Lolcow Wiki - ADF

{main heading}Names

ADF has frequently changed his name to reflect the various personas he has adopted over the years. To his followers, trolls and general well-wishers, however, he'll always be known simply as ADF. He was born Phillip Vincent Haskins-DeLici on 12th August 1985, DeLici being his father's surname and Haskins his mother's. His father is of Italian extraction and not, as ADF is fond of claiming, Puerto Rican. From early 2007 to early 2011{check} his main outlet on the internet was DeviantArt, where he posted under the name of ADF-Fuensalida, this being the name of a military installation of the Australatina Defence Forces, the armed forces of his imaginary Latino LGBT paradise.

From some unknown point in the middle 2000s up to early 2010,{check} ADF's persona centred around his claimed latino heritage. As a result, he adopted the name Felipe Delicias Harel, this presumably being an attempt to hispanicize "Phillip DeLici" {origin of "Harel?"}. He signed his posts with this name on the ADF-Fuensalida account. Throughout 2008-9 he also referred to himself as "Felicia," although this appeared to spring from his desire to try on feminine mannerisms as part of his self-identity as a male homosexual rather than from any transgender impulses.

ADF came out as transgender on 13th January 2010, and accompanied this announcement with the news that he had changed his name to Ahuviya Harel. This new name was to reflect his new female identity, as well as the fascination with Judaism he was entertaining at the time. He explained the name as follows:

"Ahuviya means Loved by God. Harel (My Surname) means Mountain of God. Therefore I am a Loved Mountian of God ." {B51}

He would frequently call himself "Sasuke" when Sasuke was his main cosplay, and then "Sakura" when he switched to that one.

ADF officially changed his name to Ahuviya Rotem Harel on 7th May 2010 {origin of "Rotem"?}. As of 2015 he still refers to himself Ahuviya Harel, although he has changed his middle name {a number of} times. {Somebody can expand on this hopefully}.

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{main heading}Early life, 1985-2005

In a DeviantArt Journal of December 2009 ADF described his background as follows:

"I was born in Woodbury, New Jersey on 12 August 1985. I currently live in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania (namely in the Northeast Philadelphia Area, where all the taxpayers get raped in the ass) . My Ethnic Background is of mixed race, I am Puerto Rican on my father's side and German/Jewish on my Mother's side. My Mother's ancestors came from Israel before then, a part of Germany what used to be knowned as Konigsberg, East Prussia (Now Kaliningrad, Russia) and My Father and family is From Bayamon, Puerto Rico. My Parents have been divorced since 1994 and I have not had contact with my Father since 2001, due to Sexual, Physical, and Psychological Abuse at his hands." {B46}

He mentioned the "Astigmatism" he felt growing up as the child of a divorce. {B10}

"I gave Christianity a try during my lifetime...I am rather disappointed that Herr Ratzinger (The Pope) continues to regularly preach hate against Gays, Lesbians, Bisexual, Transgendered People and the Pedofork Priests and the Sex Scandals and all the other hypocrisies I found wrong with my former religion. Also, the parish I belonged was utterly apathetic and unresponsive towards the physical abuse I suffered at the hands of my Father -- I was Roman Catholic, but I am fed up completely with being Christian. So, no more churches for me...Sorry, I'm done.." {B56}

{Must be more on this somewhere}

{main heading} Gay weeaboo phase, 2005-2008

ADF's life was fairly unremarkable at this point, with little to distinguish him from the millions of other weeaboos in the world. He attended community college, worked a part-time job and drew a lot of fanart. The main dramas in his life were his troubles with college friends and his anxiety over coming out to his mother.

{subheading} College, Employment

ADF enrolled at Gloucester County College, New Jersey, sometime in 2005 {A1}. He studied "Computer Graphic Arts." He was briefly suspended in {source} August 2008 for drawing the famous picture of Sasuke Uchiha shooting John McCain in the head. He ultimately dropped out in November 2008 as a result of "stress" over {What?} {B8}

In November 2008 he relocated from New Jersey to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania {B36}: whether this was a result of his leaving college is unclear. He lived with his mother in both locations, so presumably she would have been the main force behind the decision to move. The government provided them with financial assistance for the rent of their new home. {B76}

Since around 2002 ADF had been employed at Wawa {source}, a chain of East Coast convenience stores. He never went into much detail about this aspect of his life, but there appears to have been some tension between him and his colleagues {B4}. {B8} He quit the location he originally worked at and moved to a new one in August 2008. {B36}

{subheading} ADF on the Internet

ADF ran his DeviantArt page in the sort of manner which made the website such a popular location for lolcow watchers: he would delete any comments critical of him and frequently got embroiled in drama with other users of the site. His use of other people's Original Characters (Do Not Steal) was a source of friction between him and several other users, Kourine among them. He used the journal page of his DeviantArt profile essentially as a blog, and this is where most of the insights into his life in this period come from.

He frequently uploaded art. His characteristic drawing style was fully formed by then: anime-type characters, badly coloured in with markers. He mixed fanart and original art, but his fixation on military uniforms and progressive political causes was a constant feature. He collaborated with Kourine on various projects, including a comic series about yaoi guys in hig school, until their friendship deteriorated.

