Thread 15: Stories 46-60

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>Chrysalis
"2"
~~~~

*CRASH!*

"Shiny says ya' shouldn't use the window. I asked."

>Heeeeyyyy, uh, if I promise to tell you another story, do you promise to pretend I've been here for the last hour or so?

"...okay!"

>Then it's STORY TIIIIIIIIIME!

"YAAAAAY!"

>Get strapped in, because this is the tale of Momsie, and the dogs of war!

"Got my blankie and I'm all ready to go!"

>Good enough. Now, it all started when Momsie was traversing the land of Sequestria, specifically the beach part.

"Why?"

>Oh, hey, finally I can give a straight answer. She loved the beach, the beach was awesome.

"Could Momsie swim?"

>Actually, yes. Weird, right? Never figured that one out. Anyway! As she combed along the beach, looking for others to ra-HELP! Looking for others to help because she's Momsie and that's what she does, she stumbled across a poor dealer of diamonds.

"...That dosen sound like he'd be very poor."

>Indeed! In fact, he would have been very rich. If not for... the diamond WOLVES!

"Wolves?"

>Yeah. Apparently dogs wasn't very intimating, so they changed their names. Still, you know, diamond dogs, just wanted to sound special. They weren't, but we'll get to that. As I was saying, the diamond wolves hounded the poor fellow, making him toil and work all day every day so they could reap the benefits.

"Meanies!"

>That's what Momsie said! So, in the dead of the night, she met up with the diamond worker. Now, he wasn't very trusting, so Momsie had to be a little inventive to get him to listen to her.

"What'd she do?"

>Fu-...ruuuuit baskets. Who doesn't love a fruit basket? Not him! He loved Momsies basket so much he listened to her when she laid out a plan to get those wolves all beat up!

"What was the plan?"

>She coated each of the diamonds he was to give with poison. A poison that could only be absorbed through skin. Then, she had one of her minions pose as him. Chitin is thicker than skin, so the poison didn't hurt him at all!

"She's so smart!"

>Right... except for the part where it didn't work.

"GASP!"

>Yeah, Diamond Dogs have really, really good smelling, so... yeah. Poor guy.

"..."

>...They knocked him out and it really hurt. Point is, their cover was blown! So Momsie had to 'knock out' the two diamond wolves on her own.

"YAY!"

>Not yay. One of her minions messed up and alerted the other wolves. Forty of them surrounded the building, and they were trapped!

"OH NO!"

>That's what the diamond worker thought! In his fear, he rushed out and promised to hand over Momsie and all of his diamonds if they would let him live. They didn't... er, hurt him. They didn't hurt him and said okay. Momsie was betrayed!

"Noooooo!"

>So you know what Momsie did?

"What!?"

>She revealed her REAL plan! See, she knew her plan wouldn't work, and she knew her minion was going to mess up, but it was allll as she wanted it. Right at that moment, a HUGE HYDRA exploded from underneath the ground! Momsie had used the poison not on the diamonds like she said, but to put the Hydra to sleep, and buried him right on her doorstep in the sand! The time right, she gave it the antidote, and watched the SHEER, HORRIFYING, SICKENING AND STILL TO THIS DAY NIGHTMARE BRINGING EVENT OF THEM-

"..."

>...RUNNING AWAY! They ran like you would not believe! It was so embarrassing that most of the Changelings couldn't watch! And several didn't speak for days... and one said he was never going to sleep again... and another one just kind of wandered off...

"..."

>...I'm getting off topic. Momsie had... "Driven off" the diamond wolves, and the day was saved! They found themselves with food, a nice place to sleep, and TONS of diamonds to hock!

"Weren't those the pony's?"

>...He was SO thankful to her for saving him, that he insisted that she take them! She said no, he said yes, they did that thing where he says no so she says yes so she has to take them, and THEN Momsie had all the diamonds she could spend!

"Yaaaaay! Helping ponies is good sometimes, right not-mom?"

>...Sure. Let's go with that. But sometimes... sometimes you need to watch out for when they try to stab you in the back. A little backup plan goes a long... long way.

"..."

>...Not this time, obviously!

"Right!"

>Now go to sleep, or the hydra will get you!

"Mnnnmm... I'm not scared."

>Huh?

"Cause even if there was a Hydra... Shiny could beat 'em... up..."

>Heh... guess someday you're going to be telling the world of the adventures of "Dadsie", aren't you?

"...zzzz...."

>... Well, when you do... make sure you don't leave me out. I'm a major character.

Green magic pulled the covers around her just a little tighter, and then she left.

She probably had about a ten minute headstart before someone noticed the broken window.
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>AJ2
“AJ56”
‘Shiny’
_______

>Hey, 56?

“Ngh… y-yeah?”

>Whatta ya doin’?

“Gnh… trainin’!”

>Oh.

Silence fell as Two watched 56 struggle to do push-ups, his face red with strain.

>Trainin’ for what?

“J-Junior… fliers!”

>Oh.

He went down for the seventh time, and when it seemed as though his wobbling arms might give out, his wings buzzed to life.

>Why?

“To f-fly… with Moons….”

>Oh.

With a thud, 56 hit the ground on his stomach, one shy of ten. He would’ve pounded the floor were his arms not throbbing.

“Awww darn it! I still can’t get to ten! I can take a rocket to the head and I can put my face in sunbutt’s searing rump but I can’t do ten measly push-ups? What kinda screwed up hive am I from?!”

>Not-mom’s.

“…”

>What? It’s true!

Before 56 could respond with whatever caused him to open his mouth, Two climbed onto his back and just collapsed, limbs splayed and her chin resting atop his head.

“…What’re you doin’?”

>Lyin’ down. I was tired of sittin’ up.

“Get off me, Two, you’re heavy.”

>Make me.

“If my arms weren’t jelly-”

