HeliAnon

Trying to survive (RGRE)

Mar 1st, 2016
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  1. >The scene playing itself out in the vast royal hall confused and astounded the ever living crap out of you.
  2. >”The vast Empire of the Changeling hordes will not acquiesce to your conditions!”
  3. >”Chrysalis the accord we struck three weeks ago was meant to end this dispute.”
  4. >You could see that Celestia was trying to do things diplomatically, even though the vein on the side of her head was beginning to throb, probably out of frustration.
  5. “Could I weigh in on this?” you asked hopefully, maybe you could somehow help end this squabble.
  6. >Two loud ”NO!!”s was the answer that got screamed in your general direction.
  7. >Both royals resumed their heated debate.
  8. >Relenting to giving the two their little “chat” you walked over to a set of chairs placed against a wall and sat down.
  9. >To tell the truth you didn’t really get why they were arguing at all.
  10. >And to think today was looking to be nice and peaceful day.
  11. >The day started almost like any other, you woke up, got some good breakfast, gave out some ear scratchies to random guards you passed.
  12. >Most of them were rather indignant about you doing something like that to them, but every time they began their little horse rants you could feel them pressing into your hand.
  13. >So yeah, it was only after you arrived at the throne room did you notice something different.
  14. >Mainly that there were two Changeling guards scowling at two of the royal guards and vice versa.
  15. >Neither even noticed you walk right past them an up to the set of large doors.
  16. >Opening the doors you saw two of your favorite horses in this crazy land of pastel equines.
  17. “Morning!” you called out cheerfully. Ever since your crazy arrival things managed to turn out for the better as far as the relations between the two races went.
  18. >The Changeling queen Chrysalis learned she could absorb all the love from you without the whole zombie slave side-effect.
  19. >A few negotiations later and it was decided that for the interest of the new peace treaty you would spend some time with the Changelings every month in order to supply them with their nutrition.
  20. >You didn’t mind at all, the ponies treated you well and the Changelings despite their oddness in all things were pretty adorable.
  21. >Especially after waking up from your first night there. You found yourself covered by at least twenty to thirty changelings’ cuddling you.
  22. >It seemed that the caves where the colony was located got pretty cold at night, and this was the Changeling way of keeping themselves warm.
  23. >Large snuggle piles.
  24. >So back to the present, Celestia was now making honking noises and flapping her wings at Chrysalis.
  25. >The bug Queen, was doing some weird crab shuffle while making clicking noises.
  26. >It’s going to be one of those days, you sighed at the implications of this realization.
  27. “Are you sure there’s nothing I can do to help.” You called out, it was worth trying again.
  28. >And Celestia honked at you.
  29. >Okay maybe not. Well you tried, looking around you noticed one scared looking guard standing a mere two feet from you.
  30. >His whole focus was on the two rulers as they continued their swan/crab thing.
  31. >Poor guy, getting stuck in the middle of this craziness.
  32. >Reaching up you began your assault on his exposed fuzzy ear. At first he froze from the unexpected contact.
  33. >It didn’t take long for him to relax, you also noted that his back right hoovsie started to kick back much like a dogs.
  34. >Your pops always said that idle hands were the devils playthings, or something like that.
  35. >Now it was a waiting game, hopefully the two pains in your butt would tire themselves out and you’d be able to finally get some answers as to what the hell is actually going on.
  36. >Looking away from the guard who’s eyes now glazed over from your assault on his ear, yo noted that Celestia stopped her wing flapping and honking.
  37. >Now she was making “caw’ing” calls like a crow, Chrysalis, not to be undone was hopping while hissing like a cat.
  38. >You’d give them another ten minutes or so.
  39. >Should you go and get veggie-burger or pizza for lunch? Decisions, decisions.
  40. >Looking down at your unoccupied hand you checked the time, welp it’s been about twenty minutes and from the looks of it the two mares were finally starting to tire themselves out.
  41. >Peering over to the guard who was nothing more than a quivering mess on the floor you smiled. At one point you changed it up from your ministrations on his ear to softly scratching his chin.
  42. >He’d wake up feeling like a million bits, and maybe not even remember this whole debacle.
