The truth about my speedrunning career

I wake up. I feel the cool breeze of the horrible non delfino air slide across my face. I wonder, how can I escape this cruel world without shrine sprites or going >>>FAST<<<? Little did I know that this simple question could change the course of my life forever.

At that exact moment, an evil wizard named Chibi casts a horrible spell on me so that he could control my every move with a gamecube controller. He presses L and I slowly am levitated out of my seat. Upwards and upwards until I reach the ceiling. He walks into my room and boots up my wii while I am still stuck against the ceiling. "No chibi please! Don't make the video games take over my life once again!" but he just laughs and keeps me pinned to the ceiling. He inserts Super Mario Sunshine, my favorite childhood game into the console and releases the L button so that I fall into my DXRacer brand chair. He ties me down so that I cannot escape.

My life has been taken over. I exist only to play Mario. The evil wizard tells me that one day when I have every world record for the fastest completion of Super Mario Sunshine I will be allowed to leave my chair and be a normal human, but I am not sure if there is any truth to that.

I am a speedman now. Nothing more, nothing less. Please retweet to spread awareness of this horrendous fate. One like = one prayer for good RNG so that one day I may be set free.