1
00:00:04,960 --> 00:00:07,600
PETE: Ben! Karen! For the last time,

2
00:00:07,680 --> 00:00:11,240
they are not light-sabres,
they are toilet brushes!

3
00:00:11,320 --> 00:00:12,800
Put them back!

4
00:00:12,880 --> 00:00:15,320
DOOR CLOSES
-SUE:It's us.
-God Almighty.

5
00:00:15,400 --> 00:00:18,680
They've 500 Christmas presents
and they're...

6
00:00:18,760 --> 00:00:20,480
Jake, are you all right?
You look a bit...

7
00:00:20,560 --> 00:00:25,360
-Yeah, I think you should sit down.
He's gone into shock.
-Why, what happened?

8
00:00:25,440 --> 00:00:27,680
Are the sales always like that?

9
00:00:27,760 --> 00:00:31,800
-Oh, yeah.
-It's just like rugby
but played by old ladies.

10
00:00:31,880 --> 00:00:33,960
Oh, did you get that CD player?

11
00:00:34,040 --> 00:00:37,320
Mum had the last one in her hand
then some old bitch snatched it.

12
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-Jake!
-Sorry, my fault...
I shouldn't have called her that.

13
00:00:40,400 --> 00:00:42,040
-Er, Sue?
-What?

14
00:00:42,120 --> 00:00:43,520
It's 11 in the morning.

15
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Oh, yeah... Ah, but it's
Christmas, it's all right.

16
00:00:47,800 --> 00:00:50,720
Mummy, I've made
my New Year's resolutions.

17
00:00:50,800 --> 00:00:54,480
-Oh, good.
-"I will not poke
my fingers in the butter."

18
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-I didn't know you did that...
but good.
-"I will not chew my duvet."

19
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-Excellent.
-"I will not
call people idiots."

20
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-Very good.
-"Mummy will stop nagging me."

21
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Yeah that's... No, hang on,
you can't make resolutions
for other people.

22
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"Mummy will stop giving me cabbage."

23
00:01:08,360 --> 00:01:10,440
No, no, you make resolutions
for yourself.

24
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Dad? You know our burglars?

25
00:01:13,600 --> 00:01:16,880
Well, I don't really think
of them as "our" burglars...

26
00:01:16,960 --> 00:01:21,360
I'm surprised that they didn't
take my lucky pig skull.
Who wouldn't want that?

27
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Yeah, I mean exactly,
what were they thinking?

28
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-Maybe they've already got one.
-I think it'd be worth £30,000 on eBay.

29
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Most cars don't even
cost that, do they?

30
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Well, I only got £50
for our car on eBay.

31
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Yeah, well we said we wouldn't
talk about that, didn't we?

32
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That man was very annoyed.

33
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Karen, I will make
New Year's resolutions
but I will choose my own.

34
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But your resolutions are rubbish.
They're always stuff like,

35
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"I will eat less biscuits
so I get more thinner."

36
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or "I will learn Italian."
But what we really need
is for you to stop nagging.

37
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-Don't be so rude!
-See? Like then, you're nagging.

38
00:02:01,080 --> 00:02:02,480
I do not nag. I...

39
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You may learn Italian, but then
you could just nag in Italian.

40
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Can you stop banging on about me
learning Italian? Anyway, how many
resolutions have you got there?

41
00:02:11,720 --> 00:02:14,400
-Er, 48.
-And how many are for you?

42
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Some.

43
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Three.

44
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Idiots.

45
00:02:23,240 --> 00:02:26,480
Ben can't understand
why the burglars didn't
take his piece of chewing gum

46
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that was spat out by Cesc Fabregas.

47
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I'm quite surprised they didn't
take Jake's iPod, because it was
just sitting here on the counter.

48
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I think the mess may have
worked in our favour there.

49
00:02:36,680 --> 00:02:39,120
It's a bit odd that they took
the CD player but no CDs.

50
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Anyone who likes Phil Collins
is going to be way too old
and feeble to get over our gate.

51
00:02:43,320 --> 00:02:44,800
There's Oasis...

52
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-and Coldplay. That came out last year.
-You've no idea, do you?

53
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-Well, anyway they could have taken
the CDs and sold them.
-Yeah, like anyone BUYS CDs nowadays.

54
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Well, some people do. Some people
acquire their music legally.

55
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Here we go.

56
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That downloading you do,
that is basically theft.

57
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-Everyone else does it.
-Just because everyone else
does it, doesn't make it OK.

58
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-I knew you were going to say that.
-All right. Look, I've downloaded
the claim form online.

59
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Amazingly, I found some receipts...

60
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and our total loss is...

61
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-£302.59
-Right...what's the excess?

62
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It's going to be
three hundred pounds, isn't it?

63
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Er...yep.

64
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Thank you, Father Christmas.

65
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I can't get it out from
behind the radiator.

66
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Yeah, yeah... It's that yellow
dinosaur Auntie Jean gave him.

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-It's really stuck.
-I'll have another go
with the skewer in a moment.

68
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I think it's his arm that's stuck.

69
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I'll have another go with
the skewer in a moment.

70
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-Ow... Can't get it out!
Somebody, please! Ow.
-All right, all right...

71
00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:50,040
You shouldn't be trying to
rescue Ben's stupid dinosaur,

72
00:03:50,120 --> 00:03:52,640
you should be trying to rescue Rusty.

73
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He's not a toy,
he's a living hamster.

74
00:03:56,160 --> 00:03:58,040
Well, let's hope so...

75
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Ben, look, if you got it in,
you must be able to get it out.

76
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Just ease...ease it out.
I was supposed to be
looking after him.

77
00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:07,800
-There!
-He's the class hamster
and I had a duty of care.

78
00:04:07,880 --> 00:04:11,560
Yeah, well he's stuck
under the floor. I'm not
ripping up the floorboards.

79
00:04:11,640 --> 00:04:15,360
I bet you'd rip the floorboards up
if Ben was stuck under there.

80
00:04:15,680 --> 00:04:17,160
Well...

81
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-we did.
-But what if a puppy was trapped?

82
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Well, then I might rip the floor up,
yeah, but I'm not going to...

83
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Well, how about a porpoise?

84
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-It's very unlikely...
-Yeah, but what if
a porpoise was stuck?

85
00:04:30,160 --> 00:04:36,680
OK, Karen. I promise that,
if a porpoise is ever trapped
under the floor, I will rescue it.

86
00:04:37,640 --> 00:04:40,680
-I'm going to write that down.
-SUE: Car keys...car keys.

87
00:04:40,760 --> 00:04:44,040
-No, this is my tent.
-I'd better be headed
off to get Dad soon.

88
00:04:44,120 --> 00:04:46,320
You've not forgotten Jane's
coming at 1pm, have you?

89
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I wish you'd mentioned it to me
before you invited her
for lunch, that's all.

90
00:04:49,400 --> 00:04:54,280
Well, Little Alexa's spending
Christmas with her dad,
and so Jane's on her own...

91
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and I don't think
she's got any friends.

92
00:04:56,760 --> 00:04:58,280
Yeah, well there's
a reason for that.

93
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Oh, it'll be fine. It'll be
good, it'll be like the
Christmases I remember.

94
00:05:01,800 --> 00:05:05,280
It'll be open house, people
dropping in, lots of noise...

95
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-Yeah, the noise of Jane moaning.
-Pete.

96
00:05:08,080 --> 00:05:11,280
Well, I'm sorry, but you know
she'll come round here and she will

97
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bang on about her terrible life
and her horrible ex-husband and...

98
00:05:15,360 --> 00:05:18,440
What is it with you and Christmas?
She's my friend. I want to...

99
00:05:18,520 --> 00:05:21,920
Yeah, well it's bad enough
having to see our families
without seeing friends, as well.

100
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Ben's not allowed in,
he's not a proper asylum seeker.

101
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And also, he's not wearing
any pants under his trousers.

102
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Ben, put some pants on!

103
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What is it with adults and pants?

104
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-So, how many Christmas
presents broken now?
-Er...

105
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six, by noon on Boxing Day. I think
we've beaten last year's record.

106
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So we're going to put
in a claim for £2.59.

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00:05:48,120 --> 00:05:51,320
-Well, its not worth
putting in, obviously...
-No...

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Unless...

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Unless?

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Well, unless...

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-Oh...unless...
-I mean there were loads of other
items, y'know, in the past...

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that we never claimed for.

113
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There was that video camera
that got reversed over.

