Faggot's lame isekai story V2

“Advance”

I don’t know about other people, but there were certain words that i liked a lot for some reason.

Couldn’t quite put my finger on the reasons why, though. Maybe because of how they sounded, their aestetics when written, or the things they represented?

“Broken”

Hearing them, saying them, reading them. I enjoyed it, it gave me an exciting feeling of emptiness and wholeness.

“Absolution”

I tended to speak to myself often, and at times i just felt like saying them, even if they didn’t have anything to do with what the monologue was about, maybe to sound cool or something? ‘SYNERGY! PREACH IT!’

Okay, that definitely sounded lame.

“Redemption”

Some of them brought random images to my head with no coherent relationship, i wonder why? My head always tended to feel like a disorganized mess, guess that may be why my hair was so curly.

“Beyond”

Anyways, what’s with all of this pointlessly pretentious talk? Actually, why was all of it in past tense?

“Regret”

Hmmm, i wonder why?

“Farewell”

But still, that ass was fat.

And so, as i once again idly thought to myself about matters of extreme importance, as if it was just another day in the office, i…
I died.


_________________
The kingdom of ‘something-or-other’. Biggest of the 3 empires located in the continent of ‘whatever’, and as such the one holding the most power.

When shit hit the fan that power didn’t mean much, and by ‘shit hitting the fan’ i mean when the demon lord awakes and wrecks havoc in the world, with the sole objective of destroying and enslaving the human race.

Forced by necessity, the size or relative individual power of those 3 empires didn’t really mean anything, so they put their differences aside and made a temporary alliance to deal with the demon lord.

Thing is, the difference of power between the strongest humans and the strongest demons in this world is far too much, so the humans were pretty much doomed.

I said ‘were’, because the humans still had a winning card under their sleeve, and that was the arcaic magic arts for summoning a hero from another world, a world with humans strong enough to protect us and beat the demons.

All said and done, they summoned a hero, at first people had their doubts about his otherworldly common sense, his weird talks about ‘human rights’ ‘democracy’ ‘technology’, and above all his great aversion to girls’ advances.

The locals couldn’t really understand his cultural customs when courting, like the first time one of the many girls that had fallen in love with him tried to seduce him and receive his seed, only to be answered with a blushed face, a flustered scolding and some stupid talk about how ‘proper girls’ had to behave.

She had expected him to release his internal beast, like any man would, and yet he just left her there hanging for no apparent reason.
Talks questioning the masculinity and tastes of the guy went on for long until he finally decided to marry someone. By the way, that someone turned out to be the first girl he met, an average girl from an average farming family.

Really makes you wonder why would he have gotten a party full of cute female adventurers that fell in love with him if he was going to pick the blandest option anyways, as if it was all decided from the beginning.

So, matters about ‘japanese’ (that was the country he said he came from) sexual impotence aside, the guy was strong, very strong.
Strong enough that he managed to bring down the demon lord and all his lackeys.

When he came back he was proclaimed a “hero”, and he was promised to have any of his wishes fulfilled, but for some reason he just wanted to have a quiet live in a random village far away from the trouble of the big cities, arguing about “normality” and what-not, another one of his weird values from another world.

After that the guy just sort of disappeared.

Of course myths and legends about his glory kept being told, well, when creating false stories it doesn’t really matter whether the guy in question is alive or not.

Yeah, his whereabouts became unknown. Or at least that’s how it is for the great majority of people from this world, except a select few. And i am among those.

The reason is not very special, it’s just that the guy from the legends, the super famous and extremely powerful hero, Kurohara Ichika, ended up being my father.

“Noah! Hey Noah! Nooooaaaaahhh!”

Oh, speak of the devil. But sorry sweetheart, right now i don’t feel in the mood to go selling my soul.

“Kurohara Noah!”

Damn, he called my full name, better reply before the situation gets out of hand.

“Yo dad, need anything?”

