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Chaos Is The Spice Of Life (AIE) (still in mid edit)

SpankyBat Nov 13th, 2016 (edited) 1,349 Never
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  1. >Due to unexpected circumstances you have found yourself a resident in a land of talking marshmallow ponies.
  2. >Because fate has a sense of humor there are all kinds of other weird things there too.
  3. >Dragons, Minotaurs, those talking cow... buffalo... things, and wolves made out of trees and bushes.
  4. >Shrubbery wolves.
  5. >You've still got the scars from the time you thought it would be a grand idea to shove your arm down the gullet of one.
  6. >It was so worth it though.
  7. >You are currently doing the rounds patrolling the ramparts of a old crumbling castle.
  8. >These late night shifts on the castle walls always make you sleepy.
  9. >Stretching, you groan and pop your back in several places.
  10. >Having regained feeling in your back you peer over the wall at the darkened town below.
  11. "One of these days I should probably take the girls out to a nice dinner in town or something."
  12. >"Got somewhere in mind Anon?"
  13. >A slightly squeaky voice pops up startling you out of your daydreaming.
  14. >Quickly recovering your composure you turn around and look down at the source of the voice.
  15. >It came from a small blue-grey bat pony with dark purple hair and large violet eyes.
  16. "Hey there tiny, where'd you come from?"
  17. >She looks up at you, frowns, and then promptly stomps on your foot.
  18. "Yeagh!"
  19. >"Just because you're bigger than me Anon doesn't mean I wont whoop your monkey butt."
  20. "Nice to see you too beautiful."
  21. >She breaks out into a giant grin.
  22. >"Now that's how you greet a lady. So anyway, what was this about dinner?"
  23. "You girls have been dealing with all the random craziness that always follows me around so I wanted to do something as a way of saying thanks."
  24. >"If that's the case Anon, I know of this really expensive place in town that I've been dying to go see."
  25. "Dying huh?"
  26. >"That's right, dying. Look I just died a little more standing here."
  27. "You have expensive tastes, you know that?
  28. >She stares at you hungrily.
  29. >"I like what I like."
  30. >She licks her lips and walks a few steps towards you.
  31. >Is it getting warm out here?
  32. >The batpony hops onto the rampart next to you and leans in close, breathing softly on your neck.
  33. >Whew.. it must be this armor because it is really getting warm.
  34. >"Deal... with... it."
  35. >With that she swiftly turns around and smacks you in the face with her tail before hopping off the wall.
  36. >From a few feet away you hear somebody clear their throat.
  37. >"While I am glad the two of you are having fun do I need to remind you that we are currently working?"
  38. >Both of you snap your heads in the direction of the voice.
  39. >It is coming from a well toned pegasus with a cream colored coat, a chocolate colored mane, and emerald eyes.
  40. >You also notice that she's gotten a bit pudgey as of late.
  41. >Probably from all of the sweets she's been snacking on when she thinks everybody is sleeping.
  42. >You aren't going to be the one to tell her that though. You know she'll buck you right in the mouth if you even hinted that she was getting fat.
  43.  
  44. --------
  45. 03/02/17 Edit break
  46. --------
  47.  
  48. >As you look at your visitor she begins to pout and give you those dreaded eyes.
  49. >You never could resist the pouty bat eyes.
  50. "Alright, alright, enough with the blasted eyes already"
  51. >The bat pony lets out a tiny eeeee in victory.
  52. "As you both already know I'm not from Equestria. I'm not even from your world at all. I'm a human from a planet called earth."
  53. >The pegasus narrows her eyes at you impatiently and clears her throat
  54. >"*Ahem* yes, well that's nice and all Anon but why don't you tell us the part we don't already know?"
  55. >Annoyed at her interruption, you reach your arm out and tussle her mane to get even. Once she appears suitably rustled you continue your tale.
  56. "As I was trying to say before I was oh so rudely interrupted..."
  57. >You look at the pegasus as though inviting her to say more. She just continues fixing her mane and glares at you in silence"
  58. "I'm from a place on Earth called New York city. It's much like the cities you have here except people were much ruder."
  59. >You think back to your trip to Manehatten and grimace.
  60. "No wait, scratch that. It's exactly like the cities you have but with more humans and less ponies."
  61. >The bat pony looks at you inquisitively and cocks her head to the side.
  62. >"What did you do there before you ended up here in Equestria?"
  63. >Preparing yourself mentally, you take a deep breath and continue on with your tale
  64.  
  65. >Everything seems to fade to black and the words BEGIN FLASHBACK SEQUENCE appear before you all with a loud pop.
  66. >You flail your arms in surprise at the sudden noise and fall backwards off of your stool.
  67. "Blast it all Pinkie pie! I swear one of these days you're going to do that and I'm gonna have you spend the week in the dungeon!"
  68. >Your companions look on in surprise at your sudden outburst as the pink mare jumps off the wall and vanishes in the darkness below.
  69. >You pick yourself off of the cold stone walkway, pretending to dust yourself off while trying to hide your embarrassment.
  70. >You set yourself on the stool once again before continuing.
  71. "I swear she does things like this just to get a rise out of me. I don't know how you ponies have endured this for so long and haven't lynched her yet."
  72. >Both ponies turn to each other, giggle, and then look back to you replying in unison.
  73. >"Alcohol helps."
  74. >You chuckle at the mental image of them drunkenly dancing while wearing lampshades on their heads.
  75. "Just like you girls now, I was a guard back then. Except the job had a different name, I was what was known as a police officer. Or a cop for short."
  76. >The bat pony snickers and looks at you with a feigned innocent expression on her face.
  77. >"Really Anon? A clop? I didn't know you were that kind of pony.
  78. >Trying to stifle a laugh because you know it will just end up encouraging her, you facepalm and shake your head.
  79. "Seriously? Is there ever a time when your mind isn't in the gutter?"
  80. >She looks up at you with a giant grin showing off her fangs.
  81. >"I'm sorry Anon. It was just too good to pass up"
  82. >you smile and rub her ear causing a content Eeeee to escape her.
  83. "I admit that was pretty good. Now do you want to hear the story or not? I don't plan to stay up here once my shift ends."
  84. >She nods while pretending to zip her lips.
  85. >Satisfied you return to your tale.
  86. >BEGIN FLASHBACK SEQUENCE
  87. "PINNKKIIEE PIIIIIEE!!!"
  88.  
  89.  
  90.  
  91. >Your name is Anon.
  92. >You live in a tiny apartment in a tiny, shitty, building.
  93. >No girlfriend, no wife, no pets, and no relatives to pretend to like.
  94. >Just you and your favorite yellow chocobo plushie.
  95. >Good old Mr.Warkels.
  96. >you've had him since you were a kid. You don't care if people think you look lame for it.
  97. >Ugh. And that damn landlady
  98. >You constantly live in a state of annoyance due to the tiny Asian landlady.
  99. >she seems to just love giving you a problem for any possible reason.
  100. >Last time the problem was that you paid your rent a few days early so she wouldn't start hounding you.
  101. >She instead demanded to search your apartment to find whatever you were hiding.
  102. >You can't stand that old woman.
  103.  
  104. >Stopping at a traffic light you look around.
  105. >On your left you see a group of kids walking down the sidewalk.
  106. >They're carrying schoolbags and can't be more than ten, maybe twelve years old.
  107. "Why aren't they in school? Don't they know the streets aren't safe?"
  108. >Nah, the streets are fine. After all Officer Anon is on the beat.
  109. >You love your job. The pay is okay but the adventure is what draws you.
  110. >You sigh impatiently as one of the kids hits the crossing button delaying your light further.
  111. >Yeah... Adventure.
  112. >You start drumming your fingers on the steering wheel while bobbing your head along with the radio.
  113. "Click click boom, take one last shot because I got nothing to lose."
  114. "Never make it stop cause I just cant get enough"
  115. >You sigh again as the kids slowly make their way across the street to the other side.
  116. "Your arms around my neck and you kiss me too damn good."
  117. "You make me suffer. I'm addicted to youuu."
  118. "Never make it stop 'cause I just cant get enough."
  119. "There's a angel on my shoulder and a devil on my back."
  120. "Hmm hmm hmmmm.... I just can't geeettt enough"
  121. >You bang your hand on the dashboard and growl at the light.
  122. "What is taking this blasted light so long?"
  123. >The light changes over to green as though it heard your complaints and changed just to be rid of you.
  124. >You gun the gas and round the corner.
  125. >You figure you should probably stop the kids and see what they're doing outside of school at this hour.
  126. >From seemingly out of nowhere a grayish-brown pony runs out into the street from your left and stops directly in front of your car.
  127. >a grayish-brown pony with a full five o'clock shadow, a golden skull on it's rump, and well gelled mane.
  128. "What the fuck is that?!"
  129. >You quickly swerve to the right to avoid slamming into the pony and your eyes widen in horror as your car jumps the curb onto the sidewalk.
  130. "Shit shit shit FUCK!"
  131. >There is a loud crunching noise and you slam your face into the steering wheel.
  132. >The remainder of that night is a hazy blur.
  133. >All you can remember was being taken to a hospital and hearing that there was another party that got injured.
  134.  
  135. >Roughly a week later you find yourself standing your boss's office.
  136. >He looks to be in his late forties or maybe his early fifties.
  137. >His diet of fried chicken and jelly donuts destroyed any shape he once had.
  138. >He likes to claim that the boss has to be the biggest.
  139. >He is a big sort of fellow alright. Not tall by any definition but certainly round enough to make up for it and then some.
  140. >And right now he is in your face screaming at you while flecks of chicken spray onto your shirt causing you to wince each time.
  141. >..
  142. >You don't understand what happened and nobody believes your story about the magic pony.
  143. >..
  144. >..
  145. >Hell, YOU don't even believe your own story about the magic pony.
  146. >..
  147. >"ANON!"
  148. >You whip your head up with a start.
  149. >"Are you even listening to me anon?!"
  150. >"We all already know you can't pay attention but at least look like you can!"
  151. >He sighs and plops down in a chair
  152. >"Look Anon... I understand that sometimes accidents can happen to the best of us."
  153. >He looks up at you with a frown that could peel paint.
  154. >"But really Anon, a pony? Are you on drugs boy?"
  155. >When you open your mouth to defend yourself he raises his hand to silence you.
  156. >"They're suing us because of you anon. They want at least a hundred thousand in damages."
  157. >Your jaw drops in horror and you can't find the words to respond"
  158. >"You're being taken off your beat. Hand in your gun with the clerk and come back here for a drug test."
  159. >"You've been a good cop for years Anon and I don't want to lose you if we don't have to."
  160. >You numbly nod your head and he continues.
  161. >"If your test comes back up clean I'll try and find somewhere to stick you until this whole thing blows over or something.
  162.  
  163. >Things were a blur for a while after that.
  164. >You find yourself sitting in the security room of a museum.
  165. >It isn't very big or comfortable in any sense.
  166. >There is a old chair, a desk, some filling cabinets, and a wall full of security monitors.
  167. >It's your first night back to work in over a month so you brought along Mr.Warkels for support.
  168. >The museum has a new exhibit about some Aztec snake statue crap so they wanted you to be extra alert.
  169. >Supposedly it contained a secret that allowed it's owner to control giant serpents.
  170. >Because you know how those Aztecs loved their giant snakes.
  171. >A few hours into your shift boredom starts to sink in.
  172. >You decided to cycle through the camera feeds again while looking at nothing in particular.
  173. >That is until you cycled over to the new exhibit and saw something that made your eyes widen.
  174. "Is that a fucking PONY?"
  175. >You rub your eyes and look again certain that you're seeing things.
