HILLUH-RY CLINTON WHILE YOU LIE THEY-UH HOPEFULLY AS UNCOMFUH-TUH-BLE AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN BE I WANT YOU TO LISTEN TO ME. I WANT YOU TO DIGEST THIS BECAW-SE BEFORE I LEAVE IN 3 MONTHS ... WITH YOUR DEMOCRATIC NOMINATION FOR PRESIDENT I HAVE ... A LOT OF THINGS I WOULD LIKE TO GET OFF MY CHEST.
I DONT HATE YOU HILLUH-RY. I DONT EVEN DISLIKE YOU. I DO LIKE YOU. I LIKE YOU A HELL OF A LOT MOH-UH THAN I LIKE MOST REPUBLICANS ... ON THE SENATE FLOOR.
I HATE THIS IDEA ... THAT YOURE THE BEST. BECAUSE YOURE NOT. I AM THE BEST. I AM THE BEST FOR THIS COUNTRY.
THERE-UH IS ONE THING YOU AH BETTUH AT THAN I AM. AND THATS KISSING WALL STREET'S ASS. YOURE AS GOOD AT KISSING WALL STREET'S ASS AS RONALD REAGAN WAS.
I DONT KNOW IF YOURE AS GOOD AS TED CRUZ THOUGH. HES A PRETTY GOOD ASS KISSUH. ALWAYS WAS AND STILL IS. WHOOPS IM OUTING THE PLUTOCRACY. *wild hand gesture at camera*
I AM THE BEST MAN FOR THIS JOB.
IVE BEST SINCE 1991 WHEN I WAS VOTED INTO THIS GOV-UH-MENT BECAUSE ... PROGRESSIVES SAW SOMETHING IN ME NO ONE ELSE ... WANTED TO ADMIT.
THATS RIGHT IM A PROGRESSIVE GUY. YOU KNOW WHO ELSE WAS A PROGRESSIVE GUY. RALPH NADER. BUT HE SPLIT.
BUT THE BIGGEST DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ME AND RALPH NAD-UH AND I IS IM GOING TO LEAVE WITH THE NOMINATION FOR PRESIDENT.
IVE GRABBED SO MANY OF THOSE IMGINARY AMERCIAN DREAMS  ... THAT ITS FIN-UH-LY DAWNED ON ME THAT THEYRE JUST THAT ... THEYRE COMPLETELY IMAGINARY
THE ONLY THING THATS REAL IS ME AND NO MATT-UH HOW MANY TOIMES I PROVE IT
IM NOT ON YOUR LUV-LY LITTLE PERIODICALS IM NOT ON THE COV-UH OF THE DNC HOMEPAGE. IM BARELY PROMOTED. I DONT GET TO BE ON FACE THE NATION. IM CERTAINLY NOT ON ANY CRAPPY SHOW ON CNN. IM NOT ON EVEN ON CROSSFI-UH. BUT THE FACT OF THE MATT-UH IS I SHOULD BE. THIS ISNT SOW-UH GRAPES
BUT THE FACT THAT TED CRUZ WON A CAUCUS AND I DIDNT MAKES ME SICK.
OH HEY LET ME GET SOMETHIN STRAIGHT ... THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE DONATING SUPAH PAC MONEY TO ME RIGHT NOW ... YOU AH JUST AS BIG A PAHT OF ME RUNNING AS ANYTHING ELSE. BECAUSE YOURE THE ONES EATING THAT GOVUHMENT CHEESE. YOURE THE ONES PUNCHING THOSE BALLETS THAT MY NAME ISNT ON. AND THEN TWO YEARS INTO MY FIRST TERM YOU TRY TO TURN AROUND AND GIVE MY POW-UH TO SPECIAL INTEREST GROUPS BECAUSE YOURE TOO LAZY TO GET ELECTED TO A REAL JOB.
IM LEAVING WITH THE DEMOCRATIC NOMINATION THIS SUMM-UH. BUT IF NOT HELL WHO KNOWS MAYBE ILL GO BACK TO CAPITOL HILL. MAYBE ... ILL GO BACK TO BEING A MAY-UH.
HEY BUH-LINGTON HOW YA DOIN *waves violently*
THE REASON IM RUNNING IS YOU PEOPLE. BECAUSE AFTER IM GONE SPECIAL INTERESTS AH GOING TO POUR MORE MPNEY INTO THIS SYSTEM
THE WHEELS GPNNA KEEP TURNING AND I UNDUH-STAND THAT. AND ID LIKE TO THINK THAT MAYBE THIS COUNTRY WILL BE BETT-UH AFT-UH ALL THE BABY BOOMERS ARE DEAD BUT ITS JUST GONNA GET TAKEN OVER BY GEN-XERS AND TGEIR TRUST FUND KIDS AND THE REST OF THEIR WEALTHY FAMILIES.
LET ME TELL YOU A PUHSONAL STORY ABOUT BARACK OBAMA. YOU KNOW HOW WE DO THIS WHOLE HOPE AND CHANGE CAMP-*mic cuts off*