“Not really, just get here, gotta tell you something”

Shit, that tone means it’s definitely not just a simple “something”.

I quietly went down the stairs, as if hoping that he didn’t sense me, and tried to peek to assess the situation before deciding which course of action to take. Just as my eye poked out just barely from the wall I saw…

I saw my dad’s face, right in front of me, with a smile which honestly was a pretty amusing, a seemingly impossible mix of smugness and rage, a smile going from ear to ear, mouth barely open and creepily showing just a little bit of his teeth, the eyes of someone that just saw his friend comically falling ass first into a muddy pond just seconds after telling him to not go near it because it was very slippery.

All of which would have been a pretty funny situation for the observer if the friend hadn’t splashed mud all over as he fell, making a mess out of them both.

That ephimeral mix of fun, anger, irony and emptiness.

Under normal conditions I would have liked to take my time to appreciate all the details of such an unique facial expression as a third person, but unfortunately I was busy shitting my pants because that look was directed at me.

“Say… Do you know how many pairs do three flies make?” Said the creepy man in front of me.

Surprised by the unexpected quiz, I gathered all my wits at once and gave it my all to find a solution to the riddle. I ain’t getting eaten by no sphynx!

So how many pairs do three flies make? Huh? How am I even supposed to solve that? Three flies are 3, tres, три, 三つ.
A pair is made out of two, so the logical answer should be one pair plus the unfortunate third wheel, but in that case why would he say “pairS”, as in plural?

There just can’t be two pairs with only three units, 1.5 pairs then? Does that make any sense? What does a “pair” mean anyways?
 Could it be as in a “couple” i.e man and woman? In that case how does he want me to guess the flies’ gender? But wait a minute, can I really exclude the posibility of a same-sex couple?

I certainly read something about the posibility of homosexuality in flies when they were in a drunk state.
Alcohol sure is a scary thing.

*gasp*

Wait, what If  it’s actually a three-way relationship? Can such a thing be allowed by mother nature? Who would be the one(s?) giving and who would be the one(s?) receiving?

By the way, how do flies even have sex? Do they just stick it in and out just like us? But aren’t you supposed to do some of the so called “foreplay” first?

Now that I think about it, don’t flies always suspiciously rub their front legs, as if craftily planning your demise while munching away at any given piece of trash?

Could that actually be some sort of training to get better at foreplay? And you’re telling me they do it openly, right in front of your face, even as they shamelessly stand on top of your favorite sausage bread?

I didn’t think flies could display such audacity and be so lewd.

But now I kind of feel a certain sense of fraternity towards them. We all have our own troubles interacting with the opposite sex, huh?
I wonder if by rubbing my hands I will do better whenever I get the opportunity to get rid of my V-card...

Hmmm, looks like I went beyond, what was I even trying to figure out at first?

“Heeeey Noah! Earth calling Noah!”

This voice, my dad? Man, what’s with him today? Pulling me out of another internal deliberation of utter importance…

“Come on son, again with that habit of yours of just wandering off into your own world in the middle of a conversation?

And then you wonder why you’ve got no friends and no girlfriend. So sad…”

“What do you mean by no friends? I’ll let you know I have lots of those, and girlfriends? There are many girls with whom-…”

“You do know manga characters don’t count as friends, and specially not as lovers, right?”

“Oh, a lecture on how to get a girlfriend from the legendary “impotent hero”? Please enlighten  me, good sir.”

“Impot… !? I’ll let you know there’s a bunch of women that would-…”

Heh, he got flustered, guess I hit him where it hurts. Those younger years of his must surely have been hard.

“Legends about the hero’s deeds made up by some random con don’t count as facts”

“Made up!? How can you accuse your kind and innocent father of lying!? I didn’t save the world to receive this kind of treatment! You tell him, honey!”

Oh, at some point during our exchange of verbal abuse my mother had come over and was looking at us with a beautiful smile, a smile as if she had gotten that one present she wanted the most for christmas, a smile so bright you had to avert your eyes.