>Yeah, an’ if marchmalley’s weren’t soft, they’d be rocks.

“...w-what does that even mean?”

>It means ya get up an' try again. Like I do when Shiny hides the marchmalley's!

"Huh... yeah. Yeah, you're ri-"

'HNNNNNNNG!'

Two and 56 looked up in unison to see Shining standing there, one hoof to his chest as he went through the motions of a heart attack without actually having one. He lifted a trembling hoof.

'B-both of you stay right there, don't move! I... this is just too precious, I gotta go get the camera! I'll be right back!'

>Bring back marchmalley's!

"You mean I have to lie here under this boulder until he gets back? Greeeat."

>...You callin' me fat?
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Climbing the stairs to her the bedroom had become quite a feat for poor Applejack 2 lately, not helped that the life inside her was seemed unwilling to sleep as she wanted to sleep.

"Hey... Settle down in there." She muttered and rubbed her stomach. "I'll promise you machmallys."

The movement slowed, but still did not fully settle. This mad AJ2 smirk.

"Aaaaand a story about Dadsies."

The movement in her womb gave a last thump of cheer before settling.

As the mother-to-be entered her room and grabbed the bag of marchmallies by her bed, she plopped onto the mattress with an 'omph!' chompped down on one of the snacks and smiled

"This is the story abut the time Dadsie and Not-Momsie fought the robot army! That's right, robots! ... Hey, you don't believe me? What do you know? You're brain hasn't even fully developed!"

meanwhile, an ever-present wail continued to haunt the castle

"MYEEEEEEEEEEEEGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!"

"Shiny, for Celestia's sake, this had gone beyond ridiculous!"

"MUUUUUHEEEEHEEEENYEEEEEEGH!"

"She's been pregnant for seven months now, she's been married for five years, and dated for ten! YOU CAN STOP CRYING NOW!"

"UWAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

"... You know what? Maybe Spike would like another mare in his harem! He hasn't broken down into tears with any of his kids' marriages and pregnancies."

NON CANON
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>Spike
"42"
'77'
-DT-
(SS)
*32*
&Twi&
_PJ_

Within the confines of the Gun Club's common room, its vastly expanded membership sit around the table that once seated a mere four. Spikes sits at the head, fingers steepled, having just brought the newer members up to speed on AJ's crackdown.

>Right, so in the meantime we are on our own as far as funding goes. I am not going to let us sit around and fall behind the curve, especially considering our budget covers most of Twi's research. Do you all agree?

"'-(*&Aye!&*)-'"

_Mmph!_

>I knew you would. Does anyone have any ideas? DT, you don't think-

-Tried it, Daddy says he's putting all his money into a campaign to be mayor.-

*coughBribemoneycough*

-What was that?-

*Nothing.*

'Perhaps we could hunt bounties, surely we've neglected the criminal underbelly of Equestria for too long.'

(Yeah I heard two guys got killed trying to blow up that wreck all those bandits near Appleloosa keep getting guns from.)

>Okay, yeah, we definitely need to take care of that problem, but I'm talking about a solution that can keep us going for a while.

"We could always get back in the tournament game, I remember a lot a money getting tossed around at the Pit of a Thousand Corpses. We split up and between our winnings and betting smart, we could be rolling in enough money to keep us well funded for a while."

(...the Pit of WHAT!?)

&A thousand corpses, Silver, keep up.&

*What if...we didn't have to go to the fights?*

Every head turns towards 32, who smirks.

*What if the fights could come to us?*

>Are you going to explain or are you going to verbally tap dance around like you usually do?

32 gets up, making a circuit around the table.

*It is my understanding that the bodies around this table have some very characteristics. Five of us are heroes of the Blueblood insurrection, two finalists of that pit of umpteen something blah de blahs, two more survived the horrors of what's inside the mountain, one managing to assume control of its nigh feral inhabitants-*

'Humble as always.'

*-one of us is a changeling skilled in survival and possessing miraculous technology, our leader is a DRAGON, we have a member with godlike powers...and, y'know, the two young fillies with absurd marksmanship skills.*

>Still dancing, 32, get to the point.

*Point is, I think we'd have a very nice case if we were to say we are the biggest badasses in all of Equestria, hell, the world...and perhaps if we broadcast that message, certain individuals may take umbrage and come to see so themselves. They might be so motivated to face down the fellows who dared to make such a proclamation, that they wouldn't mind paying a teensy weensy little fee beforehand. We stay on top of our games, maybe recruit a few promising challengers into our ranks, stay local in case of trouble, and between the entry fee and the obvious betting, we'd make a killing.*

>That...is not a terrible idea.

"No it isn't but where exactly would we hold this?"

*Why not that arena you are always fighting some beastie or another in? We could get extra cash by charging admission!*

&But then doesn't that put it under the Princesses' jurisdiction?&

'I doubt Applejack would sign off on a bloodsport in her backyard.'

32 chuckles.

*Allow me some time to put together a pitch, my friends, in the...two and a half minutes I have spent in her company I believe she and I have a good rapport. If all goes well we'll be fighting like fools in no time!*

His face set in a determined grin, 32 exits the room.

>...somedays I don't know whether I really like that guy or really hate him.

'I feel your pain.'

(...a thousand...corpses...)
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non-canon addition to this...
~~~
(...a thousand...corpses...)

