698
  3149. 00:39:52,307 --> 00:39:53,141
  3150. You know...
  3151.  
  3152. 699
  3153. 00:39:53,266 --> 00:39:55,268
  3154. [crowd laughs]
  3155.  
  3156. 700
  3157. 00:40:00,607 --> 00:40:04,402
  3158. I don't know what the requirements are
  3159. to get an emotional support animal
  3160.  
  3161. 701
  3162. 00:40:04,485 --> 00:40:06,571
  3163. but I don't think
  3164. they are too tough to...
  3165.  
  3166. 702
  3167. 00:40:07,030 --> 00:40:09,532
  3168. It's the same doctor
  3169. that prescribes medical marijuana.
  3170.  
  3171. 703
  3172. 00:40:09,616 --> 00:40:11,284
  3173. I'm pretty sure that, you know...
  3174.  
  3175. 704
  3176. 00:40:12,535 --> 00:40:14,996
  3177. - "Doctor, sometimes I worry...
  3178. - I've heard enough.
  3179.  
  3180. 705
  3181. 00:40:21,044 --> 00:40:23,171
  3182. I'm gonna prescribe you pot and a pet."
  3183.  
  3184. 706
  3185. 00:40:23,838 --> 00:40:25,840
  3186. [crowd laughs]
  3187.  
  3188. 707
  3189. 00:40:33,222 --> 00:40:34,974
  3190. Now when you fly, it's like...
  3191.  
  3192. 708
  3193. 00:40:35,141 --> 00:40:38,353
  3194. I mean you're walking down the aisle
  3195. to your seat, which is you know
  3196.  
  3197. 709
  3198. 00:40:38,436 --> 00:40:39,854
  3199. 10B or whatever it is
  3200.  
  3201. 710
  3202. 00:40:39,938 --> 00:40:42,023
  3203. It's like Noah's Ark.
  3204. There's a woman with a ferret
  3205.  
  3206. 711
  3207. 00:40:42,106 --> 00:40:45,109
  3208. there's a man with a mongoose,
  3209. there's a lady with a donkey.
  3210.  
  3211. 712
  3212. 00:40:48,196 --> 00:40:50,198
  3213. I say 10B,
  3214. does a plane go back that far?
  3215.  
  3216. 713
  3217. 00:40:50,281 --> 00:40:51,658
  3218. I've never been back there.
  3219.  
  3220. 714
  3221. 00:40:51,741 --> 00:40:53,743
  3222. [crowd claps]
  3223.  
  3224. 715
  3225. 00:40:54,243 --> 00:40:55,328
  3226. Are there ten rows?
  3227.  
  3228. 716
  3229. 00:40:56,537 --> 00:40:58,039
  3230. Are there ten...
  3231. I just guessed.
  3232.  
  3233. 717
  3234. 00:40:59,749 --> 00:41:01,501
  3235. I don't know, I just guessed.
  3236.  
  3237. 718
  3238. 00:41:12,845 --> 00:41:13,845
  3239. People...
  3240.  
  3241. 719
  3242. 00:41:16,933 --> 00:41:19,227
  3243. People used to take Xanax
  3244. when they were stressed out.
  3245.  
  3246. 720
  3247. 00:41:19,310 --> 00:41:21,729
  3248. Now, they're carrying animals
  3249. around with them...
  3250.  
  3251. 721
  3252. 00:41:23,189 --> 00:41:24,065
  3253. I...
  3254.  
  3255. 722
  3256. 00:41:24,148 --> 00:41:25,775
  3257. There are so many pills.
  3258.  
  3259. 723
  3260. 00:41:25,900 --> 00:41:28,319
  3261. If you look at the commercials
  3262. that are on the air, most...
  3263.  
  3264. 724
  3265. 00:41:28,403 --> 00:41:31,572
  3266. every commercial is for some type
  3267. of medicine, some kind of pill
  3268.  
  3269. 725
  3270. 00:41:31,656 --> 00:41:33,256
  3271. and I don't know if you've noticed it...
  3272.  
  3273. 726
  3274. 00:41:33,282 --> 00:41:36,619
  3275. the medicine commercials...
  3276. The side effects are so long...
  3277.  
  3278. 727
  3279. 00:41:37,328 --> 00:41:39,956
  3280. that the people on the commercial
  3281. are running out of activities.
  3282.  
  3283. 728
  3284. 00:41:40,039 --> 00:41:41,039
  3285. They don't even...
  3286.  
  3287. 729
  3288. 00:41:43,584 --> 00:41:46,379
  3289. They've done some gardening,
  3290. they've gone on a picnic
  3291.  
  3292. 730
  3293. 00:41:46,671 --> 00:41:49,716
  3294. they're on the lake in a boat,
  3295. they've gone to get ice cream.
  3296.  
  3297. 731
  3298. 00:41:49,799 --> 00:41:53,052
  3299. They've gotten a pottery class,
  3300. they've played frisbee with a dog.
  3301.  
  3302. 732
  3303. 00:41:54,387 --> 00:41:56,139
  3304. They're still listing the side effects.
  3305.  
  3306. 733
  3307. 00:41:56,723 --> 00:41:59,183
  3308. "Whooping cough, back hair, crying..."
  3309. And it's just...
  3310.  
  3311. 734
  3312. 00:42:00,810 --> 00:42:02,090
  3313. They should say anything at all:
  3314.  
  3315. 735
  3316. 00:42:02,145 --> 00:42:03,825
  3317. "Side effects could be,
  3318. think of something.
  3319.  
  3320. 736
  3321. 00:42:03,896 --> 00:42:05,398
  3322. Yep, you could get that for sure.
  3323.  
  3324. 737
  3325. 00:42:05,606 --> 00:42:07,108
  3326. You might not but you might."
  3327.  
  3328. 738
  3329. 00:42:10,528 --> 00:42:13,781
  3330. And then at the end it says: "Ask your
  3331. doctor if Trulicity is right for you."
  3332.  
  3333. 739
  3334. 00:42:13,865 --> 00:42:15,926
  3335. It's like: "I don't even know
  3336. what's wrong with them.
  3337.  
  3338. 740
  3339. 00:42:15,950 --> 00:42:18,619
  3340. They seemed fine, like,
  3341. I don't know what it is.
  3342.  
  3343. 741
  3344. 00:42:19,412 --> 00:42:21,247
  3345. Maybe it's right for...
  3346. I've gardened.
  3347.  
  3348. 742
  3349. 00:42:21,330 --> 00:42:22,874
  3350. I don't know if I should get it."
  3351.  
  3352. 743
  3353. 00:42:25,835 --> 00:42:27,795
  3354. "Ask your doctor
  3355. if Trulicity is right for you."
  3356.  
  3357. 744
  3358. 00:42:27,879 --> 00:42:28,921
  3359. Why is that my job?
  3360.  
  3361. 745
  3362. 00:42:29,255 --> 00:42:30,255
  3363. Like...
  3364.  
  3365. 746
  3366. 00:42:30,840 --> 00:42:33,801
  3367. You're at the doctor's office:
  3368. "Ellen, you seem pretty sick.
  3369.  
  3370. 747
  3371. 00:42:34,427 --> 00:42:37,555
  3372. Got your eye on any good medication
  3373. you want to tell me about?
  3374.  
  3375. 748
  3376. 00:42:37,722 --> 00:42:39,724
  3377. [crowd laughs]
  3378.  
  3379. 749
  3380. 00:42:44,854 --> 00:42:46,147
  3381. Trulicity? I...
  3382.  
  3383. 750
  3384. 00:42:50,151 --> 00:42:51,611
  3385. That could be right for you."
  3386.  
  3387. 751
  3388. 00:42:59,827 --> 00:43:02,163
  3389. And now,
  3390. I saw an advertisement for a pill
  3391.  
  3392. 752
  3393. 00:43:02,246 --> 00:43:05,083
  3394. that stops headaches and migraines
  3395. before they start.
  3396.  
  3397. 753
  3398. 00:43:06,292 --> 00:43:08,711
  3399. That's some good marketing
  3400. right there, isn't it?
  3401.  
  3402. 754
  3403. 00:43:10,213 --> 00:43:12,298
  3404. - "Are you in any pain?
  3405. - No, not at all.
  3406.  
  3407. 755
  3408. 00:43:12,632 --> 00:43:14,217
  3409. I'm gonna give you something for that.
  3410.  
  3411. 756
  3412. 00:43:15,760 --> 00:43:16,594
  3413. But...
  3414.  
  3415. 757
  3416. 00:43:16,761 --> 00:43:18,763
  3417. [crowd claps]
  3418.  
  3419. 758
  3420. 00:43:23,893 --> 00:43:26,604
  3421. - But I'm not in any pain...
  3422. - And you won't be."
  3423.  
  3424. 759
  3425. 00:43:33,694 --> 00:43:36,322
  3426. I think that's why I don't wanna have to
  3427. take any of these things
  3428.  
  3429. 760
  3430. 00:43:36,405 --> 00:43:38,241
  3431. I see advertised on...
  3432. I just...
  3433.  
  3434. 761
  3435. 00:43:38,324 --> 00:43:40,243
  3436. I wanna eat right,
  3437. I wanna take care of myself,
  3438.  
