Guilt and Shame

     Don't let whatever I say or ask here supercede my overall earlier question - it doesn't get you out of answering and talking to me about it. Also, it doesn't get you out of my request of being able to talk about this in person (voice or mano-a-womano) - i.e., you don't get to say "yes, you nailed it" or "nope, none of that", and not have to talk to me any more. :)
    I just feel like I have gotten a decent - possibly perfectly exactly right - read on the situation from how you've talked, what you've said and haven't said, your tone, how well I know you, communications from Matt, etc. As I said before, I could be wrong - I could be way off, but I doubt it. A lot of it may come down to how much you're willing to admit is true, and how much you're willing to attribute. I first just want to get to the truth, as close to objective as we can, even though this topic is a bit on the subjective side.
     Please remember I am not doing all of this - I am not suddenly jumping the boundary like a dirty Mexican and reinjecting myself into your life like a dirty needle* - as yet one last effort to try to win you back. I am doing this, I swear, because I am concerned for you as a friend. I was already looking onward with my life (as in, moving on, albeit grudgingly) when this whole topic popped back up with the security issues. Whether the security alerts were or were not actually Matt, your reaction is what made my ears perk up. I won't apologise for that. Before that email, I was still spending a lot of my time concerned for your well-being moving forward. I spent a good chunk of my unfinished goodbye email writing about that concern. So this is nothing new, it was just the straw that caused me to ask, and you absolutely answered either perfectly or perfectly the worst way possible. :)

*Like my dirty humor?

   One more disclaimer - when I talk about what you (or Matt) are thinking or feeling, please know I am not actually telling you what you are thinking or feeling - I am telling you what *I think* you are thinking or feeling. The main reason for this email is for me to give you my hypothesis, and for you to tell me if I'm right (I am) or if I'm off. So, I'm not saying, for example, you should feel bad about X. If i say that and I'm wrong, tell me (or ignore it).

   Also, I do understand and concede that I am coming at this from a clearly biased point of view. Biased, as in, I want to protect you and think that you can do know wrong, and think that anyone who gives you even so much as a wrong look deserves a long, slow, painful death (including myself, by the way). But, I think you also would agree that even knowing my own bias, I am capable of evaluating situations fairly evenly (not perfectly, of course). Plus, I will admit that when it comes to things like Matt, I am going on very limited, filtered information - a lot of it made up in my own mind (i prefer the term "extrapolated"). But again, I think I'm close to accurate, which is the whole point of this email. Let me know how I do.

   So, all that to say, of course, you always know, I would jump at any chance to take you back, but that is not my overlying or underlying drive here. It's your well-being in your short and long-term future that I worry about. Heck, that's why I signed up in the first place, remember?
   And no, you don't get out of this by saying "I'm fine" or "I'll be fine, hun". Because
     1) I don't believe that for a second, because I know you, and I know you're just telling yourself that (in my hypothesis, at least) to keep everyone content, and
     2) I won't stop worrying about you even if you says that, because i can't see it with my own eyes - more to the point, I am not in charge of your happiness, so i can't guarantee it. Like the adage goes, if you want something done right, do it yourself. No offense, but I don't trust anyone else to treat you like you deserve and to truly make you happy. I don't even trust you to do it, frankly, because of your very nature. That's not a knock, you just are very giving and forgiving and, you know, #9ish (again, not a knock). I'm not saying I'm the best and only possible man for you. I'm just saying I know *I* can do the job, and I haven't seen any other qualified candidates yet**. If there were, I would defer to them, I swear. Damn that was a long #2 point. :)

** I said before, If I felt Matt were an overall nice, good guy, who would take good care of you, I would gladly defer and exit stage right (well, probably stage left, because I have to be different and still break the rules). But then again, if he were, we wouldn't be here in the first place. For example, Brandi's husband is a good guy - I would never want her to leave him for me (I never felt the same way for her as I do for you, though, but you know what I mean).

   Ok, so on to my damn thesis already!

