Thread 60: Stories 76-90

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>Berry Punch
"???"
~~~~

This was going to be one of those days.

She was already in a hangovery kind of mood when she woke up, was already having a way slower than usual day today, and sales for the whole month had been rough. She was not having a good day.

As such, when a guard walked through her door, she was ready to scream.

>If you're here for something I allegedly did you better have a warrant.

His eyebrow went up, more shocked than anything, but he smoothly slipped into a warm, easygoing smile quickly enough.

"Nothing like that. I'm in the middle of an investigation, and I could use your help."

Her own suspicious eyebrow rose, and she frowned just a bit.

>Whatever it was, I was way far away from it, and I never saw it.

"I'm actually inclined to believe that, it happened up in Canterlot, and from what I heard you don't get around much."

>Pfft.

He never lost that smile, but it seemed fairly strained. Nonetheless, he smoothly reached into his armor, and pulled out a tiny glass bottle.

"Well, in any case, I've been up and down Canterlot looking for where this could have originated, and from what everyone tells me the only one who mixes cured grapes into their wine around this place is little old you, none of the others can manage it."

>Special talent.

"Pretty special, I'd say. So... do you recognize this?"

In fact, she did. Custom order, very difficult to transfer from her bigger bottles to retain it's longevity without losing the flavor, very hard to make the bottles that small that wouldn't shatter easily. It was a learning experience.

One that had paid off absolutely fantastically, in fact. That changeling was nothing if not a fantastic tipper.

>...Nope.

And she did not sell out her fantastic tippers.

"Are you sure?"

He took on the air of mostly being disappointed, though she could clearly see there was something more beneath it.

>I'm sure, I don't make them small like that. See all around you? It would be a custom order, and I don't make custom orders. Making the regular bottles is hard enough as it is!

"Really? Even if someone made it worth your while?"

She rolled her eyes, slipping into character almost offhandedly.

>Pfft, who around here has that much money? We're a town of bumpkins here, city slicker, nobody but Filthy Rich has that kind of dosh, and he doesn't drink. Sorry, looks like one of my resalers just decided to stretch out the cash.

"Resalers?"

>Sorry, but there's no way I'm giving up a list of my stock buyers without a warrant. Privacy is important.

His eyes... flickered. She didn't know how else to describe it, they just flickered.

"Well, whoever it was I can be sure they absolutely would have the funds to get a custom order."

>Oh yeah? How.

Swiftly, he reached into his uniform again, and pulled out an absolutely stunning necklace. It was old, quite old, but it looked brilliant.

"Because whoever has an antique like this has got to have some serious dosh."

She stared at it for just a second too long. He pulled it away, giving her a stern look in it's place.

"Oh no, whoever left this at the party is probably missing it, and I'm going to get it back to them, thank you. Don't even pretend it's yours, I'm not getting swindled like that again. This is going home and that's that."

Had he spoken to anyone else, literally anyone else in this town, they would have immediately praised him for being so dedicated and of course pointed them right to the person he wanted to see. Why, a guard trying to return lost property is nothing short of noble!

Literally anyone else but her, of course.

Who had seen this trick enough times to know when it's bullshit.

>Sorry, can't help you.

The guard was taken, well, off guard by that.

"You're sure?"

>Yep.

"...That's a pity."

Oh damn, Berry thought to herself, what a terrible time for her hangover to come back in full force. It slapped her out of nowhere, leaving her head positively throbbing and spinning. She just barely managed to keep from throwing up. For a second, her entire scope of vision was nothing but the sight of pure, puke green.

"Are you alright?"

Just like it tended to sometimes, it let up soon enough. Leaving her with a dull throb instead of an outright pain.

>...F-fine. Just... uh, just have a cold.

"You realize that operating a store while drunk is illegal, ma'am."

She shot him a look, and to her surprise he backed off.

"Fine, it doesn't matter. I have a job to do, after all."

>Yeah, you do.

She expected him to be angry, maybe even annoyed with her. The cocky smirk on his face? That... was quite unexpected.

The bell above her door jingled, and he was gone.

Alone, she slumped forwards, tired. It was only by rolling her head ever so slightly that she caught sight of something that made her eyes go wide.

>...Wait, what fucking time is it!?

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>AJ
"Twi"
'Pinkie'
[Dash]
{Fluttershy}
(Rarity)
^Spike^
~Various~
~~

>NEXT!

~What the fuck is up with technology!? We have hovercrafts!? HOW!?~

"Levitation spell on a bunch of metal."

~...Oh. What about the robots?~

"Magical cores moving the bodies and voice based input spell. Technically? Every time you tell it to go somewhere, it's casting a spell."

~Oh... what about the airship?~

"Multiple magical cores in every one of the wings stabilized by external devices."

~Oh... the guns?~

"Various chemicals that make things go boom."

~...~

"It doesn't all have to be magic, just ninety percent magic."

~Uh... huh...~

"..."

~...Why is it so wildly inconsistent?~

'Varies from person to person. Lots of ideas.'

~What?~

>NEXT!