  176. >Sure enough it's the very same pony that jumped into the street.
  177. >And it's currently trying to pick the lock on the case holding the new statue.
  178. >Grabbing Mr.Warkels you begin to shout in a increasingly unstable manner.
  179. "I knew it old buddy! I knew I saw that fucking horse! I'm not crazy after all!"
  180. >You practically kick open the office door and rush down the hallways screaming about ponies, revenge, and fucking things in the butt.
  181.  
  182. >Running through exhibit after exhibit you realize that you are still holding onto Mr.Warkels.
  183. >Stopping for a moment you consider putting him down but the sound of breaking glass from nearby spurs you into moving again.
  184. >running as fast as you can, you round the corner into the exhibit and watch as the pony kicks in another glass panel.
  185. >Trying to stop it from destroying anymore expensive stuff you start flailing around and shouting.
  186. "Fucking horse! Haven't you caused me enough trouble already? Why do you even exist?!"
  187. >The pony stops what its doing and looks at you in confusion.
  188. >Apparently in magic pony world they don't have flailing, crazy people running around late at night while holding stuffed chickens.
  189. >Deciding you aren't worth the time it reaches it's mouth into the case and snatches the snake statue.
  190. >When you remember how much that statue is worth you panic and reach for your sidearm before realizing that you don't have one any more.
  191. >You quickly fumble around your belt for something you can use as it begins trotting away carrying the relic.
  192. "Stun gun? No, hes too far away. Flashlight? Yeah, that'll do. This thing is pretty solid."
  193. >Deciding that clubbing the pony is your best bet you run after it.
  194. >Looking back at you it's eyes widen and it starts running as well.
  195. >Because you spent most of your free time playing video games instead of working out the pony quickly outpaces you and vanishes from your sight.
  196. "*Huff...Huff...* Why did I keep putting off that gym membership? *Huff...* Fuck me."
  197. >The sound of thunder and seeing blue and purple lights coming from the next hallway causes you to grit your teeth and keep running.
  198. >You stop short when you see the pony standing in front of a weird swirling portal. He turns and looks at you, somehow holding the relic in his hoof.
  199. >"Ah ha ha ha. Yet another fool falls thanks to the brilliance of Dr. Caballeron."
  200. >"It is nothing personal strange creature, but I have a very wealthy client waiting for this relic on the other side of this gateway."
  201. >After the shit you've been through the last few months you aren't even surprised anymore about a magic talking pony who needs to shave.
  202. "You what you reject midget horse? Fuck you! fuck you right in your damn Indiana Jones ripoff ass!
  203. >Dr. Caballeron's eyes widen and he sneers at you.
  204. "Who are you calling a horse you hairless ape?"
  205. >He gently puts the relic on the floor and charges at you.
  206. "I'll have you know I am a pony stallion of the highest pedigree!"
  207. >Now the two of you are getting pretty close. Mentally apologizing to your old friend you pull your arm back and throw Mr.Warkels at the pony.
  208. "Stallion? With all that crap in your hair I thought you were a drag queen!"
  209. >As Dr. Caballeron goes to retort Mr.Warkels flies true and bounces harmlessly off his face. This however does cause him to stop momentarily and lose his momentum.
  210. >Now within arms reach you heft the flashlight like a shiny club of pony smiting justice and bring it sideways across his face.
  211. >It connects with a meaty crack and causes the pony to stagger to the side.
  212. >Hoping to end this insanity you pull your arm back once again and aim for where you think his brain is.
  213. >Seeing his chance Dr. Caballeron spins around and bucks you in the stomach causing you to fall onto the ground gasping for air.
  214. >After a few seconds of agony you pull yourself up onto your knees and try to stand.
  215. >That is rendered moot by the doctor bucking you square in the chest sending you sliding back into a nearby storeroom.
  216. >There is a loud crash as a shelf collapses and rains pipes of various sizes upon your body.
  217. >The lights in the building all start to flicker on.
  218. "I guess it must be six O'clock and the curator is here."
  219. "Heh... Wonder what she'll have to say about this mess."
  220. >Laughing at the absurdity of this whole situation you start to pull yourself out of the metal pile.
  221. "Heh heh heh... Ha..hahaha!"
  222. >You're a full grown man and you've been getting your ass handed to you by a tiny, talking, magic, pony.
  223. >Still laughing, You spit out a mouthful of blood and start talking to nobody in particular
  224. "This is fucking insane. Somebody must have slipped something strong into my coffee this morning."
  225. "No part of this makes any sense. This is madness, complete and utter insanity."
  226. >~I guess you could say this is...chaos?~
  227. >You look around for the source of the voice in confusion.
  228. >You don't know how but you swear you could hear a grin in the voice.
  229. "I'm losing my god damned mind."
  230. >~Oh come now my dear boy, I know you can hear me quite clearly.~
  231. >Ignoring the obvious signs of a mental breakdown you stay quiet and look around for your flashlight.
  232. >You hear the non-existential voice huff in annoyance.
  233. >~Didn't your parents teach you that it's rude to ignore somebody when they're talking to you?~
  234. >Not finding the flashlight anywhere you grab a good sized lead pipe and head back into the hallway.
  235. >~Oh fine you party pooper, be that way~
  236. >You head back to the portal and find the pony waiting in front of it, the right side of his face swollen and bleeding.
  237. >~My my my, you're quite the beastly fellow aren't you? Look at what you did to that poor pony.~
  238. >Ignoring the voice, that you're certain is just a brain tumor coming on, you stare down Dr. Caballeron.
  239. >He kicks the relic backwards through the portal and advances towards you while holding Mr.Warkels in his mouth.
  240. "You put down Mr.Warkels right now or I swear to every god, demon, and what-the-fuck-ever listening that I will take this lead pipe and permanently rearrange your face"
  241. >~Is that a oath I hear? Very well anon I shall graciously accept your vow.~
  242. >There's that mental grin again.
  243. >Dr. Caballeron looks you in the eye and rips Mr.Warkels head off.
  244. >Time slows to a crawl as you see his head bounce and then roll across the floor.
  245. >The memories of your childhood together come flooding back.
  246. >That time when you first saw him sitting in the clearance bin of a toy store looking lonely.
  247. >That time when your middle-school crush asked you to the movies only to pants you in front of all her friends.
  248. >That time when your father got drunk and beat you without mercy because you tried to stop him from hitting your mother.
  249. >That time when your mother blamed you for your father leaving and took her own life.
  250. >All those times you were bounced from foster homes being seen as little more than a monthly government check.
  251. >That time you finally thought you found someone and she left you standing at the altar.
  252. >Your eyes widen in disbelief you look up at the tiny battered pony.
  253. "Why? Why would you do that?"
  254. >You look back down at the headless body lying limply on the floor.
  255. >Dr. Caballeron spits on the body of Mr.Warkels and turns to walk back to the portal.
  256. >~Oh my~
  257.  
  258. >You feel the shards of your life come crumbling down around you.
  259. >This pony has destroyed everything you had going for you.
  260. >Because of him you killed a child.
  261. >Because of him you lost your job that you loved.
  262. >Because of him people despise you and many wont look you in the eye anymore.
  263. >Because of him you constantly hear people whispering about you behind your back.
  264. >And now... Now he has taken the last stable thing in your life away from you.
  265. >He's taken away your companion of many years.
  266. >He's spit on everything that Mr.Warkels was to you.
  267. >He killed your friend.
  268. >For everything he has done... no, for what he did to Mr.Warkels
  269. >He
  270. >Must
  271. >DIE
  272. >A red tinge grows around your vision and you begin to scream in rage.
  273. "Aaaaggghhh! I'll kill you you fucking rat bastard!"
  274. >~Oh goodie goodie! Let's see some carnage!~
  275. >You pull your arm back and hurl the pipe like a spear catching him in the knee causing him to stumble.
  276. >~That's it my boy! Go for the throat!~
  277. >Running you jump forward and tackle him to the ground, slamming his face into the tiled floor again and again.
  278. >~This is getting good. Now where did I leave the popcorn again? ...Oh well, no matter.~
  279. >Rolling over he kicks you off and sends you into a nearby wall.
  280. >"May discord take you you stupid ape!"
  281. >He spits blood and a few teeth onto the tile flooring and charges at you.
  282. >He rears up and attempts to come down on your head but you quickly roll off to the side and come within arms reach of your pipe.
  283. >Pulling yourself onto your feet you prepare to throw the pipe again but a quickly floored when you get bucked square in the chest again.
  284. >If it weren't for the extra padding of your vest under your shirt you're certain that would have busted a few ribs.
  285. >You crawl backwards and prop yourself up on the wall trying to catch your breath.
  286. >He rears up and comes crashing down on your chest again and again.
  287. >You feel something snap and pain shoots through your body.
  288. >"You scarred my beautiful face! I'll kill you for that!"
  289. >A swift buck to the head sends you slumping to the floor with blood pouring out of your nose.
  290. >He continues to rain down blows upon your body and the corners of your vision begin to blacken.
  291. >You don't even try to put up your arms and ward off the blows anymore.
  292. `Is this really it? Am I seriously going to die here, on the floor, stomped to death by a pony?`
  293. >~Really now anon, that was going so well for you. What happened to getting him back for pooor widdle warkels?~
  294. `Oh its you again huh voice. Well you can just fuck right off too`
  295. >~Now that wasn't very nice of you.~
  296. `I don't really care anymore. I'm going to lay right here on this floor and die and you can't stop me.`
  297. >More blows rain down upon your body crushing your arm and shattering your shoulder.
  298. >~Oh I bet you felt that one.~
  299. `Not really. I can't feel much of anything anymore`
  300. >~*sigh* I can see we aren't getting anywhere like this.~
  301. `Well that's just too damn bad now isn't it.`
  302. >~Anon look over there. Go on boy, look.~
  303. >Your head shifts to the right of it's own accord and you find yourself staring across the room at the shredded head of Mr.Warkels.
  304. >~Remember him anon? Remember the promise you made to him? Remember your vow to me you stupid human?~
  305. >You begin to weep as you stare at your old friend.
  306. >~You don't have to die anon. I can help you. I can heal your wounds. We can avenge your stuffed bird.~
  307. >~All you have to do is trust me and let me in.~
  308. `what do I have left to lose? I'm dying now anyway. Sure thing voice what do you have in mind?`
  309. >Dr. Caballeron takes on a grayish hue and freezes in place.
  310. >You don't seem to be able to move either but at least the beating has stopped for the time being.
  311. >~Stopping a pony in time takes quite a bit of effort so I hope you appreciate this.~
  312. `Since none of this feels like a hallucination I assume you're real to huh?`
  313. >~What was it your first clue anon? Was it the time stopping or the talking pony? It was the pony wasn't it?~
  314. `Alright I get it, you're real. So what do you want me to do?`
  315. >~What I want anon, is for you to trust me.~
  316. `to... trust you?`
  317. >~Yes anon, trust me. With all that blood you've lost have you become hard of hearing as well?~
  318. >~It is so hard to come by trust these days. Nopony seems to feel very trusting anymore.~
  319. `Alright, fine. I'll trust you. So now what happens now?`
  320. >A mask appears in your hand.
  321. >It's a very familiar looking mask but you can't quite place where it's from.
  322. >The mask looks like a blank cream colored face with two empty holes for eyes and several slits across where the mouth would be.
  323. `What's up with the mask?`
  324. >~it's a whole symbolical thing. Don't ask me, it's your brain.~
  325. `whatever so I just put on the mask? That's it?`
  326. >~Yup, that's it. However in exchange for my help you need to do me one teensy thing.~
  327. `There's always a catch huh? Name your price.`
  328. >~All you have to do is make your way to Celestia's castle.~
  329. `I don't even know what you're talking about, but fine. You've got a deal.`
  330. >With that you place the mask onto your face and every nerve in your body ignites in a wave of agnoy.
