SCP Mad Libs: Salmon Corbette 1434

    [[collapsible show="Hey, it's another episode of SCP Mad Libs!!" hide="I went into Site-19 and asked for random words, phrases, or sentences to fit the redaction!"]]

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    ||||~ ^^__Superman__'s iteration of SCP-1434.^^ ||
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    **Item #:** SCP-1434

    **Object Class:** Euclid

    **Special Containment Procedures:**  As SCP-1434 is already extant in every known code of jurisprudence, containment is limited to management of press coverage, lobbying and other forms of pressure on political actors, and appropriate legal action in cases likely to create new precedent.  Following the incident in __Pluto__/__Splendid Valley__, every effort is to be made to ensure that SCP-1434 remains in effect in its entirety.  In the event that Foundation needs would be better met by a suspension of SCP-1434 in any locality, the pursuit of "paper bag" policies aimed at limiting enforcement are preferable; under no circumstances are attempts to be made at repeal or nullification of SCP-1434 without O5 authorization.  Mobile Task Force Nu-7 (aka "Legal Eagles") are tasked with monitoring instances of SCP-1434.

    **Description:** SCP-1434 is an ordinance, regulation, tribal code, convention, statute, rule, agreement, contract, edict or law (depending on iteration) that mandates sentencing guidelines for the crimes of __fucking__, __sliming__, __blooding__, and __raping__, as well as __felching__ if it is not a first offense.  (Since __31/31/3135__, SCP-1434 also proscribes __not hitting your goddamn sister__, and institutes similar penalties for its perpetration; see Document 1434-0121.)  Its original version was signed into law in the United States on __06/30/1994__, following standard lobbying efforts in cooperation with the National Correctional Employees Union.  No anomalous properties were detected until a week later, when Foundation assets in __Endor__ reported protest marches aimed against an almost identically-worded act.  Subsequent investigation determined that the law had spread to over 42 countries in the time since the original's passage; a cursory legal review by Foundation attorneys confirmed the law to be unconstitutional under __Luxemberg__'s civil code, and a task force was formed to identify the source of the legislation and to track the passage of similar laws worldwide.  Within a month the law was in force globally, both in recognized national bodies and in subsidiary and non-governmental justice systems.

    With the exception of the original version, every instance of SCP-1434 appears to have been implemented spontaneously, either by an impromptu legislative vote, a governmental edict, an unscheduled popular referendum, or by a number of other legally appropriate means.  Interviews with contributing politicians, inasmuch as they have been possible, reveal a variety of justifications for supporting the measure, ranging from sincere belief in "Tough on Crime" policies to begrudging assent at the behest of major party figures or popular polling.  No corroboration could be found for claims of the latter variety, though numbers and officials cited by afflicted politicians in the same locality are uniform.  (See Document 1434-0053.)  In all instances where SCP-1434 was implemented following a popular vote, exit polling revealed support in over 75% of those voting.  Localities where public resistance to the measure remains intense reported significant anomalies in voter turnout and several allegations of ballot fraud.  A full analysis of polling data broken down by demographic is available in Document 1434-0078.  A full analysis of vote distribution for instances of SCP-1434 passed legislatively, as well as financial, physiological and psychological analyses of legislators voting for and against, is available in __wikileaks__.

    --Though its transmission appears to be mimetic in nature,--Though the mechanism of its transmission is only partially understood, SCP-1434's purview seems limited to the establishment of the relevant law and its force in legal proceedings; apart from its apparent capacity to alter voting patterns, it does not appear to impact the ability or desire of individuals to commit the enumerated crimes, or the ability or desire of law enforcement officials to apprehend and prosecute perpetrators thereof.  No consistently measurable change in crime rates has been detected, and all typical means of eluding capture or preventing a successful conviction have proven effective.  MTF Nu-7 have reported plea bargaining to lesser offenses to be sufficient for preventing SCP-1434 from triggering.  The __not hitting your goddamn sister__ portion of the statute remains effectively inert; almost all known jurisdictions ignore it as a matter of course, comparable to many "blue laws" in the United States and Canada.  (See Document 1434-0121.)  In the solitary instance it was brought to court in __Toronto, ON__ it was swiftly dismissed for lack of evidence.