~~~~~

~How, exactly, do dragons not cause a gem shortage? Where the fuck do they come from?~

^Magic.^

~...~

(... NEXT!)

~~~~

~ARE THE CHANGELINGS AMONG US!?~

{Yes.}

~WAIT WHA-~

>NEXT!

~~~~

~Can I get a definition on what constitutes a drug?~

[LEAVE, CLOUDKICKER!]

~HASH CRYSTALS ARE NOT A PERFORMANCE ENHANCER! I SHOULDN'T BE KICKED OUT BECAUSE I NEED TO CHILL!~

[LEAVE!]

~NARC!~

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 >18
"Cadence"
'SA'
~Various~
~~~~

There was one tiny little flaw with the backup area, Eighteen suddenly noticed.

No privacy.

Now, while this normally would not be a problem, since she wasn't trying to hide that they were all out and eating together, there had been one thing she absolutely had not foreseen that, in hindsight, she should have.

~Thank you so much for approving my grant! I'll make sure to put every cent to good use in the iron-crystal development!~

All of the thank yous.

~Everything is finally running smooth at the university! Thank you so much for handling all of the lead in, I never would have been able to do it in half the time!~

The many thank yous.

~Construction is on schedule, thanks to you getting the approval through!~

~I cannot thank you enough for getting the road fixed in time, I almost lost tourist money when it cracked right in front of my shop! Thank you so much!~

~Fire department response time is down in half!~

~We actually have a fire department now!~

The many many many...

~How in the love's name did you manage to get the medicine over here so fast? You know what, nevermind, I'm just happy to say the spread of the virus is completely stopped, and eradicated! Vaccine is coming out this month!~

~Thank you for the theater! Finally! A place for some culture!~

~The whole library? I'm not even surprised you managed to get so many new textbooks, but even I have to be surprised you got enough to update the whole library! Thank you!~

Many many many many many-

~You're the best!~
~Couldn't have done it without you!~
~Thaaaanks!~

MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY..

~Thank you!~

Thank yous.

~You're the best princess!~

And not a one of them was for her.

"Really, it was nothing."

~Nothing!? I don't see how balancing the entire train schedule is nothing!~

"Well... you know... just doing what a princess does..."

~Thank you again!~

'...Eighteen? You okay?'

Her head his the table, and it all went silent.

>Just... fine....

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Non-Canon
>Pinkie
~~~~
>Wooo, nothing like a hard day's work complete. Time to turn off the studio lights and wake up.

She wakes up in bed and heads to the kitchen.

>I'm glad folks are receptive to my show. After those boring visits, I was sure my show was going to flop.

She finds herself back in the studio.

>...what?

She closes her eyes and finds herself back in bed again.

>...I'm awake right?

Walks to the kitchen and finds herself in the studio.

>Uh oh...when I was closing my eyes was I waking up, or going to sleep? Am I going deeper?

Closes her eyes and finds herself back in bed.

>Uh...help? ...Luna? ...anypony?

Nothing but silence.

>...I think I'm stuck.