And the reason for that smile was in seeing how we competed to see who could hurt the other’s ego the most. Women can be so sweet, and yet so merciless…

“Noah, your dad is right. Despite how he looks, he’s not someone worthy of a nickname such as ‘impotent hero’ ” Said mom in a soothing tone, as if intending to share with me a bit of her deep wisdom.

“ ’Despite how he looks?’ Y-You could have put it a bit nicer, but thanks a lot hon-!”

Interrupting the poor guy as he was just getting done giving her thanks for such a ‘helpful’ intervention, she cut him off right away and continued with the same bright smile, albeit with a slightly evil vibe.

“I have experienced it myself, Noah, and I can tell you that ‘impotent hero’ couldn’t ever be enough to make it justice. Objectively speaking, you should call him ‘ultra useless impotent hero overlord x100’ ”

Bwahaha, I love this woman.

“H-Honey!?”

“I mean, no matter what world you came from, you get teleported here, save the world, be offered the greatest treasures and the most beautiful women, all of which you can marry because polygamy is perfectly fine in this world, and you reject everything to pick up the plain farmer girl and come live in a village in the middle of nowhere? There’s definitely something wrong with you, limp-dick.”

“Honey…”

She said such harsh words, but strangely, her tone didn’t transmit any hostility or resentment. Quite the contrary, actually.

“Really, there’s some very fundamental screw loose in that head of yours… And that’s what I love about you the most”

“Honey!”

Moved by her kind words, my dad who seconds ago looked like a puppy abandoned in the rain regained his composure and jumped straight into his lovely wife’s chest.

But right as he was about to land his head inbetween her two feminine assets of considerable size... He was stopped by sharp words said with a very cold tone.

“But that same madness made you refuse the money. I married you because I love you, but was there any need to refuse all that gold?
I wouldn’t have asked you to receive it all, was it too much to accept just enough to live comfortably without having to lift a finger for the rest of our lives?

Do you think just because I’m from a farming family would have liked to keep plowing fields every day for the rest of my life? You know what passes through my mind every time I pick up the plow?

It’s ‘My feet hurt, I’m hungry, this farm sucks, the cicadas are too loud, look at that dipshit of my husband acting as if this was the most enjoyable thing ever, I wish I was at home studying my collection of stamps’ “.

“But honey, you already spend most of your time studying your stamps anyways”

“What are you even talking about? A woman can never spend too much time studying her personal collection of stamps!”

That a fact?

After a little back and forth between them, as always, the winner ended up being my mother.

Heroes may be able to beat any demon with their fists, but a simple farmer girl can pretty much destroy them with just a couple of words. Perhaps that’s how they fell in love in the first place.

Mom decided to go back to her stamps, and then I was left sitting with my seemingly dejected father. He would probably have looked better after a bloody fight with demons than right now.

“So dad, what did you even need me for in the first place?”

“Hah… Hah…”

“Dad?”
Looking again, the guy has this slight blush in his face, and that suspicious panting…

Ah man, he’s horny.

“Dad, there’s a bunch of moles eating our crops”

The man in trance suddenly regained his senses, and I could feel the wave of bloodthirst being emitted by him.

It was pretty amazing to think that this guy was the same masochist that got reduced to an ‘ultra useless impotent hero overlord x100’ by his wife’s verbal abuse.

“WHO DARES TO ATTACK MY CUTE LITTLE PAPAYAS!? I’M GONNA FUCK THEM UP!”

Hehe, what a weird dude.

“I was kidding, what did you call me for?”

Calming down but yet for some reason still cautiously looking out the window towards the papaya fields, as if to not give even the smallest chance to any potential aggressor, my dad answered.

“I got a letter from your school, saying that your grades are falling bellow the average and that I should go speak personally with the teacher. I know you’re pretty smart, so what’s going on?”

School, huh?