114
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And that ring of mine
that got swallowed.

115
00:06:11,360 --> 00:06:14,880
-Yeah, and we could have put in
a claim for those and we didn't.
-I mean...

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if we were to...

117
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add on...the occasional item...
that would be OK, wouldn't it?

118
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-Oh, yeah, yeah. That would be fine.
-Two questions.

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One, if you didn't go to the toilet
for years would you explode?

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-Yes.
-And two, why do they call it Boxing Day?

121
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-Because you end up
knee-deep in boxes.
-Have you put your underpants on?

122
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Couldn't find any.
Maybe the robbers stole them.

123
00:06:41,640 --> 00:06:44,840
Ben, the robbers did not
steal your underpants.

124
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Not even drug-addled morons
would steal your underpants.

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-The robbers could have
had a baby.
-Ben...

126
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-And they need to give
something to their baby.
-They had your name in them.

127
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They could name their baby after me,
so it'd have the right name.

128
00:06:56,680 --> 00:07:01,040
-So they named their baby
after the name in your pants?
-Yeah!

129
00:07:01,120 --> 00:07:03,680
TOY BUZZES
Just leave that...

130
00:07:03,760 --> 00:07:07,760
leave the electrics alone,
we don't want to go to
casualty on Boxing Day.

131
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-They could be strange creatures
from another planet...
-Not the Aliens again.

132
00:07:11,720 --> 00:07:15,760
-And they think clothes are food,
so they...
-They're going to eat your pants?

133
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-Or maybe...
-Go and put some pants on!

134
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Right, best get moving.

135
00:07:22,600 --> 00:07:26,680
Don't want Dad to get
agitated or anxious. Oh, God.

136
00:07:26,800 --> 00:07:29,760
-What?
-Oh, I keep thinking
about that documentary.

137
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-Sue.
-The old people's home, where
everyone's mistreated and...

138
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that statistic of how many
old people die in the first year
of being put into...

139
00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:38,880
Listen...

140
00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:41,680
you did the right thing by your dad.

141
00:07:42,160 --> 00:07:45,640
You checked that place out
really thoroughly, didn't you?

142
00:07:45,920 --> 00:07:49,160
-He hasn't said anything, has he?
-No, he's OK...

143
00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:52,440
He did have that run-in
with the Russian carer.

144
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She over-reacted.

145
00:07:55,120 --> 00:07:56,880
Your dad's generation just aren't...

146
00:07:57,200 --> 00:07:59,280
politically correct, are they?

147
00:08:00,840 --> 00:08:03,720
And he's right, she does
look a bit like Stalin...

148
00:08:04,560 --> 00:08:07,640
The moustache doesn't help.

149
00:08:07,800 --> 00:08:11,400
SMASH
Mum! I think the robbers might
have broken your bedside lamp!

150
00:08:11,480 --> 00:08:14,600
Oh, for... Oh, just leave it!

151
00:08:14,680 --> 00:08:19,520
What have you put about the back
gate being open? That would make
the claim invalid, wouldn't it?

152
00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:21,200
It wasn't me.

153
00:08:23,200 --> 00:08:26,120
Well, I've put that
they forced it open...

154
00:08:26,200 --> 00:08:28,680
which they sort of did...

155
00:08:28,760 --> 00:08:31,720
except by using the handle
and turning...

156
00:08:31,800 --> 00:08:35,920
But it is quite stiff, so they
might well have had to do that...

157
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forcibly.

158
00:08:37,480 --> 00:08:42,000
-Yeah, but as long as
everyone knows that it wasn't me.
-Yes, yes, yes, we know...

159
00:08:44,960 --> 00:08:51,600
Actually darling, if a man comes
and asks if the gate was
left unlocked...

160
00:08:51,680 --> 00:08:54,000
it wasn't. But it was.

161
00:08:54,080 --> 00:08:56,200
Well, yes...

162
00:08:56,280 --> 00:08:58,800
but don't say it was unlocked.

163
00:08:58,880 --> 00:09:00,840
-But it was.
-Just say it wasn't...

164
00:09:00,920 --> 00:09:07,240
So you want me to lie.
So you're always saying "Oh, don't
lie" but now you're saying "do lie".

165
00:09:07,360 --> 00:09:09,200
Now you're saying, "Karen, lie".

166
00:09:09,280 --> 00:09:11,840
Well, how about...
you just don't say anything?

167
00:09:11,920 --> 00:09:13,840
But what if he asks me?

168
00:09:13,920 --> 00:09:16,120
-He won't.
-But what if he does?

169
00:09:16,640 --> 00:09:18,840
Then just say, "I don't know".

170
00:09:18,920 --> 00:09:22,000
But I do know.
You told me it was unlocked.

171
00:09:23,200 --> 00:09:25,120
We could have made a mistake.

172
00:09:25,200 --> 00:09:32,040
Or you could have lied. Because
you're lying to the insurance man
now, so you could be always lying.

173
00:09:32,160 --> 00:09:35,640
-Well...er...
-So I'll just say
that Mummy and Daddy

174
00:09:35,720 --> 00:09:40,840
said that the gate was locked but
they are big, fat liars.

175
00:09:44,920 --> 00:09:46,800
Well, that was Christmassy.

176
00:09:46,880 --> 00:09:49,640
Will they come back?
Will the burglars come back?

177
00:09:49,720 --> 00:09:52,120
What, the burglars could come back?

178
00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:55,960
Er, no, Karen, 'course not,
no-one's saying that.
The burglars aren't coming...

179
00:09:56,040 --> 00:10:00,800
But they could hit us
with their iron bars when...
when...when we're asleep.

180
00:10:00,880 --> 00:10:02,560
No-one's going to
hit you with anything.

181
00:10:02,640 --> 00:10:06,560
-Anyway, robbers just want to
take your stuff, not hurt you.
-What about the Vikings?

182
00:10:06,680 --> 00:10:08,560
-Vikings?
-Yeah, the Vikings.

183
00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:10,840
They would rob you AND hurt you.

184
00:10:10,920 --> 00:10:14,760
Actually, historians
now think that the Vikings
weren't nearly as violent...

185
00:10:14,840 --> 00:10:17,640
-Can we not worry about
the history here...
-And what about the thuggies?

186
00:10:17,720 --> 00:10:21,160
-They'd rob you and steal your kids
for slaves...
-SUE: Ben!

187
00:10:21,240 --> 00:10:23,600
-and then they'd burn your house down.
They could just...
-Ben!

188
00:10:23,680 --> 00:10:25,360
-pin you to a table...
-SUE:Ben...

189
00:10:25,440 --> 00:10:28,800
and go, "du-du-du-du-du" all over you
until you're little pieces of meat,

190
00:10:28,880 --> 00:10:30,480
then bury you under their palace.

191
00:10:30,560 --> 00:10:32,120
There aren't people
like that round now.

192
00:10:32,200 --> 00:10:34,760
But what about the things
that ARE now, like...

193
00:10:34,840 --> 00:10:39,520
Ben. ...you know, that group of
Mexican women who'd invite you
round to their house for smoothies...

194
00:10:39,640 --> 00:10:42,800
That was in Mexico.
they'd drug you. Ben!
And they hurt somebody cos

195
00:10:42,880 --> 00:10:46,040
-there were those two wrestling dwarfs
who came round...
-Wrestling dwarfs.

196
00:10:46,120 --> 00:10:49,240
-one of the women's houses.
She gave them her smoothies...
-SUE: Ben...

197
00:10:49,320 --> 00:10:51,120
and they drunk them cos
they were so small,

198
00:10:51,200 --> 00:10:54,160
-and they had a
dwarfing illness and...
-And none of this family...

199
00:10:54,240 --> 00:10:57,240
-it affected their system and they
just died.
-are dwarf wrestlers.

200
00:10:57,320 --> 00:10:59,280
-Can you stop him?
-Where are you learning this stuff?

201
00:10:59,400 --> 00:11:00,880
I think it was in RE.

202
00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:05,960
Listen, Karen, you don't have to
worry about robbers coming back.

203
00:11:06,080 --> 00:11:10,600
And in the unlikely event
that they did, they'd
only come when people were out.

204
00:11:10,760 --> 00:11:14,720
You said they were stupid
and take drugs and if
they were stupid and take drugs,

205
00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:20,760
they wouldn't be able to know if
the light was on in our house or
if the light was on in their head.

206
00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:22,400
Eh, eh, eh, come on.

207
00:11:22,480 --> 00:11:24,840
Listen, you, come here...