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>Spike
"???"
~~~~

You know, Spike thought to himself, he shouldn't even be surprised something crazy was happening right now. Sure, he was just getting a snack from a vending machine, but he clearly should have seen this coming.

RUMBLE RUMBLE!

RUMBLE RUMBLE!

"YOU PIECE OF SHIIIIIIIIT!"

Clearly, him not expecting to see Chitania with the machine in question held high above her head was stupid on his part, he should have known better.

>You know, destroying castle property is a jailable offense.

She glared at him, shaking the thing even harder.

"So is not giving me what I paid for!"

>Don't think it's the same for a machine.

"Well it should be!"

Furiously, she slammed it back down.

To his amusement, he could clearly see the roll of cookies she was after remaining pressed up against the glass.

>As always, super effective.

She shot him another dirty look before she continued to rock the machine back and forth.

“You of all creatures should not be doubting my power.”

>Oh yeah no, you totally impressed me when you nearly died, that was amazing.

“You say, forgetting that it was you whom I was standing over, your breath stolen from your lungs.”

>Maybe that thing held me back, and round two is going to go a little different.

“Oh? And how are you planning to do something like that?”

For the first time in what felt like forever, he found himself utterly stunned, completely taken off guard and unable to believe his ears. She wasn't being sarcastic. Her tone was completely, totally sincere.

As was her open, thoughtful look as she glanced him over.

“...Come to think of it, why didn't you use your Titan magic against me the other times?”

So stunned that she actually seemed to be considering him, sizing him up as she would a true opponent, he could just barely spit out a confused reply.

>What?

“Your... well, fine! What do you dragons call it?”

>...Call what?

She rolled her eyes, rage and annoyance mixing quite easily with her.

“Gee, dumbass, what could I be talking about? Your Titan magic!”

>My... my what?

She groaned, stomping over to him and craning her neck down to look right into his eyes.

“Ti. Tan. Ma. Gic. If you're trying to hide it, maybe you shouldn't grow to fifty stories tall and then shrink back down? It's fairly obvious what you can do.”

>...Wait, you mean that thing you do? With the whole fwoosh and grow huge?

He had no idea it was called 'titan' magic, of course, how would he have known that? Still, at least that weird title Chrysalis gave her makes sense now.

“Fucking duh.”

>...I can't do that.

“Oh, I'm sorry, so you DON'T have the ability to grow to several stories tall instantly?”

His jaw froze open just as he had been preparing to tell her, no, of course not. But... he could do that, couldn't he? Was she... right?

>Oh... It's called Titan magic?

She rolled her eyes, stomping back over to the machine before picking it up once more.

“I don't know what the fuck you dragons call it... actually? I had no idea dragons could do that. That seems odd. What's the point? You will already grow to that height naturally anyway, unlike me. I need my Titan magic to reach that height.”

>Are you sure it's magic?

She didn't even bother to waste a dirty look on that.

“Of fucking course it's magic, you think gaining that much mass and losing it without side effects is natural?”

>I mean are you sure it's like yours?

She roared in fury again, her rocking of the machine reaching a fever pitch.

“The fuck should I know!? I didn't see you grow! I just watched you shrink! Your Titan Magic might be different than mine. Fuck, it probably is, biology and all that.”

>Right...

This time, she did glance back.

“...Unstable?”

>What?

“Is your Titan form unstable? Mine was when I was a child, it would grow out of control sometimes and shrink me back down at inopportune moments.”

>Why should I tell you that?

Her lip curled upwards in a smirk.

“Wise... but you already told me everything with your face. It is unstable, isn't it? You're afraid of it.”

He huffed, turning away.

>Maybe I just save it for special occasions. Like when I'm beating the ego off of you.

She slowed, memories still fresh in her mind.

“...That was not you.”

He glanced back, fangs showing in a snarl.

>Maybe not now, but it will be someday. I'll grow up eventually, and I'm going to be able fight just like that again. What are you planning on doing then?

Slowly, she set the machine back down.

“You assume I will not have grown in power between now and then.”

>Oh yeah? When's the last time you got stronger? Actually stronger than you were before? I'll bet my shiniest gems that after you figured out how to grow, you never got any higher than that. You topped out already, and I've barely even begun.

She turned to him fully, locking eyes with his in a dark, hard and cold look. No fire flicked upon her horn, but even Spike would swear he felt a dangerous magic in the air.

“...You are a stupid child. A stupid, shortsighted child.”

She craned her head up, until she looked down her nose at the defiant, stubbornly standing dragon.

“...What was it like, the first time it happened? What did you feel when you first changed, and grew? Who did you become?”

>Why do you care?

“Because that... is who you really are, deep inside. That feeling that overtook you the first time is what you are at your most basic, your most center. When I transformed, I nearly killed myself because I kept wanting to grow bigger, and bigger, and bigger. My heart nearly went out, unable to keep pumping blood through my veins, and I could not support myself any longer before I passed out. I realized later, that's who I am at my core. I want to be bigger.”

She tilted her head, ever so slightly, just enough to look into his shocked, horrified eyes.

“Who are you, really?”

Her hoof reached up... and softly tapped the machine on it's side.

With a soft 'plunk', the snack she had been after fell to the tray, and she pulled it loose.

“This future I have woken up in is nothing like the past I left behind... but some things do not change.”

She walked by him barely giving him a glance.

“You are wise to look to the future and wonder what will come... but do not be so foolish as to assume you will know what that wonder will be. We all have means to grow, little dragon.”

Her hoof stomped down, and Spike swore, he truly swore, he heard a jingle of glass.

“...Some just grow bigger than others.”

With that and a cocky, feral smirk, she walked off.

Alone, he stood, still rooted to that spot, still unmoving. Until slowly, he moved forwards, put his money in the machine, and waited.

>...Damn.

Stuck.

What a shame... he really wanted that.

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>Batmom
"Dadling"
~~~~