&I did my research and it's actually closer to 983, they started calling it 'a thousand' once they broke the 900 mark. But doesn't A thousand just sound so much more ominous?&
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>Celestia
“Shining”
_______

>Got any three’s?

“Go fish.”

>Like hell I will. You’ve got a three in there, you cheater.

“You calling me a liar, ‘Tia?”

>I’m not calling you for dinner!

“I wish you would, you never invite me over for breakfast anymore. Remember those days?”

There was something delightfully relaxing about Celestia giggling.

>You mean those utterly dreadful mornings wherein I’d raise the sun crookedly and you’d get me back into shape my stuffing your nose with tator tots or some other thing?

“Ha, yup. And you’d say that you cooked whatever fancy meal we were eating when we both know from experience that your culinary skills are only about one notch above Cadance’s.”

>Oh come now! I’m not… I’m not that bad!

“You’re right. Two notches on a good day.”

That was enough to coerce a round of laughter from both ponies, and when it ended, Celestia was left wiping a tear from her eye.

>G-goodness gracious but I needed that laugh.

“You should laugh more these days, ‘Tia.”

>I do try, but… the current state of Equestria is always a sobering issue.

“Tch, Equestria’s doing world’s better today than it was six months ago. I oughta know, the Crystal Empire is only just ahead nowadays financially, and that’s with 18 helping me pull double shifts. You’re doing great, ‘Tia.”

>I certainly don’t feel it…

The forlorn expression that had crept over Celestia’s regal features was quickly overshadowed by surprise when the alabaster prince suddenly bent forward and kissed her on the forehead just underneath her horn. She couldn’t keep the blush from her face even if she tried and was left with her ears splayed back and her tail swishing awkwardly.

