Forgive me, my love.

They say the eyes are the windows to the soul; I never truly realized how true that was until that damnable morning.  The way she looked, the dried tears around her eyes and blood on her fingertips.  You're so worthless.  The way it seemed the stars themselves twinkled in her eyes when we were together, all gone like a candle snuffed out in a cave.  You selfish piece of trash.  Almost every night I waken from my dreams having seen her.

"Anon are you alright?  You look pale are you feeling under the weather?"  Sayori asks with a concerned look.

I feel my neck tense up and I can't breath, I scrape at my collar but there's nothing there constricting it.  I keep clawing and clawing as Sayori just watches, slowly the life fades from her eyes and an indent forms around her neck. As I tear my throat open she whispers "Why didn't you check up on me Anon?"  I wake up in a cold sweat panting.  I grasp at my neck realizing I can breath again and then the tears form.  I sit up in my bed calling out her name.  It should have been you.  Why didn't I have dinner with her the night I confessed?  Just to have been there the night before may have helped in so many ways.  You're pathetic.  Instead like a fool I let her go home alone even after she told me how she felt; even after all of the signs were shoved in my face.  They were so blatant and yet my stupidity cost Sayori her life.  Then even more I went to school without her in the morning.  She probably waited hoping I would walk through her door and stop her.  But you didn't.  I rushed back to her house from school thinking everything was gonna be fine...it's not like I abandoned her at her greatest time of need right?

What was I thinking?  I should have tried a little bit harder for Sayori.  It's not a big deal to at least wait for her, or help her wake up.  Even the simple gesture of walking her to school makes her really happy.  Besides...  I told her yesterday that things would be the same as they always have been.  That's all she needs, and what I want to give her.  I reached Sayori's house and knock on her door.  You can't help anyone.  I don't expect an answer, since she's not picking up her phone, either.  Like yesterday, I open the door and let myself in.  "Sayori?"  She really is a heavy sleeper. I swallow.  I can't believe I ended up doing this after all.  Waking her up in her own house...  That really is something a boyfriend would do, isn't it?  In any case...  It just feels right.  Outside Sayori's room, I knock on her door.  "Sayori?  Wake up, dummy..."  There's no response.  You let her die.  I really didn't want to have to enter her room like this...  Isn't it kind of a breach of privacy?  But she really leaves me no choice.  I gently open the door. ".....Sayo-"  It should have been you.  What the hell...?  What the hell??  Is this a nightmare?  It...has to be.  This isn't real.  There's no way this can be real.  Sayori wouldn't do this.  She would still be alive if you didn't exist.  Everything was normal up until a few days ago.  That's why I can't believe what my eyes are showing me...!  I suppress the urge to vomit.  Just yesterday...  I told Sayori I would be there for her.  I told her I know what's best, and that everything will be okay.  Then why...?  Why would she do this...?  How could I be so helpless?  What did I do wrong?  Confessing to her...  I shouldn't have confessed to her.  That's not what Sayori needed at all.  She even told me how painful it is for others to care about her.  Then why did I confess to her, and make her feel even worse?  Why was I so selfish?  This is my fault--!  My swarming thoughts keep telling me everything I could have done to prevent this.  If I just spent more time with her.  Walked her to school.  And remained friends with her, like it always has been... Then I could have prevented this.  I know I could have prevented this!  Screw the literature Club.  Screw the festival.  I just... lost my best friend.  It's all your fault.  Someone I grew up with.  She's gone forever now.  Nothing I do can bring her back.  You're a failure.  This isn't some game where I can reset and try something different.  I had only one chance, and I wasn't careful enough.  And now I'll carry this guilt with me until I die.  You should die.  Nothing in my life is worth more than hers...  But I still couldn't do what she needed from me.  And now...  I can never take it back.  Never.  Never.  Never...