  3439. 762
  3440. 00:43:40,326 --> 00:43:41,577
  3441. I wanna work out.
  3442.  
  3443. 763
  3444. 00:43:41,661 --> 00:43:42,703
  3445. I used to work out a lot.
  3446.  
  3447. 764
  3448. 00:43:42,787 --> 00:43:46,249
  3449. I was working out like six days a week
  3450. and then I had a sports injury.
  3451.  
  3452. 765
  3453. 00:43:46,332 --> 00:43:47,834
  3454. I pulled a muscle...
  3455.  
  3456. 766
  3457. 00:43:47,917 --> 00:43:50,169
  3458. putting on a sports bra and...
  3459.  
  3460. 767
  3461. 00:43:53,131 --> 00:43:55,675
  3462. Those are too tight,
  3463. they are too tight. They are.
  3464.  
  3465. 768
  3466. 00:43:57,385 --> 00:43:58,385
  3467. Yeah.
  3468.  
  3469. 769
  3470. 00:43:58,636 --> 00:44:00,638
  3471. [claps]
  3472.  
  3473. 770
  3474. 00:44:01,013 --> 00:44:04,392
  3475. And then when you're sweaty,
  3476. trying to take them off... It's like...
  3477.  
  3478. 771
  3479. 00:44:05,852 --> 00:44:08,479
  3480. I've never taken one off.
  3481. I have 15 on right now.
  3482.  
  3483. 772
  3484. 00:44:08,604 --> 00:44:10,606
  3485. [crowd laughs]
  3486.  
  3487. 773
  3488. 00:44:14,569 --> 00:44:18,114
  3489. First one is from 1984 jazzercise
  3490. class I took. That's...
  3491.  
  3492. 774
  3493. 00:44:23,411 --> 00:44:27,415
  3494. I do have an injury that's...
  3495. kind of a problem for working out now.
  3496.  
  3497. 775
  3498. 00:44:27,582 --> 00:44:30,459
  3499. So I was having pain
  3500. in my third and fourth toe.
  3501.  
  3502. 776
  3503. 00:44:30,543 --> 00:44:33,087
  3504. If you don't know, one had roast beef
  3505. and the other had none.
  3506.  
  3507. 777
  3508. 00:44:33,421 --> 00:44:35,423
  3509. [crowd laughs]
  3510.  
  3511. 778
  3512. 00:44:38,426 --> 00:44:39,426
  3513. But...
  3514.  
  3515. 779
  3516. 00:44:40,136 --> 00:44:41,136
  3517. So...
  3518.  
  3519. 780
  3520. 00:44:42,138 --> 00:44:45,683
  3521. I've had this pain
  3522. and I went to go see a podiatrist
  3523.  
  3524. 781
  3525. 00:44:45,766 --> 00:44:48,394
  3526. and so he looks at my pods
  3527. and he said that...
  3528.  
  3529. 782
  3530. 00:44:49,270 --> 00:44:52,440
  3531. He said: "You have a neuroma."
  3532. And I said: "You have a neuroma."
  3533.  
  3534. 783
  3535. 00:44:54,942 --> 00:44:56,027
  3536. I said that to him.
  3537.  
  3538. 784
  3539. 00:44:56,235 --> 00:44:57,235
  3540. Hum.
  3541.  
  3542. 785
  3543. 00:44:59,572 --> 00:45:00,572
  3544. But...
  3545.  
  3546. 786
  3547. 00:45:00,990 --> 00:45:03,051
  3548. I said: "What do I do about that?"
  3549. He said: "Nothing.
  3550.  
  3551. 787
  3552. 00:45:03,075 --> 00:45:05,494
  3553. You can't do anything about it,
  3554. it's a inflamed nerve
  3555.  
  3556. 788
  3557. 00:45:05,578 --> 00:45:07,205
  3558. from wearing
  3559. the wrong kind of shoes."
  3560.  
  3561. 789
  3562. 00:45:07,288 --> 00:45:09,768
  3563. He said: "Do you wear like soft-soled
  3564. shoes, like tennis shoes?
  3565.  
  3566. 790
  3567. 00:45:09,832 --> 00:45:12,394
  3568. I said: "Yes, that's what I wear."
  3569. He goes: "That's the wrong kind
  3570.  
  3571. 791
  3572. 00:45:12,418 --> 00:45:14,338
  3573. of shoe for you.
  3574. The best shoe for you to wear...
  3575.  
  3576. 792
  3577. 00:45:14,420 --> 00:45:15,504
  3578. is a cowboy boot.
  3579.  
  3580. 793
  3581. 00:45:15,922 --> 00:45:17,924
  3582. [crowd laughs]
  3583.  
  3584. 794
  3585. 00:45:24,805 --> 00:45:25,805
  3586. Goodbye."
  3587.  
  3588. 795
  3589. 00:45:26,140 --> 00:45:28,142
  3590. [claps]
  3591.  
  3592. 796
  3593. 00:45:34,148 --> 00:45:36,859
  3594. So I had to go buy new shoes
  3595. with harder soles
  3596.  
  3597. 797
  3598. 00:45:36,943 --> 00:45:40,154
  3599. and when I was trying on shoes,
  3600. I realized, when we try on shoes
  3601.  
  3602. 798
  3603. 00:45:40,238 --> 00:45:41,906
  3604. we do things
  3605. we're never gonna do in them.
  3606.  
  3607. 799
  3608. 00:45:41,989 --> 00:45:42,989
  3609. We stand up.
  3610.  
  3611. 800
  3612. 00:45:44,617 --> 00:45:45,617
  3613. "These are good.
  3614.  
  3615. 801
  3616. 00:45:50,456 --> 00:45:51,456
  3617. These are good.
  3618.  
  3619. 802
  3620. 00:45:51,832 --> 00:45:53,834
  3621. [crowd laughs]
  3622.  
  3623. 803
  3624. 00:45:54,835 --> 00:45:56,837
  3625. [claps]
  3626.  
  3627. 804
  3628. 00:45:57,713 --> 00:45:59,757
  3629. If I have to do that, that's good.
  3630.  
  3631. 805
  3632. 00:46:01,676 --> 00:46:03,594
  3633. These are good, I like these.
  3634.  
  3635. 806
  3636. 00:46:09,225 --> 00:46:11,811
  3637. That's good. If I have to do that,
  3638. that'll be good.
  3639.  
  3640. 807
  3641. 00:46:15,815 --> 00:46:17,692
  3642. These are good if I have to do this.
  3643.  
  3644. 808
  3645. 00:46:26,450 --> 00:46:28,661
  3646. Yep, I like these, I'm gonna get these.
  3647.  
  3648. 809
  3649. 00:46:29,745 --> 00:46:30,745
  3650. Yep."
  3651.  
  3652. 810
  3653. 00:46:31,872 --> 00:46:33,874
  3654. [claps]
  3655.  
  3656. 811
  3657. 00:46:38,713 --> 00:46:39,880
  3658. When we try on shoes
  3659.  
  3660. 812
  3661. 00:46:39,964 --> 00:46:42,133
  3662. there's a little tiny mirror
  3663. on the ground.
  3664.  
  3665. 813
  3666. 00:46:43,217 --> 00:46:45,803
  3667. For the shoes to see themselves,
  3668. 'cause you can't.
  3669.  
  3670. 814
  3671. 00:46:48,180 --> 00:46:50,308
  3672. "What do you guys think,
  3673. do you like them?
  3674.  
  3675. 815
  3676. 00:46:50,433 --> 00:46:52,435
  3677. [crowd laughs]
  3678.  
  3679. 816
  3680. 00:46:53,185 --> 00:46:54,185
  3681. I can't see.
  3682.  
  3683. 817
  3684. 00:46:56,230 --> 00:46:57,230
  3685. Do you want them?"
  3686.  
  3687. 818
  3688. 00:46:57,565 --> 00:46:59,567
  3689. [crowd laughs]
  3690.  
  3691. 819
  3692. 00:47:07,033 --> 00:47:10,661
  3693. Shoe salesmen are like no other salesmen
  3694. for any other thing you buy.
  3695.  
  3696. 820
  3697. 00:47:10,745 --> 00:47:13,664
  3698. You say: "I'd like to try those
  3699. on a size six."
  3700.  
  3701. 821
  3702. 00:47:13,748 --> 00:47:14,999
  3703. They come out with boxes.
  3704.  
  3705. 822
  3706. 00:47:15,082 --> 00:47:17,293
  3707. "We didn't have a six
  3708. but we had a nine and a half."
  3709.  
  3710. 823
  3711. 00:47:17,835 --> 00:47:18,669
  3712. And...
  3713.  
  3714. 824
  3715. 00:47:18,794 --> 00:47:20,796
  3716. [crowd laughs and claps]
  3717.  
  3718. 825
  3719. 00:47:28,512 --> 00:47:32,600
  3720. We try on everything that we're gonna put
  3721. on our body except for socks, I realize.
  3722.  
  3723. 826
  3724. 00:47:32,725 --> 00:47:33,851
  3725. We don't try socks on
  3726.  
  3727. 827
  3728. 00:47:33,934 --> 00:47:35,936
  3729. because we trust...
  3730. Because the size is so...
  3731.  
  3732. 828
  3733. 00:47:36,020 --> 00:47:38,272
  3734. It's like size three through 11.
  3735. It really...
  3736.  
