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  1. This is all yours by surimistick
  2.  
  3.  
  4. _________________________________________________________________________
  5.  
  6.  
  7.  
  8. Part 1: Something Good
  9.  
  10. Your brand new girlfriend, who coincidentally is also your oldest friend, is now standing completely still between the trees, in the middle of the snowy path, gaze lost in the distance, camera in hand.
  11.  
  12. Which is why you’re bored.
  13.  
  14. But you suppose if you didn’t want a girlfriend who interrupted your romantic wintery walks to just stand there staring at nothing, you shouldn’t have dated a photographer.
  15.  
  16. https://78.media.tumblr.com/38effb567691a9603709db0d8454bce5/tumblr_nusl7cc5k81qid28eo1_1280.png
  17.  
  18.  
  19. _________________________________________________________________________
  20.  
  21.  
  22. You are bored, and when you are bored you either want to smoke or to cuddle.
  23.  
  24. You won’t smoke, though. You already did just an hour ago, and you are trying to cut down your daily cigarette intake.
  25.  
  26. For reasons completely unrelated to the worried frowny faces your brand new girlfriend pulls off whenever she makes eye contact with your bursting ashtrays.
  27.  
  28. Said brand new girlfriend, who coincidentally is also your oldest friend, is now standing completely still between the trees, in the middle of the snowy path, gaze lost in the distance, camera in hand.
  29.  
  30. Which is why you’re bored.
  31.  
  32. But you suppose if you didn’t want a girlfriend who interrupted your romantic wintery walks to just stand there staring at nothing, you shouldn’t have dated a photographer.
  33.  
  34.  
  35.  
  36. Though you admit, you don’t exactly mind waiting for her. Because you get to look at her.
  37.  
  38. You find her particularly cute today, all tiny, snow on her hair, lithe body engulfed in her oversized parka, skinny jeans on skinnier legs that stick out of her jacket like bird feet.
  39.  
  40. She has gotten so much thinner in these few months after the tornado, at the point of worrying you.
  41.  
  42. She seems to have trouble eating like you have trouble sleeping. You always try to encourage her to grab a few more bites off her plate just like she tries to encourage you to go back to sleep whenever she catches you lying awake at night.
  43.  
  44. You guess you both had a lot to recover from since that week of hell back in October.
  45.  
  46. It was your grief that made you take things slow. It took you a month to even consider feelings for her. It took you another just to muster the courage to talk about them.
  47.  
  48. But you are glad for it. It wouldn’t have been good for her to start a romance when she clearly had so much to recover from.
  49.  
  50. She never explained you in detail what happened to her in all those alternate timelines she has travelled, and you never pried.
  51.  
  52. But whatever had happened, it affected her.
  53.  
  54. Now she is scared shitless of things that never bothered her before.
  55.  
  56. Like bright lights, loud banging noises, and people sneaking up behind her.
  57.  
  58.  
  59.  
  60. Which is why now, before approaching her, you make sure she knows it: – Yo Maxaroni and cheese.
  61.  
  62. She just hums in response, lost in her zone.
  63.  
  64. You sigh from behind her, and rest your chin on the top of her head.
  65.  
  66. You like that she is shorter than you. You like it so much that you have taken to wear combat boots every time you are together, just to gain those two inches that you needed to be a full head taller than her.
  67.  
  68. Max doesn’t move, doesn’t talk, doesn’t take a picture, nothing.
  69.  
  70. She does this sometimes, though you don’t know why. It looks like she is waiting for something, or contemplating something. You stare where she is staring, but you cant see nothing but trees and snowbearing clouds.
  71.  
  72. – What do you see?– You ask her
  73.  
  74. She waits a while before answering, like she often does.
  75.  
  76. Then: – There, in the…
  77.  
  78. She doesn’t finish. You sigh again.
  79.  
  80. A strong burst of wind rises suddenly, and you feel her shivering against you. You are about to hold her, shield her from the cold, but before you can move she raises the camera to her eyes and snaps a picture.
  81.  
  82. You hear the film whirring out of the polaroid. She grabs it and shakes it.
  83.  
  84. – Can I see?– You ask her.
  85.  
  86. She leans more against you, hands you the picture.
  87.  
  88. There’s the black shadow of a bird against a white cloud, framed by the trees. Its pretty, but she has done better.
  89.  
  90. You don’t say so, of course. You wait for her to put away the camera, then grab her hands, rub her chilled knuckles with your thumbs.
  91.  
  92. – You cold?
  93.  
  94. She hums – A bit.
  95.  
  96. You put your joined hands in her pockets, to warm them. –We should keep going.
  97.  
  98. She giggles –Like this?
  99.  
  100. You press your palms against her tummy, hands still in her pockets –Obviously.
  101.  
  102. And obviously, walking like this proves difficult, if not impossible. She keeps stepping on your feet and bumping her head on your chin.
  103.  
  104. But you hold her tight anyway.
  105.  
  106. Its not your fault she got you bored. And its not your fault being bored makes you cuddly.
  107.  
  108.  
  109.  
  110. – Chloe– She warns you, – Let go. There’s a slope. We’ll fall on our asses.
  111.  
  112. You huff, but you comply. It is slippery after all.
  113.  
  114. But as soon as the path gets easier, you grab her hand again, walking at her side this time.
  115.  
  116. You catch her smiling under her scarf and it kills you how cute she is. You stop in your track and she spins to face you.
  117.  
  118. – What?– She asks. She is still smiling. Her cheeks and nose are raw pink from the cold.
  119.  
  120. You notice you are smiling as well, you feel the pull of the muscles on your face. You shove your hands on your pockets, embarrassed.
  121.  
  122. – What?– She asks again, grabbing the sleeves of your letterman jacket. The one that you have started wearing everywhere lately because she likes it so much for some reason. You used to hate it because it belonged to an asshole ex boyfriend that once burned a hole in your favourite sheets with the butt of a joint.
  123.  
  124. But Max doesn’t need to know that.
  125.  
  126. She is still patiently waiting for you to say or do something.
  127.  
  128. Its very quiet around you, so quiet you can hear her breathing from her parted lips. Which are slightly damp and the same pale pink of her cheeks.
  129.  
  130. You hesitate, you are still not used to the fact that now you get to kiss her whenever you want to.
  131.  
  132. And right now you do want to. A lot.
  133.  
  134. But like always, she is two steps ahead of you.
  135.  
  136. And before you can even pull your hands out of your pockets, she is already pushing herself up and pressing her lips against yours.
  137.  
  138. They are soft and cold, and you shiver from neck to toes.
  139.  
  140. You hum and when she pulls back, you chase after her. You struggle to disentangle your hands from your pockets, then press on the small of her back to pull her flush against you.
  141.  
  142. Now its her turn to shiver, and you feel her sigh in your mouth.
  143.  
  144. She pulls away abruptly with more decision. Before you can say anything, she grabs your hand again and tugs you along the road –Come on– she says, –Let’s find a spot.
  145.  
  146. –A spot?– you babble.
  147.  
  148. She just hums in response and you let her lead you. You feel heat prickle your cheeks and you can’t believe one tiny kiss was enough to make you stupid.
  149.  
  150. She’s supposed to be the blushing virgin, not you.
  151.  
  152. And yet she’s the one dragging your dazed self in search of a discreet makeout place.
  153.  
  154. Shameful display, Price.
  155.  
  156.  
  157.  
  158. At some point, the path curves, and you can see a small clearing open up between the tree, white with snow.
  159.  
  160. –Here,– Max says. You walk to the middle of the clearing with some effort, because the snow reaches your thigh. Abruptly, she lets go of your hand and turns to face you. She is grinning, quite wickedly.
  161.  
  162. – What?– you ask.
  163.  
  164. Before you can react, she opens her arms wide and lets herself fall back.
  165.  
  166. –Jesus!– you yell, reaching to catch her. You miss, and you hear her body fall in the snow with a soft crunching noise, and a delighted giggle.
  167.  
  168. – Fuck– you sink to your knees in the snow, hovering above her: – I hate you.
  169.  
  170. –Yeah , yeah.
  171.  
  172. –No, really. I do. A lot.
  173.  
