Boiling emotions

im not sure if i'll post this or not but i need to express my feelings in the only way i know how

if i do post this, i apologize. it's not really fair to vent to people without asking but i am exploding mentally right now. im sure i'll be fine since i always am but yknow..

i just feel so disconnected. to not vague post, i feel so desperately alone. i don't feel like i have friends, not that i am trying to invalidate anyone but i cant get over my own anxiety to not even just message first, but to respond to messages ever. and since i can't get myself to respond or message or anything, of course people will find it harder/less worthwhile to message me. thr endless loop of anxiety leading into not messaging anyone, into feeling worse and stronger anxiety because of it WILL kill me one day.

additionally, i don't feel like a girl. i feel like i'm a failure at existence. i feel like i've been trhing to mentally reach this goal that i can't ever reach because of the anxiety blocking me at every path. I want to get hormones, but i can't. Why? I want to dress more feminine. I have a full box of clothes I bought a few months ago. I BARELY LEAVE THE HOUSE. All that, and I can't even dress how I want in the comfort of my own home. Why? I want more friends that are girls, but I feel like they will see me as the guy just pretending just to be closer. I want to have smoother skin, but I cant get myself to ask anyone and I can't get myself ti stick to a routine anyway. what's the fucking point of this "being trans" thing if i just fucking pretend the entire way. fuck.

I hate that I can't cry. I sit here, on the edge of tears, I can feel them in my eyes but then they go away. They hardly ever come out. I barely express any emotions, as I'm sure people close to me would agree with. I hate that I can't. I know I feel them, and they get stuck somewhere. Why?

This is going to feel a bit like whiplash, so sorry about that, but I hate that when I'm looking for a place to move, I'm looking at houses that have like 3+ bedrooms and good space, and a two car garage. Why? I like the idea of having space that is actually truly mine, but what the fuck do I need all that for? the ego boost? I'm going to be literally by myself. I don't need all the space. In fact, it's kinda pathetic im looking at houses in the first place. all these houses are for people with families, hence the 3+ rooms, actual deck space, backyards, etc. I have none of that, I don't host social gatherings, I don't cook, I don't have any fucking reason to have all the space. I can live in like a 1bed apartment and survive. what makes me think im so good to deserve all that? I want friends to move in so I dont get lonely, but then I get to make all the decisions, and then they would just have to accept what I chose, and put up with me. yeah thats not happening buddy. maybe it would make more sense to live in an apartment so i can travel more and afford more clothes and whatever materialistic things i need to make me more femme.

I hate that I cant reach out to friends or anyone. I know I'll get the "you wont bother me i promise" and i do appreciate that but clearly i cant fuck8ng get myself to do it. thats the entire reason im writing this all here and potentially posting it, because i CANT reach out. I just can't. and I know I can't just make other people do that, thats practically giving them a job. a thankless job since i know that instead of truly sayijg anything ill just lie and say that "everything is fine, yknow how it be sometimes" because i dont want to bother them. i'm really just a burden to deal with, its crazy. I can't mesaage first, I can't respond, and even when I do, I can't even express the emotion to react properly anyway. so what's the point talking to me?

i hate that nobody cares and nobody will read this. i hate that this struggle isn't just me, and affects may others as well. i hate that i just consider all of these facts of my life, and things that "just are", things that are never going away.

I hate that I have an ego. I like having my tiny amount of fame and being a notable person, but I hate that evem with the tiny amount I have, I feel locked into acting or talking in a specific way. I hate that I feel  like I locked in my "artemis64" personality years ago and that i can't change it otherwise i'll lose respect.

I hate that I insult others the way I do. I hope that people understand that it's my way of trying to make conversation and say I respect them and that they are my friend, which is just counter intuitive. I hate that being genuine is cringe. not to stand on my figurative soapbox and spread the word of "friendship is magic", but I hate that trying to express genuine emotions feels so... wrong.

I hate that my rate of "suicide" comments is rising. Like the offhand "kill me" comments or whatever. it's just a sign of my emotions, the ones i normally suppress for forever. not to sound like someonebthat needs to go to a hospital, but it scares me sometimes. i dont think id ever act on those thoughts ever again, but i hate that they exist. i hate that its something that crosses my mind. i hate that mentioning it at all makes me trauma response my last time in the hospital. it wasnt even bad but it still was traumatizing.

this is too long.

TLDR: i feel like a "fake trans", i feel alone, and mg depression is rising.

thanks for reading everypony, have an extra special day tomorrow, since I know you deserve it!!!!