Owl anon getting dragged along on one of I.M.Ps part 3

from /hhg/ Helluva Hazbin general #787 and #789
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part 1: h ttps://pastebin.com/qdvmgEGN
part 2: h ttps://pastebin.com/eJmZRkdp

>There's a split second of silence
>Then, utter chaos

>Another shot rings out
>And another, and another
>Random objects scattered around the dusty lot burst and shatter as stray rounds hit them
>Through it all, screaming
>Constant screaming
>The cultists begin screaming
>The false prophet likewise starts shouting
>From behind you, you can hear an extremely fey and high pitched voice screaming as well, and it takes you a moment to realize it belongs to Blitzo
>M&M's voices join him shortly after
>You turn around in time to see the trio of imps come tumbling out of the undergrowth where they were hiding, still shouting, still slinging bullets this way and that
>Did everyone just suddenly lose thei-

>OW!

>MOTHERFKER!

>You swat your hand down on a fresh patch of searing pan
>That stupid good-for-nothing hitman clipped you!
>You draw your hand back to check how badly you're bleeding
>And find yourself looking at a decidedly inhuman talon, flecks of down sticking to the nearly-black blood
>The cultists' shrieking redoubles
>Crap
>You accidentally dropped your human disguise
-
>"In Christi nomine adducite mihi caseus carnis!"

>Ack!
>Who's splashing water on you?!

>"Esse abiit mali spiritus!"

>Oh
>Of course
>It's the cult leader
>He's waving around a little bottle with some meaningless arcane symbols scrawled on it

>"Redire ad Infernum!"

>And babbling at you

>"Condimentum piscium barbam negat ais!"

>What the fk is he saying?
>You think he's speaking that one mortal language
>The one all those sinners from...Reme? Rome? That one empire. It's the language they speak.
>Except his pronunciation is all wrong and half of what he's saying is nonsense
>What's he on about?

>"In stabulis sunt contra nos!"

>You get another dash of water to the beak and he switches to modern english

>"The power of Christ compels you!"

>Oh for Satan's sake...

>"THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!"

>...he's trying to exorcise you
--------
>Ouch

>"Emo decem libras, et ut in undecimo libero!"

>Okay some of that water got in your eyes this time

>"Non sunt calidum elit in odio!"

>Now you're really starting to get annoyed

>"Carthago delenda est!"

>Another rattle of gunfire from the direction of the imps makes you jump back
>What the fuck do they think they're doing?

>"Back to Hell whence you came, foul beast!"

>"Believe me, there's nothing I'd like more."
>"In fact if I had my way I'd be back down there already."
>"But unfortunately, due to circumstances beyond my control, that can't happen while you're still breathing."

>"Muria in medio et sinapi in summo!"

>Another spray of gibberish and another splash of musty tap water in your face
>Alrighty then, you've officially had it
>Forget what "Blitzy" said, you're ending this right now, and you're going home
>Let's see if this pompous wanna-be demon slayer can throw water in your face when he's been turned into a statue

>Okay

>Ummmm

>Alakazam?
-
>You give your limited mastery of magic a go, and the screaming suddenly takes on a much different tone

>"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

>Your would-be exorcist begins to scream bloody murder as about half of the arm he was using to sling "holy" water at you abruptly turns to solid rock, from fingertip to just above the elbow, leaving it flopping about uselessly from the remaining portion of them arm that still has nerves and muscle tissue in it as he flails about
>OOOOooohhhh crap, you only kinda-sorta got that spell right
>Perhaps realizing at last that all of his supposed divine powers are nothing but grandiose delusions, your would-be exorcist turns and attempts to flee
>He only makes it a single step before stumbling
>You managed to petrify one of his legs too
>He hurls curses at you as he attempts to drage himself away
>Something about divine retribution-this and holy vengeance-that and a few references to an archangel you've never heard of

>Okay, lets try this again...