  174. – Hm, hm…– She pulls you by the collar until you are flush against her, presses her lips twice to your cheek, once the corner of your mouth.
  175.  
  176. You huff –Aren’t you cold like this, you nerd.
  177.  
  178. –Hm, hm- she says again, and catches your bottom lip in her own. You hum quietly against her mouth, pressing small kisses to her lips.
  179.  
  180. Max snakes her wicked little hands between the bottom of your jacket and the waistband of your jeans. Her palms are freezing against your skin, and you buck your hips as a reflex.
  181.  
  182. She gasps, and. Well, shit.
  183.  
  184. You grab her face to direct the angle of the kiss. Her lips are cold but her tongue is warm, and wet against yours. You can feel her breathing heavily through her nose against your cheek.
  185.  
  186. Its really quiet around you, all you can hear is the rustling of your jacket under her hands and the soft sounds of your kisses.
  187.  
  188. You feel her legs shift between yours, and you have to pull back to catch your breath.
  189.  
  190. She grins at you and you immediately dip back down to kiss her again.
  191.  
  192. Her hands are up to your head now, threaded in your hair, grabbing so hard it stings. You like it way too much when she does that.
  193.  
  194. You fumble to lower her scarf and latch your lips on the curve of her neck. She sighs a breathy sigh and you have to stop again because your head is spinning. You press your nose under her ear, where her skin is the softest, and leave a small kiss there before raising up again on your elbows.
  195.  
  196. She is still smiling at you, lips damp and half lidded eyes.
  197.  
  198. You almost ask her, then. "Hey Max, how would you feel about losing your virginity right here, right now, under the trees with this loser, with our hair full of snow and our asses half frozen?"
  199.  
  200. You don’t, though.
  201.  
  202. Because with her face so flushed and her smile so big, she definitely looks like she might say yes.
  203.  
  204. And you remember your first time, on a hard bench in an empty locker room. All you could really think about was how you could really use something soft under your ass.
  205.  
  206. And you don’t want her memories to be like that. You want her to be able to reach for a blanket if she’s cold or shy, and a mattress, and pillows to put under her back when you go down on her.
  207.  
  208. Max reaches for a lock of your hair, half blonde, half faded blue. –What are you thinking?
  209.  
  210. –That…– you hesitate – You are a nerd.
  211.  
  212. She laughs: –Fuck off.
  213.  
  214. –I like you though– you kiss her chin, – A lot.
  215.  
  216. She hums happily – I like you a lot, too. And...
  217.  
  218. –And?
  219.  
  220. –And I’m freezing.
  221.  
  222. You snort –You are the one who dropped us into a pile of fucking snow.
  223.  
  224. –You are the one with a nice, heated truck parked nearby.
  225.  
  226. –You sure your ass is not too frozen to walk there?
  227.  
  228. Max giggles: –Mh, I don’t know. You might have to carry me.
  229.  
  230. You pull her up by her hands –In your dreams, hippie.
  231.  
  232. She elbows you in the ribs, and you rest your arm across her shoulders.
  233.  
  234. –Pancake stop at the two whales?
  235.  
  236. –You know it.
  237.  
  238.  
  239.  
  240.  
  241.  
  242. _________________________________________________________________________
  243.  
  244.  
  245.  
  246.  
  247.  
  248.  
  249.  
  250. Part 2: Toe to Toe, Back to Back
  251.  
  252.  
  253.  
  254. You wonder if that counted as your first fight as a couple.
  255.  
  256. There was no shouting, no big displays of anger, no actual confrontation. But you both hurt each other with your silences and stubbornness. And somehow you feel like yelling would have been better.
  257.  
  258. You really are doing a shitty job at this whole girlfriend business.
  259.  
  260.  
  261. Chapter 1
  262.  
  263.  
  264.  
  265.  
  266.  
  267. * * *
  268.  
  269.  
  270.  
  271.  
  272.  
  273. You know it as soon as you wake up.
  274.  
  275. Today is not going to be easy.
  276.  
  277. You stayed up late yesterday texting with chloe, fell asleep with the phone in your hands.
  278.  
  279. You forgot to shut the blinds on your dorm window, and the white, sharp winter light ripped you away from sleep with your heart pounding and your ears ringing.
  280.  
  281. You have been staring at the ceiling for the past twenty minutes, trying to calm yourself down. Your phone is lost somewhere in your blankets, buzzing every few seconds.
  282.  
  283. You are at Blackwell Academy. On the second week of January.
  284.  
  285. It's a Saturday. Saturday means you don't have classes and you get to hang out all day with your...
  286.  
  287. Girlfriend. With your girlfriend.
  288.  
  289. It's so new, you still have to wrap your mind around it.
  290.  
  291. Its her texting you, now. You know it because you made plans yesterday.
  292.  
  293. Before falling asleep in the middle of a conversation.
  294.  
  295. And forgetting to close the blinds.
  296.  
  297. You fumble around the bed, and you find your phone.
  298.  
  299. 9.27: Chloe
  300.  
  301. Maximum overdrive
  302.  
  303. I'll be there in 15
  304.  
  305. 9.27: Chloe
  306.  
  307. Make sure I don't have to wait for you half an hour in the snow, you hear
  308.  
  309. 9.35: Chloe
  310.  
  311. Yo wake up
  312.  
  313. 9.37: Chloe
  314.  
  315. Don't make me turn this truck around young lady
  316.  
  317. 9.40: Mad Max
  318.  
  319. Sorry just woke up
  320.  
  321. 9.40: Mad Max
  322.  
  323. And don't text and drive. I'll punch you
  324.  
  325.  
  326.  
  327. You look around your room for your shower supplies. By the time you have fished them from your mess, your phone is buzzing again.
  328.  
  329.  
  330.  
  331. 9.46: Chloe
  332.  
  333. You have to be able to reach my face to punch me
  334.  
  335. Also I'm here in the parking lot. Hurry up, Its freezing
  336.  
  337. 9.46: Mad Max
  338.  
  339. Time for a shower and I'll be there.
  340.  
  341. 9.47: Chloe
  342.  
  343. Figures. At least I'll have something to think about while I wait
  344.  
  345. 9.48: Mad Max
  346.  
  347. Shut up, dork
  348.  
  349.  
  350.  
  351. You are so not used to chloe flirting with you. And you are not entirely sure you will ever be.
  352.  
  353. You run to the bathrooms and shower as fast as you can, trying not to think about chloe thinking about you.
  354.  
  355. By the time you are dressed and walking out of the dorm building you feel almost rid of your previous uneasiness.
  356.  
  357. You are still somewhat dizzy , and your hands haven't stopped shaking. But if you keep them in your pockets, chloe won't notice.
  358.  
  359. You spot her as soon as you enter the parking lot.
  360.  
  361. She 's leaning on her truck, long limbed and lazy like a cat.
  362.  
  363. She's smoking, taking deep drags and exhaling slowly.
  364.  
  365. She's savouring it. You've noticed how she's trying to smoke less lately. Those cigarettes she allows herself, she makes sure to thoroughly enjoy.
  366.  
  367. You walk fast to reach her. Its freezing cold outside, and your hair is still pretty damp. The sooner you get in the truck, the better.
  368.  
  369. Chloe smiles as she sees you. She throws her cigarette on the ground and stomps on it with the heel of her boot.
  370.  
  371. She teases: --Took your sweet time. Had fun?
  372.  
  373. You punch her lightly on the arm, but you are grinning. Like she is, as she grabs your elbow.
  374.  
  375. You were expecting her to keep making fun of you, or to get in her truck, but she is still stalling, staring at you expectantly.
  376.  
  377. You startle as you realize she is waiting for a kiss.
  378.  
  379. You hesitate, throwing a glance behind you.
  380.  
  381. Its not like you are in the closet. Or actively trying to hide anything. But you are not officially out either, and you want your friends to find out you are dating chloe when you tell them face to face, not by some gossip spread by passerbys who saw you making out in the parking lot.
  382.  
  383. Especially with kate, the situation will have to be handled with some delicacy.
  384.  
  385. You open your mouth to explain, to say something, but before you can even find the words Chloe sighs and steps around the truck: --Come on, I'm starving.