“Well, I feel it. No matter what hell Equestria goes through, you’ll always be best princess to me, ‘Tia. Always. And shoot, I gotta get back to the Empire, Cadance and Two should be back from school shopping soon enough. Don’t be a stranger, my princess!”

And Shining bowed with a funny grin, bringing back fond memories of olden days, and when he left, Celestia glanced out the window at her gleaming sun.

>Don’t do it, not yet… w-wait until he gets into the portal before you bawl like a baby….
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>Spike
“Blueblood”
~~~~~~

>So the gunclub has grown in members since the last time I talked to you. A few Changelings, a pony’re two… it’s almost like a second, mentally unstable family.

“…”

>Annnd what else, what else… oh yeah! So apparently ponies and Changelings can make babies! Glimmer- you know Glimmer, right? Well, if you don’t, Glimmer is one of Luna’s guards, her favorite, I think. She got knocked up!... kinda thanks to Chrysalis and her bill shenanigans, actually.

“…”

>There’s also the new amusement park Pinkie Pie and Cheese built. It’s called Partyland and we’re trying to decide whether to hold Glimmer and Dadling’s wedding there. What do you think?

“…”

>Right, I think so, too. It’s… been really hectic lately, lot of things going down, new developments and the sort, you know?

“…”

>Course you don’t know. Because you’re stuck down here in this dank cell, all alone and forgotten by everyone. Except me.

A twitch shook Blueblood’s form but he still remained stoically silent, still refused to face his only visitor.

>Knowing what you’ve done and all the trouble you’ve caused… if I never made mention, you’d probably die down here, Blue. The guards don’t like you either and you look mighty malnourished, which leads me to believe you probably don’t get your three squares a day. Right?

“…”

>Sometimes I wonder why I don’t just let you wither away into the nothingness you really are. I keep coming down here to keep you up-to-date with what’s going on and barely get fives words in return. And I think I just figured out why. Lazy, selfish, ignorant, and pompous though you may be… even I can’t deny your skill with a scope. That bullet you tagged me with? If it weren’t for me, my apple princess might still be in the hospital to this day. Course, you’d be six feet under but that’s besides the point. I have a… request.

And this time, Spike didn’t take Blueblood’s non-verbal reply as a means to continue. No, he required something a bit more, something to show that he was being hea-

Blueblood shifted a bit, turning his ear towards the dragon.

Spike grinned.

>Finally got your attention, eh? Good. Now, as I was saying, I have a request, and it’s not so much a request as it is a way for you to possibly rejoin the land of the living. Don’t ask me why but I get this… this gnawing feeling, right in the pits of my stomach, that something is coming. Something bad. Something out for revenge.

“…”

>I want to have your word that if that something *does* come to pass and I call for your help, that you’ll answer that call.

“…you’re almost as daft as the false princess you serve. You really think I’d lend you my expertise in any shape?”

>And he speaks. Well, the way I figure it, you have two options, Blue. You can either continue to be a stubborn bitch and waste away in here with no one to care or remember you, or you can admit you were wrong, kiss Applejack’s hooves in a show of forgiveness and try again. Actually do something right for a change.

“…”

>I’ll give you a day or two to think about it. See ya later, Blue.

“…w-wait.”

>Yeah?

“The… the, uh… the pregnant one… Glimmer? I... will it be a boy or a girl…?”

Spike could feel Blueblood staring at the back of his head in wait of an answer and smiled.

>It’s a bit too early to tell, they haven’t even decided on a name yet.

“Oh….”

>Think it over, Blue. Bye.
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>Twilight
"Applejack"
'???'
~~~~

>Are you ready for more TWIENCE!?

"Not really, no. But you've been buggin' me fer' the last hour, so here Ah' am."

>But Applejack, this is amazing! I've been examining the pony mind for a while now and I think I've finally discovered the perfect means to create the ultimate... TRUTH RAY!

"Huh... that does sound pretty useful. What's the catch?"

>I haven't tested it yet, and it looks like it hurts a lot.

"...Ah'm not lettin' you shoot me."

>Please?

"No."

>Pleeeease?

"No."

>Oh, come on, it'll only take a sec!

"Gimme the gun."

