Tusktaker's Secret Part 21

	Thomas sighed as he closed his copy of the Martian Chronicles. Another day, another boring lunch period. A couple of guys had invited him to hang out and try out some kind of new fighter on their handhelds but honestly, he didn’t want to deal with any right now. So here he was. Alone. In an unused classroom. Flipping through a book he’d read a dozen times.

Thomas found his thoughts drifting to Lorka and her friends. He missed playing games with Rakka, swapping bio notes with Loni…hell he even kind of missed Nerada. She could be a huge pain in the ass, but at least she was honest. And while he missed spending times with the rests of the orcs, he missed Lorka the most. He missed way she’d laugh at his stories. They way she’d banter with him over her taste in books. They way she’d press her body into him when no one else was looking. The way she…

“I want her back” he said quietly. Not like there was anyone to hear him. But there wasn’t anything he could do about that was there? He’d completely shut himself out of her life. There was no way she’d want him back…right?

Thomas was so lost in thought he didn’t notice the sound of footsteps coming from the hallway.Someone slammed opened the classroom door with such force that he almost fell out of his chair. A green snarling blur dashed from the doorway, grabbing him by the front of his shirt. He didn’t even have time to react before it pinned him to the wall.

“You little shit! This is where you’ve been hiding all this time!” A familiar voice growled.
Oh God, not Nerada. Not today. What the hell could she possibly want?
Thomas tried to play it cool as the snarling orcess bared her teeth. “Uh Hey Nerada, you’re looking well.” Fucking smooth.

“Shut it! I’m here for one reason and one reason only, and that’s to make your dumbass realize how bad you fucked up!”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“Oh, I don’t know? Maybe the part where you broke up with my best friend and now she’s absolutely miserable.  But you know what the best part is? She pretends that she isn’t. You ask Lorka how she’s doin’, she says ‘Fantastic! Couldn’t be better!’ Except for the fact that I’ve caught her crying a couple times when she thought no one else was around.”

Thomas felt like some had jabbed a dagger into his heart. Lorka was still crying over him?

Nerada let out an annoyed sigh as she saw the confused look on his face. “You know, for someone so smart, you sure are an idiot. Did you really think breaking up with her was going to fix all her problems?”

“I did what I had to do! “ Thomas yelled.

“No you didn’t! You made everything worse! Lorka doesn’t read or talk about nerdy shit anymore. She told me she got rid of all her books. Oh, and remember how she wanted to go to college? Well guess what, now she wants to join the clan head’s hunt party. Y’know, the one with the highest injury rate out of any other group. And then there’s her dad. Oh sure, she claims everything’s all right. But don’t worry you ‘fixed’ everything!” She spat.

Wait, Lorka gave up on college? She threw out all her books? And she was still having problems with her dad? What the hell, Lorka promised him she’d go to college!

“Nerada, that wasn’t what I wanted at all! Jor’ak hated me, he was making Lorka miserable. If I stayed with her, it would have just made the situation worse.”

“Bullshit!” Nerada exclaimed as she shoved Thomas against the wall. “You did it because you’re a fucking coward. You know why I didn’t like you until you started dating Lorka? Because you’d always sit by yourself and act all cool and aloof when the truth is, you’re just a huge pussy. You don’t want people to leave you alone, you’re just too afraid to deal with others. I thought you were getting better, and then the minute things started getting tough with Lorka, you just split!”

Thomas slapped her across the face, leaving a dark green handprint on her skin.
“Fuck you, Nerada! You don’t know anything about me! Do you know how much it hurt breaking up with Lorka? It was fucking terrible!  I love Lorka! You think it was easy to stop being her Aru’ka!?”

Nerada’s eyes went wide from shock as she traced the mark on her face.  Then all at once, her lips turned up in a toothy grin. “Finally! I was wondering when you were going to start acting like a real man.”

Thomas’s anger turned to confusion as the orcess let go of him. He didn’t really know what to make of this situation. “Nerada, why are you doing all of this?”

