thanks obama

Porypan used to be your usual Pan v474. He played music at the disco and at parties. Occasionally he'd get thrown into a dumpster, some random people would show up, duke it out, and then explode him with a bomb by accident. It was pretty wild. In fact, a little too wild. So, he turned to drugs to keep himself sane. Not just the regular amount most Pans tend to have. This guy in particular hit the drugs hard. He's gone and tried every drug that's out there. He even flushed the toilet once. Holy shit.
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​Porypan was at this point leading a rather unsustainable lifestyle. He had made a friend on the internet, someone called Carlisle, but Porypan just called him Carl. Carl urged Porypan to talk to a doctor about his drug problem, but he refused. He was not going to rehab. Instead, he put himself up for adoption on a rather shady looking website, only to be picked up by a certain Hermes unit. Uncle Hermes, Porypan ended up calling him.
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​Uncle Hermes, version unknown, was something of a criminal mastermind, and was aiming to make Porypan his successor in case he ever got assassinated. He would often send Porypan out on "assignments". His first "assignment" was to infiltrate an online community of Fortuna enthusiasts to gain intel on the mysterious planet. Porypan ended up not gaining any intel at all, and just making friends with everyone.
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​For the next couple of years Uncle Hermes would send Porypan on these "assignments", with varying degrees of success. Most notably was the assignment that marked the beginning of Porypan's infamously insane backstory. Everything before this is actually believable. Everything after this, may or may not just be a bunch of drug trips. Though, certain details of his story is confirmed by evidence.
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​Porypan was sent to this obscure haunted restaurant to compete in a sort of squatter's contest for ownership of the establishment. Uncle Hermes wanted the building for... some reason. One person got impaled by a magic tesseract on the first day. Porypan trapped a fairy in a camera, then was trapped in an interdimensional magic walk-in freezer, and his partner was attacked by a shadow slime monster and got his foot stuck in the toilet for all eternity, and at the end, the entire building grew wing and flew off into the sunset. About a month later, Porypan escaped the freezer. Somehow.
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​Exactly what Porypan did next is unknown, but it is to be assumed that he was picked up by a couple of space amish farmers, and then somehow he got trapped in virtual reality for a few days, until some people saved him. After this, Porypan returned to civilization, won the lottery, and went on vacation to an alternate reality where he killed someone with a pancake and was promptly punished by being played like a tuba and exploded. But then an unexpected extradimensional anomaly whisked him away to this notail museum that was hosting a new exclusive exhibit.
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​Porypan was by accident signed up to beta-test the veiwing of this exhibit. Among the other applicants was, surprisingly, Porypan's old friend Carlisle. This was a great opportunity for them to bond, seeing as this was their first time meeting in person. Porypan was also approached by a pair of notails who had applied to beta-test the exhibit, except they were actually planning on stealing it, and wanted Porypan's help with it. However, one of these notails ended up being infected with some strange sort of crocodile hand virus that eventually led to his hands escaping into the exhibit, leaving him handless. When it finally came time to beta-test view the exhibit, for a large variety of strange reasons, only two people were left in the beta-testing team. Porypan and Carlisle. The exhibit turned out to be a horrible crocodile hand abomination. It ate all the hands. It was amazing.
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​After this incident, Porypan contacted Uncle Hermes to get his hands replaced, and was reprimanded for not being able to steal the horrible crocodile monster. It would have earned Uncle Hermes a lot of cash in the horrible crocodile monster black market. So as punishment, Porypan was carted off to rehab, after being given new hands of course. When he got to rehab, though, Carlisle crashed through the wall in a space DeLorean and busted him out. Then they went to space. Porypan Set up a Tweeper account and started live tweeping his journey through space in a space DeLorean. Unfortunately, Carl turned out to be a pretty bad driver. He somehow got a flat tire in outer space and crashed into Nicko's space bus. And then Uncle Hermes picked him up and sent him to Fortuna on another assignment.