"....*SNIFFF*.... Honey?"

>Yes, dear?

"Did you change the baby's diaper?"

>...The... the what?

"Her diaper, did you change it?"

>No?

"She needs changed, I think."

>Whoa, hold up, back up right now.

"What?"

>She eats love.

"Riiight?"

>An abstract concept she turns into magical sustenance.

"A duh, changeling."

>...So what the hell came out of her?

"..."

>...

"..."

>...

"...huh..."

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>DT
"SS"
'Spike'
~~~~
>Heh heh heh...

"DT...what are you working on?"

>I'm just working on some battle strategies. Like if there's an urban fight, maybe ponies can advance by having one squad put down suppressive fire while another squad moves up. They really need more guards though. Maybe I should buy them an army of droids. I'd probably have to save some of my allowance though. I might actually have to wait 2...maybe 3 days to get enough money for them.

"Do you have to do this now? Can't you take a break?"

>Well, it's not like the adults are fixing it. Shining Armor's training was worthless. I swear, if I see him again we're going to prank him.

'Aw, don't do that. He's got a full load.'

"Hey Spike."

>Oh great. Tell me how's ass kissing for the princesses been lately?

'Okay, I might have gone a little overboard with the jello.'

>What?

'Uh, what brings you 2 out here?'

>Eating, what's it look like?

"I'm the one eating. She keeps working on her projects."

'Ah speaking of projects. I made a special rocket launcher for you.'

>...You did?

'Yeah, I made it specifically for you in mind. It's got a few enchantments on it to make it lighter and accurate.

>...oh.

'I meant to give it to you, but um then the infection started and I couldn't give it to you. I know you're attached the rocket launcher you already have and it's probably not as good as it, so you can scrap it for parts or put them together to double the rockets. Consider it an apology for your suit.'

DT thinks for a moment.
>...sticking them together for dual rocket launchers....ha...ha ha ha HA HA HAHAHAHA!!!

"Uh...DT?"

>HAHAHAHA ha ha Spike you're coming with us. Let's go buy you some gems.

'Oh but I'm kind of-'

"She'sinahappymoodSpike."

'On second thought, I'm famished.'

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>7
"???"
~~~~

>...Now this is interesting.

It hadn't taken him long to find the apartment in question. After... 'extracting' the information from that wine seller, finding the sole living changeling in this whole town was not difficult. Apparently, he was of some renown.

...It wasn't a POSITIVE renown, mind, mostly complaining that he was always doing something strange or speaking in a way that made their head hurt, but any publicity is good publicity when you're trying to track them down.

Even then, he didn't suppose it was too hard to find regardless. After all... it was the only place on fire.

Well, the only place that used to be on fire. It had long since been put out, fires dwindled to nothing but black char. It had been through too, even with the cleanup well under way, he could see several remains of possessions within it, some that would have been very easy to pack had he the desire to do so. In other words, this fire had been set in a hurry, and with little thought put into it. And what a coincidence, a bit more investigating had found out the fire had been set... the exact same day her Majesty had gone to see the first traitor.

In other words... it was covering up something.

>Mmmm... not well enough.

A flash of fire overtook him, and in the blink of an eye he had taken the guise of a simple pegasi mailman. He put on his best shocked look, and hurried into the management room for the apartment.

The older mare gave him a curious look, but slipped into a warm smile soon enough.

"Why hello, dearie! How can I help you today?