  3737. 829
  3738. 00:47:38,814 --> 00:47:39,814
  3739. It's like...
  3740.  
  3741. 830
  3742. 00:47:40,024 --> 00:47:41,024
  3743. It's gonna fit.
  3744.  
  3745. 831
  3746. 00:47:41,108 --> 00:47:44,320
  3747. It's like your childhood, through your
  3748. adulthood, you wear those things.
  3749.  
  3750. 832
  3751. 00:47:47,031 --> 00:47:48,616
  3752. But they are so, the thing is
  3753.  
  3754. 833
  3755. 00:47:48,699 --> 00:47:51,702
  3756. if you have a sock that you like,
  3757. everybody has their favorite socks
  3758.  
  3759. 834
  3760. 00:47:51,786 --> 00:47:54,789
  3761. and you will wear those socks
  3762. as long as you possibly can.
  3763.  
  3764. 835
  3765. 00:47:54,872 --> 00:47:57,153
  3766. You'll wear them
  3767. until there's a little tiny hole starting
  3768.  
  3769. 836
  3770. 00:47:57,208 --> 00:47:59,210
  3771. and you're like: "That's not that bad."
  3772. That's...
  3773.  
  3774. 837
  3775. 00:47:59,460 --> 00:48:02,046
  3776. a simple little hole
  3777. that you can just...
  3778.  
  3779. 838
  3780. 00:48:02,129 --> 00:48:06,467
  3781. Your heel can be poking through,
  3782. it's like a halter top for your foot.
  3783.  
  3784. 839
  3785. 00:48:06,592 --> 00:48:07,592
  3786. It's like...
  3787.  
  3788. 840
  3789. 00:48:09,011 --> 00:48:11,323
  3790. Little holes everywhere, you think:
  3791. "Who's gonna to see it?
  3792.  
  3793. 841
  3794. 00:48:11,347 --> 00:48:13,617
  3795. I'm just gonna keep shoes on,
  3796. they're not gonna see that."
  3797.  
  3798. 842
  3799. 00:48:13,641 --> 00:48:16,560
  3800. Then you go to somebody's house
  3801. and they have a shoes-off policy.
  3802.  
  3803. 843
  3804. 00:48:16,727 --> 00:48:18,729
  3805. [crowd laughs]
  3806.  
  3807. 844
  3808. 00:48:20,898 --> 00:48:22,566
  3809. I gotta get the fuck out of here.
  3810.  
  3811. 845
  3812. 00:48:22,817 --> 00:48:24,819
  3813. [crowd claps]
  3814.  
  3815. 846
  3816. 00:48:26,320 --> 00:48:28,322
  3817. [crowd cheers]
  3818.  
  3819. 847
  3820. 00:48:45,214 --> 00:48:46,215
  3821. We keep things
  3822.  
  3823. 848
  3824. 00:48:46,298 --> 00:48:49,051
  3825. we all keep things that are, you know,
  3826. I don't like to waste things.
  3827.  
  3828. 849
  3829. 00:48:49,135 --> 00:48:51,387
  3830. I don't like to...
  3831. waste food.
  3832.  
  3833. 850
  3834. 00:48:51,470 --> 00:48:52,888
  3835. I don't think that's a good thing.
  3836.  
  3837. 851
  3838. 00:48:52,972 --> 00:48:55,307
  3839. So I try to keep everything
  3840. and use everything
  3841.  
  3842. 852
  3843. 00:48:55,391 --> 00:48:57,560
  3844. except for when ketchup gets
  3845. down to that...
  3846.  
  3847. 853
  3848. 00:48:57,643 --> 00:48:59,871
  3849. part where it starts making that noise,
  3850. I'll throw it out
  3851.  
  3852. 854
  3853. 00:48:59,895 --> 00:49:03,441
  3854. because there's no need in keeping it
  3855. when it makes that noise.
  3856.  
  3857. 855
  3858. 00:49:03,524 --> 00:49:04,524
  3859. That's...
  3860.  
  3861. 856
  3862. 00:49:06,777 --> 00:49:07,945
  3863. But, like toothpaste
  3864.  
  3865. 857
  3866. 00:49:08,028 --> 00:49:12,283
  3867. I will use every single bit of toothpaste
  3868. in that tube.
  3869.  
  3870. 858
  3871. 00:49:12,366 --> 00:49:13,742
  3872. I will, yeah.
  3873.  
  3874. 859
  3875. 00:49:14,285 --> 00:49:15,285
  3876. Oh, yeah.
  3877.  
  3878. 860
  3879. 00:49:16,537 --> 00:49:18,706
  3880. And it's not about the money.
  3881. You know that.
  3882.  
  3883. 861
  3884. 00:49:18,831 --> 00:49:19,665
  3885. I mean...
  3886.  
  3887. 862
  3888. 00:49:19,748 --> 00:49:21,750
  3889. [crowd laughs]
  3890.  
  3891. 863
  3892. 00:49:22,460 --> 00:49:23,502
  3893. It's about winning.
  3894.  
  3895. 864
  3896. 00:49:24,044 --> 00:49:26,046
  3897. [crowd laughs]
  3898.  
  3899. 865
  3900. 00:49:26,797 --> 00:49:29,717
  3901. When I roll it, I make sure
  3902. there's nothing in there, in the pockets.
  3903.  
  3904. 866
  3905. 00:49:29,800 --> 00:49:31,010
  3906. I roll it real tight.
  3907.  
  3908. 867
  3909. 00:49:31,760 --> 00:49:35,389
  3910. I'll take my black American Express card
  3911. and I'll just squeeze it.
  3912.  
  3913. 868
  3914. 00:49:36,182 --> 00:49:37,183
  3915. Flatten it out.
  3916.  
  3917. 869
  3918. 00:49:37,266 --> 00:49:39,268
  3919. [crowd claps]
  3920.  
  3921. 870
  3922. 00:49:43,147 --> 00:49:46,108
  3923. If I have a gold bar laying around
  3924. I'll take the gold bar.
  3925.  
  3926. 871
  3927. 00:49:55,409 --> 00:49:56,911
  3928. Yeah, we all have our little quirks.
  3929.  
  3930. 872
  3931. 00:49:56,994 --> 00:50:00,331
  3932. We all have our things that we do,
  3933. that kind of doesn't make sense.
  3934.  
  3935. 873
  3936. 00:50:00,414 --> 00:50:04,502
  3937. But I think that one thing that we all do,
  3938. that I've noticed that is...
  3939.  
  3940. 874
  3941. 00:50:04,835 --> 00:50:06,962
  3942. We all have our song, right.
  3943. We have the song like:
  3944.  
  3945. 875
  3946. 00:50:07,046 --> 00:50:08,464
  3947. "Oh my God, that's my song."
  3948.  
  3949. 876
  3950. 00:50:08,547 --> 00:50:11,300
  3951. And if we're at a club
  3952. and that song comes on
  3953.  
  3954. 877
  3955. 00:50:11,383 --> 00:50:16,305
  3956. you wanna dance but you will not dance
  3957. until you hit the designated dance floor.
  3958.  
  3959. 878
  3960. 00:50:17,640 --> 00:50:21,435
  3961. That's what I've noticed. Only when you
  3962. hit the dance floor, will you dance.
  3963.  
  3964. 879
  3965. 00:50:23,521 --> 00:50:25,523
  3966. [crowd cheers]
  3967.  
  3968. 880
  3969. 00:50:27,900 --> 00:50:29,902
  3970. [song playing]
  3971.  
  3972. 881
  3973. 00:50:37,284 --> 00:50:39,513
  3974. ♪ Got birds and I'm runnin', yeah,
  3975. bout a hundred, yeah ♪
  3976.  
  3977. 882
  3978. 00:50:39,537 --> 00:50:41,914
  3979. ♪ Girl, you looks good,
  3980. won't you back that ass up ♪
  3981.  
  3982. 883
  3983. 00:50:41,997 --> 00:50:44,667
  3984. ♪ You'se a fine motherfucker,
  3985. won't you back that ass up ♪
  3986.  
  3987. 884
  3988. 00:50:44,750 --> 00:50:47,086
  3989. ♪ Call me Big Daddy
  3990. when you back that ass up ♪
  3991.  
  3992. 885
  3993. 00:50:47,169 --> 00:50:49,547
  3994. ♪ Hoe, who is you playin wit?
  3995. Back that ass up ♪
  3996.  
  3997. 886
  3998. 00:50:49,630 --> 00:50:52,132
  3999. ♪ Girl, you looks good,
  4000. won't you back that ass up ♪
  4001.  
  4002. 887
  4003. 00:50:52,258 --> 00:50:54,718
  4004. ♪ You'se a fine motherfucker,
  4005. won't you back that ass up ♪
  4006.  
  4007. 888
  4008. 00:50:54,802 --> 00:50:57,096
  4009. ♪ Call me Big Daddy
  4010. when you back that ass up ♪
  4011.  
  4012. 889
  4013. 00:50:57,263 --> 00:50:59,640
  4014. ♪ Hoe, who is you playin wit?
  4015. Back that ass up ♪
  4016.  
  4017. 890
  4018. 00:50:59,765 --> 00:51:02,184
  4019. ♪ Girl, you look good,
  4020. won't you back that ass up ♪
  4021.  