{subheading} Personal Life and Relationships

{sub-subheading} Sexuality

ADF apparently regarded himself as bisexual from around 2002. {B10} He came out as gay in a DeviantArt journal post of 13th December 2007 {B2}. He claimed to be in a relationship with a man he gave the nickname "Canis," with whom he claimed to have had a "yaoi adventure" a few days before the post. Tragically, they had broken up by August 2008. {B6} Not long afterwards Canis sent him an email apparently containing the perceptive quote:

"Asberger's, whether you like it or not, is a disability. Watching what you're doing is like watching a man with one leg trying to walk unaided. It's uncomfortable, it hurts us, and the more you insist you don't need help, the less we sympathize when you do a face-plant." {B11}

He came out to this mother in March 2008 by writing her a letter, after the failure of his plan to gently make her realise through leaving yaoi fanart, bondage apparel, etc. around the house. {B3} He feared his mother, being a Christian, would take the news poorly and disown him, but he vowed:

"I WILL NOT LET IT HAPPEN AND NOT WITHOUT A DAMN FIGHT IF IT COMES TO THAT!!! I don't care if she calls the cops on me and I'm dragged out of my own home in handcuffs!" {B3}

Fortunately for her safety, his mother appeared to take the news well.{B5}

By December 2008 his mother was apparently in a relationship, and ADF expressed his anxiety over the possibility of having a new father figure in his life. {B9}

{sub-subheading} Acquaintances

At that time ADF regarded himself as a gay man, and was a big fan of anime. As a result he naturally fell in with the College's anime club and Gay/Straight Alliance. His experience of both groups was however tarnished by his antagonism with "Dusty," a member of the former group and ex-president of the latter. {What was this about?}

More positively, he enjoyed a friendship with "Kourine," with whom he shared an interest in yaoi and similar matters. Ultimately they fell out in the second half of 2008 {B6} over various petty anime club and DeviantArt dramas, and much of the acrimony between them was played out on ADF's article on the original Encyclopaedia Dramatica, to which Kourine was an active contributor. This was a big deal to both parties at the time, ADF making very frequent reference to his troubles with Kourine, but in retrospect none of it is particularly interesting. On 5th August 2008 Kourine posted a blast against ADF on her DeviantArt journal {B1}, which contained several notable items:

"He is constantly muttering on about saying basically: If you are against me in anyway, you are either Homophobic and/or Republican."

"He is all 100% American, so don't let his lies fool you. He goes to same college I go to, and he is very much NOT on Canadian soil.Also, he has no accent guys. If you seen his video on YT about him dressed up in his "attire" and having an accent that is suppose to be Mexican or Scottish while he is Canadian, that is all a lie."
"AND DON'T GIVE ME THAT "So people hate me when I came out of the closet" or that Ass-whatever syndrome, or even that "communication" business. THEY HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS!!"

On 7th December 2008 he claimed that Kourine had been his girlfriend at some indeterminate point, and it was her who made him realise he was uninterested sexually in women. This actually doesn't seem to have been intended as an indirect insult. {B10}

{subheading} ADF's Idea of Himself

As mentioned above, ADF at that time regarded himself as a gay man. He voiced regular appreciation for gay rights causes, yaoi anime and various BDSM practices. He mentioned "cross-dressing" several times in the period, but does not appear to have ever posted pictures of this.

He made frequent reference to his supposed Latino ancestry, and Latino topics appeared regularly in his art. His political views were much milder than they would become: he identified as a Democrat {source} and expressed strong support for Barack Obama's 2008 presidential campaign. His posts were full of scattered passing shots at Republicans, Christian fundamentalists, etc. Despite his overall tendency to lean centre-left by American standards, he also frequently stated his approval for Israel, citing its relatively LGBT-friendly position as well as its uncompromising treatment of the Palestinians as well as its external enemies, which he viewed as a model for dealing with the haters in his life.

His first political statement that could be considered radical appears to have been a DeviantArt journal post of 11th November 2008, in response to the controversy over California Proposition 8 then on-going, where he voiced support for "gay nationalism" and stated:

"Now, I personally do not condone terrorism, but I have the common sense to understand how it can be justified. If the California GLBT community is smart enough if they want to end the injustice done to them by the evangelical Christians who voted for Proposition 8. They (the GLBT Community of California) will start learning how to start a serious series of riots, use guns, and build bombs, and before long -- THEY will start shooting Prop 8 supporters, White of Black. Those gays may even be bold enough to blow up public transport buses one day too. Or even suicide bomb the churches they backed Prop 8." {B7}

He drew heavy inspiration from Sasuke Uchiha, a character from the anime Naruto known for his ninja skills dark, edgy personality. ADF expressly cited Sasuke as a role model on numerous occasions, and even signed some of his posts as "Sasuke" rather than "Felipe" (the name he used at the time). His interest in the character at this time was, however, not the unhealthy obsession it would later become.

At this stage he was already beginning to display paranoid traits: he set his location as Vancouver, Canada, fearing that "white supremacists and right-wing Christians" would attempt to harm him IRL over his strident political/LGBT advocacy.

He claimed to have been diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome on several occasions. {A1, B11}

{main heading} Cosplay phase, 2009-2011

ADF was in at a low point in his life when 2009 rolled around. He had dropped out of college, been fired from the job he had held for years, and had become estranged from the people who had formerly been his closest friends. He sought a new source of inspiration and motivation in his life, and found it in his increasingly obsessive fixation on cosplaying anime characters. Parallel to this, he redoubled his efforts to find a new love interest.

