dev 9 - close your eyes

"Well..." She began.

"I have conversed with the Archdruid on the outskirts of Osrona - me and Actaeon spoke with him. There were whispers I'd heard from other Druids about things the Witches were doing which had stuck in my head for the longest time. And, when Cairn inexplicably appeared before us upon return from a patrol, we conversed and then he left. That's more or less as much contact that we've had." She explains, folding an arm atop the other as she's apparently already grown out every seed he'd sown.

"Well, I'm just going to assume it was also Cameo who I defeated when he was trying to intercept myself from killing Cornelia." She was shocked that Elijah lost to Cameo... If it was Cameo that she fought and so easily downed, it was a shock that the Radiant had fallen to the corrupt nature magi.

Perhaps Elijah let himself go with all that time he spends with Sina or something...

"Mn… It would either mean she's stupid or confident she could defeat you if she believes things were to turn sour." Which was very unlikely, she had her doubts Melora could defeat Nerin.

"And, well, I believe it was Cameo at least. His vines were just like Cornelia's and Cairn's. Twisted and darkened blue - with the same style of Earth magic I saw Cameo use against Sophie." She notes to herself, more so than Nerin.

Unless there was another adept user of nature, outside of the Druids.

"When do you plan for this 'ambush' of sorts to take place?"
(Holly Hargrave)

So she did meet the Archdruid after all.

Except not under circumstances that he could potentially expect. It actually felt more like a brief interaction more than anything.. one that didn't really result in anything.

"Figures. He likes to talk a lot about the faults of Osrona and things like that, often failing to understand the presence of Occult among their people."

Which is fairly odd to him. Weren't druids meant to loathe those?

"And.. no, Melora isn't able to defeat me. At least, the last time we've fought, I was able to take her down. That being said, the way that she fights does bring out a lot of annoyance against me, mostly because I have to get close."

"Unfortunately for me, she specializes in running away and keeping distance."

This implied that he wasn't necessarily the most effective type of magi against her, but still, he was able to handle her, so that's fine.

"The ambush will likely take place sometime next year."

"She's been in hiding. Ever since I met her on the battlefield and beat her, and got Yuri killed after crippling her once more, I feel like she avoids me."

"She never goes out anymore, never showed any sign of her presence, nothing. If anything.. I'd bet that she's terrified for her life, or wants nothing to do with outside anymore."

All of this just shows that the traitorous noble might as well be broken deep on the inside, that her psyche could no longer handle this, and yet..

"That's not enough for me, however."

"I don't feel she truly regrets getting my brother killed, or doing all that she's done- no, not at all."

"She's not sorry she did all of that."
"She's just sorry that she's facing consequences."
(Nerin)

"I actually mad him admit to faults of Moonfall, rather than Osrona. It was the only time I'd ever seen emotion bleed out upon his countenance. The only time." She reiterates.

"That conversation was enlightening, as it confirmed things I'd already known and believed about the Druids' relationship with the Witches..."

Another sigh pushed forth.

"Specializes in running away and keeping her distance, hm?" She hummed, that was quite a familiar-sounding skillset to the nature magi. She couldn't quite recall Melora's actual capabilities, but the method in which she utilised said spells sounded like Holly's method of fighting in suppressing her opponents until they can breathe no more. See no more. Move no more.

"Mn… It has been years since I've directly seen her, she's certainly holed herself up firmly." She arched a brow somewhat, Yuri had passed on already? She wasn't aware of that, but it's accepted as good news either way.

Why would she complain about he death of a beast-kin who tried to murder her twin? No, no empathy was there for her.

"Well, repercussions are something she should have considered before hand."

She never would have expected that once overweight and generally friendly girl to have allowed herself to devolve into this.

"Right..." There wasn't too much else she could say or do on this topic - other than wait for the time.

"And what of your own combative progress? Have you attained something different from our last bout?"
(Holly Hargrave)

It was hardly convincing that any of them saw such faults. Perhaps Nerin has grown to be far too bitter, far too jaded in such matter, but.. he doesn't see the light in these people. He doesn't see how they could be excused, when they host all of the people that had hurt him in the past or ruined his family.

How Syndicate took Zus from him.
How witches took Jasper from him.
How denizens of Moonfall took Actaeon from him.