  4022. 891
  4023. 00:51:02,268 --> 00:51:04,770
  4024. ♪ You'se a fine motherfucker,
  4025. won't you back that ass up ♪
  4026.  
  4027. 892
  4028. 00:51:04,853 --> 00:51:06,939
  4029. ♪ You got a stupid ass, yeah,
  4030. make me laugh, yeah ♪
  4031.  
  4032. 893
  4033. 00:51:07,022 --> 00:51:09,400
  4034. ♪ Make a nigga want to grab that,
  4035. autograph that ♪
  4036.  
  4037. 894
  4038. 00:51:09,483 --> 00:51:11,777
  4039. ♪ I'm sweatin' in the drawers, yeah,
  4040. hard and long, yeah ♪
  4041.  
  4042. 895
  4043. 00:51:12,027 --> 00:51:14,029
  4044. [crowd cheers]
  4045.  
  4046. 896
  4047. 00:51:14,446 --> 00:51:16,448
  4048. [claps]
  4049.  
  4050. 897
  4051. 00:51:22,329 --> 00:51:26,125
  4052. But if that's your song when you're 30,
  4053. it's still your song when you're 85.
  4054.  
  4055. 898
  4056. 00:51:26,208 --> 00:51:28,210
  4057. [crowd laughs]
  4058.  
  4059. 899
  4060. 00:51:29,336 --> 00:51:31,296
  4061. ♪...with the money, yeah,
  4062. don't act funny, yeah ♪
  4063.  
  4064. 900
  4065. 00:51:31,338 --> 00:51:34,091
  4066. ♪ Got birds and I'm runnin', yeah,
  4067. bout a hundred, yeah ♪
  4068.  
  4069. 901
  4070. 00:51:34,216 --> 00:51:36,677
  4071. ♪ Girl, you looks good,
  4072. won't you back that ass up ♪
  4073.  
  4074. 902
  4075. 00:51:36,802 --> 00:51:39,221
  4076. ♪ You'se a fine motherfucker,
  4077. won't you back that ass up ♪
  4078.  
  4079. 903
  4080. 00:51:39,305 --> 00:51:41,599
  4081. ♪ Call me Big Daddy
  4082. when you back that ass up ♪
  4083.  
  4084. 904
  4085. 00:51:41,682 --> 00:51:44,018
  4086. ♪ Hoe, who is you playin wit?
  4087. Back that ass up ♪
  4088.  
  4089. 905
  4090. 00:51:44,143 --> 00:51:46,520
  4091. ♪ Girl, you looks good,
  4092. won't you back that ass up ♪
  4093.  
  4094. 906
  4095. 00:51:46,645 --> 00:51:49,315
  4096. ♪ You'se a fine motherfucker,
  4097. won't you back that ass up ♪
  4098.  
  4099. 907
  4100. 00:51:49,398 --> 00:51:51,525
  4101. ♪ Call me Big Daddy
  4102. when you back that ass up ♪
  4103.  
  4104. 908
  4105. 00:51:51,692 --> 00:51:54,236
  4106. ♪ Girl, who is you playin wit?
  4107. Back that ass up ♪
  4108.  
  4109. 909
  4110. 00:51:54,361 --> 00:51:56,739
  4111. ♪ Girl, you looks good,
  4112. won't you back that ass up ♪
  4113.  
  4114. 910
  4115. 00:51:56,822 --> 00:51:59,103
  4116. ♪ You'se a fine motherfucker,
  4117. won't you back that ass up ♪
  4118.  
  4119. 911
  4120. 00:51:59,158 --> 00:52:01,535
  4121. ♪ You got a stupid ass, yeah,
  4122. make me laugh, yeah ♪
  4123.  
  4124. 912
  4125. 00:52:01,660 --> 00:52:03,954
  4126. ♪ Make a nigga want to grab that,
  4127. autograph that ♪
  4128.  
  4129. 913
  4130. 00:52:04,038 --> 00:52:06,832
  4131. ♪ I'm sweatin' in the drawers, yeah,
  4132. hard and long, yeah ♪
  4133.  
  4134. 914
  4135. 00:52:07,082 --> 00:52:08,834
  4136. ♪ Want to walk it like a dog, yeah... ♪
  4137.  
  4138. 915
  4139. 00:52:09,460 --> 00:52:11,045
  4140. ♪ At the starting of the week ♪
  4141.  
  4142. 916
  4143. 00:52:11,128 --> 00:52:13,130
  4144. ♪ At summit talks you'll hear them speak ♪
  4145.  
  4146. 917
  4147. 00:52:13,255 --> 00:52:15,507
  4148. ♪ It's only Monday ♪
  4149.  
  4150. 918
  4151. 00:52:17,676 --> 00:52:19,553
  4152. ♪ Negotiations breaking down ♪
  4153.  
  4154. 919
  4155. 00:52:19,637 --> 00:52:21,930
  4156. ♪ See those leaders start to frown ♪
  4157.  
  4158. 920
  4159. 00:52:22,056 --> 00:52:24,058
  4160. ♪ It's sword and gun day... ♪
  4161.  
  4162. 921
  4163. 00:52:24,600 --> 00:52:26,602
  4164. [crowd cheers]
  4165.  
  4166. 922
  4167. 00:52:27,019 --> 00:52:29,021
  4168. [claps]
  4169.  
  4170. 923
  4171. 00:52:33,734 --> 00:52:36,779
  4172. I am 60 years old
  4173. and I'm dancing to "Back That Ass Up".
  4174.  
  4175. 924
  4176. 00:52:37,613 --> 00:52:39,615
  4177. [crowd claps]
  4178.  
  4179. 925
  4180. 00:52:45,954 --> 00:52:47,498
  4181. Yes, I turned 60 this year.
  4182.  
  4183. 926
  4184. 00:52:47,581 --> 00:52:49,708
  4185. I turned 60 in January and...
  4186.  
  4187. 927
  4188. 00:52:49,958 --> 00:52:51,960
  4189. [crowd claps]
  4190.  
  4191. 928
  4192. 00:52:54,129 --> 00:52:56,090
  4193. So, for my birthday this year
  4194.  
  4195. 929
  4196. 00:52:56,173 --> 00:52:59,301
  4197. my wife, Portia, gave me
  4198. the most amazing gift.
  4199.  
  4200. 930
  4201. 00:52:59,426 --> 00:53:01,679
  4202. She established
  4203. The Ellen DeGeneres Wildlife Fund
  4204.  
  4205. 931
  4206. 00:53:01,762 --> 00:53:03,263
  4207. to save the mountain gorillas.
  4208.  
  4209. 932
  4210. 00:53:04,598 --> 00:53:06,850
  4211. In Rwanda, so...
  4212.  
  4213. 933
  4214. 00:53:09,645 --> 00:53:13,023
  4215. So we went to Rwanda
  4216. for my birthday this summer
  4217.  
  4218. 934
  4219. 00:53:13,107 --> 00:53:15,484
  4220. to go see the mountain gorillas
  4221. and see the the site
  4222.  
  4223. 935
  4224. 00:53:15,567 --> 00:53:19,488
  4225. where we're building my campus,
  4226. and it was unbelievable.
  4227.  
  4228. 936
  4229. 00:53:19,571 --> 00:53:21,573
  4230. It was really, really special.
  4231.  
  4232. 937
  4233. 00:53:22,199 --> 00:53:24,118
  4234. But you know,
  4235. to find the mountain gorillas
  4236.  
  4237. 938
  4238. 00:53:24,201 --> 00:53:28,455
  4239. they live in the mountains and they are
  4240. in the jungle in the mountains.
  4241.  
  4242. 939
  4243. 00:53:29,039 --> 00:53:32,251
  4244. And... it's a jungle out there.
  4245. I'll tell you that. It's...
  4246.  
  4247. 940
  4248. 00:53:32,751 --> 00:53:35,129
  4249. And it was raining for a long time
  4250. before we got there
  4251.  
  4252. 941
  4253. 00:53:35,212 --> 00:53:37,756
  4254. like a month before we got there
  4255. and so it was really muddy
  4256.  
  4257. 942
  4258. 00:53:37,840 --> 00:53:42,094
  4259. and there's like stinging thistles
  4260. and all kinds of brush everywhere
  4261.  
  4262. 943
  4263. 00:53:42,177 --> 00:53:45,139
  4264. that you've got somebody
  4265. hacking away with a machete
  4266.  
  4267. 944
  4268. 00:53:45,222 --> 00:53:46,515
  4269. and you're trying to get through
  4270.  
  4271. 945
  4272. 00:53:46,598 --> 00:53:50,227
  4273. and sometimes you had to crawl
  4274. this far under, we're sinking in the mud
  4275.  
  4276. 946
  4277. 00:53:50,310 --> 00:53:52,312
  4278. like, to our knees and...
  4279.  
  4280. 947
  4281. 00:53:52,396 --> 00:53:55,899
  4282. three hours up the mountain at some point,
  4283. I was like...
  4284.  
  4285. 948
  4286. 00:53:57,317 --> 00:53:59,737
  4287. ♪ Happy birthday... ♪
  4288.  