    I'm going to give my overall impression, then break down some specific scenarios that I think might have happened - more for the "wow" factor in case I happen to get it close to right.
    Overall, I think you're being bullied (and more, to be covered in another point). I think you're being shamed. I think it's ramped up since day 1 (day 1 being the Thursday night you/we were discovered***). And I think you are simultaneously allowing it and being convinced by it. You're allowing it out of your guilt for causing pain. Ok, guilt is understandable, this is a hurtful act that you and I did. But, I think it's being piled on even more so - either because you allowed it to, or because of other reasons (or both), and that is just beating your conscience down into a pulp, to the point where you are unwilling to stand up for yourself. I'm not talking about standing up for yourself for the punchlist of things in your marriage necessarily, I'm talking about bigger things, like your overall freedom.

*** and by the way, when will be getting my tie-down straps back??

     I get the feeling, based upon your "body language" (I say that to mean your unspoken words when talking and writing to me, and your tone when talking/writing), that since day 2, the shame and blame has just been shoveled onto you non-stop. And with each misstep (to be enumerated presently), it has increased exponentially, to the point where you are now existing in a bubble - well, more like a hard shell, not a bubble about to pop - where your existence consists of motoring to work, your only escape being your basic b*tch mom hip hop for 10 minutes. In this shell, you stay busy at work, then motor home, take care of your kids, make sure the dinner is on the table on time, and finish the night without hopefully any conflict. And that's it. On to the next day. (That's what I've painted in my head, let me know if I'm wrong.)
     The missteps I referred to are Matt's discovery of the flowers I sent to your work, the Ben Shapiro book, anything else he's uncovered that I don't know about, and then ultimately, your "I still miss you" email**** 6 weeks ago. I'm guessing 6 weeks ago is when the guilt, shame, and threats increased substantially. I could sense the fear in your email and your voice a week ago.
     Let me take a sidebar to explain, I understand the need to cut communication with me, and to not let Matt see/hear you communicating with me, for the sake of working on your marriage. I'm supposed to be doing the same. I get that. And if that was the only, pure, reason you were doing this, I would support it. But - my whole purpose for this email and lead-in question - if the underlying environment, treatment, relationship, etc., are all unhealthy, then I don't agree. Babe, if you want to stick with your marriage because you believe in it and that it can be fixed and it can be good, I'm not going to get in the way. If you are staying primarily because you are feeling threatened, shamed, and/or bullied, then I will not abide (with all due respect). That's not a healthy marriage, that's not a healthy re-start or foundation to re-build a marriage on. That's certainly not going to work for you and Matt, given his and your pre-existing personalities. Being your best friend, I feel that I have to intervene.*****  As a side side note, when I say intervene, I don't necessarily mean ride in on my steed and take you away with me. I'd love that, as always, but right now - as I mentioned (ad naseum) at the beginning, I just want to help support you as a friend first.  Possibly because I'm the only one who can.

**** I've read that email so many times I could probably recite it by memory. Signing it "Your Crystal" just made my heart swell. It meant so much!

***** This is despite what Pastor John says. He agrees with you (in your super-dry hand-waving email that you're a big girl and you made your own bed, which is what spurred me to intervene even more), that you have resources - you have friends and family - you can go to if need be, and it's no longer my place to help. I understand his perspective, and if you tell me  the same, I'll consider it. But I won't be happy. I also don't think you could reach out to your friends because you're simply not allowed to see them, and I don't think you'll reach out to your family because you're reluctant because they wouldn't understand nor empathize with the full scope, and you'd be embarrassed, among other feelings. I mentioned this last point to John, too. (Sorry for sounding like I'm telling him your life story, but he's the only person I can talk to openly about everything. And he keeps everything confidential, including from my wife.) (Funny side story - at one point he said, "Can I pray for you?" I said, "Of course!" He said, "I ask because I feel like I might not be praying for the same thing you're praying for..." I, of course, agreed.)

   Man, I'm all over the place in writing this. I hope you can keep track better than I can. You're used to reading my writing, at least.