  386.  
  387. Wow. Fucking great, Max. It's not even ten in the morning and you have already managed to let down your girlfriend.
  388.  
  389. You curse under your breath and get into the passenger seat. You are about to apologize, or explain to her that it's not like you don't want to kiss her in public, you just want to handle things in the proper order and...
  390.  
  391. She is pressing her beanie on your head. At your baffled look, she explains: --I know I said to hurry, but you didn't have to come out in the winter with your hair wet. I'd rather you didn't freeze
  392.  
  393. --w..what?
  394.  
  395. --Your hands are shaking.
  396.  
  397. --Oh.--
  398.  
  399. Shit. You press your knees together and shove your hands between them, as Chloe starts up the engine and rolls the truck out of the parking lot.
  400.  
  401. You glance at her sideways. In the pale light, she looks like a faded painting.
  402.  
  403. She trimmed her hair a bit, but she still hasn't dyed it. It looks like she dipped it in watercolor.
  404.  
  405. --You ok?
  406.  
  407. She startles you, and you babble: -- What?
  408.  
  409. --You look kind of grey.
  410.  
  411. --Um, i...-- you struggle to find the right words. --Guess I could have used a bit more sleep. But I'm glad I'm here with you!-- You rush to add.
  412.  
  413. Apparently you said the right thing, because she is smiling now, eyes still on the road.
  414.  
  415. You sigh in relief. You notice your shoulders are achingly tense. You sigh again, trying to relax, focus on the road, the soothing rumble of the engine, the gorgeous girl beside you.
  416.  
  417. Your gorgeous girl.
  418.  
  419. Still not used to that. Its exhilarating, actually, when you think about it. Your girl.
  420.  
  421. Who still hasn't stopped smiling. Or side eyeing you mischievously.
  422.  
  423. You are afraid to ask: -- what are you planning, pirate?
  424.  
  425. She hums and her smile gets wider. You tug softly on the hem of her jacket: --What?
  426.  
  427. Without a word, she swerves the truck abruptly into a viewpoint at the side of the road, where the forest parts and you can see the grey line of the sea in the distance.
  428.  
  429. --Why did you stop?
  430.  
  431. She unbuckles her seatbelt with a click --Why do you think?
  432.  
  433. You inhale sharply as she kisses you, holding your face in her hands.
  434.  
  435. You fumble to draw her closer, but you only manage to grab her elbow.
  436.  
  437. You are way too distracted by the warm, damp feel of her mouth to focus on anything other than matching her pace.
  438.  
  439. You can feel yourself getting dizzier and dizzier. Its not easy remembering how to breathe when she's licking the inside of your lips. Finally you gasp, and she angles your head upwards to kiss under your chin, then slowly down your throat.
  440.  
  441. Shit. You squeeze your legs together and grab her by the collar to bring her face back to yours. You need her mouth again, you need...
  442.  
  443. A ringtone goes off.
  444.  
  445. Your lips part with an ungraceful smack. --Fuck-- breathes Chloe between her teeth. She fumbles with her pocket, huffing: --Turn off... this fucking...-
  446.  
  447. She glances at her phone, and sighs: -- Its Joyce.
  448.  
  449. You smooth her collar with your fingers --Its ok. Pick up.
  450.  
  451. She side eyes you as if asking if you are sure, and you nod quickly.
  452.  
  453. Chloe brings the phone up to her hear and sighs: --Hey, mom. What? Yeah...
  454.  
  455. She hums distractedly in the receiver. Meanwhile her hand is still on your neck, softly scratching your nape as she knows you like. You shiver, feeling your muscles relax all along your back.
  456.  
  457. Chloe makes a show of rolling her eyes: --Yes, I told you... ok. Ok, whatever you say. -- She holds the phone away from her face and leans down to kiss you softly on the lips, once, twice. And then some.
  458.  
  459. You can hear Joyce's muffled voice squeaking from the speaker. When it stops, Chloe hurries to bring the phone back to her ear: --Yeah, sure. We'll hurry. Ok. Ok. Bye.
  460.  
  461. She closes the call and sighs loudly: --Apparently if we don't bring our asses at the two whales before rush hour, she won't feed us.
  462.  
  463. You giggle: --That's reasonable.
  464.  
  465. She rolls her eyes: -- That's a pain in the ass.
  466.  
  467. You hum as she brings her face down for one last kiss, that doesn't last quite as long as you'd have wished. As soon as her hand leaves your nape to start up the engine, you feel cold again.
  468.  
  469. You try to relax in your seat for the time it takes you to reach the two whales.
  470.  
  471. As the truck slides into the parking lot, you can see people have started gathering inside. Looks like you are just in time.
  472.  
  473. Chloe holds open the door of the diner for you and gives you a quick wink. You elbow her softly in the ribs before making your way inside.
  474.  
  475. Joyce is already in over her head, you find her balancing three plates on her hands. She spots you and calls out: --I have some pancakes ready. Sounds good, girls?
  476.  
  477. You smile at her: --More than good. I'm famished.
  478.  
  479. --Perfect, lets fill those bellies then--Joyce motions with her head for you two to sit down.
  480.  
  481. You comply, Chloe guiding you forward by pressing a hand on the small of your back. You squeeze in the farthest booth of the diner, sit down facing the entrance, and Chloe flops down in front of you with a grunt.
  482.  
  483. You shrug away your parka and look around you, rubbing your arms. There's quite a lot of people today.
  484.  
  485. You sigh and rub your arms again.
  486.  
  487. -- Seriously Max, what's up with you today?
  488.  
  489. You startle: --What?
  490.  
  491. --You're dozing off even more than usual.
  492.  
  493. --uhm,-- you rub your nose --I just, I didn't sleep very well. Sorry if I'm being weird.
  494.  
  495. Chloe's expression softens -- I don't think you're being weird. I just...
  496.  
  497. Joyce strolls by to drop two plates of pancakes in front of you: --Dig in, girls
  498.  
  499. You are so, so thankful for the interruption: --Don't mind if I do. Those smell amazing.
  500.  
  501. --Thanks, mom-- Chloe immediately starts stuffing her face, but her eyes keep coming back to yours.
  502.  
  503. You pick on your pancakes with your fork. You hope you didn't freak out Chloe too much. You've been trying to-
  504.  
  505. A loud crash makes you jump on your seat. Your eyes dart to the source of the noise.
  506.  
  507. Someone dropped their tray on the counter a bit too forcefully. Joyce is now thoroughly scolding them about it. You can't very well make out her words through the ringing in your ears. You dry swallow and breathe in, breathe out.
  508.  
  509. --Hey-- Chloe is scanning you with her sharp blue gaze, like she is weighing you up --If you're so tired you can take a nap at my place. I have some studying to do anyway.
  510.  
  511. You hum --Yeah, that sounds... that sounds nice.
  512.  
  513. She grabs your pinky finger softly, and rubs it with her thumb --I like your sweater.
  514.  
  515. You smile: --That's why I wore it.
  516.  
  517. She grins and winks, and finishes her pancakes without letting go of your finger.
  518.  
  519. Then gestures at your plate with her chin: --Aren't you gonna finish that?
  520.  
  521. --Oh-- You look down at your basically intact pancake. You cut down a bite with your fork and force yourself to chew. Its sticks to your throat like you are trying to swallow a piece of paper.
  522.  
  523. --I thought you were hungry. Not in the mood for pancakes anymore?--
  524.  
  525. You shake your head, mouth too pasty to answer.
  526.  
  527. She tightens the pressure around your little finger --Wanna bail this place? I can fix you something at home. Cereals, eggs... You name it, we have it.
  528.  
  529. You breathe a laugh: --Yeah, that sounds great. Thanks.
  530.  
  531. --Good then. Give that here.-- she grabs your plate and shoves the rest of your pancakes down her throat.
  532.  
  533.  
  534.  
  535.  
  536.  
  537. ...
  538.  
  539.  
  540.  
  541.  
  542.  
  543. Chloe has some lectures to catch up with for her online school. So you mostly spend the day hanging out in her room, going through some of your homework in her bed.
  544.  