>"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH-"
>*glulk*
>*glak*
>*glick*

>Oh jeez this is getting gross
>You got like half of his head and evidently a good bit of his vocal chords down in his neck with that one
>The false prophet whips back around to face you
>The one eye he still has that isn't a ball of unseeing rock regards you with...sort of nothing, really
>Not an accusatory look, not a look of fear or anger, just nothing
>Probably a good chunk of his brain is now rock too, so he can't really think anymore, he may as well be fully dead at this point
>Before his half-dead brain can form a final slurry of meaningless pomposity to hurl at you, one of the imp's stray rounds finally manages to hit something worth hitting

>A powerful round at that

>The partially-petrified supposedly-sanctified mortal abruptly explodes in a shower of hamburger, sandstone nuggets, and bloodstained flecks of mica

>Well then
>Mission accomplished?
-
>"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

>Ugh, more screaming
>This time from all the followers of the former-prophet, current-heap-of-raw-meat-and-gravel lying scattered at your feet

>"THE FINAL PROPHET IS SLAIN!"

>Yup
>Great observation there, really insightful

>"THE END TIMES ARE UPON US!"

>No they aren't you nimrods

>"THE DEMONS WILL FEAST UPON OUR SOULS!"

>Bitch, you wouldn't touch a single soul here with a friggin' ten foot pole, buzz off

>*click*

>*click*

>*clickclickclick*

>Uh-oh
>Evidently it just now occurred to these clowns to whip out their own arsenals
>Who sold this batch of unwashed inbreds all this weaponry?

>"WE MUST PAY OUR FINAL SACRIFICE!!!"

>Hold on now, lets not do anything too ra-

>*BANG*

>*BLAM*

>*BANGBANGBANG*

>...aaaaaand they all blew their brains out
>Just dandy
----
>Having FINALLY stopped shrieking, running about, and spraying bullets into the air at random, the trio of imps who dragged you into this mess in the first place manages to meet you halfway as you walk toward them
>All three of them are desperately out of breath, scuffed, and dusty
>They all give you a rather sheepish look as you come within speaking distance of one another
>Even Blitzo recognizes that they fucked up here

>"Okay, so, who wants to explain wh-"

>"BEES!"

>"Bees?"

>"BEES!"
>"EVERYWHERE!"
>"WE MUST HAVE BEEN SITTING ON THEM THE WHOLE TIME!"
>"AND AS SOON AS MOXXIE TURNED THAT BOLT ON THE RIFLE HE JOSTLED THE HIVE AND PISSED 'EM ALL OFF"

>"Sorry, Sir, but WHO was it who jostled the hive?"

>"It was you, pencil-dck"

>"So these memories I have of you plunging your elbow into the ground as you pulled the bolt back..."
>"...your elbow coming back covered in equal amounts of honey, wax, and angry bees..."
>"...you screaming like a little girl about how they were in your eyes and hurling yourself across the ground trying to get away from them..."
>"Those are all just vivid hallucinations caused by the massive quantity of bee venom currently in my system, right?"

>"Exactly, glad we're on the same page"

>Ugh

>"Well, either way, your target is dead, can we please go home now?"

>"Hold on now, we have to account for all these extra bodies. We were-"

>"Account for what?"
>"They were cultists."
>"Mortal cults kill themselves all the time."
>"Who's going to ask questions about that?"

>"Th-there is also the matter of you having used magic to attack the target, Your Highness."

>"So?"
>"What are the humans going to do?"
>"Open a bloody portal from their side and send down a squad to arrest me for misuse of sorcery?"

>"...I suppose not."

>"Great."
>"Call the hellhound up."
>"Get a portal open."
>"See if you can get her to let us out near the cafe, I'm thirsty."
----
>The other demons in the cafe shoot you odd looks at the dust and flecks of blood marring your regalia, but remain quiet
>You put your order in
>Hot drink in talon, you find a lightly trafficked sitting area near the back and take a seat
>You lean back in your chair and let out a long, slow sigh
>Peace and quiet
>At long last, peace and quiet

-END-

Probably gonna do another Fallen Exterminator next, even though I should probably get off my ass and finish my CUDdle story.