Another weird one

There is a boy in his unit that Bug thinks he might like. A man, really; Jedediah Proudleaf, twenty-one just the same as Bug himself, which is by all rights a full-grown man, he reckons. Grown men are allowed to like other men, especially when they're off fighting a war with nobody else around to like.

Liking Jed is okay. He's a likeable guy with big aspirations and big arms, even bigger than Bug's, which the boys all measured for laughs one night. It's when Bug turns in for the night, once the fire's mostly embers and he's staring at a blank page of his dream journal, that he gets to feeling like his belly's been mashed to pulp.

He's careful with the lead this time, at least - no more snapping it like the other night, staring off into space like a dummy. He starts off in the usual way, tells the little book about his day, and then pauses.

//Jed looked real proud when I threw my javelin with proper form today, like he taught me. He smiles with his whole face, even his eyes, so it looks like they're shining. When my javelin hit the//

Bug stops there, rubs at the sentence with a finger until it's just a grey smudge. The journal doesn't need to hear about it.

//I wanna to make him smile like that more often. Really earn it, y'know? I think the colonel's right when he says Jed will be a good squad leader some day. You just wanna please him so bad.//

Bug hears Jed's big belly laugh from the other side of their camp, and when he looks up Jed's slapping Benny on the back for some good joke. There's a moment where Jed looks right at him, still grinning, that makes Bug's head feel woozy.

//I think that's what I wanna dream about tonight, anyway. Pleasing him. I wanna dream about that smile.//

But just for me, Bug thinks, but doesn't write. His fingers grip the lead too tight when he tries, thinks about that smile looking down at him - which makes no sense, Jed is a little shorter - and the lead breaks, leaving smudges on his palm.

Somebody stomps the fire out not too long after that, and Bug is left in the dark with just the feeling of the parchment in his hands. He closes the book and reaches for the cover of his bedroll, tucking in to it proper. Jed's got first watch, which makes Bug not feel sleepy at all, but he closes his eyes tight anyway, and hopes for good dreams.