    The conditions for triggering the manifestation of SCP-1434 are not clear.  Though its presence in national political bodies is uniform, infections in other classes of organization (clearly identifiable by the __not hitting your goddamn sister__ provision) are inconsistent.  Several organizations without the authority to enforce the statute, including the __NATO__, __Doctors Without Borders__, and the Boy Scouts of America, have it written into their charters, while organizations of seemingly comparable nature and scale (such as Wells Fargo & Company and the GSUSA) do not.  Several militia and paramilitary forces in __Lesotho__ and the region of __Kampala__ recognize it according to equally opaque criteria: The __Shining Path__ and __Kony__ have both instituted policies to its effect, while __Umbrella Security Service__, despite an identical political structure and an overlapping membership population, has not.  Over __69__ tribes have adopted the law in __Gambia__ since its appearance there, even in communities where __hitting goddamn sisters__ does not exist.  The instance of SCP-1434 with the lowest population and structural requirements appears to have manifested among a group of children in __Sierra Leone__, where media reports following the deaths of 3 children indicate that they were being punished according to the rules of "a game" they were playing with friends.  Investigation into SCP-1434's application in active warzones is ongoing.

    At the present time, neutralization of SCP-1434 is considered to be extremely low priority for Foundation assets.

    ||**__Winkerbean__ INCIDENT**||


    __The end of the world came about in fire, chocolate ice cream and the defecations of Researcher Tox sending the whole of mankind into convulsions__
    __He loses his grip on the grenade and it falls from his grasp, indenting the snow at his feet. He picks it up and tries again.__
    __Horatio Waffleman was walking his dog on the island of Fiji when he was suddenly overcome by an intense feeling that he had forgotten to file his income taxes by the date indicated on the form.__
    __Then flaming houses fell from the sky, scattering the inhabitants across the field, making the target harder to hit.__
    __I'm clicking a pen click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click OK I'm done.__
    __Not the 'come hither' look, or the 'I need to fart but am in a conversation' look?__

    __As the frogs rained down from the sky, Martian looked up and wondered why he never brought his umbrella with him when he really needed it.__
    __When a girl reaches a stage in her life she begins the horrible transformation into womanhood with the blood and stuff__
    __Victor, the monster said he'd be with you on your wedding night, not that he would kill you at that point in time__
    __FOXHOUND__, almost exclusively targeting members of the __Amish Scientists__ religious minority, __cockslapped.__
    __Forty-five Italian waitresses stood shivering under the overhang at terminal 5 of Ronald Reagan International Airport, smoking cigarettes and wishing fervently for death.__  __How does this thing work again? I swear, we connect the red one to the yellow, and connect this hose to that... where's the instruction manual?!__ overturned.

    __The marines clusterfucked__ previously unknown and apparently spontaneously formed political factions __who really retched their guts out until__ civil war,
    __Burger King fingerbanged__
    __Asante sanna squash banana is really a satanic message, if you squint your eyes and bash your head.__
    __OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH Lordy Lordy LOOOOOOOOOO__.  A UN-brokered peace resulted in the creation of  __NAMBLA__ and the establishment of the __Westboro Baptist Church__ governing body, comprising leading figures from the __AAA__, the __UFC__, the __NCAA__, and the __YMCA__; with only 3 exceptions, all members of the body were of the __AMish Scientist__ religious minority.  Order was maintained by the Provisional Army of __FOXHOUND__ until the initial draft of the constitution was made public, at which time it was discovered that __not hitting your goddamn sister__ was to remain prohibited. __Fuck__
    __Dance, dance! We're falling apart throughout time! Dance, dance, and these are the lies you love to live...__
    __The kangaroo's mother then kickboxed her way to victory, utilizing nothing but her front legs, her tail, and her unbreakable desire to see pain in the eyes of her enemies __
    __I gotta say, in a completely heterosexual manner, they did made weasley look good.__