>Uh, Applejack, I wouldn't-

"Now don't pretend Ah' don't know how ta' handle a-"

*ZAP!*

'GAAAAHHHHH!'

>...

"...The trigger is the little button on the side?"

>Yeah...

"Why... then what does that trigger down there do?"

>Turns it off.

"..."

>...

"...Who'd Ah' shoot?"

>A Changeling. Looks like you fried his brain too. Man, Chrysalis is going to be pissed-

'I LOOK TERRIBLE IN BLUE BUT I LOVE THE COLOR!'

>...Wha-

'I'VE STOLEN AT LEAST EIGHT HUNDRED BITS WORTH OF SNACKS!'

"Did ya'll-"

'I OWN A TUTU BUT ONLY BECAUSE I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO FUCK A BALLERINA!'

"What's wrong with his voice? It's all distorted."

>Side effect.

'I DRY HUMPED A CADENCE PILLOW SO OFTEN I WAS WORRIED I WAS GOING TO IMPREGNATE IT!'

"He's smokin' out his ears."

>Yeah, he's probably going to die.

'I THINK ZECORA IS REALLY FUCKING HOT AND WANT TO GET WITH HER BUT I DON'T THINK SHE WOULD DO A-NNNZZZzzz...a...C-czzzzhangle... what the... where... where am I?'

"...29? Is that you?"

'N-nooooo... I'm... 5. Applejack 5 is my number. Fivey is me.'

>You're, um, you're carrying forms for the mayor.

'...NEH! YOU HEARD NOTHING! NOOOTHZZZIIIING!'

*Flees!*

>...M'kay, and this is going in the "melt it" pile.

"Wise choice."
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>Celestia
"Applejack"
'???'
~~~~

>...It might work.

"Please tell me ya' are pullin' mah' leg"

'AAAAHAHHAHAHAH! FOOOOOLISH GUARD! I CAN COMMAND YOU WITH THE FORCE OF A THOUSAND-... wait, shoot. I think I'm not supposed to call you guys fools. Is that harassment? I don't want to HARASS THE FOOOOOOOOLISH MINIONS OF THE- okay, minions is probably off limits...'

>See? She's willing to learn.

"..."

'AHHHHAHAHAHAHHA! FEAR MEEEEE! I mean, respect me!... Dang it, this isn't going to work.'

"The bug-fuck crazy one came ta' her senses before you. Ah' want ya' ta live with that."

She did not respond.

The tall, white alicorn simply turned around, and headed straight for the crying corner.
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>Luna
"Bat-Mom"
~~~~~

>FOR SOOTH, MINE SOLDIER! We are filled with glee as we hear of your decision to wed.

"O-oh! Thank you, majesty! It just kind of made sense, considering... you know."

>Indeed! Declaring a mate is important early, lest when his brood expands you be left as less than important.

"...Highness, we talked about this. The whole "Herd" thing isn't really done anymore, and for good reason. Even if it was, this is a Changeling. I don't think they follow the same rules."

>Oh? What do they do?

"Well, I think they know ABOUT weddings and all that, but when you think about it why would a species that prides itself on getting in, sapping someone dry and then vanishing without a trace have a system for long term relationships? They're not even supposed to have any females except for the Queen."

>...Huh. So, why is thine mate insistent?

"He knows it will make me happy."

>...EEEEE! So cute! You are as visually pleasing as a bit of plastic upon our clothing used to constrain it for tighter use!

"Cute as a button, Majesty. The phrase is cute as a button."

>That is what we said! COME! We shall indulge in the spa, and mark our hooves with paint!

"That sounds great, but why do you want to get your hooves done? They look fine."

>...We do not understand, we were referring to painting. As in, paint upon a canvas. They paint hooves at the place of relaxation?

"Yes."

>And this is fun?

"Lots seem to think so."

