It all started when our over-heralded star, Michael O'Neil, woke up in a magical cornfield. It was the eighth time it had happened. Feeling really stunned, Michael O'Neil punched a gerbil, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Like a drunken sailor at happy hour, he realized that his beloved girl was missing!  Immediately he called his former cellmate, Zach Blair. Michael O'Neil had known Zach Blair for (plus or minus) 11 minutes, the majority of which were curious ones.  Zach Blair was unique. He was outgoing though sometimes a little... pestering. Michael O'Neil called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

   Zach Blair picked up to a very mad Michael O'Neil. Zach Blair calmly assured him that most 3-legged wallabies yawn before mating, yet South American hissing sloths usually exotically panic *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Michael O'Neil.  Why was Zach Blair trying to distract Michael O'Neil?  Because he had snuck out from Michael O'Neil's with the girl only five days prior.  She was an eccentric little girl... how could he resist?

   It didn't take long before Michael O'Neil got back to the subject at hand: his girl. Zach Blair yawned. Relunctantly, Zach Blair invited him over, assuring him they'd find the girl. Michael O'Neil grabbed his hippopotamus and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Zach Blair realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the girl and he had to do it recklessly. He figured that if Michael O'Neil took the curb-jumping ghetto sled (Impala), he had to take at least three minutes before Michael O'Neil would get there.  But if he took the porsche?  Then Zach Blair would be abnormally screwed.

   Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Zach Blair was interrupted by eight oafish poptarts that were lured by his girl. Zach Blair sneezed; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling worried, he fearlessly reached for his gloves and deftly grabbed every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the secret vineyard, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief.  That's when he heard the porsche rolling up.  It was Michael O'Neil.

----o0o----

   As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Jim's House of Wings to pick up a 12-pack of carrots, so he knew he was running late.  With a heroic leap, Michael O'Neil was out of the porsche and went wildly jaunting toward Zach Blair's front door.  Meanwhile inside,  Zach Blair was panicking.  Not thinking, he tossed the girl into a box of dangerous oil-soaked rags and then slid the box behind his hammock. Zach Blair was stunned but at least the girl was concealed.  The doorbell rang.

   'Come in,' Zach Blair charismatically purred.  With a quick push, Michael O'Neil opened the door.  'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some abrasive coke fiend on a rice rocket,' he lied.  'It's fine,' Zach Blair assured him. Michael O'Neil took a seat wonderfully far from where Zach Blair had hidden the girl. Zach Blair shuddered trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness.  'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted.  But Michael O'Neil was distracted. Just as zero people expected Zach Blair noticed a pestering look on Michael O'Neil's face. Michael O'Neil slowly opened his mouth to speak.

   '...What's that smell?'

   Zach Blair felt a stabbing pain in his shin when Michael O'Neil asked this.  In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the girl right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what?  I don't smell anything..!'  A lie.  An annoying look started to form on Michael O'Neil's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's ripened avocados from when she used to have pet venomous koalas.  She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Michael O'Neil nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Zach Blair could react, Michael O'Neil recklessly lunged toward the box and opened it.  The girl was plainly in view.

   Michael O'Neil stared at Zach Blair for what what must've been two nanoseconds. Ever so extemperaneously, Zach Blair groped wildly in Michael O'Neil's direction, clearly desperate. Michael O'Neil grabbed the girl and bolted for the door.  It was locked. Zach Blair let out an exotic chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Michael O'Neil,' he rebuked. Zach Blair always had been a little dimwitted, so Michael O'Neil knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Zach Blair did something crazy, like... start chucking carrots at him or something. Unaware of the bleakness of existence, he threw the girl over his shoulders and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

   Zach Blair looked on, blankly. 'What the heck?  That seemed excessive.  The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Michael O'Neil. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame four days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Michael O'Neil. 'Oh.  You ..okay?' Still silence. Zach Blair walked over to the window and looked down. Michael O'Neil was gone.

----o0o----

   Just yonder, Michael O'Neil was struggling to make his way through the secret vineyard behind Zach Blair's place. Michael O'Neil had severely hurt his double chin during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength.  Another pack of feral poptarts suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the girl.  One by one they latched on to Michael O'Neil.  Already weakened from his injury, Michael O'Neil yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed.  The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of poptarts running off with his girl.

   But then Zeus came down with His congenial smile and restored Michael O'Neil's girl. Feeling frustrated, Zeus smote the poptarts for their injustice.  Then He got on His rice rocket and bolted away with the fortitude of 153 legless puppies running from a enormous pack of Indonesian devil cats. Michael O'Neil vomited with joy when he saw this. His girl was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in ten minutes his favorite TV show,  Game of Thrones, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When spotted wolf gremlins meet bloody glove'). Michael O'Neil was contented. And so, everyone except Zach Blair and a few weapons of mass destruction-toting hamsters lived blissfully happy, forever after.