[F4M] You're Not Awake, Right?

You're Not Awake, Right? (F4M)
written by Cardlin
Synopsis: A woman makes confessions to her sleeping lover she doesn't have the strength to say while he's awake.
Tags: F4M, Romantic, L-Bombs, Confession, Ramble

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[Confession] [Ramble] [Romantic] [L-bombs]

(whispers) Baby.  Baby? Baby, you’re asleep right? (improv trying to test to see if they’re awake) Oof, sorry baby. You can sleep through anything, I know, but tonight of all nights I need to make sure you stay asleep. I can’t have you hearing what I’m about to say if you’re awake; not just yet, anyway. For now, be a (improv petname) and just… stay sleeping for me, okay?

(Deep breath) I’ve been thinking about this for a long time now and… I think I’m almost ready. Ready to say it, that is. I know a more romantic girl might say something like ‘I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you the moment I met you’ and (improv petname), I want to be her but… that’s just not me. The fact of the matter is, when I met you… I was terrified. Terrified I’d embarrass myself, that you’d be ashamed to be seen with me, that I’d say something stupid and offend you. Christ, baby, I… I still am, to be honest. You’re lying here, practically naked next to me, so damn perfectly warm and soft and… and you always say you love how you can still make my heart race, but I’m going to let you in on a little secret, okay? That pounding, racing thumping in my chest… that’s fear. Fear that I’ll do something stupid, mess something up, say something wrong and… God, I can’t even say it. Lose you. I’d lose you and, I… can’t even think of what life would be like without you. I’d… I mean, how do you breathe without air? How do you… live without… without life?

I’m rambling. See? This is why I say this here, like this, because… because it’s all in here, y’know? Twisted and knotted up in these unbreakable tangles, and this is the only place I can work through them. I can’t talk to the girls about this, and my family… well, you know. Whenever I feel this way about something, I talk to you. That’s half the point, actually; you’re the only person I can come to with these really personal, really important things… so when the topic is you who do I talk to then?

Let me… let me try and get back on topic here. You asked me where we’re going with this. With… us. You didn’t push it, you tried to make it light, God I could hear how much of an effort you made out of trying to sound casual about this, because… well, you know how I can be. Distant, you say. Cool and flighty. Scared and clueless, more like, but hey… if I can keep you thinking that for a while, then why not, huh? (giggles, kisses) But you asked, you… put it out there, and… I didn’t say anything. You had every right to, of course; it’s been a while. Too long, your friends say… too long, even MY friends say. Yet you’ve been patient, you’ve never pushed it, and you waited… but I know you don’t want to wait any longer, (improv petname), and I… I want you to know that an answer is coming, okay?

It’s just… it’s tough, you know? When we first started I said I don’t believe in saying I love you so quick and you agreed, even if maybe I could tell that… you might have been saying it for me. You’re so romantic and so sweet, and I can see all of this… this love building up inside of you and you just want to show it, but you don’t… and I can see it in those moments when you think I can’t hear you sigh, and every time you look off into the distance after looking at me I worry you’re thinking about the next girl, and how she’ll let you say you love her, and how she’ll be brave enough to say it back.. but… but sometimes I think I don’t WANT there to be a next girl, and… and I don’t know which is more terrifying.

If you had asked me months ago if ever I thought I’d be in bed with a guy half as beautiful as you, I’d probably… laugh. Not just because I didn’t think I could ever find anyone as handsome as you, but I just never thought I’d… let anybody this close. The thought of letting someone past all of my, you know… ME, to see the interior… it was horrifying. I didn’t think anyone could even stand to look at this, let alone ever WANT to and then… you. Suddenly… you. Impossible, impervious, immaculate… you. You toughed it out, you wore me down, you met every one of my walls and broke them; sometimes with a hammer, when I was being stupid, but mostly with a smile. That perfect, heartache you call a smile. The first thing I see when I wake up, the first thing I see when I fall asleep. Not to mention… (giggles mischievously) all the things you let me do to you in here. Every time I think I’m pushing you too far, you somehow manage to cry out for more and… (improv petname, improve sexy line about how he satisfies you).

This would normally be the part where you talk about how ugly you are, how you have so many problems, how I would be so better off without you… and you say that stuff and it makes my blood boil. It’s wrong. You’re wrong. You’re perfect, you’re mine, and you deserve the absolute best. I know I haven’t said it enough, but that’s because they’re such heavy words, and I’ve been realizing the real gravity around them but… God help me… I really do, truly love you. (improv relief) It feels so good to say that… look at me, you handsome sleeping idiot. I DO love you, I do… okay? Don’t leave me, don’t look for someone else, you don’t need her, she’s right here… she’s just… stupid and worried and… so terribly terrified this will end up like all of the other ones.

That’s what this is all coming down to, the big point I’m trying to make. I’m beginning to realize that part of our lives being perfect is me realizing that… well, it’ll never truly BE perfect. But that’s part of the fun, right? Making our way through all the ups and downs, the bends and curves, the fights and the making up… together. What does need to change is my perception of everything. I can’t be the perfect woman for you because she doesn’t exist. I can try to be, though, and that starts with a little more confidence, a little less being distant… and not waiting to become the perfect woman, but becoming the woman you already see me as. I’m ready, (improv petname). I have an answer for you, and it’s Yes, I do love-

(Improv making a noise and him stirring, you panicking and acting like you just woke up, too. You comfort him, reassure him he needs to go back to bed, and then assure him you’re going back to bed with him, too. You almost say it… but don’t, then you both go back to sleep.)