>Um... Hello? I've got a letter for a mister... Twenty Nine? But not the apartment Twenty Nine, my note was pretty specific on-

"Yes yes yes, I know. His name confuses us all. Well! I'm afraid he's... not available at the moment."

>Ah... shoot. Was kind of hoping that apartment on fire wasn't his.

"Sadly, it is. He's staying elsewhere for the moment."

>Um... do you know where he's at now?

"Oh, no need to worry about that deary! I'll hold onto that and give it to him when he gets back."

>Hey, great! Yeah! This'll... oh, wait.

He made a show of shuffling around in his bag, pulling out a crumpled piece of paper and looking back and forth between the mare and the letter.

"Is something the matter?"

>...Um... I don't want to sound mean, but are you miss... Starbright?

Her eyes narrowed, suddenly looking a bit suspicious.

"...I am..."

>Oh, uh... I'm supposed to not give you this letter. I have to make sure it goes to him or... this name is kind of smudged. I guess just him? I can't read the other name.

"If I had to guess, that would be his employer, the mayor."

>...Oh! Oh, I see, it's two words, that's why.

"Correct, Mayor Mare. Can I ask why I'm supposedly not allowed to see this letter? It's not like I'll open it."

He shuffled, looking quite nervous.

>Come on, lady, I'm just doing my job, don't put me on the spot like this.

"...Fair enough. Well! Since I am apparently not trustworthy, he's at the mayors at the moment, last I heard."

>Thanks!... Sorry.

"Nothing you did, child. Just doing your job, as you said."

>Y-yeah... yeah...

He sheepishly flew off, not bothering to get directions. It would be odd if a mailman didn't know the location of the mayors house, wouldn't it?

No... he would have to do this the old fashioned way.

Another flash of fire overtook him, and he vanished into the crowd.

>Nowhere left to run now... Twenty Nine.