  331. >You start flailing around and writhing in agony.
  332. "Aaagghh! What did you do to me?!"
  333. >`I never said it would be painless anon. Now quite being so dramatic about it.`
  334. >Your bones begin to crack apart and slide back into place before knitting themselves back together.
  335. >Dr. Caballeron no longer is frozen in place and takes a step back away from you with a look of fear on his face.
  336. >"what.. what are you doing you ape? Stop that right now!"
  337. >His eyes widen and he backs himself into a corner.
  338. >"You stop that this instant do you hear me?"
  339. >Your body finishes rebuilding itself and you pull yourself to your feet.
  340. >~And now for one more little push in the right direction.~
  341. >You feel your body expanding and changing.
  342. >Your muscle mass increases, rows of razor sharp fangs erupt from your jawline, and your fingers warp and twist reforming into claws.
  343. >The edges of your vision turn yellow and you bellow in rage.
  344. >~Yes, that's right anon. Get angry. Be the monster that I know you can be.
  345. >Relishing your newfound strength you rush forward and slam Dr. Caballeron into the wall.
  346. >Not letting him get the chance to flee you grab one of his back legs and twist it as hard as you can.
  347. >There is a loud popping noise followed by the sound of a pony screaming in pain.
  348. >You shift your grip so that you're choking him with your left hand and then begin to pummel his face.
  349. "I'll...*Thwack* end...*Thwack* you...*Thwack* you...*Thwack* son...*THWACK* of...*THWACK* a...*THWACK* bitch!"
  350. >*CRACK*
  351. >His jaw hangs limply, his face is battered and bruised, one eye is swollen shut, and blood is running from his snout in a thick stream.
  352. >He looks you in the eye with his one good eye and begins to whimper.
  353. >You see a purple and blue baboon-like creature step out of the portal and look around in annoyance.
  354. >It is walking on four limbs, has a cat-like head, and a blue hand on it's tail.
  355. >The baboon begins to shout at nothing in particular.
  356. >"MUST I DO EVERYTHING MYSELF?"
  357. >"CABALLERON WHERE ARE YOU?"
  358. >Snorting, you throw the limp body of Dr. Caballeron at the feet of the baboon.
  359. >It slides across the floor leaving a trail of blood.
  360. "Does this belong to you?"
  361. >Wordlessly the baboon picks up Dr. Caballeron with his tail and walks back through the portal.
  362. >As you try to follow them through the portal your body is wracked in pain and you fall to the ground.
  363. >All of the changes undo themselves leaving you in shreds of clothing and covered in blood.
  364. >~Nuh-uh anon. We had a deal and you're going to keep your end.~
  365. "Agh!"
  366. `stop messing with my body! They're getting away!`
  367. >A new portal appears to your left and you hear the voice again.
  368. >~You'll have time to play with them again later anon. But for now you are going to go through this portal.~
  369. `And if i refuse?`
  370. >More waves of pain wrack your body as your bones begin to split apart.
  371. >You roll around and claw at the tile floor trying to crawl away from the pain.
  372. `Alright! You win! I'll go!`
  373. >~That's a dear. Now before you go just remember two things.~
  374. >~My name is discord and until you fulfill your end of the deal you belong to me.~
  375. `Discord? What kind of name is that?`
  376. >There is only silence.
  377. >Welp, your vest is destroyed and your belt snapped off when your body did that freaky thing.
  378. >Sighing you pick your old police belt off the floor and step through the portal.
  379.  
  380. >It is night time and there is a lovely moon hanging in the sky.
  381. >You also find yourself falling through the sky at a frightening speed.
  382. >You look down at the ground hurtling at your face and grimace.
  383. >Yup, this is gonna hurt like a bitch.
  384. >You fall into some trees and break every branch on the way down.
  385. >The foliage slowed you enough so that you wouldn't splatter but sadly not enough to keep you conscious.
  386. >..
  387. >..
  388. >..
  389. >You hear voices nearby and slowly come to.
  390. >"There it is!"
  391. >you open your eyes and see nothing but dirt.
  392. >"Are you certain that is the thing they saw falling last night?
  393. >You pick your face out of the dirt and groggily look around.
  394. >"I have no idea but look at the size of this crater and all those broken branches."
  395. >You're laying in a hole in what appears to be a... apple orchard?
  396. >"Oooh that apple mare isn't going to be happy about this one bit when she comes by."
  397. >You look up in the direction of the voices and see three armored ponies. Well more of two unicorns and a pegasus.
  398. >The pegasus points a hoof in your direction and bounces around excitedly.
  399. "Look! Look! I think it's awake!"
  400. >The pegasus hurriedly hops down into the hole and runs towards you.
  401. "Hey mister, are you okay? What happened? Where did you come from? What are you?"
  402. >This pony is coming too close far too fast.
  403. >Given the recent events you do the one reasonable thing and scream.
  404. >You also whip out your stun gun and light up that poor pony.
  405. >You hear the other two unicorns begin shouting something illegible and then a log flies at your head causing everything to go black. >Again.
  406.  
  407. >You awaken to find yourself sitting on a hard stone floor with both of your arms chained to a wall above your head.
  408. >Your body is hurting all over and just thinking about it is making it feel worse.
  409. >The room is dark and the only source of light is coming from a tiny slit in what you guess is a door.
  410. >You try to think back to how you ended up here but everything is fuzzy.
  411. >Did you go blackout drinking again?
  412. >You couldn't have. You had work last night.
  413. >You don't feel like you have a hangover and you don't typically wake up chained to a wall when you get drunk.
  414. >Well there was that time you went drinking at a gay S&M bar on a bet.
  415. >We don't talk about that night.
  416. >Worst twenty bucks you ever made by far.
  417. >You rock your head back and forth trying to shake the grogginess and end up hitting it on the stone wall behind you.
  418. >Ow.
  419. >Oh yeah, now your head really hurts.
  420. >...
  421. >Annd now you've gotta pee.
  422. >Just wonderful.
  423. >You try calling out to see if anybody is within earshot.
  424. "Hello?"
  425. >...
  426. "Is anybody there?"
  427. >...
  428. "We're gonna have a problem in here soon if somebody doesn't gimmie a hand."
  429. >...
  430. >You take a deep breath and listen for any sort of noise.
  431. "HEEEYY!"
  432. >...
  433. >This floor is cold.
  434. >Your back hurts.
  435. >Your butt hurts.
  436. >You hear a faint clopping noise steadily getting closer.
  437. "Hey! Hey! ....Hello?"
  438. ...
  439. >A shadow moves in front of the slot drowning the room in darkness.
  440. "Oh thank god finally someb-"
  441. >Your words are interrupted by the stamping of a hoof and a loud neigh.
  442. >"YOU WILL BE SILENT APE."
  443. >What is with people calling you an ape today?
  444. >"FOR YOUR CRIMES AGAINST THE HOLY EMPIRE OF CELESTIA YOU HAVE BEEN SENTENCED TO THE DUNGEONS."
  445. >Crimes?
  446. >Oh right, the whole lighting of the Christmas tree pony thing.
  447. "Look if this is about that armored pegasus tell it I'm sorry."
  448. >"I SAID TO BE SILENT APE."
  449. >"HER ROYAL MAJESTY WILL BE GRACING YOU WITH HER ROYAL PRESENCE IN A MOMENT."
  450. >"YOU SHOULD BE HONORED APE."
  451. >Again with the ape name calling.
  452. >This is starting to get really annoying.
  453. "For fucks sake man, what is with the ape crap?
  454. >"WATCH HOW YOU SPEAK TO ME APE."
  455. >You sigh and shake your head.
  456. >This is getting you nowhere fast and you really, really have to pee now.
  457. >"MY NAME IS IRONHOOF AND I AM CAPTAIN OF THE 32nd ROYAL PONY ELITE"
  458. >Oh, so you're dealing with a drill instructor basically. That explains the shouting.
  459. >A brief cough can be heard from nearby.
  460. >"Ironhoof, if you're done waking everypony in the castle may I speak with the prisoner?"
  461. >"AH! I DIDN'T HEAR YOU ENTER YOUR MAJESTY."
  462. >The voice groans.
  463. >"That is well and all but please stop shouting. I was up very late thanks to this creature and I have a headache."
  464. >Ironhoof mumbles an apology and quickly moves to the side letting light into the room again.
  465. "Hey, whoever is out there I really gotta go to the bathroom over here."
  466. >The voice responds in a slightly confused manner.
  467. >"There is a bucket nearby. Can you not do it yourself?"
  468. >Piss in a bucket you can't see?
  469. >Oh hell no.
  470. >Even if you were completely sober and not chained up in a pitch black horse dungeon you would have trouble doing that.
  471. "Not going to happen horse lady."
  472. >"Horse...lady?"
  473. "well, whatever you are. I can't see a damned thing in here and I sure as shit can't go to the bathroom with my arms chained up above me."
  474. >"By arms I assume you refer to the limbs higher up on your midsection?"
  475. "Yes. Those things are called arms and we humans use them to do stuff with."
  476. >"What is a human?"
  477. >You sigh in frustration while trying to pull yourself up into a standing position.
  478. "Alright, listen up mysterious voice. I am seriously about to make a mess of my pants and this cell. I will be overjoyed to answer any and every possible thing you could want to know but.."
  479. >"But?"
  480. "Just take me to a god forsaken toilet!"
  481. >Things are silent for a moment before the door swings inward flooding the room with blinding light.
  482. >A tiny white pony in bronze armor with what looks remarkably like a toilet brush on his head walks in.
  483. >"IN HER INFINITE GENEROSITY AND KINDNESS PRINCESS CELESTIA HAS SEEN FIT TO ALLOW YOU TO LEAVE THE CELL AND BE ESCORTED TO A BATHROOM."
  484. >Good god in hell does this guy ever stop with the yelling?
  485. >You hear a low growl come from the other side of the doorway.
  486. >"Did I not ask you to keep it down? Do I have to ask you again?"
  487. >Ironhoof looks like he turns a shade or two whiter.
  488. >"NO! err... no, your majesty. I am truly sorry for that and will not do it again."
  489. >"Very well. Show our guest to the throne room after it is done with it's business."
  490. >You hear soft clopping echoing down the hallway before the room falls silent again.
  491. >Looking at Ironhoof you let out a chuckle and give him your best shit eating grin.
  492. "Well brushie head, you heard the lady. Let's get going."
  493. >Ironhoof unlocks your chains with his mouth before spinning around and bucking you in the chest knocking you backwards into the wall.
  494. >"WELL APE? DIDN'T YOU HEAR HER MAJESTY? GET OFF YOUR HINDQUARTERS AND MOVE IT."
  495. >Ow. You know that's gonna bruise later.
  496. >That's how it's gonna be huh?
  497. >Alright. You can play that game too.
  498. >You pick yourself up off the floor and limp after him not giving him the chance to change his mind.
  499. >You pass several other ponies on your way out of the dungeon and into the castle and every one of them looks at you like you're going to eat them.
  500. >But you don't care. You're too busy gawking at the castle to pay much attention to anything else.
  501. >That is until Ironhoof points to the bathroom at the end of the hallway.
  502. >Taking off at top speed you leave Ironhoof behind and leapfrog a pony who was walking too slow for your tastes.
  503. >You don't even slow down when you hear ole brushie shouting again.
  504. ...
  505. >Aah that feels much better.
  506. >Not really listening anymore you follow the pony with a Napoleon complex through various hallways until you come to a large set of wooden doors with a sun and moon on them.