{subheading} January-April 2009 - Self-Improvement

Feeling stuck in a rut, ADF decided to embark on an extensive program of self-improvement. Closing shots in his feud with Kourine took place at the start of 2009, and her jibes about his weight appear to have particularly stung him. {B13} He boldly set out his intentions for the new year:

"The Mission I Have Accepted and will Endeavor Greatly to Carry Out1) To Cosplay The Characters I Fucking Want from Naruto 2) To Lose 45 Pounds over the course next 6 months to reach 167 pounds!3) Have Fun, and don't give a FUCK what the critics who hate you say!" {B12}

He detailed the characters he wished to cosplay (seven characters from Naruto), and what this would all afford - between $2000 and $2,500, by his calculation. {B12}.

It should be noted that, at this stage, ADF did not seem to regard cosplaying as an essential component of his self-image, as it would later become. It was a crucial ambition, but only in the sense that dressing up as anime people would signify a culmination of his desire to lose weight and, probably, to re-kindle his love for anime after his fallout with Kourine.

He went into more detail about his weight-loss goal in another post. Quoth he:

"Currently, I weigh about 212 pounds (96.4 Kilograms) , I want to go down to 167 pounds (75.9 Kilograms) . That's right, I need to lose 45 pounds (20.5 kg) because I am now getting tried of being overweight, simple as that. It is bothering me to the point I'm starting to break down in tears. Don't get me wrong, I usually have pretty positive self-esteem about myself. But this change is needed more than just over cosplaying...it's also to better my chances of meeting my ideal Bishie Boyfriend I hope to have holding into my arms one day in the future."

He planned to lose weight by taking up rollerskating and by adopting a vegetarian diet. {B14}

Despite intending to cosplay seven Naruto characters, ADF was overwhelmingly fixated on just one of them: Sasuke Uchiha, the cool loner. He increasingly framed his weight-loss plan as a plan to look more like Sasuke, not just to cosplay as him, {B16, e.g.} and came to refer to it as the "Sasuke Diet." {B18}. He cut candy out of his diet because, apparently, Sasuke abhors candy. {B16} Elsewhere, he posted about his desire to act more like Sasuke by adopting certain of his mannerisms. He even began to sign his posts as "Sasuke Uchiha." {B15} Updates on his weight-loss attempt were posted very frequently.

Meanwhile, he continued to rant about Proposition 8 and associated issues. {B17}

On 4th March he gave his current location as Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. {B19} {Did he move to Philly from NJ after leaving college or did he commute to NJ from Philly the whole time?}

On 31st March he clarified his current religious status, describing himself as an "agnostic atheist." {B20}

On 17th April ADF declared "mission accomplished," announcing that he had achieved his target weight. {B21} This would allow stage 2 of his plan to begin: actually beginning to get the cosplay items together.

{subheading} May-August 2009 - The Sweetheart Search Begins

The long-awaited Sasuke costume arrived sometime around the start of May. Purchasing it required the acquiescence of his mother, as he was dependent on her credit card to actually carry out the transaction. The idea seems to have been that she would pay for the cosplay, and he would then pay her back in instalments. {B23} Assuming his estimates from earlier in the year are correct, this costume set him (his mother, i.e.) back around $600. {B12} He took photos of himself wearing the costume as soon as it arrived, and pontificated on his feelings about it at some length:

"Sasuke Uchiha is an awesome role model to look up and to have to help a goal. I am very excited about my cosplay, and its only a natural and I can't hold it in sometimes. It's human nature... I know who I am --- I happy I got to where I got because Sasuke motivated me to where I got today. That would've not been possible otherwise." {B24}

"I really believe that I am rather obsessed with Sasuke Uchiha, but unfortunately it may be to the point I actually want to BECOME Sasuke Uchiha --- that is the part that is getting some people all upset with me." {B22}

Having so far enjoyed constant success in his personal goals, ADF began to look outside of himself, and decided to embark upon a love quest (his own words! {B29}) - to find the Naruto to his Sasuke. He set out his goals for a love interest in early July:

"I want to find a Male Dobe, Ages ranging 19-26 (White, Hispanic and/or Asian) , Loves Naruto and can cosplay Naruto and give this lonely Sasuke-teme a lot of individual love and attention I crave as an Uchiha....So No Multiple partners BS or I'll Chidori that loser's ass!Yeah, that was a Male seeking Male personal you just read...I can't stand being single anymore." {B26}
He placed considerable importance on the need for his future boyfriend to be able to cosplay Naruto, going to far as to create a DeviantArt page where he and his future boyfriend would post their cosplay pictures. Moreover, he stated that his sweetheart should not just cosplay Naruto, but should also be like Naruto in personality:

"A boyfriend who is like Naruto Uzumaki, one that can quickly trust me, love me, and has a use-it-or-lose-it attitude towards life." {B25}

We can see from this that ADF's mental confusion between cosplaying characters and actually being those characters was already confused at this early stage.

ADF's first attraction location, the Philadelphia gay pride parade, proved fruitless. {B27} He did not drink at the time, claiming that "my Alcoholic father, ruined alcohol for me -- and my attitude towards it." {B30} Despite this, by the middle of July he was attending local gay bars in search of his future Naruto boyfriend. He made several trips, all unsuccessful. {B31}

On the 3rd July ADF claimed that his workplace had fired an employee for taking unannounced time off work to attend to a sudden medical emergency. This incident caused him to ruminate on matters of life and death, and he stated that:

"If my Mother dies, I would end up homeless on the streets..." {B28}

Fortunately for ADF, he would later be able to achieve homelessness on the streets without his mother needing to die in the process.