  43. >That’s one good deed for the day so far. Standing up you habitually dusted your jeans off.
  44. >Let’s see if you could make it two.
  45. >Making your over to Celestia and Chryssi, you ran the ways this could go through your head.
  46. >On one hand they could simply answer your questions, this whole thing gets resolved and you pet them both while explaining why they’re being silly ponies.
  47. >On the other however, they continue to act like spoiled little brats and then you pet them until they give up and settle their dispute.
  48. >Either way, you win.
  49. >As you approached you sighed, here goes nothing.
  50. “So now that you’ve terrified a guard and honked at me, which we’ll talk about later, do either of you mind telling me what the hell is going on?”
  51. >Celestia between her tired gasps for air and general sweatiness(guess who’s getting a bath later?) looked at you with a tired expression.
  52. >”Anonymous, we’d hoped to have this resolved without your help but it seems, we need your aid once again.”
  53. >Ok, now were getting somewhere. Let’s do this, fire breathing monster, world destroying super being, I’m fuckin’ ready!
  54. >”Queen Chrysalis agreed three weeks ago that the party for Luna’s birthday should have vanilla cake and not chocolate.”
  55. >A part of your soul died that moment.
  56. >”Some of my brood said they hate vanilla, I’m trying to do what’s right by my subjects.” Chrysalis looked downright adamant about this.
  57. >”And I told you the order’s been placed already. Maybe we can have some of the castle bakers make some…”
  58. >Nope, it’s time to go back to your room and rethink a lot of your past life decisions.
  59. ***
  60. >”Anon, your ride will be here shortly. Make sure you behave yourself, and do not try to sneak a changeling back in your suitcase again.”
  61. >Damn Sun-horse, don’t tell me what to do.
  62. >During your last stay with the Changelings you made a good friends with one of them, well you made friends with all of them, but one in particular.
  63. >You called him… er her, you should really find out their gender when you get there, anyway for sanities sake you’ll go with her.
  64. >You called her Nibbles, mainly due to her strange habit of always trying to gnaw your shirt sleeve(and because Changeling drones didn’t get names.)
  65. >Naturally you wanted to bring your new friend with you upon your return, that was until that evening when Chryssi showed up at the castle.
  66. >Acting like a completely hysterical mother she was near tears that one of her children was missing.
  67. >And since you were the last one who was seen with her they went to you.
  68. >It was an interesting moment when your bedroom door opened and both of the rulers saw you and Nibbles busy making a pillow fort.
  69. >You got a stern talking to about abducting Changelings, while poor Nibbles got smothered with relieved hugs from the bug queen.
  70. >But back to the present.
  71. “I make no promises.”
  72. >”Anon seriously, you saw how worried Chrysalis was. Besides you’ll get to visit them again.”
  73. >Pouting you crossed your arms.
  74. >While making grumbling human noises, you didn’t notice a black and green carriage which was being pulled by two Changelings descend.
  75. >Within a few moments they had landed and wheeled in front of you and the Equestrian ruler.
  76. >Your mood slightly raised as the two bug-horses waved to you with big smiles on their faces, naturally you waved back with a big grin.
  77. >”Here’s your ride Anon, have a safe flight. Make sure you write me as soon as you get there.”
  78. “You’re not the boss of me!”
  79. >Throwing the suitcase in the carriage you grumbled as you got in.
  80. >All would have been well if not for a distinct “Owie!” that came from your suitcase when it hit the inside of the carriage.
  81. >”Anon did you hear something?”
  82. “Nope, nothing, you should get your ears checked out.” Turning to the two carriage pullers you mouthed ‘Let’s Go!’
  83. >You felt the carriage tug forward before it lifted into the air.
  84. >”You think she knows I was in here?”
  85. >Shushing the briefcase you kept your eyes locked forward, and not on a suspicious suitcase that was trying to have a conversation with you.
  86. “Shush, briefcases don’t talk.”
  87. >”Then maybe you shouldn’t throw suitcases around you dummy head, especially the ones I’m in!”
  88. “Hey you’re the one that wanted to go see the Changeling hive.”