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>SA
"18"
'Cadence'
~???~
~~~~

Shining Armor had sincerely hoped that the moment the waves of thankful ponies stopped, things would get less awkward.

He was wrong.

The level of unease that was shared as the three at the table glanced at each other had no words that could describe it. The closest any of them could form was that of a performer who had walked out on stage with a roll of toilet paper sticking out of the corner of their mouth. What they had thought a time to wow the audience had become an event where they realized that they looked like utter idiots, probably shouldn't be up there, and there was a lot of worry as to exactly what was going to come out of their mouth should they risk opening it.

In short, even the risk of magical cancer did not dissuade him from wishing he had a batch of smoke bombs. He would take that cancer punch and love it.

>...You know you're allowed to tell them that you did that, right?

Fantastic, thought Shining Armor. He now knew why the other two were not diving in first. It appeared that the pool was actually a wall of glass in disguise. By the near synchronized wince on both of them, it appeared he had made quite the shattering flop.

If only metaphors could slit wrists.

"No I can't... this is way better, for everyone. Everyone's happier like this. Them being happy is more important."

Annnd, now Cadence looked like she had just been told her puppy had cancer. A cancer that would also transform them into the dark lord of the universe and that she personally had to drive the sword of righteousness into their heart in order to save all of creation.

>...Note to self, discuss with Spike about next OnO campaign.

"What?"

>NOTH... Wait...

It was a longshot, he realized, but if he didn't find a floaty soon he was going to attempt to drown himself in a glass of water.

Deciding that, at the very least, he couldn't make this situation more awkward, he went for for it.

>Okay, so, for the next OnO campaign, what if one of us gets infected with some kind of dark magic, and the others have to have a big moral dilemma about whether or not to kill them! We'd have to put on some magical buffs to prevent one of the others from just using an eye of the goddess, but if it takes place in the shadow land her influence would be drained enough the multiplier wouldn't work...

...Oh dear sweet Faust.

He was here, on a threesome date with two stunning, beautiful mares who both had fantastic personalities and storied lives filled with adventure and wonder... and his A game is Oblique and Ogres. That's the best he could manage.

He could hear it. He could literally hear twelve year old him hovering over his shoulder and going-

~What the hay is wrong with you!? Are you rere or something!? Stop talking and go put your wiener in their belly button!~

....Twelve year old him had not gotten the sex talk yet, and had some misconceptions.

'Who?'

The absolute last thing that should scare him should be his wife doing an owl impression, but there his heart went!

>...Huh?

'Who? Who should get all dark sidey?'

>Oh... hadn't really thought of the who.

"Not Chrysalis."

And we're two for two! His heart had now used up all of it's vacation time.

'What? Why not? You think she'd be obvious.'

"That's the problem. Unless Forty Two is there, who's going to hesitate? Spike might even make holy spires rain down from the sky just to be sure. It would have to be someone you'd never expect and we wouldn't want to kill. Moral dilemma."

'Oh, I suppose... Poindexter? I don't want to kill him.'

"Chrysalis would, though. She'd be all "No no! You all hang back, me and my thriftblade will handle this!" and then it would be over."

'She lost her thriftblade last campaign, she has a viper whip now.'

"Point still stands."

'I guess...'

"Forty Two, maybe? She might have fun pretending to be the badguy for a bit."

Okay, he was going to have to ask about that shudder later. That shudder was the type of shudder you get when you are worried the bomb is going to go off and you have to cut the right wire.

On an unrelated note, he wondered if family game night should be brought back.

'Uh... I don't think she'd have much fun pretending to be a monster.'

"Oh... okay. Yeah, guess she wouldn't.

'Um... well, how about one of us?'

Oh no.

"...What about both of us?"

No no no.

'...And he can only save one.'

ABORTABORTABORTABORTABORTABORTNONONONOPENOPENOPENFAILURETHISISAFAILUREMOMMAAH'MCOMMIN'HOME!

A part of him wondered when his beloved pair had been replaced with unfeeling horrible monsters, but honestly he was just impressed they had kept up the charade this long. To whomever had decided to pull this with the intention of assassination via heart attack, he tipped his helmet to them, bravo.

There was only one way out of this... beside suicide, obviously, but that was a solid plan B if there ever was one.

No... he was going to flip this table and leave them baffled!

>What, you girls don't think it could be me?

Metaphorically!

"What?"

>Oh come on, I would totally be a great evil pony!

'...Snk.'

"Pfffft."

>Are you laughing at me? Come on! Shining Armor, villain! OH! I could be like.. the black knight or something. Oh! Nightmare Knight! That sounds awesome! I could terrorize the land, and then you all would have to decide if you wanted to risk saving me or not, it could be cool!

The hoof waving and wooshing sounds to denounce flying were not needed, technically, but he felt they added to the performance.

>I am the Nightmare Knight, and I shall envelop you all in... my BUBBLE OF DARKNESS!

There was a pause, and he wondered if he had taken a step too far and finally revealed enough that even endless, boundless love had finally reached it's limits.

And then came the laughter.

The sweet, joyous, angelic...

Really, really, really LOUD laughter.

"AHAHAH! O-OH NO! The bubble of doom will consume us all!"

'Not the bubbles! Anything but the bubbles of darkness!'

"They're so dark you can only mostly see through them instead of totally!"

'The fiend!'

"He might even make a really, really big bubble!"

'The only one who stands a chance is Pinkie armed with a mountain of gum!'

"It's our greatest hope!"

'Nothing else can stop the scourge... of the DARK BUBBLE!'

...Just take the win, he told himself.

Just take the win, and try not to think too hard about it.

~Hey! Don't laugh, bubbles are awesome!~

>You tell them, Twelve year old me, you tell them.

"'AHAHAHHAHA!'"

>...Bubbles are awesome...

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>42
"2"
~~~

>...Where...

She had vanished after tumbling over the entirety of the kitchen cabinet, gone in a flash after her precious were obtained. Shining Armor had warned her not to let the child overdo it on the snacks, and that is exactly what she was going to do.

...Just as soon as she found her...

>Where could you be.

She was a changeling, a master in the art of detection, a proud warrior and fighter, surely she could-

"TAG YER IT!"

SMACK went the hoof to her face, and in a blur Two was off once more.

>...Ow...

She would not admit how much that hurt.

But hivemindDAMN it did that hurt.

"CATCHMECATCHEMECATCHME!"

>TWO! RETURN HERE AT ONCE!

"MEEP MEEP!"

ZOOM!

Okay, even she had to admit, that was pretty damn fast.

...This was going to be a long, long night.

"MEEP MEEP!"