It's almost as if each time he could try and see their point of view.. they would only dare to take more and more from him, until he had no more left to give- until there's nothing but want to just see them destroyed already. It's a quaint feeling, one that he hoped that he would never feel, but..

Here they are.

"She seems to be hiding now, so.. I'm mostly busy with other things while I'm setting up this ambush."

Though, there's something else..

"..Well."

"I did, but at the same time, I haven't." A pause, and he explains further. "I've learned to tap into local Resonance and draw out even more strength, even amidst fatigue and wounds, but.."

"I'm failing with this technique that Id has been using- one that revolves around self-control, accuracy and precision."

A small sigh. If anything, he could actually guess why exactly it seems to be that way..

"..I suppose lately I've been lacking in self-control and restrain."

"I just.. can't get my mind off from having to constantly chase after those that wronged me. It's become even difficult to enjoy anything else surrounds me."

"And quite frankly, it's.. bad."
(Nerin)

"Ah, Id?" She was far from aware that Id was capable of special feats, since she was very much absent as of recent years. Perhaps she'd decided to retreat to being domestic for Robin? One could only wonder without explicit answers, nevertheless, she wondered just how much stronger Nerin would have grown with this mastered...

He was an ally, a comrade - mayhaps a friend in the foreseeable future.

So, she'd lend what expertise she had on the matter.

"Self-control, accuracy, precision, restraint, clouded thoughts which brew internal conflict and all-consuming vengefulness." She repeats, with a little twist and some of his words to insert her own understanding.

She slowly nodded, a dull hum followed.

"I see..."

She rose from the patch of mana-imbued grass which lingered beneath her.

"Perhaps I can follow up on that meditation session I offered once upon a time." She states.

"Those are all things mindfulness can, and will, help you achieve if you put the work into it and pour dedication into it, above most other things. Meditation does not work without your undivided effort and attention." She explains, gesturing to herself. "Outside of nature, I would say meditation is a joint specialization for me."

"Would you want to try this? I even taught myself the basis of the illusory arts via meditation as well. I could try to guide you to bringing out whatever this power is."
(Holly Hargrave)

The entirety of his life he was a hound.

One that either had to carry his family on his back, and drag them along away from any troubles or woes, or one that would focus too much on chasing down those that had wronged him; and in that end, he believes that he might've lost himself.

Because it's difficult to enjoy anything else.
It's difficult to not see phantoms of the past.

It's difficult.. so much so that each time he walks into his old home, each time that he sees the places where all of them used to gather- both his brothers and his friends- all he can see are the faces that he would no longer be able to see anywhere else at all.

He sees them gathered at the table, laughing, talking..
And that echo never died.

Maybe the part of him has already been torn away- for while there's nothing wrong with him physically by the looks of it, the cheerful, hopeful and dreamy Nerin from the years of childhood had long since died. But isn't that what Marisol told him? Isn't that what she begged him for?

For him to stop and stay away from the path of vengeance that leads nowhere, and find himself once more.

"I don't have anything to lose by agreeing to this. I don't see why not."

"I'm not sure what to do about it, so I suppose you'd have to guide me through." A pause, after which he adds.

"Otherwise, I'd like to."
(Nerin)

"That's good... Agreeing is a step in itself. Meditation has come as a form of stability for me. There's quiet a lot I've been through which most aren't aware of - I very nearly lost my smile for good."

"I very nearly let that light simmer out and lose myself to a gross darkness - but, control of the mind is just as important, if not, more, than control of the body. I kept a hold of myself, I let positivity return to my heart - if I hadn't, I don't know what would have become of my bond with Mother Nature and the sprits."

A faint smile, somehow laden with traces of sadness held to her visage.

"I wish I could have saved my first student with it, but they let themselves vanish and not even their family knows their whereabouts anymore. Maybe I failed to keep watch over them, to notice the signs of a declining mental state..." She shook her head lightly, motioning for Nerin to follow her.

"Come... We'll head to my favorite spot for meditation."

After giving such instruction, she'd head for the exit if he followed.

"There is nothing one can lose through meditation, only gain. Whether it's mental fortitude, your sanity, understanding, strength... It's powerful." She adds.
(Holly Hargrave)

The world can wait.

The vain pursuit of vengeance can wait.. for the one that killed his brother has been already killed too- and Yuri has already fallen. As much as there's more, for Melora and Cameo still breathe.. he imagines that the more he allows this to eat away at him, the more he would lose himself in the endeavor such as this.

