Sister, firstly, I would advise you not to do anything you might end up regretting for the rest of your life. As you mentioned, you are only 15 years old. Please take this advice with a grain of salt because there is a lot to unpack, and I don’t know your entire story or life situation.

Secondly, you said you “left Islam.” However, just because someone doesn’t practice Islam doesn’t necessarily mean they are no longer Muslim. There are specific conditions that cause a person to leave Islam. My advice is that, since you are a recent revert who is facing backlash from your parents, it might not be wise to tell them about your faith before you fully learn about it yourself. It could be better to practice in seclusion for the time being.

Thirdly, take small steps towards becoming righteous again. You don’t have to return to every single practice you used to follow all at once.

Fourthly, from a psychological standpoint, you don’t have to be in a relationship to be happier. As someone who has had several relationships, I’ve noticed that most people use haram relationships as a means to fill a deeper void or pain. It’s better to resolve that pain first—and I’m not necessarily saying that this is your reason. You might argue it’s about “attraction,” but if you examine it logically, that argument can quickly fall apart. Since you are 15, the likelihood of your current relationship leading to marriage is relatively low. Reflect on this, especially as your brain is still developing and will continue to do so until at least age 21. Is meaningless pleasure worth pursuing?

Another common trap is the fear of missing out: feeling you must participate in something because everyone else does, often out of curiosity. Here’s a small quote on that:

“People often repeat mistakes despite knowing better. This cyclical behavior stems from human traits like curiosity, defiance, and the desire to forge one’s path, which often lead to rediscovery rather than consistent improvement.”

Islamically, this question can be answered more thoroughly than I can here—such as asking why you’re prioritizing temporary fun over God’s approval, or considering whether an arranged marriage is a viable option. Maybe you’re grappling with attraction, but if you study it, you’ll learn that love is largely a chemical reaction in the brain and can be managed.

Fifthly, you mentioned feeling “disgust.” The distinction between shame and guilt is important: shame is destructive, while guilt can guide you toward the right path—namely, seeking genuine forgiveness and doing your best not to repeat mistakes. Unless you literally meant “disgust,” which can also apply in certain contexts. Some actions are objectively immoral and disgusting—such as premarital sex—and you don’t need religion to recognize them as such.

It appears you’ve encountered cognitive dissonance: “I could have both; I don’t know.” This suggests you’re seeking an answer that justifies having it both ways. Cognitive dissonance arises when your behavior and beliefs don’t match, causing serious discomfort until you change one or the other.

Feel free to reply if you’d like to continue the discussion. I believe I’ve addressed most of your points, but if you have any further questions or need more explanation, I’m here to help.