This is a pastebin I really didn't want to have to make, but here we are.

My mental health really took a nosedive over the past week and I feel the worst I've felt in several years. I don't really want to talk about it, I do know what caused it but I don't want to talk about that either.

I need an extended break from streaming. I know I just took a break, said I was coming back, and didn't. Fact is, I have zero motivation to stream. I feel like it gives me nothing in my life. I feel like it's a crutch and it's keeping me from doing meaningful things in my life. I've been streaming for almost 6 years now and I feel like I haven't really developed or evolved as a person since the day I started, other than just feeling "more broken".

As far as I know, Diet HUTEfest is still going on. My involvement will me questionable at this point, I may consult on the games list and I'll likely be present for runs, but other than that I'm not too sure. I've talked to some of the mods and they all seem for keeping it running, and I'm still willing to host it on my channel.

The initial reason I started streaming/let's plays was because I was working a night shift, and it was something to do to fill my time. I'd planned on stopping when I went back to school for my 4th year but found it fun enough that I didn't. I started pushing people I cared about away and lost a lot of friends as a result. The past 5 years of my life I've basically been alone, and it's entirely my fault. I'm trying now to focus more on hanging out with friends and less on maintaining things online.

I've contacted a psychiatrist and hope to get booked in for an appointment soon. I've suspected for years that I have moderate to severe ADHD and I believe this affects my life very negatively. The reason I think this is I have a hard time motivating myself to do difficult tasks, I'm extremely impulsive and impatient, and have extremely poor planning skills. I don't want to "WebMD" myself but these are all textbook ADHD signs and I'm going to talk with someone to see if that's it, or there's something else, or maybe I'm making it all up. Either way, I don't think it can hurt.

While I'm not streaming, I plan to do things to help get my life back on track. I want to take classes on basic adult functions I never learned how to do. Things like budgeting, cooking, I may take a painting class or something. I picked up a camera yesterday that was on sale and I'm probably going to enroll in a photography class. I want to get out and meet people and have hobbies and just be a fucking person for once, instead of this husk that just sits at home every day miserable.

I don't know if I'll ever be back. My discord server and twitter will remain open and I'll still be at least somewhat active on there, however I won't be streaming on twitch, at least for a while. Not until I get my life back on track. I desperately need to.

I don't expect you to understand but I appreciate anyone who took the time to read this. I feel incredibly lucky as someone who streamed for 6 years, and don't consider myself to have any people who are "fans", only "friends". I've met so many amazing people through twitch and speedrunning and I plan to try to keep those relationships with people as best I can. Thank you all for everything, I can safely say that I wouldn't be here without any of you.

Lylat