  89. >You briefly considered leaving Moondancer in the suitcase after your arrival so she couldn’t study the bug horses.
  90. >You did put some cheez-its in there so she wouldn’t starve, cause you know, you plan ahead and stuff.
  91. ***
  92. >There’s a lot to be said about horseland birthday parties, especially when that party is for a certain grouchy night princesses birthday.
  93. >The room was packed with dancing, party hat wearing ponies. Most of them had big smiles on their faces.
  94. >A band was playing some standard party music because you know, you’re at a party.
  95. >”Sister why must we participate in such a pointless function, as much as we wish to frolic with our subjects there are matters to attend to.”
  96. >Judging by the tired expression, tired looking body, tiredly droopy wings, you were willing to hazard a guess that Celestia was either tired from getting everything ready or just tired of Luna’s persistence on being a grumpy guss.
  97. >”Sister, you’ve been focusing on your duties, and only them. This is ‘Your’ birthday, all these ponies came out to celebrate it with you.”
  98. >Atta’ girl, Celestia throws a right hook.
  99. >”Enjoy yourself, unwind and have some fun.”
  100. >Luna scans the crowd, right before her eyes fall right on you.
  101. >”And why prey tell is the monkey here?”
  102. >Hol’ up! Did this horse just call you…. Ahhh hellll naahhhh!
  103. >Channeling your inner Sharkeesha, you readied your snapping fingers.
  104. >Mmmm-hmmm.
  105. >Your next door neighbor back in the real world was an older sassy black woman who didn’t need no man, she taught you the meaning of sass.
  106. >And moon-bottom was about to be learned some sass.
  107. >Before your other hand made its way to your hip, the room fell silent.
  108. >The music stopped, ponies looked with pure horror at their princess.
  109. >”W.. what? We were only curious about his presence here.”
  110. >Well this just got weird, before you could figure out what the hell was happening you watched as Celestia dragged Luna out by her ear.
  111. >Yelps and whimpers, as well as pleading for mercy filled the dead quiet room. You could’ve sworn you even heard the tell-tale noise of a paddle smacking a certain night horses bum.
  112. >Hell of a party.
  113. >Trying to bring up your arm to scratch your head in bewilderment, you felt an odd weight on it.
  114. >Da fuq?
  115. >Casting a downward glance who did you see?
  116. >Nibbles, chewing on your shirt sleeve.
  117. >You really liked this shirt too.
  118. ***
  119. >Be Anon, you know the one that brought peace and prosperity between two warring horse kinds thanks to endless supply of emotions?
  120. >Yeah that one.
  121. >But you’re not in happy pony land right now. No this is before you ever got run over by that guy on a rascal which somehow landed you there.
  122. >At the moment you’re trying your damndest to figure out a calc 2 question.
  123. >Fuck college, if not for the fact that this was one of the last classes you needed to start applying for grad school you wouldn’t give a fuck.
  124. >But not giving a fuck doesn’t get you a decent paying job, and no job means no money, and that means you’d have to sell your body just to make the rent.
  125. >Shuddering at the thought you concentrated on the problem, yup school first, fears of anal devastation later.
  126. >You were broken out of your mathematic thoughts by screeching tires and the sound of a crash.
  127. >Jumping up you ran to your window and looked outside. Several of your neighbors must have also heard the noise cause you saw their heads peering out their windows as well.
  128. >On the street you saw what looked like a white BMW and your neighbor, oh boy, you better get down there.
  129. >Not because you were worried for her, no you were worried the guy who crashed right into her Geo Metro.
  130. >That man had no idea about the danger he was in at the moment.
  131. >Throwing on an old set of sweats(what? You always did your homework in the nude. It helped you concentrate.)
  132. >Rushing down the stair you threw open the door and ran outside.
  133. >Parting through the crowd you saddened at the scene before you.
  134. >You were too late.
  135. >”You must have loooosss yo damn mind!!!”
  136. >Sharkeesha held the man in a business suit and was slapping the ever living shit out of him.
  137. >”Who’s gonna pay for ma Geo, don’t you know I ain’t got no insurance!”