“What are you talking about? My grades for biology and history should be pretty high”

“Well, they indeed look good, but why are the rest so low?”

“The rest doesn’t interest me”

“I get where you’re coming from, I also remember the boring classes and useless knowledge they taught me back in my own highschool, but that doesn’t mean you can just put aside the other subjects.

 All science and humanities are related one way or another, it wouldn’t hurt to give it a bit of effort, don’t you think?”
“Nah, don’t wanna”

I answered right away, as if to shake his words out of my ears.

My dad seemed to notice it, and was silent for some seconds while pondering what to say.

“Actually, why do you like those two subjects so much? For starters, why history?

To find out more about the heroes.

“No reason, I just like it”

“And biology?”

To find out the reasons behind a hero’s strenght.

“Same”

I don’t like this sort of conversation, always makes it too awkward for me to say the truth so I just end up pretending to be apathetic.

I can’t just come out and say ‘It’s because I admire you so much, and because I want to know more about you and your past’.
My irrational and useless pride wouldn’t let me. I felt a bit at ease, a bit guilty and a bit empty.

Giving up in getting a proper answer for me, he just looked at me in the eyes, and in a tone which suddenly made me feel as if I had suddenly fallen in the depths of hell he said.

“Okay, I will go talk to the teacher, and you will go and fix your grades. Understood?”

His eyes slightly slanted, his pupils contracted, his expression immobile and the aura of someone that won’t hesitate to bring you down if you try to oppose him.

It wasn’t the face of my goofy and masochistic father anymore, it was the face of the hero, Kurohara Ichika, when he was out for blood.
“Yes sir”

I answered before my brain even processed what he had said. When he showed that face there was no room for discussion, not even for my mother.

The face that saw countless demons die by his hands, the face that saw countless allies die by his side.

The one that scared me the most, and the one that inspired me the most. The living proof that the legends may not have been made up by con men after all.



__________________________
After our conversation, my dad suspiciously gave me a rather generous amount of money to go out and do something ‘productive’ while he ‘helped mom with her stamps’.

I wonder why he looked sort of restless, with his cheeks slightly blushed. I guess he must also love stamps a lot.

Now, I’ve got the money, I’ve got the time, now I only need someone to share it with and have fun (totally NOT because walking alone around the village would look sad and make me feel kinda miserable).

Luckily, I spotted a group of guys from my class engaging in some sort of game. Oh, it was marbles.
“Yo guys, you playing something?”

The tree goofs looked at me, looked at each other, then looked at me again.

“Hey Noah, need anything?” Said the one guy in a friendly tone while the other two looked at me skeptically. If I’m not wrong he’s the one I have interacted the most, what was his name again?

“You see, José, I’ve got my hands on a little something and I may be willing to share it with you” I said with the kindest smile I could paste on my face.

“Who the heck is this José!? My name is Walter! remember it properly damn it”

“Okay Willfred, so the thing is-…”

“It ain’t Willfred either! How can you get it wrong right after I told you!?”

Seems like my friend Wilhelm is getting irritated again for some reason beyond my understanding, what a tough guy to deal with.
 Why does he nitpick so much when it’s obvious that the one I’m addressing is him?

I will advice him to go and get some classes in how to properly communicate with people. You should be glad that I’m such an understanding person, Willford.

And then you wonder why people have trouble talking with you…

After a little exchange with my colleague Willy, he and his gang of random side characters accepted to tag along with me, the promise of a free meal proving too tempting to ignore.

 ‘For money the monkey dances’, once again popular wisdom proved to be of great use in personal relationships.

We played 2-on-2 basketball, one of the games imported from that parallel world by my dad. Me and Wilberg vs the other couple of mob characters.

As always my performance was impeccable, but unfortunately I couldn’t say the same about my comically unskilled teammate.