>...The world we have grown up in is gone.
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>SA
"Cadence"
'2'
~~~

>Make sure to listen to your teachers, they're there to help you, that's what they're for.

"Shiny..."

>And make sure you listen to the lessons, I know some of it's a little boring but it's all there for a reason, it's important.

"Shiny..."

>And don't horse around with the other foals too much, you're stronger than they are and might-

"SHINY!"

>...

"...She's going to be late."

With the iron will resolution of a hardened soldier, he reluctantly nodded, and stopped hugging her.

>Have fun, and we'll be right here whenever you get back.

She nodded, a wide smile covering her face.

'Okay, Shiny! This is gonna be fun!'

>Y-you're absolutely right.

With a wave, she headed towards the portal, where she would be lead to Celestia's most prestigious school. Well, as prestigious as a kindergarten class could get, at least.

'Bye Shiny! Bye Caddy! Love your!'

"Love you too, sweetie! Have fun!"

>H-have fun! Love you!

In a flash, she was gone.

"...And now you can start crying."

>...You know what? No, I think I'm okay. Celestia will make sure nothing bad happens to her, she'll make a bunch of friends, and she's going to learn a whole lot. She'll be okay... she'll be... okay.

"Oh... good..."

>...You can cry if you want.

"Well, if you're offering..."

Her face was buried in his neck in seconds, and at last she could finally let it all out.

On the other side, miles away, the miniscule Changeling looked around the class room filling with some of the children of the most powerful and influential ponies in the world, and her happy, chipper smile suddenly became a lot more heavy.

And for the first time in what felt like forever, she was uncertain.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>32
"Pommel"
'AJ'

32 exits AJ's office, fatigue and determination on his face as he walks down the corridor, muttering to himself.

>Maybe if I allow-no that cuts too far into the profits...maaaybe...no.

"Still trying to sell the Princess on your 'Hey have a go for 2.50' idea?"

>To use a proper analogy both sides have retreated to their corners for now. Mark me I will succeed at this.

"You're awful passionate about this idea of yours, huh?"

>Not so much the idea, I could go without getting punched out by some Ibexian Monk, but what the idea preserves. Princess Sparkle's research includes projects that stand to benefit changeling kind immensely. For it to be delayed could set us back catastrophically!

"And you're banking it all on the hope there are fighters egotistical enough to come running if you say you're the biggest badasses in the world? I mean, I don't know martial artists, even if a lot of then show up, it just seems a bit...small for what you need."

>Small...small...by Celestia's mom, Pommel, you're a genius!

32 grabs Pommel and kisses him between the eyebrows.

>I'm too busy trying to cut into things and downsizing them, I need to make it BIGGER!

32 runs off, a manic smile on his face.

"I...wuh?"

~~~Several Hours Later~~~

>Your majesty!

'Aw great, back for more, huh? Ah told ya once, ahm not signin' off on any deathmatches in Canterlot.'

>Your majesty, you wound me, I wouldn't come back in here if I didn't think my idea was sufficiently tweaked to benefit everyone.

'Alright, give it to me.'

>I admit, I've been selfish with the entirety of this, with almost the entirety of the proceedings going to the club, and it only being a limited engagement. I was thinking too small, far faaar too small, so I decided to go in the other direction.

'How's making an even bigger show of this going to convince me?'

>Because of the opportunities available. What I propose is not an ongoing exhibition but a one week long festival, open to the public and freely advertised to the world at large!

'A festival dedicated to a bloodsport?'

>Not a bloodsport, Princess, but the triumphant spirit and brotherhood unique to those in the field of the martial arts! We frame this correctly and Canterlot will get a bump in the tourism industry that's been hurting since well, my species' invasion, and with the spectators pouring in local shops and vendors would see a skyrocket in business.

'...are ya'll a rebel or a spokespony?'

>Both professions require the gift of the gab, so there's little difference.

'Ahm still not comfortable with this, there's a good chance someone could get killed and then all that business yer talkin' about goes right back down the toilet.'

>I'm willing to compromise on that, set up ground rules with the Gun Club to prevent such an occurrence from happening. You have my word that this WILL work.

'You're mighty confident about this.'

>I won't even blame Celestia.

'Okay, insanely confident about this. But let me be clear, this goes wrong at any point, ahm pullin' the plug, got it?'

>Of course, your majesty. Thank you for you support.

32 gets up, moving for the door.

'Lemme ask ya one question though.'

32 stops, turning his head back.

>Yes?

'What's in this for you?'

>The wonders of Twience, your majesty, the wonders of Twience.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

"Dotty Dear"
>Flash Sentry

In an innocent and well mannered garden

"Oh my, the rosebuds are blossoming again, oh how lovely, Ethel will want to hear about this, another little note for the little notebook."