208
00:11:24,920 --> 00:11:29,600
You have got absolutely
nothing to worry about, OK?

209
00:11:29,680 --> 00:11:31,240
OK.

210
00:11:31,320 --> 00:11:36,240
Yeah, I promise you, as your dad,
that those robbers are never,

211
00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:38,640
ever coming back.

212
00:11:38,720 --> 00:11:41,800
-OK.
-OK? Off you go.

213
00:11:47,680 --> 00:11:49,680
Bet you they do come back, now.

214
00:11:49,760 --> 00:11:51,880
-Pete!
-Bob and Jean got turned over
four times on the trot...

215
00:11:51,960 --> 00:11:54,480
-Shh!
-and they've got an Alsatian.

216
00:11:54,880 --> 00:11:56,800
No, you can't, Ben, because A,

217
00:11:56,880 --> 00:12:00,440
that experiment is
WAY too complicated for
your new chemistry set,

218
00:12:00,840 --> 00:12:03,560
and B, that's probably how
swine flu started.

219
00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:06,160
Ooh. There's water
coming out of it now.

220
00:12:06,240 --> 00:12:10,320
Oh, God, well I definitely can't
turn the valve off that way...

221
00:12:10,400 --> 00:12:12,720
-I've dropped the barbecue tongs.
-Oh, for...

222
00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:17,280
-Ben, your dinosaur doesn't look
much like a dinosaur any more...
-Karen, shut up.

223
00:12:17,360 --> 00:12:19,240
It looks more like a, er...

224
00:12:19,320 --> 00:12:22,240
a jellyfish that's been in a fire.

225
00:12:22,320 --> 00:12:26,600
If you don't shut up, I'm going to
throw this radiator on top of you,
so just shush your head up...

226
00:12:26,680 --> 00:12:28,840
-Ok, everyone keep calm.
-Dad, turn the thing off.

227
00:12:28,920 --> 00:12:35,640
Ben...banging your head against
the wall is not keeping calm.

228
00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:38,360
Mum, everyone downloads for free.

229
00:12:38,440 --> 00:12:42,080
If you want me to be the only kid
in the world who pays for his music

230
00:12:42,160 --> 00:12:45,680
-then maybe I should get
more pocket money.
-Come off it, Jake.

231
00:12:45,760 --> 00:12:49,600
-Listen, titch. Look...
-Hey, you're only a few
millimetres taller than me.

232
00:12:49,680 --> 00:12:53,200
-Yeah, but from here on in you're
just going to keep getting shorter.
-Oi!

233
00:12:53,360 --> 00:12:58,720
Look, I'm just saying, Daddy,
you shouldn't have
really got any presents,

234
00:12:58,800 --> 00:13:03,480
because you don't believe
in God and Jesus and all that stuff.

235
00:13:03,560 --> 00:13:08,000
-But it's OK for you to get loads,
is it?
-Well, obviously,cos I'm a Christian.

236
00:13:08,080 --> 00:13:09,920
Well, you are at Christmas.

237
00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:13,280
-What?
-Nothing. Look, I can see it,
I can see it, so...

238
00:13:13,480 --> 00:13:18,000
Ben, you get ready to flick.
And, Karen, when I say "grab"...

239
00:13:18,160 --> 00:13:19,680
grab, OK?

240
00:13:19,760 --> 00:13:23,520
-So...flick and grab!
-KAREN: Ooh, ooh, ooh, I've got it!

241
00:13:23,600 --> 00:13:26,520
-That's the barbecue tongs out...
-What about my dinosaur?

242
00:13:26,600 --> 00:13:28,720
Well, I'll have another try later.
I've got the lunch to...

243
00:13:28,800 --> 00:13:31,320
But it's my favourite dinosaur.
It'll melt...

244
00:13:31,400 --> 00:13:34,160
-OK, OK. Look, calm down.
-Come back. It's my favourite toy.

245
00:13:34,240 --> 00:13:36,840
Listen both of you, why don't
you just go and relax in
front of the telly?

246
00:13:36,920 --> 00:13:38,320
Oh, OK.

247
00:13:39,200 --> 00:13:41,120
BEN: Whoo-hoo! Yeah!

248
00:13:44,360 --> 00:13:46,600
Karen? I said you could
both go and watch the telly.

249
00:13:46,680 --> 00:13:49,600
I think my arm's stuck.

250
00:13:50,120 --> 00:13:51,840
-'Course it is.
-Ow.

251
00:13:51,920 --> 00:13:56,960
And, when Dad buys his Oasis CDs,
he's just sort of giving money
to the Gallaghers, isn't he?

252
00:13:57,040 --> 00:14:01,240
And Noel has said in the past
that he used to spend all
his money on drugs and stuff,

253
00:14:01,320 --> 00:14:05,040
so you're basically just giving
money to drug barons who will likely
spend it on guns

254
00:14:05,120 --> 00:14:08,320
and then go and kill
bloody peasants. I mean
how moral is that, Mum?

255
00:14:08,400 --> 00:14:11,760
Well, that's all very ingenious,
Jake, but the fact remains

256
00:14:11,840 --> 00:14:15,280
that illegal downloading
is just theft.

257
00:14:15,360 --> 00:14:17,440
Like fiddling the insurance company?

258
00:14:20,200 --> 00:14:22,280
What are you watching?

259
00:14:22,360 --> 00:14:24,800
Well, it was some really
cool pictures of an earthquake

260
00:14:24,920 --> 00:14:28,280
but now it's just some stupid men
in suits coming on and saying sorry.

261
00:14:28,360 --> 00:14:30,400
Yeah, this is rubbish.

262
00:14:30,480 --> 00:14:32,360
Ah, it's a review of the year.

263
00:14:32,440 --> 00:14:35,800
2009, the year of the apology.

264
00:14:35,880 --> 00:14:37,840
-Who are those three?
-They're bankers.

265
00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:40,440
-They're apologising
to the country.
-What for?

266
00:14:40,520 --> 00:14:42,840
Well, they
lost a lot of our money...

267
00:14:42,920 --> 00:14:49,840
so then we had to give them even
more of our money to replace
our money that they'd lost.

268
00:14:49,920 --> 00:14:52,400
But they're idiots.
They should be fired.

269
00:14:52,480 --> 00:14:55,280
Well, he is...and was.
That's Sir Fred Goodwin.

270
00:14:55,360 --> 00:14:57,320
He was fired?

271
00:14:57,400 --> 00:14:59,120
Then what happened to him?

272
00:14:59,200 --> 00:15:01,160
We...

273
00:15:01,240 --> 00:15:03,640
gave him more of our money.

274
00:15:03,840 --> 00:15:06,040
-Oh, there's Gordon Brown.
-Boo, get him off.

275
00:15:06,120 --> 00:15:07,520
Is he saying sorry?

276
00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:09,720
No, that'd take too long.

277
00:15:09,800 --> 00:15:11,840
In terms of the morality of it...

278
00:15:11,920 --> 00:15:16,760
Look, this isn't about morality,
it's about insurance. They're
two entirely different concepts.

279
00:15:19,160 --> 00:15:22,080
-So, you're saying it's OK to
fiddle the insurance company?
-Yes.

280
00:15:22,160 --> 00:15:25,120
It's really no different
from my downloads, is it?

281
00:15:25,200 --> 00:15:28,320
-Well, yes, it is, actually.
-Basically, what you're
doing is just theft.

282
00:15:28,400 --> 00:15:30,600
Well, everyone else does it.

283
00:15:30,680 --> 00:15:34,040
Just because everyone else does it,
doesn't make it OK.

284
00:15:34,880 --> 00:15:37,040
Da-ad?

285
00:15:38,080 --> 00:15:39,880
Dad?

286
00:15:41,640 --> 00:15:43,360
Dad?

287
00:15:44,560 --> 00:15:46,480
Who are those funny little men?

288
00:15:46,560 --> 00:15:49,440
One looks like Yoda and
the other looks like He Pingping.

289
00:15:49,520 --> 00:15:53,320
Funny little men? Those
are the Ghurkhas, they're
very fierce soldiers.

290
00:15:53,520 --> 00:15:55,960
And who's that...the big one...

291
00:15:56,040 --> 00:16:01,320
the big one with the blonde hair and
the teeth? Is she a Ghurkha as well?

292
00:16:01,400 --> 00:16:04,560
-Joanna Lume-ley, that's
what it says, anyway.
-Lumley.