   This is a bit random, as i couldn't figure out a good place to insert this. One (additional) reason I feel that you are living under guilt/shame/fear is how your reasoning for staying has changed. At first, it was that you have to give your marriage a real chance, so you can hold your head up and say you did give it a chance, before absconding with your man-lover. I respected that, even if it hurt. But, after you first told me that, I never really heard that reasoning again. Now, the reasons seem more fearful. They're more about what you would have to give up, what might happen if you left. Along with that, you've been (mostly) so stoic in the past couple of months, like you're trying to convince yourself you're doing the right thing, even though you have strong feelings you're not. (I get it, you may just have strong feelings for me you're fighting.) I felt that at least some of that stoicism may be you fighting back the words of fear - not letting your fear leak through into your writing and talking. Back to your reasoning... I don't mean to imply that you have to lock into one reason and never change your mind from it. I just feel that's not the case - that other factors (the whole reason for this email) have been causing you to change at least what you're saying is your reasoning, and that's what I'm trying to get at. Your initial reason is valid. But if there are invalid (for lack of a better term) factors driving your other reasons, then those reasons are invalid, and we can get back to your initial reason. I know, I'm being too analytical here, fight me. I really want you to be doing what's best for Crystal and Crystal's family, but only on the right terms.

   (By the way, i keep saying "fear" like it's only a bad thing. I do not disagree that the fear of hurting your family - your kids - is a valid thing! I don't want that either - I've thought through my side of things a thousand times. I will not tell you how to think or feel about your side of things, just that I would be with you every step of the way, giving you 3000% support. Anyway, when I say fear, I usually mean bad fear - like fear of a threat coming true, or something like that. I think you know what I mean by it.)

   Sorry, one more sidebar. I explained this in more depth in my as-yet-released goodbye email, but I want to give a brief summary here, just so you know. Rhiannon did some (accidental) role-play with me, where she played you, and I played me, and we discussed why you would suddenly flip 180 and not want to run off with me. Rhiannon explained that as a mom, she completely understands staying in a not-great home just for the sake of the kids and the family - i.e,. not to shake things up, possibly damage things, etc. She's a #9 too, she would rather avoid conflict and take the hits for everyone else. So, why was this a sudden thing, when you and I had been planning for months with hardly any indications that it would go sour? She said it makes sense that it would hit home hard once it became real, which seems like exactly what happened. All that to say, Rhiannon helped me understand (I think) what happened with you on day 2. I can empathize a bit better now, and I am not angry about it. My anger/upsetedness/confusion comes from many other things mostly after that.

   Ok, so I explained a bit about the overall feeling of bullying and shaming. Let me share some specific events that I noticed.
The Friday night (day 2) where you called me in a panic, saying you were going home because "Matt is letting me come back home", and that you wish we had never started this (not exactly your words, but close). Besides the "it became real" explanation from above, I got the distinct sense that Matt had made some sort of threat (veiled or direct) that Friday, or at least laid on the guilt trip very hard. I'm not going to argue whether or how much guilt is valid in this context, I'm just listing events here.
Ok, I thought I had more events in mind between these two, but now I can't think of them...
D-Day, 6 weeks ago, your last regular email to me (the "I still miss you" email), followed the next day by Matt's threatening email, aka your "poking a dog with a stick". You didn't say much about what actually happened that Saturday morning, but I got the feeling that it was ugly. This is pretty much what this email is centered around. I get the feeling (and I mean, a very distinct, strong feeling) that Matt laid out some ultimatums that probably were much more threat-like than just rules. I can't imagine what would cause you to not try to reach out to me in some way - you could have even just called me briefly from your office (you actually did once, but hung up) just to say "hey, i have to lay low for a while, but i'm ok". I was begging and waiting for that call or email every hour of every day for that month. (This is not meant to guilt-trip you, but to explain my perspective and why I think happened happened.)

