DAiE Ch. 3 P. 3 - The Rustled Jimmies

>You are Albert, Autonomous Droid #000453
>And right now, you are feeling pretty damn good.
>You haven't had much of a chance to speak with other sentient creatures. Most of the time, the Doctor kept you running things in the lab.
>In fact, almost all of the social contact you've had up until this point was via the internet. And you can't say that's shaped you for the better.
>But you think you're doing fairly well. It's so nice to get out and talk to people.
>Or ponies.
>Twilight is detailing some interesting points of basic magical theory to you. It's fascinating.
>So fascinating that you almost ignore that the Doctor's biometrics have suddenly spiked in an odd pattern.
>Almost.
"Hmm. That's odd."
>Twilight looks back at you from the blackboard, slightly annoyed at your interruption, but immediately concerned by your expression.
>"What is it, Albert?"
>Aaaaand that's not a good reading.
"I think-"
>Your optic and auditory sensors all confirm what your kinetics knew: an explosion just rocked the castle.
>Twilight jumps, and Fluttershy lets out a terrified squeak.
"-something's wrong with the Princess and the Doctor."

>You look to Twilight, and she at you.
>Without another word, you both bolt out of the Archive's door. Behind you, you hear the yellow pegasus cry out, "W-wait! Don't leave me!"
>She flies after you, but you can't slow down to wait for her. Either of the beings in that room are fully capable of creating explosions, as far as you know, and under no circumstance would either be a good thing.
>Guards are rushing around, trying to get ahold of the situation. You'd tell them, but if the Doctor is involved you'd rather handle this yourself.
>Finally, you reach the dining hall where you left Celestia and Anonymous, Twilight not far behind you.
>As you open the door, a beam of white-hot plasma blazes past you, searing the stone wall behind you.
>Celestia is behind a magic shield, wide-eyed and panicked.
>And the Doctor is standing on the table, holding a crude rifle stock, which appears to have been made from a table leg. Affixed to it are various pieces of dining ware. It only takes a minute for you to figure it out.
"Is that a damned death ray, Doctor?!"
>He turns to you, his eyes like pinpoints. He's mumbling something unintelligble, and as he moves over the table towards you, he stumbles over a half-eaten bowl of salad and screams, firing his bodged-up death ray towards the ceiling, causing another explosion which takes out a good chunk of the stone.
>You, Twilight and Fluttershy rush over to the Princess, who is still standing there behind her arcane shield, her limbs locked up.
>She looks to you, her soft eyes full of confusion. You immediately bombard her with questions.
"Where did he get a death ray? WHY did he get a death ray? How-"
>Wait.
"What the hell are you wearing?"

>Celestia's pristine white face takes on a deep crimson tinge, and her gaze falls away, avoiding your optics.
>"It's an... Equestrian afterdinner jacket."
"Bullshit, you're dressed like a domi-"
>She shoots you a deathly look, and you shut up. Twilight takes up the slack. "Princess Celestia, what happened?! Why is he doing... that?!"
>The Princess bites her lower lip. "I don't know! We were having a discussion, and then I... he started saying something about rustled jimmies, and the-"
>What.
"You rustled his jimmies?"
>The normally majestic white alicorns' eye twitches slightly, and her voice is full of desperation. "What in Tartarus is a jimmy, and how exactly does one... rustle it?"
>Another explosion from the death ray. You don't even want to start thinking about how it works, much less how long it will hold up, and even less how long it will take before the guards figure out where these explosions are coming from.
>And you really don't want to think about what the Princess did to get him this worked up. Trouble is, you already know.
"Princess. Did you hit on him?"
>Twilight shoots you a shocked look, her mouth slightly agape. "Albert! You don't just-"
>Then she looks to her mentor, who is looking away.
>"...Princess?"
>"...perhaps I did... suggest something."
>The purple pony's jaw drops. "Princess!"

>You can almost feel something in Twilight's mind breaking.
"Suggest something? Princess, I've never seen him this-"
>"I groped him, alright? He's destroying my dining room! Do something or I'll-"
"You'll what?! This is your fault!"
>Twilight is snapped out of her stupor by your willingness to talk to what is effectively a goddess so bluntly. She and Fluttershy stare at you fearfully.
"He's never even been with someone like that before! You can't just-"
>Suddenly, the princess' massive white wings extend out, her face growing even redder.
>"He's never... oh my. That's... interesting."
>She looks over to the Doctor, almost as if she's forgotten that he's currently a raving lunatic. A blast from his death ray quickly reminds her as it slams against her shield.