Sounds of revving and splintering wood

"Good heavens, look at you young colt!"

>Uh...I didn't mean to break down the fence, I just wanted to find some-

"Oh dear oh dear, do be careful where you stand, those are Snapdragons! Heavens to Betsy, they're awfully rash this time of month"

>What are you on abo-AH! THAT ONE BIT ME! NO! STOP IT! AAARRRGGRGH!

More revving and vocalised frenzy

"Oh now that's quite the pruning method you have there, dear. Tell me, is that the Besset Curve Hook pruner you're using? I do keep telling him to buy them, he keeps cricking his feeble old spine but does he listen...oh of course not"

>DIE! DIE! DIEEEEAHAHAHHAHHAA....aahhaa....ah....uh... those weren't.. real dragons..were they?-

"Oh you poor dear, look at all that dirt on you, would you like to come inside and have some tea?

>NO! NO TEA-I mean...no thank you...ma'am. I wassss, just...asking for directions is all

"Well now, no-one should ever find themselves lost in Little Stirrupton. I'll happily tell you where to go from her-"

>Little Stirrupton. Located. Traingulating distance from Waypoint 1 Charlie Echo 227 clicks. Extrapolating data to Waypoint 2 Papa Victor 84 klicks from Primary

"-nd Mister Literator has oh so lovely maps to use, why, they even have little compasses swen into the corners, and then there's Fading Sta-"

>UNNECESARY VOCALISATIO- I mean, that won't be needed, ma'am, I think I know where to go now

"Oh won't you stay for tea-"

>No no, don't let me INTERRUPT PROGAMMIN- your time, don't let me interrupt your time, I'll just be off then

BLAM BLAM. The sound of loose bricks and mortar dust falling

>Goodbye

"Oh of course, I always forget to ask Cecil to fix that rotting wall, too much mould, thank you for remining me

>No matter! You won't even remember seeing me-

More revving, glass shattering as he exits through the front of the house

"Oh yes, I was due some new window panes by 4 o'clock, where in Equestria are they meant to be?, fucking zigger delivery ponies, never trust them to be punctual"
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>29
"MM"
~~~~

>...I know what you are going to say.

"Is it that I think you are going to die, and wish for your stuff?"

>I take that back. Was not within even the realm of mine imagination. I thought thou wished to see me take to the skies atop a self made and powerful derigible, not that I was but a gaggle of things for you to take.

"Eeesh, sorry for hurting your feelings. Though you did go back to the sexy-speak, so technically this is a win for me."

>How I wish our youth shared your love of the speak of class, and not instead used it for a cheap way to identify the villain. Alas.

"So, is this going to work?"

>No idea, but the poor filly always wished she could fly amidst the clouds on the heft of the fires.

"So, she wants to fly on a balloon."

>Indeed.

"...Can't use just rent one?"

>Too expensive, AWAY!

"...Well, seems to have worked just fine. Guess I was just being a big old worry wart- wait... does that weird flash cause any heat-"

*FOOOM!*

....

*CRASH!*

>EVERYTHING IS FIRE AND PAAAAIN!

"Huh. Guess so... what's the physics behind that? Does heaven light just automatically equal heat? That doesn't seem to make sense."

>AHHHHHHHHH!

"Might need to send a letter to Twilight on this one."

>PUT ME OUT ALREADY!

"Jeez, so needy. But when I want to talk about stubbing my hoof, I get no sympathy from-"

>AHHHHHHHH!

"Crybaby."
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>SA
"Cadence"
~~~~

>Honey! WHY!?

"The noodles?"

>THE NOODLES ARE ON THE CEILING! ALIVE!... Wait, a minute... POINDEXTER! OH SHIT! I'll get you down buddy, hold on!

*SCREEECH!*

>BACK TO HELL FROM WHENCE YOU CAME!

"Want to know the really weird part?"

>My high-school friend is currently almost being consumed by a RAMPAGING NOODLE MONSTER, how could this get ANY weirder!?

"I didn't cook that, I ordered take-out."

>...Huh, that is strange.

*MNNMMMH!*

>OH SHIT RIGHT! I'M COMING BUDDY!

"Well, now I'm glad I forgot to give a tip."

>TO WAAAAAAARRR!
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