[3:18:14 PM] Nix, Finisher of Games: So the thing I was thinking about was how...Clearly you're dating, and it seems to be going okay? But then you're still really reluctant to hang out with me, or Michael, or me and Michael, and it's making me feel like at this point it's less about post-breakup sadness and more like...that you might like me less? Or think less of me? Because of how I handled it or something
[3:18:31 PM] Nix, Finisher of Games: And I want to respect your boundaries but I'm also starting to feel really self-conscious about it
[3:18:39 PM] Nix, Finisher of Games: Like I did something really wrong
[3:59:16 PM] Sassy Bandit: I'm not really dating per-se. It's more of a casual thing. I'm not even sure I'm even able to do relationships at this point or ever, but we'll see.
And no, that's not the case at all! Obviously there was never going to be a great way to handle it, but I felt that you did actually do it really well. As well as someone could, anyway, given the circumstances. I don't think less of you at all, and I'm sorry that I came off that way.
You didn't do anything wrong. The thing is that it does have to do a bit with post-breakup sadness and my mental health in general.

It's hard to explain, like... I'm past the fact that we're done and that's not coming back. I've been over that pretty fine for a little bit. But when we hang out, just you and me, it reminds me of our relationship, remings me of when I was HAPPY, and when I hang out with him, it reminds me of it, and hanging out with both of you would still just hurt, I feel. And so I get really sad all over again. And I get anxious that I won't be happy ever all over again. And I get self-loathing all over again. I don't WANT to be like this with you, or him, or both of you. We barely talk. I can't even remember the last time I talked to him. I miss hanging out and laughing and watching cartoons or playing games and making jokes and all the good times. I do think about that a lot. And I think about how I'm not a great friend to either of you. I would like to change that.

But at the same time, I have a very fragile grasp on my mental wellbeing at this point in time, and I worked very hard to get to even this point, and I think I'm just scared to fall back into the spot I was in last year. I don't want to be triggered into that again. Even typing this out I can feel something welling up in me. Sometimes I feel like I'm being very selfish, or difficult, but I'm very concerned about my mental state, and I don't handle things very well, and I suck at emotions, and I'm just scared.

This is all on me, though. I recognize that and I hope you do, too. Neither of you did anything wrong. You made your decisions, you tried to do your best to minimize the pain, and the fact that I still can't handle even a fucking hangout is just all my problem that I need to deal with. You didn't do anything wrong. It was shitty situation for me and I'm shitty at handling that and there's nothing anyone can do about that, except me, maybe. It's nobody's fault and y'all did everything right and I'm trying to be better but even with all that sometimes things just don't end up okay.

uh that was long. short story: I don't like you less, or think less of you, and you didn't do anything wrong, and I'm sorry for being a distant shit but my brain isn't doing great still
[4:02:51 PM] Nix, Finisher of Games: Okay
[4:03:26 PM] Nix, Finisher of Games: I'm not happy to hear you're not doing great but I am happy to hear that I didn't ruin everything, and that maybe when you're in a better place we can hang out again
[4:04:11 PM] Sassy Bandit: I really hope so
[4:04:39 PM] Nix, Finisher of Games: We both miss you a lot, and I get really worried sometimes that I'm giving you TOO much space and you're gonna forget about me or something...
[4:05:00 PM] Nix, Finisher of Games: And you're getting really close with old friends and part of me is just like "I guess those are her friends now, your time is over"
[4:06:17 PM] Nix, Finisher of Games: Especially since Shelly and Tim were both people we'd had criticisms about before, so it was surprising to see you being so close with them so suddenly
[4:06:19 PM] Nix, Finisher of Games: Or it felt sudden
[4:10:06 PM] Sassy Bandit: Uh no there's no way I could forget either of you? You were both basically my entire social circle/life for years?? No that will never happen.

Eh it wasn't really terribly sudden. When I went back to the MSPA chat Tim got invited a few weeks later and we started talking. Shelly I just talked to off and on before I sort of got folded into their small group, but I still feel like an outsider there tbh. Both of them changed a lot, I feel. Tim's fine, and actually super nice now, and Shelly's calmed down a hell of a lot from the old chat days. Though now that I know vv, I have new people to criticize >_____>
[4:10:45 PM] Nix, Finisher of Games: Hahaha
[4:11:11 PM] Nix, Finisher of Games: Vivs is cool but I've never been super close with her because she always ends up saying something to make me distance myself a little
[4:11:25 PM] Nix, Finisher of Games: So we end up having little bursts of friendship
[4:12:08 PM] Sassy Bandit: She rages extremely hard so it's difficult to play games with her and shelly tbh. hell compared to her shelly is like a friggin' nun
[4:13:20 PM] Sassy Bandit: but it's not like... the same. I don't remember the last time I even spoke in the chat. Haven't talked to Tim in over a month, except vague tumblr interactions. And I only play games with those two like once a week, if that. it doesn't feel the same
[4:14:35 PM] Sassy Bandit: I have friends but I don't feel like I have a social circle I belong to
[4:14:40 PM] Sassy Bandit: just kinda
[4:14:42 PM] Sassy Bandit: drifting
[4:15:20 PM] Nix, Finisher of Games: We should hang out soon if you're up for it. I just miss you. You're really great!
[4:16:02 PM] Sassy Bandit: Normally I would agree, that I am pretty great, but today is not a good mood day. Still, yeah, we should sometime.
[4:17:55 PM] Nix, Finisher of Games: Eh, you know my policy on different opinions
[4:18:04 PM] Nix, Finisher of Games: They are, by virtue of not being mine, incorrect.
[4:18:47 PM] Sassy Bandit: Shit that's right