Towards the end of July, ADF appeared to have made a breakthrough in his love quest: he met "John," a freelance photographer in the Philadelphia area who specialised in gay subject-matter. They met so that John could take some photos of ADF, and after this meeting ADF was already describing John as "First Candidate for who will be my Naruto Uzumaki!" {B33} John's feelings for ADF at this point are unclear. John came into ADF's life at a fortunate time, for his relationship with his mother was beginning to deteriorate, as he explained in a post dated 1st August, which deserves to be quoted at some length:

"The very nature of the Dobe Search has taken on a rather urgent nature. There is now an emergency need for future residency with a Dobe...

*sigh*

This is not going to happen next week, next month or a couple of months from now -- This is more likely to occur in 2010, possibly in Summer or Fall 2010 -- I may have to move out from my Mother's place.

Why? You ask, I have a couple of reasons...

1) My Mother is violating the terms of my Coming Out Letter of 25 March 2008 . For some of you watched me back when, this was a BIG issue -- I was on a war footing if she did not accept me then.

She is violating this by discouraging me into not finding a guy -- this is a violation of my civil rights, simple as that --- and FUCK her motherly concerns about my safety, She is getting way too over-protective I am almost 24 years old and can handle myself pretty well on the streets of Philadelphia.

...and much better than herself too in certain respects...

2) My Mother is also in violation of the terms of the same above-mentioned Coming Out Letter of 25 March 2008 by making assumptions that I am not capable of certain things or abilities due to the fact I have Asperger Syndrome... (This also ties in with Reason 1 to an extent, but I am counting Two Violations as Two Violations)

This is going to cause serious clashes and fighting -- if it has not already in certain episodes in the past I have had with her, it will definitely worsen in the future.

Things are okay and stable for right now -- but it will deteriorate as time passes into the future...

To put it a little more simply, my future depends on finding that Dobe, I have at least a year to do so or I'll risk being in an abusive, exploitative, and potentially oppressive situation if I continue to live with my Mother."

On 7th August non-Sasuke cosplays got a mention for the first time in months, ADF mentioning that he was beginning "prep work for cosplaying Sakura." {B34} He set a new weight goal of 145-150 lbs for this cosplay.

ADF was "almost attacked" as he walked home from work by "a couple of 20-something-year old African-American males" on 17th August: they "called me a 'faggot' and threw a couple of rocks at me." Fortunately he was unharmed, and he later worked through his feelings about the incident by drawing a wish-fulfillment version of the attack where he got the upper hand on his assailants. {A2} He expressed his desire to move to a different Wawa location, and observed:

"What is it with Blacks and Homophobia? 45-50 years ago they had a Civil Rights battle, What the fuck."  {B35}

Kourine re-surfaced at the end of August, making a weak attempt to troll ADF. He attributed this to her being "sexually and emotionally frustrated" towards him. {B37}

{subheading} September-December 2009 - Conflict

ADF was considerably more quiet in the latter third of the year, posting much less frequently than before.

He alluded to tensions with his mother over the amount of money he was spending on cosplay on the 15th September, claiming that he "threatened Something Drastic" in order to obtain some more Sasuke cosplay items. He did not state how much these items cost. "Maybe next time I'll threaten World War III, Without Nukes, when I Crossplay Sakura Haruno," he wondered. {B38}

His job transfer went through on the 21st October. {B39} A few days earlier he posted another cryptic message, this one seemingly aimed at John:

"NARUTO...YOU JUST FORCED ME TO CONFESS OUR BONDSI love youDo Not give upI believe in you (though I will not admit you otherwise, Dobe)I know you love me as much as You love Sai and SakuraYou wouldn't give up on Sasuke now, wouldn't you?I know times are tough, believe me, 30+ days with the job transfer -- still waiting on that fucking transfer -- I am barely making anything...That will change soon, I hopeStay strong, For Sakura, For Sai,And Sasuke -- Don't give up on SasukeYou have given me so much...I love and care about you." {B40}

Tensions between ADF and his mother over money continued to mount. He admitted to punching her on the 21st November, in a post he quickly deleted {A5}, and further "fighting" took place on the 26th November. Once again he was silent as to the reasons. {B41}

More positively, relations with John appeared to be improving: he suggested that they had had sex on the 12th December. {B44} He expressed his hopes that John would cosplay Naruto for him early in the new year. {B48}

The amount of stress in his life led ADF to bring forward the Sakura cosplay to January 2010. He explained his reasons on 28th November:

"Just because, I need the escape of being the opposite gender -- Its more than cosplay to me as this pointPretty much since High School -- I have desired to know what would look like/feel like as a female." {B42}

He mentioned his transgender feelings for the first time shortly after this:

"Did You Know I Am Also Adrogynous Too That Means I Identify with both Male and Female genders, so I am transgendered and did you know I am crossplaying Sakura Haruno next month" {B43}

Ahuviya Harel made her first appearance on 21st December, described by ADF as "a Female Persona I answer to (which I will be creating into an OC of my female self soon)"

His conflict with his mother appears to have come to a head shortly before Christmas, as he posted on 22nd December that he had agreed a timeline with her for his moving out. He planned to be completely gone by 30th June, 2011. {B45} John supported ADF in this endeavour, although he does not appear to have suggested that ADF move in with him. {B47}

He spent Christmas and new year alone in Philadelphia, his mother spending the holiday elsewhere with her boyfriend. {B47}

{subheading} January-April 2010 - Conflict, Part II

ADF began the new year with another hostile encounter with black people, this time a mugger. ADF claimed to have got the best of the encounter, disarming his assailant and knocking him unconscious, "Sasuke Uchiha style."

