Intro.

I don't know how to write this thing. I don't know if I should be quick and succinct, if I should go in as much detail as I possibly can, or if I shouldn't say anything at all. I mean, historically, when people leave this server, they don't say anything. They just click a button, and they're gone. Their name turns to white, their nickname is scrubbed, and you're left with the indicator of a person that had been there previously, but was now absent.

Okay, since I said that, let's get it out of the way first. Yeah, I'm leaving this server.

Does this mean that I'm going to stop producing content? No. Does this mean that I hate all of you? No. Does this mean that I'm going to stop talking to all of you? Those of you that aren't in other servers, I guess. I'm committed (as committed as I reasonably can be given the circumstances) to telling the story I want to tell. That's not going to change any time soon, barring some severe event that I won't be able to prepare for, or something. No matter the status of its canonicity, no matter who's paying attention - I'm going to keep going. But if I'm still willing to tell a DTG-centric story, then why am I leaving this server?

Put simply, I don't think DTG is for me anymore. I don't think DTG has been for me for a long time. I think I've warped and twisted what DTG is for me into its own little corner and played in it like a kid in a sandbox, isolating everything else out. And I'm quite happy to remain the only kid (or at least, one of the only kids) playing in that sandbox, but it's the park outside of the sandbox itself that I feel fundamentally disconnected from. Over two months ago, one of my greatest and oldest friends left this community entirely. Nearly three months ago, I stepped down from a position of staff. Over half a year ago, the reigning main game was cancelled, and its creator fled the server after months upon months of arguments, shouting, insults, drama, poor planning, mistakes, and pointless meandering bullshit. Over a year ago, I stopped posting in DTG games. Over two years ago, I laid the foundations for what would become Meanwhile, In The Future, beginning the process that would divorce me from DTG's current affairs permanently.

This has been a long time coming, as you can see. I've struggled for a long time with feeling out of place in this community. Obviously everyone's praise at my projects and all that gave me a place in the eyes of the community, but it always felt, to me, that I was orphaned from virtually everything else in DTG. I could never be a part of anything other than what I was currently doing. I never had time, energy, or motivation for anything else. Often, I didn't have time, energy, or motivation for my own stuff. I feel awful for that, and I still do.

But that isn't to say that I'd forsaken the community entirely. It was the opposite, at least in my mind - I wanted to bring everyone together to do something impossible. I wanted to recapture the spark that led to the fire that burned throughout the glory days. I continually sought to recapture the magic of, yeah, Destroy the Godmodder 2. I wrote it all for me, yes: I wanted to tell the story I wanted to tell. (My burden was heavy in so many ways.) But I was writing for everyone, too: anyone who would possibly enjoy it, anyone who would participate, anyone who would come along with me on my journey.

And yet, the further and further we stray from the past, the harder it is to light that fire. I can tell now. For a long, long, time, I never gave up hope when it came to "saving DTG." I recognized that there were problems, yeah. Canon was cluttered, DTG0 was mass-producing mistakes by the dozens, Chaos was bending towards, well, chaos, et cetera, ad nauseam, ad infinitum. But I always remained adamant that it could be saved, even when people were breathing down my neck and at all sides of me saying that it couldn't. Yeah, I personally wrote the letter last winter saying DTG was dying. Yeah, I was at the helm of several summits. I was right there in the thick of it with everyone else. ...Wasn't I?

I've struggled for a long time with feeling out of place in this community. This has been a long time coming.

As time went on, I started spending more time in other servers. Right at the cusp of this Discord's foundation, I was the god (though not the pope) of the Cipherhunt. Two Septembers ago I joined the Cool and New Music Team. At the start of last year, I joined the unofficialmspafans. Now I'm in even more music teams, and in even more personal servers of various communities. If I'm a tree, then my roots have gone farther and farther than they ever had before. And the more time I spend in other places, then the less time I spend here. I try to keep things equal. I try to work on DTG when I can, and other things when I can, too. But it's hard.

Often, I don't have time, energy, or motivation for my own stuff. I feel awful for that, and I still do.

I feel like, as a member of staff, I didn't act when I should have. I can't shake the inescapable feeling, brought upon close contact with people like Erelye, that my relative neutrality when it came to Tazz was a mistake. That I should have acted sooner, and more severely. But I'm not a confrontational person. I don't typically like to get into arguments. I don't like to alienate people who I feel are friends.