He did give it quite a bit of effort, but sometimes he made me wonder whether we were playing basketball or some sort of screaming contest, taking into account how he kept yelling at me unintellegible gibberish like “stop trying to make 3-pointers if you can’t aim for shit”, “don’t just stand still after throwing the ball, go get the rebound!” or “JUMP dude, J U M P”.

Is he okay? I barely broke a sweat but he looks just about to die.

“I’m… never playing… a team game… with you… again” Said my exhausted colleague as he desperately gasped for oxygen.

There he goes shifting the blame again. But rest assured, I’m not so cruel as to plainly point it out. Feel free to relieve the frustration of those school days of old by pinning the blame of your failures on me.

 I would have also grown to hate the world if I was rejected by my crush in front of the whole class in 5th grade. Actually, I’m going to answer his hostility with good intentions.

“You constipated? I could give you some papaya from my family’s yard. It will help you get rid of all that accumulated negativity. You will be a new, happy man after you eat it!”

Aren’t I so kind?

“… Just… Shut… Up…” Said my perishing friend right before going even limper, as if dedicating his last words to the cruel shinigami that decided to take him away from this world at such a young age.

How strange, he’s been recovering for a while now and yet the more I talk to him the more exhausted he looks.

Could it be he suffers from some sort of social anxiety? Fear not, Waldobert. Your old friend Noah will take you to the best psychologist he can find!

“So guys, about the meal. How about we eat at my place?” Said Wallace in a merry tone, completely recovered from our little match earlier. I guess he won’t be needing that papaya.

True, his family owns the best restaurant in our village. I often pass by because their menu has incorporated some of the recipes brought from the other world by my dad.

Contrary to what you may expect, sitting alone in a corner and looking out the window while munching on some balls of takoyaki is great to focus your mind in thinking about matters of extreme importance, such as world peace, analyzing methods to see under girls’ skirts without getting caught, or where does your favorite sock disappear to when your mom washes your clothes.

And by favorite sock of course I mean the personal fapping sock every respectable man keeps close by his bed’s side. Hmm, wait a moment...

What if my mom realized its true identity while sorting out the clothes? But it can’t be, I made sure to roll it up inside the fapping boxers, which at the same time were rolled up into the fapping shorts.

 In the worst case I could explain its smell and stickiness saying that I used it to clean a milk spill or something.

I always carry my food upstairs to eat in my room, and mom knows that if I spilled something I would be too lazy to go get the mop after all.

Every excuse has a coherent follow up explanation, and I’m sure mom would reach that same conclusion after analyzing the facts.
The plan should have no blind spots, and yet what is this uneasy feeling in my heart?

It couldn’t be, did she catch me jerking off without me realizing!? Even though I try to be as stealthy as possible, it’s true that when I get close to cumming my hips start moving on their own and my legs tremble, making the bed emit awkward noises.
Could she have noticed the sound during that ephimeral moment of carnal release?

Could there be any logical explanation besides the natural assumption about the infamous self-pleasuring back-and-forth?
Fuck, so it’s the bed’s fault after all? I should have asked my dad to get me one of those so-called futon before it came down to this.
Those treacherous wood planks, you promised me freedom by raising me from the ground level, and turns out you were cause behind my downfall!?

Unforgivable, I shall let the punishment rain down thee integrity when I go back home.

Thy corpse shall be offered to the gods’ messengers (ie trash men) and thy sins shall be atoned by turning your remains into pencils or something.

Recycling! What a wonderful thing.

It teaches us that even the most worthless piece of trash can find redemption.
“Noah! Noahhh!... What’s with this guy?”

“Oh, yeah, the restaurant. Prices are decent and the flavor is great. Indeed, it’s the best possible choice. I commend you for your services, Waltraud.”

 I said as I was once more pulled out from the unknown depths of my conscience.

Only then I opened my eyes, only to realize the one in front of me wasn’t Wandal or one of the two stooges that were tagging along. It was a girl, a girl i knew well, perhaps too well.