  138. >Each word was emphasized by a loud smack.
  139. >Turning to walk back inside you were ready to just call it a day.
  140. >”Anon, get yo ass back here now, I got some fixins’ in the car, be sweetheart and bring those in for me.”
  141. “Yes ma’am.”
  142. >The bright side is she always made you some of the greatest apple pie whenever you helped.
  143. >The downside is that night while going to deliver your final paper for another class you got run over by a fucking rascal.
  144. ***
  145. >Among the various upsides and downsides to residing in a colorful land of pastel horses and pastel horse accessories was that there was a significant lack of NaCl or table salt.
  146. >You asked Celestia about it once, she froze up completely and got a faraway look in her eyes.
  147. >Thinking that you broke the princess you dropped the subject and ran away, strategically of course.
  148. >But that all changed today, after somehow winning a contest you got a full round trip ticket to Yakyakistan.
  149. >You don’t even remember entering any contests, but who wants to argue about free shit.
  150. >And wouldn’t you know it, those Yaks didn’t have some weird aversion to table salt. Which is why you even bought another bag so you could bring back lots and lots of it.
  151. >So right next to your handy dandy suitcase(that happened to have what looked like a hole chewed through it) was a duffel bag filled to the brim with salt.
  152. >”Colts and Gentlemares we’ll be landing shortly, ensure your tray tables are up and seats are in their full and locked up position.”
  153. >Looking to your left and right, you kind of wanted to bring the fact that you were in a carriage. And that there were no tray tables, or seats.
  154. >Plus you were the only one in the carriage.
  155. >Weirdo ponies.
  156. >Shortly after landing in Canterlot you thanked the weird pony that seemed to keep talking about being the captain and clearance for takeoff.
  157. >But before you could make your way in you were stopped by two mares.
  158. >”Sir I’m going to have to ask you to step aside please.”
  159. >Looking down you noticed two distinct things, one these two weren’t in royal armor, two and most importantly the patches on their cute little uniform sleeves read “Equestrian Transportation Safety Authority”
  160. “Yeah sure, why not.”
  161. >You were only a few feet away from the castle doors, but it looked like some ponies wanted to play. So who were you to say no.
  162. >After being led to what looked like a room with cardboard walls and a sign with “ETSA” written in crayon you began to wonder.
  163. “So why am I here anyway?”
  164. >One of the two mares looked at you before returning to looking through a mess of papers on her clipboard.
  165. >”You were marked for extra screening sir.”
  166. >Holy shit, it’s like the TSA back on earth, but instead of assholes, they had cute ponies.
  167. >You slightly preferred this version to that of earths to tell the truth.
  168. “So what exactly does that mean? You’re not going to try sticking anything up my butt are you?”
  169. >Both of the mares let out an “Ewwww” before going back to what looked like busy work.
  170. >They were trying to make you nervous, by ignoring you. You remember this shtick from back home.
  171. >Those that have things to hide always spill their guts because of this tactic.
  172. >But not you.
  173. >You watched all the Crime shows.
  174. >ALL OF THEM.
  175. >These horses don’t know shit about your Law and Order compendium.
  176. >Oh look little horse is talking.
  177. >”Sir I’ll ask again do you have any contraband in your bags before we search them?”
  178. “Not really, can we get a move on. Cause I really need to pee.”
  179. >You watched as she jotted something down on the clipboard before joining her partner by your bags.
  180. >Hopefully they’d do this qui…
  181. >”Mother of Celestia!!!”
  182. >Peering over you saw them looking at the bag full of table salt.
  183. “Oh yeah, that stuff is pretty hard to find so I brought it back with me.”
  184. >You barely had time to finish the sentence before being tackled by two ponies and put in cuffs, well not really cuffs it was just some bubble wrap that kept your hands occupied.
  185. >And that’s the story of the first time you got arrested in Equestria.
  186. ***
  187. >Be a fresh out of jail Anon.
  188. >Ok so maybe pony prison wasn’t as bad as you had pictured it. If you had to compare it to anything it was like a closely supervised kindergarten.
  189. >A kindergarten with really safety oriented prison guards.