I considered Tazz my friend, despite what he did. But other people considered him almost inhuman, and other people didn't seem willing to look past his flaws. So I was eternally divided on what to do until last summer, when my continued indecisiveness and neutrality cost me another friendship. I considered Erelye my friend. Despite what he did. Despite his detachment from the community, and despite his holier-than-thou persona, and despite everything else you may have heard. But he wanted me to die in a pit of magma for my refusal to act on Tazz. So I took a stance, and I pushed it, and Tazz left. And Erelye left. And Generic left. And Consumer left. And Trickle left.

And at this point I have to ask. Why all this? Why are politics so deified? Our current government rests on the foundations of a delusional archmage who wanted to turn a community about a forum game into a country about an ideology. Why are we so serious? The very first attack in the game was someone farting on the Godmodder. The "last" attack of my game was a two-post rant that broke existence in half dozens of times over and had its creator threatening to cry if it didn't work. The end of Tazz's game was brought upon by cataclysm after cataclysm. Two alpha timelines, Roxxanne and the Black, the AGP, Curses, Chara, field wipes, Omega Flowey, PACTs, Sans, Yuuki. Nothing ever seemed to work. Everything had to be discussed, and debated, and put to death, and everyone kept arguing, all the time, constantly. Both sides of each issue turned situations into convoluted monoliths that became grievous personal problems. And that still goes on today. That's never stopped. Yes, I take my share of the responsibility for serial escalation. But when the plot gets bigger, why does our tendency to argue have to, too?

What happened on New Year's Eve is the straw that broke the camel's back. I was staring at everything going on. Consumer's own speech about his own gripes, which quickly metastasized into a discussion about Trickle. And the discussion turned into an argument. And the argument turned into talks of impeachment. And the talks of impeachment turned into a middle finger, an egress, and a doxx. And it was while I was looking at the metaphorical snowball rolling down the hill that I realized the problem about this server. The problem about this community, the problem about everything.

It's not going to get better.

I keep thinking that I can return to the age I once knew - that I can return to DTG2. But DTG2 is gone. It's been done for two years, and I'm making its corpse talk. I keep thinking that I can reunite the community. But as the DTG2 I once knew is gone, so is its community. What I want from DTG and what DTG is are two completely separate entities. And I don't think anything I can do can change that fact. For months upon months, we've discussed and plotted ways to improve the community. To fix things. To solve problems. Yet in the shadows, people were breathing down my neck and at all sides of me saying that it couldn't be fixed. And now, after what I've seen, I believe them.

The DTG I want and the DTG I knew is not the DTG that exists.
The community I want and the community I knew is not the community that exists.
The server I want and the server I knew is not the server that exists.

I don't think DTG is for me anymore. I don't think DTG has been for me for a long time.

The worst part - potentially, I feel, at least - is that I've found myself not caring more and more often. I find myself unwilling to deal with a lot of the interconnected idiocy that goes on in this community. I find myself unwilling to put the time and energy into it that I may have in years past. Which is, of course, a big reason as to why I stepped down from staff. Aiding in the governance of the server had become much more of a chore and an obligation by the end of Consumer's term than it had been when I'd been one of the first staff members in Soup's. If it meant not having to deal with any more drama, I was happy to leave.

So I left. And now, I'm leaving again - for much of the same reason. What happened on New Year's Eve was an epiphany. The point that had been repeatedly attempted to be nailed into my concrete-esque skull had finally broken through. I'm aware that me leaving is probably going to send a serious message throughout the community. But try not to let it affect your endeavors much. Do what you want to do.

One last thing: on New Years' Eve, I contacted Pope asking to have my access to every channel bar #info, #rules, #announcements, and the Arcade Bunker revoked. That was because I wanted to leave the server, but I still needed things from it - specifically, information on Ends of the Earth and the Pinary ARG. That's why I've been in a weird sort of "only visible when you look at the right channels" state. I know some people found this out already, but I feel like saying it up front.

That's all I want to say, I guess. I'm sure there are even more things that I could put, but I've just forgotten about them. I have a stupid tendency to do that - spend weeks and weeks stewing internally about everything I disagree with, but when the time comes to actually say them, my mind just goes blank. So, sorry about that. But I think you get the gist.

Thank you to everyone here for being a part of this community. I hope that each and every one of you here, and everyone that's been a part of this series at all, the dozens and maybe hundreds and maybe even thousands of people that can't read these words but are here in spirit, hovering over our shoulders, have positive memories of this series. I know I do. If you want to keep talking to me - if you want to see more of me - you know where to find me.

See you next time.