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- >Be fucking bitter.
- >Skip the backstory, the people aren't here for backstory, they are here for one thing and one thing only!
- >Fluffies!
- >You've brought home a new fluffy pony for yourself!
- >Well, actually, it's slightly used.
- >As in it's been fucked before.
- >Just like your Ex Girlfriend.
- >ZING!
- >Anywho, she came with a trio of foals.
- >She's naturally adorable, suffering stray who asked for help and food and blah blah blah.
- >Hell, let's make her a pagasi with red fluff and a cream white mane and big soulful brown eyes.
- >Fucking soulful brown eyes. NEVER A-FUCKING-GAIN.
- >"Whea dis pwace?"
- "This is your new home, and your name is Nicole."
- >"Fwuffy name Nicow? Nicow wuv name!"
- "Yes. You are Nicole."
- >"An' yuu Nicow daddeh?"
- >Deep cleansing breath.
- >Punt the whore in her stomach.
- >The lightweight fluffy pony tumbles, end over end, wailing in pain.
- >"Owieowieowie..." sniffling "Wai huwt Nicow?"
- >The foals, previously clinging to their mother's back, were obviously thrown off by your cruel blow to their mother's midsection, and now they cry.
- >Nicole gasps "Babbehs! Mummeh wuv babbeh!" She wriggles, struggling, working her way towards self-righting.
- >The foals, to their credit, are upright and mobile, crawling towards their mother.
- "You love your babies more than ME? You don't even know who their FATHER was!"
- >"Daddeh?" Nicole asks, confused.
- "I'M NOT THEIR FATHER YOU WHORE."
- >The fluffy mother, and her foals all shit themselves in terror.
- >And the smell is just as disgusting as advertised.
- >"Babbehs! Mummeh saf' babbehs!"
- >Hey, she's actually putting on a good turn of speed.
- >For a fluffy pony.
- >You grab up the foals quickly, before "Nicole" can get to them.
- "I don't think you love ME enough you selfish CUNT."
- >You squeeze the foals, hard enough to make them shit, again, but this time you aim them towards the mare, she winces away from the fecal assault.
- "You are a BAD FLUFFY"
- >Click.
- >"Nuuuu!"
- "It's time for a Foalgarita!"
- >You wrench the lid off the blender and drop the foals in one at a time.
- "One baby!"
- >"Owwies!"
- "Two Babies!"
- >"Wan Mummeh!"
- "THREE BABIES!"
- >This one is just making a kind of random sobbing noise and groaning, whatever.
- >"NUUUU!!! Nuu huwt babbehs!"
- "What's that? You think you can Tell me what to DO? You selfish CUN-"
- >"Dude, what are you screaming about?"
- "-... Uh, Oh, uh, hey, Greg."
- >"What's going on here, are you having another 'episode', like that time on X-Box?"
- "What, uh, no, wait, I gotta do-"
- >"Pweese nuu huwtie bebbeh! Nicow nuu bad fwuffy!"
- >"You brought a fluffy pony into the house... and named it Nicole."
- "Well, I mean..."
- >"Dude, this isn't healthy. I mean, bro, I might not be exactly a Doctor Phil, dude, or even a Doc Oz, but, like, yeah, naming a pet after the girl that just broke your heart? You've got some issues here."
- "It's not like that, I mean, wait, just let me finish this, okay?"
- >Jam your finger on the "Ice crusher" button.
- >"Nuuuuu!!!!"
- >Jam it hard.
- >"-uuuu!!!"
- >Again.
- >-uuuuuuu!!"
- >...
- >"-uuuu!"
- >and again.
- >"-uuu? Babbehs stiww deh?"
- >Greg grabs your arm.
- "Let the fuckin' go of me!"
- >"Dude, you need hel-"
- >Elbow Greg in the face.
- >Oh wait, forgot, he actually has muscles.
- >Just Dudebro muscles, but-
- >Okay, that's an arm lock.
- >CRASH!
- >"Ahhhh! Hoomen meanies!"
- >THUD.
- "Wai- Wait! Dude! Let go of me!"
- >"Hup!"
- "GACKT!"
- >"Bro, I hate to have to do this to you, but I'm not letting you out of this wrestling hold until you calm down."
- "Lehmmeh guuh!"
- >Punch ineffectively at his kidney with my free arm!
- >That aught to teach him!
- >Yeah that...
- >aught...
- >Why...
- >grey...
- >...
- >"Okay, you've calmed down."
- >Greg releases you!
- >A pity you're not conscious at the moment.
- >Also, the table is slightly too close.
- >THOK
- >Skreeeep-
- >THUD.
- >"... Oh shit, Bro... you okay bro?"
- >"Hewp Fwuffy pwease?"
- >"Oh, yeah, sure little... sis? Yeah, these are yours."
- >Greg's a good guy, he means well.
- >He gives the foals back to their mother.
- >"Fank yuu... Nicow wuv yuu, New daddeh?"
- >"Oh, sorry little sis, I'm not your daddy... but I'll take you to this nice shelter place I volunteer, you and your foals can be safe there. I promise. Girls there are totally cool."
- "Mrrrphh..."
- >"C'mon, I gotta talk to my bro here. He's taking a breakup a little hard. Got some anger issues. We can work it out though, totally cool Bro when his head's on straight."
- >"Otay... Bai Daddeh! Nicow nuu unnastan wha Nicow feew bou' yuu, buh Nicow nuu wike deh game yuu pway."
- "Goramn it... Did I just black out?"
- >"Nah dude, I put you in a chokehold and you, uhh, choked. You might also have a concussion or something. Wanna ice pack?"
- "Yeah, that would be good."
- >A chilled blue ice-chest cooler is proffered to you wrapped in a towel, which you graciously accept.
- >Several seconds of silence pass, greg gets out a beer, and slumps against the kitchen counter, across from you.
- >"She really hurt you that badly huh?"
- "Damnit Greg, I don't want to talk about it."
- >"I'm just saying, Bro, that it takes some kinda pain in a guy to make him want to torture his ex-girlfriend, even if it is in effigy. But I've felt that way before. Hell, I think every man has. Having your heart broken by a psycho hose-beast is part of the game."
- >You breathe in.
- >You breathe out.
- "Why didn't the fucking blender work?"
- >"Dude. Wrong place to go with your thoughts."
- "I know... okay, sorry. It's just... I'd like something here. So, why didn't it work?"
- >A beat passes.
- >"Didja turn it on?"
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