Pirlo and Allegri

Pirlo’s House

(Phone Rings)

Pirlo: Hello?….Hello?
Mystery caller: (Heavy breathing)
Pirlo: Hello?…Who is this?
Mystery caller: (Heavy breathing)
Pirlo: I dont know who you are but you better stop! I’m calling the police…(starts to cry) Please! ….Don’t hurt me!….(sobs)
Allegri: Andrea, you must be calm!
Pirlo: (sniffling) Max? (sniffles) …is that you?
Allegri: Si. I thought I would get in touch. Agnelli called me and said we needed to talk. He says you have been getting emotional recently. What’s the problem?
Pirlo: You know this is difficult for me. You abused me so I left Milan and now you’re part of my life again. This is all just so hard (sniffles). I’m just expected to take you back with open arms? You left a deep scar Max. Everyone will be talking about us in the locker room, its like we are the Chris Brown & Rihanna of Serie A
Allegri: (sighs) this needn’t be a problem Andrea
Pirlo: Its just that everyone knows you don’t like me! ……..Why don’t you like me Max why? Is it my hair?
Allegri: Ah come on Andrea, you must pull yourself together! You are a man aren’t you?
Pirlo: Yeah….well…kinda
Allegri: You will see, the left of midfield is not as bad as you imagine
Pirlo: oh God no! …Anything but that!… Please! Not the left! Please not the left! I’m like a little fishy that needs to swim deep…….
Allegri: (interrupts) Shh! Leave the Zen Buddhist BS to Baggio ok!
Pirlo: ….I can send you a dozen cases of my wine…
Allegri: (sighs) We went through all this at Milan and beside you already know I’m a scotch kinda guy. Listen…..
Pirlo: (can be heard sobbing)
Allegri: Listen to me Andrea, football has changed
Pirlo: But I like the middle, I like having men on both sides of me, it makes me feel safe
Allegri: (sighs) You need to stand on your own two feet and a team needs to be able to survive you having a bad game
Pirlo: (pouts) I want to play in the middle! I’m the middle sibling. My favourite TV show is Malcolm in the Middle. My favourite part of an Oreo is the middle. Middle! Middle! Middle! (starts crying again)
Allegri: Look, if playing on the left is going to be a problem then I know a guy who can probably help you. If you want I can get you his number?
Pirlo: (still sobbing) You will? Who….is he?
Allegri: He recently ran away from a job as he was exposed for being as crappy as some people had suspected. I think he’s in Turkey now.
Pirlo: You think I should go work with him?
Allegri: Yes. A lot of has beens ..ahem….i mean people seeking new challenges are flocking there. This guy would welcome you with open arms and you can talk to the press as much as you want?
Pirlo: (excitedly) Really?! Whenever I want??
Allegri: Oh yes, say what you want as no one will pay a blind bit of notice in Italy
Pirlo: (stops sobbing) Yeah, I can tell them how I once almost crawled to Barcelona on all fours
Allegri: There you go! Now you’re getting it! Infact if you offer him some wine I think Prandelli would play you in the middle!
Pirlo: (giggles) Im so excited!
Allegri: I’ve already booked a taxi to drive you to the airport at the end of next week, you see to all the other arrangements, ok
Pirlo: Don’t worry. You can count on me!
Allegri: Good girl