293
00:16:04,640 --> 00:16:06,640
No, Lume-ley.

294
00:16:06,720 --> 00:16:10,120
-Lumley.
-But it says there, "Joanna Lume-ley".

295
00:16:10,200 --> 00:16:14,320
I'm sure there's no need to worry.
Often, they just fall asleep and...

296
00:16:15,360 --> 00:16:19,720
-Dad? Are you sure he's not in one
of the communal...
-Very sure...Look, let's not get worried.

297
00:16:19,800 --> 00:16:25,600
No. I AM worried. And, as someone
in charge of an old folk's home who
has just lost an old...folk...

298
00:16:25,680 --> 00:16:27,600
I think YOU should be worried.

299
00:16:27,680 --> 00:16:30,320
Well, it's possible he's...

300
00:16:30,400 --> 00:16:32,320
popped out.

301
00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:34,120
Popped out?

302
00:16:34,200 --> 00:16:36,560
-No, "Lume-ley".
-Lumley.

303
00:16:36,640 --> 00:16:37,640
"Lume-ley".

304
00:16:37,720 --> 00:16:40,600
I'll have to talk to your teachers.

305
00:16:40,680 --> 00:16:43,160
Oh, High Noon. You'll
love this, it's brilliant.

306
00:16:43,240 --> 00:16:46,720
No, it's not. You made us watch it
last Christmas, it's rubbish.

307
00:16:46,800 --> 00:16:49,960
That Sheriff only has
to kill three men.

308
00:16:50,080 --> 00:16:52,640
-What kind of a film is that?
-Well, it's a good film.

309
00:16:52,720 --> 00:16:55,640
A hero should have to kill
more than three people.

310
00:16:55,720 --> 00:17:02,400
Just imagine how short The Matrix II
would be if Keanu Reeves only had to
kill three people, instead of 167,

311
00:17:02,480 --> 00:17:06,080
not counting that man who flies
off the back of the lorry -
he might have survived.

312
00:17:06,160 --> 00:17:08,600
-Yes, but this...
DOORBELL RINGS
-I'll get it.

313
00:17:08,680 --> 00:17:11,000
-Oh, who's that going to be?
-Maybe it's Jane.

314
00:17:11,080 --> 00:17:12,720
What, an hour early?

315
00:17:12,800 --> 00:17:14,840
I haven't seen any comets or...

316
00:17:14,920 --> 00:17:18,680
horses eating their young, so
there is no way it's going to be...

317
00:17:18,760 --> 00:17:20,480
Hiya!

318
00:17:21,320 --> 00:17:24,680
Oh...my...God.

319
00:17:24,760 --> 00:17:27,440
This is from this morning...

320
00:17:27,520 --> 00:17:30,840
Nothing there...

321
00:17:30,920 --> 00:17:32,480
nothing there.

322
00:17:32,560 --> 00:17:34,760
I knew a home was a mistake.

323
00:17:34,840 --> 00:17:36,840
-It's fine.
-Ah! Found him.

324
00:17:37,760 --> 00:17:40,640
That's good. He's with Mack.

325
00:17:40,760 --> 00:17:44,120
I wonder where they've
got to this time.

326
00:17:44,200 --> 00:17:45,720
This time?

327
00:17:45,800 --> 00:17:50,120
-They've probably toddled off to the pub.
-How do they get past
the keypads on the doors?

328
00:17:50,200 --> 00:17:52,320
Oh, I wish I knew.

329
00:17:52,400 --> 00:17:55,160
So you're saying that there's
a particular pub they go to?

330
00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:57,840
They're probably not up to
finding a particular pub...

331
00:17:57,960 --> 00:18:01,640
but if they wander long enough they
come across one in the end.
PHONE RINGS

332
00:18:01,720 --> 00:18:03,280
Hello?

333
00:18:03,360 --> 00:18:05,360
Oh, hello, hi...

334
00:18:06,640 --> 00:18:10,840
So I just thought it'd just be silly
to go home, come back out again.

335
00:18:10,920 --> 00:18:13,440
I hope being early's not a problem.

336
00:18:13,920 --> 00:18:16,640
Good grief, no, no, it's, er,

337
00:18:16,720 --> 00:18:18,840
it's a nice surprise.

338
00:18:20,880 --> 00:18:26,280
So your Christmas present
to us is a goat?

339
00:18:26,360 --> 00:18:28,440
Yeah!

340
00:18:28,600 --> 00:18:35,360
The desert is encroaching on
Sub-Saharan villages and, for them,
a goat makes a huge difference.

341
00:18:35,440 --> 00:18:38,760
So it's a present
to the Sub-Saharans?

342
00:18:40,200 --> 00:18:43,440
Well, no, it's yours,
but it's them who get to use it...

343
00:18:43,520 --> 00:18:45,760
-and you can enjoy that.
-But that's not...

344
00:18:45,840 --> 00:18:47,760
I think it's a terrific gift.

345
00:18:47,840 --> 00:18:51,760
Look, Jane, why don't you take
the kids and go play some games in
the living room?

346
00:18:51,840 --> 00:18:57,240
Oh, God, no, Pete.
I'll keep you company. You
don't want to be left on your own.

347
00:18:57,320 --> 00:18:59,000
Right...

348
00:18:59,200 --> 00:19:00,840
CRUNCH

349
00:19:01,400 --> 00:19:05,600
-Seven.
-I was so upset when
I heard about your burglary.

350
00:19:05,680 --> 00:19:07,680
It's horrible, isn't it?

351
00:19:07,760 --> 00:19:11,440
You think they're going to come back
and murder you in your bed.

352
00:19:12,560 --> 00:19:15,000
Yeah, but that won't
happen, will it?

353
00:19:15,080 --> 00:19:17,480
Well, if they've got keys you
could walk through the door

354
00:19:17,560 --> 00:19:21,320
and find some knife-wielding
psychopath waiting to stab you.

355
00:19:21,400 --> 00:19:23,400
Yeah, but they haven't got our keys.

356
00:19:23,480 --> 00:19:28,040
They didn't take our keys,
so we've nothing to worry about.

357
00:19:28,120 --> 00:19:30,120
Have we?

358
00:19:30,200 --> 00:19:33,280
Oh... No. Sorry...

359
00:19:33,360 --> 00:19:37,960
-you've got nothing to worry about,
that's for sure.
-That's right.

360
00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:42,400
But it is such a violation.
You just want to go out and
kill the people who did it.

361
00:19:42,480 --> 00:19:44,680
-Are you allowed to do that?
-No.

362
00:19:44,800 --> 00:19:46,760
Oh, my God!

363
00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:49,520
-Ben! I've told you.
-Sorry...

364
00:19:49,600 --> 00:19:51,920
Go easy with the dismembered hand!

365
00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:55,720
Ahhh! The hand of doom is
ripping my face off!

366
00:19:57,360 --> 00:20:00,880
-So it's definitely MY goat?
-Yeah...

367
00:20:01,880 --> 00:20:05,520
-Actually, Karen, if you
don't mind?
-All right, then.

368
00:20:06,200 --> 00:20:08,880
I'd like to see my goat.

369
00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:11,400
I'm just going to...

370
00:20:11,480 --> 00:20:14,640
Could I go to
Sub-Sahara or something?

371
00:20:14,720 --> 00:20:17,600
-Well, I don't think...
-Or can it come to me
for the weekend?

372
00:20:17,680 --> 00:20:22,000
Well...I think the cost of
transporting a goat on
a plane...for the weekend...

373
00:20:22,160 --> 00:20:29,160
So it's going to grow up, have
baby goats, grow old and then die
without me even ever seeing it?

374
00:20:29,280 --> 00:20:31,120
We can talk about it later.

375
00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:34,680
It's a very ugly goat, as well.

376
00:20:34,760 --> 00:20:38,920
-No, you can't shoot burglars. So
only the police can shoot burglars?
-No, they can't.

377
00:20:39,080 --> 00:20:42,560
So when they catch
a burglar they can only whack
him with a big stick?

378
00:20:43,120 --> 00:20:47,240
No, Ben...the police can't whack
burglars with a big stick.

379
00:20:47,360 --> 00:20:52,800
I think Winnie is the wrong name
for a goat. Because goats
don't whinny, horses whinny.

380
00:20:52,880 --> 00:20:57,240
-Goats go "baaaa", like sheep, but
a bit different.
-Let's, er...

381
00:20:57,320 --> 00:21:00,920
Is this actually a photograph
of MY goat, or is it just
a goat?

