Thread 25: Stories 16-30

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>Chrysalis
"Celestia"
~~~~~~~

>DAMN IT ALL!

"Oh, what now?"

>Ah, was planning on trying to get Shiny to 'reward' me for fixing his sister, but he's off getting ready for some other adventure with the smoke monster, pink idiot and your sister. I just wanted a date! We didn't even have to do stuff... though I totally would have expected something, you can't just leave a mare hanging like that.

"As always, a fool proof plan."

>Hey, my plans are actually smart if I want them to be.

"...Okay, fine, yes, you CAN plan stuff out fairly well, I will concede that. I will concede that you beat me at the wedding, you pulled off the heart thing well, and you have an okay track record besides."

>Thank you.

"Exceeeppt... Kind of all falls apart in the end, doesn't it?"

>...Well, yeah, okay. Sometimes.

"All the time. It always falls apart at the end. You died once because of it."

>I didn't actually die... just almost.

"You always mess up a single detail, or multiple details, and it all just crumbles apart. Unlike my plans, which tend to end well."

>A touch of bad luck is hardly cause to say I am in some way lesser.

"No, but your utter failure at the wedding is a means to say such."

>...I wouldn't say 'utter'.

"I would."

>Yes, well, you're just bitter.

"I do not see myself a fighter, your victory means no-"

>Oh no, not about that... about, well... the leadup.

"..."

>Oh yeeees, it's clicking with you now, isn't it? Regardless of whether or not I won Canterlot, there's no denying I got a certain other victory before that ever happened at all. A victory all over your guest bedroom's sheets. Among other places.

"..."

>Regardless of his... 'hindered' performance, I assure you he enjoyed himself. Too bad you could never have him like that, isn't that right? Please, try not to make your jealousy too obvious.

"...Jealousy? Please. You have a few nights of drained passion, I have a lifetime of getting to know him on a personal level. I have nights of him telling me how much I mean to him, and everyone else. I have someone who cares enough about me to face a monster taller than my castle, and do it without blinking. I have someone who knows when I am sad, and wishes me happy. Jealous? Hah, we both know you are the one who is jealous, Chrysalis, and we both know why."

>...And just why is that?

She drew in close, right next to the Queen's ear.

"He loves me more than he does you."

With a flippant smirk, she spun on her gold clad hooves, and regally walked away.

Behind her, the Queen could only glare...

And try not to let the idea she was right work it's way into her mind.
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>Suckerpunch
"AJ41"

Pony and changeling circle each other in the drill yard, their bodies tense, their eyes locked, every bit of their body language denoting a clash between heated rivals. Their actual language in the other hand...

>So how was the pizza?

"Great, didn't know ponies could make pepperoni."

>That's Palomino Bros. for you, they cater to everybody.

They leap at one another, exchanges of hooks and jabs deflected and dodged until the two end up in a tight clinch and incidentally bump noses. They blink, their glares turning to awkward looks in directions other than their rival's.

"..."

>...

"So uh...we should probably address the elephant in the room..."

>The dream?

"Yeah. That."

>Yeah...so you and me have the exact same fight in the exact same dream that ends in the exact same way.

"Because we make it do that."

>Yep...and we do it for the same reasons.

"..."

Slowly the two let up on the clinch, returning to circling, but less certain, their postures less primed for combat.

>We are some very weird people, aren't we?

41 kicks at the dirt awkwardly.

"It's just...I dunno, I try to get a fight going in the ballroom and it's always 'Hey 42, where's your helmet?' or 'Ooh, Fighterjack #2 wants to fight, how original'. Only time those jerks actually fight when it's over something stupid like 49's dumbass stories, and the rest of the guards would rather just ignore me.

>What about 42 or 77? Or even PJ? They seem like they'd give you a fight if you wanted it.

"Yeah, but I don't wanna die, you see. I don't see you picking fights with Lil Filly Boom Boom or the Dragon."

>Point. So you want a fight you can win, but if one of us wins, that may settle things and there wouldn't be a point.

"Yeah, that...that about covers it."

>Well, only one way to find out.

41 blinks as Suckerpunch looks upward, all but presenting his chin.

"Uh..."

>C'mon, knock me out like a light, I can take it. Then if you feel like it's not the same after, you can walk away, I won't judge.

"..."

She walks up to him, brow furrowed...

...and hugs him.

"I think I like the mystery better. Besides, you know I'd scramble your brains if I landed that shot, then you'd be even more irritating to talk to."

Suckerpunch smiles.

>Wanna go catch a movie? They got the Moose Lee biography playing downtown.

"Hell yeah! Let's go!"

41 runs off...then comes back.

>Don't know where it is?

"Yep."

>I need to get you a map, or a leash.

"Shaddup."
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>Cheerliee
"Demon"
'???'
~~~~

>Alright, this has gone on long enough!

