Lost?

Some things I'm going to say in this pastebin may sound a bit insensitive and selfish on my behalf, but I need to be honest.

I don't know if I'm just lost at the moment, or if I'm just going through a rough phase.

The last several weeks haven't been the best in terms of my streaming. I took a lot of days off in May, and a fair amount of streaming I did wasn't my best (i.e the shit attitude I had during most of my proud runs). The big positive I can say is that basically all of my speedrun goals for Kingdom Hearts 1 are done now. The only real thing I have left now is to just complete a Platinum Trophy run. But let me get to the point of this pastebin.

March, April, and the first bit of May this year were incredible for me. Ever since I started running proud any% I've just felt disconnected from this game. This has made my overall presence not the most inviting. I gather this because of how my channel has been doing recently in terms of viewership and following. My channel is in a stagnant state at the moment. It hasn't really grown much in the last several weeks compared to the months before it. I'm still very appreciative to everyone who has supported me the last 6 months, but I can't help but feel like I'm doing something wrong.

I don't want anyone to get any ideas about me "hating" people, because that is just moronic to think about. But deep down I feel like I'm just viewed as back-up streamer in the eyes of a lot of people. Meaning that people won't hesitate to ditch me, or just plain not show up when I go live, whenever someone they like more is live/goes live. I even had someone directly tell me in my chat while I was streaming that they are leaving me to go watch someone else. Not the most reassuring thing to hear when I'm not at my best.

Before you say anything, I know. I'm not begging you to watch, or tell me I'm your favorite streamer. Nor do I expect anyone to watch me and me alone. Things like this will always happen, I'm not ignorant to how the internet works. But here's my point: I feel like I'm not becoming the person I want to, based on my recent streams. I've been trying my best to convey an inviting and pleasant mood to my broadcasts, but it doesn't seem to be enough. Over the last 6 months I've returned to twitch I've been having some of the best times of my life. I don't want those to go away.

After my platinum trophy run of KH1, I will be moving to KH2. I'm only interested in Beginner Any%, and maybe Critical Mode if I feel confident enough. I feel like the move to KH2 will help my mentality in several ways. I can work my way up with improvements instead of being at a top spot in virtually every category like I am in KH1 (Humble brag yes, but it is true. Lack of competition might be what's bothering me). I will actually learn more about KH2's mechanics, something I've been very keen on since learning Beginner Any% for the solo relay 2 months ago. But I guess the major thing to me, as a streamer, is seeing how people react to it. Ultimately I might not stick with KH2 a long while if two things happen: 1. I just don't enjoy running it as much as KH1. 2. The same thing I'm feeling now with my streams still persists.

Ultimately I want to take streaming super far. I won't get there with how my streams have been recently. Kingdom Hearts speedrunning has taken me really far over the last few years. But I feel like if I want to become the streamer I want to be, I'll need to try other things. I'm not saying I would never play it again, but relying on a single series for my streams isn't very practical.

Again, I don't know if I'm just going through a rough patch, or if I need to change things up. Time will tell.

I love all of you.

Mist