Tired of my own BS

I'm currently not comfortable in my own skin.

It took a week away from it all and a little bit of lsd on the side, but I had a revelation that I'm currently wholly and entirely uneasy with the way my life is unfurling before me. My interpersonal relationships aren't great, I still don't have a car after all this time, there has been a tightness in my chest for months now that could very well be complications of the coronavirus and I just don't know it yet, I cannot sing because of said tightness in my chest, and I'm starting to fall behind in the schematics of where I envisioned myself as a streamer once again.

I'm just so fed up with my own bullshit of disorganization and a lack of focus, and that frustration is bleeding into speedrunning; the last passion I even have access to right now. Changes are going to be made, and I wanted to make that clear to all of you.

Man, even writing all this shit down feels so stupid and anxiety inducing.

Here's my short term list of habits I want to establish for myself:

-Clearing all unread messages from twitter and discord
-Answering all DMs within 12 hours of receiving them
-Reorganizing the layouts of my twitch and youtube pages to give them a more professional look
-Reaching out to other speedrunners on a more regular basis and rooting them on as they try to achieve their goals
-Meeting new speedrunners and exploring new games
-Repairing relationships with people I wasn't a good person toward in the past
-*sleeping at a regular goddamn hour*

For so long I chased this image of what I thought a successful runner/streamer would look like, but holy moses that kind of life is so soul crushing and honestly paints me as a dick. I need to be a person who leads passion first, and does all he can to be a representative for the game series he loves. There will be other, bigger projects than this, but I have so much repairing to do in the short term that those goals will be gently placed on the backburner for the time being. To those I have slighted or lashed out at over the years, I am so so sorry. You didn't deserve to be victims of my insecurity, and I will move forward as a person who lifts others up instead of trying to pull them down to my level.

Thank you to those of you who have supported me despite being nowhere near the streamer you deserve. You all have helped push me to want to become the best version of myself possible

Anxiously yours,
Xem