  545. Sometimes you nap. Sometimes she joins you for a few slow kisses before sitting back up at her desk.
  546.  
  547. At some point she lights a joint, and you snap a picture of her dark frame puffing a cloud of smoke against the pale window. But mostly, you both study.
  548.  
  549. By the time she is driving you back to Blackwell, the sun has started to set. You watch it disappear between the trees, that cast longer and longer shadows on the crisp white snow.
  550.  
  551. You pull on the hem of Chloe's jacket: --Can we stop for a second?
  552.  
  553. She hums, and pulls the truck by the side of the road.
  554.  
  555. She has never complained about your photo breaks and always indulged them. But you know they must annoy her.
  556.  
  557. You are not gonna let that stop you from getting this wonderful shot, though.
  558.  
  559. You plant a kiss on Chloe's cheek: --I'll just be a minute. Promise.
  560.  
  561. She rolls her eyes, but she is smiling: --More like half an hour.
  562.  
  563. --Just gonna take a couple of shots! I'll be back immediately this time, you'll see.
  564.  
  565. You step off the truck and stare at the landscape through the camera lens, belly pressed against the cold guard rail.
  566.  
  567. You wait for the perfect moment, breathing slow white clouds. You snap your picture, and stare at it frowning.
  568.  
  569. Not quite right. You wait, and take another shot. You will allow yourself three, then won't waste anymore film.
  570.  
  571. Its your last chance to make this perfect. You wait, until the shadows are long enough to match the shape of the trees, and the sun hangs low behind them, stark red against their sharp dark profile.
  572.  
  573. There. You snap your picture, shake it. Now its decent.
  574.  
  575. As you raise your head again, the sun disappears between the trees, and a cold blue shadow falls down on you.
  576.  
  577. Shit. How long have you been out there? Ten minutes? Twenty? You suddenly notice how cold you are.
  578.  
  579. --Shit, shit,shit-- You mutter, rubbing your arms firmly as you make your way back to the truck.
  580.  
  581. You slide in you seat. The interior holds a comfortable warmth.
  582.  
  583. Chloe has fallen asleep to it, lulled by the soft hum of the engine and the slow setting darkness.
  584.  
  585. She looks beautiful: pale face, head abandoned on her shoulder, softly parted lips.
  586.  
  587. She is quiet, and still.
  588.  
  589. So still.
  590.  
  591. You whisper: -Wake up.
  592.  
  593. A car roars past you in the road.
  594.  
  595. Nothing else moves.
  596.  
  597. You open your mouth to speak, louder this time, but your throat is dry. You swallow, and again. Your head is thumping rhythmically.
  598.  
  599. You remember how to move, and grab Chloe's arm.
  600.  
  601. She jolts awake, rubs her face: --Shit. What?
  602.  
  603. You fall back against your seat. You manage to tell her: -We... can go now.
  604.  
  605. You look straight in front of you. Your ears have started buzzing, loudly. You dry swallow, and again, your throat feels sandpapery.
  606.  
  607. --Max.
  608.  
  609. You gulp down on a breath of air that doesn't quite seem to fill your lungs. You try again. Jesus. And again. If only your head wasn't thumping so loudly, if your ears weren't ringing, you could focus, you could...
  610.  
  611. --Max!
  612.  
  613. Chloe grabs you by the chin and rips your face away from the road, and facing hers.
  614.  
  615. Her sharp blue eyes pierce into yours. You gasp, and blink.
  616.  
  617. She cups your cheeks: --Max, what's wrong? What's wrong?
  618.  
  619. You close your eyes, breathe deeply, shake your head: --Nothing. Nothing's wrong
  620.  
  621. --Bullshit. Look at me.
  622.  
  623. You bite your lip, keep your eyes shut.
  624.  
  625. --Look at me, Max.-- her voice is softer now. She rubs your cheekbones with the pads of her thumbs.
  626.  
  627. You open your eyes slowly, breathe in, breathe out.
  628.  
  629. Chloe's brow is furrowed, mouth hanging open like she is waiting to say something.
  630.  
  631. You anticipate her: --I'm ok.
  632.  
  633. Its true. Breathing comes easier now. The ringing in your ears is fading quickly.
  634.  
  635. She doesn't believe you. --Max, you are shaking.
  636.  
  637. --I'm... I'm just cold.
  638.  
  639. --Don't give me that crap. You were totally freaking out. What happened? Did you see something? Did you have... another vision, or... or...
  640.  
  641. --Chloe-- You grab her hands, take them off your face --It was nothing. I didn't see anything, nothing happened. I promise, it was nothing.
  642.  
  643. --Why are you lying? Don't you trust me by now?
  644.  
  645. --Don't you trust me when I say nothing's wrong? Jesus, Chloe.
  646.  
  647. She faces away abruptly, cranks the gear with a jerking motion.
  648.  
  649. --Fine,-- she spits, -- Be like that. Why do I even care.
  650.  
  651. She stomps on the throttle and the truck takes off.
  652.  
  653. Well. Shit.
  654.  
  655. For a long few minutes, the only sound is the crackling of the wheels on the icy road.
  656.  
  657. Your breathing is calm now but your heartbeat is still heavy in your ears. You dare to glance at Chloe.
  658.  
  659. She is pissed. Her forehead is so furrowed her eyebrows almost touch. One hand holds the steering wheel in a white knuckled grip.
  660.  
  661. The other is restless, thrumming against the window, rubbing her mouth and the back of her head.
  662.  
  663. You wait until she settles down a bit, then you take a deep breath and say: --Im sorry I creeped you out.
  664.  
  665. She gives you a quick, worried glance, then her eyes fall back on the road. --Max-- she sighs, --That's not... You didn't. That's not the point.
  666.  
  667. You are confused: --What is, then?
  668.  
  669. --Why would you... why did you feel like you had to lie to me? Why can't you just tell me what's wrong?
  670.  
  671. --I didn't lie.-- She scoffs, you insist: --Chloe. I swear. Nothing happened.
  672.  
  673. --Right. Then why did you freak out?
  674.  
  675. --I just... I just did. I freaked out at nothing. I don't know why. I just did.
  676.  
  677. Its true. What hit you were memories of things that never happened. That you made sure never happened. You can't lose your head about something that never happened. It would be ridiculous.
  678.  
  679. But Chloe's mouth is twisted in a thin line, her eyes icy on the road ahead.
  680.  
  681. --You don't believe me.-- You accuse
  682.  
  683. She doesn't answer.
  684.  
  685. You face the window. --Fine, then.
  686.  
  687.  
  688.  
  689. ...
  690.  
  691.  
  692.  
  693.  
  694.  
  695. That's the last any of you says until Chloe parks in front of Blackwell. As soon as the engine stops, you get out of the car.
  696.  
  697. Chloe follows you, closing her door with a thump.
  698.  
  699. --I know my way back.-- you sneer.
  700.  
  701. She just shrugs, and walks beside you.
  702.  
  703. You immediately feel like shit.
  704.  
  705. Why did you have to be so rude? God, Max. What the fuck are you doing?
  706.  
  707. Chloe was just trying to be a proper girlfriend. That's all she has been trying to do since you got together.
  708.  
  709. A prickly, dreadful feeling gets a hold of your neck. Shit. You messed up.
  710.  
  711. At the door to your dorms, you stop and turn to face her.
  712.  
  713. She isn't looking at you.
  714.  
  715. You scramble to make things right --Sorry I was bitchy.
  716.  
  717. Wow, Max. The master of eloquence.
  718.  
  719. Chloe just nods, looking like an abandoned puppy. Shit. Shit, shit.
  720.  
  721. She turns her head towards the campus entrance. For a moment you think she is about to leave.
  722.  
  723. Then she looks at you again, eyes like pools: --Max, I... I really don't feel like leaving you alone right now.
  724.  
  725. You don't really get why. Or why she's looking at you like you might crumble. But questioning her somehow doesn't feel like the right thing to do at the moment.
  726.  
  727. Plus, you feel like it might be a good occasion to try and salvage the evening after the stunt you pulled.
  728.  
  729. --Wanna sneak up to my room? We could watch a movie.-- You give a tentative smile, that feels about as real as a three dollar bill.
  730.  