382
00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:03,280
Er... I don't know.

383
00:21:03,400 --> 00:21:07,800
-So, maybe I won't even ever
get to see a PHOTO of my goat...
-Shall we go downstairs?

384
00:21:07,880 --> 00:21:12,520
So, it's not actually a
present to me, it's a present
to some Sub-Saharans.

385
00:21:12,600 --> 00:21:15,640
All right!
All right, it's a Christmas
present to some Sub-Saharans!

386
00:21:15,720 --> 00:21:17,720
Right then, I'm fine with that.

387
00:21:17,800 --> 00:21:20,800
I've got loads of
Christmas presents anyway.

388
00:21:24,160 --> 00:21:26,320
-Can soldiers shoot people?
-Yep.

389
00:21:26,400 --> 00:21:29,040
So, I'm going to be a
soldier...and shoot burglars.

390
00:21:29,120 --> 00:21:33,040
No, no, no. If you're a soldier
you still can't shoot burglars.

391
00:21:33,120 --> 00:21:36,120
-So how can you stop burglars if
can't shoot them?
-Well, you...

392
00:21:36,200 --> 00:21:38,720
-You could get an aye-aye.
-A what?

393
00:21:38,840 --> 00:21:41,480
You know, Brazilian
little bush baby things.

394
00:21:41,560 --> 00:21:44,000
The aye-ayes are really,
really cool creatures

395
00:21:44,080 --> 00:21:47,760
and there's a myth that
says that when you
look an aye-aye in the eye...

396
00:21:47,880 --> 00:21:50,280
-you die.
-Look, I've got to
concentrate on this.

397
00:21:50,400 --> 00:21:54,480
So you could have an aye-aye hiding
and then when they open the door,
the Aye Aye would just go...

398
00:21:54,560 --> 00:21:57,480
I'll put it to the aye-aye things
in the neighbourhood Watch.

399
00:21:57,560 --> 00:21:59,520
-Can you set wild dogs on burglars?
-No.

400
00:21:59,600 --> 00:22:01,440
-Electrocuted door knobs to make their.
-No!

401
00:22:01,520 --> 00:22:04,960
-Dig traps in the garden?
-No, Ben. You cannot dig tr...

402
00:22:06,160 --> 00:22:09,440
You've dug another trap
in the garden, haven't you?

403
00:22:09,800 --> 00:22:11,040
Dad!

404
00:22:11,120 --> 00:22:13,200
Hey! Hello, love.

405
00:22:13,280 --> 00:22:15,080
What a coincidence!

406
00:22:15,160 --> 00:22:19,200
No, Dad.
It's not a coincidence, we've been
searching high and low for you.

407
00:22:19,280 --> 00:22:21,880
-We've even had the police out
looking for you.
-Have you?

408
00:22:21,960 --> 00:22:26,160
-Yes. You're meant to be
coming to ours for lunch.
-Am I?

409
00:22:26,240 --> 00:22:28,240
Yes, Granddad. It's Boxing Day.

410
00:22:28,400 --> 00:22:33,800
Oh...well, I find it a bit tricky
keeping track of the days, so to
be honest I don't really bother.

411
00:22:33,880 --> 00:22:37,920
Oh, where are my manners?
Er, this is Mack.

412
00:22:38,000 --> 00:22:40,960
Mack this is my daughter, Sue
and my grandson Ben.

413
00:22:41,040 --> 00:22:42,360
TOGETHER
Jake

414
00:22:42,440 --> 00:22:44,760
Whare ye gaun, ye crowlin ferlie?

415
00:22:44,840 --> 00:22:47,200
Been in the hoose tae
champ the tatties.

416
00:22:47,280 --> 00:22:51,280
Robbie Burns.
He can't remember bugger all,
but he can remember all that.

417
00:22:51,360 --> 00:22:54,240
Old clothes looked
as good as new.

418
00:22:54,440 --> 00:22:56,120
I don't understand
everything he says.

419
00:22:56,320 --> 00:23:01,600
Right, well, look, we'll drop
Mack back at the home and then
we'll take you onto ours, OK?

420
00:23:02,760 --> 00:23:04,920
Did you understand what I said, Dad?

421
00:23:05,000 --> 00:23:06,800
Yeah, you're dropping Mack
back at Colditz.

422
00:23:06,880 --> 00:23:09,600
-So we'll...
why do you call it Colditz?
-Eh?

423
00:23:09,720 --> 00:23:12,880
You called it Colditz.
Why did you call it Colditz?
-What?

424
00:23:12,960 --> 00:23:15,520
-Come on, Mum, let's go.
-But he called it Colditz.

425
00:23:15,600 --> 00:23:19,480
-Aye, we escaped from Colditz.
-See? They keep calling it Colditz!

426
00:23:19,560 --> 00:23:23,600
I know, Mum, but we've got to get
Mack back at the home, and we're
late already. Let's just go.

427
00:23:23,680 --> 00:23:26,000
You're right. OK, come on, you two.

428
00:23:26,080 --> 00:23:28,920
And then when married men
find out you're a single mum,

429
00:23:29,000 --> 00:23:31,880
they just hit on you,
all the time.

430
00:23:31,960 --> 00:23:35,800
-Do they? Mmm...
-Is there anything
I can do to help, Pete?

431
00:23:35,880 --> 00:23:38,200
-No, you're fine.
-Just tell me if there is.

432
00:23:38,280 --> 00:23:40,640
No, you're fine.
KAREN SCREAMS

433
00:23:40,720 --> 00:23:43,280
It's lovely being surrounded
by kids at Christmas.

434
00:23:43,360 --> 00:23:47,200
-Yes...lovely.
-Of course, my little Alexa's
with her father.

435
00:23:47,280 --> 00:23:49,120
His lawyer threatened me.

436
00:23:49,200 --> 00:23:51,120
What kind of a dad does that?

437
00:23:51,200 --> 00:23:54,920
-I tell you Pete, he is such a...
-Kids! Who wants to watch a DVD?

438
00:23:55,000 --> 00:23:58,360
You and Jane can watch a nice DVD
while we're waiting for the others
to arrive.

439
00:23:58,440 --> 00:24:00,760
Yeah, let's watch a DVD!

440
00:24:01,240 --> 00:24:03,560
-Yay!
-Right, let's see
what we've got here.

441
00:24:03,640 --> 00:24:07,280
Gladiator...Groundhog Day...

442
00:24:08,320 --> 00:24:11,000
A slice of ham...

443
00:24:11,080 --> 00:24:13,520
-Christmas Carol, how about that?
-I love that.

444
00:24:13,640 --> 00:24:16,240
Oh, no, not Christmas Carol.

445
00:24:16,360 --> 00:24:18,440
-I can't watch that.
-Well, why not?

446
00:24:18,520 --> 00:24:22,280
-It's because of Bob Scratchit.
He's an idiot.
-Why?

447
00:24:22,360 --> 00:24:27,240
Well, Scrooge is horrible to him
for thousands and thousands of years

448
00:24:27,320 --> 00:24:32,480
and now he just, now
he buys them one goose

449
00:24:32,560 --> 00:24:36,400
and suddenly it's,
"Oh, do come in, Mr Scrooge.

450
00:24:36,480 --> 00:24:39,640
-"Thank you, Mr Scrooge".
-The Cratchits can
see Scrooge has changed.

451
00:24:39,720 --> 00:24:45,520
One day of niceness doesn't
make up for thousands of
days of horribleness.

452
00:24:45,600 --> 00:24:49,840
-No, but...
-If Hitler said
"Oh, sorry I bombed loads of people,

453
00:24:49,920 --> 00:24:52,960
"but I promise that I'll be good
for the rest of my life",

454
00:24:53,040 --> 00:24:57,000
and then he bought everybody
a goose, would we let him off?

455
00:24:57,320 --> 00:24:59,320
Well, I think if Hitler had...

456
00:24:59,400 --> 00:25:02,840
Doesn't have to be Christmas Carol.

457
00:25:03,280 --> 00:25:06,920
OK, Dad. I'll just get Mack back
inside and explain to the staff that

458
00:25:07,000 --> 00:25:09,280
you're coming home
to lunch with us, OK?

459
00:25:09,360 --> 00:25:13,440
Oh! Mack's coming to lunch with us.
That's lovely, cheers, Sue.

460
00:25:13,560 --> 00:25:16,400
No...no, Dad.
Mack is having his lunch here.

