Genesplicer's SCP pranks

HARMLESS SHENANIGANS? WITH GENESPLICER THE SCP OFFICIAL
[note: If I recall correctly, this comes from some SomethingAwful thread apparently]

[December 16, 2010]:
Okay, first I called Ms. 19. She has been calling me for weeks, leaving messages where she describes various incidents where she is noticing things that add up to 19, or are somehow related to the number 19. So, I managed to get her on the phone and give her an SCP interview...

:science: Me
;-* Ms. 19

Transcript begins:

:science: Hello?
;-* Hello, this is Agent Smith from the SCP Foundation.

;-* Hello!
:science: Hello, I understand that you found one of our labels.
;-* Yes I found one. I did.

:science: I have a series of routine questions I would like to ask you. It will only take a few minutes and will be of great assistance to us.
;-* Yessir.

:science: Okay. First, could you tell me the name of the city where you found this label?
;-* Um, {redacted} Tennessee.

:science: {redacted} Tennessee. Okay, where, exactly in the city did you find this label?
;-* It was... I don't quite remember the name of the restaurant, it was a crazy night, let me tell you, sir. It was, like, on a wall behind the restaurant. It was a plain, old brick wall, I don't know any other defining characteristics other than that.

:science: So it was a restaurant. Do you have a recollection as to which part of the city, north, south, east, west?
;-* It was eastern.

:science: Okay, the east side. The reason I'm asking this is we had a recent incident in the area, and some of our field agents are no longer reporting to us and we are trying to sort out what's going on. Have you been to this area more than once recently, or was this the one time that you saw this label?
;-* I was only there once.

:science: Okay, one time. Thank you. And you said it was attached to a brick wall, at the back of the restaurant. So it was on the outside of the building?
;-* Yes.

:science: Thank you. Can you describe, was it an alley, a parking lot?
;-* It was kind of a back parking lot. I just kind of walked over there, and just kind of saw it.

:science: Have you noticed any other strange occurences in the area, other than as you have described, seeing the number nineteen. Anything else odd happening?
;-* I haven't really noticed anything else.

:science: Okay, thank you. What is the weather like right now?
;-* There is snow everywhere.

:science: Is this generally what the weather would be like for this time of year?
;-* Normally there is a little bit, but not as much as we have now.

:science: Okay. What about in the summer, what's the weather like then?
;-* It generally hot. It's a Tennessee location, it's pretty hot.

:science: Okay. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, niner niner three. Have you been to the optometrist in the last year?
;-* Yes I have.

:science: Okay. Do you know if this optometrist has a current license?
;-* I don't know, I think so. I'm not sure.

:science: Okay.
;-* I mean, I would hope he does.

:science: Okay, and this optometrist was male. Have you noticed any strange behavior in any animals, either in the immediate area of the label, or in your local vicinity?
;-* Um, I recall a news story from a while ago, I think it was actually in {redacted city} where a deer ran through the window of a barber shop and ran around until it hemmoraged and died.

:science: Oohh.
;-* So that's fairly strange, in my opinion.

:science: Okay, Do you or did you experience feelings of dread or excitement when you approached the area?
;-* Um, a little, yes a feeling of dread, that's the best way to describe it.

:science: Okay, thank you. Did you happen to notice the agent who placed the label, or was the label already there?
;-* The label was already there.

:science: Okay, thank you. Delta Xray niner niner two. Have you detected any odd smells in you area recently?
;-* Not really, no.

:science: Okay, thank you. Are you allergic to shellfish?
;-* I'm not. I quite enjoy them.

:science: What about peanuts?
;-* No.

:science: Okay. Has anyone you know been hospitalized recently?
;-* Um, no, actually.

:science: Okay, thank you. The wall where you found the label, how far is it from the nearest road?
;-* Oh, forty feet or so?

:science: Okay, how about the nearest airport. Any idea?
;-* Oh my gosh, closer to forty miles.

:science: Okay, and how about rivers. Any rivers in the area?
;-* Um, yes. The closest one would be about ten miles or so. I'm not sure.

:science: Have you noticed any shadows that seem to move in an unnatural manner late at night?
;-* Not, not really, no.

:science: Okay, thank you. Have you noticed any unusual lights, either in the sky or on the ground at night recently?
;-* Umm... Not that I can remember.

:science: Okay, thank you. When did you eat your last complete meal?
;-* Actually, let me think about that... That would have to be last night.

:science: Okay, so that would be the 14th. About what time? 7Pm or so?
;-* Yeah, around that!

:science: Okay, thank you. What did you eat?
;-* Ummm, just some rice. Not much.

:science: Did it taste as good as you expected, or was it better or worse than you expected?
;-* It, umm, it actually exceeded my expectations, yeah.