 The orcess rolled her eyes, “I thought you dumb-asses would have gotten back together by now. But oh no, you both just spend all your time moping and running away from your problems.”

Thomas looked surprised, “After you said all that?”

She sighed. “You fucking moron. You’ve spent the last couple months dating an orc, and you still don’t get it. Do you know the worst thing you can do in a situation like this? Giving up. Humans can intermarry with orcs. Just look at Lorka’s Uncle Chuck. You think he got a super warm reception when she brought him home? No, he didn’t! He earned his way into the clan. Sure, A’kua’s dad wasn’t as bad as Jor’ak but at least you could have given a tried!”

Thomas threw up his hands in frustration, “Nerada, how the hell would Jor’ak ever accept someone like me?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know, it’s a tough situation. But the least you two could do is figure something out together instead of just shutting her out and making this decision on your own.”

 “You’re right…I didn’t know all this would happen. I really fucked up big time. God, how can I fix this?”

Nerada gave him a playful punch on the arm, “Duh! You fight for her, you idiot. Talk to her. Tell her you’re sorry and pray she takes your sorry ass back. And uh…listen. Sorry about all that mean shit I said. I was just trying to get you riled up. You’ve got a lot of potential. I knew that when you smashed a board over that dumb oni bitch’s head.  You’re a lot tougher than you think.” Was she…was she actually blushing?

Thomas was shocked. Nerada had always seemed like just a school yard bully. But even though she was rough around the edges, Nerada was surprisingly compassionate.

“Nerada, thanks for telling me about Lorka. I’ve been thinking about talking to her for a long time. I didn’t realize that things would turn out this badly. I just wanted her to be happy.”

The bell for next period rang and Nerada turned to leave. “Well, I did my part. Now you’ve gotta go do yours. For what it’s worth, I hope you two nerds get back together. It’s been pretty boring without you around to keep Lorka from being a buzzkill.” She shook her head, “ Honestly never thought I’d miss her talkin’ about books.”

Thomas extended his fist towards Nerada. She gave him a curious look before smiling and gently tapping her knuckles against his.
“Good luck nerd. You better get her back.”

“I will.” Thomas promised.  He was going to do his best to fix his screw ups and make his Aru’ka happy. No matter what.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

	As the final bell of the school day rang, Thomas ran to his car. He’d spent the rest of the school day thinking about how he was going to talk to Lorka. This entire time he thought he was doing the right thing. But everything Nerada told him…She wasn’t going to college anymore? She was still having issues with her dad? And she was crying? He needed to intervene, to fix all the damage he’d done. “I’m such an idiot,” he thought as he climbed into his car. There wasn’t anything he could do about the past. It was time to move forward.
Thomas barely remembered to buckle into his seatbelt before zooming out of the school parking lot. This was it. He was going to get his Aru’ka back, fix all his problems, and finally move forward with his life. He almost ran a red-light, and he was going a good bit above the speed limit. But it didn’t matter. He was so close to Lorka’s house. He’d jump out of the car, and march straight into the house. Jor’ak would stand there with his mouth agape as he professed his love to his daughter and then…

And then what?

Jor’ak still despised him. He’d probably throw him out at best. At worst, he’d rip him in two. And Lorka…

What if she was angry at him for all the things he did “to help her”?

What if she hadn’t forgiven him for the way he’d broken up with her?

What if she hated him?

Thomas felt the adrenaline rush he was cresting on starting to wain as he saw Lorka’s house. When Nerada had confronted him, it had just been a primal reaction. The girl he loved was unhappy and suffering because of something he’d done and he needed to fix it, dammit! But now…he was coming back to his senses. He could see an orcish woman standing by the front of the house in the distance. Thomas felt the last bit of courage inside of him evaporate. There was no way he could do this. Not today. Before the orc had time to see his car, he made a rapid U-turn and drove back to his house.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

	“So, are you just going to keep ignoring your mother? Don't you think that's a rather cruel thing to do to your poor mother?”
Thomas’s mind snapped back to attention as he looked into his mother’s eyes. The two of them were sitting in the dining room eating supper. Thomas hadn’t said much since he came home. He was so lost in thought he hadn’t said a word to his mother since their meal started.

