Thread 1: Stories 1-15

Thread 1 archive: http://archive.heinessen.com/mlp/thread/15714689

Note: The start is a bit rocky, the stories don't really hit their stride until 45 or 60 ish.
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Has more land than Twilight, I'll give her that. And a stable food supply. And trade with a nearby town. And an established family presence in most towns. And is an accomplished hero of Equestria. Hell, she has a working force who would probably happily help her build a castle from scratch for free.

You know what? This one actually makes more sense than Twilight.

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Princess AJ's first order of business is to erect a massive wall around Ponyville, given how frequently it comes under attack

Unemployment in the local area is all but completely wiped out with her constant push of civil projects creating thousands of jobs for ponies that don't mind working in some manner of farming or construction

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>So, wait, why am I a princess again?
>Because you seem to be the only goddamn one of those ponies who gets that a Princess need to do actual work regarding maintenance of the kingdom. You know how much city planning or trade negotiations Twilight or Luna have done? Fucking nothing. Everyone is obsessed with the world ending threats they think I should fight, but the minute I point out the free healthcare I have to work to maintain everyone goes quiet. And don't even get me started on Cadence, who can't even manage a basic meeting with the Equestrian Games representative. Fucking annoying. Go do actual princess stuff, because apparently everyone else got the panphlets mixed up or something and think "Princess" means "Beat cop."

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After Princess AJ's bonanza-like expansion of farmland, she accidentally crashes the entire food market, leading to a reform that stated money can only be charged for foodstuff that is either sold prepared or if it is exported to regions that don't grow it natively. Raw food exchange is state-regulated using wooden coins, printed with a magically-reactive ink to prevent counterfeit. Each household is supplied with a cache of agri-bits at the start of each month based on their size

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>Compensation for your invention? Ya dinnae even see how many ponies will lose their jobs once yer contraption enters the market? Get tha' thing outta my sight before ah personally get down and crush...
"Ahem."
>Oh. Ah, Princess Celestia, ah dinnae know you would be come during court...
"Applejack. The reason I elevated you to the rank of Princess is because I expected you to allocate our subjects to their job posts more efficiently. Not to suppress natural progression of agricultural technology! Now, get down and apologize to him for your emotional outburst."
>Yes ma'am! I mean Your Highness...
"I know you are new to all this Princess business, but you would have to learn fast so I won't have to micromanage your work more often."
>Yes, Your Highness.
"After that, you will submit a report on how many stallions will be saved from farm work with this invention and can be drafted to the guard. Attach a supplementary section on how much more farmland will be needed to feed those stallions. It's been too long since we took care of the changelings..."

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>They won't stop protestin'.

>Whatever for?

>They think Ah'm gonna make them all eat apples forever or somethin'. It's like they all just forgot that my aunt and uncle are the head of the Orange branch. And also that Ah have a carrot field. The first one Ah' kind of get, but how do you forget about the giant patch o dirt that covers a huge chunk of my property?

>I love my citizens like they were children, but they have the memory spans of concussed gophers, I swear.

>Cadence also wants you to go show her how to sign a bill inta' law again. And the guards are askin' how to deal with a rowdy bag of sand. Didn't Shining Armor train those guys better than that?

>It's so rare to find true love so meant to be, isn't it?

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>"...so 'Tia, can y'all explain somethin' to me?"

>"I'm a little busy Applejack, but I can spare a minute. What is it?"

>"How is it that ah never got taught 'bout zebras at school? Ah was right terrified of Zecora 'till Twilight showed me she's just like ponies. An' it's not like we don't have books an' books on zebras here in tha palace."

>"You never learnt about zebras? I assumed they were common knowledge.. What about griffons?"

>"A'fore ah started studyin' tah be a better princess, ah knew they lived tah the north. 'bout it really."

>"...okay, get to work on a new curriculum. Turns out we're ruling over racist idiots as opposed to plain idiots."

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>Celestia, need a second.

>Oh, now what?

>Why aren't there any guards stationed at Ponyville? We get attacked by stuff all the time.

>...What? You mean like Discord? There's not much they can do about that.

>No, Ah' mean like, an Ursa Minor once stomped through town.

>...Come again?

>And then there was when the Parasprites devoured a bunch of it.

>The what now?

>And then there was that hydra just on the edge of town

>The WHAT!?

>...Frikken cows once almost stampeded the place even. Ponies in armor would've been really helpful. Never mind when the dam broke.

>...Who... what?

>Ah mean, we appreciate you sending the Wonderbolts for backup when Spike supersized and went on a rampage, but we kind of need.... Princess? You okay?

>Fine. Just... just... so many letters, you know? I have an entire archive of this stuff, and NEVER ONCE did this come up. I feel like it should have.

>....They blame you fer not stopping it.

>Of course they do, dear Applejack, of course they do.

