Fri 13th, 4am.
Is it normal to feel so lost?
I think about it constantly, but they're always something to distract me... Until it's time to sleep. What am I doing with my life? What am I supposed to be doing? What should I be doing? Should I actually do it? Is it worth doing? They're simple questions, most overlapping, but I can't seem to find an answer.
It all just seems so meaningless. Maybe the beauty of life is right Infront of me, maybe I'm just blind, or maybe it doesn't exist. I can't remember a time I was genuinely content with living. It was always more so a concept of "it is what it is" until I realized I could end it. It's not really a good thought. It's definitely not one I should be dwelling on, let alone feeling in the first place.
But it is what it is.
I should be on medication... But there's been nothing but bad experiences. I wouldn't mind medicine leading me to death, there's nothing wrong with that, but I suppose it's more to do with the consequences of death.
The concept of death doesn't sadden me, but the concept of who had to deal with the aftermath does. It's like vandalizing a car or store. Ultimately, it doesn't impact you unless you're caught. But it's not often getting caught that's the issue, it's the thought of how much the victim will suffer. They say the victim of suicide is the one attempting to die, but it seems like the real victims are the ones that have to deal with it.
In a sense, suicide is selfish. But at the same time... Is it really? It's their body, they do what they want. It's not selfish to eat meat Infront of a vegan, it's the vegan's choice to get upset or not.
However... If that vegan is someone I care about, then it does matter. the side effects that could potentially push me to just stop living, but it never worked. I guess I was too optimistic. I could try the same thing again, but I know it won't work.
I'm too strong to kill myself, yet I'm too weak to want to live. It's sort of funny when I think about it. It's like being such a failure that you can't do anything right, include killing myself.

Maybe I'll continue my thoughts later. It's 4:22 and it's time for me to try and sleep again.
Good night.... Or morning.