“Sorry, just thinking about something.”

“Oh just thinking about something? How descriptive.” She said with a wry grin, “It almost looks like you’re thinking about a certain someone.”

“Lorka’s not the only thing I think about.” Thomas said with a slight pout.

“Oh really? I wouldn’t have guessed that based on all the wistful sighing coming from your end of the table” she teased.

“Mom, stop.” Thomas grumbled.

“Well, maybe if you stopped acting like a melodramatic teenager, I wouldn’t feel the need to mess with you.”

Thomas gave her an exasperated look as he tried his best to remain calm, “It’s been a long day, Mom. Just let it go.”

“Oh my, did something happen?” She said with a worried look on her face.

“I sort of…had a run in with Nerada today.”

Thomas’s mother narrowed her eyes, “She’s the one that doesn’t like you right? I swear if she hurt you I’m going to march right up to the principal’s office and…”

“Mom! She didn’t do anything. We just…talked” Thomas lied. The last thing he needed was for his mother’s mama-bear side to come out. He still felt bad for that hellhound that shoved him off the jungle gym in elementary school. Poor girl had to wear a muzzle for a week.
He told her about his encounter with Nerada, making sure to emit a couple key details (like Nerada pining him to the wall and Thomas slapping her in the face.) His mother didn’t say anything as he spoke, though she was listening intently. After telling her about driving to Lorka’s house she gave a sage nod and began to speak.

“So after all this time and all those speeches about ‘doing what’s best for her’ it just takes an acquaintance shouting at you to make you see reason?”

“That’s not…” Thomas quickly stopped talking. She was right. He’d been awfully quick to listen to Nerada. “I got carried away. She told me Lorka was hurting and it just…it really hurt hearing that you know?”

Cynthia let out an exasperated sigh. “Thomas, why do you want to get back together with Lorka?”

“I thought you were the one telling me I should go talk to her?”

She nodded her head, “That’s right. But now, I’m asking you, why did what Nerada say motivate you to try and patch things up with her?”
Thomas was unsure of what to say, “Because I fucked everything up and…”

His mother cut him off with a tsk, shaking her finger as she spoke, “That’s the same reason you said you broke up with Lorka. Does that really make any sense? You wanted to leave her to fix everything, now you want to get back together with her to fix everything. Do you see what I’m saying?”

He didn’t say anything. Her son just looked down at his plate of food, unsure of how to respond.

She pursed her lips, as though she was thinking about something, “All right, let’s try this instead. Why did you break up with Lorka? And don’t say because ‘it would solve everything.’”

“Because her dad hated me and there’s no way we could have patched things up with him, and she was better off without me.”

Cynthia clapped her hands together, “Repeat that last part for me, sweetie.”

“She was better off without me?”

His mother nodded, “Now, why do you think that?”

“Lorka’s…she’s perfect. She’s smart. She’s athletic. She’s read damn near as many books as I have. She could be a talented hunter or scientist. Really, she could be anything she sets her mind to…”

“So why do you think she’s better off without you?” She asked.

“Because I…Because I’m me.” Thomas said quietly. Cynthia’s lips creased into a deep frown as she regarded her son, but she didn’t interrupt him as he continued to speak.  “I don’t deserve her. I know that. I want to get back together and make everything right with her, but I know that I’m not good enough for her. That’s why I broke up with her. That’s why I turned around when I made it to her house today. I feel like I’m being torn apart. Part of me just wants to be with her again, but another part of me is afraid I’ll just screw things up even worse somehow.”

Cynthia steepled her fingers and stared straight into Thomas’s eyes as she asked her next question, “Thomas, why do you act like you’re a burden on everyone around you?”