  731. Still, her face immediately lights up: --That'd be neat.
  732.  
  733. She follows you as you make your way through stairs and corridors. The dorm is lit up, lively with people, a stark contrast against the cold silent evening outside.
  734.  
  735. You open the door to your room, and its like entering a fish bowl. Its dark and damp and quiet. Doesn't smell entirely nice either.
  736.  
  737. You light up the lanterns above your bed. The main light broke weeks ago, but you never bothered to fix it.
  738.  
  739. You grab a pile of clothes from your bed and move it to the couch. You open the window for good measure, and shudder at the cold wind.
  740.  
  741. --Sorry about the mess...-- lame, Caulfield.
  742.  
  743. Chloe flops down on your unmade bed, boots and all --It's no problem. It's just... so not like you.-- She points out, voice gravely.
  744.  
  745. You don't really know what to answer. You grab your laptop and close the window, confiding that the room has freshened up enough.
  746.  
  747. You scoot next to Chloe on the bed, opening the laptop on your knees.
  748.  
  749. -What do you wanna watch?--
  750.  
  751. She shrugs --Its whatever. You pick.
  752.  
  753. Fuck. Usually she'd either have a really strong opinion on her choice, or at this point she'd already be kissing you.
  754.  
  755. You click on a random file on your movie folder, without even bothering to check the title. Turns out to be an old Charlie Chaplin.
  756.  
  757. But you can't focus on it. You are too busy looking back on your day and listing in your head all your mistakes. You should have kept yourself in check. You should never have let your issues get the best of you. But today has been so hard.
  758.  
  759. Functioning like normal has been like trying to climb a descending escalator.
  760.  
  761. And you took it out on Chloe.
  762.  
  763. You were cold, you were distant, you were dismissive of her when she was worrying about you. And the harsh words you had for her a few minutes ago still ring in your head.
  764.  
  765. It sucks that you worked so hard to have her here, safe, and with you, and now you are too messed up to be a good girlfriend to her.
  766.  
  767. You wonder if that counted as your first fight as a couple.
  768.  
  769. There was no shouting, no big displays of anger, no actual confrontation. But you both hurt each other with your silences and stubbornness. And somehow you feel like yelling would have been better.
  770.  
  771. Healthier, even.
  772.  
  773. You really are doing a shitty job at all this girlfriend business.
  774.  
  775. You are very well aware of how stiff your body is, of how uncomfortable it must feel for Chloe to be beside you. And you know she's not following the movie, either. You feel her side eyeing you, you can almost touch the cloud of worry that irradiates from her.
  776.  
  777. You startle when Chloe's hand comes up to your neck. And immediately relax as her fingers start softly scratching your nape. A warm, slow chill runs down your spine, and you cant help but melt your body into hers, let your head fall on her shoulder.
  778.  
  779. Boy, does she knows your sweet spots. You breathe out, and feel your tension dissipate like smoke.
  780.  
  781. --Max,-- Chloe sighs against your hair, --I... I can't help you if you don't talk to me.
  782.  
  783. You feel yourself start to dismiss her again, tell her nothing is wrong. But you bite your tongue, swallow a lump, and whisper: --I'm sorry.
  784.  
  785. You know its not enough. You have to say something else.
  786.  
  787. You swallow again: --Its... not easy.
  788.  
  789. She hums softly --I know, baby.
  790.  
  791. She never called you that. You feel a surge of warmth spread through your chest, like you've been wrapped in a blanket.
  792.  
  793. You hide your face in the curve of her neck. God, you love her.
  794.  
  795. And you want to talk to her. You do. But what can you tell her? That you watched her die, so many times? That you have seen things go horribly wrong in countless ways? That you got hurt, so much, trying to avoid it?
  796.  
  797. Would she even look at you the same way if she knew?
  798.  
  799. A loud knock on your door makes you jolt up.
  800.  
  801. --Get out hippie, I know you're in there-- Victoria Chase calls out from the corridor --We're going to the Mockingbird. You better come with us this time.
  802.  
  803. You hurry to open the door, and try to ignore Chloe sighing deeply from your bed
  804.  
  805. --Hey victoria-- You smile, --Hey Kate-- you add once you spot her hanging about behind her.
  806.  
  807. --So, you're going to join us or you're too busy making out with your polaroid?-- Victoria leans on your doorway, then she spots Chloe, who hasn't moved from your bed and is making a point of staring straight at your laptop.
  808.  
  809. --She can come if she wants.-- Victoria offers, somewhat stiffly
  810.  
  811. --What do you say, Chloe? -- you ask hopefully. You want to get out the dense atmosphere of your room, but you don't want to leave your girlfriend just when you started to work through your earlier tensions. Spending the evening hanging out with a chatty crowd in a shitty hipster place sounds just like your thing.
  812.  
  813. Chloe doesn't seem exactly eager, but she picks up her jacket and shrugs: --Sure. I guess.
  814.  
  815. Victoria doesn't bother to hide an eyeroll, but Kate is smiling. Chloe winks at her and flicks her ear when she passes by her, and Kate giggles.
  816.  
  817. You are so, so glad those two actually like each other.
  818.  
  819. You lock up your room and join the rest of the group by the dorm entrance. Its mostly people from your photography class, plus two of victoria's less shitty former friends. Sometimes Dana joins you as well, but lately she has been too busy frolicking god knows where with her new boyfriend.
  820.  
  821. The Mockingbird is really close to the campus, so you go there by foot, all huddled up against the outside cold, feet crunching in the layer of snow.
  822.  
  823. Its really dark, and you walk pressed against Chloe's side. You kind of feel like holding her hand, but Kate is behind you, chatting with victoria about tomorrow's homework. Now its definitely not the best moment to come out to them.
  824.  
  825. You look up at Chloe, and spot her frowning.
  826.  
  827. She tolerates your freshly formed group of friends, but only barely. Mostly she can't stand Victoria.
  828.  
  829. She doesn't really grasp the concept of forgiving somebody. She should learn something from Kate, who's now walking arm in arm with the girl who brought her on the edge of a roof only a few months ago.
  830.  
  831. That's... still not nice to think about. You shiver and get even closer too Chloe's side.
  832.  
  833. Too close too fast apparently, as you end up bumping her shoulder and making her lose her balance. She playfully bumps you in return and you stumble, giggle, and purposefully crush into her again.
  834.  
  835. --God you two are so gross-- Victoria calls out from behind you
  836.  
  837. --Victoria, be nice-- Kate scolds her, and even if you can't see them from behind you, you can literally feel Victoria rolling her eyes.
  838.  
  839. You reach the Mockingbird in a few minutes. Its an old warehouse that the city rented to some former Blackwell students to turn it into an art gallery. And of course it immediately morphed into a pub slash coffee shop.
  840.  
  841. Its so pretentiously hipsterish it hurts your soul. But its nice to have somewhere to hang out so close to your school, especially if in that somewhere they always "forget" to ask for IDs.
  842.  
  843. There are quite a few people hanging about. Most of them from your school. You let out a sigh of relief, and you hope being around people will distract you from focusing too much on yourself. And maybe the evening will take a turn for the better.
  844.  
  845.  
  846.  
  847. ...
  848.  
  849.  
  850.  
  851. It doesn't.
  852.  
  853. Well, it would have, if Chloe weren't so insistently moping beside you.
  854.  
  855. The conversation is pleasant, the music is good, the decor is tasteful, and you are actually having a great time. But you guess spending the last half hour talking incessantly about photography had your girlfriend feeling a little left out.
  856.  
  857. When Victoria starts listing in detail the structural differences between the Canon and Nikon reflex, Chloe sighs, grabs her coat and stands up.
  858.  
  859. --Im going for a smoke.-- she grumbles.
  860.  
  861. You hesitate, pondering whether to follow her or not. She looked bored and pissed and like she could really use a friend.
  862.  
  863. But what would your other friends think if you immediately rushed behind her? It would be a good occasion to come clean about your new relationship with chloe, but it somehow doesn't feel right to do it without her beside you. Also, you feel like Kate could use a little one on one preparation beforehand.
  864.  
  865. The universe must take pity on you because suddenly, the phone Chloe left on the table starts to vibrate.
  866.  