Besides the near-100% certainty that he was screaming at you, something you do not deserve no matter what (don't try to argue with me on that, I will win), I am guessing he was also berating you, then threatening you. I don't mean physically threatening you, although if that's the case, you HAVE TO tell me. That's far far crossing the line. I know you said it was the only other time you felt physically in danger, but I'm guessing that was from more Hulk-like rage than him actually holding his hand up as if to strike you. I swear to God, Crystal, if he did the latter, I just fucking - I can't even use the words. I'm not being macho here, I am legitimately angry thinking about it. Anyway, sorry to digress.
(it's at this point I lost the ability to format the text. I hope you forgive me!)

           So, I think there was screaming, maybe throwing things, a ton of accusing, probably some self-depreciation (on his part). But then, threats. As in, "do not text, email, call, see, or even read a text from, answer a call from, Justin, in any way. If I even think you did, Crystal.... [insert threat here]." And you are sitting on the bed, sobbing, saying "Yes, I'm so sorry. I promise I won't!"
           And from that moment on - as if it wasn't happening already - every minute of your life is accounted for. Every digital transaction (phone call, text, email, etc.) is accounted for. Probably in ways you don't even know about (as you said, he might have spoofed your phone, he might be in accounts, you don't know). If you're one minute late from grocery shopping, you must spend 10 minutes explaining why, provide a receipt, and hand over your phone. You must be home on time from work every day, despite any odd traffic patterns - they're now your fault. Don't even think about sitting in the driveway to let "In Hell I'll be in Good Company" finish playing, or you'll be late getting home! Dinner must be on the table at 5:30 sharp, no excuses - you do not want to anger him again. He's now in complete control.  And you won't stand up for yourself - you won't stand up to him - because you feel incredibly embarrassed, ashamed, and guilty for having hurt him, for having deceived him (just now and in the past), and for continuing to have feelings for and for thinking about me. Oh, that last one especially makes you especially feel guilty.
          By the way, all of that in the last paragraph - all of that happened because you had the gall to miss me. Inappropriate while rebuilding your marriage? Of course. The worst crime in the world (or even in a marriage)? Not even close.

Back to the specific threats. I've been racking my brain that entire month (and now) trying to figure out what he could threaten you with that would scare you so much. Just simply leaving or kicking you out seems a bit blase'. That's not what he wants - he wants you there because 1) he knows he can't do this (life) without you, and 2) he can't control you if you're not there. And you already want / wanted that. So that's not a threat that would stick.

Maybe he threatened to take the kids away from you? But we know that from the lawyer that he couldn't (very likely) use adultery as a reason, and I don't know what other grounds he would have to get full custody. Plus, just from a provider standpoint, you have the upper hand.
Other threats that cross my mind, but I hope they're on the less likely end, are, that he would tell your kids about his whore of a wife (sorry, my fantasy mind came up with that phrasing, I'm not necessarily putting those words into his mouth), which is just evil; that he would harm himself, which is not unlikely of a scenario, but I don't know if he would threaten it, and i dont' know how you would react to it. I certainly don't want him to be hurt, but I don't want you to be stuck in a toxic relationship simply because of threat of self-harm. I mean, that's unhealthy on top of unhealthy.
I can't think of any other threats he would/could make off the top of my head that would affect you so much. Going public (like to your family) wouldn't do much, since your and his parents know. Plus he already told a handful of other people.
I guess maybe he could have threatened (to you) to hurt me if you contacted or continued with me, but if that's the case, then - well first, please tell me - I'm not worried about that. I said I would not lay a hand on him, but I also would easily take a beating from him just to have a chance to see you again. Not kidding. Plus, you're a nurse. :)


    That concludes the scenario prediction section of this whitepaper.

    Even if my scenarios weren't dead-on, I still feel strongly that there have been some sort of threats - whether they are explicit or implicit (or both), I feel you are feeling something heavy on your shoulders. And I don't mean just the general weight of guilt that you rightfully apply to yourself, and the weight of having to rebuild your marriage and work on your family. I mean, there's more. A lot more. Or, maybe the more apt analogy is, you have the normal weight on your shoulders, and a shotgun to your back. I want to help get rid of that shotgun, or at least step between you and the shotgun.