  507. >There are two more armored ponies standing at attention in front of the doors.
  508. >"THIS IS WHERE HER MAJESTY'S THRONE IS. YOU WILL SHOW YOUR BEST BEHAVIOR OR I WILL SEE YOU THROWN BACK INTO THE DUNGEON UNTIL YOU ROT."
  509. >You wave him off and walk past the other ponies without so much as as a glance.
  510. >You laugh as you hear a stream of profanity leave his mouth.
  511. >Your laugh turns into a groan as you enter the throne room.
  512. >Sitting on the throne, eating a piece of cake, is a white horse with a flowing, technicolor mane.
  513. >You're guessing she's the one in charge here since she is the biggest and nobody else seems to have any cake.
  514. >However what you focus on is the much smaller, cream colored pegasus standing to her side with a blank expression on her face.
  515. >Aww hell.
  516.  
  517. >standing in the doorway of the throne room you look around again.
  518. >There are several heavily armored guards standing on either side of a long red carpet leading up to a set of stairs.
  519. >located in the center of the uppermost step is a large wooden throne that's sole occupant is a large white horse with a white horn, a sun branded on her butt and a flowy, ice cream looking mane.
  520. >You have this sudden craving for ice cream.
  521. >Ooh! Even better, you want a ice cream shake.
  522. >A image of a beautiful looking chocolate shake with a cherry on top pops into your mind. You can almost taste it.
  523. >Actually, you're pretty sure that if you try hard enough you cou-
  524. >Your thoughts are interrupted by a nudge from one of the door guards.
  525. >You glare at the guard for interrupting your thoughts and it points in the direction of the throne.
  526. >Your head is throbbing.
  527. >Trying to downplay your discomfort, you shrug your shoulders and walk down the carpet stopping at the bottom of the steps.
  528. >why is your head hurting?
  529. >It feels like you're squashed in your own skull.
  530. >Grrr...
  531. >If that stupid horse did any damage while you were in the dungeons you're going to turn him into a bathmat.
  532. >Not one of those floofy mats either, hes gonna be a ratty gas station mat.
  533. >The pegasus shifts uncomfortably from side to side.
  534. >You feel your chest itching so you absentmindedly scratch it before giving a heavy bow to the big horse and then to the pegasus.
  535. >Ah yes, the tiny hyper one.
  536. >You remember her. She lit up so beautifully when you hit her with the stun gun.
  537. >Wait, what?
  538. >Why did you remember it like that?
  539. >No. Bad brain, we weren't thinking right and panicked. There was nothing beautiful about any of it.
  540. >Are we sure anon?
  541. >well now that you think of it...
  542. >No. Stop it brain. What has gotten into you today?
  543. >Your head is really hurting now.
  544. >Did we remember to clean the lint trap before we left for work today?
  545. >I do so hope we remembered to clean the lint trap.
  546. >You hate it when linty stuff gets all over your things.
  547. >Your thoughts are interrupted again by the sound of the white horse clearing her throat.
  548. >You are getting very tired of these constant interruptions.
  549. "Ah, yes. Please forgive me your majesty. Where are my manners today?"
  550. >Princess Celestia looks at you and raises an eyebrow.
  551. >"You seem very distracted Mr. human. Are you feeling unwell?"
  552. >Scratching at your chest again you stand up quickly and walk up the steps until you are just below her.
  553. >Looking her directly in the eye you grin from ear to ear showing far too many teeth.
  554. "Not at all your majesty. I am simply overwhelmed by the hospitality you showed me while I was resting in your dungeons."
  555. >She looks at your teeth and then looks around nervously.
  556. >Scooting back slightly she coughs into a hoof.
  557. >"*Ahem* Yes, well... we.. uh.. we had to make sure you weren't going to go on a rampage and hurt yourself or anypony else."
  558. >You scratch your chin pretending to be in deep thought.
  559. "Hmm.. I'm terribly sorry your highness but i haven't the slightest idea what your talking about."
  560. >You kneel on the step putting you at eye level with the pegasus.
  561. >You stare deeply into her emerald eyes while slowly inching closer
  562. >Once your faces are mere inches apart, you boop her right in the snoot.
  563. >She scrunches her face and takes a step back before glaring at you.
  564. >Laughing you lean forward and boop her again.
  565. "What about you sweetie? Do you have any idea what princess Celestia could be talking about?"
  566. >She rubs her nose and does her best to hide her irritation.
  567. >"How can you not know! You did that thing and I felt funny and I couldn't move and everything hurt and.."
  568. >You quickly stand up and laugh causing her to take another step back.
  569. >Holy shit, why is everything so damn bright. You've had hangovers where things weren't nearly this bright.
  570. >And swimmy. Why is your vision swimming?
  571. >You put your hand on your head and groan.
  572. >The pressure is getting worse and your stupid chest keeps itching.
  573. >Celestia motions for the guards standing nearby to come forward and you soon find yourself surrounded by eight heavily armored ponies.
  574. >Ponies who look ready to pile on you the moment you do anything slightly odd.
  575. >Which given your current behavior could happen in any second.
  576. >The pegasus however stays firmly rooted by the throne not wanting to get within arms reach of you again.
  577. >Taking your hand away from your face you look around as if finally seeing your surroundings for the first time.
  578. "Ugh... I'm sorry your majesty. I.. I don't know what got into me. I'm really not like this most of the time."
  579. >Celestia raises a hoof again and the guardponies take a few steps while remaining on alert.
  580. >"Your behavior has been very concerning since you arrived here but I am not without compassion and understanding."
  581. >No longer seeming quite so intimidated she descends the stairs and begins to circle you while studying your body.
  582. >"You call yourself a human but what are you exactly?"
  583. >Now feeling awkward about being nearly naked you attempt to cover yourself up as much as possible.
  584. "My name is anonymous but I prefer to go by Anon for short. My race is known as a human."
  585. >Satisfied with her examination Celestia returns to her throne.
  586. >"Where are your kind from anon?"
  587. "I'm from a city called New York. It's located in the united states of America."
  588. >The princess looks puzzled.
  589. >"This America you speak of, I have not heard of it before. I know much of the surrounding lands so either you are from very far away..."
  590. >Celestia puts on a stern face and looks you in the eye.
  591. >"...Or you are lying anonymous."
  592. >The pain in your skull is reaching near unbearable levels and you can feel a trickle of blood dripping out of your nose.
  593. >You whip your head back and laugh manically causing blood to splatter on Celestia's face.
  594. "Heh heh heh... AH ha ha ha!"
  595. >You throw your arms into the air and spin around while climbing the stairs.
  596. >You are standing in front of Celestia now.
  597. >You lean forward until you are close enough to feel the heat of her breath before smiling again.
  598. >Her eyes widen and she sharpy inhales.
  599. >That's right anon, these ponies SHOULD fear you.
  600. >You can almost taste her fear.
  601. >wait... You can. It's like somebody stuck a penny under your tongue.
  602. >It tastes delicious.
  603. >You slowly bring your hand to her face and gently drag your thumb across her cheek.
  604. "Why my dear girl, you wound me. I am merely a visitor to your kingdom wrenched from my own lands by no actions of my own."
  605. >You walk back over to where the pegasus is standing before kneeling in front of her again.
  606. "This one here can attest to my story. After all, who throws themselves from a great height into the midst of a apple orchard for fun?"
  607. >Celestia looks over at her and she nods slowly while never taking her eyes off of you.
  608. >"I shall send a group of guards over to where you were found. They shall investigate your claims and report back to me."
  609. "But of course your majesty. I wouldn't ask for anything less."
  610. "However your highness if I may request a boon from you?"
  611. >She narrows her eyes before motioning you to continue.
  612. "As I said before, I am a stranger to these lands with no place to go and nothing to call my own beyond these tattered clothes you see."
  613. >Celestia considers your words for a moment before nodding her head.
  614. "Once you have verified that my claims are true I request a place in this kingdom to stay as well as a job so that I can provide for myself"
  615. >Several guards begin voicing their protest until Celestia raises a hoof silencing them.
  616. >"You ask of me quite a lot considering the circumstance we find yourselves in."
  617. >Your chest is itching so badly it is starting to hurt.
  618. >Celestia pauses for a second and looks back at you.
  619. >"You never went into detail anonymous, how exactly did you find yourself falling out of the sky?"
  620. >You look around at everybody before focusing back on Celestia.
  621. "Why Discord brought me here of course."
  622. >As the words leave your mouth Celestia jumps back and every guard in the room, even the pegasus, pile on you.
  623. >The pressure in your skull has become too much and you fall into darkness once again.
  624.  
  625. >You are anon.
  626. >And once again you find yourself waking up in a strange place with no idea how you ended up there.
  627. >Your body hurts all over and you think your nose is clogged with dried blood.
  628. >>Once the pain has made itself known the rest of your senses seem to come online and you feel something warm and fluffy under you.
  629. >Propping yourself up on your elbow you open your eyes and look around.
  630. >you find yourself alone in a small room. There is a bed, coffee table looking thing, a few tiny chairs, and a dresser.
  631. >The walls are made of a grey stone and do not look like you'll be able to tunnel your way out with a spoon any time soon.
  632. >There is a single large wooden door set in one of the walls and a smaller door set off to the other side.
  633. >There is also a window set in the nearby wall. It is clearly night out right now and your room has a lovely view of the moon and stars.
  634. >Your bed is a simple one by any standard but is surprisingly comfortable. It's just a hair short for your size and comes with a thin red blanket and single pillow.
  635. >Compared to the ditches and cells you've been finding yourself in as of late it feels like heaven.
  636. >Sitting up fully you look yourself over and check for any long term injuries.
  637. >Considering that you've been getting your ass kicked by magical cartoon horses all of your injuries seem superficial at best.
  638. >The spot where the loud horse kicked you is all pink and tender looking but not bruised at all.
  639. >That should have been busted up pretty good by that last kick you took.
  640. >That's weird. Like really weird.
  641. >Ignoring the physics of magic horse land for  moment you do a mental check list.
  642. >Awake? Check.
  643. >In pain? Double check.
  644. >Idea where we are? Not a clue.
  645. >All organs firmly where they belong?
  646. >You poke yourself in the stomach a few times checking for proper squishy.
  647. >Yeap, all good.
  648. >"What are you doing?"
  649. >You look up and find a tiny blue-grey pony standing in the doorway of the smaller door.
  650. >A pony with dark purple hair, midnight blue pony sized armor, and... bat wings?
  651. >It cocks its head to the side and waits for you to respond.
  652. "I'm uh... checking to see if all my insides are where they should be."
  653. >"Are they?"
  654. >You poke around a few times for good measure.
  655. "I think so."
  656. >"How can you be certain?"
  657. "I'm not really sure. I guess they just are."
  658. >"Oh. alright then"
  659. "uh... yeah."
  660. >You stare at each other for a moment.
  661. >The pony walks a few steps closer. Shes just out of arms reach now.
  662. >You pull the blanket out from under yourself and attempt to cover as much of your body as you can.
  663. >With such a small blanket that isn't very much.
  664. "Sooo..."
  665. >"Hmm?"
  666. "Is there something I can help you with?"
  667. >"Not particularly no."
  668. "Oh..Okay then."
  669. >You look around the room again before looking back at the bat pony.
  670. >She is staring at you.
  671. "So why exactly are you staring at me so intently?"
  672. >The bat pony shrugs it's shoulders.
  673. >"I dunno. I was told to keep a watch on you throughout the night so that's what I'm doing."
  674. "You were told to watch me?"
  675. >"Yuppers."
  676. "That's it?"
  677. >"That's it."
