Twilight Glances

It was that weird time of day where the day had passed away but the night had not yet fully arrived in its place. It was that weird time of day where the sky was illuminated with varying shades of oranges and reds as the sun’s rays began to fade into the abyss of the night. It was in that weird time of day that she sat there, on the edge of the rock, watching the daylight go by as she blew the dandelion that she held in her hands.

It had been two years since she learned the news that her older brother had died in the war. It was a weird feeling for her—not having her older brother to annoy her day and night and keep her company through the day—but it was a feeling that she’d dealt with for quite a while.

As she stared outward into the sun, she began to think. Though she still had her younger brother, she wasn’t as close to him as she was with her older brother.

It wasn’t so much that they hated each other, but rather, it was the fact that there was such a gap between them in age.

He was 14. She was 24. That ten-year gap meant that even though the two of them were related by blood, the bonds between them were not nearly as strong as the bond she shared with her older brother.

All these things came into her mind. As she continued to stare on out into the horizon, watching as the sun’s rays continued on falling, she began to talk to herself.

Even though she had been told from an early age not to talk to herself—after all, that was something only done by crazies—it was still something she did, as it comforted her.  While other friends might have abandoned her and left her thoughts as little more than brief echoes of her mind, she knew that she could always count on herself. With that in mind, she started to speak.

“So this is how it all ends”, she began, before continuing. “I remember when we were kids. You’d play with your action figures and your toy soldiers while waving the bangs off your hair and I’d play with my dolls while my parents were watching, only for me to switch to your action figures once they left the room.”

She paused for a moment to collect her thoughts. After exhaling a bit, she continued.

“You always wanted to be a soldier—going to other countries and fighting the bad guys—and though a part of me wished that you hadn’t done that, you were so happy when you pretended to be a soldier that I didn’t want to take that feeling away from you. So we grew older and we kinda drifted off.”

She stops—a slight twinge of regret coursing through her features—before continuing.

“You became a huge jock—a social butterfly if ever there was one—and I just was a nerd, just going about my day to day business and trying to stay afloat in the cutthroat world of high school. You then signed up to go to the military. I didn’t want you to go—hell, the idealistic part of me wanted me to go in your place—but the realist in me knew that I wasn’t really suited for combat, whereas you indeed were. “

“The one thing you had that kind of reminded me of who you were was your long, flowing hair, going mid-way to your chest. When you appeared a few days before leaving, with your hair shorn, it seemed to me as though a part of you died. I know you wanted to head off, and I wanted you to be happy more than anything, but it already felt as though I didn’t know you. It felt as though I was saying goodbye to the Connor I knew—as though I was already dispatching you off to a foreign field—even before you officially left.”

She cries and slightly shakes—reflecting on the memory—before regaining her composure.

“The day you left was kind of an anti-climax; we’d all been expecting it for days. But at the same time, it felt so weird. Before we dropped you off at the airport, I remember you hugging me. At that moment, I felt safe, and I wish that it would never have ended. Though you promised to write to me, I still felt a great sadness since I didn’t know if I’d ever see you again.”

She plays around with her hair—something she’d often do whenever she got very stressed—and exhaled deeply before continuing.