How to start? As I sit here, attempting to convert errant thoughts into a manageable cluster of words that may or may not stimulate the thoughts of others, I find myself feeling a modicum of inadequacy toward the monumental task of writing a book. So as I continue to write these words, little comes to mind. Twenty-five years of age, still living with my mother, a product of bad choices, crippled by anxiety and fears that consume my mind on a daily basis, I am still hopeful that my life will suddenly ‘wake up’ and I can begin the journey of my own path. Though as something I’ve come to realize, and something I hope I can share with others, is that life doesn’t start later, it doesn’t even start now, or even when you’re born. We are all the culmination of various events throughout our universe which could be considered pre-ordained millions of years ago. But that’s another topic; for now, I will focus on how I am who I am, and why I will always be such.

Beneath the layers of ego, lies a special sensation, all encompassing in its resonance, and yet despite its power, threads a subtle pattern into the fabric of our lives. Workers commute or drive, some even walk. Birds chirp overhead, wind blows through trees and various forms of molecules expand and collide with other forms of matter, unseen and like gravity, so commonly occurring that it is almost forgotten. Yet what of the substance that makes up self-awareness? What is the primordial atomic mass of a thought? Billions upon billions of thoughts pass through the human race every day , and while our ability to capture these thoughts and analyse them through methods of psychology are rapidly being augmented by up and coming research, the essential make-up of these formless, yet evidently present enigmas and their effects on their owners  is apparent. Within this all-encompassing aspect of ourselves, that which lies at the core, authentic and genuine self, is the nature of thought itself. Even to the point of displacing thoughts entirely, to their absence, but perhaps I delve too deep, too soon.

Remain still, if you would, for a single moment. Become nothing more than a simple biological organism, sitting in a chair, holding a book, experiencing autonomous biological functions such as cellular respiration and heart-beating. Let your body handle itself and let the mind melt away all concerns and worries.

Easier said than done, isn’t it? Admittedly, it takes practice, but there is a space which is entitled to you and you alone which contains all the freedom of self and expression that is typically needed to liberate yourself from the constraints of ego. There will be more on that later. For now, let’s turn our attention to how I came to decide upon who I am, and how you can possible decide on who you are.

For me, it has taken many years of soul-searching, even for this moment, the searching is life-long. As most adventures, the journey and not the destination are what are most important. The same could be said for this too, twenty-five, jobless, completed only a partial university course, living with my mother, on the welfare state, just on the poverty line. These things are equations in our society, but it could be said that they have little bearing on the aspect of self, which, like many people, I had forgotten about. I had exposed myself to many psychological environments, short of dissecting my brain for study. I had often wondered why I was who I am and as a result, who I could have been if I wasn’t. Considering that I had no bearing on who I could have been, as opposed to the innate nature of how I am came to be, quickly rose to become a source of grief and frustration, to which I still feel the echoes of. I could have been a poet, a farmer, a doctor, a nurse  or any one of any number of career paths. However I was born into this role. Now this sounds similar to fate or destiny, that it is my pre-determined placement to which I am born into, but this is not the case.

Over a period of many years, I have shaped my personality into a protective shell, and as a result, had ended up in pushing away many people that I cared about. Ever since the earliest days of High-School, as most have experienced too, I was bullied and teased in what seemed like the most hostile environment on earth. Everywhere I looked there was cause to hate me, and as my personality and confidence began to manifest, I found it had formed on the foundations of Inferiority. Inferiority or not-feeling-good-enough had become the very first identity which I had acquired. I became inferior, in all things. As said confidence became stronger, it grew upon the uneasy and unstable struts of unworthiness. Ultimately, my confidence and sense of pride would crumble away, leaving me feeling useless and, for the want of a better word, crap about myself, my accomplishments and my goals.

This overwhelming feeling had managed to grow like a cancerous root-system, spreading it’s taint through all aspects of my life. Love, work, studies, friendships, all of these became underpinned by the ever-present realization that I was nowhere near good enough to have these basic constructions of humanity. Knowing that was the first step, from there, it was only a short period of time before, through a conversation with a trusted friend; I had learned that it was my own ego that I battled with. Having formed protective cocoon around my inferiority, my sole, founding identity, it had become immensely difficult to break through the armour of that ego, much like a carapace of a beetle or some other creature. It had fangs, natural weapons forged of my own mind with which it could strike back at me and my attempts to neutralize it.

This ‘ego-creature’ was protected from me on all fronts, there was little I could do to chip away at the armour which shielded the precious, hurt and scared child inside it. Until one day, I had a revelation which would serve as the chink in the armour in my battle against myself.

It wasn’t until I had spent a long time debating and battling with this egotistical construct, when I had the epiphany that this ego was me. I knew this ego, it was not an external force which inhabited my mind, it was all me and part of my every being. Forged through fear, designed to protect itself, but from what? What was I shielding the most imaginative and expressive portion of myself from? Rejection, pain and hurt, fear itself even, these concepts all resonated with negativity and not part of a world that I would like, so I showed them rejection, I hurt that which hurt me, made it experience pain and taught it the meaning of fear. If I had known then, what I know now, I would have stopped myself as said: “No Mitch, just listen, there is actually a more peaceful solution to this, other than going to war with yourself and the world around you.” I had become bitter and jaded like the very people I didn’t want any part of. So when someone who is genuinely at peace with themselves came along and I had tried to become as friends, they showed me who they are and I gravitated, yet to them, I suspect all they saw was conflict and strife, at odds with everything I could experience.