"Just leave, vile handler! Leave me to stew within the darkness from whence I came!"

>Okay, I would LOVE to do that, really I would, i would not mind at all if you remained in your dark little corner of hell forever more. But you are not in your dark little corner, you are under a seat, on a train, NOT NEAR PONYVILLE. You see my problem? You see why I can't just let you go off where ever? I have to get you out of the train first.

"...I like it here."

>Okay, no. You're an arch-demon, right? Scourge who once fought in the grand pits of hell? Why won't you get out of there?

"...I like it down here."

>What could possibly, and I do mean POSSIBLY, be so intimidating to you that you would hide under a seat?

"...I like it here-"

'ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!? What do you mean 'no, we don't serve kernels here'!? What kind of bullshit establishment is this!'

>...Why did you just start shaking?

"N-no reason..."

'Stow him!? STOW MY HOOF UP YOUR ASS!'

'No reason at all...'
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NC
>42
"18"
~~~~~

>Really? You took pictures of him in the shower?

"I didn't, Chrysalis did. I am merely withholding them from her as punishment. The enjoyment I may or may not illicit from these photographs is of no consequence in the grander scheme of things."

>He's always naked anyway, why would that....

"...Juuuust starting thinking about Shiny's nakedness, didn't you?"

>N-NO! I DIDN'T! BECAUSE HE'S ALWAYS NAKED IT DOESN'T MATTER! I mean, Cadence is naked too! Nobody every points out that she's not wearing anything!...

"...Your eyes are kind of trailing off-"

>I AM SO CONFUSED!

"What? About what?"

>NOTHING!

"Okay, Punchbug, you're worrying me-"

>ALL IS FINE! CONTINUE GOING ABOUT YOUR DAY, CITIZEN!

"...Wha-"

>OH MY LOOK AT THE TIME!

*WINDOWCRASH!*

"...Okay, even *I* don't get what the hell just happened there."
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>Pennydrop
"Salespony"
~~~~~

>What the... where did this sudden burst of revenue come from?

"Oh! Uh, well, you remember with the GryphonX97 models? How we wanted them to carry some bombs, but they kept slipping?"

>Yeah?

"You remember how we solved that problem?"

>Some kind of holder, right?

"Yeah, specifically an adhesive one you could release with a push of a button."

>Oh sweet Celestia, you're selling out bomb holders!? We'll be discovered you fool!

"...Well, I mean, we're not selling the holders as, like, bomb holders."

>Well, what are we selling them as!?

"...Cup holders. You just, like, stick it to any surface you want, and you have a cup holder. Works on carts, couches, chairs... pretty much anywhere you have a flat surface about the size of a coin or larger."

>...Oh....

"Yeah, they're selling really well."

>...Sooo-

"So, yes. We've got more funding for the damn airships."

>Excellent!

"Yeah, I figured you'd like that."
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>Shiny
"Cadence"
'Twilight'
-???-
---------
>I cannot believe we are doing this.
"Hey, just because Auntie is chief crazy doesn't mean we dont enjoy this stuff too!
'Yeah! Besides, this'll be a great opportunity to see how much stronger you've gotten physically, how much Cadence has grown magically, and how better I've got at flying! It's a win-win-win!'
>I have to admit it's a nice change of pace to not be in any immediate danger during one of these activities.
'Heck yeah it is! Now remember to throw us from this balcony as hard as you can.'
"Yep, we can take whatever you throw us at!"
>Alright, if you're sure.
>3...2...1...WIFE-AND-LSBFF-TOSS!
"'THAT'S STILL LAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaammmm...'"*Twinkle*

>Hmph. They dont hear me criticizing their names for thi*BOOM*

>.....


Meanwhile, in canterlot.

