Coming clean? (Idk)

kat - Today at 11:04 PM
please
stop putting yourself in her shoes for a second
and put yourself in my shoes for a bit
here's the thing:
let's go back to a previous convo i had with her before
Frostdrift - 06/05/2018
you recognize right now that i wont be around as much as i was when we started spending time together, but i still love you a ton and i would never kick you out of my life?
kat - 06/05/2018
i do
Frostdrift - 06/05/2018
and probably most importantly
kat - 06/05/2018
i'll miss you
Frostdrift - 06/05/2018
that we're both to blame here, not just you
and we could spend all day beating ourselves up for this
or we could take steps to grow from those mistakes
and not let them drive us apart
id rather do the latter
kat - 06/05/2018
likewise
Frostdrift - 06/05/2018
can you forgive me, for putting you in this situation and letting you get used to a standard that i couldnt keep?
kat - 06/05/2018
yes
i forgive you
Frostdrift - 06/05/2018
and i forgive you, for pushing me harder than i was comfortable with and for offering the wrong kinds of help
so lets both grow from this, and not run away, okay?
kat - 06/05/2018
alright
here's a conversation i had with her a few weeks before we broke up
i acknowledged that she wouldn't be around as much, and i still acknowledge that today
but that's not the problem i'm having with her, andrew
i don't want her company everyday and i don't want her to invite me out
well i do, but i don't want it that badly or demand it right away, i would be fine without it for a bit
i mentioned that i already have dood to give me that kind of treatment, so i wouldn't expect it from her
there's nothing wrong with the way she is now, and she's doing just fine
there's just something wrong with me
my past haunts me to this day, and i subconsciously involve her in it
sure, it might be true that she needs to change a bit on her end, but change requires time and im full aware of that
im not entirely sure what's wrong with me, or why i act the way i do
everytime someone talks to me in a serious manner, i feel attacked
my mind immediately defaults to self-defense mode
because every time someone has talked to me in a serious manner, it mostly doesn't end well
so everytime we tried to have those conversations, i would experience that
my hands would start shaking as i typed
and due to the recent events that involved me breaking up with her,
i didn't get treated with the usual comfort that i should have received(edited)
i ended up acting in ways that i normally never acted, and i cried a lot more at things i shouldn't have cried at
these recent events have been very taxing on my mental health, and i can't think straight at this rate
so everytime she approaches me without compassion or kindness, my mind defaults to something beyond that self-defense mode
and yes, i have an inferiority complex lmao, i thought that was obvious
i even told her the first few days of talking that she wouldn't be happy if she kept being with me
and look where that ended up
it's why i don't let people get close to me, why i don't get close to them
because i know i'll end up hurting them and that they'll leave, and that cycle will repeat
so no, i don't expect anything from myself
the friendship i want to have with her is something i want in the near future
something that we can work on together, slowly but surely, without keeping track on the progress
it naturally evolves into a healthy friendship
so, what's been wrong with me lately?
i don't expect anything from her, nor do i want anything from her aside from her safety
and the 3 days she was gone, i was afraid something happened to her since she said she was leaving for the night and nothing more
i can't tell if it's my inferiority complex or if i'm just a terrible person
so basically, the problem here is me
i've known that for a while now' which is why i so desperately wanted her to not get close to me, because i knew i would hurt her
it's why i keep my distance from you, why i never do things with you, why i keep my distance from people in gp
not because i'm anti social, but because there's no way i could possibly sustain any type of friendship
and i'll always be this way, regardless of how much i don't want to
i'll never be able to be close to someone like i want, i'll never be able to experience a long lasting friendship
so, do you understand now?
nothing good comes from being with me
at the end of the day, i'm just a sorry excuse for a friend
i would believe that regardless of whether i met any of you or not
there you have it @Umbra Shilly