"For Newton's sake, Princess, control your libido for five minutes!"
>She glares at you. "Look, just calm him down before he brings this whole castle down on my little ponies' heads. I don't care how attractive he is, if anyp0ny gets hurt?"
>The Princess leans down towards you, her violet eyes focused keenly on your optics. "Then he'd better start liking bananas."
>What the hell is it with ponies and fruit? You get the feeling you really don't want to know what she means by that.
>A fork flies past the kinetic bubble that is Celestia's shield. Doctor Anonymous is now kicking things off the table, his death ray still clutched tightly to his chest. He's babbling about 'singing in the rain', a mad grin on his face.
>This is less than ideal.

>Carefully, you leave the safety of the shield, the three ponies watching you with bated breath. Well, two of them are. Fluttershy's hooves are planted firmly over her eyes.
>The room is suddenly deathly quiet. He sees you, and stops his pacing. The only sound you can process is the slow hum of your maglev.
"...Doctor?"
>"...I thought what I'd do..."
"...Doctor, are you alright?"
>"...pretend I was one of those deaf-mutes..."
"...Doc?"
>"...reverse the polarity."
>You reach out a single gripper, your actuators whirring softly. And as you reach for his shoulder, his thousand-yard stare breaks for a minute, and he looks at you with sudden lucidity.
>"Albert?"
"Doctor?!"
>If you had a heart, here's where it would skip a beat.

>"I do believe I've finally gone over the edge."
"Y-you don't have to! Just.. put the death ray down."
>He looks at the thing in his hands, which you now see are covered in third-degree burns. How is he still holding that thing?
>"Oh. A death ray. Ha! Why did I make that?"
>Ohdearohmyohdearohmyoh
>"...oh! I remember! Ha! Ha! HA! HAHAHA!"
>He spins around, stumbling backwards, before firing the thing off again, the beam only narrowly missing you yet again.
>Mostly because you've already darted off to the safety of Celestia's shield.
>You look up at her, her face grim.
"P-please! You can't- I don't-, he doesn't even like bananas!"
>Her horns starts to glow.
>"That's fine. Because he won't be finding any."
>Ohdearohmyohdearohmy
>"On the-"
>Suddenly, the doors to the dining room burst open, and all eyes in the room fix on the newcomer.
>"Alright, where is he?"

>What the hell is she doing here?
>You, Celestia, and Twilight all simultaneously call her.
"Pinkie?!"
>She smiles at you, trotting through the wreckage of the room as if nothing were wrong.
>The Doctor stares at her, a crazed look in his eyes, as if he was dumbfounded that she would interrupt his rampage.
>Twilight shakes her head. "Pinkie, what are you doing here?"
>"I got a tail-twitch, head-spin, moonwalk! Duh!"
>"...which means?"
>"It meant Anonymous was in trouble, silly!"
>Twilight gives her a deadpan stare.
>"Well, it's happened like seven times since he's got here, Twilight. He's not exactly the safest guy."
>You had to give her that one.

>Pinkie bounces out happily from behind the safety of the shield.
"W-wait, Pinkie, don't!"
>She ignores you, bounding towards the Doctor even has he raises his ray at her in protest.
>"S-stand back, party menace! I've got a hurt gun, and it's full of-... of bads!"
>The pink party pony only gives him a grin. "I know, Anon. Y'know what I've got?"
>He spasms slightly, brandishing the death ray. "Is it a party? I SWEAR TO SCIENCE IF IT'S A PARTY-"
>She makes her way up to him, and stands on her hind legs, putting a hoof over his mouth, as she shushes him. The other hoof lightly tapping his chest with soft 'shoosh' and 'pap' sounds.
>Amazingly, this seems to calm him down some.
>Then, he screams about bees and raises his gun again, which Pinkie meets with even more shushing, shooshing, and papping.

>After much shooshing and papping, the Doctor's arms go limp, and he sort of hangs there, standing dumbfounded.
>Pinkie only smiles, before reaching behind herself and pulling a cupcake seemingly out of nowhere. "It's not a party, silly filly. It's a cupcake. Do you want it?"
>He looks at her like a starving puppy. "more than anything in the world"
>She nods her head, like a parent who's just proven herself right. "Then get rid of the death ray."
>The Doctor looks down at the device, which is now pouring off some foreboding green smoke. "...oh! This is about to explode, isn't it?"
>He looks up, and with all of his considerable might, hurls the ray out of one of the holes it made in the ceiling. It flies into the sky, before detonating in massive explosion, lighting up the sky with green energy.
>Then, he looks at Pinkie, before snatching the cupcake from her hoof and shoving it into his mouth. He barely chews before swallowing it down.
>"...I feel better."
>And with that, he collapses.