QC Test for Mosswind v2 - HoFL 4

*Inconsistencies abound with -san uses in the second half, especially with the brothel mistress' speech towards Ichi. In some cases I hear her

call him Ichi in others, Ichi-san. Wondering if we need to just go one way or the other or deal with them on a case-by-case basis and go from

what her actual words are.

Missing Signage:

4:06 - Missing sign

22:35 - Sign for background?

22:53 - Sign for background?
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Timing errors:

2:01 - Come in here. --> needs slight retime on the front end; Suggestion: Come inside.

2:06 - Is it really okay to take this person in, Ichi-san? --> needs slight re-time on the end; Also, is slightly awkward sentence-wise. Suggestion:

Are you sure about doing this, Ichi-san?
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Stylistic Changes:

1:43 - He went that way! --> Suggestion for effect: He went this way! (The 'this' in this particular change gives us a better sense of urgency and

the possibility that the character has been spotted and that a particular individual is giving chase.

1:46 - The burglar is injured! --> Suggestion: He's been injured! or We've injured him! (No need to say burglar, his outfit speaks volumes)

2:28 - Hurry. --> Suggestion: "Hurry up." or "Just do it."

2:11 - A runaway thief disappeared in this vicinity. --> Awkward and redundant; of COURSE he's running away if he's a thief! Suggestion: A thief

was spotted in this area.

2:14 - I must inspect the premises. --> Suggestion: I have to search your room/house.

2:34 - There's blood! --> awkward given the earlier 2:23 comment, furthermore, it needs to be more of a shock-type comment from the

character, Suggestion: "Ah, blood!" or "Blood!"

2:36 - The police come for a lover's quarrel? -->Awkward; Suggestion: Have you come to witness our lover's quarrel?

2:48 - He's broken my heart! --> Too short for the japanese phrase, also, remember that the character is putting on an act for the coppers, so

she's going to be melodramatic, so; Suggestion: He's smashed my heart to pieces!

2:54 - I'm so sorry. --> Suggestion: I am so sorry.

2:56 - I won't do it again. --> DRAMA!!! Suggestion: I won't hurt you ever again.

2:58 - You're the only one for me --> Suggestion: You are the only woman for me.

3:04 - This isn't something that needs a government official. --> Suggestion: I think I can resolve this without the help of an official.

3:17 - I think I seriously cut you! --> of course you did, crazy lady. Suggestion: I could have seriously injured you!

3:20 - First off let's treat the other guy. --> Suggestion: Let's first treat the wounds of our guest.

3:33 - Damn, I got stabbed in the stomach --> Suggestion: Got myself stabbed in the stomach.

3:37 - She got carried away. --> Suggestion: She really got me good.

3:53 - What is it? --> Suggestion: What's the matter?

3:57 - Are you having money problems or something? --> Suggestion: Are you having money issues or something?

4:17 - This is payment for the bodyguard work you've done so far. --> Suggestion: This is your pay for your services as a bodyguard up until

now.

4:23 - I won't say stingy things like, "I won't page your wages" --> There are easier ways to say this complicated sentence - Suggestion: I am

not one to withhold pay from those who have earned it.

4:28 - but, your work here is done. --> this is a wrap-quote from the previous line. Since I made that line a self sufficient line, then this line can

become self-sufficient too! Suggestion: However, we no longer require your services.

4:47 - They're cornering the market. --> Suggestion: They are cornering the market.

4:50 - Did you get paid for your bodyguard work? --> Suggestion: Did you get paid for your work as a bodyguard?

5:17 - Masa-san, welcome. --> Suggestion: Masa-san, come in! (welcome is an awkward word, and while it is closer to the literal translation,

'come in' fits better

5:27 - Is it alright if I accompany you? --> Suggestion: Would it be alright if I accompany you?

5:50 - Honestly, Ichi told me that I shouldn't take you. --> Suggestion: Honestly, Ichi told me that I shouldn't bring you here.

6:02 - Cut the green onion --> Suggestion: Cut some green onion.

6:13 - Suggestion: but I was raised this way, so it can't be helped.

6:17 - So you don't think that the Five Leaves are chivalrous thieves? --> Suggestion: So you don't believe that the Five Leaves are chivalrous

anymore?