  190. >You remember on your first day you saw an inmate trip over some Lego’s(fuck yeah they have Lego’s!).
  191. >He scraped his fetlock and proceeded to cry uncontrollably. The guards all tried consoling to poor colt as he just kept crying and crying.
  192. >Eventually just out of sheer frustration you walked over and just gave him a little head pat.
  193. >Almost instantly the crying ceased and only a few minor sniffles remained.
  194. >That’s how you got your prison job. Your “way” with the hurt ponies was seen as something truly magical.
  195. >So you worked at the infirmary.
  196. >With no doctor.
  197. >How the hell were you supposed to help anyone without a doctor being present?
  198. >You recall as you angrily marched right into the wardens office, the stern talking to she received that day was one for the record books.
  199. >Heck, you even almost made her cry. You had only asked her if she cared about the inmates at all if she didn’t even have a doctor on staff.
  200. >Two days later into your hard sentence of a week (yeah you were a hardened criminal) the warden came to you with a big smile and solution.
  201. >She had made a deal with Canterlot University to send a professor pony to teach you everything and afterwards you’d be a doctor.
  202. >Dr. Anon…
  203. >Horseland is doomed isn’t it?
  204. >But apparently modern equine medicine was on par with earths basic first aid.
  205. >And on day five you accepted your new medical degree.
  206. >If only your parents could see you now, mom probably wouldn’t give a shit and pops would probably ask for money since you were a doctor now.
  207. >Fuck maybe it’s better if they didn’t see you.
  208. >Speaking of which, you were honestly surprised that Celestia hadn’t come to see you since she was somewhat your caretaker.
  209. >Eh what can you do?
  210. >Sitting in the infirmary in your custom made snazzy doctors coat you waited for patients.
  211. >From what you learned ponies really didn’t get hurt seriously all that often, mostly it was just little things.
  212. >Hearing the door slide open you looked up from the newest medicine journal titled “New breakthrough in frog massage therapy”
  213. >You saw one of the mares from the medium security wing trot in. Medium security was usually reserved for crimes like not paying a bill or playing a prank which hurt someone’s feelings.
  214. “Good afternoon, come in and shut the door please.”
  215. >Going over to the filing cabinet you pulled out the mare’s medical record, rifling through you found the file with her picture, name was “Peach Blossom”
  216. “Alright then miss Blossom what can I do for you today?”
  217. >The mare in question looked a bit uneasy as she plopped herself in one of the chairs in front of your desk (yeah you got a desk, with a fancy name plate and everything)
  218. >”It’s my stomach, ever since lunch I haven’t been feeling very well.”
  219. >A stomach ache huh? Should be simple enough.
  220. >Walking over to the medicine cabinet you dug out some antacids, these should do the trick.
  221. >Grabbing a glass and filling it with some water you walked back over to the mare and held it out for her.
  222. >It always amazed you how ponies managed to grip things with their hooves, you watched in fascination as she downed the pills and water quickly.
  223. >”Thanks doctor, but I took some antacids earlier and they didn’t help. But maybe these will.”
  224. >Hmm this is different. Bringing your hand up you placed it on her tummy and began to slowly move it against her silky soft fur.
  225. >Deep in thought you continued the motion with your hand, never noticing that with each pass the color of the mares face grew redder and redder.
  226. >It wasn’t even a minute before she jumped to her hooves.
  227. >”I feel much better now, bye!!”
  228. >And like that she was gone, being a doctor was a thankless job.
  229. >But that was life on the inside, and now you were out.
  230. >And becoming a doctor no less, if this was the norm you should’ve gotten locked up back on earth.
  231. ***
  232. >After your short stint in the slammer you eased back into civil society pretty quickly(It took about 10 minutes)
  233. >There was something you learned that upset you quite greatly when you got back however.
  234. >Nobody noticed you were gone. Not one damn pony.
  235. “Seriously none of you noticed I was, you know, missing?”
  236. >Celestia, Luna and Chrysalis all looked down ashamedly as you gave them a stern talking to about the intricacies of missing persons.
  237. “So none of you noticed that the only green biped in the land didn’t show up for a week?”