  867. You can see its Justin texting her, inviting the both of you to hang out to the skate park tomorrow.
  868.  
  869. It can definitely wait, but you are not about to pass out on the excuse to chase after Chloe.
  870.  
  871. --I'm... just gonna bring this to her, guys.--
  872.  
  873. Nobody questions you, and you bolt after your girlfriend.
  874.  
  875. She is out of the backdoor, leaning against the old discoloured wall, barely lit by the streetlights in the distance.
  876.  
  877. She is still lighting up her cigarette, holding a hand in front of the flame to shield it from the cold wind.
  878.  
  879. You rub your arms and walk fast to reach her.
  880.  
  881. She looks up to you. You hold up her phone --You got a text.
  882.  
  883. She takes a long slow drag off her cigarette --Who is it?
  884.  
  885. --Only Justin, --you say, but when she holds out her free hand to take her phone, you hold it out of her reach.
  886.  
  887. Instead, you step in her personal space and slide it into the back pocket of her jeans.
  888.  
  889. She looks down at you with wide, liquid eyes.
  890.  
  891. And in that moment you decide that you don't give a fuck if anyone sees you.
  892.  
  893. You slide your hands inside her jacket, tilt your head up, and kiss her. Slowly.
  894.  
  895. You can feel her surprise in the stiffness of her lips.
  896.  
  897. Then she relaxes, tries to open her mouth against yours, but you pull back slightly, tilt your head to the other side, and kiss her again, but at your own pace. Soft, and quiet.
  898.  
  899. She indulges you, but you can feel her tense up with impatience. The hand that is not holding the cigarette comes up to your back, holding you closer.
  900.  
  901. Even if you keep your lips tender, and you only barely let your tongue touch hers, you can feel her breathing become labored against your skin.
  902.  
  903. Maybe she is not used to you taking the initiative. Or maybe, for all her passionate forceful kisses, this slow gentle pace is what secretly drives her crazy.
  904.  
  905. Its exhilarating, actually, to think that your friends could walk out in any moment, see you pressed up against your girlfriend. Kissing her thoroughly, taking your time with it, because there is no rush, because you just can.
  906.  
  907. You slide your hands from under her jacked up to her sides, then up to her head to thread into her hair. You brush the tip of her tongue with your own, and she actually mewls, and her knees jerk against yours. You grab her ears and don't let her deepen the kiss. Instead, you take her lower lip softly between your own. She pulls you even closer by the small of your back, exhaling deeply through her nose against your cheek.
  908.  
  909. She jerks away abruptly, and yelps: --Fuck!
  910.  
  911. She throws her cigarette on the ground. It has burned to a stump and scorched the fingers who held it.
  912.  
  913. --Oh, no!-- you say grabbing her injured hand --Let me see that.--
  914.  
  915. Its definitely nothing serious, but she is frowning, probably is her pride what burns the most.
  916.  
  917. You can't stop yourself from smiling. You can't believe her you got her so distracted that she forgot about her cigarette.
  918.  
  919. Driven by a new boldness, you pull her hand up and take her fingers in your mouth. Her skin is salty against your tongue.
  920.  
  921. Her eyes widen and her breath hitches. You can see a visible blush creep up from the collar of her jacket up to her cheeks, to her ears.
  922.  
  923. You let go of her hand, and smile: --All better?
  924.  
  925. She bats her eyes, shakes her head an laughs breathily: --Shit, Caulfield.
  926.  
  927. The door of the club bangs open. You whip your head around, and see victoria come out. Of course its Victoria.
  928.  
  929. You are still holding Chloe's hand close to your face, she's still resting her palm on your hip. It's a struggle, but you don't pull back. You stay perfectly still, and actually manage a smile.
  930.  
  931. --What's up?-- you say
  932.  
  933. You can see Victoria's face twist from shock, then into a frown, then distend into an oh so typical eyeroll.
  934.  
  935. --Just checking you hadn't frozen to death. If you weirdos are done with your creepy bonding rituals, our drinks have finally arrived.
  936.  
  937. --We'll be right there.-- you say. Victoria nods quickly, her lips suddenly very tightly pressed together. Then slips inside the door without another word.
  938.  
  939. You sigh and step away from Chloe. She starts heading back towards the club, but your hold her hand tighter and stop her in her tracks.
  940.  
  941. You gulp, --Listen Chloe, I...--
  942.  
  943. You close your eyes, sigh, and try again. --I'm sorry, Chloe. Today hasn't been easy. I didn't mean to...
  944.  
  945. She smiles, puts a hand on your shoulder --Max,I told you, It's alright if you...
  946.  
  947. --That's not... please let me finish.-- You take another deep breath, she doesn't interrupt you again, so you have no choice but to continue.
  948.  
  949. --Chloe, i... messed up a lot back in october. I always... somehow managed to fix it. But even if things turned out ok, I still remember it. Every time things went horribly wrong. I...-- You rub your brow, stare at the ground --We fucked up. We got really hurt. I got hurt bad. And you...--
  950.  
  951. You swallow, you can't do this. Not yet. --I will tell you about it someday. But... the point is, even if things are fine, even if technically those fucked up things never happened, someday its just hard to remember I am on the right place. Where everything... where everything is fine. And today I just...-- You sigh, and can't find any more words.
  952.  
  953. --I get it, Max.--
  954.  
  955. You look up at her, her eyes are so kind your chest tighten. She continues: --You don't have to talk about it yet, if you don't want to. Just... please, don't try to pretend you are okay when you are not. Let me help you. That's what I'm here for, alright?
  956.  
  957. You feel all the remaining tension from the day finally slip off your shoulders. You sigh deeply, then smile: --Alright.
  958.  
  959. She scratches lightly the nape of your neck --We'll be fine. Eventually.
  960.  
  961. You hum softly, raise on your toes to kiss her chin --Yeah.-- you breathe --Yeah, we will be.
  962.  
  963.  
  964.  
  965.  
  966.  
  967.  
  968. _________________________________________________________________________
  969.  
  970.  
  971.  
  972.  
  973.  
  974.  
  975. Part 3: From the Nape of Her Neck
  976.  
  977.  
  978. Of all the words you could use to describe chloe price, “soft” had never been one of them.
  979. But now, with her bare chest pressed against yours, her lips fluttering kisses against your shoulder, it’s the only word you can think of.
  980.  
  981. Jesus. How did this happen?
  982. This is Max Caulfield. You grew up with her. She peed in your pool when you were six.
  983. How did she end up on your lap, mostly naked, hands in your hair, sucking on your bottom lip and making your head swim?
  984.  
  985. https://s3.amazonaws.com/data.tumblr.com/8ae59da2a48f3678cdd5c34742e7a6e2/tumblr_nvq0yikcVk1qid28eo1_raw.png
  986.  
  987. _________________________________________________________________________
  988.  
  989.  
  990.  
  991. Chloe.
  992.  
  993.  
  994.  
  995. You don’t understand the universe at all.
  996.  
  997. It put you through five years in which every day was like a punch in the soul, took away the people you loved most, unravelled your hopes for the future one thread at a time…
  998.  
  999. Just to bring you here, on the coldest January of your fucking life, in your snow covered garden, with your favourite person in the world.
  1000.  
  1001. Who has recently become your girlfriend.
  1002.  
  1003. Who is currently giggling like a schoolgirl while building a snow cock as tall as she is.
  1004.  
  1005. – That’s not what the head is supposed to look like at all. – You tell her.
  1006.  
  1007. Max rolls her eyes: –Then why don’t you do it?
  1008.  
  1009. –You are the artsy one.
  1010.  
  1011. –you are the one with the first hand experience.
  1012.  
  1013. You throw a snowball at her fucking face. She squeals, and hides behind her sculpture.
  1014.  
  1015. –You wouldn’t dare harm my penis.
  1016.  
  1017. –Our penis– you correct her
  1018.  
  1019. –I didn’t know we had joint custody. Of the dick I made
  1020.  
  1021. – Which was my idea.– You circle her masterpiece and put your arms around her.
  1022.  
  1023. She looks so fucking cute with her head peeking from the hood of her parka, nose red with cold and eyes sparkly with amusement.