  4289. 949
  4290. 00:53:59,820 --> 00:54:01,155
  4291. [crowd laughs]
  4292.  
  4293. 950
  4294. 00:54:01,280 --> 00:54:02,531
  4295. ♪ to me ♪
  4296.  
  4297. 951
  4298. 00:54:04,074 --> 00:54:06,326
  4299. ♪ Happy birthday... ♪
  4300.  
  4301. 952
  4302. 00:54:07,119 --> 00:54:08,162
  4303. ♪ to me. ♪
  4304.  
  4305. 953
  4306. 00:54:08,746 --> 00:54:09,621
  4307. [gasps]
  4308.  
  4309. 954
  4310. 00:54:09,705 --> 00:54:11,874
  4311. ♪ Happy birthday... ♪
  4312.  
  4313. 955
  4314. 00:54:13,584 --> 00:54:15,169
  4315. ♪ dear Ellen ♪
  4316.  
  4317. 956
  4318. 00:54:16,253 --> 00:54:18,714
  4319. Oh my God, it was so hard but...
  4320.  
  4321. 957
  4322. 00:54:18,797 --> 00:54:20,966
  4323. It is so worth it
  4324. 'cause when you get there
  4325.  
  4326. 958
  4327. 00:54:21,049 --> 00:54:23,469
  4328. and you see this thing
  4329. five feet away from you...
  4330.  
  4331. 959
  4332. 00:54:24,178 --> 00:54:26,513
  4333. So majestic, so beautiful.
  4334.  
  4335. 960
  4336. 00:54:27,222 --> 00:54:29,224
  4337. [claps]
  4338.  
  4339. 961
  4340. 00:54:32,644 --> 00:54:36,023
  4341. Portia and I took a picture
  4342. and this guy photobombed us back there.
  4343.  
  4344. 962
  4345. 00:54:38,776 --> 00:54:41,111
  4346. But yet, so you can see like her hair
  4347. is soaking wet
  4348.  
  4349. 963
  4350. 00:54:41,195 --> 00:54:43,071
  4351. she's got mud on her face
  4352. and we're...
  4353.  
  4354. 964
  4355. 00:54:43,155 --> 00:54:45,824
  4356. So we get down to the bottom
  4357. and we take a picture with our group
  4358.  
  4359. 965
  4360. 00:54:45,908 --> 00:54:47,993
  4361. that we went with,
  4362. and you can see the mud where...
  4363.  
  4364. 966
  4365. 00:54:48,076 --> 00:54:50,704
  4366. we had all fallen
  4367. and sank into the mud.
  4368.  
  4369. 967
  4370. 00:54:50,788 --> 00:54:53,791
  4371. If you wanna see how happy I am,
  4372. if you'll zoom in on my fist there...
  4373.  
  4374. 968
  4375. 00:54:54,500 --> 00:54:56,502
  4376. [crowd laughs]
  4377.  
  4378. 969
  4379. 00:54:57,127 --> 00:54:58,127
  4380. Yeah.
  4381.  
  4382. 970
  4383. 00:55:01,632 --> 00:55:02,632
  4384. That's...
  4385.  
  4386. 971
  4387. 00:55:03,884 --> 00:55:06,094
  4388. That's my "Happy Birthday" fist
  4389. right there.
  4390.  
  4391. 972
  4392. 00:55:08,430 --> 00:55:09,430
  4393. Yeah.
  4394.  
  4395. 973
  4396. 00:55:14,853 --> 00:55:16,980
  4397. The thing is, I didn't pack correctly.
  4398.  
  4399. 974
  4400. 00:55:17,064 --> 00:55:20,067
  4401. That's what was wrong
  4402. because I packed to go on Safari
  4403.  
  4404. 975
  4405. 00:55:20,150 --> 00:55:21,401
  4406. and I looked good.
  4407.  
  4408. 976
  4409. 00:55:21,485 --> 00:55:24,696
  4410. I went on safari and I looked
  4411. like I should have been on safari.
  4412.  
  4413. 977
  4414. 00:55:24,780 --> 00:55:27,300
  4415. I didn't have waterproof clothes,
  4416. I didn't have waterproof shoes
  4417.  
  4418. 978
  4419. 00:55:27,366 --> 00:55:28,606
  4420. I didn't have the right things.
  4421.  
  4422. 979
  4423. 00:55:28,659 --> 00:55:30,619
  4424. But I find, when we go on vacation
  4425.  
  4426. 980
  4427. 00:55:30,786 --> 00:55:34,289
  4428. we pack for who we want to be,
  4429. we pack for this...
  4430.  
  4431. 981
  4432. 00:55:34,373 --> 00:55:38,085
  4433. fantasy personality that we're gonna have
  4434. when we go away.
  4435.  
  4436. 982
  4437. 00:55:38,961 --> 00:55:42,923
  4438. When we're on an island, they don't know
  4439. we don't wear white linen all the time.
  4440.  
  4441. 983
  4442. 00:55:43,966 --> 00:55:45,509
  4443. Beads in a big floppy hat.
  4444.  
  4445. 984
  4446. 00:55:45,592 --> 00:55:47,094
  4447. That's who we are, you know.
  4448.  
  4449. 985
  4450. 00:55:48,428 --> 00:55:51,390
  4451. We just, we're like:
  4452. "Well, for sure I'm gonna work out
  4453.  
  4454. 986
  4455. 00:55:51,473 --> 00:55:53,851
  4456. 'cause there's a gym in the hotel,
  4457. so I'm gonna bring my...
  4458.  
  4459. 987
  4460. 00:55:53,976 --> 00:55:57,312
  4461. running shoes, I'll run on the beach
  4462. every day. And then I'll do...
  4463.  
  4464. 988
  4465. 00:55:57,437 --> 00:55:59,189
  4466. yoga on the pier.
  4467.  
  4468. 989
  4469. 00:55:59,273 --> 00:56:01,316
  4470. I've seen that in the brochure, and...
  4471.  
  4472. 990
  4473. 00:56:02,985 --> 00:56:05,904
  4474. I'll bring a poncho in case
  4475. there's a bonfire on the beach.
  4476.  
  4477. 991
  4478. 00:56:05,988 --> 00:56:07,781
  4479. I'll wanna have a poncho on.
  4480.  
  4481. 992
  4482. 00:56:08,615 --> 00:56:11,410
  4483. I'll bring a gown in case
  4484. there's a captain from a boat
  4485.  
  4486. 993
  4487. 00:56:11,493 --> 00:56:13,120
  4488. that I have to have dinner with.
  4489.  
  4490. 994
  4491. 00:56:13,203 --> 00:56:15,205
  4492. [crowd laughs]
  4493.  
  4494. 995
  4495. 00:56:16,957 --> 00:56:19,084
  4496. I'll bring some books,
  4497. I'll read for sure.
  4498.  
  4499. 996
  4500. 00:56:19,167 --> 00:56:20,167
  4501. I'm gonna read.
  4502.  
  4503. 997
  4504. 00:56:21,295 --> 00:56:24,464
  4505. I don't read at home, but I'm gonna
  4506. read there, I'll have a lot of time.
  4507.  
  4508. 998
  4509. 00:56:24,840 --> 00:56:27,634
  4510. I'm there three days,
  4511. I'll bring six books and...
  4512.  
  4513. 999
  4514. 00:56:29,052 --> 00:56:30,052
  4515. Yeah.
  4516.  
  4517. 1000
  4518. 00:56:31,430 --> 00:56:35,017
  4519. Cut to you, sitting at a bar, drunk,
  4520. in the same outfit the entire time.
  4521.  
  4522. 1001
  4523. 00:56:35,183 --> 00:56:37,185
  4524. [crowd laughs]
  4525.  
  4526. 1002
  4527. 00:56:38,687 --> 00:56:40,689
  4528. [claps]
  4529.  
  4530. 1003
  4531. 00:56:47,946 --> 00:56:51,450
  4532. I love that we imagine that we're gonna
  4533. curl up and read a good book.
  4534.  
  4535. 1004
  4536. 00:56:51,533 --> 00:56:52,534
  4537. I love that expression.
  4538.  
  4539. 1005
  4540. 00:56:52,618 --> 00:56:54,828
  4541. I'm gonna go curl up
  4542. and read a good book like...
  4543.  
  4544. 1006
  4545. 00:56:54,912 --> 00:56:57,581
  4546. You don't curl up for a magazine,
  4547. you don't curl up for...
  4548.  
  4549. 1007
  4550. 00:56:57,664 --> 00:56:58,916
  4551. Although, when I read the paper
  4552.  
  4553. 1008
  4554. 00:56:58,999 --> 00:57:01,335
  4555. I curl up in the fetal position
  4556. now, that's...
  4557.  
  4558. 1009
  4559. 00:57:02,085 --> 00:57:03,420
  4560. That's for sure.
  4561.  
  4562. 1010
  4563. 00:57:03,503 --> 00:57:05,505
  4564. [crowd claps]
  4565.  
  4566. 1011
  4567. 00:57:09,927 --> 00:57:13,472
  4568. But I do love these expressions.
  4569. "Curl up and read a good book" or
  4570.  
  4571. 1012
  4572. 00:57:13,555 --> 00:57:15,766
  4573. you know, "a bird in the hand
  4574. is worth two in the bush".
  4575.  