He spent another $570 on cosplay items in January (the Sakura costume and some other things), {B50} making the total amount spent so far somewhere around $1,200.

Ahuviya Harel was introduced and explained in detail on the 13th January. His explanation for the name, in full:

"Recently, I decided no longer to Display my Gender on DA Profile -- I no longer wish to be pigeon-holed into being either Male or FemaleThat's Right, I am Transgendered.For some of you, I already told you that I am gay, but I also Transgendered/AndrogyneWhy Ahuviya?Ahuviya is Gender-neutral, it can be either Male or Female, given the fluidity on my Gender Identity, it's perfect for me.What Nationality is Ahuviya Harel? It sounds very pretty Its Hebrew That's Right, as in ISRAEL!Ahuviya means Loved by GodHarel (My Surname) means Mountain of GodTherefore I am a Loved Mountian of God I picked Ahuviya because I do not have to suffix-around With Felipe/Felicia anymore, And I do not want treated likeIsraeli? Ah Ha, That's Why You are so Stubborn, You Sasuke-teme!-- Hn, Jews, just like the Uchiha, are stubborn people...BUT...Gotta give Credit for Israel existing for over 60 years, in a neighborhood that pretty much hates Israel's guts, the Middle EastAre You Jewish?Should That Matter to You? Whether or Not I am Christian, Jewish, or Agnostic/Atheist?Actually, to be honest, I might consider Judaism, I hope to find a Synagogue accepting of LGBT People somedayDo You Speak HebrewI speak a couple basic words, and know the Hebrew Alphabet, I will be learning Hebrew this Year as one of my New Year's Resolutions, Along with getting that Long List of Cosplay Stuff done, spending more time with =yellowcaseartist (My Dobe) , taking up Marital Arts Lessons (Like Aikido or Krav Maga) , Upgrading to Aggressive Inline Skates, and sticking to my Vegetarian/Borderline Vegan Diet, and keeping fit all aroundOh Yeah, and finishing up Forgotten Lillies (If I had time for everything, Goddammit!)Uh, Ahuviya, W-What-What About the Other Names You Make Us Call You by?I Still Answer to the Following Name (In Case my Hebrew Name too over your head)Sasuke Uchiha (Because You Can't Resist that Emo Bastard)Sakura Haruno -- Trust me, it'll stick awhile after I unveil my Sakura Cosplay...What About Akihito/Aki , Felipe, and Felicia? Since Akihito/Aki and Felicia/Felipe was already used up by my characters -- I decided to steer away from Christian and Japanese Names (With the exception of Sasuke)" {B51}

Real life was unfortunately beginning to catch up with him, however. By the end of January he was, by his own admission, $1,600 in debt, and "almost 4 Months behind on my Board payments and other expenses." He despaired of paying off these debts on the $8.50/hour he was receiving at Wawa, and planned to quit that job to find a better-paying one elsewhere. {B52}

On a lighter note, the Sakura cosplay arrived soon after. He wore this cosplay very frequently and rather forgot about his Sasuke outfit. The month was closed out by John's birthday, and ADF took the opportunity to clarify the nature of their relationship:

"I know we have been only together for 6 months now, but He really means a lot to me and He has done a World of Good to empower me too.I love John a lotNotice, I did not say 'Naruto' or 'Dobe' . I want you guys to know him by his real name, not the SasuNaru/NaruSasu Pet Names we call each other.I recently requested off for Valentine's Day Weekend, I want to use that opportunity to really get to know him more and John to get to know Me more...He really respects me a lot, and So I do with himHe is the first serious relationship I've had, where I am treated as an equal, and dually respectedI want John and I to be togetherI really see us living together as a couple in hia apartment someday, -- it may be next year, I don't know -- and we do each other's part to keep up the apartment, cook, and overall have fun.Hell, Someday...We might get married. He can be the 'Husband. and I can be the 'Wife' .You can imagine, If I looked beautiful as Sakura Haruno, How beautiful I would look in a wedding dress.So Wish John (my Naruto) a Happy Birthday." {B53}

ADF formally came out as transgender on 20th February, and immediately looked towards beginning hormone treatment as soon as possible. He switched his "real" name to Ahuviya Harel at this point. {B54} As to how this might affect his relationship with John, he commented:

"I told him about it not too long ago. I hope He does remain by my side through this time and beyond. I love him, and He respects me a lot. I am very sure He will support me, even if I decide to go through with a sex reassignment operation." {B54}

As for his mother:

"I am not officially out about being transgendered to my Mother. However, its not like I am trying to hide it at all. Right now, I am cosplaying Sakura Haruno around the house, lipstick, makeup, and all.

