Oregairu Vol.12 Interlude 2

Interlude
It’s true that I love tidying things.

Although I am not very good at it.

Yet, I like it.

Things that have been toppled over, scattered about or just left in neglect; I love to arrange them all in a neat and orderly manner.

If I did that, I would be able to have the feeling of, “The way it is now feels great.”

It was just the two of us left in this room. After having a short discussion about where to begin packing, she left after telling me she was leaving to prepare some empty boxes and trash bags. I was left alone in the room to wait for her.

Looking at this room, I could see it was a very tidy room. Tidy to the point that there was no need for any sort of tidying up at all. It was different from my room. It felt as though there was nothing that didn’t have a purpose in this room.

However, in the corner of a room, there was a small place by the head of the bed that seemed lively.

Be it stuffed toys or items relating to cats, they were all probably something she liked or were of importance to her. They were all neatly arranged here.

In this monotone room that uses mainly cold colors like blue, green or silver, only that corner showed the gentleness of a girl.

This made me feel that it was quite cute and so I smiled as I played with a panda stuffed toy.

Then, I saw a paper bag that seemed to have been hidden behind the stuffed toy. That vinyl bag was black, which made it seem somewhat out of place in this cute space.

I thought I had seen this sort of bag somewhere before and so I picked it up without a second thought. I opened it a little, leaving just a small gap for me to peer inside it. There seemed to be some sort of commemorative photograph in there. I had something like this before too. It was something I had gotten at the end of an attraction when I went out with my whole family.

I knew that it was better for me to not look at me but I opened it nevertheless.

The two people in the photograph were very familiar.

They looked somewhat scared, and somewhat ridiculous, but also, definitely happy.

And also, the figures of them curling their bodies, tightly shut eyes, looking as though they want to hide, but also hands that tightly gripped onto the bar.

--Ah, just as I thought – That was all I thought of at that point.

Although I had always been worried whether two of them had properly talked it through, right now, all I could think of was, isn’t this great.

How cute. Not just this photo, but also the act of carefully storing and keeping the photo away, as well as the act of hiding it.

Hence, I placed it back gently in that corner, in the place where it originally was.

I should forget it.

Pretend that I never saw it.

Although I cannot pretend that this moment never happened, I could at least forget it.

Come to think of it, she was probably doing the same.

Without any sort of decoration, just meticulously and carefully placed in the depths of all her treasures.

******

Perhaps I should ask her about it. Ask her in a joking manner, as though I am teasing her. Then, I should say I support her, that I would root for her. I should say that with a smile.

Yet, if I were to really do that, maybe everything will come to an end.

If I were to ask her, to make any inquiry, she would surely deny it, then follow up with, “It is impossible” to reject me, and lastly, to sink into silence.

Not admitting to it, to overlook it, to let it slip by, to ignore it.

To pretend that it never happened, then to forget it, and finally to lose it.

That is why, I will definitely not ask.

To ask about her feelings would be sly of me.

Saying out my feelings would also be sly.

Yet I am afraid to find out about his feelings.

To push the blame to her would be the sliest.

To be honest, I had understood it since a long time ago.

There was a place somewhere that I could not enter. Every time I stood in front of the door, I had felt that I should not disturb them, that I should sneak a peek through the gap from the door, to eavesdrop on them.

To be honest, I had understood it since a long time ago.

I too, want to go in there.

That’s all to it.

That’s why, actually –

Genuine or whatever, I don’t want it.