  4576. 1013
  4577. 00:57:15,849 --> 00:57:17,684
  4578. Did someone have a bird in the hand
  4579.  
  4580. 1014
  4581. 00:57:17,768 --> 00:57:19,728
  4582. and said:
  4583. "There's two in the bush.
  4584.  
  4585. 1015
  4586. 00:57:19,811 --> 00:57:21,772
  4587. Yeah, but I got one in the hand so...
  4588.  
  4589. 1016
  4590. 00:57:22,981 --> 00:57:25,418
  4591. - But there's two in the bush.
  4592. - Yes, but I got one in the hand
  4593.  
  4594. 1017
  4595. 00:57:25,442 --> 00:57:27,110
  4596. and that's worth two in the bush.
  4597.  
  4598. 1018
  4599. 00:57:27,527 --> 00:57:29,071
  4600. - It is?
  4601. - Yes
  4602.  
  4603. 1019
  4604. 00:57:29,154 --> 00:57:31,281
  4605. one in the hand is worth two in the bush."
  4606.  
  4607. 1020
  4608. 00:57:34,034 --> 00:57:35,702
  4609. Why do you call it the hand?
  4610.  
  4611. 1021
  4612. 00:57:35,786 --> 00:57:36,786
  4613. It's your hand.
  4614.  
  4615. 1022
  4616. 00:57:36,828 --> 00:57:38,205
  4617. Why do you say "the hand"?
  4618.  
  4619. 1023
  4620. 00:57:38,455 --> 00:57:40,457
  4621. [crowd laughs]
  4622.  
  4623. 1024
  4624. 00:57:43,377 --> 00:57:44,211
  4625. "For Pete's sake!"
  4626.  
  4627. 1025
  4628. 00:57:44,294 --> 00:57:46,838
  4629. Who is Pete, and why are we doing
  4630. everything for his sake?
  4631.  
  4632. 1026
  4633. 00:57:46,964 --> 00:57:48,924
  4634. [crowd laughs]
  4635.  
  4636. 1027
  4637. 00:57:50,258 --> 00:57:51,258
  4638. "Fit as a fiddle."
  4639.  
  4640. 1028
  4641. 00:57:51,301 --> 00:57:53,303
  4642. Is that a good shape? I don't know.
  4643.  
  4644. 1029
  4645. 00:57:53,470 --> 00:57:55,472
  4646. [crowd claps]
  4647.  
  4648. 1030
  4649. 00:58:01,061 --> 00:58:04,022
  4650. My favorite expression is,
  4651. "best thing since sliced bread."
  4652.  
  4653. 1031
  4654. 00:58:05,065 --> 00:58:07,359
  4655. Really, Is that the benchmark
  4656. right there? That's...
  4657.  
  4658. 1032
  4659. 00:58:07,567 --> 00:58:09,569
  4660. [crowd laughs]
  4661.  
  4662. 1033
  4663. 00:58:12,114 --> 00:58:14,032
  4664. Sliced bread really came about...
  4665.  
  4666. 1034
  4667. 00:58:14,116 --> 00:58:17,369
  4668. In 1928 somebody decided
  4669. to slice it, in 1928.
  4670.  
  4671. 1035
  4672. 00:58:17,452 --> 00:58:20,205
  4673. That's not that long ago.
  4674. Bread has been around forever.
  4675.  
  4676. 1036
  4677. 00:58:20,288 --> 00:58:23,000
  4678. Jesus broke bread.
  4679. He didn't even know how to slice it.
  4680.  
  4681. 1037
  4682. 00:58:23,250 --> 00:58:25,252
  4683. [crowd laughs]
  4684.  
  4685. 1038
  4686. 00:58:30,882 --> 00:58:33,260
  4687. I mean all throughout history,
  4688. no one sliced it?
  4689.  
  4690. 1039
  4691. 00:58:33,343 --> 00:58:36,138
  4692. Like, soldiers with swords,
  4693. they're putting their swords down
  4694.  
  4695. 1040
  4696. 00:58:36,221 --> 00:58:38,598
  4697. so they could grab bread
  4698. and gnaw on it, like...
  4699.  
  4700. 1041
  4701. 00:58:41,143 --> 00:58:42,853
  4702. They probably "took a stab at it"
  4703.  
  4704. 1042
  4705. 00:58:42,936 --> 00:58:45,522
  4706. which is where that expression came from.
  4707. They stabbed at it...
  4708.  
  4709. 1043
  4710. 00:58:45,605 --> 00:58:46,648
  4711. with their sword.
  4712.  
  4713. 1044
  4714. 00:58:46,773 --> 00:58:48,316
  4715. Nothing happened, so they just...
  4716.  
  4717. 1045
  4718. 00:58:54,656 --> 00:58:58,285
  4719. And then finally, in 1928, some gay guy,
  4720. you know he was gay, for sure.
  4721.  
  4722. 1046
  4723. 00:58:58,368 --> 00:58:59,202
  4724. I mean...
  4725.  
  4726. 1047
  4727. 00:58:59,369 --> 00:59:00,495
  4728. [crowd laughs]
  4729.  
  4730. 1048
  4731. 00:59:01,079 --> 00:59:03,290
  4732. "I refuse to be a barbarian anymore.
  4733.  
  4734. 1049
  4735. 00:59:05,083 --> 00:59:06,251
  4736. I'm slicing it.
  4737.  
  4738. 1050
  4739. 00:59:09,212 --> 00:59:10,212
  4740. Heathens."
  4741.  
  4742. 1051
  4743. 00:59:13,717 --> 00:59:15,427
  4744. He was popular, too.
  4745. I mean, the fact
  4746.  
  4747. 1052
  4748. 00:59:15,510 --> 00:59:18,305
  4749. that he has that, you know,
  4750. title of sliced bread...
  4751.  
  4752. 1053
  4753. 00:59:18,388 --> 00:59:20,108
  4754. Like he was probably at a party
  4755. in the '20s.
  4756.  
  4757. 1054
  4758. 00:59:20,182 --> 00:59:22,601
  4759. Can you imagine
  4760. that Thomas Edison is there
  4761.  
  4762. 1055
  4763. 00:59:22,684 --> 00:59:25,270
  4764. and the Wright brothers and...
  4765.  
  4766. 1056
  4767. 00:59:25,353 --> 00:59:28,607
  4768. "Is the guy who sliced the bread here?
  4769. I heard he was coming to the party.
  4770.  
  4771. 1057
  4772. 00:59:29,316 --> 00:59:30,316
  4773. Is he here?"
  4774.  
  4775. 1058
  4776. 00:59:34,613 --> 00:59:36,490
  4777. I mean, it should be
  4778. like best thing since...
  4779.  
  4780. 1059
  4781. 00:59:36,573 --> 00:59:39,201
  4782. fire, or the wheel, or the ladder.
  4783.  
  4784. 1060
  4785. 00:59:39,409 --> 00:59:40,285
  4786. You know...
  4787.  
  4788. 1061
  4789. 00:59:40,368 --> 00:59:42,128
  4790. I mean, the ladder,
  4791. we take that for granted.
  4792.  
  4793. 1062
  4794. 00:59:42,162 --> 00:59:44,522
  4795. I know you don't think
  4796. that's as important but it really is.
  4797.  
  4798. 1063
  4799. 00:59:44,581 --> 00:59:45,957
  4800. What did we do before the ladder?
  4801.  
  4802. 1064
  4803. 00:59:46,041 --> 00:59:48,794
  4804. We all had to have a tall friend
  4805. to reach things for us.
  4806.  
  4807. 1065
  4808. 00:59:48,877 --> 00:59:49,711
  4809. You know...
  4810.  
  4811. 1066
  4812. 00:59:49,795 --> 00:59:52,089
  4813. It was probably a tall guy
  4814. who invented the ladder going:
  4815.  
  4816. 1067
  4817. 00:59:52,172 --> 00:59:54,549
  4818. "I have aspirations of my own.
  4819. I am not gonna...
  4820.  
  4821. 1068
  4822. 00:59:55,550 --> 00:59:57,594
  4823. continue to do this the whole time."
  4824.  
  4825. 1069
  4826. 00:59:59,346 --> 01:00:01,348
  4827. [claps]
  4828.  
  4829. 1070
  4830. 01:00:03,225 --> 01:00:06,061
  4831. The ladder is an adult purchase
  4832. if you really think about it.
  4833.  
  4834. 1071
  4835. 01:00:06,144 --> 01:00:07,944
  4836. You don't buy a ladder
  4837. when you're a teenager.
  4838.  
  4839. 1072
  4840. 01:00:07,979 --> 01:00:10,023
  4841. You buy a ladder
  4842. when you're an adult.
  4843.  
  4844. 1073
  4845. 01:00:10,524 --> 01:00:13,252
  4846. When when you have a house,
  4847. and the bigger the house the more ladders.
  4848.  
  4849. 1074
  4850. 01:00:13,276 --> 01:00:14,611
  4851. I have a lot of ladders...
  4852.  
  4853. 1075
  4854. 01:00:16,571 --> 01:00:18,156
  4855. I have a six-foot, I have an eight-foot
  4856.  
  4857. 1076
  4858. 01:00:18,240 --> 01:00:20,450
  4859. I have the extension,
  4860. the 20-foot aluminum.
