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Piano Lessons (A disjoined serial story)

Feb 5th, 2013
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  1. >Day Piano Lessons in Equestria.
  2. >You just bought a piano. It’s a bit out of tune, but not painfully so.
  3. >Apparently Lyra bought it a few years ago, but never played it. Bon Bon wanted it out of their house, so you got a good deal.
  4. >Lyra even moved it for you. She was grumbling the whole time. Those two really need some relationship counseling.
  5. >You sit at the piano, and play chopsticks.
  6. >You have now exhausted your knowledge of piano music.
  7. >What you need is a teacher. Someone who can really show you how it’s done.
  8. >You ask around town. Spike knows how to play two songs, chopsticks and some sharing song. Sounds gay.
  9. >Lyra introduces you to Octavia. She is a starving artist type, and agrees to teach you.
  10. >She mostly plays the Cello, but is familiar with the piano and music theory.
  11. >First, she wants to hear what you know. A minute later she is understandably disappointed.
  12. >”Looks like we have to start from the beginning.”
  13. >A few weeks later you can play several classic Equestrian songs.
  14. Can we have our next lesson on Tuesday at 5?
  15. >”’I’m already booked at that time.”
  16. What? I thought I was your only student.
  17. >”You were, but now Fluttershy wants to learn as well. She said something about wanting to make you love her.”
  18. >Oh Jesus. You can’t do anything without that mare finding out.
  19. 1/2
  20.  
  21. ”Whatever she is paying, I’ll double it. You can’t teach her. I need this.
  22. >”I don’t know.”
  23. She just wants to rape me. Please Octavia, I’ll do anything!
  24. >”Anything?” She smirks and eyes your junk.
  25. Not that.
  26. >”Then you shouldn’t say anything.”
  27. >Awkward silence.
  28. >”I guess the lesson is on.”
  29. Hold on, let’s not get hasty.
  30. >She picks up her things.
  31. I thought you didn’t like humans.
  32. >”I don’t, it’s more about,” she waves her hoof, “power. Seeing if you will actually do it. That sort of thing.”
  33. >She’s starting to trot to the door
  34. Fine
  35. >”I’m sorry, I didn’t quite catch that.”
  36. Ms. Octavia, I would be happy to please you
  37. >”That’s a good colt.”
  38. >You spend the rest of the day making sweet sweet love to Octavia
  39. >But at least you aren’t
  40. >Fucking Fluttershy
  41. Fin
  42. 2/2
  43.  
  44.  
  45. ---
  46.  
  47. >Day Gold Fish in Equestria
  48. >You just bought a gold fish! You feel awesome.
  49. >You can’t remember how long it has been since you felt this good.
  50. >The fish swims around it’s little bowl. It is playing with the plants. You paid extra for the sand castle with internal plumbing. Little bubbles escape from the lost treasure chest.
  51. >Now… he needs a name. At least you think it is a he. You aren’t too familiar with goldfish anatomy.
  52. >Goldie? No that sounds dumb. Plus it sounds like a girl’s name.
  53. >How about Bubbles? That’s better… but it still sounds like what a child would name it.
  54. >You are in a predicament. You bought the fish from Fluttershy, but that was a horrible experience. It took forever to get her to concentrate long enough to sell you the fish.
  55. >She promised to visit every day to feed the fish for you. You shudder at the thought.
  56. >Twilight could help.
  57. No, she’s even crazier than Fluttershy.
  58. Fish, do you care if you have a girl’s name?
  59. >The fish looks at you with one eye and swims around. A single bubble escapes from its mouth.
  60. >You listen, but the bubble makes no sound.
  61. >If the fish can think at all, it would probably think you are crazy.
  62. >You hear a knock at the door.
  63. >You open it. Its Octavia.
  64. >”Hello Anon”
  65. “Hi. I almost forgot about our lesson today,” You say as you move aside. “I’ve been a bit distracted.”
  66. >”Why’s that?” she says as she trots to the piano.
  67. I got a fish, and I can’t decide what to name it.
  68. >Octavia ponders for a moment, “What about Bubbles?”
  69. That’s a girl’s name! How would you feel if you have a boy’s name?
  70. >”What makes you so sure it’s a colt.”
  71. I don’t know what it is. That’s my point.
  72. >”You’re so weird Anon.”
  73. 1/2
  74.  
  75. >You continue with your piano lesson.
  76. >You have improved significantly. Pretty soon you won’t need an instructor.
  77. >Octavia must have been distracted, because she seems to think you have gotten worse.
  78. >”That was awful. You haven’t been practicing at all!”
  79. I have.
  80. >”You’re still thinking about that fish aren’t you?”
  81. It’s not just a fish… it’s a friend, a companion… maybe even a hero.
  82. >She stares blankly at you.
  83. >”You are wasting my time Anon. I’m a very busy mare.”
  84. >You hear another knock at the door.
  85. >Its Lyra.