  1024.  
  1025. Max anticipates your thoughts: –You are so not allowed to kiss me against a giant snow cock.
  1026.  
  1027. You pull her hood down to her chin –You don’t know how to have fun.
  1028.  
  1029. But you stay put. Mostly because Joyce is still in the house, and she doesn’t know yet you and Max are together.
  1030.  
  1031. Because Max wants to tell people in the proper order at the proper time or some bullshit.
  1032.  
  1033. Truth is, she is quite comfortable in the closet. But she will never admit it if it kills her.
  1034.  
  1035. –You know what our snow dick really needs?–
  1036.  
  1037. Maks lifts up her hood –A snow condom?
  1038.  
  1039. –Better– you smile, as you slowly unravel her scarf.
  1040.  
  1041. A Few minutes later, when Joyce pokes her head from the glass door, the snow cock is wearing max's scarf and your beanie, and you are currently arguing whether it could use button eyes and carrot nose or if its perfect like it is.
  1042.  
  1043. –Really, chloe?- says your mother -why must you do this every winter?
  1044.  
  1045. –I’m innocent. Max built it.
  1046.  
  1047. Max scoffs –well thanks a lot, Judas
  1048.  
  1049. –I dont care who built it. that monstrosity better be gone by the time i get home. Do we understand each other?
  1050.  
  1051. –yeah wathever.- you roll your eyes.
  1052.  
  1053. –travel safe, joyce- Max says, as polite as ever.
  1054.  
  1055. –thank you dear. And please make it so that the house is still in one piece in the morning.
  1056.  
  1057. Max giggles: –you can count on me.
  1058.  
  1059. As soon as you hear your mother’s car rolling out of the driveway, you tug your girlfriend close by her arms until she is flush against you.
  1060.  
  1061. –Its getting cold out here– You hum against her forehead –You know what I’m thinking?
  1062.  
  1063. –That we should go bake cookies?
  1064.  
  1065. –We should definitely bake fucking cookies.
  1066.  
  1067.  
  1068.  
  1069.  
  1070.  
  1071.  
  1072. The sun has set outside and darkness is slowly spreading in your room.
  1073.  
  1074. You really wish Max would hurry up with her shower because what you have ready in your laptop is the best. Movie. Ever.
  1075.  
  1076. It’s not, actually. It’s so bad. But max will definitely love it, because she is a nerd. You can already picture her laughing against your shoulder.
  1077.  
  1078. This is going to be perfect.
  1079.  
  1080. Sprawled on your bed, on your comfiest flannel pajama pants, laptop warm against your belly, you scroll lazily down your facebook while you wait. Your hair is still slightly damp from your own shower and your scalp still slightly itchy from the dye.
  1081.  
  1082. For a few months you had actually considered going back to blonde. But yesterday Max casually mentioned how much she liked you in blue and, well. You were done for.
  1083.  
  1084. You hear your door open and you give a distracted glance up from your laptop. And you do a double take.
  1085.  
  1086. Because Max is standing in the middle of your room, wrapped only in a towel.
  1087.  
  1088. –Uhm– she hesitates –I kinda forgot my Pj.
  1089.  
  1090. And sure as day, her pajamas are right there, neatly folded at the foot of your bed.
  1091.  
  1092. You sit up, and push your laptop next to you.
  1093.  
  1094. Is she…
  1095.  
  1096. Is she coming on to you?
  1097.  
  1098. No. There’s absolutely no way. You know Max Caulfield since you were five and she sat on your sand castle, and there is no way she would use such cheap tactics to get into your pants. As if you aren’t extremely eager to let her in there.
  1099.  
  1100. Also, she’s blushing. And not the good blush that fills her cheeks when you take your time in kissing her. The bad one, that takes her whole face up to her ears, the one she had when you were twelve and the teacher wouldn’t let her go to the bathroom and she had to spell out to the whole class that she had got her period.
  1101.  
  1102. She definitely didn’t plan this.
  1103.  
  1104. But she isn’t running to grab her clothes either. If she would, you’d be making fun of her now, easing up the tension by yelling something crude at her back as she locks herself in the bathroom, laughing.
  1105.  
  1106. But she isn’t really doing anything. She is just standing there, worrying her lip between her teeth, as if she’s waiting for you to speak.
  1107.  
  1108. Do something, Price. Be helpful.
  1109.  
  1110. You pick up her pajamas, and hand them to her.
  1111.  
  1112. She steps closer. But there is something hesitant in the way she reaches for her clothes, clutching the towel to her chest; it’s in the slowness of her movements, in the way she keeps her chin low to look at you through her still damp bangs.
  1113.  
  1114. Oh, fuck this.
  1115.  
  1116. Before she can touch them, you fling her pajamas behind your back, hear them hit the wall and flop to the ground.
  1117.  
  1118. She stares at you with wide blue eyes and parted lips.
  1119.  
  1120. Come on Max, scold me. Laugh. Call me an asshole and go grab your clothes.
  1121.  
  1122. But she doesn’t.
  1123.  
  1124. This situation is not gonna solve itself if you just sit there.
  1125.  
  1126. So you reach for her hand and tug her closer, and she steps in, sits on your lap, and you don’t know who started it but you’re kissing.
  1127.  
  1128. Okay. Looks like this is happening.
  1129.  
  1130. You try your best to focus to provide a satisfying kiss but you can’t, not really. You are way too distracted by her thighs pressing close to your hips, and the fact that there’s only a towel between your hands and her bare skin.
  1131.  
  1132. Jesus. How did this happen?
  1133.  
  1134. This is Max Caulfield. You grew up with her. She peed in your pool when you were six.
  1135.  
  1136. How did she end up on your lap, mostly naked, hands in your hair, sucking on your bottom lip and making your head swim?
  1137.  
  1138. Shit. Keep it cool, Price. How many times have you done this? Way too many to be this clumsy.
  1139.  
  1140. So you grab her thighs, and she gasps in your mouth, and fuck, her skin is really smooth and warm and still slightly damp from her shower, and you can’t help but bite down on her lip.
  1141.  
  1142. But is Max… is she really trying to make things head that way? Maybe she just wants to make out. Which would be fine, actually. By now you are well used to stopping in your tracks and biting down your arousal and pretending you don’t want to eat her out until she screams.
  1143.  
  1144. You pry yourself away from her mouth and latch your lips to her neck because you need to think and if you are pressing kisses to that soft spot under her jaw she will be too distracted to notice you are faltering.
  1145.  
  1146. You are getting ahead of yourself, Price. Keep it cool. The fact that she is half naked on your lap means nothing. Nothing will come of this. In a moment she will stand up, laugh, and joke about how both of you need another shower, colder this time.
  1147.  
  1148. There is no way, no way she’d want to do this like this, out of the blue, without any planning. Jesus you never even talked about it. Not even mentioned it. It was just somehow silently implied that at some point, since you are girlfriends now, eventually you’d fuck.
  1149.  
  1150. And she’s kissing you again now, slowly teasing your tongue out of your mouth to chase hers. You are this close to losing your head.
  1151.  
  1152. You almost don’t notice at first how loose her towel has become. Until she just reaches behind herself and tugs it away, and you hear it fall on the floor by your bed.
  1153.  
  1154. It always takes you aback, how brave she is.
  1155.  
  1156. But you are a coward, and you don’t dare break the kiss to look at her. Instead, you grab her face and hold her close, as you know she likes, just to mask the fact that you don’t have the guts to to what you have to do next.
  1157.  
  1158. And of course, deep down you knew. You knew she wanted to do it, you knew it from a long time. Since that night in Blackwell’s pool when she was staring you through half lidded eyes, you knew you could have pressed her against the edge of the pool and taken her right then and there and she would just have encouraged you.
  1159.  
  1160. And that’s exactly why all this time you pretended you didn’t know. Because you didn’t want to admit to yourself that all along, for all your experience, it was you who weren’t ready.
  1161.  
  1162. But she must notice how tense you are, because she backs away slightly and grabs your ears, and whispers: –Chloe.
  1163.  
  1164. That sends a wave of warmth rolling through your chest to your belly. You press your lips to her throat and wrap your arms around her back.