  4861.  
  4862. 1077
  4863. 01:00:20,575 --> 01:00:23,662
  4864. And when I married Portia,
  4865. she had a little ladder.
  4866.  
  4867. 1078
  4868. 01:00:23,745 --> 01:00:26,706
  4869. So I have a step ladder,
  4870. but I love it just the same, I do.
  4871.  
  4872. 1079
  4873. 01:00:27,040 --> 01:00:29,042
  4874. [crowd laughs]
  4875.  
  4876. 1080
  4877. 01:00:31,837 --> 01:00:33,839
  4878. [claps]
  4879.  
  4880. 1081
  4881. 01:00:37,384 --> 01:00:38,510
  4882. I wrote that at 3 a.m.
  4883.  
  4884. 1082
  4885. 01:00:38,593 --> 01:00:41,429
  4886. I thought either this is gonna be
  4887. the worst joke I've ever written...
  4888.  
  4889. 1083
  4890. 01:00:42,347 --> 01:00:43,347
  4891. or the best.
  4892.  
  4893. 1084
  4894. 01:00:43,723 --> 01:00:45,142
  4895. I've decided, it's the best.
  4896.  
  4897. 1085
  4898. 01:00:45,684 --> 01:00:47,686
  4899. [crowd cheers]
  4900.  
  4901. 1086
  4902. 01:00:48,061 --> 01:00:50,063
  4903. [claps]
  4904.  
  4905. 1087
  4906. 01:00:53,316 --> 01:00:55,819
  4907. I think a junk drawer,
  4908. that also is an adult thing
  4909.  
  4910. 1088
  4911. 01:00:55,902 --> 01:00:58,530
  4912. that happens when we're adults.
  4913. We get a junk drawer.
  4914.  
  4915. 1089
  4916. 01:00:58,613 --> 01:01:01,825
  4917. If you go home, we all have the same
  4918. stuff in our junk drawer.
  4919.  
  4920. 1090
  4921. 01:01:01,908 --> 01:01:03,636
  4922. We all have...
  4923. For some reason we won't throw
  4924.  
  4925. 1091
  4926. 01:01:03,660 --> 01:01:05,954
  4927. a rubber band away
  4928. There are tons of rubber bands
  4929.  
  4930. 1092
  4931. 01:01:06,037 --> 01:01:08,165
  4932. like 24 rubber bands are in there, like...
  4933.  
  4934. 1093
  4935. 01:01:08,415 --> 01:01:11,793
  4936. in case, a bunch of little girls come over
  4937. for pigtails one day. I don't know...
  4938.  
  4939. 1094
  4940. 01:01:16,214 --> 01:01:18,300
  4941. There's a red ink pen in there just...
  4942.  
  4943. 1095
  4944. 01:01:18,383 --> 01:01:21,553
  4945. in case you have to grade papers
  4946. or something. I don't know, just like...
  4947.  
  4948. 1096
  4949. 01:01:24,890 --> 01:01:26,224
  4950. There's a roll of Scotch tape
  4951.  
  4952. 1097
  4953. 01:01:26,308 --> 01:01:29,019
  4954. that's out of the container,
  4955. just the roll, and it's...
  4956.  
  4957. 1098
  4958. 01:01:29,769 --> 01:01:33,231
  4959. You can't get it started
  4960. 'cause it's half-way broken anyway
  4961.  
  4962. 1099
  4963. 01:01:33,565 --> 01:01:34,649
  4964. and you just keep it.
  4965.  
  4966. 1100
  4967. 01:01:35,150 --> 01:01:38,361
  4968. There's a AA battery. Does it work?
  4969. I don't know, I just don't...
  4970.  
  4971. 1101
  4972. 01:01:38,945 --> 01:01:40,155
  4973. I put it in there.
  4974.  
  4975. 1102
  4976. 01:01:40,780 --> 01:01:42,782
  4977. [claps]
  4978.  
  4979. 1103
  4980. 01:01:45,452 --> 01:01:47,746
  4981. There's a key and you don't know
  4982. what it's to.
  4983.  
  4984. 1104
  4985. 01:01:50,415 --> 01:01:52,959
  4986. You won't throw it away,
  4987. 'cause what if someone finds it
  4988.  
  4989. 1105
  4990. 01:01:53,043 --> 01:01:54,961
  4991. and opens something?
  4992. What do they... like...
  4993.  
  4994. 1106
  4995. 01:01:56,546 --> 01:01:57,881
  4996. Walk around, opening...
  4997.  
  4998. 1107
  4999. 01:01:58,298 --> 01:02:00,300
  5000. [crowd laughs]
  5001.  
  5002. 1108
  5003. 01:02:04,054 --> 01:02:07,057
  5004. I heard someone say that a junk drawer
  5005. is a metaphor for your life.
  5006.  
  5007. 1109
  5008. 01:02:07,140 --> 01:02:09,893
  5009. Like we're holding on to things
  5010. that we don't need to hold on to
  5011.  
  5012. 1110
  5013. 01:02:09,976 --> 01:02:12,079
  5014. that we should let go of.
  5015. I don't know if that's true.
  5016.  
  5017. 1111
  5018. 01:02:12,103 --> 01:02:16,274
  5019. People are always looking into things
  5020. and looking for signs of what things mean.
  5021.  
  5022. 1112
  5023. 01:02:16,691 --> 01:02:17,691
  5024. I don't know, I...
  5025.  
  5026. 1113
  5027. 01:02:17,776 --> 01:02:19,236
  5028. For a while there, I was...
  5029.  
  5030. 1114
  5031. 01:02:19,319 --> 01:02:21,947
  5032. Every time I looked at the clock
  5033. it was 11:11
  5034.  
  5035. 1115
  5036. 01:02:22,030 --> 01:02:25,408
  5037. and every time, and I started wondering,
  5038. like, what does this mean?
  5039.  
  5040. 1116
  5041. 01:02:25,492 --> 01:02:27,702
  5042. And for me it was a dead battery, but...
  5043.  
  5044. 1117
  5045. 01:02:27,994 --> 01:02:29,996
  5046. [crowd laughs]
  5047.  
  5048. 1118
  5049. 01:02:32,499 --> 01:02:34,501
  5050. [claps]
  5051.  
  5052. 1119
  5053. 01:02:42,550 --> 01:02:46,596
  5054. We all have people, that we know,
  5055. that look into signs way too much.
  5056.  
  5057. 1120
  5058. 01:02:46,680 --> 01:02:50,267
  5059. You know, they'll be like: "I don't know
  5060. if I should be in this relationship.
  5061.  
  5062. 1121
  5063. 01:02:50,350 --> 01:02:53,144
  5064. There's a squirrel. Squirrels live
  5065. in trees. Trees have leaves.
  5066.  
  5067. 1122
  5068. 01:02:53,228 --> 01:02:54,228
  5069. I should leave him."
  5070.  
  5071. 1123
  5072. 01:02:54,312 --> 01:02:56,314
  5073. [crowd laughs]
  5074.  
  5075. 1124
  5076. 01:03:01,111 --> 01:03:02,737
  5077. I think we're all looking for signs
  5078.  
  5079. 1125
  5080. 01:03:02,821 --> 01:03:05,699
  5081. because we're all looking for validation
  5082. that we're on the right path.
  5083.  
  5084. 1126
  5085. 01:03:05,782 --> 01:03:07,450
  5086. And when we see signs like that
  5087.  
  5088. 1127
  5089. 01:03:07,909 --> 01:03:10,161
  5090. we think that means
  5091. that we're on the right path
  5092.  
  5093. 1128
  5094. 01:03:10,245 --> 01:03:12,289
  5095. which by the way,
  5096. we are all on a path.
  5097.  
  5098. 1129
  5099. 01:03:12,372 --> 01:03:14,374
  5100. We're all on our own individual path.
  5101.  
  5102. 1130
  5103. 01:03:14,457 --> 01:03:16,543
  5104. Nobody should be on anybody else's path.
  5105.  
  5106. 1131
  5107. 01:03:16,626 --> 01:03:18,253
  5108. We should be on our own path.
  5109.  
  5110. 1132
  5111. 01:03:18,837 --> 01:03:20,839
  5112. [crowd claps]
  5113.  
  5114. 1133
  5115. 01:03:24,175 --> 01:03:27,679
  5116. Unless you're lost in the woods
  5117. and you see a path. Follow that, but...
  5118.  
  5119. 1134
  5120. 01:03:30,056 --> 01:03:33,810
  5121. I think that signs do help us
  5122. and I think that if we pay attention
  5123.  
  5124. 1135
  5125. 01:03:33,893 --> 01:03:37,230
  5126. to those signs, they do guide us.
  5127. And some signs are easier...
  5128.  
  5129. 1136
  5130. 01:03:37,314 --> 01:03:40,942
  5131. to spot than others. And I had something
  5132. that was pretty significant
  5133.  
  5134. 1137
  5135. 01:03:41,026 --> 01:03:42,902
  5136. that happened to me and...
  5137.  
  5138. 1138
  5139. 01:03:43,653 --> 01:03:47,073
  5140. I didn't even know I was struggling
  5141. with coming out.
  5142.  
