FACADE STAGEPLAY
Tue Aug 21 19 26 19 2012

TRIP
Where are the new wine glasses?

MARK
HERETICS

GRACE
What for?

TRIP
That should be obvious!

(MARK knocks on the front door.)

(MARK knocks on the front door.)

GRACE
Oh God, Trip, don't turn this -- (interrupted)

TRIP
Uhp, he's here!

MARK
I KNOW YOURE IN THERE

GRACE
What?! You said he's coming an hour from now!

(MARK knocks on the front door.)

(MARK knocks on the front door.)

TRIP
No, he's supposed to be here now!

MARK
STOP HIDING FROM ME

GRACE
Trip...!

(MARK knocks on the front door.)

(MARK knocks on the front door.)

(Trip opens the front door.)

TRIP
Mark!!

MARK
SHROOM KING

TRIP
Hi! It's so great to see you!   -- (interrupted)

MARK
HERETIC

(MARK hugs trip.)

TRIP
Uh...

TRIP
Well come on in...

MARK
YOU DONT SMELL OF SHROOMS

TRIP
Uh, it'll be just a sec while I go get Grace...

TRIP
W -- w - what... n - no, uh, just stay here...

MARK
GET BACK HERE FOOL

TRIP
You don't agree...

MARK
...SHROOOOM KING

TRIP
(unintelligable arguing)

MARK
I HEAR FIGHTING

TRIP
(unintelligable arguing)

MARK
BETTER NOT BE PLANS

TRIP
(unintelligable arguing)

MARK
OR HERESY

MARK
...SO MUCH TACKY SHIT

(MARK picks up a trinket 8.)

GRACE
Mark,

MARK
WHAT IS THIS

GRACE
Hi!  How are you?  I'm so happy to see you after so long!  -- (interrupted)

MARK
...OH GOD WHERED YOU COME F

GRACE
Uh...

GRACE
Oh, ha ha ha!

(MARK puts down a trinket 8.)

GRACE
By the way, -- (interrupted)

MARK
HERETIC

GRACE
Oh, do you like those sculptures?  I used to be so into, uh, collecting -- (interrupted)

(MARK kisses grace.)

GRACE
Oh, yes, let's...  (polite kiss on cheek)

GRACE
   Mark,  you're so sweet.

(MARK kisses trip.)

GRACE
Well, come in, make yourself at home...

MARK
YOU TASTE LIKE HERETIC

MARK
EXPLAIN

GRACE
Yeah,  ha, maybe you can give me your honest opinion about where I went wrong with my new decorating, uhh...

(Trip closes the front door.)

TRIP
Oh, Grace, no, no, h -- how can you say that?

GRACE
(little sigh)

MARK
NOT ENOUGH SHROOMS

TRIP
Ah, see, I knew he would like it!   I knew you would like it, everybody does.

GRACE
(little sigh)

MARK
I HATE IT YOU HERETIC

GRACE
(little sigh) -- (interrupted)

TRIP
W -- wait, wait, wait...  uh, take a -- take a closer look...  You have to let it soak in a little while before you say anything.

MARK
...STILL HATE IT

GRACE
Uhh... I'm sure I -- (interrupted)

GRACE
Ah, thank you, I've been waiting for someone to say that!

TRIP
But wait, what -- uhh... what are you -- everything's fine...! -- (interrupted)

MARK
...WHAT?

GRACE
Oh but I really really liked what you said about my decorating... Besides, I'm going to redo it all this week, so...

GRACE
Mark,  seeing you again makes me remember the wonderful times we all used to have.  -- (interrupted)

MARK
...THE SHROOM KING APPROVES

GRACE
Y -- yeah, I've -- I've missed you.

TRIP
Huh, I just thought of something.

GRACE
What...

TRIP
There's something we need to celebrate.

MARK
SHROOM KING?

GRACE
What, Trip, -- (interrupted)

TRIP
Uh -- well, hmm, tonight is special...

TRIP
Mark,  remember, it was almost exactly ten years ago, tonight, that you introduced us.

TRIP
Senior year of college.