6:23 - At first, we certainly did seek retribution against a horrible man, --> Suggestion: In the beginning, we only stole to seek retribution against

a horrible man.

6:28 - but now I'm just an everyday thief --> Suggestion: Now, I'm just a normal thief

6:31 - whose purpose is money. --> Suggestion: who steals to gain money.

6:34 - I don't know your reasons, though. --> Suggestion: I don't know your reasons for joining Five Leaves, though.

6:36 - You didn't hear anything from Yaichi-dono? --> Suggestion: You didn't hear anything about me from Yaichi-dono?

6:41 - Moreover, after you told him, did he tell you his reasons? --> Suggestion: Moreover, after you told him your reasons, did he tell you his?

7:37 - Would it be a good thing if I took that money and sent it home? --> SuggestionL Would it be right to take that money and send it home?

7:42 - I didn't intend to be part of that job, --> Suggestion: I didn't intend to be a part of that last job,

8:11 - Ichi-san told me that you are an amazingly skilled bodyguard. --> Suggestion: Ichi-san told me that you are an exceptionally talented

bodyguard.

8:51 - Well, just be careful of the women here. --> Suggestion: You should be careful of the women here.

9:36 - ...he felt very lonely --> Suggestion: ...he was very lonely.

9:41 - And I was his kidnapper during such a time. --> Suggestion: On top of that, I was the one who kidnapped him.

9:49 - How uninteresting. --> Suggestion: How dreadfully boring.

9:59 - Well, you should get used to this place as quickly as possible. --> Suggestion: Well, try your hardest to get used to this place as quickly

as you can.

11:40 - But I only slipped into his futon for a bit. --> Suggestion: I only slipped into his futon for a bit.

11:53 - Suggestion: It's going to cause trouble if you can't even handle something like this.

12:12 - But I couldn't find any overnight costumers... --> Suggestion: I couldn't find any customers to spend my night with.

12:27 - You girls too! --> Suggestion: Off with you girls, too!

13:36 - Ichi-san buys all sorts of different things like this for us. --> Suggestion: Ichi-san buys all sorts of things for us.

13:41 - Before, he bought us candies. -->Suggestion: Before these, he brought us candies.

14:18 - Womens' voices carry quite well. --> Suggestion: The voices of women carry quite well here.

14:21 - Isn't the liveliness great --> Suggestion: Isn't their liveliness refreshing?

14:29 - I think it is because I lack sleep. --> Suggestion: Probably because I haven't been sleeping well.

14:32 - Otake is taking care of the rent, so don't worry about it. --> Suggestion: Otake is taking care of the rent, so don't worry about the job.

14:37 - Even if you get fired from your job, you'll still have a place to live. --> Suggestion: Even if you do get fired, you will still have a place to

live.

15:13 - Ask Ichi-san for the reason. --> Suggestion: Ask Ichi-san for the meaning.

16:11 - There is still a lot leftover from the last payment you forced on me. --> Suggestion: There's still some left from the last payment you

forced me to accept.

16:21 - Have hairpins or something made for the girls. --> Suggestion: Then turn the money into hairpins or something for the girls.

17:10 - This isn't like him. --> Suggestion: As I thought...

19:09 - I can't move properly so I am having trouble. --> Suggestion: I can't move myself properly and it's causing me trouble.

20:06 - So you got fired from your service to the vassal? --> Suggestion: So, you got released from your service to the vassal lord?

22:35 - Now then, on next episode's House of Five Leaves... --> Suggestion: Now then, on the next episode of the House of Five Leaves...

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Editing/Grammar Changes:

4:06 - put quotation marks around the group name - "Five Leaves"

5:39 - Suggestion: Delete the 'Um' in this line, start the line with 'Where'

5:50 - Honestly, Ichi told me that I shouldn't take you. --> Suggestion: Honestly, Ichi told me that I shouldn't bring you here.

5:59 - Line needs proper punctuation

6:11 - end line with 'leaf', run 'but' on to line 6:13 (I had planned to turn over a new leaf)

6:56 - Yaichi-dono

7:10 - Delete 'again' from the end of this line

8:27 - add -san to Ichi's name, since all other comments by this character has a -san.