Everyone already knows of the cruelty he's capable of. For he terrified many when he ripped away Yuri's arm amidst the rage and bloodshed, if only to throw it back at Melora- they already know of the payback and crimson haze that he's capable of bringing about.

Maybe this time, it's better they know different..
Maybe it's better they'd know he can be something else.

"I was warned against this."

"But I feel like I was far too caught up in this pursuit to notice. I'd just.. keep fighting, and fighting, and fighting.." Until he didn't remember who he is.. until he didn't remember what he wanted with his life anymore.

"But I don't want to just fight. I don't want to shed blood daily and die before I could grow any older."

Because he had a reason to live. A reason being found in the new family that he had- in the pleas of another that begged him not to lose himself to this, but.. to an extent, it was too late.

It wasn't too late to walk back, however.

"Lead the way. I'll follow."

A steady step, and already he's walking after the woman.
(Nerin)

Boar: Grr... rrr!

Holly Hargrave picks up Sinka.

"I understand how hard it can be to escape from your own mind and the thoughts which plague such. For control to no longer be something you have. You need to be honest with yourself, like you are right now. The more you hold within, the more it will weigh upon your chest - upon your life, mind, and heart. Even if it may evoke tears and unsightliness, you cannot clear what you won't acknowledge and bring forth to be worked upon."

The advice seemed to flow from the woman as she guides Nerin beyond Osrona, to the south, past Moonfall - with caution - and looping around to the west... There it was. A meadow laid out in a manner far-too-symmetrical. It was a miracle of nature, truly. Perhaps past civilizations even.

Fireflies illuminate the night with dull tones of viridescence.

"Come, take a seat. I always find it so easy to just... Lose myself in the embrace of the wilderness. It's like nothing else. Just peacefulness. Focus on anything except yourself, in order to gain that outside view." For Holly, that was nature.

Meditation was like breathing to her. Closing her eyes and allowing the sounds of the flowing river behind her to act as a metronome of sorts to sway her further out of her own mind. Unintentionally, roots and vines alike emerge - tethering her to the earth, as though she'd returned to where she belonged.

It was certainly an odd thing to watch unless he'd already closed his eyes.

The only reason they'd come this far was for an absence of distraction. And the beauty of the area, many things had happened here for here. She, too, was using this as an opportunity to delve out of her body and perhaps learn from the spirits in the process of aiding Nerin.

A deep expiration of air empties Holly's lungs before flowing back in. She needed to relax before clearing of the mind could even take place.

"If I recall correctly, the art of bone manipulation similarly requires some sort of attunement with the earth... Perhaps you can use this as a chance to ground yourself. To tether your mind to the sturdy land you might've lost contact with over time... Questions?" She'd first focus on seeing whether or not Nerin could actually loosen himself from his thoughts and reach any level of meditative state for this to even work.

Perhaps her words were what he'd been missing.
(Holly Hargrave)

"Quite. I haven't been able to distance myself from constant pursuit of revenge, even if Yuri is already dead. I keep.. wanting Melora and Cameo dead as well."

"And the rest of Occultists punished."

Almost as if he's unable to lose his grip on them. Almost as if this has become the prevalent position in his life.. and in many ways, it has become exactly that. For while he may try to focus on different things altogether, he cannot- and while he may try to enjoy different things in life.. he finds himself lost, time and time again.

Can't he feel it?
The respite and serenity brought by the meadows.

Illumination of fireflies and the silver glory of the Moon above. Here, he finds himself easing carefully nearby to Holly, and while she seems to be terribly immersed within the Nature, almost as if she's able to become one with it.. he doesn't necessarily seem surprised or perplexed by it- for it was already something that he had come to expect from her.

Yet..
The silence.

To shut himself out from the distractions that surrounded him and distractions that otherwise lingered, both from outside and within.. it was enough to produce the necessary focus, one in which his eyes steadily close, even if for a brief moment. Here, he steadily exhales, if only to inhale again.

Inhale..
Exhale..

"..It does, yes."

"I've.. learned to bask in the Resonance of local atmosphere too, and draw in from the mood that it brings about. Up until now, I only tapped into Resonance of violence or fortitude, but never something.." Something calm.. something so peaceful.