GRACE
Oh... geez... -- (interrupted)

MARK
...WAS I HIGH THAT DAY?

TRIP
Um, well, without you, we wouldn't even have this celebration.

MARK
I DONT REMEMBER THIS

GRACE
Trip, have you noticed, we're fighting in front of our friend.

MARK
...YOU WERE FIGHTING?

TRIP
Grace, come on, it's not helping things for you to say that... -- (interrupted)

GRACE
Hold on...

GRACE
You think I'm...

GRACE
angry...

MARK
...NO I DONT YOU HERETIC

TRIP
Ho ho ho, ha, heh you're -- you're really joking around tonight, aren't you, ha ha ha...

MARK
BACKING AWAY NOW

GRACE
Ha, yeah, ha ha...

TRIP
Ha, never afraid to push our buttons, ha ha ha, heh... -- (interrupted)

TRIP
What...?

MARK
I WILL BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN

TRIP
Mark,  I -- I want you to look at this photo from our recent trip to Italy...

MARK
NO

GRACE
Oh no, no, go look at Trip's Italy photo...

TRIP
So, come on, I -- I want you to look at this! -- (interrupted)

MARK
THIS IS HERESY

TRIP
W -- well, um, come take a look!

GRACE
Mark,  come over here and sit on the couch with me.

MARK
I SAID NO PHOTOS OF MAINLAND

TRIP
Grace...!!! -- (interrupted)

TRIP
Now, now,    Mark,  in one word, what does this picture make you think of?

MARK
SHROOMS

GRACE
Oh, please, Trip, -- (interrupted)

TRIP
No, no, that's not it --

GRACE
Yeah, that's a fine answer, I like that...!

TRIP
No, no...     Mark,  take another look,  this says... what.

GRACE
How about oppressive.

MARK
...HERESY?

TRIP
Well, the thing is, you see, this trip to Italy... it was our second honeymoon!

GRACE
What?     Mark,  Trip is absolutely exaggerating, it was simply a weekend getaway, that's all.

TRIP
Goddammit, I was trying to find a way for us to spend some time together!

MARK
...YOU LEFT THE ISLAND?

TRIP
(frustrated sigh) -- (interrupted)

TRIP
Romance!  It says... romance...!

GRACE
(little sigh)   Mark, -- (interrupted)

MARK
IT CLEARLY SAYS SHROOMS

GRACE
Oh, God, please, no more talk about Italy tonight...

GRACE
 (frustrated sigh)

GRACE
And I missed my friend's art show.

MARK
YES, MORE TALK OF THE KING

TRIP
Y - yeah -- n - no, uhh -- she wouldn't leave the hotel room!

GRACE
(frustrated sigh)

TRIP
Alright, good, heh heh, maybe you're on my side tonight after all, ha ha.

MARK
WHERE DID THIS TALK GO?

TRIP
You know what?  It's about time...

TRIP
I fix us some drinks! -- (interrupted)

MARK
FOR SHROOMS?!

TRIP
Uh, well, um, we need drinks!

MARK
OH

MARK
THAT WORKS TOO

TRIP
Yeah, yeah!

TRIP
Y -- yeah, uh, I - I'm going to open an exquisite Bordeaux!

TRIP
Top of the line, very rare, very difficult to acquire --

GRACE
God Trip, you are such a wine snob.  Just like my dad.

TRIP
I'll take that as a compliment.     Mark,  what do you say?

MARK
BLAH BLAH SHROOM KING BLAH

TRIP
What? Oh, I, I thought you'd love that...!

GRACE
Trip our friend isn't as excited by your suggestion as you are.

MARK
IF ITS SHROOM FLAVORED, YES

GRACE
Mark,  maybe you'd like some juice, or a mineral water?

GRACE
Okay, Trip, that's what he wants!

MARK
NO BOOZE WORKS

TRIP
No, this is a special get-together, I want to open this wine, I'm not going to settle less!

GRACE
You seem perfectly happy settling for less when you sneak off to that crappy little sports bar down the street!

MARK
JUST POUR THE BOOZE

TRIP
What?!

