2F

"Oh boy, that was the best Communion I've every had!" said Winnie, as happy as any pooh bear could ever hope be.
"Glad you enjoyed it," said Jesus, "I ate plenty of honey yesterday, just for you."
King James groaned. "I'd really rather you didn't say things like that," he said, "There are bigger problems to 'fix'. The other team, for instance."
Jesus raised his palms, perfectly diplomatic. "Relax, child. This game is in God in Heaven's hands now."
"Glory to God!" said the Knight, invigorated by that prospect. It'd been forever since the last time God took to the field of war, and probably longer since God was last invested in a ball-game.
Team /christian/ had been enjoying having a cozy table and cushioned chairs in their waiting area, apparently a gift sent by another team, though it was strange that such gifts would be 'sponsored by McDonald's'. They made it much easier to do a service near the field, which meant they could save some time without dirtying their conscience on practice days. As an added bonus, it meant a bit less time aching on pews, which only the most old-fashioned among them seemed to be excited about. Kneeling wasn't so bad on the grass, either, and with such nice accommodations everyone was in a healthy head-space to play some good old fashioned ball. Almost everyone, that is.
"Look at those two disgusting creatures climbing all over each-other," Anderson seethed, "I can't wait for this match to be over."
Jesus chuckled. "Let them be, let them be. It's not good to spend so much time focusing on their sins when Heaven will make them answer for them later, and excessive worrying isn't good for your long-term health."
"My lord, is it not right to make Earth as it is in Heaven, then? Homosexual free, I mean." When Jesus stared at him blankly, the knight quickly bowed his head. "I mean no disrespect."
Jesus found his smile again. Yes, the church had grown a bit enthusiastic since his last departure, but that was nothing that couldn't be fixed. He began to console the crusader, but that one scrawny guy hiding in the back piped up before he could so much as speak a word. "None taken. Back in my day they would whip the whores until they learned their lesson!" Everyone pointedly ignored him, but again Jesus' face twitched, and he took a deep breath. No matter how many times he explained it to him, his Mormon "successor" couldn't seem to understand the point.
Christ-chan tugged on his sleeve and smiled a big smile. "It's okay, Jesus! No need to worry about that right now." Which was of course correct. Jesus was always proud to have such an astute little faithful around. Sure, when he was her age he was busy slaying dragons and demolishing Rabbis in debates, but not everyone could be God made flesh.
Naturally, just as Jesus began feeling better, Bergoglio nodded sagely and ruined the moment. "Forgiveness for all, right?" Jesus thoroughly regretted giving the Vatican free reign of any kind. They'd decided it was a fantastic idea to take the young Argentine and train him wrong as a joke, because what were the odds of some American becoming the Pope? It was just punishment for God to make that indeed the case, but the timing was so... unfortunate.
When no one responded. "Right?" Bergoglio asked, more nervous now.
Jesus stormed towards the field, righteous anger taking hold. "That isn't it at all!" He said, pointing at the field. "Look at them, prancing about!"
Quite conveniently, a pair of girls with mismatched hair frolicked about aimlessly, happy as could be. Team /christian/ watched in horror as they went, amplified as the girls were promptly accosted by an encroaching bully and subjected to uncomfortable, lewd acts, all eyes promptly averted.
"Yes, the Jews' fault," said Nathaneal,
"No, the Bees'," said Pooh,
"Rather, the Muslims'," said the Knight,
"Not the point!" Jesus retorted, "What if Mom had been such? What would have happened then?"
"Well, technically, since it was immaculate conception," began Kings James, but the furious Jesus cut him off mid-quip, "Not! The! Point! Those hand-holding hooligans over there are so estranged from God's light that a proper Angel could horrify them into theism and they'd still be every bit as filthy as they were before!"
"So they should be killed, to cleanse the Earth!" Said the Knight, jubilant.
"No!" Jesus huffed, but when he realized he was turning his frustration on his congregation rather than the unclean world that shaped them, he quickly calmed down. They were blameless for their shortcomings given their clear desire to follow the Faith, and noble in their many successes. What kind of God would he be to turn his holy wroth on his own people without good reason? "It means you tell them time and time again that they should be better than they are, and when they ignore you and find their end as inhuman prancing la-la rejects, you cast them away. That's what it means."
"That sounds pretty brutal, actually." Anderson said, "I never thought about it that way."
Jesus smiled and shook his head sadly. "It's not about brutality, or punishment, my son. It's about choice. Free will, making people choose to get better rather than be served it on a golden platter. That's the problem; we can't convince anyone to be more than they are if We have been abandoned. Never forget to be graceful in victory, and bring transgressors to Grace in their defeat."
"So they could be saved after all, my lord? Even these orientals?" Christ-Chan said. Jesus smiled and patted her head. "Yes, though I must admit it is rather unlikely." Team /christian/ quieted in contemplation over this revelation*.
"I can still kill them though, right?" The Knight asked. He traded quick low-fives with BEGOME and St. Paul and refused to make any sort of eye-contact with Jesus. When whistling blamelessly didn't seem to take the pressure, he amended, "on the field, I mean."
"For all of your faults," Jesus continued, "I have faith in you, that you will bring eyes back to the Faith and God's light." He closed his eyes, enjoying the calm that came with being God under his mortal instrument. "You are the finest collection of faithful that Christendom has, or ever has had, to offer. Broadly speaking." It could be said that team /christian/ was the last bastion of the religion itself. In an increasingly apathetic world, they might well be the final crusade manifest.
That thought rested in their mind, and they joined in Jesus' calm, knew that there was only one choice left: to win.
That was not to say there would not be a fight. If /christian/ had God on its side, /u/ was fighting for Pure Love itself, or perhaps just for pleasure. Where /christian/ sought to recruit saints, popes, and a couple random people who went to church sometimes, /u/ manifested some of the most influential figures in modern romantic history. Whether it was the legendary ShizNat or the Miko Embrace, emblematic of budding love between friends and also other many far more uncomfortable things, they had brought an all-star cast. Even the great Etoile herself made an appearance, finally proving that rumors of her franchise being dead were greatly exaggerated. Even now the team was jubilant, arguing over who should get first dibs on the cute girl from the other team when they won.
One way* or another**, /u/ was going to prove that girls loving girls was something to be both feared and respected, regardless of if some little thing like 'one of the most important religion's hopes and dreams' was standing in its way.






*things anyone who has actually read scripture knows already
**winning a soccer game
***rape