  86. “Hi, Anon,” she says as she stares at your hands. “Want to jam?”
  87. >”Don’t bother, he’s distracted by that new fish of his,” Tavi says from behind you.
  88. >A few minutes later you have explained the situation.
  89. >”Oh that easy, I can find out with magic.”
  90. That would be awesome.
  91. >Lyra’s horn glows and the fish is illuminated. She stops suddenly.
  92. What is it?
  93. >”Well, if you’re good at something you shouldn’t do it for free.”
  94. >Tavi’s ear’s perk up. A small smile creeps across her face.
  95. >You put your hands in your pockets searching for bits. You find nothing.
  96. >”Anon, you haven’t paid me for this month’s lessons,” Octavia reminds you.
  97. >Equestrians are very particular about debts. They don’t like taking credit.
  98. >ohshit.png
  99. What kind of payment did you have in mind?
  100. >Lyra rolls her eyes. “You know what I want.”
  101. >Octavia moves a little closer.
  102. >So it comes to this.
  103. >You look at your fish. It is floating around happily.
  104. >You put a towel over the bowl. You don’t want it to see what is about to happen next.
  105. >
  106. >You have pleased both mares. Tavi is curled up next to you.
  107. >Lyra is sitting up playing her Lyre.
  108. >You look up at her.
  109. “So, what is it?”
  110. >”Huh?”
  111. My fish. Is it a boy or girl?
  112. >She stops playing and looks at you.
  113. >”You mean a colt or filly?”
  114. Sure, whatever.
  115. >”How would I know?”
  116. >Fuck
  117. fin
  118.  
  119. Epilogue
  120. >Two days later, you settle on Gilman.
  121. fin
  122. 2/2
  123.  
  124. Day Out of Retirement in Equestria
  125. >You are Piano Anon. You are perhaps the worst piano player in Equestria.
  126. >Or, you were rather. It now is a glorified clothes hanger. So technically you are retired.
  127. >Despite your best efforts, Octavia has taught Fluttershy how to play piano as well.
  128. >She serenades you with a keytaur occasionally.
  129. >You need a new hobby. You hear a knock at the door.
  130. >Not Fluttershy again!
  131. >You run to the door.
  132. “WHAT DO YOU WANT?”
  133. >That grey Pegasus pony jumps up, and feints.
  134. >These ponies must have weak hearts, but that was pretty fucked up. You just yelled at her for no reason.
  135. >You grab a glass of water and throw it on her. She wakes up.
  136. >”What happened?”
  137. “I thought you were Fluttershy, and I yelled at you by accident.”
  138. >”That’s not nice Anon.”
  139. “I know. I’m sorry. Can I help you with something?”
  140. >”No, I’ve got a package for you.” She hands/hooves it over to you before flying off.
  141. >It’s a plain brown envelope with ANON poorly scribbled on it. It doesn’t even have an address.
  142. >You open it.
  143. >Its a letter. It reads, “DEAREST ANON. WE HAVE HEARD OF YOUR MUSICAL HANDS AND WISH TO ENJOY THE MOLODIES WHICH YOU PRODUCE WITH SUCH. WE WILL BE THERE TONIGHT.
  144. >LUNA <3
  145. >Has this pony ever heard of lowercase letters?
  146. >Luna, that name sounds vaguely familiar. Oh well, you’re sure she’s just another rabid fan.
  147. >
  148. >Its night. You have just enjoyed a nice whea-
  149. >You hear loud cracking. You look at your door. Its been flung across the room.
  150. >Black guards fly in and hold you down. The others look around.
  151. >One of them nods to the other. The one closest to the door says, “May we present, Princess Luna.”
  152. 1/2
  153.  
  154. >”THANK YOU GUARDS. YOU HAVE PERFROMED ADMIRABILY. WE WILL SUMMON YOU AGAIN WHEN NEEDED.”
  155. >They bow before flying off.
  156. >”Oh, Princess. If I knew you were coming I would have cleaned up a bit.” You say apologetically.
  157. >”WE ARE NOT CONCERNED WITH THE MANNER IN WHICH YOU CHOOSE TO LIVE.”
  158. >You cover your ears.
  159. >”Princess, may I ask you to lower your voice? My human ears can’t handle such radiance.”
  160. >”HOWs… this?”
  161. ”Much better.”
  162. >”Get your music box Anon.”
  163. “I don’t play anymore.”
  164. >”What?”
  165. ”You’ve been busy with work. Maybe you didn’t hear. No one went up to tell you. I don’t play music no more.” You say in your best Joe Pesci impersonation.
  166. >”WE WERE NOT ASKING ANON.”
  167. >You jump up and throw the clothes off of the piano.
  168. >You play a few classical equestrian songs.
  169. >The princess is pleased.
  170. >Maybe you can turn this to your advantage. If you play her something from your world, maybe she will start throwing bits at you.
  171. .>”This is a little something… I wrote myself.”