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>88
"???"
~~~~

The guards did not know it if was cruel or not that they went silent and still as she passed them... but they never once wondered if they should.

>Freakin'... He freaking left me here! I can't believe he... I'm not a damn puppy! Right!? Not a puppy! I do not just get left behind to... wow, this wallpaper is weird. Am I even going the right way? Or, wait... which way did I come from?... What room was I in, even!? Do I need to go this way!?

"Probably!"

>ACK!

She swung wildly, punching at the air.

>WHO'S THERE!?

"Me!"

>...Me who?

"I don't know who you are, I've never met you!"

>No, I mean you.

"Me? I'm not you! That's ridiculous!"

>...I'm going to look at you, is this okay?

"Oh! You mean you're going to take off that funny blindfold?"

>No. Is this okay?

"...Uh, sure? Why wouldn't it be-"

>EEEEEEKKEKEKEKEKKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEK!"

"AAAAHHH!"

>...

"...Oh! You used Arry's technique! That's so cool! I still never figured it out, but I tried one time, but I used singing! Want to watch-"

>AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

She tore off, slamming into everything in her way and ramming into a wall no less than twice as she took off in a dead sprint.

By herself, Arana huffed.

"My singing ain't that bad..."

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Non-Canon
>Pinkie
~~~~
>Welcome to Not Late Night /pa/ with your host Pinkie Pie! It's during this time that content actually does matter, but I'm kind of stuck. I'm broadcasting now in the hopes that Princess Luna can come get me. I don't know how long I've been here, but I don't feel hungry, thirsty, or tired, so there's that. Since there's no guest right now, I'll just read some fan letters.
Audience cheers as she pulls out a letter.

>Strawberry Gum writes "Dear Pinkie, how do I change the dream channel?" The answer is you can't.
Pulls out another letter.

>This pony writes, "Can you please stop stealing my corn dogs from my dreams?" My answer is no.
Pulls out another letter.

>Bitch Pudding writes, "Listen up hoe, your show is *censored*. Stop broadcasting into my head you dumb *censored* *censored*. Go *censored* yourself." My answer is no.
Pulls out another letter.

>Oh hey, it's a letter to my future self. It's the future now! "Dear myself, if you're ever in trouble. Send me a letter and I'll send help. Whether it's canon or non-canon me, I'll be there." Holy confusing pronouns me!
She pulls out a quill and paper

>Um Dear Canon or non-canon Pinkies, please talk to Luna and ask her to help. Signed Pinkie.
Audience cheers.
>Now I just need to wait for help...yep any moment now.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

NC
>Letter
“56”
____

For the longest time, he only stared.

He stared intensely, almost as if willing the contents of the photo in his hoof to escape its boundaries and leap free.

But it didn't, so he continued to stare, absorbing every ounce of detail, intricacy and professionalism dripping from the present delivered to him by way of mailmare.

So enthused was the little changeling that he forgot to read the note that came attached, and only now began to take it in, his eyes reluctantly sliding over to the brick of text.

>Dear Ass-Hugger of Canterlot Castle

Welp. That explained how the mailman was able to locate him without assistance.

>Enclosed you’ll find a specialized picture of what you’ll NEVER be able to lay your face in. And not only your face, but your hooves, mouth, tongue—none of that. You may well have experienced an eons worth of posteriors in your life time but you look at this picture, that’s right, you look and behold. Behold the one better than the rest. Ingest it and study it. And when you’ve done that? Know the pain of realizing you’ll never be able to just walk up and delve into the depths hidden between those sweet, juicy orbs.

>Yes, I know it hurts you. This is your life, I know it. This is who you are, and this is what you crave, what you desire, what your soul burns for! But alas, this is also me being friendly enough to disclose upon you a very dire life lesson. Not everything can be obtained. Case in point, the ass of my friend. Now, remember that. Remember it well, changeling. And while you’re remembering, I’ll permit you to keep the photo as a token reminder, something to keep you steady in the coming days of abstract loss and bewilderment. Whenever you feel the need to gorge yourself on some sashaying rear, I want you to pull this picture out, whether mentally or physically it matters not, and recall your training.

>Because this is training. Training to be a better changeling, a changeling not ruled by perverse urges. You can rise above this—no, you SHALL rise above it, and should you manage to refrain from trying to sneak down to Ponyville to obtain that which is only photographed, you’ll be one step closer to being healthy once again. You’re sick. You are very, very sick, and I’m the only one with the courage and plan to lead you to recovery. Consider this one of many photos to be sent on your road to redemption. I will test you, try to break you. It is your duty to remain steadfast against an onslaught of pleasure. So… are you ready? Well, I wish you luck. You’re going to need it.