:science: Okay. Was this meal prepared at home or did you buy this meal?
;-* I bought this meal.

:science: Okay. Thank you. did you buy it at a restaurant for take out, or was this a supermarket meal?
;-* It was a restaurant, sir.

:science: Okay, do you remember the name of the restaurant?
;-* It's called Tomoko.

:science: Could you spell that please?
;-* T.O.M.O.K.O.

:science: Have you noticed a smell of either almonds or motor oil recently?
;-* No, I haven't actually.

:science: Okay, thank you. What do you do for a living?
;-* I'm a student currently.

:science: Are you satisfied with being a student?
;-* It's it's okay, I'm satisfied.

:science: Okay, thank you. When is your birthday?
;-* February 17th.

:science: Ahhh, two-seventeen. Yes, you did report that. do you like this as a birthday?
;-* I guess it's okay.

:science: Do you think there would be a better day for a birthday?
;-* I can't think of one, off the top of my head.

:science: Thank you for taking the time to answer these question. If we have any further questions, either I or another agent will contact you. If you notice any other odd occurrences or have any other information to provide, feel free to call at the number found on the label.


I had to cut the interview a bit short because I realized that I had some paperwork to finish before my students came in, so I bolted my lunch and did the paperwork.

Later on in the day I called Mr. {Redacted} I will post that conversation tomorrow, if I can. You will see that he is much, much less sane than Ms. 19. He was very, very :tinfoil:

Edit: I guess there is a smilie limit...

----

[December 17, 2010]:

Although I was not able to complete the interview with Mr. {Redacted}, I did get enough to help you get the flavor of his paranoia. Here is the first part of the transcript:

Transcript begins:

:tinfoil: This is Mike
:science: Mr. {redacted}.

:tinfoil: Yes?
:science: I am agent Smith, from the SCP Foundation. I am responding to your call of November 20. I understand you found one of our labels?

:tinfoil: Yes sir. Now I want to understand you all now. I was in Southern California and I come back here and I’m finding labels from Southern California all over the place. Now what is it exactly you are doing here?
:science: Well, I am a representative of the SCP Foundation, and I would like to take a few minutes to ask you some questions, which will be of great assistance to us. Firstly, please forgive my unfamiliarity with your area, and the delay in getting back to you. Our Texas office had a recent…Um…incident, and therefore the files are being routed through our Southern California office for the time being. Can you tell me the name of the city where you first found the label?

:tinfoil: I think you know where I found the label. I think you know what I’m doin’. I mean, I don’t think it’s any coincidence that I come from Southern California and I come back over here, I mean (Exasperated exhale). I know you guys are up to somethin’, and now you guys are building something. Probably with my money.
:science: No, sir, we do not build anything. SCP stands for Secure, Contain and Protect. So, honestly, I am unaware of the activities of the Texas office, but the…

:tinfoil: That is Bullshit! Allright? Those are my tax dollars!
:science: Sir, we do not...

:tinfoil: I don’t even know where they are goin’!
:science: We do not receive tax dollars from the government of any nation, not even the United States. So…

:tinfoil: Oh, Bullshit!
:science: I do need to know the name of the city where you found the label.

:tinfoil: (exasperated exhale) I found this label in Amarillo.
:science: Amarillo. Okay, thank you very much sir.

:tinfoil: Now, can you tell me what this means? I mean it says I’m in some sort of field.
:science: Okay…

:tinfoil: Now I believe I, if I’m not mistaken, you’ve exposed me to something.
:science: No, if…

Part 2:

:tinfoil: I don’t know what it is, I’m not gonna get any answers, it’s some sort of radiation or poison in me…
:science: We are, we are not PLACING things, we are FINDING things, and attempting to investigate. We secure, we contain and we protect. Now, where, exactly did you find this label? Was it attached to a building?

:tinfoil: (pause of 7 seconds) I think you are giving me the runaround, here.
:science: No, sir, I am not. I am attempting to secure information so we can further understand what we are dealing with.

:tinfoil: I found this at a construction site.
:science: A construction site…

:tinfoil: And I don’t know what’s goin’ on there, and I’m not getting any answers here!
:science: Okay, are you a construction worker?

:tinfoil: No, sir, I’m a mechanic.
:science: You are a mechanic. So do you work at this facility?

:tinfoil: On that day, I was called out to that facility.
:science: And that was November 20, correct?

:tinfoil: I believe so, sir.
:science: Okay. On the construction site, where was the label attached, sir? Was it attached to the building being constructed or a piece of equipment?

:tinfoil: I believe it was attached to some sort of communication box, an electrical box, something like that. Now I want to know what that means. A field of effect, or something like that on the sticker. You can’t just go around exposing anybody you want to anything you want, and not tell me any information.
:science: We at SCP...