As an icebreaker, I last night, did give a picture of myself dressed up as Sakura to her. I do not see any real opposition to me cosplaying Sakura in front of her form her reaction to that photograph." {B55} {A3}

He came out to his mother a couple weeks later, and she apparently took it well:

"My Mom is Thrilled to have a Daughter, Who is Still Her Sonand Has Pink Hair." {B57}

ADF continued his self-transformation by deciding to try out Judaism, as he had suggested he would in the "Ahuviya Harel" post above. {B56} He found a local reformed synagogue and observed Passover there. {B58}

Despite these positive changes, all was not well with ADF's life. He was finding his mother's house increasingly intolerable: he was running out of space in his room and his "noisy as fuck African American neighbours" were irritating him. While his mother had accepted his transgender status, the tension between them over money was still subsisting. He continued to owe her "a significant amount of money," his debt at this point being $1,300, and he felt considerable angst over her alleged expectation that he be "the fucking breadwinner." This all resulted in "been periodic fights over money increasing in frequency and near violence in some cases." He reaffirmed his commitment to move out as soon as possible. {B60}

The end of March found ADF ennui-ridden:

"I have been feeling quite stagnant, creativity-wise...I mean, I know I have a lot on my plate right nowMy Male to Female transition...Cosplaying,Trying to get a place to move in the summer,Converting to Reform JudaismWork and other life things Am I taking on too much or what?Shit, I really need to move out from My Mom's place -- I think I will greatly benefit being in the new environment (especially If I get my South Philly Location)And I miss being with John T_TI am so frustrated right nowAnd desperate" {B59}

Things picked up in the start of April, as ADF was able to secure both better hours at Wawa and a court date for his name change. He picked a New Jersey court over a Philadelphia one because the former apparently offer a faster service, and also because :

" I want my Old Name to be retired to the dustbin of history in my old State." {B61}

ADF made his first suicide attempt on the 10th April, the catalyst being his loss of $290 on public transport, in addition to his general money woes. In his own words:

"I decided give my work a phone call when I got back home and inform them I wanted to kill myself and I asked them to call my mother about itAnd there I was in the kitchen for two hours -- Sharpest knife I can find pointed towards my chest. Mom never called back to even see I was okay, My Work didn't call to even see I am still alive or whatever.Someone did care though to make sure I am okay, And it wasn't my Dobe, John.~RenaQuicksilver talked me out of the idea of killing myself over AIM and Eventually, Over the phone --- Within 20 minutes I did find strength to put my knife away." {B62}


{subheading} May-August 2010 - Failure of the Love Quest, and Other Problems

On May 3rd ADF threatened to report his workplace to the State for what he viewed as their violations of Philadelphia's Fair Practices Ordinances. He wished to have his name changed to Ahuviya on Wawa's official records immediately, and was unwilling to wait the four days it would take for the Court to grant his name change. {B63} He, of course, did not follow through on this. His name change was granted on the 7th May. {A4}

While this was going on, ADF's relationship with John was deteriorating rapidly. "Lee," an ex-boyfriend of John's, had come back into his life in April. John rebuffed his advances and Lee made a weak attempt to commit suicide outside John's house. {I remember there being a picure of this?} They parted company but, shortly after this, John decided that he had contracted MRSA, and that Lee had given it to him on an occasion they had had sex prior to John meeting ADF. John posted this on his DeviantArt page, where ADF saw it. On 11th May, John informed the world that somebody had left the following note at his house:

"After my Psychiatrist Appointment up at <REMOVED BY YELLOWCASE>, I am coming over to talk to you About Lee and whether or not if you want any future relationship with me.

I do not tolerate cheaters, <REMOVED BY YELLOWCASE>."

To this, John replied:

"Why would I want to talk to you about Lee? Do you think I want a relationship with him? I don't want to be in a relationship with anyone.

I just want to be friends.

I always just wanted to be friends, with him and with you.

In case you have not figured it out, let me put it to you clearly. Lee and I are dead. We are no more than walking dead waiting to fall over and decay."

Later that same day, John posted this update:

"DO NOT STOP BY MY HOUSE WITHOUT MY CONSENT.

I DO NOT LIKE UNEXPECTED VISITORS, NOR SHOULD YOU BE BOTHERING THE ONLY PERSON WILLING TO TAKE CARE OF ME AS I AM NO LONGER ABLE TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF!"

Around an hour later, ADF responded on his own DeviantArt:

"Terrible News I Need to Report

About :iconyellowcaseartist: =yellowcaseartist

We are no longer seeing each other anymore

He does not want any relationship with me

And he does not even have the will to even live

In Addition, He is dying of Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus - MRSA

MRSA is a flesh eating disease that is resistant to most classes of antibiotics

John contracted MRSA after sleeping with another man I did not know was living with him (Named Lee) only a scant two weeks after meeting me on 11/12 August 2009

[Some links to John’s photos of his condition]

So John is Dying of MRSA

And He does not want to put me through any suffering seeing him

that is why we broke up."

John retorted that he was not dying, and claimed that he and ADF had never been dating. ADF must have left another note at John's house at some point after the note referred to above, and this time John helpfully posted a picture of it. He went on to comment:

"First, Lee's name is not Lee.

Second, I am not dating Lee, nor was I ever. I was SLEEPING with Lee. I was never sleeping with YOU!

Third, Play you? If I wanted to play you, I would have asked you to buy me things or for CASH. This is what players do, I know. I used to a player. I have never ask you for ANYTHING.

Fourth, I NEVER SAID I WANTED TO BE MORE THAN FRIENDS.

Fifth, IF YOU COME TO MY HOUSE AGAIN I WILL ASK YOU TO LEAVE.

Sixth, IF YOU DO NOT LEAVE, I WILL CALL THE POLICE.

Seventh, I TOOK YOUR NAME AND OTHER UNIQUELY IDENTIFYING THINGS OF THIS NOTE. I DID THIS BECAUSE I MEAN YOU NO HARM. IF YOU CONTINUE LIKE THIS MY NEXT JOURNAL ENTRY WILL NAME YOU.

