explanation

explanation~

this is my seccond time typing this up since the first time I closed the tab before posting, as some may know I blanked out my social medias and havn't used them the last few days, i basically had an anxiety breakdown on thursday since my manager has almost fired me, can't be bothered getting into detail with it but it hit me at my lowest since im getting rejected job oppurtunities left and right, havn't seen much from my friends and also my ex got a new boyfriend the very minute I got home from almost being fired, don't get me wrong I did have feelings for her after the breakup but pushed her away for my and her's sake but I have moved on now however and speaking with a wonderful girl but it just fustrated me knowing i committed a year to her to try and be 'official' then she gets into a relationship with this person after seeing them for less than 2 months seems off but owell everything happens for a reason. i wont lie after almost losing my job i thought the best course of action was to zone myself away from everything online since i worried maybe my hobbies were clotting up my thinking space when i needed to get shit done such as job applying and work however i dont believe that is the full case but maybe in some ways it is due to the fact i have a.d.d which causes me to zone out and lose focus alot almost like my mind leaves my body and re enters. with this most likely finnancial situation about to burden over me i may sadly have to cancel going to melbourne for pax ill make a tweet decision soon depending on how the week goes but if so i am more than willing to refund donations if you feel missguided or bummed, i wont speak to much on the personal front of my family but financially we dont sit easy so knowing i cant get a job or support my family makes me feel less of a man/grownup and i dont want this to continue, sadly where i live and the age i am is one of the worse for getting a job. on another note my all worlds wr which was a 3:42:30 was rejected due to not having a video, in a sense it is demoralizing since i did stream it for 100+ viewers but the reason i could never get proof was due to the fact my stream dropped 8+ times/youtube account had upload restrictions/hardrive formatted itself causing me to lose the vod, i have had awful luck with that time i worked hard on achieving it wasnt a perfect run anyways but not many of the mods weighed there thoughts on if it should be accepted or not even though a good chunk witnessed the run, i thought it would give me motivation but my decision is clouded on whether to go back after any%. now to cover any% i believe my any% grinding has fueled up my emotional breakdown, i have never played more possitive and well in my whole history of running the game but losing countless runs to rng has gotten to my head like life is resisting me being happy or being an achiever at something i work hard for. at this point this pastebin is a journal and im just scribbling what comes to my head but i may come back to streaming but at the same time i may drop off the face of the earth i havnt decided yet (most likely will stick to it just find more balance with other things in life and speedrunning), sorry if I made others worry, yes i am still depressed but dont want to be constantly vocal about it just felt like use guys deserved an explanation for my absence or behaviour hoping life picks up for me soon :/