  678. "This conversation isn't going anywhere is it?"
  679. >"Not really."
  680. "Oh."
  681. >Your head starts to feel fuzzy.
  682. >You crack a grin and pose dramatically with one hand on your face.
  683. "Well now little purple pony, this just simply will not do."
  684. >She raises an eyebrow and continues staring.
  685. >"This?"
  686. >Motioning to the surrounding room, you pull yourself out of the blanket and get out of the bed, popping and cracking as you do so.
  687. >She takes a step back cautiously.
  688. "Yes, this. This right here."
  689. >She looks around confused before looking back at you.
  690. >she gasps in surprise as now you're standing inches away from her.
  691. "You see, where I'm from we keep bad ponies in rooms like this. Are you trying to tell me that I'm a bad pony?"
  692. >She recovers her wits and glares up at you.
  693. >"I don't know what you did or why the princesses wanted you in here but this is where they wanted you so this is where you'll stay."
  694. "You're a very brave pony aren't you?"
  695. >She puffs out her chest fluff and looks proud of herself.
  696. >"You got that right mister."
  697. "Oh absolutely. The bravest" I mean just look at where you are."
  698. >You notice one of here ears twitch slightly at that.
  699. >Her fluffy, fluffy ears.
  700. >So fluffy looking. You have to touch them.
  701. >Must touch fluffy ear...
  702. >Before you can stop yourself, you reach out and gently grab hold one of her ears and start rubbing it with your thumb.
  703. >"Hnnn...."
  704. >Caught in fluff induced euphoria you fail to notice but her face has taken on a slightly redder coloration.
  705. >"Hey! What are you doing!?"
  706. >The fuzziness in your head vanishes in a flash leaving you slightly confused.
  707. >The pony squirms and you quickly let go of her ear.
  708. "Oh crap, I'm sorry about that. I noticed your ear and it was just so fluffy that I had to touch it."
  709. >Sitting on her haunches she holds her ears to her head while looking indignantly at you.
  710. "Where are you from that you can just go and grab anyponies ear huh?"
  711. >Frowning you look down then go sit back on the bed several feet away.
  712. "I'm from a place far away and I don't have the slightest clue on how to go back."
  713. >She slowly pulls her hooves away from her ears and scoots closer to you.
  714. >"Far away huh? How'd you end up here?"
  715. "I don't have the slightest clue really."
  716. >She scoots even closer, practically leaning on the foot of the bed now.
  717. >"You really have no idea how you ended up here?"
  718. "Not at all. You think that's bad, I've got one even better for you."
  719. >She hops op the bed and sits cautiously near your leg.
  720. >"what's that?"
  721. "Not only do I not know where I am, I've been beaten up by multiple ponies for reasons beyond me, I keep waking up in new rooms every time I close my eyes, and I think I might be going completely insane."
  722. >She rests her chin on your thigh completely forgetting about the unease minutes prior.
  723. >"Wow.. That does sound pretty rough."
  724. "Tell me about it. I even ended up sitting in a hole in the ground and a bunch of unicorns beat me in the head with a log."
  725. >At the mention of unicorns she frowns and starts to sniffle.
  726. "I hate unicorns *sniff* they're all so full of themselves."
  727. >She starts to cry silently while trying to hid her face in her mane.
  728. >Brain to anon. Come in anon.
  729. >This is anon.
  730. >Bat poner is starting to cry. I repeat, cute bat poner is crying.
  731. >What the fuck did you do anon?
  732. >You quickly scramble backwards into a corner trying to put as much distance between yourself and the crying pony as possible.
  733. "No. NO no no no"
  734. >You wave your arms around frantically as her crying picks up momentum and volume.
  735. >Most noticeably volume. Holy hell this tiny bat pony has some lungs on her.
  736. >"I hate unicorns! They all suck! WAAAAAHHHH!!!!"
  737. >Brain to anon.
  738. >Unless you do something soon we will never engage boner again do you hear me?
  739. >Oh shit son this is serious.
  740. >Having no idea how to calm her down you say the only thing you can think of.
  741. "Do you wanna talk about it?"
  742. >She looks up at you through red rimmed eyes.
  743. >"You don't care, you just want me to be quiet"
  744. >You notice that she has stopped the water works and take it as a sign to continue.
  745. "No, I really want to know. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if after seeing such a cute pony so upset I didn't try to help somehow.
  746. >"*Sniff* do you really mean it?"
  747. >You slowly scoot forward and gently begin stroking her mane. She seems to enjoy this so you decide to press your luck and pull her onto your lap.
  748. "Of course. You can tell me anything. After all, who am I gonna tell? I don't even know who you are."
  749. >She looks up at you as though considering how honest you were being.
  750. >"Scarlet."
  751. "Scarlet?"
  752. >"Yes, scarlet. That's my name. What about you?"
  753. >You continue stroking her mane slowly.
  754. "Well Scarlet my name is Anon, it's nice to meet you. So why don't you tell me what has you so upset?
  755. >"Well anon, it started with me going to a pub with a bunch of the other bat ponies from the night guard."
  756. "Uh huh, go on..."
  757. >Boy does she.
  758. >You swear at least an hour, maybe even two, have gone by and you can no longer feel your legs.
  759. >But at least the pony in your lap has stopped crying.
  760. >And for some reason Scarlet decided she would be more comfortable if she piled all of her armor on the table instead of wearing it.
  761. >"And so after I had waayyy too much to drink I hopped onto the table and started dancing."
  762. >You chuckle a bit at the mental image of a tiny pole dancing bat pony.
  763. "You were dancing on the table?"
  764. >"It was fun at first and all, but then the unicorns at the table nearby started whistling and throwing bits at me."
  765. >You can already guess where this is heading.
  766. >"I tried to ignore them but they started calling me a whorse and saying they wanted to rent me for a private show."
  767. >You pay the scene over in your head. Yup, sounds like a typical night at a club over in the city.
  768. >Scarlet buries her face in her hooves and lets out a loud wail.
  769. >"Now every time I pass any of the ponies who were there they either snicker or start calling me a cheap whorse. I can't stand it!"
  770. >Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
  771. >Bat poner is crying again.
  772. >Think anon think, what do you do with crying things?
  773. >Agh, you always sucked with kids. You just stuck them in front of the TV and put on Disney or some such musical crap.
  774. >Oh god no. Please not that brain, anything but that.
  775. >The tears are starting to soak your leg and you're pretty sure if anybody was within earshot they would think you were torturing her.
  776. >You sigh, swallow your pride, and cup her chin bringing her gaze up to your face.
  777. "Shhh... Scarlet. It's okay now. Do you wanna know what they say where I come from when we're sad?"
  778. >She nods slightly.
  779. >You move your hand away from her chin and take a deep breath trying to look deep in thought.
  780. `oh god brain don't fuck this up now.`
  781. >~Hello my good chap, having a spot of funsies with the bat are we?~
  782. `Discord! Where the hell have you been? Do you know the crap I've gone through since you put me here?`
  783. >~We'll have plenty of time to talk later anon, but first what do you plan to do about your little marefriend over here?~
  784. >Scarlet looks over at you expectantly.
  785. `I don't know right now, I'm still working on it`
  786. >~I can help you anon but there will be a price to pay later.~
  787. `I don't care discord, shes upset. Do something!`
  788. >Discord chuckles in your head.
  789. >~There is always a price for everything anon. Sometimes we just aren't aware of how much it costs until much later on.~
  790. >The voice fades from your mind as you feel your body jump into motion.
  791. >You leap off the bed and land on your feet with your arms thrown high in the air.
  792. >Scarlet gasps at your sudden movement.
  793. >Acting as though you just noticed her presence you turn and face her.
  794. "That's right my dear girl, do you know what we say back home?"
  795. >She shakes her head sightly.
  796. >You lean forward with your hand cupped to your ear as though you were trying to hear a faint noise.
  797. "What was that, I couldn't quite hear you."
  798. >She sits up on the bed slightly and looks at your display with some confusion.
  799. >"N..no. What do they say where your from?"
  800. >You arch you back in a impossible angle and begin to howl with laughter as thunder and lightning split the skies outside.
  801. >Scarlet presses back into the corner of the bed startled by the sudden change.
  802. "That's right little one, where I'm from we have this saying."
  803. >Her eyes widen and she finds herself unable to speak.
  804. "what was it again.."
  805. >You stomp on the stone floor and clap your hands together.
  806. "Ah yes, now I remember how it went."
  807. >You walk aimlessly around the room before you snap your fingers while looking around annoyed.
  808. "This room just isn't going to cut it for a performance like this. I should really do something 'bout this first."
  809. >A yellow light appears around you, following your every step.
  810. "Although I know I should be wary..."
  811. >dramatic organ music kicks up causing Scarlet to hide under the blanket.
  812. "Still I venture someplace scary..."
  813. >The room darkens as thunder shakes the castle.
  814. "Ghostly haunting I turn loose..."
  815. >The spotlight flares up filling the room and part of the outside hallway with light
  816. "Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!"
  817. >The room begins to shift and stretch into impossible directions
  818. >The door gets sucked out into the hallway and a swarm of bats fly in, nesting in the newly created rafters.
  819. >You laugh even louder as thunder sounds and lightning strikes the floor inches away from where you're standing.
  820. "IITTTTSSS SHOWTIME!"
  821. ----
  822. >Somewhere in Ponyville a pink pony is sleeping soundly.
  823. >She shoots up in her bed and looks around wide eyed.
  824. >"Pinkie senses tingling..."
  825. >Her hair spikes up and points in the direction of the castle.
  826. >"I sense a musical!"
  827. >she quickly runs out the door into the night.
  828. ----
  829. >You lunge forward, throw the blanket off of Scarlet, and grabbing one of her legs drag her off of the bed.
  830. >"What are you doing, let me go! Help! Somepony help me!"
  831. >You put your finger to her lips before placing her back on the bed.
  832. "Let me tell you a story little filly, about where I come from."
  833. >You slowly clap your hands together.
  834. "You see, when we have a special somepony who begins to fuss and frown"
  835. >A catchy, almost southern sounding guitar sounds off in the darkness.
  836. "we do this thing, this thing you know, to turn that frown a'round."
  837. >Scarlett looks up at you once again confused by the change.
  838. >"what are you talking about, what do they do!?"
  839. >You walk in a small circle while clapping your hands along with the guitar.
  840. "They have this thing they do, to turn that frown a'round...
  841. >You look around as though it was a big secret and you didn't want anyone to hear.
  842. >Scarlet fidgets around in excitement, all tears long forgotten now.
  843. Pretending to be satisfied that you're alone you motion her closer.
  844. >You can see the anticipation on her face now.
  845. >"What is it, tell me!"
  846. "They...
  847. >You take a deep breath.
  848. "Boopadasnoot."
  849. >"They what?"
  850. "They Boopadasnoot."
  851. >"Boopadasnoot?"
  852. >You lean forward again.
  853. "That's right my dear. They boopa-da-snoot."
  854. >And with that you boop her right in the nose causing her to fall over stunned.
  855. >"All of that?! You did all of that just to boop my snoot?!"
  856. >You quickly pull her off of the bed and into your arms.
  857. >at first she begins to struggle but gives up when you begin doing an improvised waltz to the sounds of an invisible piano.
  858. "Yup. Say what you will about the delivery, but you aren't sad anymore are you?"
  859. >she looks up at you and laughs.
  860. >"Oh my Celestia, you are such a dork."
  861. >she nuzzles her face into your chest and tries to hide a smile.
  862. >A new, much deeper,yet still feminine, voice comes in from the doorway.
  863. >"So who wants to tell me why not only is the entire door missing, but I also find you here dancing with one of my guards?