IF YOU KNOW THIS PERSON, PLEASE ASK THEM TO LEAVE ME ALONE!"

They never spoke again (at least, not on DeviantArt). Four days later, ADF announced that he was a "Female Lesbian Trapped in a Male's Body," and was now in a relationship with "Sarah." {B64} Sarah was never{?} mentioned again after this post. Both John and ADF deleted their posts about the affair a few days later. Two days afterwards he posted a new poll: “In light of Recent Events with me - Do you think Transphobia exists with Gay Men?”

ADF's Sasuke fixation made a brief re-appearance in June. In the middle of that month he attended the "Philadelphia Dyke March," in cosplay as {Sakura?}. He was caught on camera at this event {video source?} {B67}

In July, he briefly wondered if he was, in fact, intersex, but dismissed the idea fairly quickly. {B66} His first appointment with a doctor regarding his planned sex change was scheduled for sometime in late July, but the doctor was forced to cancel it due to a family emergency. It was re-scheduled for 4th August but the delay plunged ADF into despair and he expressed a desire to "start looking on the streets for Extra-Legal/Illegal Grey or Black Market Estrogen and Spironolactone." {B68} He of course did not follow through with this. He commented later that day:

"I AM NOT A FAKE TRANSSEXUALThe Hormones are essential to the legitimacy of my existence as a womanSimple as thatWars have been fought over access to resourcesEstrogen is a resource I need access to continue livingI WILL FIGHT ONE GOD DAMN WAR IF I HAVE TO FOR IT!" {B69}

Later that same day(!), presumably still aggrieved by whoever suggested he was a fake transsexual, he posted a long chronology of his life where he highlighted all the events which he felt suggested that he had always been transgender. {Drop-down box for this}

CHRONOLOGY OF MY GENDER IDENTITY ISSUES1985 - PRESENTBy Ahuviya R. Harel1985-1996 - Pre-Puberty Development and Early Issues12 August 1985 - Birth of Ahuviya Harel, then born as Felipe V. Delicias at Underwood Memorial Hospital, Woodbury, New Jersey. Gender Marker was assigned Male despite being born as an XXY Chromosonally Intersex Male Ca. July - October 1987 - First Attempts at Toliet-Training Fail as my Father tries to force me to stand up and urinate -- First disgust and disdain complaints over my Male genitals are aired and subsequently ignored by both parents. This further hinders further Toilet-Training efforts until Spring 1989Ca. January 1988 - February 1991 - Escalating Domestic Violence between my Mother and Father. Escalating violence by my Father causes me to be in counseling and to desire to be closer to my Mother. First complaints of being Male occur as a result of the violence and physical abuse by my fatherApril 1988 - Received inaccurate diagonsis of Autism Spectrum Disorder known as Asperger Syndrome (which was not officially recognized as a Mental Disorder until the publication of the DSM-IV-TR in 1994 and will be depreciated under Autism upon the publication of the DSM-V in 2012) I also receive the more 'accurate and No Shit Sherlock' dianogsis of "Emotional Disturbance"September 1988 - June 1991 - Attented Preschool at Woodbury Heights Grammar School, Woodbury Heights - I was placed in Special Education Classes. I was described as having no interest in peers during Lunch and RecessCa. 1989-1990 - Repeated incidents of using the Girls Room in Preschool and Refusing to use the boys room in PreschoolSeptember 1991 - March 1992 - Attended Parkview Elementary School, Westville, New Jersey. I was expelled due to repeated fighting and trashing of the classroom. I finished Kindergarten with a Home Tutor by June 1992. The violence was a reflection of the physical abuse I suffered from my FatherSeptember 1992 - August 2000 - Attended Durand Academy for my Primary Education25 November 1992 - Disney's Aladdin in released, spawning my first cosplay as Jafar in 1993, also the first ideations on being female asre expressed when wanting to be Princess Jasmine25 December 1992 - Received my first Bicycle - I refused to ride the bike due to the seat causing pain to my male genitalia and prostate. I have not rode a Bicycle since then. Summer 1993 - Visitations with my Father are started. Attempts to Learn Baseball and Basketball end in repeated failures. However I excel in Roller Skating and Hockey when given the oppurtunity to play and to such sports.Ca. Fall 1993 - First interests in cartography (Map-making) occur, a unisex interest that persists to the persent day.12 August 1994 - Recieved Kitty-Kitty Kittens as my first 'girls toy' for my 9th BirthdaySeptember 1994 - April 1995 - Attended CCD Classes at St. Matthew's School, National Park NJSummer and Fall 1995 - I experience the first sustained series of ideations of being female in my dreamsAugust 1996 - Received Dollhouse for my 11th Birthday - Another Girl toy since Kitty Kitty Kittens from 1994
…

A Chronology of my Gender Identity IssuesPart 1 - 1985-1996Just to prove that I am not faking this Transgender stuffIt is real for me

Shortly after this he began getting into slap-fights with other transgender DeviantArt users he felt were too supportive of the gender binary. {B70}

Money arguments with his mother picked up again in July, over the cost of cosplay and of various items ADF regarded as necessary for his new transgender identity. {B71} At the time, ADF was also encountering issues at work, having his hours cut and having personal difficulties with colleagues he felt were unsupportive of his transgender status. He came to believe that leaving Wawa would be necessary for his life as a transgender to flourish. {B72} His mother however despaired of his ability to find a new job if he quit  at Wawa, and feared that with him unemployed they would be able to make rent on their house. One encounter went as follows:

"[She was] crying and freaking out to me and saying its my fault I am transitioning and may make her homeless (She doesn't say 'us' , no she only says her because...either that's was a Freudian slip on her part or she does not see me as a part of the family these days) Also, It said I didn't have proof yet I filed for Unemployment compensation yet (which I did not get around to doing yet because there was a fucking anime convention called INOCHICON last weekend1)" {B77}

He, of course, quit anyway: "before they had the chance to fire me" as he later put it.