-A shooting star in the middle of the day?-
-I should probably tell the maids to get ready, my sister only did those when she was on a real bender.-
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>42
"Cadence"
~~~~~

>Cadence, I'm just going to come outright and ask it. Why are you sitting at the desk shoving your face full of cake?

"I WILL GET A BIGGER ASS!"

>Ah. Was hoping for "I'm doing paperwork."

"You're funny. Point is, Applejack started and her booty has exploded is size! And then there's Auntie Celestia, and Auntie Luna, even Twilight grew a little bit! You know what they all have in common?"

>An affinity for magical jewelery to solve their problems?

"No! They all eat cakes, and sit at their desks. Well, that's what I'm going to do!"

>Cadence, you don't need to enlarge your posterior. Who, exactly, are you trying to impress? Shiny's pretty well in the 'won' category, I don't think you need to do anything special.

"But look at it, 42! Look at my flat plot! It's tiny! I have a tiny ass!"

>...

"Oh, it's just not fair! I'm an alicorn too! Why does everyone else get a bigger ass? Look at mine! It's nothing compared to theirs!"

>...

"Sigh, you're right, I'm being silly. I mean, it's not the tiniest or anything, it's an okay booty."

>...Y-yeah...

"You know what? You're right, I need to stop being self-conscious so much. Shiny still loves how it feels when he... Oh! Sorry about that."

>...G-go on...

"You're right. I just need to go be me, and add on some more makeup. I'd rather they looked at my face instead of my ass anyway! Thank's 42, I feel so much better!"

>...A-a-annny time.

"Thanks again, 42... but I think you need to take it easy with the training, your nose is bleeding pretty bad."

>...L-lucky shot.

"Ah, well, I'm sure you gave just as good. Later, 42!"

>.......... I-I still see it.......Wwwwhhhhyyyyyyy........
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"Twilight"
>Chrysalis

"Hey Chrysalis, thanks for coming. I just felt like I needed to talk with you about this. Ya know, make sure that this is a good idea that isn't going to blow up in everyone's face.

>Why yes, Twilight. Airborne aphrodisiacs are a brilliant idea. I take twelve.

"...No. And it probably wouldn't have the effect you're thinking of on him anyway. Also, ew."

>A girl can dream. So, what's the real issue.

"It's to do with the cordyceps."

>Progress I hope.

"Of a sort. From the very few records I've found and your stories, it seems to be fungal. Unfortunately anything useful will require a live sample to develop. Including anything like a cure.

>So you really wouldn't be able to work on a cure until after it shows up again? That's not very helpful.

"That's why early detection is vital. If there's any out there, we need to find and contain it as soon as possible. If manage to find it before any of your hive are infected, while most of them are still here in Canterlot, I might be able to develop and treatment, or even something like a vaccine before they are exposed.

>...You're thinking about telling everyone."

"A basic health alert so that ponies, especially on the frontier, will know to report any spores or strange fungal growths. If any is found, we'll have our sample and we'll know to not let any changelings near there."

>Now's my turn to say no.

>Your people didn't know it for what it was. They just saw a strange disease that randomly killed some ponies. They didn't know that they were really changelings or that only changelings can be infected. But now they know about us.

>Ok, it hasn't been all bad. I'll admit it. But even on the best of days most ponies still don't trust us. What do you think they'll think about an announcement of a disease that targets changelings?

"Not worry about it?"


>Oh wonderful naive Twilight Sparkle. They are going to think that we're carriers. That we already have the disease and that we'll give it to them. That we need to rounded up and burned immediately.

"Our ponies wouldn't ..."

>Can't even finish that sentence, can you?

"You know that you are taking a big risk if no one is looking for it. And obviously your changelings can't do it"

>Maybe, but I'd be taking a bigger one to draw more negative attention to my hive.

"Can we at least tell Celestia and Shiny? They might know a way to monitor things quietly."

>For the moment, I'll just take my chances. It's been a hundred years since the last known case anyway.

"You really think either of them would hurt any of you?"

>Not really no. Well, Celestia maybe. But probably not. She'd probably just lock them all up and I don't want to panic Shiny into doing something silly like shutting down everything in the Crystal Empire to keep it out.

"Alright. I keep an ear out for anything strange I guess and inspect them all personally. That will probably take a while though, if anypony even thinks to report anything. But if I do find anything, please tell them. Caging your hive may be harsh, but it may also be their best chance at survival.

>And if I don't? You going to run off and mama on me?

"Ha ha. But no. You trusted me with this. I guess this is my turn to trust you. Just, consider it. Please.

>We'll see what happens.

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>32
"Roach"
'Golem'

>Right, so, just what are we going to call you, new friend?

'...'

>You're small...you're made of crystal...you can't talk...

"*chitter*"

>No no, that wouldn't work. It should probably be something gender-neutral, gotta cover my bases here.

'...'

>Yeah, you're right, the number thing is played out. Iggy? It'd be short for Igneous.

'...'

>You really think someone else seriously has that name? Eh, oh well. Seddy...no, that's a stretch at best. I may be attacking the wrong front here.

"...*chitter*."

>I'll take that one under advisement. Hmm...I may need a book for this. Q? Q. You are now Q, short for Quartz? That sound good?

-...*tink*-

>Great, welcome to the family, Q. The horribly impoverished dysfunctional family.

"*chitter*"

>Thorax can leave the corner when he stops being a little racist!
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>42
"42's brain"
'???'
~~~~~