“Hehehe” The long haired blonde girl in front of me laughed as she made her signature smug face, with her mouth making a small arc on the right side of her face, consequently closing her right eye just slightly more than the left one.

Childish, yet seductive enough that you felt the strong primitive impulse of proposing right in the spot.

Hold it in, sweet child o’ mine, you can only do such bold movements when you’re assured of the coming victory.

“When we talk you’re always so silly, Noah. But at least try to remember my brother’s name properly, okay? His attitude aside, when he dad asks him about his friends he speaks about you the most…”

“Iris!? You traitor! You promised to keep quiet!?  A-Actually there’s no way that can be true, she’s just lying!”

Said our poor, shameful Wandalin as he futilely tried to turn time back on the spilled milk. Heh, what a foolish scrape of a man.

“You basically admitted it before backpedalling spectacularly in the same phrase. Brother, oh my sad, pitiful brother, did your brain melt down together with whatever was left of your dignity?”

Said iris in a dramatic tone with a the back of her right hand positioned on her forehead, and her left arm extending to the side in a perfect 45° angle, giving off a sensation as if the humble dinning locale had become the stage of a theater play.

Damn, she’s good.

Seeing Woodrow with his face looking like a red mixed mess of shame, anger and the desire to dig a hole and plant his head on it.

 I decided to fulfill my duty as a law-abiding citizen and use my daily good deed to help his soul find some amidst this merciless world.

I carefully selected my words, adjusted my tone accordingly, plasted a perfect business smile on my face, then approached him with the most positive of attitudes and told him:

“So, should I get you some papayas after all?”



_________________

“So here are your orders, if you need anything just call me!” Said Iris with her well-trained waiter smile. I know it’s false, I understand it perfectly, and yet I can’t stop my heart from skipping whenever I see it.

While such thoughts wandered around my mind I watched her retreating back as she went towards another table.

Hoh, she bent to pick something up. Mental picture taken aaand saved. Dayum, what a nice ass she’s got.

“Dude, stop oogling at Walter’s sister like that, the guy is sitting right next to you.” Pointed out one of the hang-ons. Fool, you should just keep quiet and remain a part of the interior decoration.

“Whatever could you be talking about? I definitely wasn’t looking at her. Nope. Not at all. Absolutely not. Zero.”

“Man, even the methods you use to hide your embarrassment are weird” Said hang-on #2.

Guh, what’s with these guys? Are they conspiring to bring me down from my position as a main character? Sure, i’d like to see you try, you nameless doormats.

I’ll let you know a despair akin to that of biting more than you can chew in the middle of a date and suffering as you debate whether you should spit it back in your plate or foolishly try to chew on it until it becomes small enough to swallow.

 I’ll let you in on a secret, no matter what you pick you’re not going on a date with that girl ever again. If you want to blame someone blame your own worthlessness.

“Say Walter, why aren’t you telling him off? It’s your sister, you okay with this guy looking at her like that?”
So you decided keep challenging me, you foolish parasite?.

That steak of yours looks quite appetizing, it would be a shame… if some jerk bathed it in the ultra spicy jalapeño sauce of the house while you weren’t looking.

Yep, a great shame. Ha ha ha.

“Well, taking into account that both monogamy and polygamy are socially accepted, she can pretty much do anything she wants.

And first of all, do you seriously even think she would pick this guy? My sister may be clumsy, but definitely not stupid”

Et tu, Wassim?

“But you know, I’ve been peeking on her and while you guys were talking she seemed to pay special attention to this table, sneaking peeks at every chance. What if she actually likes him?”

H-Hang-on #2! I knew I could count on you! I’ll treat you to some tiramisu later.

“Nah, no way” Replied Mr. big brother “It’s more likely she’s doing that out of caution, disasters tend to happen whenever this guy is around”

“True dat” Replied both of our fellow mob characters at unison.

“So you asses have really come together to take me down, huh? Very well, i was thinking it was just about time to discipline this cheeky herd.”