  864.  
  865. >Spinning around to face the new voice you are greeted by the sight of a dark blue horse with a moon stamped on it's flank.
  866. >Scarlet quickly jumps out of your arms and lands in a jumble at your feet.
  867. >"Princess luna!  I wasn't expecting you to be making rounds so early."
  868. >Luna looks down at the flustered fuzz pile and then back up at you.
  869. >"It was rather difficult to concentrate on our reading when the entire castle is shaking and the sky outside the window looks as though day has come early."
  870. >Scarlet looks around in panic before scooting back against your leg.
  871. >You raise your leg and step over Scarlet.
  872. "That would be my doing your highness."
  873. >She narrows her eyes and looks you over slowly.
  874. >"Ah yes, We remember you now. Our sister had you locked in here under close supervision"
  875. >She looks at the shape of Scarlet huddled behind your legs.
  876. >"Or so was the impression We had before coming here tonight."
  877. "Hey now, I was under close supervision. I had Scarlet practically sitting on top of me while she was staring me down."
  878. >"Then please do humor us Anonymous, how did we come to find thee holding thine guard in a lover's embrace?"
  879. >Lover's embrace?
  880. >No how, no way.
  881. >Horse lady is crazy. Probably too many lonely mare novels or something.
  882. "I can assure you, we are not lovers. She was really upset and I did whatever I could to cheer her up."
  883. >She begins to walk the room while occasionally poking things with her hoof.
  884. >"Okay, let us assume we believe you. How did you do this to our castle?"
  885. "That, I have no clue how I managed. I just wished really hard that the room wasn't so tiny and stuffy and then poof!"
  886. >"Poof?"
  887. "Poof. That's it. It did everything on it's own."
  888. >"Our sister was correct in her opinion of you. Thoust are a most tricky one Anonymous."
  889. >Several sets of hoofsteps can be heard coming up the hallway.
  890. >Princess Luna turns towards the door with a slightly confused look on her face.
  891. >"We specifically requested that all ponies wait until we returned with safe word."
  892. >Three bat ponies and two earth ponies walk into the room and block off the doorway.
  893. >Scarlet is on alert and quickly moves to your side.
  894. >"What is the meaning of this? We know nothing of any mixed patrols on duty tonight."
  895. >The ponies spread out and start advancing on Princess Luna.
  896. >You've seen enough bar fights to know how this is going to go.
  897. >Patting Scarlet on the head you walk in between Princess Luna and the unknown ponies.
  898. >She quickly looks at you then back to the advancing ponies.
  899. "Ponies, ponies, please. Why don't we all just take a step back and relax before somebody does something they'll regret."
  900. >These ponies don't smell the same as the others did.
  901. >Every pony you've encountered has had some variation of that faint coppery smell.
  902. >Fear you're guessing.
  903. >But these ponies... they smell like sweaty iron and dung.
  904. >You put your arms in front of your face taking a boxing stance.
  905. "Come on guys, I just got here and I'm standing in front of ladies. Don't make me get all sweaty and nasty smelling."
  906. >One of the earth ponies jump forward at you and gets quickly met by a uppercut to the jaw.
  907. >That pony felt really light for something so hefty looking.
  908. >The pony staggers to it's feet and quickly falls to the floor again as you land a kick to the side of it's head.
  909. >Falling unconscious the pony shifts to a smaller black shape covered in a dull chitin.
  910. >Princess Luna rears up striking at an approaching bat pony knocking it across the room.
  911. >"Changelings! All ponies on guard! We have been infiltrated by changelings!"
  912. >Scarlet jumps at the other earth pony as you grab the remaining two bat ponies by their throats and crack their heads together.
  913. >A grin slowly creeps across your face as you crack their heads together again and again.
  914.  
  915. >You hear voices calling out to you but you don't pay them any mind.
  916. >The two in your hands challenged you and need to be firmly put in their places.
  917. >Running forward you slam them into the wall and then toss them across the room.
  918. >How dare they defy your will.
  919. >They dared to strike out at you.
  920. >You pick up the first changeling that you kicked in the head and repeatedly punch it in the face.
  921. >Several of it's teeth shatter cutting your hand but you don't pay the paltry wound any attention.
  922. >You tried to offer them mercy.
  923. >Something tugs at your leg and you kick it away.
  924. >You are the one in charge here.
  925. >You are the lord of chaos and the master of the very elements themselves.
  926. >Something tugs at your leg harder and you kick it away again.
  927. >It's only natural that you rule this land.
  928. >After all, you are...
  929. >"Anon!"
  930. >Your train of thought is interrupted by a heavy impact to your knee.
  931. >You look down to find Scarlet clinging to your leg with tears in her eyes.
  932. >"Anon its alright! They aren't gong to do anything to anypony now."
  933. >You look around not quite understanding what just happened and your breath catches in your throat as you see the pile of mauled changelings.
  934. "What the hell is going on here?"
  935. >Luna looks on cautiously as you pull Scarlet into a tight embrace.
  936. "Scarlet tell me, what the hell did I just do?"
  937.  
  938. >Several days have passed since the incident.
  939. >You have been confined to the room and no ponies have been allowed to see you.
  940. >Much to your amusement the room still has not changed back.
  941. >The every time you tried to leave the room to go exploring you were stopped at the door by two guard ponies.
  942. >They were quite rude you might add.
  943. >Eventually you got tired of popping out to pester the guards because they would never say anything unless you tried to leave the doorway.
  944. >The only time you had a visitor was when Princess Luna stopped by to ask how you were able to tell that the changelings were not ponies.
  945. >she would not answer any questions about what they were or how they were able to change shape.
  946. >when you told her that they smelled different she "Hmmm"ed at you and then left.
  947. >You felt like you were starting to come down with cabin fever.
  948. >just as you were ready to start headbutting the walls for fun there was a commotion outside the door and a pegasus showed themselves in.
  949. >Hey it's the zappy pony again... Awww shit.
  950. >"Mr. Anonymous there have been several attempts by changelings to infiltrate Equestria in the past."
  951. >Sitting up in your bed you stare blankly at the tiny pegasus.
  952. "Alright, and?"
  953. >"And... up until now nobody has been able to detect them before they have slipped up or made their escape."
  954. "So where are you going with this ms...?"
  955. >The pegasus rubs her head while sighing.
  956. >"My name is Eclair."
  957. "Right. So where are you going with this Eclair?"
  958. >"What I'm trying to tell you Mr. Anonymous"
  959. "Just Anon please."
  960. >"Errgh... What I'm trying to tell you Anon is that you seem to have a unique talent for sniffing them out."
  961. "Go on."
  962. >"Her royal majesty, Princess Celestia, has sent me to tell you that you will be released from your captivity if you agree to patrol the grounds as a guard dog of sorts."
  963. >well you were a guard before magic pony land so you probably know what to expect.
  964. "I guess that's fine. I mean I don't have a choice do I?"
  965. >Eclair shakes her head no.
  966. >"There is one more thing you need to know Mr. Anonymo-"
  967. "Anon. Just Anon."
  968. >She glares at you briefly but continues.
  969. >"Anon. Whatever."
  970. >Pony is getting huffy. That makes you smile.
  971. >"Due to your erratic behavior you will be required to have a guard accompanying you at all times."
  972. "A guard guarding the guard?"
  973. >"Exactly."
  974. "So who will be the lucky pony stuck with me?"
  975. >She visibly sags at the question.
  976. >"...I will."
  977. "I'm sorry, what now?"
  978. >Eclair takes a deep breath and reaffirms her posture.
  979. >She looks you in the eye with as much confidence as she can muster.
  980. >She still seems like shes ready to bolt as soon as you move though. Perhaps she's still holding a grudge over the tasering.
  981. >"Due to the fact you seem to be absolutely crazy and you've had the gall to boop her majesty twice nopony wanted to be caught in public with you.
  982. "Not seen in public with me? Wow that's harsh."
  983. >"No harsher than say... "
  984. >Oh no. You know exactly where this is heading.
  985. >Cringe in 3..2..1..
  986. >"Hurting a pony for simply checking if you were okay?"
  987. >Huston we have liftoff!
  988. "Ugh, yeah...  about that, I'm... I'm sorry."
  989. >You don't know how you were expecting her to react, but this was most certainly not it.
  990. >"You're sorry?"
  991. "Yup. I'm sorry. I panicked and reacted badly."
  992. >"And that's just supposed to make it all better? Make the embarrassment just go away? Put the fur back on my rump!?"
  993. >Oh she is angry.
  994. >Wait... what?
  995. "Hold on, what's this about your butt losing fur?
  996. >She facehoofs in response to your question.
  997. >"I can't believe I just said that out loud. And to you of all ponies no less."
  998. "I couldn't have gotten your backside with the needles. How did you lose fur off from your backside?"
  999. >"When you did that thing I fell out of the sky and landed in something nasty."
  1000. "Oh, ouch."
  1001. >"It gets better. When I was laying there twitching I ended up smearing it all over my flank and it got stuck on good."
  1002. "Eaugh. Nothing permanent I hope."
  1003. >"No, nothing long term, just really embarrassing. I had to have the pony stylist shave it all off and now people are calling me a blank flank."
  1004. "What's a blank flank?"
  1005. >"When a pony reaches a certain age he or she typically gains a mark on their flank showing what their special talent is."
  1006. >Thinking about things back home you chuckle slightly.
  1007. "So it's like a tramp-stamp."
  1008. >"A what?"
  1009. >Not wanting to explain the finer points of a tramp-stamp you quickly dismiss it and motion for her to continue.
  1010. >"These marks show that you are a adult in pony society and are ready for the responsibilities of adulthood."
  1011. "And now yours is gone?"
  1012. >"Exactly. If the gunk had only covered on side I would have been fine. But nooooo, of course it would cover both of them!"
  1013. "So now other ponies are treating you like a child."
  1014. >"Exactly! The two unicorn stallions I was with were laughing so hard they couldn't breathe."
  1015. >All traces of timidity are long gone by this point. Now she looks about ready to introduce your face to the wall several times.
  1016. >"And it's all your fault! It's not bad enough that you went and embarrassed me, now I have to fillysit you too."
  1017. "I get that you're mad. You have every right to be."
  1018. >She stamps her hoof at you.
  1019. >"You're bucking right I have the right to be angry!"
  1020. >You raise your hand to ward off another verbal lashing.
  1021. "I still don't understand why YOU were assigned to me particularly."
  1022. >She loses her flame and visibly sags again.
  1023. >"Princess Celestia believes that the pony who would trust you the least would be the one most suited to keeping a close eye on you."
  1024. "Oh I get it now. If it helps the situation any, I don't have the ability to do that anymore."
  1025. >Her ears perk up at that.
  1026. >"You really don't?"
  1027. "Nah. That was done by a tool from home called a stun gun. It's a one use thing unless you can replace the cartridge. Which is, as you can guess, back home."
  1028. >Her eyes widen and she shifts from hoof to hoof.
  1029. >"You're telling me the truth? You're really sure you can't do that anymore?"
  1030. "Eclair look at me."
  1031. >You spread your arms out showing you have nothing up your sleeves.
  1032. >For that matter you don't even have a shirt from which to have sleeves.
  1033. "I have nothing to my name over here. Hell, the only things I own in this land are the clothes I'm wearing and those are shredded as it is."
  1034. >"I suppose you're right."
  1035. "So what do you say, do we put this behind us and try to start over new?"
  1036. >She looks contemplative for a moment before jumping in place and quickly bouncing from hoof to hoof.
  1037. >"Ohmycelestiayes! Thisisgonnabesoawesome!"