GRACE
Don't think I don't know about your secret little hangout where you watch football and drink lite beer with lowly construction workers...

MARK
SECRET HANGOUT? HERESY

TRIP
How -- how do you -- how do you know about that --

GRACE
If only the guys at your high class poker games knew about that, huh?

TRIP
What -- you --

GRACE
Some habits are hard to break I guess.

MARK
I LIKE WHERE THIS IS GOING

GRACE
Huh?  What, what was that?

GRACE
Your goddamn sports bar...

GRACE
You so desperately want to be high class!  So badly!

TRIP
(little impatient sigh)     -- (interrupted)

MARK
BE AN ACOLYTE KID

TRIP
Alright, yeah, fine...

TRIP
Goddamn italy...

TRIP
I try to reach out to you, I try to be romantic with you, but you're cold, and distant!  I do, I really try!

GRACE
Oh, God...!

MARK
OH GOD DRAMA. DO NOT WANT

GRACE
Alright, you know what,     Mark,

GRACE
I'm going to ask you something.

TRIP
Grace --

GRACE
Trip, let me ask our guest a question.

MARK
ITS SHROOM KING DAMMIT

GRACE
Mark,  yes or no...

MARK
AM I HIGH?

GRACE
In a marriage, shouldn't you try to help the other person get what they want?

MARK
NO

GRACE
What...?!

GRACE
Oh, okay... fine...

GRACE
You keep trying to tell me you love me, Trip, that you're so romantic, but I know you're hiding something from me, goddammit!

MARK
DO WHAT PLEASES THE KING

TRIP
Oh, Jesus...!

MARK
HES CLEARLY CHEATING

TRIP
Yeah, go on, get out of my face!

TRIP
I can't stand frigging looking at you!

TRIP
What the... goddammit!

MARK
I KNOW, SHE'S A BITCH MAN

TRIP
What?!  What are you saying to me?

(MARK comforts trip.)

GRACE
What? Are you talking to me?

MARK
SHE A BITCH

TRIP
No!

TRIP
Mark,  this has never ever happened before...!

MARK
NOW LETS GO SHROOMIN

GRACE
Mark,  (annoyed sigh) Trip can just be so...

TRIP
Oh, we're talking about me again, are we?

GRACE
What?

MARK
OH GOD WITCHCRAFT

GRACE
Mark,  it's time that Trip finally just admits that our marriage --

TRIP
Grace, don't, no, you don't need to --

GRACE
Admits that our marriage is not --

TRIP
Stop it, stop it!     (annoyed sigh)

MARK
...SHROOM KING?

GRACE
Uhh...! God...!

GRACE
Look, let's not focus on just me or you, let's talk about us.

GRACE
Trip, can't you see, it's the way you speak, the way you talk to me...!

MARK
FOCUS ON THE HERESY

TRIP
What, I'm not allowed to be angry?

GRACE
You tell me what to do, you don't -- (interrupted)

MARK
NO

GRACE
No?

GRACE
Ah, you disagree, see, that really helps us...

GRACE
 See, Trip, you've always been this way, from the moment you proposed to me...

MARK
WHAT AM I DISAGREEING TO?

TRIP
Uhh...

TRIP
Let's keep talking about us both, not just one of us.

GRACE
I get so upset when I think about it... God, I regret it so much...

MARK
TALK ABOUT SHROOM KING

TRIP
What?

GRACE
Why did I let you convince me to give up painting?

TRIP
Oh, Christ...    Mark,  uhh...

MARK
WHY DO MY TRIPS END LIKE

GRACE
Trip, it's your fault -- ten years ago, freshly married and just out of college,

MARK
THIS?

GRACE
 you convinced me to go into advertising, instead of art!

TRIP
What?

GRACE
If it weren't for you, -- (interrupted)

MARK
YOU PRICK

TRIP
That's bullshit.

GRACE
Uhh...

TRIP
Look, let's switch the focus to Grace.

MARK
LISTEN TO THE WOMAN

GRACE
You know Trip, it's so annoying when you 'reminisce' about 'the early days'...

TRIP
What...?

