Henching Thread Stuff

Hey,/co. Job market is harsh!
Got any more advice for someone considering the henching lifestyle?

HENCHING ADVICE THREAD

HENCHING IS LOVE THREAD

Henching advice
Henching recommendations
Henching Stories

Who would you work for? Why?

Who wouldn't you work for? Why?

What was the best time you had henching

What was the worst time you had henching

Talk about the best equipment.

What are the best tips you can give a newbie?



I gotta say, I was pretty juiced when I got to hench for Black Cat. She's such an effing hottie and hot pants? Do you even have to ask? Sure I hit that. Still got the scars on my back to show for it. Gettin' the crap beaten out of me by Spider-Man wasn't great, but it was a hell of a lot better than henching for Kraven.


>Let me guess... you still have Kraven's nailscars in your back...
Yeah, but getting them's not as much fun.
One more thing. My friends keep telling me that I henched for The Purple Man, but I really don't think I did that.


I henched in Astro City once. Place is weird. It's as old as Gotham but far too clean. Even the slums are clean. And there's this sense that everything you're doing is important. Anyway, I was working for a small-time guy named Professor Mangle and it was way different. You know when you work for small dime in Gotham or Metropolis, you live in an old warehouse, or condemned building or...if you're lucky, some murdered rich guys penthouse with the body still on the premises. We all had like hotel rooms in the good Doctor's basement hideout that looked like an old movie theater from the 30's. Oh and you got spiffy uniforms so you matched him. (I hope some of those villain tailors will speak up in this thread. I bet they've got stories.) Never had a bespoke suit before. And you got medical and dental right off. Good times. Good times. I'd be there still except once the Honor Guard was done with us, that was it. It's not like the other places where the unit waits for the villain to escape or get out and pick right up again. None of that. It was like the play closed and we all went home. I had to go back to Luthor for awhile to get my head straight. I still have the suit, though. Nicest thing in my closet.


Hall of Justice.jpg
So, I applied here as sort of a joke. I mean I hadn't done a whole lot of henching, but I was pretty sure I was on their radar for something. Imagine my surprise when I passed their background check! I did do some work for Cobblepot and he had a serious tech department and one of the pixie chicks there was into me. Maybe she cleaned me up after that time we spent in the parts closet. That's the only thing that makes sense. I had checked one of my joke interests as 'cooking' and I hadn't cooked anything but meth and street-level cocaine buffering. Lo and behold they send me to the kitchen! And it is a total corden bleu setup and they've got chefs. Well, they started training me up and I never looked back. I never really thought about it before, but villains and heroes gotta eat. I bet Kingpin has top level chefs in his kitchens. I'm working as a full chef in Doom's kitchens now and it's great! Rents pretty cheap in Latveria and the girls....well, Doom has a lot of throwaways and he's pretty generous to people who can make a proper sauce Bearnaise. My advice is to try anything and see where it leads you. What could go wrong?

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How the hell did you get past the background check? I mean they do hire plenty of cooks, but to actually get straight into one of the main buildings? You lucky bastard.But you're right, the capes are almost always eating. I swear some of them have to have tampered with their metabolism to pack away as much as they do.

Still the main issue is the pranks they play on each other. Those are just sheer nightmares if they end up involving you. Markus, he head chef and my boss needed some time off since his wife got a cancer diagnosis. I got bumped up as his temp replacement and figure I'll do my best to impress the capes.

So I spend the week before he heads off figuring out everyone's favorite meal. It was really easy for some, cept for the Martian. He really bought that whole silent man stic so many follow, and at that point he still intimidated the hell out of me.

Anyway, then I hear this rumor that the Martian loves him so Choco Cookies. I almost figured it was some rumor or joke, but it was the only lead I had. So I went out and literally bought a stores supply out just in case.

Then the blue and yellow bastards wait until I tell the Martian I have them before they steal them! I mean what the hell...

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I don't know to this day. I did do some work for Cobblepot and he had a serious tech department and one of the pixie chicks there was into me. Maybe she cleaned me up after that time we spent in the parts closet.