I stood there, tears forming in my eyes, and my knees trembling.  Why was I so stupid?  It's not even as if there were just subtle warning signs...  She told me herself the pain she felt within her.  Yet I did nothing!  You're fucking garbage, a waste of space.  I ran to her desk grabbing a pair of scissors and started cutting at the rope.  I held the scissors tightly in my hand as I cut away at the threads until my fingers felt numb.  As the rope snapped I fell onto my back with Sayori's lifeless body in my arms.  I tossed the scissors aside and embraced her cold form as my voice rang out and my tears stained my cheeks.  Why can't you do anything right?  I rocked with her back and forth as I sobbed calling out her name begging God to bring her back to me.  I sat there with her in my arms for what felt like years before I knew I had to call emergency services.  I stood up with her in my arms and laid her on her bed before collapsing once again to my knees.  I kept crying out her name as if I she would call back to me and wake me up from this nightmare.  I clutched her hand in mine feeling how cold she had become.  I placed it to my head with both of my hands and cried and cried and cried.  Almost like a fever dream my body was going through all of these motions.  Wishing that if I just kept her hand warm soon the rest of her would warm with it.  Then she'd be back beaming with that cute smile of hers; calling me a dummy for crying like a child.  You were never good enough for her.  I slowly got up from my knees and walked to her telephone.  Dialing the number I stood there, soreness in my eyes.  The ringing pained my ears, like a train horn calling out the last departure but the one you were waiting for was not aboard.

"119, what is your emergency?"

"Please send an ambulance...my friend just killed herself."

I talked to the operator until an ambulance arrived and let the paramedics in.   I was numb throughout the entire questioning and all of my replies were monotonous at best.  A part of me had been torn out with Sayori's death, a part that would never recover.  It hurt when her parents came home and I had to explain that their little girl was dead.  They blame you.  It hurt when all of the other students went up to the podium to give their condolences.  They know it's your fault.  It hurt the most when I saw her as if she was only sleeping within the coffin at the wake the week after.  No one would attend your funeral.

Time moved on as it always did but I couldn't; my body continued on with the motions of day to day life by my mind and soul never made it to the next day.  My parents showed concern for some time and I even went to therapy but it didn't matter.  Nothing did without Sayori anymore.  I had gone to the same school as her and we were in the same class almost every year but I never realized I was studying for the wrong test.  The pills did nothing, only made me feel more numb.  They hoped I would grow out of it, that time would mend all wounds.  They only grew deeper within me though, like a pendulum drifting closer to my soul.  I barely passed my courses but never went on to university, whenever I thought of moving on I'd see her beautiful face and break down once again.  Instead I got a demanding job and a tiny apartment; what time wasn't spent working was drowned in liquor.  Despite most people saying alcohol helped them forget their worries it didn't with me.  I'd drink and remember the fun times we had together, especially the last fun days we had in the Literature Club.  Then reality would catch up and I'd cry myself further into my glass.  I tried to be happy for Sayori's sake but it was no use.  She was what made me happy, if only I had realized it sooner.  I would even try to date, but every time a girl would get close I'd see Sayori in them and break down and push them away.  It's not like they liked you anyway.  I knew long before I tried that they were bound to fail.  No girl could measure up to Sayori.  So now here I stand in my bedroom of my tiny apartment.  A noose dangled in front of me as if beckoning me to embrace it with my neck.  This will be the only good thing you've ever done.  I just need to find the high stool I have around here so I can break my spine in one go.  I glance around my room looking for the stool when I see it under my desk nearby.  End your life, accomplish something for once.  As I reach down to grab it I notice a piece of paper lying solely on the barren table top.  I pick it up and remember it was the poem Sayori had planned to give me the day before the festival.  Her parents had found it after that morning and gave it to me, saying I should have it.  I read it over again and broke into tears once more.  Even in her darkest hours she was thinking of me...  Just like that, I felt almost calm, a sort of peace washed over me.  Sayori had been gone for so long now.  She always wanted what was best for me and to be happy.  She wouldn't want me to die...but is it really worth going on without her?  I look at the noose and then back at her poem.  Looks like I have a choice to make; just like I did that fateful day.  Let's hope it's the right one this time.