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>Applejack! How did you enjoy your trip to the Crystal Empire?

>Did ya'll ever teach Cadence how plants work? Basic stuff, ah' mean.

>How plants work?

>She has zero crops. None. Not a single plantation. How the buck does she think she's gonna survive if something happens to the railroad? Her fruit's ain't exactly going to keep!

>W-well, I'm sure she has a.... She didn't have a backup, did she?

>Nope.

>How long would she last?

>Bout a week. Maybe a week and a couple days, iffin they started eating each other.

>Ah. I see.

>...They blame-

>Me, I know. It's all my fault. I just... I know.

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>"Ah have tah ask Princess, there's been something that's just been makin' me fret all week long."

>"Something else Applejack? Very well, though I'm starting to think this country is beyond repairing."

>"Shucks, it ain't nothin' like that, it's just.. why're we on the side of a mountain? It can't have been easy magicking all the stone up here to this this here castle."

>"Well, there were.. some factors tha-"

>"An' another thing, there's no resources halfway up a mountain, there's no trade passage 'round here to guard an' it's a right pain shippin' goods up ta the city every time."

>"It's not as simple as er... that Applejack."

>"So y'all are tellin' me we're still payin' a fortune shippin' everythin' needed for an entire capital city of ponies up a mountain, losin' lives over the edge every month an' bein' exposed tah underminin' attacks 'cause of what?"

>"Erm.. I. Well.. I need a drink, first."

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>...Oh dear, you're giving me that look again. Just... Just let me take a seat first.

>....

>....Proceed.

>Alright, Ah'mma come right out and say it. Yer guards couldn't handle Applebloom hopped up on sugar. Ah doubt they could win in an arm wresltin' competition with a particularly nasty earthworm. Yer guards suck, Princess. Who the buck could have trained them so badly that they couldn't handle ONE changeling? Ah personally took on DOZENS. And ya know what? Ah'm not a fighter. Ah've spent more time worrin' about mah hair than ah have in a fight, and Ah don't give two shakes about mah hair, my hair sucks.

>....So-

>Basic combat. Is that too much to ask, for them to know BASIC COMBAT? It's their job, ain't it? They couldn't protect a jar of jam from some crafty ants! WHO TRAINED THESE PONIES!?

>...Shining Armor.

>Really? So-

>So you probably really just hurt Twilight's feelings.

>....She's right behind me, isn't she?

>Uh huh.

>Dang.

>Oh hey, it's not my fault for once! Yay!

>.....

>Wait, that was pretty inappropriate. Dang. Squandered that one.

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>Entry 5198, Year 12 of HRH Princess Applejack
Visited the Appleoosan territories today; tensions with the buffalo remain high. As per the Pie Pact, a tribute of 40 pies is paid to each of the buffalo peoples per solar cycle. Naturally, the buffalo continue to abuse this arrangement, allowing their population growth to spiral unchecked, therefore placing an enormous strain on the resources of Appleoosa and the surrounding regions. Negotiations have broken down, so I have dispatched a battalion to annex additional farmland from Cape Buffalo while I investigate other options.

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>"..so remind me Princess, why ain't any of us Queens or an Empress even?"

>"Don't go there Applejack. I've put up with everything else, but do not go there."

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>"Shining Armor was NOT a bad guard captain, Applejack!"

>"Twi, sugar, you would make a better Royal Guard Captain than yer brother."

>"Oh, yeah? We'll see about that! Princess Celestia I am taking over the Guard Captain slot and intend to be the worst Guard Captain ever!"

>"Eh, I'm with Applejack on this, I don't think we could do much worse."

>"Just you wait, in a week's time, Equestria's going to be a pit from Tartarus!"

>One week later...

>All petty crime, major crime, and global threats to Equestria are undone and the kingdom is a utopia

>"... Wow, I hate to say this, Shiny, but you really did suck in mind blowing ways."

>"Argh! It's true! I only got in on my good looks and DnD tactical skills!"

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>Alright princess, we need to talk.

>Please no, not again!

>We need a fence.

>...I'm sorry, what?

>Look, Ah' get that a wall around Everfree would be way too expensive, way too time consuming, and ultimately ineffectual. Ah' get that, Ah'm on board there. But you know what? Everfree actually keeps to itself most times. The only time anythin' comes in is when some sugar-headed idiot drags somethin' from there into town. You know some kids dragged a giant star bear into town once?

>I'd heard.

>You know what would solve that? A fence. Just a basic, no nonsense fence. Neck high, made of wood, and a little "Keep out" sign. Can we manage that? Can we manage a fence?

>...You know what, I'll give it a try! I mean, how hard could that possibly be? My citizens can surely build a basic wooden fence.

*The very next day, Ponyville is on fire.*

>.....

>.....They blame-

>I KNOW!

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