>Brain? It's me, 42. We need to talk.

"Sure, what's up?"

>Okay, I'm going to come outright and say it... what has been up with you lately?

"Don't get what you mean?"

>No no, you know what I mean, you're brain.

"That doesn't mean I know everything."

>You know what? Fine, I'll humor you. What's up with the nosebleeds?

"You always get those with Shiny."

>Yes, I know, we've established this, because weird feelings, glad we're on the same page here. But you haven't been doing them for Shiny recently, have you?

"Haven't I?"

>No. No you have not.

"Huh."

>And you've also made me start stuttering again. I thought we were working on this?

"Hey, doing what I can here."

>Okay, look. What changed? What happened here recently?

"Accessing files... looks liiiiike.... recently Spike and your Queen almost set off Changeling War 2 and got you kicked out of the Empire, but Cadence intervened. It has sense been discovered that during the conversation, Cadence mentioned it would destroy her if you had to leave."

>Riiiiight?

"Looks like upon hearing Cadence did this, you felt... feelings."

>Explain feelings.

"That's your job, I'm just the brain."

>Damn it, you had one job!

"Yeah, store info. You're the one who processes it."

>I'm docking your pay!

"Well then, at least you'll have money to pay for the therapy 18 is going to send you to."

>Why would she....

'...'

>...I've been sitting here talking to myself, haven't I?

'No, you've been sitting there, making gestures and grunting, which is somehow more worrying.'

>...YOUSAWNOTHING!

*CRASH!*

'REPLACING A WINDOW COSTS MONEY YOU KNOW!'
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NC addition
~~~~~

>..So, about that one dream....

"Which one?"

>You know the one.

"Oh.... no fucking idea, honey. You might need to see someone."

>If you can find someone who could analyze "swimming in ice cream that makes me feel all hot and bothered" without making it a revelation that will send me into spasms, I would love to hear it.

"..."

>Thought so.
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>Twilight
"Chrysalis"
~~~~~

>Okay, what's wrong with this idea?

"...You really want me to say it?"

>YES!

"Fine, this spell is supposed to make crops grow, right? Help end hunger?"

>Yes...

"Well, okay, let's ignore for a second that someone could use this magic on, say, an apple with a bunch of nails in it and make giant nail bombs, let's ignore that. Let's also ignore you could use it on rotten or poisonous stuff and make chemical weaponry-"

>I feel like we can stop there-

"-but even ignoring that, won't this cause massive inflation and make all fruits unbelievable cheap? To the point where you could buy a house sized one for a bit?"

>...

"...How do I know more about economics than you!?"

>How do you know what economics ARE!?

"That's a fine question seeing as I didn't have a standard currency before I came here, or a bartering system or the like."

>...Are those coffee flavored toffees?

"...OHHH it says COFFEE toffee, I thought it was toffee toffee."

>...

>What? I'm sure they make those.

"..."