I know your feel, man. I had to hide nearly all the cookies and the Flashes pranks drove me nuts. I mean, I do pheasant for the Bat and his date, and I'm halfway to the table with it and suddenly it's two cheeseburgers from White Castle. Or I'm making a sauce and suddenly it has twice the sugar, garlic or salt... Nearly all of their speedster shit stopped being funny real fast.

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70384721
Oh god I feel your pain. I'll admit, it was always Booster and Beetle that caused me problems with their pranks. Flash always left me out of his pranks when he visited. My main problem was how much would go missing when he was around.

I had this big meal planned, I mean full on banquet. Everything stocked and prepared just in case that rumor of the JLA head honcho's coming to visit was true. It ended up being true, me and the rest of the kitchen staff get to work and everything is perfect! I had even managed to get Beetle and Booster out running around for "special ingredients" I didn't actually need just to keep them from messing things up.

I get the first course out, everything is going great. I head back to get the second course ready and it is completely missing along with the third course. Now, I can't say for certain if it was Flash. But there was definitely a speedster involved. Thankfully before they found out they all had to run off and save the world (Lucky right?)

Anyway, I sent most of the staff home when that happened. Stuck around to clean up, after helping myself to a few drinks to calm my nerves (I can understand why Markus ended each day with a scotch or two)




So I get to cleaning up, and am in back doing dishes when I hear someone out in the hall cleaning up. So I figure the world was saved and all was safe so a few of the staff came back to help. So there I am doing the dishes, slightly tipsy and muttering about life in general. The guy helping starts chatting while he's bringing in all the dishes. We finish up and I turn to thank the new guy for coming back to help and I end up looking Superman in the eye.

I mean, you hear all the time how great a guy he is. But here I am, complaining about how I was so unprepared to step up as the temporary head of the kitchen. And he's helping out, lending an ear. And the part that really threw me? He wasn't doing any of his super stuff. He was just walking back and forth with one of the bins for clearing tables. Drying the finer glasses by hand. I mean I must have stood there staring for a few minutes as my brain tried to put this all together. He just turns and smiles, thanks me for trying to put on that great meal and then shares a drink with me.


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I wonder if there would be any cable network interested in a "Flip This Villain" show. You know have people come in and revamp his setup and get him some tech and Sun Tzu videos. Maybe a competing show with "Flip This Hero"

Or...or...or, "Flip this Henchman"

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Infrastructure.jpg
Lemme tell ya. I made money even during the housing crisis by doing building work for villains. For most of the eighties I was doing huge construction projects for Cobra. Shit, was always getting blown up, then they'd call me for repairs. And it may surprise you how many of those high tech weapons have construction uses. I mean nobody could hit anybody on either side with those lasers, but the big ones were perfect for tunnels and foundations. After that died out there was always AIM and Hydra work out there. They saw me through the 90s. I avoided the housing meltdown by doing overseas work in Wakanda and a few hundred international bases for SHIELD. You henchmen guys might want to think more about the infrastructure of all these organizations. You might live longer.


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Hackers! Listen up! Do's and don'ts here.
There are tons of opportunities for you! Just don't be the guy who goes along with the crew to defeat the alarm. Do it from miles and firewalls away or not at all.




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You know how Mr. J is when he gets the idea for some scene he wants to pull. Well he told us it was time for our performance reviews and got all dressed up in his Wall Street Suit and handed us file folders. Now, I waited a bit before I opened mine up. You NEVER be the first person to open a container Mr J hands out. NEVER. Nobody got punched, gassed, punch or poisoned right off the bat, so I opened mine up. It's done in crayon, of course, but the categories were all like, "funniness" "Ability to take a punch," Ability to take a joke," Abliltiy to take a joke about a punch," and then there was this summary. "You are doing fairly well in categories 3 and 4 but you need to maximize your potential in the other 8"  I don't remember much more of it, because it turned into confetti. But what kind of performance reviews do other villains do?


One more thing. My friends keep telling me that I henched for The Purple Man, but I really don't think I did that. What do you mean I said that already?