  1038. >For whatever reason she is talking like she just mainlined a bowl of sugar. You don't know what flipped in her head but she seems really really happy now.
  1039. "What did I just miss?"
  1040. >"Come on already, don't just stand there we have to get going on your tour of the palace."
  1041. >She wraps one of her forelegs around your arm and starts pulling you towards the door.
  1042. >"Come ooooonn!"
  1043. >You have no desire to see a huffy poner again so you allow yourself to be dragged out of your room and quickly down the hallway.
  1044. >Making sure to stop long enough to stick your tongue out at the guards stationed at your door of course.
  1045.  
  1046. >During your tour of the grounds Eclair took you around the barracks, the armory, the kitchen, the library, back to the kitchen, the royal gardens, the training grounds, back to the kitchen again.
  1047. >She REALLY wanted you to know the cooks by face and name for some reason.
  1048. >The last stop on the tour de'casa was a trip to old Ironhoof's office.
  1049. >Boy that was not something you wanted to do.
  1050. >And he was oh so happy to see you up and about again.
  1051. >He was even happier when he found out that Princess Celestia had put you under his command.
  1052. >He yelled for a half hour and called you a ape only once so you guess he really was happy.
  1053. >Since you were never assigned a bunk in the barracks Eclair believes you're staying in the room you were locked up in.
  1054. >Once you get to the room you find a note stuck to the door asking you to come to the throne room immediately.
  1055. >You an Eclair look at each other in confusion and head off to the throne room.
  1056. >When you reach the doors to the throne room the two of you are met by a large squad of heavily armed guards.
  1057. >The one in charge of the squad approaches you and tells you that you are forbidden from entering the throne room and will wait here until her majesty decides to come out.
  1058. >Eclair turns to you with a worried look on her face.
  1059. >"Hey Anon, what do you think this is all about? This is really weird and it's making me kinda nervous."
  1060. "Well, since you told me I was being let out of my cage in exchange for being a guard dog I don't think we did anything wrong."
  1061. >"I suppose not... but this is still really, really weird. Everypony is acting nervous and they're all staring at us."
  1062. "You're absolutely right Eclair."
  1063. >You take a deep breath and you detect a faint coppery taste on the air.
  1064. >Copper, iron, and... dung.
  1065. >A smile grows on your face and you look down at your tiny pegasus chaperone.
  1066. >"Anon?"
  1067. "You are absolutely correct my dear girl, they are nervous. They're afraid of the big scary human."
  1068. >laughing like you just were told an inside joke, you wave your arm towards the crowd and several of them flinch.
  1069. "Look at them all, every pony and otherwise is afraid.
  1070. >"Okay, I'll admit, you do come off as pretty intimidating when somepony doesn't know you."
  1071. >You gently pat Eclair's flank.
  1072. "You sound awfully confident for somebody who still smells nervous themselves."
  1073. >"Hey now! Who said you could touch my butt? And I am NOT nervous."
  1074. >Just to bother her you trace your finger back and forth along her wing causing her to shiver and her face to redden slightly.
  1075. "It's nothing to be ashamed of Eclair, we didn't exactly start off on the right foot err.. Hoof. As a matter of fact I-"
  1076. >"Enough of your idle chatter"
  1077. >Growling in irritation you look back towards the throng of guardsmen and see the princess has finally decided to join you.
  1078. "How good of you to join the picnic your highness. If I knew you were coming I would have brought some cake form the kitchens."
  1079. >Celestia snorts at your verbal jab.
  1080. >"I am more than capable of fetching my own cake Anonymous."
  1081. "Judging by the size of your royal flanks I can clearly see that. And I'm pretty sure everybody else can too."
  1082. >All of the ponies present, including Eclair, gasp and look at you in shock.
  1083. >Celestia widens her eyes and stamps her hoof in anger.
  1084. >"THAT IS QUITE ENOUGH OF YOUR MOUTH ANONYMOUS."
  1085. >The guards spread out and form a circle around you and Eclair.
  1086. >Eclair looks around then back at you. The poor pegapony looks terrified.
  1087. >"Anon what the hay do you think you're doing? Are you trying to get yourself thrown back into the dungeons for good?"
  1088. >~HAHAHA! Well done my dear boy. Well done indeed.~
  1089. `Hello again Discord. Back from your vacation already?`
  1090. >~I'm always here Anon, I'm part of you now remember?~
  1091. >You raise your eyebrow and look around.
  1092. `You're part of me now? This is news to me.`
  1093. >You feel like Discord just facepalmed in your head.
  1094. >~The mask Anon, the mask. Come on now, don't go making me think you're brain dead too.~
  1095. >You look at nobody in particular and sneer.
  1096. `You've made your point Discord, now what do you want?`
  1097. >~Just remember that I'm always watching you. You just can't really hear me when things are so dreadfully dull.~
  1098. `So you need excitement in order to talk to me huh? I'll have to remember that.`
  1099. >"ARE YOU QUITE DONE MAKING FACES AT THE GUARDS ANONYMOUS?"
  1100. >You snap back to the scene around you.
  1101. "Huh? Oh. Sure, whatever."
  1102. >"I would have you rot in the dungeons for your conduct but my dearest sister has spoken on your behalf and requested that I be lenient instead."
  1103. "Do tell."
  1104. >"You are a monster Anonymous. A monster that while useful, should be kept out of sight."
  1105. >Oh this bitch.
  1106. >"You seem to be able to sniff out the changelings like a dog so that is what you'll be treated like."
  1107. >She just will not stop.
  1108. >"Like a dog you are not allowed to stay in the castle. A residence will be provided to accommodate you and the ponies who will be keeping you under constant watch."
  1109. >Having said her two bits she retreats back into the throne room and the guards move to block you from the door.
  1110. >A small white pony with a green & teal striped mane walks up to you and nervously introduces herself.
  1111. >There's that smell again.
  1112. >"Oh, um.. hello Mr. Anonymous. My name is Minty Shield and I will be... representing you in any castle affairs."
  1113. >You and Eclair look at each other then back at Minty.
  1114. "What do you mean by representing?"
  1115. >"Princess Celestia does not wish for you to be in the royal castle at all so I am to speak in your stead for such matters."
  1116. "Uh-huh."
  1117. >You are beginning to think Celestia dislikes you for some odd reason.
  1118. "Alright then Ms. Minty, what now?"
  1119. >"Oh I'm not important enough to have a title so p-please just call me Minty. I-If that's okay with you I mean."
  1120. >You are beginning to see a pattern forming.
  1121. "You aren't exactly the most requested guard in the castle are you Minty?"
  1122. >"No I'm not sadly. I'm much too shy to stand out like all of the popular guards."
  1123. "That must be pretty convenient huh?"
  1124. >"I-I don't understand what you mean. I'm awful at being a guard."
  1125. "Nevermind that Minty. I'll ask again, what now?"
  1126. >"Oh that's right, I'm sorry. Please follow me and I'll show you where your house is located."
  1127. >You and Eclair follow Minty out of the castle grounds and into what you can only describe as the slummier part of the city.
  1128. >As the three of you walk under a big stone bridge you pull Eclair behind you and call Minty to come back over here for a sec.
  1129. >"what's wrong Anonymous? We're almost there, why are we stopping? Under this dark and damp bridge no less?"
  1130. >You hold up a hand halting her questions.
  1131. "So tell me Minty, have you been a guard for long?"
  1132. >"Not really that long, I'm still fairly new here myself."
  1133. "I see... Have you been a pony for long?"
  1134. >This question causes Eclair to take a step back and assume what you guess is a combat stance.
  1135. >Minty is now backing against a wall while looking in every direction for an escape route.
  1136. >"I-I-I-I Don't understand the question Anonymous. Heh. You big kidder you."
  1137. >You sniff the air and receive the familiar scents of copper, iron, and dung.
  1138. "Yup, you caught me. I"m just messing with you."
  1139. >You pat Eclair on the head trying to calm her down a bit before continuing.
  1140. >Minty sighs in relief and sags against the wall.
  1141. >You walk forward and put your hand on her muzzle forcing her to look you in the eye.
  1142. >"Mmph!?"
  1143. "So then tell me Ms. little pony.."
  1144. >"Anon? What's going on Anon, I'm confused."
  1145. >"Mph mmmh mph!"
  1146. >You place your free hand on her throat and apply the ever so slightest pressure. Just enough that she can tell what is about to happen.
  1147. "If you are a pony like you claim..."
  1148. >Her eyes widen in fear and she begins to desperately get away.
  1149. "Why do you smell so much like bug shit?"
  1150. >You put your full strength into squeezing the life from this creature.
  1151. >Oh god yes. Her fear is delicious. This tiny blub will never satisfy you, you NEED more.
  1152. >Eclair hops on your back frantically trying to pull you off of Minty.
  1153. >"Anon! What in the Celestia's name do you think you're doing?!"
  1154. >Minty tries to kick you in the stomach but to no avail. Her tiny legs can't reach you thanks to your superior arms.
  1155. >They can reach things on high shelves and choke ponies too! Is there nothing these beauties can't do?
  1156. >You feel a surge of joy flow through you as you feel the pony's windpipe constricting.
  1157. >It wont be much longer now, just a little more and her throat will pop like a rotten melon.
  1158. >Minty's struggles have become less intense now. She just doesn't have the strength left in her to fight you off anymore.
  1159. >This pony, no.. this BUG has the nerve to lie to you and expects you to walk into whatever trap she and whatever other bugs have setup.
  1160. >She deserves to die.
  1161. >~Yes! That's it Anon! Kill the roach! Kill her and send a message to all of the other changeling bastards that would dare to defy us.~
  1162. `Us Discord?`
  1163. >~That's right Anon, us. I am you after all.~
  1164. `No Discord, there is no us. You're just a freeloader in my head and you have no say in how I handle things anymore.`
  1165. >Minty has stopped struggling altogether and her eyes are starting to turn bloodshot.
  1166. >Eclair is pulling on your legs now while sobbing.
  1167. >"Anon please stop this! It's not too late, don't prove Celestia right!"
  1168. `Cut the crap discord. I know that since I've been here with you in my head I haven't been acting the same.
  1169. >~Annnon what ever are you saying. Old friend, old buddy.~
  1170. `Fuck you.`
  1171. >You release your grip on minty causing her to drop several feet and land in a limp pile of legs and flesh.
  1172. >Eclair looks up at you and then quickly runs over to check on Minty.
  1173. >Hearing a noise you turn and look behind you expecting an attack from somebody. Instead you see a freakish mix of animal and reptile.
  1174. "Let me guess, Discord right?"
  1175. >Eclair looks around in confusion.
  1176. >Anon who are you talking to? Are you completely losing it?"
  1177. >~They can't see me Anon. I'm only in your head after all.~
  1178. `Well isn't this just grand. No wonder my head has been so screwed up, just look at you. You're like the retarded platypus of magical marshmallow horse world.`
  1179. >Staring you down for a moment it bursts out laughing and summons a top hat and cane from out of nowhere.
  1180. `This should be good.`
  1181. >Discord starts doing a mixture of tap and river dancing while singing.
  1182. >~Why don't you accept your fate and join us Nonny?~
  1183. >~Don't you wanna join the crew? You'll be dead and evil too. The coolest thing to do is join usss~
  1184. >You raise an eyebrow at the display.
  1185. `Dead? Whats this about being dead?`
  1186. >~Your life sucks you know, working as a guard s'gotta blow. Don't be just another schmo and join us.~
  1187. >~You'll be dead with no remorse and hung like a horse. You can even bang a corpse! if you join us.~
  1188. `There's that whole dead bit again. What's all this crap about dying?`
  1189. >~Imagine all the fun if to evil you succumb, so just stop with that tough guy attitude...~
  1190. >Minty is now sitting up and coughing into her hooves.