MARK
CLEARLY SHE ISNT A HERETIC

GRACE
It was not a happy time, -- (interrupted)

GRACE
No?

TRIP
Ah, you disagree, thank you, you just saying that helps us...

TRIP
 See, Grace, you twist it into something bad!  It's so typical!

GRACE
(frustrated sigh)

MARK
...HERESY?!

TRIP
Look, let's not focus on just me or you, let's talk about us both.

TRIP
You know, Grace, ever since I first proposed to you, almost ten years ago now...

MARK
YOURE GOING IN A CIRCLE

GRACE
Trip...

MARK
AND WHERES MY BOOZE

TRIP
Mark,  come on, I don't feel like fixing drinks at this moment! -- (interrupted)

MARK
WELL FINE THEN.

TRIP
Mark,  -- (interrupted)

GRACE
No, please stop taking sides, it's just going to make it worse!

GRACE
Look, let's not focus on just me or you, let's talk about us.

GRACE
What makes me the most angry, Trip, is what you took away from me.   -- (interrupted)

GRACE
All this stuff...  mmm... Having all this money makes us so happy.  We're so happy, aren't we Trip?

MARK
8BALL, WHAT DO YOU SAY?

(MARK picks up the advice ball.)

(The advice ball reads, "I Doubt It")

TRIP
Jesus, what do you want! Now you're unhappy because we're too well off?

MARK
...HERESY?

(MARK puts down the advice ball.)

GRACE
Why?

(MARK picks up a martini glass 3.)

GRACE
Mark,  thank you. That helps me. -- (interrupted)

GRACE
God,     Mark,  I'm getting really tired of talking about Trip's stuff, God...  -- (interrupted)

MARK
...STEALING HELPS YOU?

TRIP
Look, just quit taking sides, it's going to do more harm than good!  -- (interrupted)

(MARK puts down a martini glass 3.)

TRIP
Uhh...

MARK
IM TAKING SHROOM'S SIDE

TRIP
Let's continue focusing on Grace.

GRACE
Damn it, Trip, you and my parents are always planning these stupid trips I have to go on..

MARK
NO

TRIP
They're vacations! Expensive ones at that!

GRACE
Of course nobody thinks to ask me what I want.

TRIP
Oh, now it's all my fault. Just because your parents and I get along, now it's some big conspiracy.

MARK
...DO I HAVE TO BURN SOMEONE

GRACE
God...

MARK
IM GOING TO TAKE THIS AS YES

TRIP
Look, let's not focus on just me or you, let's talk about us both.

GRACE
I think Trip's afraid of visiting his parents. He does everything he can to avoid seeing them.

TRIP
Afraid of my parents?! My parents are idiots.  -- (interrupted)

MARK
TRIP IS CLEARLY A HERETIC

GRACE
Yes?

GRACE
Ah, that helps him.

TRIP
What!? That's ridiculous. Why would I -- why would I be afraid of their stupid meatloafs and their tacky house and their crappy wine...?

MARK
CLEARLY THEY ARNT HIGH

GRACE
Let's keep the focus on us, our relationship.

TRIP
You know, I can't say Grace never acts loving towards me...

MARK
ITS CLEARLY BAD

TRIP
Mark,  She's all over me at our goddamn parties, trying to look good in front of the guests!

MARK
IN BED. HAHA. SHROOM KING.

MARK
I HAVE THE PERFECT SHROOM

GRACE
Yes?

TRIP
Ah, thank you, just saying that helps us...

TRIP
 See,    Mark,  her acting loving is the only reason I like our stupid parties.

MARK
OF COURSE IT DOES. SHROOMS

TRIP
It's so annoying... Grace, why is it that anytime I want to do something nice for you, you resist it?

MARK
THEN HAVE MOAR PARTIES

GRACE
Yes?

TRIP
Ah, thank you, just saying that helps! -- (interrupted)

GRACE
Trip, maybe if you didn't try to 'convince' me of things, I might want them more...?!

TRIP
Oh, Christ.

GRACE
Why can't... uhh...

MARK
...MUST I BURN YOU TWO?

TRIP
Okay, I've had enough of this bullshit!!