In all honestly, 56 had only managed to retain about an eighth of the letters contents before it was summarily crumbled and chucked over his shoulder, his attention zoning back to the photo.

“My gosh… this… this is fantastic! Would ya look at that lightin’? And how did they manage to get the contrast subdued like that? The colors all mix and mingle in a pleasant harmony that actually accentuates the subject instead of overpowerin’ it! I gotta show this to not-mom! Or applebutt! Somebody!”

And so he trotted off, just as happy and oblivious as could be… while miles and miles away a certain mint-colored mare nodded confidently to herself, certain she’d done something.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 >Applejack
"Rarity"
'Spike'
~~~~~

"Thank you so much for helping me again, darling! You have no idea how hard it is to get custom mannequins for our alicorn physic"

>...

"Is something wrong?

>Now see, this is just weird.

"What's weird about a costume?"

>...Yer' dressin' me up like a giant gem.

"Riiight? Don't you find it just fabulous?"

>No, see, the gem part Ah' get, it's that...

"Yessss?"

>It's that...

"Yeeeeeessss?"

>...Why a giant apple gem?

"Apple? Don't be silly, it's a ruby!"

>It looks like an apple.

"How is this in any way an apple? It's a ruby!"

>Apple.

"Ruby!"

>Apple!

"RUBY!"

>THAT THERE'S AN APPLE!

"Spike! Which does my dress look like!?"

'...Can I just go with 'hot'?'

"...Wait, is it hot because it looks good, or because it's on her?"

'...'

*FLEES!*

"YOU GET BACK HERE AND ANSWER MISTER!... Shoot."

>....

"..."

>...Apple.

"LETS SEE HOW APPLE IT IS WHEN I BURY YOU LIKE A GEM!"

>Ya' don't bury gems, ya' dig 'em up. Ya' bury apples, though.

"ARRGGHH!"

>Apple.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>8-bit
"Gaffer"
'???'
~~~

Today could not get any worse.

>This sucks.

Because, of course, the pair missed their train. Which meant that, of course, they were still in the Crystal Empire.

So, with nothing else to do, they decided to drown their troubles away.

Specifically, in a bar.

"...Least the booze is good."

>It's all imported.

"Well duh. Everythings imported here."

>'cept for the crystal berries.

"...Are those actually crystal?"

>I'm too embarrassed to ask.

"...He's a dick."

>Seriously. MASSIVE dick.

"Can't believe he lied to us like that."

>Fucker.

"He's got to be the worst guy on the planet."

'HAH!'

They looked down the bar, watching as a hooded figure through back her head, and the voice was far too feminine to be anything but a her, and laughed her ass off.

'Oh please, you don't know the meaning of 'the worst'.'

>Think we've got a pretty good idea.

'Oh yeah? Bet I can top you.'

"Pfft, please. You're trying to top a guy who used us to win over the love of his life, someone WAY out of his league, used us to help prop him up when he got so successful he could probably buy this bar with his cushion change, then he proceeded to win over so many mares he now has a HAREM, and then lied all of that to us about it and pretty much ignored us for years. Top. That."

She motioned over with a hoof, a quick cocky looking flair to it. Interested, they leaned in, and she began to whisper.

>...Okay, wow.

"Yeah, that's pretty dickish."

>Super dick move.

"I mean, wow. Fuck that guy."

>SO fuck that guy.

'See?'

>...Our guy is still worse.

"Yeah, still worse for us."

>I mean, that sucks for you, but he did it to two ponies, so that's worse by numbers alone.

"Clearly, though, we need to introduce them. Maybe that guy and Shining Armor will be such dicks to each other that they'll open a universal asshole and suck in-"

'WAIT A MINUTE!'

>...

"..."

Stunned, she threw back her hood.

For two canterlot natives like themselves, recognizing the former captain of the wonderbolts was instantaneous.

'You guys are talking about Shining Armor too!?'

>...Wow, seriously?

"See!? It's not us! We're not crazy!"

'We're not crazy!'

>Or assholes!

"HE'S the asshole!"

'OH GOD YES!'

>WE'RE RIIIIIIIIGHT!

"WOOOT!"

'YEAH!'

>...
"..."
'...'

>...Why are you in the crystal empire?

'...They won't let me back in the bar in Canterlot...'

>...BARKEEP! Another round! It's storytime!

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________