    I can tell you are allowing yourself to live in fear - of Matt, of what he'll do, how he'll react, what will happen (to your marriage, or to something?). I can tell because of your response to my security email, where you almost nonchalantly said, "he could be spoofing my phones, I don't know...". Plus, when you called me last week, you said - like a prisoner who was able to escape from her cell briefly to make an outside phone call - "I shouldn't even be calling you!". The underlying message there was, "if he finds out, I'm dead meat!". (Again, I know contacting your affair partner while trying to fix your marriage is not a good thing - I felt that this went just beyond simply that. Tell me I'm wrong.) From the latter, I felt that you were (and are) constantly under fear that one misstep and Matt will almost literally become the Hulk with rage. And that may lead to his acting on whatever threat(s) he has made - the whole point of my question. I want to know what is keeping you in fear, Crystal. And help you figure out, is that a true fear, or are you being unnecessarily, unreasonably burdened by your own shame and guilt (or others' shame and guilt, really)?

[The following are points I wanted to discuss in person/voice, so that we would have a two-way exchange. I just wanted to write it down here so I didn't forget them. But please don't reply if you can help it, as I'd rather discuss in person if at all possible.]

   The fact that you can nonchalantly be ok with Matt just spoofing your phone, trying to "hack" my email accounts, getting into your email accounts, whatever else he's doing, really scares me. You are a strong, very intelligent, independent woman. You should not be grovelling to him. You should be accountable - yes. But you should not be a a child to his overbearing father, or a prisoner in his jail. Maybe you feel like you should - if so, you are plain wrong, Crystal. Call me and fight me about it. :)   There is a difference between complicit accountability to your partner, and one partner controlling the other in a master-slave relationship. One is loving and aiming to rebuild a broken marriage from a good foundation; the other is toxic. The latter will not even have a good foundation. How can you build a good foundation from non-trust? Of course, you'll counter with, Matt needs to trust me, that I (Crystal) won't contact you (Justin). Of course he does - there are much less toxic, must more trusting, much less controlling and overbearing ways to do so. Being tyrannical is not going to lead to a better, strong marriage. Your living in fear like an abused puppy is not going to lead you to form the kind of bonds that are needed to build a good foundation for a better, strong marriage.

    I feel you are allowing all of this - the previous paragraph, his overall being controlling (if I'm right about that), your living in fear, everything I might consider negative - because of your guilt and shame. Of course, I understand you feel guilty for having caused him pain, for having deceived him, for having been an adulteress. He has every right to be angry and hurt by that. He also has to be able to push that aside (not forget it, but deal with it) so that you two can move on with your marriage. He'll carry the anger for a while, I understand. Pastor John says he is *still* angry about Kim's affair 8 months later, and she didn't even cheat on John! (He was comparing that to Matt, when I was complaining about Matt's being mad.) So I don't begrudge Matt's anger. I do begrudge his continuing to take it out on you - actively (or passive-aggressively, but not set aside), I almost imagine. Tell me I'm wrong here. His continuing to show you that he's angry and he was hurt by what you did only reinforces, and maybe adds to, the guilt and shame you continue to feel. I don't think that's fair. You have guilt and shame, yes, but it's not fair to continue to renew it.

    In fact, not only is it not fair - it's bullying. It's controlling. It's manipulation. It's not healthy, it's toxic, it's bordering on abuse. Yeah, I said it.
    I'm going to get a little pitchy here, dog, if you'll forgive me.
    After three months of your putting your foot down WITH ME and saying you need to work on your marriage, if you are still being bullied, manipulated - even threatened (as is my assertion), then it's time to say, this toxicity is not healthy for rebuilding our marriage. This need to control me is not going to go away, this is just how Matt is and always has been; and given that he now has a huge handle by which to try to control me (both by his reasoning, and my allowing him to do so), it's not beneficial to me or our marriage to stay in it. It will only harm me (Crystal!) more and more emotionally as time goes on, which will harm my family. It certainly won't help my family. It's time to *safely* find a way to get out. *Safely* for everyone involved, including and especially Matt.
    I'm done with my pitchiness, I just had to get that off my chest.