TRIP
Mark,  I know what you're hinting at...

TRIP
about us...

TRIP
about our marriage...

MARK
YOU'RE BOTH HERETICS

TRIP
Do you really want the truth? Huh?

MARK
YES HERETIC

TRIP
Mark,  -- (interrupted)

TRIP
Grace, huh?

MARK
EXPLAIN YOURSELF

GRACE
Yes...!

TRIP
Mark,  see I've actually been paying close attention to what you've been saying.

MARK
HERESY YOU FOOL

TRIP
You've been pushing me tonight.

MARK
OF COURSE I HAVE

TRIP
And I wonder, are you really my friend or not.

GRACE
Trip!

MARK
NO

TRIP
Mark,  Quit interrupting me, let me finish!

MARK
NEVER

TRIP
Mark,  come on -- yes or no...

MARK
NO

TRIP
Do you really think that...

TRIP
criticizing Grace...

TRIP
praising Grace...

TRIP
and what you said about saying 'yes' to the other person...

TRIP
that we're supposed to now understand something about ourselves from all that?

MARK
OF COURSE YOU ARE

TRIP
Is what you've said tonight supposed to add up somehow, to something?

MARK
YES

TRIP
Okay.

TRIP
Grace...

TRIP
uhh...

TRIP
I forced you to marry me, didn't I.

TRIP
When I proposed to you, in front of your parents, on Christmas Eve, and...

MARK
...WOAH WHAT NOW?

TRIP
I knew you wouldn't be capable of saying no.

GRACE
You manipulated me.

MARK
SHROOM KING FEEL AWKWARD

GRACE
And I never did anything about it.

TRIP
Yes.

GRACE
And here we are.

TRIP
uhh...

MARK
AT HERESY

GRACE
uhh...

GRACE
Oh my God...!

TRIP
Mark,  I --

GRACE
I'm going to give you the truth too, Trip.

TRIP
What?!

MARK
HERESY?

GRACE
Trip...

GRACE
Through our whole marriage...   I've let you dominate me.

TRIP
Dominate you...?  What?  I don't --

GRACE
As a kid my parents took care of everything, bought me whatever I wanted...

MARK
YOUVE CHEATEWAIT WHAT

GRACE
made decisions for me.

MARK
SO YOURE SPOILED?

TRIP
But Grace --

GRACE
Trip -- I've used you -- and our apartment full of expensive crap -- to hide.

GRACE
   to hide.

MARK
DO I JUST NOT EXIST NOW?

GRACE
To avoid responsibility for myself.

TRIP
Oh, come on, don't --

GRACE
I can't avoid growing up forever, Trip.

MARK
YES YOU CAN LOOK AT ME

TRIP
Jesus...

GRACE
uhh...

TRIP
Jesus...!

TRIP
Mark,  I, uhh...

TRIP
This changes everything...

GRACE
Yes, it does change everything.

MARK
BECAUSE NOW I HAVE TO BURN

GRACE
I think it's over.

MARK
YOUR PLACE DOWN

TRIP
Grace, what --

GRACE
No!!

GRACE
It's over, Trip, don't you see that?

TRIP
Wha... I -- I just told you --

GRACE
You just told me something about us you should have said a long time ago:

MARK
...THIS ISNT WHAT I EXPECTED

GRACE
You manipulated me into marrying you...

GRACE
And no,    Mark,  please...

GRACE
And about me...

GRACE
From the beginning, I've let you control me.

TRIP
Grace, I --

GRACE
No, Trip, this about me, and it's about us, but it's not about you...

TRIP
Not about me...?  Hey, no, wait!

GRACE
Mark,  I'm sorry.  But thank you, you -- you really helped me.

MARK
ITS ABOUT SHROOM KING

TRIP
Grace!

(Grace opens the front door.)

(Grace closes the front door.)

TRIP
Grace!!

TRIP
Jesus Christ...

MARK
...OK ONTO THE MATTER OF YOU

TRIP
I should have told her that...

MARK
HERETIC.

TRIP
I -- I could have told her that...

MARK
YOU ARNT GONNA CRY ARE YOU?