461
00:25:16,480 --> 00:25:19,560
So, you hop out of the car,
Mack, and I'll...

462
00:25:19,640 --> 00:25:22,840
No, Dad, you don't need to get out
because you're coming to ours.

463
00:25:23,040 --> 00:25:25,720
-Right.
-So you stay in the car...

464
00:25:25,800 --> 00:25:30,600
-and Mack, you hop out and
I'll take you back inside.
-Where are you taking Mack?

465
00:25:30,680 --> 00:25:33,880
-Inside. I just said that.
-Yeah, I'm sorry
but you were muttering.

466
00:25:33,960 --> 00:25:35,480
Come on, Mack.

467
00:25:36,920 --> 00:25:41,680
-Oh, for God's sake, Dad!
-No, Granddad. Get in the car,
you're staying with me.

468
00:25:41,760 --> 00:25:43,240
Come on, Mack.

469
00:25:45,280 --> 00:25:49,000
We can watch the football tonight,
Granddad. Fulham and Chelsea.

470
00:25:49,080 --> 00:25:53,240
I grew up watching Chelsea.
I used to stand under...

471
00:25:53,320 --> 00:25:55,280
Under the big Bovril sign.
Yeah, I know.

472
00:25:55,360 --> 00:25:57,680
They had some great
players in those days...

473
00:25:57,760 --> 00:26:03,040
Roy Bentley, Eric Parsons,
Frankie Blunstone, Reggie Kray...

474
00:26:05,040 --> 00:26:07,040
No, that's not right. Reggie...

475
00:26:07,120 --> 00:26:10,520
I bet lunches are
lively here, are they?

476
00:26:10,600 --> 00:26:13,560
Too lively, too much yakking.

477
00:26:13,640 --> 00:26:15,880
I always have my lunch with Frank.

478
00:26:15,960 --> 00:26:17,760
In his room.

479
00:26:17,840 --> 00:26:20,360
Always. Together. Always.

480
00:26:20,760 --> 00:26:24,120
Well...I'm afraid we've borrowed him
today. Still, he'll be back...

481
00:26:24,200 --> 00:26:26,200
Come on then, Mack. In we go...

482
00:26:26,280 --> 00:26:28,040
For God's sake!

483
00:26:28,120 --> 00:26:30,840
Sorry. He's faster than he looks.

484
00:26:31,520 --> 00:26:35,320
Are you OK, Pete? Is there
anything else I can do to help?

485
00:26:35,960 --> 00:26:38,680
No, no you're fine.
Everything's under control.

486
00:26:38,760 --> 00:26:41,120
Why don't you go back in
and watch some more DVDs?

487
00:26:41,200 --> 00:26:47,120
Oh, no. The kids got bored and now
they're watching the Christmas
edition of World's Weirdest Bodies.

488
00:26:47,240 --> 00:26:48,520
Oh, God.

489
00:26:48,600 --> 00:26:50,400
Well, Sue'll be back soon.

490
00:26:50,480 --> 00:26:52,280
MOBILE BEEPS
Oh.

491
00:26:52,360 --> 00:26:54,080
I know who that's from.

492
00:26:54,160 --> 00:26:56,920
-Alexa?
-No, her dad.

493
00:26:57,000 --> 00:27:01,400
He likes to send me these
nasty little messages.

494
00:27:01,480 --> 00:27:04,360
Take a look. Go on.

495
00:27:04,440 --> 00:27:07,480
No... I don't mind.

496
00:27:07,560 --> 00:27:09,040
Really.

497
00:27:11,920 --> 00:27:13,840
Oh...that IS nasty.

498
00:27:13,920 --> 00:27:16,520
That is, that is really nasty...

499
00:27:16,600 --> 00:27:18,960
He sent me three on Christmas Day.

500
00:27:19,400 --> 00:27:22,160
All gloating that he had Alexa.

501
00:27:24,800 --> 00:27:28,560
I wasn't...always like this, y'know.

502
00:27:28,640 --> 00:27:32,520
I used to be a moderately
together sort of person.

503
00:27:32,600 --> 00:27:34,360
Well, compared to this.

504
00:27:35,880 --> 00:27:40,040
You're looking at what happens
when all the confidence gets
kicked out of a person.

505
00:27:41,640 --> 00:27:45,000
Sorry, I'll leave you
to it, I'll go through...

506
00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:49,360
No, no, stay. Let's chat.
Do you want a...?

507
00:27:49,440 --> 00:27:53,240
Dad, come quick! There's a woman
with a head like a pumpkin!

508
00:27:53,320 --> 00:27:57,640
-There's not much Christmas
spirit in that, is there?
-Oh, my God, she's horrible!

509
00:27:57,720 --> 00:27:59,280
That's horrendous!

510
00:27:59,360 --> 00:28:04,040
Now, come on, come on. It is rather
unkind watching this kind of...

511
00:28:04,120 --> 00:28:05,800
My God, look at that.

512
00:28:05,880 --> 00:28:09,080
-Look at her face!
-I bet she's popular on Halloween...

513
00:28:09,160 --> 00:28:11,160
No, come on.

514
00:28:11,320 --> 00:28:12,640
What...what's wrong with you?

515
00:28:12,720 --> 00:28:17,240
-That was really interesting!
You can't just turn it off!
-Look, look.

516
00:28:17,320 --> 00:28:21,320
-The baby Jesus was not
born in a, stable...
-Turn it back on!

517
00:28:21,400 --> 00:28:25,520
-It's so unfair!
-So we could sit around watching
pumpkin-headed women.

518
00:28:25,600 --> 00:28:30,440
-Or dwarves with massive breasts,
in the wrong places.
-Come on, let's do something festive.

519
00:28:31,080 --> 00:28:32,800
I know, games!

520
00:28:32,960 --> 00:28:35,360
Is his name Peter?

521
00:28:35,440 --> 00:28:37,040
-No.
-Then what is his name?

522
00:28:37,120 --> 00:28:38,720
Ahh...clever.

523
00:28:38,800 --> 00:28:41,480
-Have I ever murdered anybody?
-Yep.

524
00:28:41,560 --> 00:28:43,280
-Really?
-Yeah.

525
00:28:43,360 --> 00:28:46,120
Am I known for sort of er...

526
00:28:46,200 --> 00:28:48,040
for being sort of troubled?

527
00:28:48,120 --> 00:28:51,400
Is he er, a historical figure?

528
00:28:51,680 --> 00:28:53,480
Hopefully, soon.

529
00:28:53,560 --> 00:28:56,600
Does my name begin with an "S"?

530
00:28:56,680 --> 00:28:59,480
Are you looking through the paper?

531
00:28:59,560 --> 00:29:01,640
Do I have some sort of eating disorder?

532
00:29:01,720 --> 00:29:03,080
-Osama Bin Laden!
-Yeah.

533
00:29:03,160 --> 00:29:05,560
-Well done.
-Finally, somebody cool.

534
00:29:05,640 --> 00:29:07,240
Someone cool? How can you think...

535
00:29:07,320 --> 00:29:08,880
One, he has a gun.

536
00:29:08,960 --> 00:29:13,040
-Two, he likes to blow things up,
three, he's got a really cool beard.
-Since when was that cool?

537
00:29:13,200 --> 00:29:17,480
Four, he's had a hiding place
for ages and five, he sings
Numa Numa really well on YouTube.

538
00:29:17,600 --> 00:29:21,840
But he's not cool though, is he?
He's a terrorist.
He blew up the twin towers.

539
00:29:22,320 --> 00:29:23,840
SUE: Hi, it's us.

540
00:29:23,920 --> 00:29:28,320
They are here. Ok, everyone,
lunch in minus five.
Hi Frank, Happy Christmas.

541
00:29:28,640 --> 00:29:31,720
-And Happy Christmas.
-Happy Boxing Day, Granddad!

542
00:29:31,800 --> 00:29:35,400
-Granddad, do you want to
play "Who Am I"?
-Er...

543
00:29:35,720 --> 00:29:39,280
I think that's probably not a
very Granddad-friendly game, Ben.

544
00:29:39,360 --> 00:29:42,280
-Look, why don't you sit down, Frank?
-Right.

545
00:29:42,360 --> 00:29:45,440
-Do you remember Jane, Granddad?
-No.

546
00:29:45,520 --> 00:29:49,720
-Granddad, I did this
picture for you.
-Oh, yes?

547
00:29:49,800 --> 00:29:53,720
This is you.
That's your unicorn...

