im back / whats been going on

yo

forgot to make one of these when I decided to comeback and I have had people drop in wondering where I've been/ what I've been up too.

tldr first to save people time
- didn't enjoy my asm trip and put a lot of energy/faith into the trip as I was not happy with life at the time
- got covid hours before my run and had to miss out doing my asm run
- a week after getting back from the trip i went into a deep depression/slump for a few months
- feeling better now and motivated to get back into videos/speedrunning
- will have my focus be mainly on youtube and just streaming whatever i feel like for fun, i am not aiming to grow on twitch anymore

the tldr does a decent job of explaining everything really but I will add some detail behind the last few months. i was going through a rough slump speedrunning and youtube wise. i had recently acquired my dream wr in khfm ps3 and made the khfm history video which was something i manifested for 4 years. after going through such an exciting period everything i started doing after it didn't feel as exciting or caught my interest, i started running shar hundo mostly on the merit to improve my time not because i was passionate to get better. on top of that my partner was working 2 jobs so if i was to do a run (which was only 1 day a week) i would have to drop her off get home as fast as i could just to barely fit in an attempt and honestly it just wasn't healthy and the grind burnt me out. asm was around the corner and the last time i went i believe was in 2017 so it had been a few good years and i was eager to catch up with all my mates and showcase atlantis at asm basically a simpsons skateboarding 2.0 run where we take the piss out of it.

when arriving in adelaide i was roomed with glint which by the way is the best bloke to room with so chill to be around and was a great listener when i needed to chat with someone. asm was based in a different venue compared to the last time i went due to softy and the crew wanting it to basically be something that was completely within their control to run without outside parties interfering with their vision of the event and i truly think is the best move going forward. the venue itself i can't obviously say is as good as the last one but naturally it was funded by the team so i still want to express how thankful i am to the team. due to the space being more cramped it wasn't always the most suitable place to hangout so most people hung in their hotel rooms as they roomed with several people. tough thing about it was it was hard to arrange meeting up with people and i just felt intrusive a lot of the time (even though none of the guys gave that impression just my personality trait to feel that way).

there were of course some great times to be had on the trip loved the karaoke night and was great going to the cas with some of the guys where we won money for once lol. dont want this pastebin to come across that i am disappointed or bothered with anyone i just went into this trip thinking it was going to be a particular way as i was reflecting on past trips. although my headspace midway through the trip was not very good i was optimistic about the back end of the trip as i had a few days to still catch up and do things with my mates and also showcase my run at asm. hours before my run i got a call from washeyy telling me stylonide has tested positive for covid and i may have been in the same boat. got a test and showed up positive my run was cancelled and i just felt so shattered at this time isolated, sick and just mentally miserable as i had a breakdown knowing the trip wasnt turning out well and it just stacked on my earlier woes. health took a dive later that day was throwing up, lethargic and having constant panic attacks. oki had offered me to stay at his place with styolinde to get better before flying and i couldnt be more grateful for his kindness when i was in such a shitty spot so thankyou once again.

got back from my trip and was just in such a different mindset once i returned as i had to find a rental and move house so any interest in speedrunning and videos went out the window. the first month back was really busy and stressful so i didnt really get time to reflect on my trip. once we finally moved house the depressive slump started i basically would go to work, come home and lie on my couch every day no lights on, no tv on and just endlessly ponder. it does sound overly dramatic but my mind was just switched off and i just had no motivation with anything in life and as time passed i just engulfed myself in all the bad thoughts i was keeping in.

i decided to buy nba 2k23 and started watching sports again and slowly my mood started getting better and my itch for making videos and speedrunning came back. i had prepared to comeback to streaming and videos much sooner but my computer died when my video was 90% complete, i then spent the next month saving up and with my dads help i was able to buy a new computer, complete the video and get back to it.

although my videos dont do crazy numbers im just happy i can entertain a small community of people with my passions and interest and continue to build a catalogue of content. i plan on running grinch 100% to claim 6/6 wrs this xmas period then going into the new year i will divert focus back to youtube, i am aiming to make at least 10 videos next year whilst continuing my speedrunning ambitions so we will see how that goes. anyways big thanks to softy for giving me the chance to run at asm and i appreciated his support when i got covid. big thanks to everyone in nivea for being great to see at the event and also being able to hangout with you guys on call when i was going through the slump it really helped!

<3 saiyanz