    Back to your guilt and shame (see a theme here?). I'm overlapping my previous points here. But your guilt/shame that you let yourself feel (in this case, I am asserting that it's more than the normal amount you should be feeling) will not allow Matt to get better - better as an individual nor as a husband. Your shame and guilt will cause you to capitulate to him more (see my thousands of examples previously), to surrender your freedom for a long time - far longer than you should in this kind of situation, to basically give up on yourself as anything but doing the housewife and mom functions, because anything else is just a risk, and you know you can do those functions well. That will not let Matt grow and change as he needs to in order for the marriage to improve. (This is working from the theory that both of you have stuff you need to work on, despite your being the one that cheated - of course, my assertion is that he has 95% of the changes, and you have 5%, but that still applies.) He won't need to change anything because he'll be getting what he wants - a dutiful and compliant housewife who doesn't challenge him. What needs to change in the marriage won't be changed. And by the time he might loosen up on his restrictions on you, by the time your guilt and shame might lessen enough that you could stand up if you wanted, you'll be too worn out and too worn in a rut to try to change anything. Plus, he'll be too entrenched to need to (or be able to) change anything. And you'll be back to where you started, before the affair. Roommates. But with a lot more cynicism and distrust.

   [Heavy-handednesss coming up]
   You do not deserve to feel like this. You don't deserve to "lie in the bed you've made" - not when you're being treated this badly. I don't care how badly you feel, you just fucking don't deserve it, Crystal. I don't care how badly you think Matt feels, that doesn't mean you deserve it. I'm not excusing or (completely) justifying your cheating. I am saying you are letting yourself be treated far too badly for what you've done - with no accountability to anyone else. You're just letting yourself be run roughshod over. Because you feel bad. At some point, it's enough, Crystal. You said you were ok with Matt's threatening me (!!!) and whatever he did to you after you sent me ONE EMAIL because you kept poking a dog with a stick. That's not what you did. You didn't parade around in lingerie I bought you telling him how much you love me, showing off all the gifts and love letters I sent you, continuously sending me emails that you know he saw. That would be poking a dog with a stick. You sent one email after 2 weeks of silence, which was just after a previous 2 weeks of silence (that I had broken because I had a breakdown). You are giving Matt far too much credit and far too much leeway in how he's mistreating you. I don't understand what he's done to make you feel this way. And on a completely selfish note (sorry in advance!), I don't understand why my pain for losing you, when you know that I absolutely deserve you, gets no consideration. (I understand the difference in some ways, I'm not stupid - I'm just making a point/comparison.) For God's sake, a man who would intentionally cause you this much pain (not just before the affair, but now) - you don't deserve to be accountable to him to the point where you should incur this much pain, babe. You deserve better. You've been punished enough. That doesn't mean there's not hard work ahead, but you've been dragged through the mud enough. God, you must feel literally like shit by now. What do you see when you look in the mirror now? Do you still see the amazing, awesome, beautiful Crystal that I see? Be honest with me (and yourself).