  1165.  
  1166. And she is so small, like a bird. And her skin is the softest, warmest you have ever touched, and you can feel her chest pressed against yours even through your shirt.
  1167.  
  1168. She sighs deeply when you kiss her mouth again, and that’s it. That does it.
  1169.  
  1170. You hold her tight and flip yourselves over until her back hits the mattress.
  1171.  
  1172. You hear her gasp, and she twists her hands in your hair again. You get lost in kissing her, barely even aware of her legs tangling with yours.
  1173.  
  1174. She struggles to tug your shirt up, and you lift your arms to help her.
  1175.  
  1176. The first contact of her skin against yours has you biting down on the curve of her neck. She mewls, and presses her hands hard on your bare back, and you grab her behind the knee to have her wrap her legs around you and-
  1177.  
  1178. Your elbow hits your laptop, hard, and you hear it tumbling on the floor with a worrying crash.
  1179.  
  1180. You raise your head: – Fuck.
  1181.  
  1182. Max snorts a laugh: – Oh, no.
  1183.  
  1184. She twists around to look at the damage, but you hold her down with your bodyweight: – Leave that.
  1185.  
  1186. You try to go back to pressing kisses on her lips, but she giggles against your mouth.
  1187.  
  1188. You raise your head slightly, smiling. –What?
  1189.  
  1190. She scratches your scalp, softly, eyes closed and dopey smile on her lips –Did I just cost you a laptop?
  1191.  
  1192. You press your mouth against her cheek. –Fuck the laptop– you mumble
  1193.  
  1194. –No, fuck me.
  1195.  
  1196. You snort, and burst in a quick breathy laugh. You can’t believe she just said that, the corny little shit.
  1197.  
  1198. She must not believe it either because she is giggling, and her face is red, but the good kind of red that takes up her cheeks.
  1199.  
  1200. Oh, you realize, she’s nervous. She’s really nervous, despite all the confidence she displayed earlier. You know it by how she can’t quite look at you, and her lips, despite being curled into a smile, are pressed tightly together.
  1201.  
  1202. –Nerd.– you laugh breathily, and kiss her softly, once, thrice, until she sighs and relaxes against you, hands limp around your shoulders. Then you hook her leg around your hips, and press your palm on her belly.
  1203.  
  1204. You kiss the corner of her mouth: –I’ll touch you now, – you mumble, –Ok?
  1205.  
  1206. –Ok.– She breathes out.
  1207.  
  1208. And you’re really not surprised to find her wet. But you had no idea what it would do to you.
  1209.  
  1210. You heartbeat suddenly speed up and you can hear the blood roaring in your ears. You have to duck your face down in the crook of her neck because you can’t look at her anymore, you’re not strong enough.
  1211.  
  1212. You focus on pressing soft circles against her. You focus on the way her breath itches. You focus on biting down lightly on the side of her throat. You try to learn what she likes from the small ways her body tenses, from when you feel her hands on your back hold on tighter.
  1213.  
  1214. You think you have started to find the right pace, the one she likes best, when suddenly she gets real tense beneath you and sucks in a sharp breath.
  1215.  
  1216. You prop yourself up on your elbow, hand now resting on her inner thigh, and you look down at her.
  1217.  
  1218. Her face is flushed and all scrunched up, eyes and lips pressed tightly shut. Her hands are clutched one in your hair, the other on the hem of your pajama pants.
  1219.  
  1220. It takes you a while to process it.
  1221.  
  1222. –Did you just…
  1223.  
  1224. After a second, she slumps down, she groans, and slaps her palm on her face.
  1225.  
  1226. You laugh an airy, stunned laugh, and she hides against your shoulder, mumbling: –Oh god, shut up. Shut up.
  1227.  
  1228. You can’t help but mock her –Well damn, Caulfield I knew I was good, but…–
  1229.  
  1230. She snorts a laugh against the crook of your neck. – that was so embarassing.
  1231.  
  1232. –No way, It was adorable.
  1233.  
  1234. She giggles –Fuck off.
  1235.  
  1236. You hum and press soft kisses to her lips until she stops giggling and kisses you back, sighing contentedly.
  1237.  
  1238. Then you move your arm back between your bodies, rise up slightly on your elbow, and slide a finger inside her.
  1239.  
  1240. She gasps and shuts her eyes close. You murmur against her ear: – What, did you think I was done with you?
  1241.  
  1242. She breathes out another soft laugh, then inhales sharply. She bites her lip, and then yours. She twists her hands in your hair and you duck down to suck on her neck.
  1243.  
  1244. You find a rhythm that has her arching her back against you. You crook your finger inside her and she buries a moan in her throat, –oh, – then exhales: –…that’s good.
  1245.  
  1246. –Yeah?– you mumble against her neck.
  1247.  
  1248. –Yeah.
  1249.  
  1250. You hum and let your kisses travel lower, past her collarbone, between her breasts. You feel her heart thumping wildly against your lips.
  1251.  
  1252. You try to add a second finger inside her, but you are met with some resistance. She flinches, and immediately grabs your wrist.
  1253.  
  1254. –Too much?– you ask.
  1255.  
  1256. She nods quickly, and you move your hand away, grab her thigh instead.
  1257.  
  1258. –I… I didn’t say you should stop– she whispers.
  1259.  
  1260. –I’m not.
  1261.  
  1262. You trail your kisses lower. She is thin, but her belly is really soft, like she doesn’t have an ounce of muscle about her. Her skin smells like soap, and its damp with salty sweat around her navel.
  1263.  
  1264. Past her hipbones, you duck your head to the side to suck on the soft flesh of her inner thigh. By now you can literally smell how turned on she is.
  1265.  
  1266. You feel her twisting against the sheets. You look up at her face, and she is staring at you in mild disbelief, mouth agape, eyes cloudy.
  1267.  
  1268. You lift her leg on your shoulder, close your eyes, and put your mouth on her.
  1269.  
  1270. Her back tenses immediately, arching up from the bed. You put your arm around her hips to keep her down.
  1271.  
  1272. She is trying hard to stay quiet, but she can’t quite stop the short, small gasps that escape her lips. You find that so endearing, you feel your chest could burst. And it makes you want to work harder.
  1273.  
  1274. When you slip your tongue inside her, her hand shots out to grab the sheet, twisting it hard in her fist.
  1275.  
  1276. You reach up to loosen her fingers from the fabric, and tangle them with yours instead. You bring your joined hands to rest on her hip, that you can feel spasming with every movement of your lips and tongue.
  1277.  
  1278. When you feel her free hand suddenly move down to grip your hair, you know she’s getting close.
  1279.  
  1280. You have to work harder this time to tip her off the edge. But you don’t exactly mind. To be honest with yourself, the only reason why you haven’t slipped your hand down your pants yet is because you don’t want to stop holding her.
  1281.  
  1282. She comes suddenly, but really hard. You know it by how her shoulders rise up from the bed, from her vice grip on your hair, by the strangled gasp that rips out her throat.
  1283.  
  1284. After a moment she sighs, relaxes back against the bed. You try to bring her down gently, with soft slow licks. Her leg twitches on your shoulder from the after shocks.
  1285.  
  1286. Then, when her hand goes limp from your hair and falls down to her side, you raise up, plant a kiss on her hip, and wipe your mouth on the back of your hand.
  1287.  
  1288. You crawl back up to face her. She still has her eyes closed. She still twitches, but rarely.
  1289.  
  1290. You whisper: –Good?
  1291.  
  1292. – Hm-hmm…
  1293.  
  1294. You laugh a little. God, you’re so turned on. But Max is definitely getting sleepy. And you don’t want to work around awkwardly explaining her how to touch you right now. Your jaw hurts enough as it is.
  1295.  
  1296. You mumble: – ‘s too fucking cold.– And reach behind you to grab the comforter, wrap it around your bodies.
  1297.  
  1298. As soon as you have your arms around her, Max snuggles into your shoulder hand sighs.
  1299.  
  1300. She murmurs something on your skin, something about pictures.
  1301.  
  1302. –What?– you whisper, but she is not answering you anymore.
  1303.  
  1304. You hold her tighter, and close your eyes.
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