However like any being of conscious thought, I held the power to control my thoughts, my immediate destiny and my awareness of all that I encompass. This realisation struck me as a powerful blow as I sat one morning in bed. I understood that this horrible entity was me, my own fragile mind having protected an innocent child from further hurt. Instantly the shield which kept me outside of the loving and pure sense of self which had been lacking from my life began to melt away. Metaphorically speaking of course, I felt a sense of wholeness I had not felt in years, and I wept.

They were senseless tears, for I knew crying could not remedy what time I had wasted in being cloistered behind the shell of my own mind. I flayed it open, tore open the walls which protected me and forced my mind prostrate against the beautiful patterns and fabrics of life’s tapestry around me. Overcome by an emotion I could not put into words, yet only through the most ardent and masterful strokes of poetry, I lingered for a long minute, in this blissful embrace of knowing that all I was, I had made myself. I instantly became aware of the fundamental process which had governed my freedom of being – that is, all I had suffered, all I had experienced, thought, cried for, loved, fought and appreciated – would be culminated into everything I could be.

Every tear, experience, laugh, raised voice, moment of pain, rapture, loneliness, happiness  or sadness would be carried with me as part of the Human Experience. This concept, while vague as it may sound, encompasses that everything we can feel, is allowed to be felt, and therefore, through right of human capacity, is beautiful and permissible in any circumstance.

As social creatures, we are driven by a sociological need to seek out others, and in times of isolation, sometimes that ‘other’ being becomes ourselves. Even down to a psychological level, children have been known to create imaginary friends which can serve as reflection of their subconscious, granting doctors an insight into the turbulent waters of a child’s mind. In my case, I had only my imagination and insecurities to reinforce this barrier. In retrospect, I cannot say that I blame any of the bullies or tormentors in high-school, kids of that age are prone to it, unfortunate as it may be. But neither can I blame my ego. It serves as protection, though it over-protects, and stops us from falling in love with the world and life around us.

However ones ego is not an easy beast to slay. Accepting that this shield, this barrier or creature, whichever analogy you choose to distinguish it as, is actually part of you, and a very important part of you at that, partially neutralizes its threat. I’m not about to tell you to march out and hug your ego, in an entirely metaphorical sense, but definitely understand it’s perks, while keeping its overbearing nature at bay. Neither is it a quiet opponent, even to this day, my ego pokes through my sentences, my actions and thoughts, but being able to recognize that it’s merely your insecure ego fearing for your safety that is making you feel or think as you do, and understanding that there is little fear, does wonders to displace that ego.

Additionally, an experience comes to mind which has aided in shaping the turbulent forces of ego and pride, versus the desire for peace and happiness. The beach near where I live holds a marina which occasionally contains dolphins and other fish which ride in on the wake of docking speed-boats. My mother, my dogs and I went for a walk down there one day, enjoying the wind at our faces, the slight salt taste on our lips and the sound of gently lapping waves along the seaweed encrusted shoreline. Foam bubble lay boarded at the brink of the surfs reach until the tide would push them or take them back. As we walked along the sand in our sandals, we walked up to the side-walk, desiring to escape the unstable sands. We travelled on until we came across the pontoon, a docking station, of sorts, for incoming and outgoing speedboats. Walking to the edge and looking out across the soft green waters, a speedboat was entering.

The following event served as a spiritual experience to which I would not soon forget. For within the foaming wake of the boat, were three, maybe four dolphins. Their fins crested the water’s surface for brief moments, prior to raising their snouts up into the sun. Jagged teeth, impressive though not frightening glinted with pearlescent fragments caught their reflections. We watched as the speedboat came to slow, and finally dock at the edge of the pontoon. Then, to my surprise, one of the dolphins saw me and my mother and began to swim over.

I was worried for a moment, fearing that the dogs we had at our sides would cause them disturbance, but they were oddly silent. The beautiful creature swam over to me, and instinctively, I held out my hand. We did not touch, physically. The dolphin swam vertically, using its powerful tail fins to maintain balance in the water. As I watched in awe and amazement, as this was my first time that I had ever seen such a creature with my own eyes, I noticed a presence within me, and a presence within the Dolphin.

I watched it, for what seemed like an eternity trapped between the confines of half a minute, and it seemed to watch me. Our eyes made contact, this being, this avatar of nature had taken time from its race to swim over to me and greet me in the spirit of peace and well-being. I felt humbled, awed, inspired and accepted. The ambassador of another race, that we share this single world with had greeted me and paid respects to me. Immediately, I felt a myriad of sensations, all of which are difficult to describe. I became aware of myself, and as if all the messages I had been waiting for were suddenly delivered to me in one giant moment. Understand who you are, but more, understand what you are. I am a being of flesh, my mind is crafted through society and experience with others, but my soul is an innate force which is shared through the entirety of existence. Like a diamond refracting light, we are all the facets of one pure energy that is life itself, casting off in different directions, different paths, in different colours to shine on different surfaces, but One Light all the same.

This revelation is still carried with me today, even as I write this, I am moved by what I feel, see, hear and taste that is forged through the lens of humanity, and the human capacity to create, express, feel, interpret and discover.