  5143. 1139
  5144. 01:03:47,157 --> 01:03:50,410
  5145. I mean, whenever you're closeted,
  5146. you're always thinking about it.
  5147.  
  5148. 1140
  5149. 01:03:50,618 --> 01:03:53,455
  5150. It's on your mind 'cause you're worried
  5151. that someone's gonna find out.
  5152.  
  5153. 1141
  5154. 01:03:53,538 --> 01:03:55,749
  5155. You're worried
  5156. that someone's gonna know
  5157.  
  5158. 1142
  5159. 01:03:55,832 --> 01:04:00,045
  5160. and so, it is on your mind,
  5161. so subconsciously we're aware of that.
  5162.  
  5163. 1143
  5164. 01:04:00,128 --> 01:04:02,922
  5165. But I didn't realize that
  5166. until I had this dream.
  5167.  
  5168. 1144
  5169. 01:04:03,506 --> 01:04:07,761
  5170. I had a dream that I was holding
  5171. a baby finch, like a little precious bird
  5172.  
  5173. 1145
  5174. 01:04:07,844 --> 01:04:12,599
  5175. and it was my pet and I put it back
  5176. in its cage which was this beautiful
  5177.  
  5178. 1146
  5179. 01:04:12,682 --> 01:04:15,310
  5180. multi-tiered bamboo cage
  5181.  
  5182. 1147
  5183. 01:04:15,727 --> 01:04:19,522
  5184. and the bird became me,
  5185. when it went into the cage and...
  5186.  
  5187. 1148
  5188. 01:04:20,023 --> 01:04:22,859
  5189. all of a sudden it realized
  5190. that it was up against the window
  5191.  
  5192. 1149
  5193. 01:04:22,942 --> 01:04:26,446
  5194. all alone, and the window was open
  5195. and the bars were wide enough
  5196.  
  5197. 1150
  5198. 01:04:26,529 --> 01:04:29,657
  5199. for the bird to fly out.
  5200. And it had been the whole time.
  5201.  
  5202. 1151
  5203. 01:04:29,783 --> 01:04:33,161
  5204. And I looked at the bird and I said:
  5205. "Don't leave, you're safe in here."
  5206.  
  5207. 1152
  5208. 01:04:33,244 --> 01:04:35,955
  5209. And the bird looked at me and said:
  5210. "I don't belong in here."
  5211.  
  5212. 1153
  5213. 01:04:36,039 --> 01:04:37,040
  5214. And flew out.
  5215.  
  5216. 1154
  5217. 01:04:37,165 --> 01:04:39,292
  5218. And the next morning,
  5219. I woke up and I said:
  5220.  
  5221. 1155
  5222. 01:04:39,626 --> 01:04:40,626
  5223. "I'm coming out."
  5224.  
  5225. 1156
  5226. 01:04:41,044 --> 01:04:45,090
  5227. [crowd cheers]
  5228.  
  5229. 1157
  5230. 01:04:46,966 --> 01:04:49,803
  5231. [claps]
  5232.  
  5233. 1158
  5234. 01:04:59,938 --> 01:05:00,938
  5235. And...
  5236.  
  5237. 1159
  5238. 01:05:01,231 --> 01:05:02,857
  5239. before I had that dream
  5240.  
  5241. 1160
  5242. 01:05:02,941 --> 01:05:06,736
  5243. I didn't realize I was in a cage.
  5244. I had no idea I was in a cage.
  5245.  
  5246. 1161
  5247. 01:05:06,820 --> 01:05:07,904
  5248. I had a great life.
  5249.  
  5250. 1162
  5251. 01:05:08,029 --> 01:05:09,447
  5252. I had a successful sitcom.
  5253.  
  5254. 1163
  5255. 01:05:09,531 --> 01:05:12,951
  5256. I had fame, I had money,
  5257. I had everything that I thought...
  5258.  
  5259. 1164
  5260. 01:05:13,326 --> 01:05:16,413
  5261. that was important.
  5262. But I was hiding a part of myself
  5263.  
  5264. 1165
  5265. 01:05:16,496 --> 01:05:20,125
  5266. and whenever we hide anything
  5267. from anybody, it's because...
  5268.  
  5269. 1166
  5270. 01:05:20,208 --> 01:05:22,961
  5271. we're worried about
  5272. what someone else is gonna think of us.
  5273.  
  5274. 1167
  5275. 01:05:23,086 --> 01:05:24,796
  5276. And, even though...
  5277.  
  5278. 1168
  5279. 01:05:25,380 --> 01:05:26,923
  5280. I knew that was gonna be difficult.
  5281.  
  5282. 1169
  5283. 01:05:27,006 --> 01:05:29,426
  5284. I had gotten to the point
  5285. where it was more important for me
  5286.  
  5287. 1170
  5288. 01:05:29,509 --> 01:05:32,095
  5289. to feel proud of who I was
  5290. and live my truth
  5291.  
  5292. 1171
  5293. 01:05:32,178 --> 01:05:34,639
  5294. than worry about
  5295. what other people thought of me.
  5296.  
  5297. 1172
  5298. 01:05:34,722 --> 01:05:35,974
  5299. [crowd claps]
  5300.  
  5301. 1173
  5302. 01:05:36,141 --> 01:05:37,141
  5303. And...
  5304.  
  5305. 1174
  5306. 01:05:38,560 --> 01:05:40,562
  5307. [claps]
  5308.  
  5309. 1175
  5310. 01:05:44,732 --> 01:05:46,818
  5311. And that time, after I came out, was...
  5312.  
  5313. 1176
  5314. 01:05:46,901 --> 01:05:49,654
  5315. really one of the hardest periods
  5316. of my life, it was.
  5317.  
  5318. 1177
  5319. 01:05:49,946 --> 01:05:51,948
  5320. But it was the best part of my journey.
  5321.  
  5322. 1178
  5323. 01:05:52,073 --> 01:05:55,702
  5324. Because it is when I realized
  5325. how strong I was.
  5326.  
  5327. 1179
  5328. 01:05:55,827 --> 01:05:57,537
  5329. It's when I learned compassion.
  5330.  
  5331. 1180
  5332. 01:05:57,620 --> 01:06:00,373
  5333. It's when I learned
  5334. that the truth will always win.
  5335.  
  5336. 1181
  5337. 01:06:00,790 --> 01:06:01,790
  5338. And...
  5339.  
  5340. 1182
  5341. 01:06:02,041 --> 01:06:05,962
  5342. That's when you grow.
  5343. Like everyone has a fear
  5344.  
  5345. 1183
  5346. 01:06:06,045 --> 01:06:07,797
  5347. everyone's scared of something.
  5348.  
  5349. 1184
  5350. 01:06:07,881 --> 01:06:10,633
  5351. But it's not until you've faced
  5352. that fear head-on
  5353.  
  5354. 1185
  5355. 01:06:10,717 --> 01:06:12,677
  5356. that you realized your power.
  5357.  
  5358. 1186
  5359. 01:06:12,760 --> 01:06:15,847
  5360. And that's when you grow
  5361. and that's what we all want.
  5362.  
  5363. 1187
  5364. 01:06:15,930 --> 01:06:18,016
  5365. We wanna grow,
  5366. we wanna feel good about ourselves
  5367.  
  5368. 1188
  5369. 01:06:18,099 --> 01:06:19,934
  5370. we wanna feel proud of who we are...
  5371.  
  5372. 1189
  5373. 01:06:21,227 --> 01:06:22,228
  5374. We're all the same.
  5375.  
  5376. 1190
  5377. 01:06:22,520 --> 01:06:26,566
  5378. So, whether your bathmat scoot
  5379. is 50 scoots to get to the towel
  5380.  
  5381. 1191
  5382. 01:06:27,734 --> 01:06:29,777
  5383. or three scoots to get to the towel...
  5384.  
  5385. 1192
  5386. 01:06:30,445 --> 01:06:33,239
  5387. Whether you're gay,
  5388. or have dry eye...
  5389.  
  5390. 1193
  5391. 01:06:33,823 --> 01:06:35,825
  5392. [crowd laughs]
  5393.  
  5394. 1194
  5395. 01:06:37,827 --> 01:06:39,454
  5396. We are all the same...
  5397.  
  5398. 1195
  5399. 01:06:39,537 --> 01:06:40,580
  5400. and we are all...
  5401.  
  5402. 1196
  5403. 01:06:40,663 --> 01:06:41,663
  5404. relatable.
  5405.  
  5406. 1197
  5407. 01:06:42,499 --> 01:06:43,708
  5408. Thank you.
  5409.  
  5410. 1198
  5411. 01:06:44,000 --> 01:06:46,002
  5412. [crowd cheers]
  5413.  
  5414. 1199
  5415. 01:06:47,545 --> 01:06:49,547
  5416. [claps]
  5417.  
  5418. 1200
  5419. 01:06:52,926 --> 01:06:56,221
  5420. [crowd cheers]
  5421.  
  5422. 1201
  5423. 01:06:58,097 --> 01:07:00,099
  5424. [song playing in the background]
  5425.  
  5426. 1202
  5427. 01:07:17,325 --> 01:07:19,577
  5428. Subtitle by Matheus Modesto
  5429.  
  5430. 1203
  5431. 01:07:56,406 --> 01:07:59,117
  5432. Thank you so much.
RAW Paste Data
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