  172. >You play Hey Jude, by the Beatles, but replace Jude with Luna. It’s a little choppy, but you get the point across.
  173. >Luna is sitting beside you, starstruck.
  174. >You finish playing.
  175. >The princess is in tears. She is visibly moved.
  176. >”You wrote that… for me?” She says, no longer referring to herself in the royal we.
  177. “That’s right princess. I wrote it,” dramatic pause, “for you.” You bow slightly.
  178. >”Anon… nop0ny has ever done something like this for me.”
  179. >You weren’t trying to get feels from this mare.
  180. >”It’s settled. We will get married tonight! GUARDS!”
  181. >Guards crash in through the windows.
  182. >”ANON HAS PROVEN HIMSELF. TAKE HIM TO OUR QUARTERS FOR OUR MUTUAL PLEASURE.”
  183. >The guards grab you and whisk you away.
  184. >Anon. You done fucked up now.
  185. fin
  186.  
  187. >Day Jailhouse Rock.
  188. >You are Piano Anon, and you have suffered greatly under the flank of the night mare, Princess Luna.
  189. >It all started when you played Hey Jude for her. She thought it was a love song, and decided to marry you on the spot.
  190. >Luckily, there is an Equestrian tradition where there is a six month waiting period before a princess can marry.
  191. >Princess Luna is really awkward, but she does love you. Sadly, you can’t feel the same for her. She is still a pony after all.
  192. >So you bide your time. Each day you get closer to escaping.
  193. >Today will be the day you achieve your goal. The princess is away at work.
  194. >Before you leave, you put a note down on the princess’s bed.
  195. It reads, “I am sorry princess. I didn’t understand your culture when I played the song for you. I am not ready for marriage. I hope that one day you can find it in your heart to forgive me.”
  196. > You put on your most nondescript coat and disappear into the night.
  197. >
  198. >Wow, Canterlot is really big.
  199. >You wander for hours before finally finding the train station. You get to the counter and buy a ticket.
  200. >They will never think to look for you at your house in Ponyville.
  201. >”HALT TREACHEROUS ANON!”
  202. >That voice - it can only be…
  203. >”YOU TRICKED US INTO LOVING YOU, AND FOR THAT YOU WILL BE PUNISHED!” Luna says in the Canterlot voice.
  204. >Guards swoop in a take you away.
  205. >
  206. >That was a few days ago.
  207. >You are now, Jailhouse Anon. You have been sentenced to 1000 years in the Canterlot prison. Princess Celestia assures you that you can get out in five to six hundred years if you are good.
  208. >God damn it, music got you into this mess, it’s going to get you out.
  209. >You hear about a jailhouse dance, happening tomorrow. This could be your chance.
  210. 1/2
  211.  
  212. >First, you need allies.
  213. ”What are you in for?” you ask a pony cross the hallway.
  214. >”For giving Equestria a taste of its own medicine,” He says darkly.
  215. >Well this pony is crazy.
  216. >”Just watch out for Big Apple. He’s your roommate, and will be back tomorrow.”
  217. >Ha. You’ll be gone by then.
  218. >
  219. >It’s the next day. You spent all night teaching other ponies “Jailhouse rock.”
  220. >It’s time for the party.
  221. >You get up to the piano and start playing. Two other musical ponies join you. The other prisoner ponies start singing and dancing.
  222. >Soon the guards join in. Once they have reached critical mass you jump up and run. You can hear the music and dancing continuing.
  223. >You get to the gate. Almost home free.
  224. >You trip on your shoelaces.
  225. >Fuck. You should have never asked to keep your shoes.
  226. >Two guards fly over and take you back to your cell. They don’t let you eat any cake from the party.
  227. >
  228. >This time, you aren’t alone.
  229. >”I’m Big Apple.” The massive pony says.
  230. “Yes…. yes you are,” you say, stunned.
  231. >”I heard you tried to escape, you must be pretty hungry.”
  232. “I could eat.”
  233. >”Then it’s your lucky day, I’ve got a cock meat sandwich waiting for your right here.”
  234. >He pulls out a [spoiler]black glistening eel.[/spoiler]
  235. Holy shit! It’s fucking huge!
  236. >”That’s right.”
  237. “I’m not sucking that. That’s gay!”
  238. >”Fuck no! Ain’t nothing gay about getting your dick sucked. You’re the one who’s gay for sucking my dick.”
  239. ”What?”
  240. >”In fact, it creeps me out just being around you faggot.”
  241. >Awkward silence.
  242. “I’m not fucking gay. Isn’t there another way… we could get acquainted?”
  243. >Big Apple ponders this for a moment.
  244. >Then he pushes you to the ground and rips off your pants.
  245. “How is this better?!”
  246. >[spoiler]”It’s only gay if you push back[/spoiler].” He whispers.
  247. >Well… at least your aren’t
  248. >nah…
  249. >fucking Princess Luna would be better.
  250. fin
  251. 2/2
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