548
00:29:53,800 --> 00:29:58,360
and you're fighting
Osama Bin Laden, Voldemort,

549
00:29:58,440 --> 00:30:03,120
and that's the creepy woman
that sits next to Simon Cowell
and I can't remember her name.

550
00:30:03,240 --> 00:30:05,960
How is everything?
Jane, did you get here all right?

551
00:30:06,040 --> 00:30:08,880
Yes, actually I was an hour early.

552
00:30:08,960 --> 00:30:10,560
Sorry.

553
00:30:10,640 --> 00:30:16,200
No, it's been fine. You're right,
it's nice to do something for people
who are on their own at Christmas.

554
00:30:16,280 --> 00:30:19,520
Uh-huh? Yeah, er, this is Mack.

555
00:30:19,600 --> 00:30:23,440
-JANE: Hiya.
-He's going to be
joining us for lunch.

556
00:30:23,520 --> 00:30:26,600
HE SPEAKS INCOHERENTLY

557
00:30:28,440 --> 00:30:33,080
-Is he Albanian?
-Ah...No, no darling.
He's from Scotland.

558
00:30:33,160 --> 00:30:36,160
-Right, who's for a drink?
-Wee Johnnie Walker'd be nice.

559
00:30:36,240 --> 00:30:38,440
-I'll get that.
-Here, Mack, look,

560
00:30:38,920 --> 00:30:43,240
-Karen's done me this lovely drawing.
-That horse has got a javelin
coming out its heid.

561
00:30:43,320 --> 00:30:46,920
-No, it's a unicorn!
-Look, that's a horse right?
And that's its heid.

562
00:30:47,000 --> 00:30:49,680
This is a unicorn...
what do you mean "heid"?

563
00:30:49,760 --> 00:30:52,520
-Heid, heid...heid.
-This is "head".

564
00:30:52,600 --> 00:30:55,720
-Aye, heid, heid.
-What language are you speaking?

565
00:30:55,800 --> 00:31:00,360
-I'm speaking English, hen.
-I'm sorry! What could I do?
The poor man has no-one.

566
00:31:00,440 --> 00:31:04,040
I couldn't leave him there
on his own. They call it Colditz!

567
00:31:04,120 --> 00:31:06,800
-What do you mean, a wee bit?
-A wee bit, a totty bit.

568
00:31:06,880 --> 00:31:09,120
-Do you mean a "tiny" bit?
-Aye, a tiny bit.

569
00:31:09,200 --> 00:31:12,200
-Why d'you say "wee", then?
-"Wee" is the same thing as "totty".

570
00:31:12,280 --> 00:31:17,680
A totty wee bit is even wee-er
than a wee bit. You're getting to
totty, totty, totty, totty...

571
00:31:17,760 --> 00:31:22,160
-till you disappear,
until you're naen.
-Ni-in?

572
00:31:22,240 --> 00:31:25,000
Naen! So, do you want
me to talk like you then?

573
00:31:25,080 --> 00:31:28,080
Well, no. I'm not saying I
want you to, but why don't you?

574
00:31:28,160 --> 00:31:30,600
But why should I?
I talk like this all the time.

575
00:31:30,680 --> 00:31:35,560
-So, Mack...do you like football?
-Aye, I used to play inside right
for St Mirren.

576
00:31:35,640 --> 00:31:37,960
-Who's St Mirren?
-A football team.

577
00:31:38,040 --> 00:31:42,760
-What's an inside right?
-At Chelsea, I used to stand
under the great big Bovril sign.

578
00:31:42,840 --> 00:31:43,840
Inside right what?

579
00:31:43,920 --> 00:31:47,040
Inside right is just inside
the outside right, just ahead
of the right half.

580
00:31:47,160 --> 00:31:49,280
Is this football
we're talking about?

581
00:31:49,360 --> 00:31:51,680
They had some great
players in those days...

582
00:31:51,760 --> 00:31:58,360
Roy Bentley, Frankie Blunstone,
Reggie...Reggie er...Dixon.
No, he played the organ.

583
00:31:58,440 --> 00:32:01,640
So, what's for first course, chef?

584
00:32:01,720 --> 00:32:04,160
Well, my speciality...
hamster soup.

585
00:32:04,240 --> 00:32:06,480
-What!
-It's a joke, Karen.

586
00:32:06,560 --> 00:32:08,680
Well, there are some things
you don't joke about.

587
00:32:08,760 --> 00:32:12,560
We're not going to declare
a national day of mourning
for one lost hamster.

588
00:32:12,640 --> 00:32:16,680
-Perhaps it'll find its way back.
-I doubt it. I mean they're
not a very bright animal.

589
00:32:16,760 --> 00:32:21,120
Yeah, well, hamsters can
store food in its cheeks
and I bet you can't do that.

590
00:32:21,200 --> 00:32:22,880
-Depends which cheeks.
-Peter!

591
00:32:22,960 --> 00:32:25,400
Maybe the burglar
took the hamster for lunch.

592
00:32:25,480 --> 00:32:28,680
-You can't say that!
You let him out...
-That's enough hamster-based...

593
00:32:28,760 --> 00:32:31,960
-What's this about a burglary?
-Oh, it's nothing to worry about, Dad.

594
00:32:32,040 --> 00:32:34,160
Just a minor break in.
Nothing much was taken.

595
00:32:34,240 --> 00:32:38,280
Yeah, just over £300 worth...
and going up all the time.

596
00:32:38,360 --> 00:32:41,480
Pete, he keeps banging on
about the insurance thing.

597
00:32:41,560 --> 00:32:43,440
We're going to have to do something.

598
00:32:43,520 --> 00:32:46,000
You could do with stronger
locks on these doors.

599
00:32:46,080 --> 00:32:50,520
Bolts top and bottom, a mortice
deadlock that's what you need.

600
00:32:50,680 --> 00:32:54,880
-Something that'll give ye
a wee bit of resistance.
-You seem very knowledgeable, Mack.

601
00:32:54,960 --> 00:32:57,360
Aye, well, for ten years I
was a security consultant.

602
00:32:57,440 --> 00:33:00,160
-Oh, yeah?
-And for 20 years
before that I was a burglar.

603
00:33:00,240 --> 00:33:01,880
This looks tasty.

604
00:33:06,040 --> 00:33:08,400
-Did he just say he was a burglar?
-Yep.

605
00:33:10,080 --> 00:33:12,400
-OK, everyone. This looks lovely...
-Well done, chef.

606
00:33:12,480 --> 00:33:14,320
-Yeah, let's tuck in.
-Starving!

607
00:33:14,400 --> 00:33:17,840
Excuse me.
Are we not gonnae say grace?

608
00:33:20,440 --> 00:33:25,160
-Well, we...we...we don't usually...
-We're not really religious, y'see.

609
00:33:25,240 --> 00:33:27,440
We don't... It's not something...

610
00:33:27,520 --> 00:33:31,400
I just thought we've all got our
health and all this lovely food,

611
00:33:31,480 --> 00:33:35,720
when there's loads of people
out there with nothing.

612
00:33:39,480 --> 00:33:42,720
Yes, I suppose you're right.

613
00:33:42,800 --> 00:33:46,480
Some hae meat and cannae eat
and some hae naen that want it.

614
00:33:46,640 --> 00:33:52,640
-But we hae meat and we can eat,
so let the Lord be thank it.
-Very nice.

615
00:33:52,760 --> 00:33:54,480
-Amen.
-Yes, very nice.

616
00:33:54,560 --> 00:33:56,960
KAREN: I didn't understand
a word of that.

617
00:33:57,040 --> 00:33:58,800
-JANE: Roaring?
-JAKE: King Kong!

618
00:33:58,880 --> 00:34:01,800
JANE: Frankenstein. It's got four
syllables, he's really fat.

619
00:34:01,880 --> 00:34:05,000
-I don't know, I give up.
-It's impossible.

620
00:34:05,080 --> 00:34:07,440
-Shrek!
-I thought you said it
was four syllables.

621
00:34:07,520 --> 00:34:11,320
Yes...
Sh-R-E-K. Shrek.

622
00:34:11,400 --> 00:34:14,000
-Oh, God!
-No...shhh...
no, shhhr...

623
00:34:14,080 --> 00:34:17,200
-Drown! Swim! Drowning bunny!
-JANE: Stag?

624
00:34:17,280 --> 00:34:20,320
-JAKE: Zombie!
-BEN:Drowning deer!
Drowning stag!