:tinfoil: It’s not right!
:science: We at SCP, we were alerted that something was occurring, and we are investigating to find out what it is. The field operative who is in charge of this has provided me with a list of questions to ask so we can get further information. You have been to the site, he has been to the site, but other people may have been as well. So it was an electrical box. Have you noticed any strange occurrences in the area? While you were there did you…

:tinfoil: I don’t know! I…I… what do you mean by strange?
:science: Anything out of the ord…

Part 3:

:tinfoil: I’m just trying to do my job, and here I am exposed to somethin’! Now you sayin’ I’m not exposed to somethin’.
:science: No, I…

:tinfoil: You said right there on the sticker I was exposed to somethin’!
:science: I do not know if you are being exposed or not, sir. Personally… Just one moment (Obvious clicking sound) I have stopped the recorder. The computer is going to notice in just a few a few moments that the recorder is off. So let me tell you something.

:tinfoil: NOW YOU’RE RECORDING MY PHONE CALLS?!?!?!
:science: Sir, just a moment. SCP records every…

:tinfoil: I don’t think it’s any coincidence that I was over there in Berkeley and I come back over here and I’m getting calls from Southern California, seeing stickers and bullshit from Southern California, you guys are giving me the runaround…
:science: Sir, let me explain before the recorder comes back on. When the computer notices it’s off, it will come back on in just a few moments. So if I suddenly change what I am saying, You will know. 99% of these things turn out to be absolutely nothing, but right now, we have to investigate what’s happening. Something happened in one of our Texas offices, and they are asking me to ask a bunch of questions. I don’t think anything is happening around Amarillo, but you never can tell. The last thing we saw was near the border, so I don’t think we have anything going on in Amarillo, but somebody placed a sticker, so we have to investigate. So I don’t think there is any/have you noticed any strange occurrences in the area, sir?

:tinfoil: Now what do you mean by strange? And why are you recording me, anyway?
:science: Shhhh! Any animals behaving strangely, equipment breaking down out of the ordinary, things like that?

:tinfoil: well, I imagine. I see cars breaking down all day.
:science: Okay. Cars breaking down. In this general area then. What’s the weather like right now, sir?

:tinfoil: Hell, I don’t know, it’s turning to winter!
:science: Okay, wint…

:tinfoil: It’s 50 degrees outside! It’s muggy!
:science: Is that generally what the weather is like out there at this time of year?

:tinfoil: I never pay attention to the weather! What’s the weather got to do with it?
:science: I’m just…

:tinfoil: Am I poisoned or somethin’? That’s what I need to know!
:science: I’m getting…

Part 4:

:tinfoil: you are putting everybody in danger!
:science: I am asking the questions that they have given me. So, have you noticed any strange behavior in animals in the area, sir?

:tinfoil: Well, what fuckin’ animals am I gonna see????
:science: Perhaps birds, wildlife, I don’t know. Amarillo is kind of a desert environment, I believe. Are you noticing any strange reptile activity or anything like that?

:tinfoil: Well, (exhale) I found a snake in my yard. That’s kind of unusual for winter.
:science: Do you know what kind of snake it was?

:tinfoil: It was just a garter snake.
:science: Okay, a garter snake… Probably nothing unusual. Have you been to an optometrist in the last year sir?

:tinfoil: Now how do you know I’ve been to the optometrist?
:science: Have you, or have you not? Most people do, but not everybody does.

:tinfoil: Well, yes I have, sir.
:science: Okay, thank you very

:tinfoil: And I think you know it already! I think you know a lot more than you’re letting on already.
:science: Have you detected any odd smells in the area recently?

:tinfoil: (voice raised, almost yelling) Like what kind of odd smells????
:science: Ummm, a smell of diesel fuel in an area where you would not normally smell it, well it’s a construction site, so you may have noticed that.

:tinfoil: Good God!
:science: The smell of almonds or perhaps peanuts?

:tinfoil: There’s a smell of oil and cattle all over this fuckin’ place, and I’ll tell you what…
:science: That is Amarillo, correct sir?

End transcript.


At this point I was cut off. The call lasted 8 minutes, 45 seconds. I’m not sure if it was on his end or mine, or whether he hung up, but that was as far as we got. Attempts to call Mr. {Redacted} back failed. However, it got more interesting when I got a call back about an hour later.

“Oh, you bastard! You call me up, asking all kinds of crazy things. Did you cut off my phone? Son of a bitch! Swear to God you boys are writing some big checks and I swear it’s (unintelligible). All right. Now you can call me back after I’m done with work. I know… (sarcastic tone) You’re gonna wait until my phone battery’s dead, or I’m out of service something like that, then you’ll call me back. You do it every time, just to play with me. (Angry exclamatory grunt.)”