>...Damn, I'm sane enough to know how stupid that sounds.
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>Dash
"Discord"
~~~~~~

>DISCORD!

In a flurry of kitten shaped brownies and cotton candy, he appeared.

"You rang, oh "Awesome" one?"

>Yeah. Listen, I know this is going to sound weird, but could you make me-

"No. I will not make you a sandwich, a nice dinner, a map beyond space and time nor an alicorn."

>...

"Last one, wasn't it?"

>Well, I mean, yeah. Celestia won't, but you made Fluttershy-

"I made my dearest Fluttershy and Alicorn out of the deep bonds of our relationship as friends. Why, just the thought of her feeling inferior to boring old Applejack for even a moment broke me into a million pieces! I'd feel as small as a mouse!"

To punctuate his point, he suddenly gained a million or so extra pieces, and then grew to the size of a house.

>Still, I mean, we're kind of friends, right?

"Ohh, what's this really about?"

>...I'm worried they're gonna leave me behind.

"My Little Dashie! How bizarre a thought! You, of all ponies, worried about being left in the dust? Perish the thought!"

>Well, I mean, they're all getting bigger and bigger, and I'm...

"You're the head of the Wonderbolts!"

>I'm the head of a band of celebrities who were not been present for a single one of the major threats to the world before I showed up. They were self entitled, lazy assholes.

"In other words, a perfect fit!"

>...See, this is why we don't hang out.

"Ohhh, you know I don't mean it! Well, tell you what, I made a promise to dear Celestia that I would not make a single Alicorn more. If you can convince her otherwise, well, how can I say no?"

>You mean it?

"Cross my heart. See?"

>...Put that back.

"Look at it! It's crossed!"

>Still... thanks.

"Well now... that's what friends are for, after all."
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>AJ
"RD"
'Twi'
[Rarity]
{FS}
(Pinkie)
~~~
>So, whose up for bitchin' 'bout our jobs? Chrysalis has gone an' decided ta keep slippin' in fake bills jus' ta piss me off!

[I need to work with a limited budget to provide for various charities in Equestria]

'I'm constntly worried without chrysalis pissing me off I'm going to unleash some nightmare on Equestria from toiling in the domain of the gods!'

(I have to cater to Celestia's cake demands! And yet I still hold little relevance to the plot!)

"Well, how about this? My job involves finding out my childhood heroes are a bunch of self-entitled bastards who do jackshit these days, I have to clean up after their mess, I get no appreciation for my efforts because, honestly I don't deserve any because my job holds no relevance to Equestria and I pretty much never see you guys. The only thing I've done right is try to help scootaloo and get Gilda and Lightning Dust into the ranks! Anyone got tops for that?"

{... Well it's not me. Am I the only one happy with what I do?}

(I actually like my job too, I just didn't wanna be left out.)

[Well, Dashie, I guess you do with this round..]

"Yay, what do I win? A bullet to the head?"

>How 'bout a hug from friends an' a promise ta git ya'll some help?

"Honestly, I'd be happy with just the hug at this point"

Group hugs!
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>32
"Q"
'Reginald'

>Alright you two, we need to address the elephant in the room, and I'm not talking about the issue of Babar the Barbarian I convinced the dragon to slip me last time he was down here.

"..."

>I will agree that the fight between him and the Queen Mother of Rhinopolis was a work of art, but we need to focus here. Q, buddy, let's be honest, you're on shaky ground.

"...?"

>Oh no, we're cool, it's the others I'm worried about. My estranged siblings and the ponies. To me, you're a trusted confidant and friend. To them, you're a dangerous object I have access too. Now I know you for a fact to be a gentlerock and a scholar, and would never agree to weaponize yourself, but they don't know you like me.

"...?"

>Aw that's sweet of you to say, but we need to find a way to make you look as innocuous as possible.

'...'

>No! Just...what!? What is up with you and that today? Hivemind above, Reggie...

"...!"

>Right, yes! Sorry, Q, we need to you look...unspectacular, inanimate, y'know? Yeah, you know.

"..."

>You can?

"...*tink*"

>Well do it, I need to see this!

"..."

The little golem stands up and briefly pulses, before collapsing into a small formation of crystals, devoid of all magic light.

>...wow...

'*chitter*'

>Thorax can NOT do that, stop trying to steal Q's thunder.

Q, as fast as it did before, returns to its original form, cocking its head questioningly.

"...?"

>Yes, that will do nicely! Alright, now we're all safe until they decide to send exterminators in here.

'*CHITTER*!?'

>Oh I'm teasing, take a chill pill.
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