Fake Cable from Ecuador on Assange

Fake Cable from Ecuador on Assange published behind a paywall by The Australian (copy/paste)

Assange's assault of Matrix and Vegemite
BY: IMRE SALUSINSZKY From: The Australian September 05, 2012 12:00AM

A leaked cable from the Ecuadorian ambassador in London to Foreign Minister Ricardo Patino:

DEAR Minister,

Unfortunately, conditions at the embassy have deteriorated since my cable to you 10 days ago. The possibility that the embassy will be stormed by crack British troops at any moment, to extract Mr Assange, is extremely destabilising and complicates our ordinary embassy functions.

Conditions inside the embassy are also becoming difficult. Mr Assange continues to insist embassy staff gather each afternoon in his room to view a movie called Matrix.

At the conclusion of the film, Mr Assange leads a discussion of its "political implications". We find this confusing because the film has no Spanish subtitles. Even with subtitles, it would appear to be a confusing movie.

In the evenings, Mr Assange likes senior embassy staff to gather in his room for games. At first we were pleased by this suggestion, believing we would enjoy an hour or so of bridge or backgammon. Unfortunately, the game involves all of us choosing a fictional character, combining various attributes, to participate in an adventure in an imaginary world.

As the so-called Dungeon Master, Mr Assange selects the imaginary world and the adventure, most of which involve a character called Albinostrophus who is being pursued by a band of evil elves led by a wizard named Langley.

The game is extremely tedious, but when one of us asks to be the Dungeon Master, Mr Assange bursts into tears and storms off to bed.

Mr Assange refuses to eat with other embassy members, fearful the CIA or Special Branch is trying to poison him. Instead, he insists my wife come to his room each evening with a glass of milk and two slices of toast.

The toast must be smeared with an Australian product called Vegemite and criss-crossed with another Australian product called Coon cheese.

Mr Assange sleeps during daylight hours, so is up most of the night. While we are asleep, he enjoys walking around the embassy, standing at bedroom doors, and making what he calls his "Caspar noises". Given Mr Assange's appearance, this is very unsettling, especially for female staff.

Please encourage Mr Hague to storm the embassy as soon as possible.