Memoirs of Steve

My name is Steve and I am a janitor at Chaldea, the last hope of humanity.

Now you may be wondering, 'Steve, how is it like to be at Chaldea? Is it wonderful? Terrifying? Difficult? It must be hard do be a janitor with all those heroes, villains and terrified mages.' and to all those questions, I would only be able to answer with a simple yet concise "Yes".

Because, while I'll admit a few servants are pants-shittingly terrifying, they mostly leave me alone. Because I clean the entire fucking facility, from day to night, with the help of some magic, a few of the nicer servants and automatons, I keep this whole place goddamned spotless and clean.

And apparently this actually puts me above some of the other staff in the eyes of the heroic spirits, in the same level as the cooks but a bit below any of the more notable people like the scary lass Gudako and that flake Romani. Mostly because a lot of heroic spirits are either inept at cleaning or cause a disaster every time they try, and the ones that can help are much better off trying to fix the damage their fellows cause on an almost hourly basis or can do stuff like cooking godly food.

But I'm getting ahead of myself here, I bet you're wondering if I know any juicy secrets of the servants and staff. You'd be right of course, but you'd be stupid to expect me to say something like Mash having terrible bed hair and bad temperament in the morning or how a lot of the scarier servants actually use eyeliner and practice faces to look intimidating when they think nobody's looking.

Because they would skin me alive again if they knew I blabbed, and man lemme tell you, having your skin regrown is a terrible experience, the burning pain of your skin reconnecting with your muscles is something else and the itching for weeks on end afterwards ain't pleasant either.

So I'll just keep my mouth shut and go on about my day.

Goodbye.

Day 27: Janitor