"Something like this place."

But it's not as easy as he thinks it might be, is it? If anything..

"How exactly do you go about the process?"
(Nerin)

"For me, meditation came in the form of accepting the earth as an extension of myself to feel... I surrounded myself with the most peaceful landscapes of Aegis to immerse my mind within - somewhere only serenity and stillness can be felt and perceived, like this meadow." She explains.

"The atmosphere is the easy part... I've even grown to be able to induce my own meditative aura." Evident with the constant, overbearing sensation of warmth and vitality that the woman carried with her person at all times. Perhaps even more notable with Nerin aiming to expand his awareness of said surroundings.

"What you truly need to work on is ridding your mind of those issues to bring in peace, so both may dwell within you - not just turmoil and vengeance. Just let your mind wander elsewhere, if you truly wish to clear it of all internal distractions. Whatever preoccupies you from you, without consuming you in negativity, focus on that." She spoke.

"Whether it be your surroundings, like here. Or the loved ones you want to achieve a better state for."

"Let your mind know that those thoughts on those who've wronged you have no place at the forefront. Pay no attention to them and focus on what can actually bring any form of peace or happiness." She explains.

"Bask in the 'Resonance' of this landscape to lose yourself. The violence of a battlefield is absent from this place. Focus on that even."

She gave him all the time he needed to reach a deeper state, or ask more questions.

"As for self control, precision, accuracy... If you've found yourself comfortable. If you can 'present', yet 'absent', you're on the right track. It sounds more confusing than it is, but you'll know when you feel it. The next stage is... Visualization."

"Envision the change you want, or envision the control and power you want over whatever it may be. Over this 'Resonance'. Over your own mind. See yourself in full control, take in that feeling of no longer being clung to by ghosts of the past. Take in that feeling of being able to feel a smile even."

She paused there, letting him proceed like herself.
(Holly Hargrave)

To free himself of what occupies his mind.

He imagines there would be a time in which he dreamt of so many different things.. of so many hopes and aspirations that could bring him far. Yet, each time he remembers such memories, each time that he dwells and reflects on his past actions and decisions.. it is something that he finds himself questioning time and time again.

It's rather futile to doubt yourself, is it not?
After all, he cannot rewind time..

And he most certainly cannot undo the decisions of the past, or what has happened to him or his loved ones. Here, he finds himself steadily immersed in the calm Resonance of his immediate surroundings, a tingle upon his skin that almost feels like a soothing, warm presence.. on that feels like a steady cloak wrapping around his shoulders.

One to steadily replace the sorrows and woes..
One to wrap him whole.

It'sfollowed by a steady exhale while he listens in to the words spoken by Holly. Where his eyes remain closed throughout the ordeal, one in which he remembers it all, and.. tries to let go. It's not easy, but.. it still brings about a single thought.

"Odd.. I never appreciated these small moments so much."
"I didn't know that at some point they'd become only memories."

The echoes of the past were stronger, but.. he didn't wish to heed their call, not anymore. For where he finds himself basking in the Resonance of the peace, of the calm that belongs to the forests all around them.. he can't help but steadily frown, even if slightly.

"..What did you personally want when you meditated like this?"

A sudden question. Even now, he envisions that he would want to be better for the ones that he's lost.. that he would live on for them, so that the legacy could continue no matter what. So that it wouldn't die out..

"I feel as if.."

"As if a lot of me was robbed during these years. As if too much time was lost chasing those that wronged me, but I should've focused on myself a bit more."

Or at least, it felt that way. Even now, he knows that the worth of the likes of Cameo and Melora have been steadily waning..

"How did you do it?"
(Nerin)

It was a two-way situation in which both individuals had to listen and understand the other.

Holly remained as patient as she'd always been, she heeds those murmurings from the man, which evidently seemed to point towards the fact that the situation just might be gradually working. That he may be drifting deeper - that realizations were starting to flow through and that he could bring peace in.

"Myself?" She questions, a slight frown of her own - she'd grown to have those memories by the forefront of her mind less and less often.

"I've had to do this quite a few times... Be it to further my capabilities as a magi, or to keep my sanity and emotions in check. To keep things which were once overwhelming from consuming me." She began.

"So many times..." She uttered.