Thomas tried to give her an easy answer. Because he wasn’t fun to be around. Because he was indecisive. But those were just more excuses. He thought about that cold, night trapped in trapped inside of a damp, rotting tree. He thought about the hissing, chittering noises her heard in the darkness, unable to help his father because of his broken leg. Then, he thought about the funeral. Watching strangers come in and out of the house. Unable to comfort his mother as they placed the casket into the ground. The longs nights when she was gone, knowing his mother was struggling just to keep a roof over their head. But most of all, he thought of his father, cheerful and full of life. And how he’d never see him again.

 “Because of Dad.” Thomas said, breaking the silence. He looked into his mother’s eyes as he began to speak. “I was never good enough. I was the reason he died. If I hadn’t broken my leg, if I hadn’t been there, Dad would still be here today.”

Cynthia’s calm demeanor evaporated, replaced by concern for her son, “Thomas, you can’t possibly blame yourself for all that! You were still in middle school, and that…thing was dangerous enough to kill full grown orcs!”

“I could have tried to do something! After we lost dad, everything fell apart. You had to move around constantly and I had to stay here. I was such a burden. If you hadn’t had me, I wouldn’t have weighed you down and…”

Thomas’s never got to finish his sentence as Cynthia practically threw back her chair and pulled him into a tight embrace.
“Stop. Hating yourself isn’t going to bring him back. You’re OUR son. We loved you and we did our very best to make you happy. You didn’t kill your father. He gave his life to protect yours.” Thomas felt tear drops stain his cheeks as his mother looked down at him. She was trying to give him a reassuring smile, but her son could see the sadness in her eyes, “So Thomas, stop blaming yourself. You’re a wonderful person, and an excellent son.”

Thomas didn’t say anything, but he returned his mother’s hug. He’d always avoided talking with his mom over what’d happened. It felt incredible to get everything out in the open. When Thomas finally let go of his mother he gave her a weak smile. Hearing those words…it made Thomas feel an overwhelming sense of comfort. He'd never really talked about how he felt with anyone after losing his father.
“I know saying that isn’t going to fix everything Thomas…but I just want you to stop viewing yourself in such a negative way. You’ve got to stop thinking that way if you ever want to be happy.”

“I’ll do my best Mom. So you can be proud of me.”

“You goof, I’m already proud of you! Now…let me ask you that question again. Why do you want to get back together with Lorka?”
Thomas spoke slowly so that he could convey his feelings properly, “Because I love her. She’s my Aru’ka and I’ve done wrong by her. I placed my own problems on top of ours, and instead of trying to come up with a solution together, I tried to shut her out and made everything worse.”

“So what are you going to do now?” His mother asked.

Thomas balled his hands into fists, “I’m going to talk to her and tell her I love her and that everything I did was a mistake.” Thomas’s enthusiasm seemed to deflate slightly as he spoke, “But…what if she doesn’t want to hear any of that? What if she hates me?”

Cynthia’s eyes sparkled as she grabbed her purse, “I didn’t tell you this yesterday, but a certain Lorka Tusktaker popped up on our doorstep yesterday while you were out running errands.”

Thomas’s jaw dropped, “And you didn’t tell me!?”

His mother gave him a level stare “It was a private conversation, Thomas. But I happen to know she’d be willing to speak with you.”
“But…where can I meet up with her? Schools kind of an awkward place to try and talk with her, and I can’t just show up on her doorstep because of her dad. I don’t think I could do this over the phone either."

“Well, if you want to meet her in person, why not ‘bump into her’ at somewhere public. You could get a conversation going, and if you two were willing you could go somewhere else and fix it in private.”

“That sounds perfect! But how would I…” Thomas stopped talking as he saw the devilish grin on his mother’s face. Oh no, she’d been planning something. Cynthia pulled out a golden embossed ticket from her purse, her eyes sparkling as she handed the ticket to her son.

“Oh…I think I have an idea.”