The doctor's appointment mentioned above finally rolled around, and ADF was given the all-clear to start on hormones at the end of August. He planned to quit his job at Wawa soon after this. {B73} He made enquiries into several possible new jobs, without success. {B74}

On August 12th ADF made the life-changing decision to order the Axis Powers Hetalia China costume. {B74} On the 21st he suddenly declared he was now a Socialist, having previously never suggested holding any politics further out than the centre-Left. {B75} On 30th August he flatly declared, "I AM SAKURA HARUNO." {B76}

{subheading} September-December 2010 - Things Calm Down Slightly

The rest of 2010 was fairly relaxed in comparison to what had gone before it. ADF took his hormones regularly and stayed out of trouble. He kept up with his Judaism, observing Yom Kippur in September. {B78} He got a volunteering job at the William Way Centre, an LGBT community centre in Philadelphia, and hoped to pick up a full-time paying job by the end of the year. {B79}

ADF got the idea of wanting to come out to his father as transgender. This would obviously be tricky: his father lives in New Jersey and at the time ADF raised the issue they had not spoken for, by his reckoning, nine years. Furthermore, he was anxious about seeing him again after the "Physical and Sexual abuse" he had allegedly inflicted on him. {B80}. On the 23rd October he claimed that he traveled to New Jersey to meet his father, and that his father was accepting of him. Buoyed by this, ADF decided that it was time to have a rapprochement with him and to build a new relationship between them. {B82}

On 29th September he came out to the internet as a communist. {Chronologically where does this fit in with the Hetalia costume?} Quoth he:

"EVERYONE IS EQUALRace, Ethnicity, Religion, Sex, Sexuality, Gender Identity and expressionThis is freedom you will never see if you settle for Capitalism, or from a broken two-party system, or from Human Rights Campaign and the Gay Bourgeois that dominate a corporate controlled media in this country." {B81}

He was challenged on the suddenness of his turn to communism, people immediately noting it took place very shortly after the China costume arrived. ADF would have none of this, and claimed that, in fact, he had been a communist all along. He posted as supposed evidence an essay he wrote for college in 2006: a clunky Marxist analysis of a Langston Hughes poem. {B85}

The love quest began again in October, ADF in "China" mode now expressing a desire for "A RUSSIA FOR A LOVER." A Naruto would be fine, too. He had already found a potential candidate:

"I have someone in one of my Trans support groups who seems interested in me. She's a Genderqueer Female who does really like me, and she would make a wonderful Uzumaki NarutoI would sit next to her and she would pet my right hand (even when I have my gloves on)I mean we are only just friends but I see something happening soon with her -- I just do not know yet and can't say and won't say until I am certain -- its just flirting for now IDKWe will see if this Dobe is real." {B83} {Was this that person he went west with?}

The trans support group ADF referred to was his second: he had already parted company with the William Way Centre because, as he put it, "the elders of the group were not taking me seriously as a legitimate member of their community." He relocated to the Mazzoni Centre, also in Philadelphia. {B83}

Money issues unfortunately raised their head again as the year came to a close. ADF decided to take decisive action and move forward his planned moving-out date to 31st December 2010 because "my transition is causing immense financial strain on my Mom's household - to the point of food and fuel shortages." His continued employment did not help matters. He was, however, at pains to point out that:

"The blame does not rest solely on me for what is causing this need to move.

My Mother and Her Boyfriend are also to blame more -- their inability to ease the economic situation by not being able to combine their separate households by moving in with each otherGod forbid you ever propose telling a White Heterosexual American Male to give up the idea of private property."

He planned to move to different quarter of Philadelphia where apparently some trans-friendly cheap housing could be found. {B84}

In December he posted a list of his best "personal quotes," most of which he had never said before. Some highlights:

"Those that do not miss the former male me do not have a heart, and those who want the former male me back do not have a brain." [Adapted from a Putin remark about the USSR]

"As someone who lost her job three months ago due to anti-LGBT discrimination, I am dying for some Whoopass!"

"Gender is not black or white ---- its entire spectrum, go explore it. Have my gender deviations taught you anything this year?"

"Male Pronouns are Punishable by Deportation to Labor Camps in Siberia"

"There is a ghost lurking in the LGBT Community amongst us, it walks around, and no one talks about it, yet everyone knows what it is -- This ghost is a terrible ghost and is responsible for Homophobia, Biphobia and Transphobia, and this ghost that divides our community into competing factions and petty bickering even within those factions...This ghost is Capitalism."

"CAN YOU GUYZ STOP SENDING ME YOUR FARMVILLE SPAM -- I DO NOT PLAY BOURGEOISIE KIDDIE GAMES ON FACEBOOK" {B86}
He spent Christmas eve with his mother and her boyfriend, dressed as Sakura, and Christmas at the William Way Centre. He claimed to have grown somewhat weary of Christmas, describing it as a "cruel greed-fueled over-commercialized Capitalist profit power play for the Retail Mall Economies of the West." {B87}