    __Look, I already told you, Molly, we are not killing the Jamesons with their own computer monitor, and that is final.__
    __We need to give power back to the people said Supreme Overlord Johnny Ace while holding a doughnut in one hand and a cup of coffee in the other.__
    __JUDGEMENT, MOTHERFUCKER! IT's COMING! He smashed the vision block of the dreadnought until it finally caved in...__
    __AirMan, for me, is really more of a representation of the human superego than some boss to be beaten, or a guy you can't beat.__ (See Document 1434-0053.)  __ASS__
    __Batman tightened his grip on Rocko's barbed aardvark genitalia. He never expected this much stamina out of the creature.__
    __If you want to eat that thing, you go ahead and eat it, but I am not taking you to the hospital when you've got tentacles coming all out of your never-you-mind, Lisa.__
    __Hey, I can make 55378008 look like a naughty word if I flip my calculator upsides down and contact my local authorities__.  Given the possibility of a nuclear exchange, __it doesn't look like anything until you dial 911__
    __Hey, I can make 55378008 look like a naughty word if I flip my calculator upsides down and contact my local authorities__
    __Sinister Dick has a broken spirometer__

    __The Pope's hat is such a classic symbol of authority that I vote we replace all cops in the UNited States with walking Pope hats__
    __HARE KRISHNA HARE HARE HARE KRISHNA HARE HARE HARE KRISHNA HARE HARE HARE KRISHNA HARE HARE__
    __Pear Pimples for Hairy Christians, said the big nosed penguin to the bald Krishna, enraging him greatly and causing much rightous anger__
    __As the Ship sank, the last thought of the Captains mind, as the waves crashed against his vessel, and the lifeboats sailed away to safety, was "I shoulda listened to the navigator..."__
    __When driving his car off the cliff Harry had one final thought. Did I leave the oven on?__
    __Without warning, the lead singer of Stone Temple Pilots began to develop bunions all over his body, including areas not normally associated with bunions.__

    **Addendum __06/06/06__:** All personnel assigned to __Site 3d6__ are forbidden from bringing written materials not immediately related to their tasks on-site, are forbidden from removing any paperwork or otherwise transmitting any written materials off-site, and are to keep their reports and all other written correspondence succinct, professional, precise and non-speculative.  All administrative work not directly pertaining to __[http://scp-wiki.net/scp-681 SCP-681]__ is to be performed at a separate facility at least 100 miles from any active containment site. __SCP-681__ upgraded to Keter class; containment procedures are to be updated accordingly.

    **Addendum __07/23/2135__:**  //Based on its distinctive nature, and particularly with an eye to the means of its creation, I am requesting SCP-681-1 be given a separate designation.      -- Dr. __Fishburne__//

    **Addendum __09/09/99__:**  //Am I the only person to actually look at this spread pattern?  Did somebody just accidentally put a slide from a CDC powerpoint in this file?  I am requesting an epidemiologist be assigned to my staff.           -- Dr. __Gump__//

    **Addendum __13/2/1999__:**  Site 3d6 is hereafter classified as a 5-Scale Biohazard Site; containment procedures are to be updated accordingly.

    **Addendum __13/2/1999__:**  //Even if the trigger itself is purely biological-which isn't proven-it's of such complexity that the social dimension should be clear.  I don't even know what to call this any more; at what point does something stop being a virus and start being a very ugly opinion?  I am requesting an anthropologist be assigned to my staff, for lack of anything better.  Maybe a meta-ethicist.  Have we got one of those?              -- Dr. __Utaraptor__//
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    Enjoy!