"When the first love of my life betrayed me and broke my trust as a result of things my own sister did... When Jasper died on our mission, I still think I could have done more - I should have... When Actaeon left me a note, passing his belongings onto me - I should've searched Aegis for him, but word of his death came the next day... When--" She paused, she hoped he could understand enough from that.

"I've even done this to learn to forgive myself... I think it would be beneficial if you did that too. I do it by first distancing myself from my mind... And then breaking down every event from a third-person perspective. I understand it all much better... With understanding, there's less strain on the heart and mind to gradually push the cause of those thoughts, be it sadness or vengeance. I visualize myself growing stronger from everything that's broke me down. I'm still standing, I'm still alive. I'm still loved, if not by a person, then the spirits and nature."

"It helps understand that therapy is healing, meditation is healing you provide yourself with. You're focusing on yourself now. Look through those memories - who you used to be, how you used to act - what you want to be. Envision and believe you're still that same person. You've been through much, but you can't let it steal your soul."
(Holly Hargrave)

'You have to forgive yourself.'

It's not uncommon, but he often finds himself blaming himself for all that happened, for all that he didn't prevent, for all that he could've stopped before it could occur.. for losing so much doesn't come easy, and in the past, he already felt as if this could be his fault.

Inhale..
Exhale..

He remembers of the time when he held bleeding out Zus in his arms. He remembers of the time in which he failed to chase off the Syndicate members in time.. one in which he could not assist his brother right. After that night, everything seemed to head downhill with his brother.. with how he was doing.

Of the day when Jasper headed towards that mission. He promised that he would stick by Jasper's side no matter what, and that they would be dealing with all of the threats together, and yet.. he ventured out like this, if only to perish on something that was supposed to be safe. If only he was there..

And the tale of Actaeon. Of unrequited love from Remei, of the struggles that he didn't know his brother had- for he could never perceive enough, and in the time of need, he wasn't entirely there, even if they all shared so much. Even if all of them were so important for his life.

But what they would really want?
What would they want from Nerin, still living, breathing one?

"...They'd want me to live on. Enjoy my life to the fullest. Perhaps, have a family.. accomplish great things in my life and never look back." He promised to live as a man with no regrets. At times, it was difficult to uphold that creed- at times, it was all too tempting to look back and ponder..

What went wrong?

"I.. think I understand."

"I've done all I could." And it's okay to not be able to do everything. "At times, it was out of my control." Fate isn't always something you can control. "In the end.. they wouldn't want me to lose myself to this vengeance. They wouldn't want me to focus my life on that, when I have remaining family to uphold and things to do." They wouldn't want him to be lost.

His eyes steadily open, but.. for the time being he remains silent, his expression somewhat pensive, yet not necessarily.. lacking, stressed, almost as if it was before- if anything, it's almost like a steady step - one that could allow him to move on.

"Is.. this what you meant?"
(Nerin)

She nodded at parts, "They would want you to do that, yes. And you, too, should want that for yourself. Now that you feel your understanding grow, you should know to not only tether your actions to the wants of others, but of your wants for yourself. And I know you want to change for the better, otherwise you would not have accepted my offer to come here."

"No one is omnipotent. No one is omniscient." She spoke in agreement.

"And, like before... You shouldn't want yourself to be in vengeance, you shouldn't want yourself to devolve into only a tool, crafted to spill the blood of those who've harmed you."

Holly's eyes remained closed, though there was a dull glow against her eyelids, she could tell he'd opened his own eyes somehow - and that was fine. Perhaps he was taking on mental fatigue, or perhaps there was a whole life's worth of meditation to work through which he'd never done before. Regardless, she could tell there was progress.

"It is partially what I meant." She spoke.

"You're understanding better than I'd hoped, this is good..."

A nod followed.

"The final step is the most tedious..."

"Whatever you've visualized, aim to actualize that. Put it into practice. If those thoughts trickle into the forefront of your mind? Pay them no attention, it happens. Don't give them enough rope to linger on like they've done to you now. If you see yourself as how you used to be, aim to recover that state of mind, let that fire burn once more. Self control too."

"Whatever it is you want for yourself, and envisioned for yourself - the final step is to put it out of mind and into action."

"If you'd like, we can have continual sessions, later on, repeating these three steps for various issues and areas."
(Holly Hargrave)

Visualize what you wanted.