  238. >”Calm thyself Anonymous, it all worked out in the end. You’re here safe and sound and right on time for your visit to the Changeling hive.”
  239. >You could see two changelings carrying your bags behind the royals.
  240. >And wait, is that? Nibbles was there trotting along happily, one of your good shirts sleeve being munched on.
  241. >You swear she’s part moth or something.
  242. “Fine I’ll go but we are going to have a nice chat when we return.”
  243. >You were almost out the door when you heard Luna remark “Why are colts always so prissy?” to Celestia.
  244. >Oh moon horse, you will have the biggest of dicks drawn on you when you get back.
  245. *Cue transition because fuck it*
  246. >The ride to the hive was boring and all of uneventful.
  247. >You caught nibbles trying to sneak another one of your shirts from your suitcase but managed to subdue her with some cuddles.
  248. >”Anon, I know it may not seem like it but we do all care about you.”
  249. >It was her royal buginess that broke the calm silence as the carriage was pulled through the air with the greatest of ease.
  250. “I know, it’s just pretty shitty that not one of you noticed I was even gone.”
  251. >”Well just to show you how sorry I truly am I’m changing the activities for the day to something you’ll really enjoy.”
  252. >Chrysalis voice changed from her normal sounding self to one that was just a tad bit more husky.
  253. >Oh you know what that means.
  254. >Mutherfucking Arts and crafts day at the hive!!!
  255. ***
  256. >Be emotional nourishment for a changeling hive, or Anon. Anon will work pretty well.
  257. >Your first night back in the colony was a relatively peaceful affair. The whole day mainly consisted of arts and crafts.
  258. >Chrysalis went all out and ended up getting gallons upon gallons of finger-paints in all the colors too.(Bug-horse is good mom horse to her hive after all)
  259. >So naturally you and the hive ended up finger-painting for most of the day, well you finger painted, the drones used their hooves.
  260. >All the while you enjoyed your time amongst the ever friendly little bug-ponies. Each would scamper up to you with a newly finished piece of art so you could see it and give them praise.
  261. >Overall the day went pretty well, all the changelings had fun and got to feed on the endless amount of happiness you provided them with.
  262. >It was always odd when you saw their tummy’s begin to swell as they fed off your emotions. You didn’t mind, heck you didn’t even feel it.
  263. >And now you were in your usual sleeping spot. A mossy area covered on all sides by sleeping changelings.
  264. >Some were gripping your legs or using your arms as pillows, you even swore you saw a few kick their hoovsies as if trying to run in their sleep.
  265. >You don’t think your heart would hold out at this rate.
  266. >But that’s not what woke you up that night.
  267. >”Hiccup! Hiccup!”
  268. >Looking towards your right arm you saw the source of the noise. Nibbles. Poor little girl had a bad case of hiccups.
  269. >She probably stuffed herself with emotions and then tried eating one of your shirt sleeves again.
  270. >You should probably talk with Chryssi about that eventually.
  271. >Untangling your other arm from the cuddles it was getting you sat up and brought Nibbles into your lap.
  272. “It’s ok, it’s alright now.”
  273. >You spoke the soothing words as you rubbed the drones back in a circular motion. Feeling her hooves wrap around you she continued her adorable hiccup attack.
  274. >Honestly you couldn’t even tell how long it took but eventually the hiccups died down and Nibbles was out like a light.
  275. >Picking her up you lay her down right next to you. But movement if front of you prevented you from simply laying back down and going back to sleep yourself.
  276. >Most of the drones who were asleep around you earlier were all wide awake and their blue slightly glowing eyes were trained on you.
  277. >It was kind of eerie to tell the truth.
  278. “You all alright?” You asked out worry more than fear.
  279. >The only response you got was a chorus of hiccups from the changelings.
  280. >It was going to be a long night.
  281. ***
  282. >You’re one pissed off human, no scratch that you’re beyond pissed off right now. Not just because you feel like being pissed off for no apparent reason either.
  283. >Marching through the hallway towards the throne room you held your suitcase in one hand and the pie in the other.
