Life is hard

I wrote this pastebin in frustration and exhaustion, so apologies if the language seems a bit charged.

I live with pain and fatigue on a daily basis. I've seen doctors off and on for about 8 years now for it, so I've tried getting help, but nothing has been permanent in fixing it. To list, I have chronic migraines, fibromyalgia, vertigo, and general fatigue. There's other things too, but I haven't listed them because I'm not currently dealing with those associated pains right now (like depression and anxiety).

Ideally, I'd love to have a job where I can work from home on my own schedule and make enough money to support the family, but my health and life's realities are making that near impossible to a degree. I've tried streaming more to hopefully build some habit of either working another job or making enough money (somehow) through streaming, but I don't foresee either of those as possibilities, given my energy. I've also tried learning other skills, like drawing and coding, but again it's an issue of being a reliable worker where I could do any of those things consistently.

To give you a general idea of what's going on and insight into my life, here's my schedule each day:

8-9am – Wake up, get kids and wife ready for day, feed Jr 1, shower, take medicine, eat breakfast, take medicine for headache/migraine, if needed.

9-11am – Put a movie on for Jr 1. Rock Jr 2 to sleep best that I'm able. Manage between rocking and keeping blood in arm. Unable to stand and rock for fear of falling, so need to sit down and rock which is sometimes unacceptable to Jr 2. Sometimes play games while rocking if both kids are pacified.

11-12:30pm – Entertain kids a little longer, hopefully with something for them to do. If one kid cries, do best to calm down; if both kids are crying, then basically shutdown and wait for wife to come home to help. Get kids lunch. Get myself lunch. Try to rebuild some energy.

12:30-2:30pm – Try to stream, but most likely my energy is so exhausted that I can barely use a computer at first, much less with a baby in my arms. Listen to Jr 1 cry on the baby monitor and do things he's not supposed to. Try to get Jr 2 to calm down, but by the point she has calmed down I need to put her down to check on Jr 1 because he's pooped and/or is getting into something he really shouldn't be getting into. After changing Jr 1, leave him in his room again where he proceeds to cry some more. Jr 2 is also crying from being put down on the floor for checking on Jr 2, so I need to try to calm her down again. I might have sanity left to stream some more, but probably not. If I do though, I continue to stream with minimal interaction (thankful for the interaction I actually do get), playing a game that I'm probably unfamiliar with, which can also be a bit stressful and exhausting.

2:30-3:00pm – Keep Jr 2 entertained, close up stream, get myself a bit more food and water because I'm super exhausted. Tend to migraine again, since it's been about 6 hours since I took medicine.

3:00-pm-5:00pm – Wife comes home to feed Jr 2 and take care of Jr 1. Too much for her on her own, so I try to help where I'm able with what sanity I have left. Sometimes I take a break from kids, but I can't really manage it when I can hear them while wife is doing all the work taking care of them, after having gone to work for 6 hours doing what she could.

5:00-6:30pm – Get ready for dinner, which wife cooks 90% of the time. Kids are demanding attention or getting into things they shouldn't be, so I'm wrangling all the meanwhile. Sometimes have to put on a show for Jr 1 (even though he's had enough screentime for today) because he won't be entertained otherwise. Jr 2 needs to be held most of the time, but sometimes she can sit in the baby seat without incident. I forgot to mention that we will stress about planning dinner or actually having energy to make dinner (either of us). We eat dinner together. Jr 1 refuses to eat anything or eats at about 2 bites per hour.

6:30-7:00pm – Bedtime for Jr 1. Go into a routine where we get pajamas on Jr 1, get him changed into a clean diaper, and try to help ease him into sleep (get him to clean up stuff, etc.). Hope that he sleeps, but instead he'll usually scream.

7:00-10:00pm – Actual rest time unless Jr 1 is still screaming. Rest time involves keeping Jr 2 calm while wife and I watch shows together, maybe. Usually interrupted by one or both kids.

10:00-10:30pm – Get ready for bed and try to sleep. Without medication, I'd be too stressed to sleep, or the migraine will be so bad that I can't physically fall asleep because of the pain of my head on a pillow.

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On one hand, we are incredibly blessed to have a home, to be in decent financial standing, to have two beautiful kids and to have each other. On the other hand, I hardly have the stamina each day to have a reliable schedule to go off of for holding a job. I do want to have a job again (not in customer service hell), but I don't have any reliable health to say that I could keep a job.

I'm probably gonna stop streaming (again) for a bit, or I'm gonna change up the schedule. More details to follow if I can change it up.

Life is hard. I'm sure it's harder for you. I guess I'm just hoping for some sympathy and willing to sympathize in return. That's all. Hope you're all having a good day.