  1191. >You see a black and purple miasma spread out from discord a fire appears at his feet. He tosses the cane and hat and strikes a dramatic pose.
  1192. >~AND JOIN OUR DARK ARMY OF EVIL EQUESTRIAN DEMONS AS WE CONQUER THIS LAND AND TAKE OVER EACH AND EVERY SOUL OF THE LIVING.~
  1193. >You wave your hand as though shooing away an annoying fly before stepping over to where Minty crawled to.
  1194. >Eclair steps between the two of you shielding Minty from your wrath.
  1195. >You boop her in the snoot and crouch down so you can look Minty in the eyes.
  1196. "Now Minty, I didn't like having to do that. However I dislike like you lying to me even more."
  1197. >Minty numbly nods her head at you.
  1198. "So let's pretend for a moment that you don't want me to choke you to death. Why don't you drop the costume and show me your face huh?"
  1199. >Eclair steps away so she can keep an eye on both of you.
  1200. >"Anon? Just what the buck is going on over here."
  1201. "patience dear Eclair. You'll see in a moment."
  1202. >Minty sighs and briefly glows a blinding green. When the glow dims "Minty" is replaced by a small teal colored chitinous pony with yellow eyes.
  1203. "You see Eclair? I said she wasn't a pony."
  1204. >Eclair looks at the teal colored bug and promptly passes out.
  1205. >You sigh and look between Eclair and the bug.
  1206. "Alright buggy, this is not the place to finish this. I'm going to carry Eclair and you're going to lead us to this house you spoke of."
  1207. >"A-Alright Anon."
  1208. >You toss Eclair over you're shoulder like a sack of grain. Damn she's heavier than she looks."
  1209. "Alright buggy, lead the way."
  1210.  
  1211. >You are Eclair the pegasus.
  1212. >You have just graduated guardsmare bootcamp and have finally achieved your dream of joining the glorious ranks of the royal guards.
  1213. >Things were not quite as glorious as you originally believed sadly.
  1214. >All day long you were just standing in a dull hallway that never saw any traffic beyond the occasional maid pony.
  1215. >You would give every bit you had just to be stationed somewhere with more traffic. Anywhere was fine really.
  1216. >The princesses were never really seen outside of the royal wings unless it was meal time and even then they were almost never together.
  1217. >And Ironhoof, by celestia's big flank that guy was a real mule. All he did was yell and insult everypony.
  1218. >You couldn't really sit with the rest of the guard ponies because they always said the empty seats were saved for more "experienced" guards and a scrub like you should go sit at the filly's table.
  1219. >You were so excited when Ironhoof gave you your first assignment. It was something about investigating a object that fell from the sky near Ponyville.
  1220. >Even though you were stuck with two of the guards that called you names, you were determined that you would ace your first job and show that you could be counted on.
  1221. >While traveling through the Apple family's orchards you kept somehow "Tripping" over random things or flying into branches you swear weren't there moments before.
  1222. >The two you were with were really getting a good laugh out of you constantly hitting into stuff. You don't even know their names but you already know with a certainty that you dislike them.
  1223. >After a long afternoon of embarrassment and teasing you come across the impact site.
  1224. >What is that in the hole? It looks sorta like a minotaur but slightly smaller and it is definitely not a dragon.
  1225. >Oh! It's starting to move!
  1226. >You turn to the other two while hopping back and forth and point down into the hole.
  1227. >"Look! Look! I think it's awake!"
  1228. >Before either of them can get a word in you quickly hop into he crater and run over to the creature.
  1229. >It has pushed itself up into a sitting position and is staring at you.
  1230. >"Hey mister, are you okay? What happened? Where did you come from? What are you?"
  1231. >The creature lets out a scream reminding you of a young filly then suddenly everything lights up and your body feels like it's on fire.
  1232. >You fall to the ground spasming as your body flails around of it's own accord.
  1233. >you must have hit your head on something because you suddenly feel a sharp pain against the back of your skull and you black out.
  1234. ...
  1235. ..
  1236. ...
  1237. ..
  1238. >"I think she's waking up Anon."
  1239. "Huh. She took damn long enough."
  1240. >You open your eyes slowly and look around. You find yourself on a beat up old bed in what looks like a abandoned shack.
  1241. >To your left, sitting on the floor is Anon and... the changeling who now looks like Minty Shields again.
  1242. >You scream and jump back hoping to put some space between you and the changeling.
  1243. >By doing so you promptly slam your head into a beam and black out.
  1244. >"And shes gone again."
  1245. "Looks like it. Do you have any idea where they keep the ice packs in this shithole?"
  1246.  
  1247. >You are Anon and you a really hating Princess Sunbutt right now.
  1248. >Out of all the places she could have put you she chose the hobo hotel.
  1249. >Thankfully it's just tall enough that you don't headbutt the ceiling when you try to move around.
  1250. >It has a single large room and a smaller side room that serves as the bathroom. Thankfully the water in this place still runs.
  1251. >In one corner of the main room is a tiny sink and a non-functioning oven. In another corner of the room is a single beatup bed.
  1252. >You have a distinct feeling that the bed in question is older than you. There aren't even any blankets in this place.
  1253. >The walls are made of a simple faded brown wood and there are two windows positioned to let in some daylight.
  1254. >However one of the windows happens to be busted up and is letting in the chilly night air.
  1255. >You look over your new "home" one more time and make a mental list of everything in it.
  1256. "Bed, sink, toilet, oven shaped paperweight."
  1257. >You look over at your new companion and shrug.
  1258. "Well Minty, this is certainly not the most hospitable place I've ever stayed in."
  1259. >"I many not be too familiar with pony customs yet, but I feel that this is not a normal style of residence for ponies."
  1260. >You shake your head and smirk slightly.
  1261. "No.. No I do not think it is. I really am a dog here huh?"
  1262. >"I do not understand the reference. While you may share a similar physique to a diamond dog I do not believe you classify as a dog."
  1263. "Hey Mint, answer me this."
  1264. >"What is it you wish to know Anon?"
  1265. "Why are you talking differently now then before when you were leading us here?"
  1266. >Minty tilts her head slightly in a puzzled manner.
  1267. >"I do not understand the question Anon."
  1268. "Back there you seemed to be talking more fluidly. Now you seem very logical sounding."
  1269. >"By the nature of our hive we are not overly emotional creatures. I was simply acting in the manner required by my role."
  1270. "I guess I can understand that and whatnot but it makes talking to you a bit difficult. It just feels off to me."
  1271. >"I did not see the need to keep up the charade in your presence because you already know I am not a pony. However if it is your wish that I change it back then I shall.
  1272. "Please do."
  1273. >Minty shakes her head slightly and you hear a faint hum come from her throat.
  1274. >"I-Is this better Anon?"
  1275. "That's much better Minty, thank you."
  1276. >you scratch your chin for a moment before speaking up again.
  1277. "Hey Mint, tell me something. What's your story anyway? I mean you smell just like the other bugs but you clearly don't look the same."
  1278. >"That's because we're from a rival hive."
  1279. "A rival hive? There's more than one changeling hive?"
  1280. >"Yeah, there's at least another twenty that I know of."
  1281. "What were the ones that I tossed around the first time?"
  1282. >"Those were drones from the hive ruled by Queen Chrysalis."
  1283. "O..kay. That tells me something I suppose. If they're from that hive where are you from?"
  1284. >"I am from the hive ruled by Queen Sylvaneous."
  1285. "Right. Queen Syl-whatsis. Gotcha."
  1286. >"Sylvaneous."
  1287. "Yeah, that. Anyway, why are you here in whatever this town is?"
  1288. >"This is Canterlot Anon. I'm here because my hive requires information on the surrounding inhabitants before invasion."
  1289. "You guys are gonna invade this place?"
  1290. >"That's right. Queen Sylvaneous plans to enslave the people of Canterlot and then feed on them until they perish."
  1291. "What do you mean by `feed on` exactly"
  1292. >"Changelings drain energy from their prey and in doing so eventually kill the victim."
  1293. "Oh, okay then. What happened to the pony you're impersonating? Did she even exist in the first place?"
  1294. >"She was very real. We can't fit in too well if we just create new ponies. She was captured and eaten."
  1295. "You guys drained the energy stuff out of her?"
  1296. >"Nah, that would have taken too long. She was literally eaten."
  1297. >These bugs ate the original Minty? That's not quite what you expected.
  1298. "well okay then. What's stopping you from eating me to keep your cover?"
  1299. >"You chose not to say anything after you discovered I wasn't a pony. I find you interesting."
  1300. >The magic, flesh eating, bug pony finds you interesting. Why the hell not, nothing in this place surprises you anymore.
  1301. "Back to this invasion thing. When is it supposed to happen?"
  1302. >"We do not have enough information about the Chrysalis hive to begin preparations for the full invasion yet."
  1303. "But when you do, you guys intend to eat Celestia?"
  1304. >"Yup. Wait, are you gonna say something?"
  1305. "To that stuck up bitch horse? HA! You guys go right ahead and enjoy the meal. Hell, lemmie know when you're making your move and I'll lend a hand."
  1306. >Minty blinks in surprise.
  1307. >"Not only do we eat the ponies we capture but we plan to enslave this entire kingdom. You live here but you wanna help us?"
  1308. "Look around Mint, this place is a dump. If the royal ass honestly gave half a damn about me I wouldn't be in this place."
  1309. >"Next time one of the messenger drones come by I'll inform our queen of your assistance. I'm sure she'll welcome it."
  1310. >There is a loud knocking on the door.
  1311. >"I wasn't informed of any other ponies coming here. Anon do you know who that could be?"
  1312. >You shrug your shoulders and try to block Eclair from view of the door.
  1313. "Door's unlocked, come in!"
  1314.  
  1315. >The door swings open revealing a small grey mare with a blonde mane and tail.
  1316. >She is decked out in what looks like battered second hand armor that doesn't quite fit her.
  1317. >The mare looks around the tiny, scruffy shack before settling her gaze on you.
  1318. >"Hi, I'm Derpy, nice to meet everypoy."
  1319. >She puts on a giant smile and her right eye slowly rolls to the side.
  1320. >You look at Minty, then to Derpy, then back to Minty, then back to Derpy again.
  1321. "What the hell is this and why is it here?"
  1322. >Derpy looks around in confusion.
  1323. >"This is where Anon is staying right?"
  1324. "Yes, that's me. Once again, who are you and why are you here?"
  1325. >She focuses her left eye on you while her right eye is looking off at the wall. Or floor, you can't tell.
  1326. >"Her majesty, Princess Celestia has ordered me to accompany you on your mission tonight."
  1327. "Mission? What mission?"
  1328. >"I was told that you are supposed to go into the Everfree forest before the sun raises and solve the problem with the timberwolves."
  1329. >You really don't like where this is heading.
  1330. "First off, what exactly is a timberwolf?"
  1331. >Minty pipes up from the side.
  1332. >"A timberwolf is this really nasty wolf made out of branches, vines, and thorns."
  1333. "It's a walking bush?"
  1334. >"No anon, it's a wolf that just happens to be made out of wood."
  1335. "Well isn't that just lovely."
  1336. >"Come on Anon, we should probably get moving. Princess Celestia said that unless you came back with the heads of fifteen timberwolves you were going to the dungeons. I don't know whats in there but it doesn't sound like fun."
  1337. "Well Mint, it looks like I have to go play Red riding hood now. Stay here and keep an eye on Eclair. See if you can find her some milk and cookies or something. Maybe a helmet too while you're at it.
  1338. >"Don't worry Anon, I'll keep her safe."
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