To answer that, it is something in which he would need to delve deep into his own core; one in which he would need to remember the things he's said to himself years ago- the things that he promised to himself that would be achieved, the things that he kept dreaming about.. but never got to do so, if only because he was far too focused on other matters.

He was far too focused on vengeance and on others..
And that consumed him.

Instead.. he remembers a dream- one to provide betterment to Osrona as a whole, to let his name get in history as someone who's made an immense progress within a peculiar field, one who had invented something entirely new - something unheard of, a unique skill like no other. In fact..

He remembers getting close to attain it. And at times, he isn't entirely sure just how far he could fall along this trap, one in which he would forget just about everything he dreamed of.. everything that he aspired for and promised himself. It's not good to do that, is it?

"..I dreamed to make a change in medical field." It is uttered as naught but a silent mutter, and steadily his eyes close again. It's not easy to immerse himself into such memories, yet he realizes one thing.

When such moments became only memories..
It means he truly missed out on a lot.

"I wanted to learn how to work with circuitry in a way that would allow wondrous things. I wanted to be famous for that, and maybe have my name recorded in history.. and I also wanted to uplift my family, using that fame and wealth."

"I had a dream of using that status to uplift Osrona too. So perhaps, Sudbury would no longer be 'slums'.. and perhaps, the children that wander the streets- just like I once did- wouldn't scatter around aimlessly with nogoal."

"To give people a purpose. Something to work for."

A purpose in their life. As selfish as it is to attain such status.. it is also selfless in its goal, for it would eventually extend onto others. Yet, all of this brilliance, all of this aspiration.. it vanished amidst the desire for vengeance.

It drowned each time he'd sink in blood..
Deeper and deeper.

"I think I know what I want to do now.."

"I never finished doing any of this. Back then, I was younger and had less clue, but.. now I could put this experience to better."

"Something much, much better."
(Nerin)

What better way to progress than to assist him along the way with this? However, she completely lacked any scientific knowledge of surgical procedures, medications, and so on... Everything she relied upon came from the earth directly. Its bounty was endless.

"That sounds like a strong goal to set yourself back on track for again... It's interesting, even. I'd like to assist with that, though you'd have to teach me everything you know about being an 'actual' medic. All of my healing comes from the earth itself - like you've seen me do."

But, at times, healing through those means was no enough. Not at all.

"I like where you're deciding to direct your energy towards. There are so many things one could theorize, but never actually have the means to put into action. I doubt many could believe someone capable of working their circuits to expedite the growth of crops."

Like she did.

Her eyes finally open. A nod is given before those illuminate irises would dim back to normal. She seems glad, maybe even proud, that she'd gotten this out of Nerin and perhaps switched those mental train tracks from a path of self destruction to self recovery.

"I'm sure nature, energy and bone magic could work together in the medical field." After all, she was evidently a powerful magi of the life magic - and the fact he could generate the things he could might be another indicator towards the compatibility.

If enough work was put in, that is.

"How do you feel now?"
(Holly Hargrave)

It's better to be this way. It's better to actually direct yourself somewhere.. and actually dream of something, of accomplishing something that could ensure he'll be able to get over whatever self-destructive feeling that could linger on his heart and mind alike.

'I don't want to be lost anymore.'

Such thought was often prevalent in his mind as of late, perhaps among the biggest things that have led him to seek out a different path- the path that would lead him to something greater instead of something horrible. Something that could ensure he'll live on.. and carry on the legacy set out to him by his family.

By those he cherished.

"It is."

"But.. it is no simple medical expertise. In a sense, it is tweaking and direct work with mana circuits, but ah.. it's a rather complicated process I could explain." Provided she's even interested, but that's a different topic.

"I don't mind teaching the medicine otherwise."

At last, his eyes open once more- this time, no longer seeming pensive, but.. instead, his expression wears a smile, even if it's a tiny one; he turns to look towards Holly, speaking out.

"We could work together yes." A pause. How does he feel?

"I feel.. better. Refreshed. Free." The feelings that he's not felt for so, so many years.. "Before, it felt like a chain wrapped around me. Something that keeps weighing me down, and no matter how much might I muster, it always hangs." And in a sense, he'd eventually become the hanged man.. far too caught up in the issues.

Far, far too lost.. but he didn't fall to that. At last, he was setting out for a different path.

"Thank you for this."
(Nerin)