Then it got even more interesting when he called back about 30 minutes after the last call. In the background were sounds like a radio broadcasting and voices.

“So now you got the cops after me, huh??? Got them harassing me while I’m at my house! “


I think I will try to call him back during work tomorrow, then after 7PM on Monday.

----

[January 03, 2011]:

I have not called Mr. {Redacted} back since school got out. However, as I mentioned earlier, he called the Foundation number recently. Here's what he said:

"Yes, this is Mr. {Redacted}. Now, I don't pick up Internet at my house, but I've got a friend who's helping me look into you, and what you're doing from the fifteeth to the twentieth, and what you're doing now, and I'm on to you. Alright? I'm on to something here, and I'm not gonna let go. I'm gonna find out what's going on. I've talked to several people, and you got something against me goin', probably against everybody. I don't know where you get your money from, but I'm going to find it. But don't you worry, because I'm gonna find it. I'm going to find out exactly........ What is going where... and... and what you're doin'... to the common man who's just walking around, through his life, workin' tryin'... tryin' to make an honest livin', provide for his family the honest way. I'm gonna find out. Okay? Because I am not okay with that. I got people lookin' into it."

And a special bonus call!

I posted a sticker in a coffee shop parking lot. Less than an hour later, I got a call!

"I was at Peet's in Pasadena, And a guy, I'm not kidding you, this guy has dinosaur turds in his pockets. Okay? I mean, you'll know him when you see him. Alright..."

----

[January 06, 2011]:

I have put up these stickers all over the place. Sadly, there have been no takers beyond Ms. Nineteen and Mr. {Redacted}. I'm hoping that a few more :tinfoil: will call up.

This all reminds me of a time when my friend, Henry, and I were at the Queen Mary. We are both fans of oceanliners, and our wives were at a convention on the ship, so it gave us an excuse to look around the engine room and sneak around in some of the unauthorized areas of the ship.

While in the very rear of the Engineering section, where the propeller shafts leave the ship we encountered a group of women wearing shawls and carrying crystals. They asked us if we knew anything about the history of the ship. We told them that we did. They asked if it was true that a young man had died nearby.

We pointed to watertight door #13, which was just a few feet away. We explained that during a drill a young man had been crushed and killed in that door when it closed. Immediately all the women were around the door, "feeling the aura" of the dead guy and trying to make spiritual contact with him. After a few minutes in which the women "communed" with the dead gentleman and we stood around looking at equipment and snickering under our breath, the women came back and asked if there had been any other tragedies in the area.

Henry and I looked at each other and knew what we had to do. Every big piece of equipment suddenly was the cause of some hideous death of some poor shmuck that we invented on the spot. The bearing that held the propeller shaft? Some sailor was killed while the Mary was outrunning a submarine and he had to fill the oil reservoir on top, while the shaft was spinning. He was careless, and was grabbed by the spinning shaft which shredded his body. What was left of him was buried at sea in a small box with great honor. The women went into transports of delight, making contact with his nonexistent spirit, assuring him that he was remembered and loved in this world.

Another guy was killed when he was thrown into the back of the electrical panel during extremely rough seas and was electrocuted. His fictional death was particularly horrible, because he was not killed instantly, but spent 15 agonizing minutes slowly cooking to death as his crew mates struggled to free him. His charred remains were removed only after they had completely carbonized several hours later. One woman was actually in tears as she "psychically connected with him and shared his pain".

Around the room we went, spending an hour making up horrendous deaths and poor, sad individuals who suffered them, all the time watching these ladies being all psychic and making contact with each and every one.

These sticker bring that all back. I really need to call Mr. {Redacted} back again. I need more :tinfoil: in my life.

----

[January 30, 2011]:

I am spending entirely too much time with what amounts to viral advertising for a website and hopefully playing little mindgames with the masses. I just hope that it is more mindgame. I just love imagining scenarios of people who find these things and start seeing weird stuff. Kinda like Ms. 19. Mr. {redacted} is sort of a worst-case scenario. I'm just hoping people will call the number and explain their paranoid fantasies.

I've been drawing up stuff on the SCP papers. I figure I'll leave them under tables at Starbucks and places like that, like I dropped them and didn't realize it.

This one is very roughly based on my classroom.
http://wendingourway.com/imagesforsa3/investigation01web.jpg

This one is based on the library at my school.
http://wendingourway.com/imagesforsa3/investigation02web.jpg

This one is based on where I get my hair cut.
http://wendingourway.com/imagesforsa3/investigation03web.jpg

And I know that the SCP foundation would never have staff meetings, seeing as how everything is on a need-to-know basis, but I thought it was fun to add a bit more paranoia inducer. I added Yucaipa because it's a town close to where I'm posting lots of stickers.
http://wendingourway.com/imagesforsa3/investigation04web.jpg