  284. >After your monthly stay with the bug ponies you got ferried back with a nice cherry pie to share with the other princesses.
  285. >Cherry pie = best pie
  286. >Nothing could have ruined your day, you thought at the time.
  287. >It was when you got to your room you were more than a little surprised to find it well… not your room anymore.
  288. >Some pony had don goofed up!
  289. >Unless Celestia thought that your bed no longer provided an adequate support for back and had it replaced with a crib.
  290. >And there’s no fucking way you were going to be able to get a good night sleep in a crib.
  291. >Kicking open the large doors dramatically(cause your hands were occupied) you stomped into the room.
  292. “Anybody care to explain why my room got turned into a nursery? And where the heck is all my stuff?”
  293. >That’s right Anon, angry human noises always worked well when you tried to find out information from these equines.
  294. >”Anonymous, we didn’t expect you back this early.”
  295. “I was gone for almost three weeks.”
  296. >”Oh… is there anyway you could go back for a bit?”
  297. >Any normal man, would have calmly set down his things and approached the situation logically. First he would ask about what was going on and then using a positive mental attitude he would push on through to a synergetic solution.
  298. >A sane man would.
  299. >But you wouldn’t be having any of that.
  300. >You are man, you use power tools and draw large dicks on things with a sharpie, you know man shit.
  301. >Many guards would come to tell tales of what they saw that day, several would even describe that the pie you launched achieved in creating its own sonic rainboom as it hurled at the sun princesses face.
  302. >All you know is you were pissed so you chucked the thing and hit sunbutt right smack on the snout.
  303. “I’m going to take a bath, by the time I’m out, I expect a nice simple explanation for this and my stuff to be waiting for me.”
  304. >As you stormed off in a manly fashion the throne room was still filled to the brim with silence and disbelief.
  305. >The moon-bottomed, who was looking on with a giddy smile managed to surmise the situation quite well in her quip to her sister.
  306. >”Colts eh?”
  307. ***
  308. >Once upon a time there was a human named Anon living among colorful equines who loved to sing about friendship.
  309. >Now Anon was a simple man, of simple needs. He didn’t want anything that he didn’t earn, he didn’t try to conquer the land, he actually managed to create a truce between two enemies.
  310. >But now, he was just one pissed off human. While he was away providing emotional nourishment to the changelings and even brought back a pie he found that they took all his stuff out of *HIS* room(that he paid rent for!).
  311. >Then, if that wasn’t enough they asked if he could come back later.
  312. >And that’s where we pick up the story, once a peaceful human, Anon is now having an angry bath.
  313. >Which is like a regular bath, but with angry words thrown at the rubber duck floating maliciously through the bubbles.
  314. >You weren’t looking for an explanation at the moment, you tossed a bottle of shampoo at the damn duck.
  315. >Taking out your anger on the smug looking mallard was the more pressing matter.
  316. >A short bath later, you stood dressed in a towel, because the clothes you wore earlier were dirty and the horses moved your shit to god knows where.
  317. >Opening the door you were greeted by a sheepish looking sun princess. Maybe she finally realized why what she said was not nice.
  318. >”Are you sure you can’t come back lat…”
  319. >SNAP!!!
  320. >Without any reservation you walked right past the princess and utilized your towel skills to snap the slightly damp cloth right at her backside.
  321. >The yelp was like music to your ears, and the thud of her hitting the floor after jumping into the air was like a damn concert.
  322. “I expected something like this from Luna, not you. Can you just tell me where my stuff is so I can get some clothes on?”
  323. >The pained look on Celestias face transformed into an even more sheepish one than earlier as she used one of her hooves to rub the spot where you snapped her.
  324. >That face could never be a good sign.
  325. “What?”
  326. >”Well there was sort of a mix-up Anon, the maids thought it was garbage after we moved it to storage and kind of tossed it away.”
  327. “Okay so get it back, I’ll wash my stuff and it’ll be alright.”
  328. >”The thing is Anon, due to so many visiting dignitaries staying here we incinerate the trash to save room at the dump.”
  329. >Taking a deep breath you exhaled slowly.
  330. >This nothing to get worked up over.
  331. “REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!”
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