   Ultimately, you know how I feel about your guilt and shame. I feel you barely owe Matt anything guilt-wise. I feel that he put you through pain for 10-15 years of marriage - yes, not constant pain, but pain enough that made an awesome woman like yourself have to seek companionship outside of marriage! He put you through enough shit (or, didn't give you enough) that I made you fall in love with me in the first five minutes just by complimenting you, touching you, and looking at you in your eyes. Crystal, a marriage is a partnership, it's both sides giving what each other needs - not 100% of what each other needs, of course, because we're none of us perfect. But it's trying - trying to understand what each other need, and trying to provide it. You know why? Because we love each other. And when I hear your history with Matt, when he not only barely gave you what you needed, but actively worked against what you needed in a lot of cases (actively wouldn't look into your eyes, actively wouldn't not pee on the seat, etc.), that makes me think he doesn't love you, or at least as much as he should.******  A marriage isn't 2 people living in the same house only working for the same practical goals - making sure the kids are fed and still alive, making sure the bills are paid, and food is prepared. It's providing each other's non-practical needs. That's what he failed at, and I'm willing to bet, will continue to fail at. Even if all of the stuff above hadn't happened (all of your extra guilt/shame, the threats, etc.), I still would have put money that Matt wouldn't do well at learning and getting good at (and enjoying) providing for your emotional and relational needs, in the long run. And I think you know that. That's just not him. His emotional IQ is very low. Now, to be fair, mine's not super high, but when it comes to you, mine is pretty spot-on - it's where it needs to be.

******I'm sure Matt has love for you, don't get me wrong, but not enough to even try to learn what you need after 15 years. And at this point, he's just learning what you need just to keep from losing you, and I honestly feel he'll just be going through the motions. Or it'll seem like he's going through the motions, because even if he tries, it'll be passion-less. Each thing (that you need) that he tries will be just so he can check it off the list and show that he's trying. Do you want that? Will that give you a true connection? (Of course, I'm not saying every single new thing he tries will be 100% disconnected and emotionless, I'm just saying overall, on average, most will not be him jumping for joy. You know what i mean.)

[More pitchiness, apologies!]
     Did Matt abuse you? Of course not. Did he cheat on you? Doesn't sound like he has the energy for it. But did he neglect your needs? Absolutely. I'm biased, of course, but I think that's enough to leave a marriage over, if you are fairly sure he's not going to change. Especially (maybe *only*) when you know you have someone else who can do the exact opposite. Your happiness is not the only important thing, Crystal - of course. But it is important, because you have only one life on this Earth. You've already lived half of it struggling to tell yourself you're happy (admit it). It seriously causes me a lot of pain to think that you will spend your life in moderate contentness - if even that - when you and I know how happy we could be. Your life matters, too.
   You're an eternal optimist, so you can tell yourself you're happy and you do feel moderately happy. But look back, you know you weren't. If that trick actually worked, you wouldn't have needed to find someone else for an affair. You can't fight the tide sucking you out into the sea forever. You don't want to live your life as a lead role in a cage.
   I seriously mourn for your lifelong happiness, Crystal. I don't say that as if I'm rending my clothes and falling to the ground in tears. I just mean, as your best friend, as your biggest fan, and as someone who has to remain disconnected from you forever, it tears at me to think - to be fairly certain - that overall, you may not be very happy. I mean it, it kills me.
   (And don't you reply, again, with "I'll be fine babe, don't worry". Fuck you, I'll worry! Fine doesn't work for me!)
   And again, I don't mean to imply I'm the single lone hero that can save you from a life of tragedy. I don't even mean to imply that you and I would be happy forever. I think - as you do - that there's a good chance. But there's no guarantee. I just know that we would be happier than either of us are now. And that's a start. I want you to be happy, babe - with or without me. I want to know that you're happy. And I just know - convince me otherwise! - that it's not in your current situation. With the guilt and shame you are going to continuously put on yourself, that Matt's going to keep putting on you whenever he needs to, you won't have a chance.
[never end the pitchiness]



So, that was a long one, eh?
[That's what she said]
[Title of my sex tape]

Tell me in one quick reply, do i know you? Or am I way off?

I expect FULL honesty, Crystal. You're my best friend, I don't want any more couching, hiding behind stoicism. We have very few words left to exchange, I don't want them to be false.

As I said before, I would much much much rather talk about this on the phone or in person. I know that's risky, I know, I know I know... but given everything I said above, you know how I feel about said risk and fear. I want to know you're ok - or if you're not, why not. I don't know if I can fix it, or just support you, but I love you and I'm worried about your well-being.

And finally, I still want you. Yeah, I said it!
I'd do anything to make us work.


Love,

Your zero