I challenged them, making the gesture of taking out a globe and throwing it at them to symbolize the call to a sacred duel.

Now only one of us four is going to come out alive. I shall feast on thy blood.

“Whoa dude!”

“Geh”

“Oh man…”

Huh? What’s with that reaction? Did something happen to the table? I looked at the table, only to find my strawberry shake laying sideways in an awkward position, with its content splattered all over our food and Wallerian’s clothes.

Who could have been the dipshit that made this mess?

*stare*

W-Why are they looking at me like that?

*staaaaare*

Okay okay I get it it’s my fault please don’t look at me with those eyes, anything but the judging eyes!

During the course of this mental strength battle hang-on #1 looked quite happy that he reacted on time and was the only one who managed to protect his precious steak from the wild milky spillings.

 And thus, just as he was about to dig in his well earned spoils of war…

“What the fuck, why is my steak swimming in this pool of jalapeño sauce!?”

We may have been borns at different times and in different places, but when we die we die together.



_____________

After apologizing to the best of my abilities to Iris (fuck, I kinda feel like dying right now) and parting with the three walking sources of disgrace.

I decided to go back home as my monthly quota of social life activities has been seemingly filled.

Definitely the best moment of going outside is the moment when you come back to your good ol’ room, your good ol’ bed and your good ol’ fapping sock.

I can’t understand travellers, whenever I’ve been away from home i’ve gotten tired of the “adventure” within 48 hours.

You can learn about anything you want by reading, foreign places are no exception.

As for what is not known yet you will be okay as long as you have a research subject around. In my case that would be my dad, so I may as well just stay here and take it easy for the rest of my life.

Being reminded that I still have to fill my afternoon quota of ‘impotent hero teasing’ by my idle thoughts, I kept walking.

Then, something came to my attention, it was a small, square paper laying in the floor, right in the main street of our village.
Well, you may call it “main street” but in such a remote place barely any carriage passes by, so it’s pretty much a pedestrian path like any other, just a bit wider.

I went and picked up the little paper. Heh, my eyes didn’t deceive me, it’s a stamp. A pretty rare looking one actually.

I never saw such an intrincate design, and it… Shines? Wow, seems like it’s decorated with glitter. I’m sure mom will like it.

“-ul!”

Hm? Didn’t mom say that all women loved stamps? That indeed seems to be the case, could it be that Iris also likes them? I never asked her about it.

“-areful!”

Maybe if I give it to her as a present she will forget about today’s shenanigans? But wait, could I just give her such a rare stamp?
My mom’s birthday is coming soon, and this could be a great present.

“-of the way!”

What do I do, my mom or my future wife(lol)? The breasts that fed me during my youth, or the ass that will get me through my adulthood?
 Mmhm, Iris’ ass… I still have that fresh, juicy mental picture.

“Out of the waaaaaaay!”

What’s with that random guy saying gibberish for a while now? Just when I was remembering that fat ass.

*gasp*

Could it be Waldemar again? Better snap out of it, in case Iris is with him.

“JUUUMP”

Is this guy going off about the basketball game again? Jeez.

That’s what was going through my mind at the exact instant I opened my eyes and came back to reality.

But how strange, even though I opened my eyes, even though I supposedly came back, something is not quite right with the picture I’m getting.

There’s this huge carriage coming at me at full speed, just a couple of meters in front of me. And I’m standing right in the middle of its expected trajectory.

How strange, it hit me that I should quickly jump out of the way, like right now, but for some reason my body is not moving, as if completely frozen on its place.

Ah, I guess it’s too late anyways, I have been seeing all of this in slow motion for a while, but the carriage is indeed a couple of centimeters away from impact.

Dad
Mom
Iris
Walahfrid
Mob characters

Iris’ ass… That sweet little ass. If I focused enough on my mental picture I could even make out the shape of her underwear.

That ass… Was definitely fat.