625
00:34:20,440 --> 00:34:22,960
-BEN: Drowning, drowning fish.
-JAKE: Pigeon...drowning.

626
00:34:23,040 --> 00:34:24,960
Finding Nemo!

627
00:34:25,080 --> 00:34:29,320
-We give up.
What is it? Just tell us.
-It's An Inconvenient Truth!

628
00:34:29,400 --> 00:34:33,840
The icebergs are melting
and a polar bear is drowning.

629
00:34:33,920 --> 00:34:36,360
OK. Third word. TV. OK.

630
00:34:36,440 --> 00:34:38,680
-BEN: Dinosaur!
-Dead?

631
00:34:38,760 --> 00:34:41,720
Hit the dead! Kill the dead!

632
00:34:43,200 --> 00:34:46,200
Slap, slap the dead!
Strangle...swat the dead!

633
00:34:46,280 --> 00:34:48,120
Shoot the dead!

634
00:34:48,200 --> 00:34:50,920
-Smack the dead!
-Annoy the dead!

635
00:34:51,000 --> 00:34:54,400
-Shake the dead!
-Waking The Dead!

636
00:34:55,120 --> 00:34:56,920
-JAKE: Finally!
-OK, my turn.

637
00:34:57,880 --> 00:35:00,440
You ready? It's a book.

638
00:35:00,600 --> 00:35:03,960
-KAREN: Old man with a stick shouting.
-JAKE: Angry blind man.

639
00:35:04,080 --> 00:35:07,120
You're right, this is definitely
what Christmas is about, isn't it?

640
00:35:07,200 --> 00:35:12,600
Throwing your home open to family
and friends and...ex-burglars.

641
00:35:12,680 --> 00:35:17,600
-A lion...with an animal...
old man and his dog?
-JAKE: And it's definitely a book?

642
00:35:17,680 --> 00:35:19,800
What book do you think Ben is doing?

643
00:35:19,920 --> 00:35:22,280
KAREN: Elephant? Ellie the elephant?

644
00:35:22,360 --> 00:35:27,760
I've got this terrible feeling he's
doing the Bible...all of the Bible.

645
00:35:27,840 --> 00:35:29,920
JANE: Rabbit! Kangaroo!

646
00:35:30,000 --> 00:35:32,240
-I think that's Noah and the Ark...
-Oh, God.

647
00:35:32,320 --> 00:35:35,440
-JANE: Hunchback!
-You see? There are
the crabs going in two by two.

648
00:35:35,520 --> 00:35:37,720
-Top up?
-JAKE: Musician?

649
00:35:37,800 --> 00:35:39,520
-JANE: Flute?
-Trumpet!

650
00:35:39,600 --> 00:35:43,320
-Miles Davis!
-Ahh, he's got to Joshua
and the Battle of Jericho.

651
00:35:43,800 --> 00:35:46,040
I'm not looking forward
to Sodom and Gomorrah.

652
00:35:46,120 --> 00:35:49,800
-JAKE: Angry.
-Angry old man... Alan Sugar!

653
00:35:52,160 --> 00:35:57,640
There you go.
Returned safe and sound and looking
forward to his lunch. One lost dad.

654
00:35:57,720 --> 00:36:01,040
-Erm...that's not my dad.
-What?

655
00:36:01,120 --> 00:36:04,000
We found my dad. I did ring
the station, did no-one tell you?

656
00:36:04,080 --> 00:36:07,440
I asked you, specifically,
if you were Frank...

657
00:36:07,640 --> 00:36:10,520
father of Sue Brockman
and you said, "yes, I am".

658
00:36:10,600 --> 00:36:12,240
Yep, I'm Frank.

659
00:36:12,320 --> 00:36:14,600
But you told me... Oh, for...

660
00:36:14,680 --> 00:36:18,160
I'm telling you, sometimes there
is a case for police brutality.

661
00:36:18,240 --> 00:36:19,680
I'm starving.

662
00:36:21,040 --> 00:36:24,080
Well, I suppose I could take him
along to "Crisis at Christmas",

663
00:36:24,160 --> 00:36:26,640
but I was there earlier and
they were really struggling.

664
00:36:26,720 --> 00:36:30,840
Though what would be handy is if
someone were to just take him in
and give him some lunch...

665
00:36:30,920 --> 00:36:33,240
as a gesture of seasonal good will?

666
00:36:33,320 --> 00:36:36,880
-Well...
-Sorry, we're a bit good-willed out.

667
00:36:36,960 --> 00:36:38,960
We've already got
a full house, I'm afraid.

668
00:36:39,040 --> 00:36:43,800
Oh...right. OK. Come on, you.

669
00:36:43,880 --> 00:36:46,880
Try the Harrisons at number 27.
They're Christians.

670
00:36:48,000 --> 00:36:49,280
Peter!

671
00:36:49,360 --> 00:36:52,360
Well, that'll teach them
to keep shoving leaflets
through our letterbox.

672
00:36:52,440 --> 00:36:57,240
-Just off to the bog.
-Ooh, Dad. Y'know, the home...where
you're living?

673
00:36:57,320 --> 00:37:01,480
-What, Colditz?
-Yeah, why do you
keep calling it Colditz?

674
00:37:01,560 --> 00:37:04,040
Is there something wrong with it,
is it horrible?

675
00:37:04,120 --> 00:37:07,880
-No...I like it.
-So why do you keep
calling it Colditz?

676
00:37:07,960 --> 00:37:09,800
Well...for a laugh.

677
00:37:10,240 --> 00:37:12,920
-For a laugh?
-Yeah, it's a joke.

678
00:37:13,000 --> 00:37:16,800
Colditz. You need to relax and
see the funny side of things, Sue.

679
00:37:16,880 --> 00:37:21,000
It's always been your problem.
Reggie Matthews! That was him!

680
00:37:21,080 --> 00:37:25,760
Yeah, goalie, Chelsea and England!
Yeah, Reg Matthews.

681
00:37:25,840 --> 00:37:28,640
JANE: Zombie! Leper!

682
00:37:28,720 --> 00:37:31,000
Baddie with arms in-front of him.

683
00:37:31,080 --> 00:37:34,200
-JANE: Leper...er...Mummy... Err...
-Ah. He's got as far as Lazarus.

684
00:37:34,280 --> 00:37:36,360
-JANE: Mummy, Mummy 2.
-KAREN: What is it?

685
00:37:36,440 --> 00:37:39,920
-Jake, could we have a little word
about something?
-Oh, for...

686
00:37:40,000 --> 00:37:42,440
Look, it was Ben who downloaded it.

687
00:37:42,520 --> 00:37:45,760
No, no it's not about...
whatever that turns out to be.

688
00:37:45,840 --> 00:37:48,600
It's about our insurance claim
for the robbery.

689
00:37:49,280 --> 00:37:53,360
-Oh.
-And we know that you think that
we're guilty of double standards.

690
00:37:53,440 --> 00:37:55,720
And we have taken that on board.

691
00:37:55,800 --> 00:37:59,520
And so we've decided we're not
going to make a false claim.

692
00:38:01,240 --> 00:38:04,280
OK. Cheers, guys.

693
00:38:08,960 --> 00:38:12,280
-Do you think he bought that?
-Yeah, kids are so gullible. Drink?

694
00:38:12,840 --> 00:38:15,280
Everyone ready?

695
00:38:15,360 --> 00:38:20,360
# Take my sister to the picture show

696
00:38:20,440 --> 00:38:26,240
# Bang, bang, bang!
With Frankie's gun, he shot me down.

697
00:38:26,320 --> 00:38:31,320
# Bang, bang, bang!
With Frankie's gun, he shot me down!

698
00:38:31,400 --> 00:38:36,280
# He shot me down!
He shot me down...

699
00:38:39,200 --> 00:38:44,680
# Sha la la
# Sha la la la

700
00:38:44,760 --> 00:38:50,720
# Sha la la

701
00:38:50,800 --> 00:38:56,320
# Sha la la la
# Sha la la

702
00:38:56,400 --> 00:39:02,760
# Sha la la
# Sha la la
# Sha la la

703
00:39:02,840 --> 00:39:07,000
# Sha la la
# Sha la la

704
00:39:07,240 --> 00:39:12,520
# He shot me down,
He shot me down, he shot me down

705
00:39:12,600 --> 00:39:18,240
# Sha la la, sha la la, sha la la

706
00:39:20,960 --> 00:39:23,800
KAREN: Now can we sing
along to Sex On Fire?